I still have nightmares, a year later.

[staffmember1234]

I left Scientology as a staff member about a year ago, and I still have weekly nightmares about being back on staff. Sometimes they are about things I experienced while on staff, and sometimes I find myself back on staff knowing that I had once left. I generally feel a lot of anxiety in these dreams, I start to freak out and cry because I know that my life is over, and I wonder how could I ever be back here again. I probably have 1-3 nightmares a week that revolve around being on staff. I wish I could get these out of my head.

[Free to shine]

Hi... you're not alone in this, there are quite a few stories and threads that deal with the after effects of such a high stress environment. Perhaps do a search on "nightmares" here and see what comes up.

Your life is not over, it is just beginning anew, and now you can actually choose what to do, what to think about, to relax, to eat well, to laugh and to live.

Don't be scared to get professional help as well, this is Post Traumatic stress stuff and even if a counsellor doesn't know all the ins and outs, a supporting ear can help a lot.
You are not alone.

[JennMint]

I am so very sorry that you are going through so much. You are definitely in my thoughts. I hope that, in time, you are able to find some peace.

[Sharone Stainforth]

What Free to Shine said is good advice.

When I left as a child, I suffered nightmares for many years on and off. I think it's perfectly natural after the traumas you have been through.

Then I didn't have them for years, having blocked them from my mind. Six years ago after an encounter with an e-meter, I started having the night mares again. PSTD is far more prevalent in Ex scientologists than one could possibly imagine and it takes a lot to recover from.I was very ill for about a year and it took all my strength and determinism to conquer this, initially it would have been very easy to give up, but something I learned long ago was I was not prepared to give Scientology the satisfaction.

Stay strong, avoid stress. Do get outside help, even if it is just talking to other people who have suffered similar or the same problems. Better yet, get some professional help, not all psychiatry or main stream counseling is the big ogre Scientology makes you believe.But do be very careful not to get counseling from bogus Scientology practitioners who advertise their "expertise" as bonafides in our society.More scientology under any other name is not going to help your condition.

I also personally recommend long walks in the countryside, observing nature can be very uplifting and a stress reliever. It might not be for everyone, but one of the biggest helps for me was facing my fears head on, initially this was even more stressful but as time has gone on, those fears have subsided. Protesting against Scientology, which was my biggest and deepest, darkest fear has had remarkable results in my healing.

Something I have always had trouble with is reaching out to people for help. This was ingrained in me as a child, not to put "entheta" on other people's lines. This is also a method of control and stops you seeking help when it is most needed.

There are many people who will help you, don't be afraid to ask for help.

I wish you all the best.

Sharone

[GoNuclear]

I left Scientology as a staff member about a year ago, and I still have weekly nightmares about being back on staff. Sometimes they are about things I experienced while on staff, and sometimes I find myself back on staff knowing that I had once left. I generally feel a lot of anxiety in these dreams, I start to freak out and cry because I know that my life is over, and I wonder how could I ever be back here again. I probably have 1-3 nightmares a week that revolve around being on staff. I wish I could get these out of my head.

You're not alone. I got out of the Navy over 30 years ago, and still have dreams from time to time of being back on watch in the engineroom of a submarine, complete with all the heat, minor steam leaks, noise, piping, etc. and the stench of the lube oil used for the shaft and main engines. And its not even like that was a bad deal for me at the time, but it did make an impression.

Pete

[GoNuclear]

I left Scientology as a staff member about a year ago, and I still have weekly nightmares about being back on staff. Sometimes they are about things I experienced while on staff, and sometimes I find myself back on staff knowing that I had once left. I generally feel a lot of anxiety in these dreams, I start to freak out and cry because I know that my life is over, and I wonder how could I ever be back here again. I probably have 1-3 nightmares a week that revolve around being on staff. I wish I could get these out of my head.

I've done numerous song parodies about Scientology, so I have one for almost every occaision. Check this one out.

Pete


My Time On Staff
(Parody of The Way We Were, apologies to Barbara Streisand)

Memories,
Playing havoc in my mind,
Stinking rotten foul memories,
Of my time on staff.

Inval’s recalled,
EO’s chewing my behind,
Taught to betray one another,
In my time on staff.

How was I so simple minded then?
I believed Ron’s every written line.
If I had the chance to do it all over again,
I would flee, and stay free.

Memories,
Of such sorrow and regret,
Just too painful to remember,
Yet I simply can’t forget.

But my declare,
I remember with laughter,
Whenever I remember,
My time on staff,
My time on staff.

[FoTi]

I left Scientology as a staff member about a year ago, and I still have weekly nightmares about being back on staff. Sometimes they are about things I experienced while on staff, and sometimes I find myself back on staff knowing that I had once left. I generally feel a lot of anxiety in these dreams, I start to freak out and cry because I know that my life is over, and I wonder how could I ever be back here again. I probably have 1-3 nightmares a week that revolve around being on staff. I wish I could get these out of my head.

You might try B1, along with Vitamin C and either Peter Gillham's Calm or Cal Mag.

I use this once in a while and it always works for me.

[Emma]

10 years away from staff & I still have nightmares. They aren't as bad or as often as they used to me but I still get them. They usually involve me getting somehow sucked back in to this group and winding up on staff again (even though I know all that I know now).

Keep reading, keep posting & slowly your mind will sort it out. It does take time though. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

[Sautez]

What you are experiencing is perfectly normal and there are many ways to get help.
Thank you so much for posting this as many people will read this and get help because you have shared what you are experiencing.

You might want to check this thread out: http://www.forum.exscn.net/showthread.php?17123-Scientology-and-Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder&highlight=PTSD

Hang in there. :bighug:

[Smilla]

Dreams are often a person's mind attempting to integrate unusual, or perhaps traumatic experiences, so they are not a sign of pathology unless they are seriously intrusive and unpleasant. They are attempts at self-healing.

If they become intrusive and disturbing to the extent that they are dreaded, or leave you feeling disturbed or upset upon waking, I would consider some non-intrusive, person-centred counselling. I went that route, and it helped me a lot. I still have the dreams occasionally, but not at the same intensity, and they're not as upsetting. Nowhere near.

[Whitedove]

Same here. I've been out for what now? 11-12 years and I still get nightmares.

I guess it is our subconscious helping us understanding our feelings about what happened to us.

I would not call them nightmares but more like bad dreams, the fact that I am trapped. I want to cme back home but I cant because I dont have money or not enough time. There is all kind of scenarios in my dream but they all have thi similarity. Being trapped and not being able to get away for different reasons.

If you read Steven Hassan book 'combatting cult mind control' often people developed anxiety and/or depression after they leave a cult. I have GAD which is generalized anxiety disorder and mild depression and am very sensitive to stress now. But it took me 10 years to accept it and to accept my limits now. I will never be like I was but I am ok with who I am now. And what my limits are.

Anyway, I think many of us here do get nightmares. It is a common trait between ex $scientologists. So you are not alone. :hug:

[rich]

Don't take the seratonin re-uptake inhibitors for nightmares. They are unnatural and a drug. God will work it out for you, given time.

[The Anabaptist Jacques]

My nightmare about staff is that I'm the leader of the Church.

Think of that!

Here is my remedy for the nightmare that is Scientology and still haunts us all:

http://youtu.be/m5TwT69i1lU

The Anabaptist Jacques

[Whitedove]

Hi... you're not alone in this, there are quite a few stories and threads that deal with the after effects of such a high stress environment. Perhaps do a search on "nightmares" here and see what comes up.

Your life is not over, it is just beginning anew, and now you can actually choose what to do, what to think about, to relax, to eat well, to laugh and to live.

Don't be scared to get professional help as well, this is Post Traumatic stress stuff and even if a counsellor doesn't know all the ins and outs, a supporting ear can help a lot.
You are not alone.

You are right FTS, PTS is also very common. I had counselling and I mentioned my involvment with $cientology but somehow it was never approached as if not that important. And, it is one huge reason I am the way I am now.

I tried to find a counselor where I live for people like me but unfortunately I have not find any.

There is sooooooooooooooooooooooo much I could tell a counselor. Although, thank god for a place like this (it helps) but we need special counseling to really help us heal faster. I believe

[Whitedove]

Don't take the seratonin re-uptake inhibitors for nightmares. They are unnatural and a drug. God will work it out for you, given time.

I am not advocating anti-depressants but dont put all the apples in the same basket.
Some people dont have a choice. Most people dont need them but some of us do.
My reaction to the stress I went through was so high that it affected me mentally and physically and without an AD I would of not been able to function.

But as I said, this is really a case to case situation.

BTW, I am no zombie or weired or different. It just calm my nervous system that went out of control with all the stress I went through. I was already more fragile even before scientology. scientology just made it worst and finally all hell broke lose.
but I dont recommend it unless a person have no other choice.

[Smilla]

Don't take the seratonin re-uptake inhibitors for nightmares. They are unnatural and a drug. God will work it out for you, given time.

Some people need them, and there's absolutely no shame in that.

The key phrase here is Quality of Life. If a person is so unhappy or anxious that their quality of life is rock-bottom, medication is an option that can, and probably should be considered, alongside anything else that might help.

There are no hard and fast rules here - everybody is different, and what works for one, might not work for another.

It's a good idea to examine every option.

[The Anabaptist Jacques]

When I think back to the errors and crimes I don't get upset amymore.

The way I got over it was to put things in perspective.

In 1941-1942 the city in the video was under attack. To make things worse, the country's own leader was one of the most repressive tyrants in history.

But the grandparents of these kids in this video fought to protect their homeland.

They suffered over one million casualties just defending this city.

And they did it not for the leader, but for their children and future generations.

Here is that future generation; I think it was worth it.

http://youtu.be/KgoapkOo4vg

Put on the Ritz and go and enjoy life.

The nightmares will fade.

The Anabaptist Jacques

[Smilla]

I am not advocating anti-depressants but dont put all the apples in the same basket.
Some people dont have a choice. Most people dont need them but some of us do.
My reaction to the stress I went through was so high that it affected me mentally and physically and without an AD I would of not been able to function.

But as I said, this is really a case to case situation.

BTW, I am no zombie or weired or different. It just calm my nervous system that went out of control with all the stress I went through. I was already more fragile even before scientology. scientology just made it worst and finally all hell broke lose.
but I dont recommend it unless a person have no other choice.

Whitedove: I greatly admire your honesty and courage in speaking about your struggle, and I wish you all the good that life can give.

[Whitedove]

Whitedove: I greatly admire your honesty and courage in speaking about your struggle, and I wish you all the good that life can give.


Thank you Smilla :hug:

The reason I am talking about it is because there might be someone out there that might need a similar kind of help but wont do it because of the hate of psychiiatry in scientology.

I want to show them it is OK to seek that kind of help if that is what they need.

As I said, unless absolutely necessary, I dont recommend ADs. I recommend therapy yes. But if your mind and body are out of control than chances are ADs are the solution.

Thank you for your kind words Smilla. :)

[NoName]

BTW, for the benefit of the OP and any lurkers - I went to a counsellor (psychologist who can't legally prescribe). The papers I got from the office explained a referral process for medications, if they were needed. I told her I wanted counselling, but did not want to take medications of any kind. She was extremely respectful of that, and the topic of medications never came up again. We did mostly talk therapy & cognitive behavrioral problem solving type things.

I only bring this up to point out that no one will force you into anything against your will. A decent therapist will respect your wishes if you don't want drugs.

[Whitedove]

BTW, for the benefit of the OP and any lurkers - I went to a counsellor (psychologist who can't legally prescribe). The papers I got from the office explained a referral process for medications, if they were needed. I told her I wanted counselling, but did not want to take medications of any kind. She was extremely respectful of that, and the topic of medications never came up again. We did mostly talk therapy & cognitive behavrioral problem solving type things.

I only bring this up to point out that no one will force you into anything against your will. A decent therapist will respect your wishes if you don't want drugs.

Very true NoName. I was never forced to take meds. It was my decision (took me 2 months before deciding) but I was not getting better. I was getting worst.

So it was MY decision. I even tried to get off meds a few times and my psychiatrist never stopped me. But I had to go back as I was getting back to square one.

BTW, I was seeing a psychololgist as well.

[WildKat]

I had nightmares too for several years. It takes some time to process the trauma of being in a cult. I knew I finally turned a corner when the dream would start out as a nightmare but then turn into just a dream about me telling them what I really think!

Protest, tell your story, talk about it with others who have been there. It's all healing. But it takes time. Take those walks in nature. That really helped me too.

[Thought Provoking]

I agree with many of the suggestions listed by all the other posters.

In general, I found it very helpful to take vitamins and in particular the B1 and C. I heard that if you take B1 that you need to take C as well to prevent damage to your teeth. I don't know if this is true but I took the C as a preventative measure. When I was going through a very stressful time on staff and was in an almost hysterical grief the CS recommended high doses of B1 with C for a temprary amount of time, literally one to three days. I started at 500mg B1 and added 100mg each hour until the grief turned off. I believe her source was Adele Davis and Pab 6. After that I went to a normal routine of 100 mg.

I also avoided all stressful reminders. In my case, I left the area completely and over time I stopped having nightmares. On several occasions I had to go back to the area to take care of business or see family and I would get very anxious and fearful. I knew that it was just charge and decided to confront it, including going into specific areas where I knew that Org staff would likely go...all done on a gradient...and I went with a friend that I felt safe with. I never did go to the org itself, though. I remember a sense of relief when I could walk around my home town without being afraid.

Do things that you know give you pleasure...lots of them...give yourself an abundance of good memories.

Read what is posted on the internet, the truth helps. Sites I found helpful were Friends of LRH, Scientology-cult and Marty's Moving on up a little higher. Make friends with people who are out who have the same reality that you do. Some people are pro LRH, others aren't and others have found help through counseling or other philosophies. I am pro LRH but inactive. I probably won't become active because my husband is not and never will be interested in Scientology. But, I support Scientology philosophy and the Independent Scientology movement.

It has been 6 years and I rarely have nightmares. The ones I occasionally have usually come about after hearing disturbing news regarding a person I knew and their ordeal with the church. I too have found that a lot of what I dream is simply trying to resolve problems and confusions and sorting out what my viewpoint is in relationship to them.

Hang in there and feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to.

[Mick Wenlock]

I left Scientology as a staff member about a year ago, and I still have weekly nightmares about being back on staff. Sometimes they are about things I experienced while on staff, and sometimes I find myself back on staff knowing that I had once left. I generally feel a lot of anxiety in these dreams, I start to freak out and cry because I know that my life is over, and I wonder how could I ever be back here again. I probably have 1-3 nightmares a week that revolve around being on staff. I wish I could get these out of my head.

You are healing - you are recovering. The good thing on getting out is that we do heal - we do get better. But it takes time, you know that commodity that Scientology always denied us?

If the nightmares are affecting your life and the way you feel about it then look around for a counsellor who specializes in dealing with ptsd like symptoms - there are plenty around.

Plenty of people have offered good advice on this thread and I would add only one other thing to possibly look at.

Avoid putting time pressure on yourself and avoid allowing others to do it to you. Take time before any decisions, allow yourself the luxury that you were denied - the luxury to take your time.

Good luck to you.

[shadow]

You will find your way through this. You have a lot of supporting voices here, mine included. You have received some good suggestions and I would encourage you to seek professional help. You may have to search a bit to find a good fit, but it will be well worth it.

You might also practice controlling your dream outcomes. When you are awakened by a nightmare, go over the last part in your mind and CHANGE it to come out better. This is easiest to do when you are awake, but with time, you will be able to change the nightmare without fully coming out of sleep. You found the strength to leave and find a more positive outcome for your life, try to reflect that in your dreams.

Hoping you see your way through this tough journey.

[FoTi]

Here are a bunch of links for natural and homeopathic remedies for bad dreams.

http://www.google.com/search?q=homeopathic+remedies+for+bad+dreams&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-SearchBox&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&sourceid=ie7&rlz=1I7SKPT_en

Another thing I found helpful was......I found a really good chiropractor. Stress can tense up the muscles and pull the spine out of alignment, affecting the nerves, which in turn creates more stress.....it's a viscious cycle. When I was particularly having more trouble, the doctor would pray over me after the adjustment....that always felt so good.... I always slept more peacefully after my visits there. All the doctors in this particular office do this.....I know, it's pretty unusual, but I love it.

[Adam7986]

I'm glad I'm not the only one. PM me if you need to talk.

[NoName]

Also, lurkers, aside from what I said earlier about medication, there are a few things you should know about what psychs can and cannot do to you against your will.

It is illegal for psychs to hold you against your will unless you are a threat to yourself or others.

The only person that I have ever known in my life to be held by a psych against his will was held for only 72 hours after he attempted suicide. That 72 hour hold was micromanaged by a judge. He did not receive any shock therapy or lobotomy or anything like that. He only received medication that he asked for. Within 72 hours, he was seen by a judge who released him from the psychiatric hospital. Then, of his own free choice, he entered a residential treatment facility. It looked very much like my home, he was well-fed, provided with clean clothing and hygiene facilities, and he was free to come and go as he wanted, and I was able to visit him freely.

How does this compare to the Introspection Rundown?

Lisa McPherson was held for 17 days at the Fort Harrison Hotel in Clearwater, FL with no contact with family or friends. She was forcibly drugged against her will - medication was forced down her throat with a turkey baster. When she was finally brought to the hospital, she was covered in cockroach bites, emaciated, dehydrated, and covered in her own filth. She died as a result of her treatment.

You can read all about this in Janet Reitman's book Inside Scientology.

There is nothing to fear from competent, qualified treatment from wog psychologists or psychiatrists. There is everything to fear from the Introspection Rundown and other misguided quack practices in the Co$.

[afaceinthecrowd]

There’s been a lot of good, solid, excellent advice put up here, staffmember1234. When I walked away from the SO I initially didn’t have many nightmares…they came later. I didn’t have many nightmares because I couldn’t sleep well at all. I would fitfully toss and turn and awaken with a jerk in a cold sweat, heart pounding, head throbbing, mind racing, epinephrine flooding my system.

Besides some of the stuff mentioned on this Thread, I found that strenuous exercise helped me a whole bunch and “Sleepy Time” tea and warm milk at night also helped some, too. It's just gonna take time, IMO. What you…what most of Us…have been through aint “normal” and in some cases was on the bizarre end of “abnormal”.

I’m not BSing when I say I’ve been to the Gates of Hades. Just keep going Forward, always Forward one-step-at-a-time and the shroud will lift, the nightmares fade and Your Path will Open, Brighten and Manifest.:yes:

Face:)

[staffmember1234]

Everyone, thank you for all the good advice!

I guess I should mention that I'm not in a pit of depression, I am actually very happy now, this has been the best year of the last five! The dreams are just an annoyance that Scientology has left me with. I guess it makes since that the high stress environment could cause a PTSD type state.

I found a wonderful non-Scientology girl friend soon after leaving staff, and things are GREAT with us.

Anyways I'm not all depressed and wanting to kill myself or anything. I am anti-psych, I was before Scientology, so I'm not looking for meds. I probably should take more vitamins, I have a huge stock of emergen-c in the kitchen, but I only take them when I'm sick.

I have lost all interest in Scientology, so I've been selling off my large collection of materials, unfortunately they are hard to sell as they are pretty much worthless in the real world, I've listed a lot of them on Ebay, only some of them sell, and not for much money. I still think that Dianetics is a good thing, but I doubt I will ever practice it again.

If you know anyone that wants to get some materials real cheap and not from a source that supports Scientology then PM me.

I still have some friends on staff, but I am careful never to say any negative about Scientology to them. I never go to the org for anything. I wish I had an ex-Scientologist that I could talk to sometimes, just to vent to, one that isn't an OSA spy ;)

[Bigsteveo52]

I left Scientology as a staff member about a year ago, and I still have weekly nightmares about being back on staff. Sometimes they are about things I experienced while on staff, and sometimes I find myself back on staff knowing that I had once left. I generally feel a lot of anxiety in these dreams, I start to freak out and cry because I know that my life is over, and I wonder how could I ever be back here again. I probably have 1-3 nightmares a week that revolve around being on staff. I wish I could get these out of my head.

I had the same thing happen to me for years, from 1998 to 2005. They were feelings of being suffocated and trapped and I was always so relieved to wake up and realize I wasn't. They went away immediately after visiting and having a session with Mike Goldstein, of Idenics. I would imagine you will have the same relief. Good luck!

[Idle Morgue]

I left Scientology as a staff member about a year ago, and I still have weekly nightmares about being back on staff. Sometimes they are about things I experienced while on staff, and sometimes I find myself back on staff knowing that I had once left. I generally feel a lot of anxiety in these dreams, I start to freak out and cry because I know that my life is over, and I wonder how could I ever be back here again. I probably have 1-3 nightmares a week that revolve around being on staff. I wish I could get these out of my head.

I really can relate to what you are going through. May I suggest that you post your story and start talking. Suppressed emotions; fear, anxiety and anger all show up somewhere - so let it rip and we are hear to listen! We can identify with what happened and that is the start - find someone to talk to. WE ARE HERE! WE ARE HERE! WE ARE HERE!

WELCOME! :grouphug:

[Smilla]

As my therapist put it to me: "These dreams are a normal reaction to some extremely stressful experiences."

[InExile]

Some very good advice here, I will say from a professional point of you, be yourself and relax, learn how to deal with your new life and don't worry!

When I left in 1990 I did not have anyone to turn or had any sort of professional advice. However I had the support of family and I know if you speak to your family honestly they will help.

The longer you are away the easy it becomes, I know it will never go away for anyone but if you do the basic things such as writing a cheque or sleeping in etc.. You will find how easy normal life it becomes; or someone else has said go to the country for a walk. You have supportive people here.
But foremost, don’t bottle it up speak to someone let it out. Be it your girlfriend, counsellor or someone here who you trust.

You have people have who can help.

It does get easier

[Claire Swazey]

I left Scientology as a staff member about a year ago, and I still have weekly nightmares about being back on staff. Sometimes they are about things I experienced while on staff, and sometimes I find myself back on staff knowing that I had once left. I generally feel a lot of anxiety in these dreams, I start to freak out and cry because I know that my life is over, and I wonder how could I ever be back here again. I probably have 1-3 nightmares a week that revolve around being on staff. I wish I could get these out of my head.

Lucid Dreaming may be helpful.
http://www.world-of-lucid-dreaming.com/

[staffmember1234]

Lucid Dreaming may be helpful.
http://www.world-of-lucid-dreaming.com/

That would be great! It would be cool to gain full control over one of the dreams and start pumping round after round into colleagues and coworkers Fight Club style, or I could just get some extra confidence and tell everyone to get bent ;) Whatever works!

[Claire Swazey]

Both my husband and a close friend of mine have done some lucid dreaming. They told me it takes practice but that it really can work.

[poppy]

Thank you for sharing your experience of nightmares. It is a normal response to trauma. I've been out for 18 years & I don't think I've had any for a little while now, well not recently anyway. But I had 2 recurring nightmares for years. In one I was running through a town, being chased by 2 S.O members - I run into a shopping mall & start running up an escalator that's going down! Consequently the s.o members catch up with me. In the other nightmare I dream that I'm back in the Sea Org, wearing the uniform & everything & I'm thinking to myself 'how did I let this happen? How could I let myself be back in the Sea Org?!!' and I'm so angry with myself.

I would also recommend Person-Centred counselling which is a gentle approach to counselling & the counsellor will take your lead. It's very respectful, empathic & non-judgemental. It's helped me enormously. Good luck & take care xxx

[RBMM]

But I had 2 recurring nightmares for years. In one I was running through a town, being chased by 2 S.O members...

Do these nightmares end fairly quickly when they happen? You snap out of them quickly?

[poppy]

Do these nightmares end fairly quickly when they happen? You snap out of them quickly?

Yes - and I usually wake up abit panicked but relieved its not real but actually that panicky feeling lingers for a bit. Haven't had any for ages though - I've managed to get rid of my anxiety (mostly) but it hasn't been easy.