My real story. Anonymous no more?
WARNING: WALL OF TEXT FOLLOWS!! (It’s pretty boring so tl;dr is completely understandable)
Not long ago, our own lovely “Freetoshine” started a thread on here using a posting I had made elsewhere:
Part of my posting told a bit of a story of myself that I had never told publically before. In part, it covered that I, like many Ex scientologists, was damaged goods and the fact that I had been hurt by the practice of scientology while at Flag.
In part I hoped to let others know that they need not be embarrassed if they too were victims of scientology “tech”, that there was nothing wrong with them if they were or are victims and I hoped that somehow affected people might realize that it is OK to be vulnerable and in fact it takes courage to be vulnerable publically.
I talked about getting therapy to help me deal with the “handlings” I got when in scientology but I never gave any details. The reason I did not go into details was in part because I didn’t want to drag everyone else through my personal drama and in part because I have been begged NOT to tell the truth by a friend indee scientologist who said OSA would totally trash me if I told the truth, using it against me when I testify again so therefore my testimony would not help others.
Perhaps a bigger reason why I did not go into details had to do with my not yet finding the courage to tell this part of my story.
But in a long talk with my dear friend Tory Christman yesterday, she helped me see that by “outing myself” I would very likely be helping others who might be having or have had similar problems that I had in scientology. And, if I did not “out” myself, others who might need similar help might never get it.
So, here we go…
In the past 4 ½ years I have had three emergency lifesaving surgeries. One, for a large aneurism that was about to “burst”, had my doctor telling me there was a chance I would die in or before the emergency surgery to start within hours. A second was for another aneurism found and a third was for a gall bladder that just developed gangrene and “exploded”.
Needless to say I lived. Lol (In fact I think some of my best postings on WhyWeProtest/Enturbulation plaining raids and otherwise dealing with organized scientology abuses were from my hospital bed just out of intensive care on two different strong opiates intravenously and orally at the same time. LoL but true).
All of these problems were heavily contributed to by serious stress that I carried most of my life but that was greatly magnified when getting auditing, ethics and qual handlings in scientology to the point where, had I not had a daughter who I loved more than life, I might be another suicide story at Flag.
There is a reason why I never joined Miscavige’s “boy’s club” at the top of organized scientology in the early 80s and abused fellow staff. There is a reason why I never struck another staff member, busted one, assigned one to the RPF, or even screamed at one ever.
There is a reason why I refused Hubbard’s order to us WDC members to spit on staff at Int who were busted.
Despite being far from perfect, there is a reason why I sabotaged every single one of Miscaviage’s and the Int Finance Police’s attempts to try to get staff jailed for their crazy imagined crimes when I was Special Unit IC and WDC X despite the fact that even LRH wanted heads on pikes.
There is a reason why you don’t tend to see me fighting on here, certainly not into the “testosterone-induced flame wars” on here calling others “boy”, “punk” or other such pathetic actions.
And there is a reason why I often cry when dealing with great sadness such as what happened with Kyle, Lisa, and so many others as well as in many of my talks trying to reconnect families or thanking Anonymous for their help as so many Exes found their voices by being able to don the mask and help turn the tide against organized scientology.
There is a reason why I tend to speak of my “sisters” in this battle, why I have so many Anonymous “cyber daughters” and why I so often especially admire and speak out for and side with the girls and women who take a stand against organized scientology and their abuses.
That same reason is why some people tend to find me very nurturing, compassionate and other such things as has at times been kindly said about me.
And finally, that same reason is why in my profile on a forum where I am Anonymous it says “I am the mask I wear”.
The truth is I am a transgendered woman and have been my whole life. I was born hardwired as a female while most of my body developed male. My life is one continuous series of examples of thinking, reasoning and viewing life as a girl/woman while having to constantly think “what would a guy do or say” so that I could keep up the pretense that I was a “normal guy”.
That does not make me special in any way, just different from most people. And it is not really relevant to the subject matter of this forum except to the extent of telling how organized scientology almost drove me to suicide by their incompetent and dangerous “tech” simply because I was a transgendered woman.
Like others, I was someone who cared and who was striving to better myself.
But every single time at Flag that “thinking like a woman” or having the interests they considered to be a woman’s came up I got either orders to ethics to handle my “out-ethics” or given tech estimates for tens of thousands of dollars at a time to “handle my aberrations” .
And the technical handling was awful, either “repairs” or “rundowns” that had zero to do with the subject of dealing with a transgendered patient or auditing to find nonexistent “body thetans” who were supposed to be the ones to really have this view, not me.
I even had one knowledge report written on me for shopping with the girls and talking too much like one of the girls (my God my crime was I forgot things like boys don’t call others “sweet” and other super “out-ethics” things like that and thus “spoke like a girl”).
The pressure was constant, especially during some five years on New OT VII and doing six months checks, to the point where I got completely PTS D, experienced constant despair and even thought of suicide as “the only solution”. What would pull me back was thinking of my daughter. And almost always the only way I could “FN” and be allowed to go home was to think of loving times with my daughter as I for years tried desperately to figure out how to get out of scientology without losing my family.
Scientology can be the highly dangerous practice of psychology by completely unqualified persons causing untold examples of PTS D and worse, even to the point of suicide. Yet it is protected and allowed to do this every day as its legal might defends the practice as “religious”.
When I have thought back on this, I sometimes thought that it would have been karmetic justice for me to die at the hands of scientology’s dangerous practice of psychology as I had done so much to cloak it as a religion which allowed it to continue to harm people like they harmed me, and worse in the case of others.
There is so much more that could be said about this but this posting is way too long already.
I would just like to thank those who knew about me being transgendered and supported me in same including Nancy Many who was the first to know of it years ago and gave me her undying support plus my dear friend Tory, Pooks, Emma, Glibby, FreeToShine, PodPeople, Kiss My Stats, Sharone, my lovely Anonymous cyber daughters (including Bluewig, RightOn, Tiny Dancer, Anon Lover for example) some beautiful femanon mods and other women who have circled the wagons to give me their love, acceptance and support when I got NONE of that from scientology.
I very much appreciate Pook’s and Emma’s eloquent words when hearing I was asked not to tell of being transgendered due a “scientological” view that OSA would now be able to “DA me” and my testimony. Those beautiful words from Pooks and Emma in supporting me were, and I quote, “Fuck OSA”.
The very fact that scientology would consider being transgendered an aberration, or that it is something they can “reverse” is itself telling.
I also want to thank Janet Reitman and Jonny Jacobson for supporting me on this also.
Lastly I want to give a big heartfelt “thank you” to Kate Bornstein who has blazed the trail before me, suffered as a transgendered woman as well (even worse than me) at the hands of organized scientology and who had given me her support on this matter for over two years.
My being transgendered would have become known by this summer anyway as I will be at a party with some Anons and Exes and I have been on hormone therapy for almost a year, including estrogen, after over a year of therapy and my body is really changing. Oh the joy of basically going through the puberty of a 13 year old girl with raeging hormones at the ripe old age of 60
If this helps even one person it is worth any and all hassles that may otherwise come from this. If you’re a scientologist or an exscientologist and are also transgendered and need a friend contact me.
I attended a ceremony for transgendered people who have committed suicide or were murdered because they were transgendered. I want to spend part of the rest of my life, like Kate, trying to help other transgendered women and men not to go that route.