Thanks! This place is a lifesaver.
I talked to my Reg the other day because I have unfinished business with some Scientologists, and despite everything I know about Scientology after having watched every video I can find on YouTube and reading all the anti blogs, there was a small part of me that wanted to go back. I know that auditing just puts me in a euphoric trance state and doesn’t necessarily contribute to my spiritual well-being, but it was kind of like a drug for me. I flew up the Bridge because I was a Scn fiend, chasing that high. And if it were possible to be a casual, low-dollar Scientologist, I’d be tempted to dabble for fun. But we all know that’s impossible. So it’s with a slight twinge of loss that I walk away.
Still, I can say with confidence, f$@& Scientology and its midget helmsman.
I was in the same frame of mind as you when I left. I still wanted to go up the Bridge. But I could see that the organization was nuts. I almost went back in, even after getting declared for reading the OT levels online, and showing them to others. Fortunately for me, the Continental Justice Chief's behaviour when I reached to do the A-E steps reminded me of how nuts the organization was, so I didn't bother.
What helped me to permanently break with the church was auditing the OT levels myself. I'm not necessarily recommending you do that, but what it did for me was, it broke the spell of the mystique surrounding the OT levels, and meant that the church no longer had anything to offer me. If you've done a lot of Bridge, and want to continue, then why not just buy yourself a non-church e-meter (there are plenty available - you can even get a fairly cheap one that plugs into your computer, and uses the computer screen as the meter dial) and do something yourself? You won't pay by the hour for it, there's no-one evaluating for you, and no-one telling you you're an out-ethics piece of shit because you won't buy your 6th copy of the Basic Books package. Get a pair of solo cans with the meter, and explore to your heart's content. The only cost is the upfront cost of the meter (I'm not a meter seller, so I don't have any vested interested in recommending that). After that, you can audit to your heart's content. You can do the OT levels if you want, or you can try all the processes that are mentioned in the materials but never run (such as the Helatrobus implant) or you can develop your own processes.
Either you will reach a higher state of being with it, or you will conclude that Scientology is a crock, and be able to move on with whatever your next step in life is. Either way, you won't be getting harassed by a money-hungry cult that wants all of your time and all of your money, whilst telling you that it's never time and it's never money.
On the other hand, you may find after you decompress from being in the church that you don't even want to audit again. As you read the experiences of people who have done it all (there are OTVIIIs and Class VIIIs and Ls completions and even an LRH-trained Class XII C/S on this board, as well as former senior Sea Org executives) and see what THEY say they got out of their Bridge (or didn't), I think you will obtain a more balanced view of what Scientology is, and isn't.
Either way, I can tell you that the desire to go back in the church seems to wane over time, as you start thinking your own thoughts and doing your own looking. As time goes by, you will probably find that you quote LRH's opinions on this or that less and less often, and start supplanting them with your OWN opinions on how life and the universe works.
Good luck with your new life outside of the church!