Voltaire's Child
25th November 2007, 09:54 AM
I've heard CofS members on various forums stick up for the right of others to disconnect. I've seen it said "a person has a right to associate with whomever he pleases".
Well, I'm not contesting that, but letting a group that claims to make you more self actualized (my wording), more "at cause" and more able to "handle" communication, other people, MEST, etc tell you what to do and whom to see is one of the most ridiculous and sometimes tragic things that can happen to people in that group- namely, CofS.
Most people reading and posting here are exes. But I think some current members might lurk here. Or some people who may've left but not mended fences yet.
I'd like to ask people to reconsider past disconnections that CofS made or encouraged them to implement.
Even if you don't really get along with Dad or Mom or Sis or Bud - like if they're really hard to deal with even without the cult hanging over everyone's head, at least send them a Christmas card and some good wishes every now and again.
I'll confess something- I found my Dad quite hard to get along with. I loved him and he loved me. I miss him (he passed away a few years ago) very much but we drove each other crazy. There were a lot of past situations behnd us. When I was in CofS, I was kind of tempted to look for an excuse to disconnect from him. The man pissed me off sometimes. A lot, actually. But I knew it would only be an excuse, it wouldn't be real, it wouldn't be good for the family, for him, or for me. It wouldn't be anything but an exercise in ego, making myself right.
So I didn't do it. And I softpedaled all our difficulties and anything else when speaking with CofS about any family stuff.
I wonder how many disconnections are self-serving. I know that one would have been, had I gone through with it.
This isn't meant to give the reader a bad time or point fingers. I'm saying that people can exasperate you, family can be tough, and if you have the cult in the mix, it will skew everything anyway.
And that we can move forward from there.
I wrote a post on a.r.s. a few years ago that I think may've summed up the situation pretty well. I wrote it when my Mom was dying but then she did rally later, and was around a couple more months. But when I was racing to see her- I was very worried.
I'm going to paste in this post here.
**start pasted text**
This post is primarily intended for lurking CofS members. I know there are
many of you here.
I, along with others, have written a great deal about CofS, Hubbard, and
familial disconnection here on this ng.
Scientologists of my acquaintance love their families. I've seen this
demonstrated over and over again.
HOWEVER, where certain CofS justice or ethics actions are extant, many
Scientologists either initiate familial disconnection or attempt to use the
threat of that against their families.
As I said, much has been discussed about that already. So let me tell you
about myself and my Mom.
I just got back from seeing my Mother for the second time in three months.
She lives a very great distance from me. I am her only child. The only
other family she has is my father whose health is poor, although not as poor
as my Mother's.
My mother's health is quite precarious. When I went out there last week it
was thought that she was dying. The hospice nurses and social worker were
sure that she was. There was a thought that I (I was enroute to go see her)
might not get there in time. And believe me, this was very much on my mind
as I was on my way to see her. When I got to the city in which she lives I
went straight to the hospice where she was. My heart was pounding as I asked
the security guard where I could find her and as I traversed the wards, on
my way in. I was almost positive she'd be gone and I'd ~never~ ever see her
again.
She was and is still with us. In fact, she seemed to rally and appears to be
somewhat out of the woods. She won't be out dancing tomorrow and if we're
fortunate enough to have her in our lives this time next year, it will be a
bit of a miracle. Her condition is irreversible. But she is no longer on
her deathbed.
But she ~will~ be. And, for a time, she ~was~.
I believe that some of the people who read this ng who are in the church
have, perhaps, been involved in familial disconnection in one way or
another.
I want anyone to whom this applies to think of their parents- or children-
or siblings- or whomever else is near and dear to them but who is anathema
to them because ~someone~ ~told~ ~them~ ~that~ ~it~ ~must~ ~be~ ~so~.
You only have one Mom and Dad. You only have one sister "Joanie" or "Alice"
or whomever. You only have one childhood pal named "Stretch" or "Susie" or
whomever.
Philosophical and esoteric ideas about death aside, as far as this lifetime
goes, as far as this identity goes, it's a one shot deal. When our Moms die,
we are not going to see them again. We will spend the rest of our lives
Mom-less. When Mom passes away, we aren't going to be able to go look her up
in some celestial directory and say "Hey, Mom, I love you. I hadn't told you
that for years. I'm sorry that I stopped calling you, writing you, visiting
you. I know now that you always loved me."
We won't have that chance.
It's relatively easy to be "disconnected" from family when they are still
alive. One can be so self righteous, knowing that Mom, Dad, Sis, Stretch,
whomever, are in their houses and one can always pick up the phone and call
them. Of course one doesn't if one's way too busy being other-determined by
one's church and being self righteous! But one ~knows~ that the opportunity
is there. And in a way, this keeps the feelings of loss at bay.
But what about when those loved ones are ~gone~? Suppose one either leaves
the church or doesn't but becomes a bit more self-determined, a bit more
willing to decide one's own behavior and then thinks "Hey, I need to call
those people from whom I disconnected. God, I haven't seen Mom in years."
But once they've passed away, you can't do that. You'll never have that
chance again.
If you ever had any kind of good relationship with your parents before the
events leading up to the disconnection, if the disconnection was at the
behest of others than yourself, then it behooves you to stop thinking about
"enemy lines" and who's "declared" or is "antagonistic" and, instead,think
about ~love~.
In the PTS/SP tech, Hubbard talked about "handling" or disconnecting". He
puts the emphasis on the former rather than the latter. However, when the
family member has been expelled or is in communication with someone who is
expelled but who is not him/herself expelled, the church steps in and tells
the congregant that the _only_ handling is to disconnect.
But actually this is irresponsible. It is irresponsible on the part of the
Church and it was irresponsible on Hubbard's part to foster and allow it,
which he did. He emphasized handling, sure, but he was not one whit averse
to someone ditching a family member who was a psychiatrist, say, or who was
expelled or something like that.
BEEEP! Sorry! Wrong answer! Hubbard said that Scn was about being more
responsible. Not less. And anyone who disconnects because someone else told
them to is being irresponsible. And I'm telling you CofS lurkers now, as
one Scn'ist to another, to the degree you are irresponsible is the degree
that you will not make sufficient case gain. Or, to the outsiders and others
reading this, let me put it this way: to the degree that one is
irresponsible and behaves like a sheep is the degree that he or she will
never become the great communicator, the able and competent being that the
Scn philosophy advertises.
So you'd lose out on that.
But more importantly, if such a disconnection is continued, you won't get
to say goodbye to them when they go. You won't even get to talk to them in
the months preceding their death, if you're disconnected.
Think about it. If you were on somewhat good terms (I say "somewhat" because
family relationships tend to be a bit weird. I'm reminded of the cartoon
that shows one lone woman in some bleachers or something with a banner that
says it's a meeting of children with normal parents.) with your parents (or
other loved ones) you have many happy memories. Being taught to ride a bike.
Being taught the ABC's. Telling your parents you loved them.
When I was little, on one happy occasion, my mother let me ride her on my
tricycle (on the step that's on the back) all the way to the corner. In
public. Everyone could see her. We probably weren't going very fast and it
probably looked a bit odd. But she had absolutely no hesitation or
inhibition about that.
I have all kinds of memories like that and so do my folks.
I keep thinking about how my Mother might have died, in pain, missing me.
I once knew a woman who had one child who wanted nothing to do with her. (it
wasn't a Scn disconnection but the daughter was inflexible.) The lady had
other children and they all (except for the one) came to see her as she was
dying. But she never stopped thinking about the one child. She was a bit
delirious and drugged out toward the end. She started writing a letter to
that child. She'd dreamed that the woman had written to her, trying to
effect reconciliation. This did not happen, but the Mom thought it did. She
got out of her sickbed and started writing a letter to that woman, answering
the letter the Mom had really wished she'd gotten.
She died without ever seeing that one daughter again.
I think it was a terrible shame.
I happen to adore my mother, but even if I barely tolerated her, the idea of
her being alone at the end, the idea of her thinking "I wish my daugher was
here but she won't have anything to do with me." would have knocked me off
my high horse in a hurry. And I'd have been there for her.
Everyone has the right to see or speak to whomever they choose. But it's
irresponsible to let others choose for you. It's also irresponsible to not
consider the feelings of the other person- the one from whom one
disconnected or from whom one was thinking of disconnecting.
Once they're gone, if you have any kind of viewpoint shift, change of heart,
longing to see her/him one more time, you will NOT have that opportunity.
The person who changed your diapers, who clapped like mad at your recital,
your graduation, the person who said "the reason I can't let you wear that
halter top is that when I die I'm going to have to stand before that
judgment seat and explain to God why I let ~you~ go out looking like
~that~." and who then laughed with you as you rolled your eyes and teased
her about always saying that- there's only one person like that and when
she's gone, she's gone.
Think about it.
Claire M. Swazey
Well, I'm not contesting that, but letting a group that claims to make you more self actualized (my wording), more "at cause" and more able to "handle" communication, other people, MEST, etc tell you what to do and whom to see is one of the most ridiculous and sometimes tragic things that can happen to people in that group- namely, CofS.
Most people reading and posting here are exes. But I think some current members might lurk here. Or some people who may've left but not mended fences yet.
I'd like to ask people to reconsider past disconnections that CofS made or encouraged them to implement.
Even if you don't really get along with Dad or Mom or Sis or Bud - like if they're really hard to deal with even without the cult hanging over everyone's head, at least send them a Christmas card and some good wishes every now and again.
I'll confess something- I found my Dad quite hard to get along with. I loved him and he loved me. I miss him (he passed away a few years ago) very much but we drove each other crazy. There were a lot of past situations behnd us. When I was in CofS, I was kind of tempted to look for an excuse to disconnect from him. The man pissed me off sometimes. A lot, actually. But I knew it would only be an excuse, it wouldn't be real, it wouldn't be good for the family, for him, or for me. It wouldn't be anything but an exercise in ego, making myself right.
So I didn't do it. And I softpedaled all our difficulties and anything else when speaking with CofS about any family stuff.
I wonder how many disconnections are self-serving. I know that one would have been, had I gone through with it.
This isn't meant to give the reader a bad time or point fingers. I'm saying that people can exasperate you, family can be tough, and if you have the cult in the mix, it will skew everything anyway.
And that we can move forward from there.
I wrote a post on a.r.s. a few years ago that I think may've summed up the situation pretty well. I wrote it when my Mom was dying but then she did rally later, and was around a couple more months. But when I was racing to see her- I was very worried.
I'm going to paste in this post here.
**start pasted text**
This post is primarily intended for lurking CofS members. I know there are
many of you here.
I, along with others, have written a great deal about CofS, Hubbard, and
familial disconnection here on this ng.
Scientologists of my acquaintance love their families. I've seen this
demonstrated over and over again.
HOWEVER, where certain CofS justice or ethics actions are extant, many
Scientologists either initiate familial disconnection or attempt to use the
threat of that against their families.
As I said, much has been discussed about that already. So let me tell you
about myself and my Mom.
I just got back from seeing my Mother for the second time in three months.
She lives a very great distance from me. I am her only child. The only
other family she has is my father whose health is poor, although not as poor
as my Mother's.
My mother's health is quite precarious. When I went out there last week it
was thought that she was dying. The hospice nurses and social worker were
sure that she was. There was a thought that I (I was enroute to go see her)
might not get there in time. And believe me, this was very much on my mind
as I was on my way to see her. When I got to the city in which she lives I
went straight to the hospice where she was. My heart was pounding as I asked
the security guard where I could find her and as I traversed the wards, on
my way in. I was almost positive she'd be gone and I'd ~never~ ever see her
again.
She was and is still with us. In fact, she seemed to rally and appears to be
somewhat out of the woods. She won't be out dancing tomorrow and if we're
fortunate enough to have her in our lives this time next year, it will be a
bit of a miracle. Her condition is irreversible. But she is no longer on
her deathbed.
But she ~will~ be. And, for a time, she ~was~.
I believe that some of the people who read this ng who are in the church
have, perhaps, been involved in familial disconnection in one way or
another.
I want anyone to whom this applies to think of their parents- or children-
or siblings- or whomever else is near and dear to them but who is anathema
to them because ~someone~ ~told~ ~them~ ~that~ ~it~ ~must~ ~be~ ~so~.
You only have one Mom and Dad. You only have one sister "Joanie" or "Alice"
or whomever. You only have one childhood pal named "Stretch" or "Susie" or
whomever.
Philosophical and esoteric ideas about death aside, as far as this lifetime
goes, as far as this identity goes, it's a one shot deal. When our Moms die,
we are not going to see them again. We will spend the rest of our lives
Mom-less. When Mom passes away, we aren't going to be able to go look her up
in some celestial directory and say "Hey, Mom, I love you. I hadn't told you
that for years. I'm sorry that I stopped calling you, writing you, visiting
you. I know now that you always loved me."
We won't have that chance.
It's relatively easy to be "disconnected" from family when they are still
alive. One can be so self righteous, knowing that Mom, Dad, Sis, Stretch,
whomever, are in their houses and one can always pick up the phone and call
them. Of course one doesn't if one's way too busy being other-determined by
one's church and being self righteous! But one ~knows~ that the opportunity
is there. And in a way, this keeps the feelings of loss at bay.
But what about when those loved ones are ~gone~? Suppose one either leaves
the church or doesn't but becomes a bit more self-determined, a bit more
willing to decide one's own behavior and then thinks "Hey, I need to call
those people from whom I disconnected. God, I haven't seen Mom in years."
But once they've passed away, you can't do that. You'll never have that
chance again.
If you ever had any kind of good relationship with your parents before the
events leading up to the disconnection, if the disconnection was at the
behest of others than yourself, then it behooves you to stop thinking about
"enemy lines" and who's "declared" or is "antagonistic" and, instead,think
about ~love~.
In the PTS/SP tech, Hubbard talked about "handling" or disconnecting". He
puts the emphasis on the former rather than the latter. However, when the
family member has been expelled or is in communication with someone who is
expelled but who is not him/herself expelled, the church steps in and tells
the congregant that the _only_ handling is to disconnect.
But actually this is irresponsible. It is irresponsible on the part of the
Church and it was irresponsible on Hubbard's part to foster and allow it,
which he did. He emphasized handling, sure, but he was not one whit averse
to someone ditching a family member who was a psychiatrist, say, or who was
expelled or something like that.
BEEEP! Sorry! Wrong answer! Hubbard said that Scn was about being more
responsible. Not less. And anyone who disconnects because someone else told
them to is being irresponsible. And I'm telling you CofS lurkers now, as
one Scn'ist to another, to the degree you are irresponsible is the degree
that you will not make sufficient case gain. Or, to the outsiders and others
reading this, let me put it this way: to the degree that one is
irresponsible and behaves like a sheep is the degree that he or she will
never become the great communicator, the able and competent being that the
Scn philosophy advertises.
So you'd lose out on that.
But more importantly, if such a disconnection is continued, you won't get
to say goodbye to them when they go. You won't even get to talk to them in
the months preceding their death, if you're disconnected.
Think about it. If you were on somewhat good terms (I say "somewhat" because
family relationships tend to be a bit weird. I'm reminded of the cartoon
that shows one lone woman in some bleachers or something with a banner that
says it's a meeting of children with normal parents.) with your parents (or
other loved ones) you have many happy memories. Being taught to ride a bike.
Being taught the ABC's. Telling your parents you loved them.
When I was little, on one happy occasion, my mother let me ride her on my
tricycle (on the step that's on the back) all the way to the corner. In
public. Everyone could see her. We probably weren't going very fast and it
probably looked a bit odd. But she had absolutely no hesitation or
inhibition about that.
I have all kinds of memories like that and so do my folks.
I keep thinking about how my Mother might have died, in pain, missing me.
I once knew a woman who had one child who wanted nothing to do with her. (it
wasn't a Scn disconnection but the daughter was inflexible.) The lady had
other children and they all (except for the one) came to see her as she was
dying. But she never stopped thinking about the one child. She was a bit
delirious and drugged out toward the end. She started writing a letter to
that child. She'd dreamed that the woman had written to her, trying to
effect reconciliation. This did not happen, but the Mom thought it did. She
got out of her sickbed and started writing a letter to that woman, answering
the letter the Mom had really wished she'd gotten.
She died without ever seeing that one daughter again.
I think it was a terrible shame.
I happen to adore my mother, but even if I barely tolerated her, the idea of
her being alone at the end, the idea of her thinking "I wish my daugher was
here but she won't have anything to do with me." would have knocked me off
my high horse in a hurry. And I'd have been there for her.
Everyone has the right to see or speak to whomever they choose. But it's
irresponsible to let others choose for you. It's also irresponsible to not
consider the feelings of the other person- the one from whom one
disconnected or from whom one was thinking of disconnecting.
Once they're gone, if you have any kind of viewpoint shift, change of heart,
longing to see her/him one more time, you will NOT have that opportunity.
The person who changed your diapers, who clapped like mad at your recital,
your graduation, the person who said "the reason I can't let you wear that
halter top is that when I die I'm going to have to stand before that
judgment seat and explain to God why I let ~you~ go out looking like
~that~." and who then laughed with you as you rolled your eyes and teased
her about always saying that- there's only one person like that and when
she's gone, she's gone.
Think about it.
Claire M. Swazey