View Full Version : Riddle me this!

Captain Koolaid
1st February 2011, 07:56 PM
Hello ESMB,

Thank you all for the nice welcome. In my introducory post I mentioned that I would start another thread using a small section from my (deservedly) unpublished book about Scientology, so without further ado, here it is - from my chapter about "Scientologese". It's your job to translate 10 movie titles from Scientologese bacl into wog speak. It's supposed to be funny, so I hope you enjoy using your analytical mind.

Honouring Scientology's obsession with recruiting movie stars, I will give you a list of ten films translated into Scientologese. The Correct answers will be revealed in due time. Good luck!

The Tinseltown Film Recognizing Capacity Analysis

Disclaimer: I acknowledge that in comparison to the original titles the following renamed titles are better, more to the point and easier to understand. This is scientifically proven. If I don't understand them it's clearly my fault. In this case I must reroute my carbon-oxygen engine to my nearest Org to repair my issues.

1) The Sixth Perceptic

2) The insidious removal of J----- J----' theta by the Suppressive Person Rob F---, who was also unable to confront (Tip: The SP used R2-45)

3) How Emily Rose became clear through auditing

4) Xenu's preclear folders (The answer is out there...)

5) The Fourth Dynamic

6) OSA (Starring Steve Martin and Michael Caine)

7) Enturbulators of thetans in the process of making part of their second dynamic permanent. (A comedy)

8) Companionship of thetans in the time of an imaginary disease (Tip: The somatic starts with a 'C')

9) Confessionals of a banky thetan below 2.0 on the tone scale

10) What it means to be 'Clear' (Starring Jim Carrey)

You have to admit that these titles are much clearer and easy to understand. If some of them left you confused, go back to the first misunderstood word and clear it up. Use all nine
methods, if that should be necessary. Continue accordingly until all misunderstood words are eliminated.

If that doesn't help, you're a victim of functional illiteracy. Do not advance to 'Go', do not collect $200, move to the Student Hat Course to learn how to study. Upon graduation advance to the Key To Life Course to get your education repaired.

Many films will be renamed by the new Ministry of Truth as soon as the planet is cleared, X-Men will be dropped in favour of Operating Thetans, The Body Snatchers will be rechristened into 'The Psychiatrists'. Rewriting history could be extended to other fields of folklore as well. What will become of What a friend we have in Jesus? I'm sure you can figure this out for yourself.

Some films and books will be regarded as too aberrated, they're already blacklisted and will be banned as soon as David Miscavige will become the imperator of the cleared planet. Nineteen-Eighty-Four and Brave New World might stir up banky thoughts about dystopia having become reality, these concoctions are at 1.1 on the tone scale and will disposed of quietly and without sorrow.. Films displaying overt hostility towards Scientology, like The Bridge or The Profit, must be cleansed from the public domain as well.

The Great Dictator will be declared suppressive by David Miscavige personally, and Matt Damon and Ben Affleck will have to return their Academy Awards, because Good Will Hunting fools people into believing that the vicious psychs are caring and compassionate talk therapists. Both awards will be given posthumously to Stanley Kubrick for One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.

Leap of Faith will also vanish like a discharged engram, people don't need to ponder that faith can be exploited to fleece gullible people. The very first film to be erased for all eternity will be V for Vendetta, for the crime of teaching people that disobedience is good, and for inspiring suppressive individuals to start a terrorist movement aiming to destroy the
'church' while hiding behind masks to aggravate fair gaming attempts.

I hope you enjooyed this, and the 'concept' is open source, so if you'd like to add riddles, knock yourself out.

Captain Koolaid

Captain Koolaid
2nd February 2011, 05:15 PM
Wow, just checked the thread and what a success it has been. :melodramatic:
Stillborn seems to be the appropriate term, but at least it's in compiance with Scientology rules for giving birth. :eyeroll:

So I will add the answers, before this thread sinks back into oblivion.

1) The Sixth Sense
2) The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Rob Ford
3) The Exorcism of Emily Rose
4) X-Files - The Movie
5) Species
6) Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
7) Wedding Crashers
8) Love in the time of cholera
9) Confessions of a dangerous mind
10) Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

3rd February 2011, 08:29 AM
I think it was the wall o' text ... might be good, but tl;dr

next time, dripfeed one at a time ;)

3rd February 2011, 08:34 AM
"Filmed evidence of enterbulation in the second dynamic" ??

3rd February 2011, 09:00 AM
Didn't know all of those movies..

Hmm.. On a slightly off track on the topic.. 'The Sixt Sense' is a favorite scilon movie, in that it describes the 'reality' they so much want and believe in. Well, I think it's great too, albeit without believing in it.

Another movie for scilons is 'Ghost', same reasons.

And the all time favorite hit movie for scilons is 'Star Wars'.. For those same reasons again, with the Jedis being like OT's.

Heh.. But they don't like Stanley Kubrick & Sir Arthur C. Clarkes '2001'! - There was a flag order forbidding scilons to watch it:


To: All Staff 24/6/68
From: HCO Area Director No: 691 L
Subject: Ethics Protection.

No staff or current students are to see the film "2001 - A Space Odyssey."
The film produces heavy and unneccessary restimulation.

Ron Hopkins
Wonder why? - Astronaut Dave Bowman becoming a confined god? - Or HAL 9000, the sentient computer becoming non-existent by removing his ram cards?

Could also be that the boots the astronauts wear on the moon are too flimsy. You'd alternately freeze or cook ye'r feet with those. Anyho', that movie/story is thought provoking.


3rd February 2011, 01:22 PM
"Ack! Ack!" <avatar

Sorry! :D

3rd February 2011, 01:26 PM
"Filmed evidence of enterbulation in the second dynamic" ??

Answer: "Sex, Lies and Video Tape"

night :tobed:

4th February 2011, 08:53 AM
ok, this is my favourite thread ;)

The Tinseltown Film Recognizing Capacity Analysis Intensive

1) Movie Title: 'Freewheeling ARC break' (Starring Anthony Perkins)
2) Movie Title: 'A Plot To Infiltrate and Steal Documents From Government Offices and Seven Vertically Challenged Leaders of a Dangerous Abusive Cult' (A Walt Disney Production)

4th February 2011, 09:38 PM
1) 'Psycho'

2) 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs'