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clamicide

Ain't that interesting (not)

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by , 6th November 2011 at 05:25 AM (693 Views)
I've been off here for a long time. I never finished my story, yet Sci never quite finished with me. I think I do need to write it out, but I don't know when I will. I just don't think about the cult much, but I do know it is a huge part of who I am.

I came off the waiting list for health care recently, and it turns out there are some things going on. Probably not major, but stuff that could affect things in an odd way. Stuff that would explain a lot... calling folks while I'm asleep and not remembering... incoherent phases. Some of this might be traced to the cult--but, some of it might be physiological.

I feel like I'm beyond the cult most days... but, then... I see this weird phenomena and the docs are not sure what has to do with the body and what has to do with the cult.

I'm still dealing with chronic pain and nausea. I'm scheduled for an MRI because my memory is messed up and I tend to black out. But, that was my daily life in the cult, so I don't know if I just still need to process more.

I'm accepted for transfer into a great university. I'm studying acting under a scholarship in an exclusive group and have committed to doing a one-woman show (fuck--I feel in over my head), I get folks constantly asking me for help in their studies because they think I'm smart or something...(and I hope to HELL I can turn that into a career)...

but, I just feel off. My brain feels fuzzy. I don't know if I'm still in the cult thing--if it's stuff that the docs are looking to fix... or ????

I just want to feel like somebody who has never been in a cult. Yet, I do want that experience, because people need to know, and I hope to be someone who can tell them.

I was a Scientologist...in some ways, I'm realizing, I will always be a Scio--just because there are so many people I left behind. Just because being in the cult formed so much of my identity because I got in so young. I'll fight it like hell until the day I die, and will work to pull out every tiny thread that I wove into my psyche, but...as long as this cult exists...I'll never fucking forget.
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  1. Lorinwolf's Avatar
    Hi,Clamicide,
    I haven't been here awhile myself and just noticed your post. I just wanted to give you a two thumbs up in support. Lots of stuff can get keyed in by going in and out of anything and this Group was a large anything for all of us who did get out.

    Keep on keeping on. You are not alone. Hang tough and keep working on your acting. And give your self just one thing a day that you acknowlegde as something that makes you happy, even if it is just a piece of chocolate or some clean fresh air. I have a lot of pain and anguish too and sometimes it is the small things that help the most.
    Lorinwolf