L. Ron Hubbard's final concert rider
by, 7th July 2012 at 07:21 AM (1283 Views)
The following general provisions for the upcoming appearance of Mr. Hubbard (hereinafter referred to as “Ron”) at your venue will ensure an upstat and controlled environment for Ron’s stay.L. Ron Hubbard’s Final Concert Rider
This rider must not be altered or squirreled in any way.
A banquet with at least 13 entrées, with plenty of rich, starchy, and sugar laden foods, must be laid out for Ron, with plenty of rice and beans for his entourage. Lots of rum, reds, and blues, and 13 cartons of Kool non-filtered cigarettes should be provided.
A large bowl of varied pharmaceuticals should be in a conspicuous place.
A closet with the following outfits must be provided:
· A Cowboy outfit
· A Navy Commodore uniform with lots of medals
· An Explorer outfit with pith helmet
· A Blackfeet Native American outfit
· A D.W. Griffith Director outfit
· An Aviator outfit
· A Doctor outfit
· A Pirate outfit
· An Eagle Boy Scout uniform
· Ascots, at least four different colors
· A Marcabian Federation racecar driver outfit
· A Buddha outfit
· A Superhero outfit
Each outfit must be washed in pure water thirteen times, using thirteen different buckets of clean water to rinse each outfit.
No toothbrushes, toothpaste or fingernail clippers need to be in Ron’s quarters. Also, no computers, televisions, radios, or entheta magazines should be on the premises. All windows must be wiped clear, using the newspaper method.
Seven teen females between the ages of 13 and 15 must be available 24/7 to assist Ron in getting dressed (be extra careful when holding his pants to NOT LET THE PANT LEG TOUCH THE FLOOR), light his cigarettes, catch his ashes, flick his cigarette, carry his ashtray, and shoot him with his Vistaril to help him while he is researching the higher levels of existence.
Four different colors of e-meters should be provided. If not sure, check E-Bay, there seems to be quite a few of them there lately.
At least seven armed guards must be available to protect Ron from psychiatrists, the American Psychiatric Association, process servers, Interpol, the government of Rhodesia, the FBI, the IRS, the FDA, SPs. disgruntled (go get a dictionary and clear that word before you go any further) ex-parishioners, SMERSH, William Burroughs, and countless others.
All employees must be sec-checked before being allowed the privilege of serving Ron. See attached bulletin.
Any mention of Xenu or Katie Holmes or Bornstein any other dangerous pneumonia-inducing acts or Katies would have normally been followed by your group being declared as Suppressive and Fair Game procedures would have resulted, but now that Ron, because of his beneficial nature, has cancelled this procedure for humanitarian reasons, now you will only be sued into non-existence instead of otherwise punished.
Finally, it is highly suggested that you acquire the L. Ron Hubbard Encyclopedia to assist you in your service to Ron and soon, you will look forward to serving Ron now and forever.