Thanks for your story :thumbsup:
Thanks for your story :thumbsup:
Oh yes I shared the same guilt! Yet the motherhood needs were thankfully stronger. I hadn't been able to raise my first babe, and tried being on staff with my 2nd. No way could I do it again. Those years of 'firsts' with my last 2 babies were wonderful. I knew it could last until the youngest went to school and I would be harassed again. I must have projected FIERCE LION MOTHER there for a while, no-one came near! :roflmao:
When that magic period ended, I fell into the trap again, sadly.
I now feel that Fierce Lion Mother energy for all the kids and mothers still being abused. :angry:
I want to share more details of my leaving story:
(This was about 13 years ago now). 1992-1995.
Please hit your refresh button before (and probably right after) reading, because I keep adding/editing.
I'm sooooo TIRED of holding this and other stories silent for ALL these years, this is downright insanity to FEAR them!!
When they were supposed to be the 'answer' to all problems and the salvation of mankind? Huh?! NOT!!!!:angry:
I started out as Mission Staff training to be the PES for about a year, then it folded and I moved to the nearest Class V Org (Miami) and started out as DPC (Dir Pub Contact) in Div 6A and met my Senior (later became my hubby:) was the PCS. (Public Contact Sec)
For the first year, we loved our jobs...loved the idea of helping people in this deep, eternal way, you know?
We felt sooo special and elite and different from the 'wog' world.
We worked with good people around us. We loved nearly all of them.
Our PES was like a surrogate mother to us, helping us settle in...
she even found me a job.
So at first, I moonlighted and was Foundation staff, as was my Senior.
My Senior was also my 'Buddy' and helped relocate me to MM (abrev for Miami) and help move me and my things into my tiny, nasty cat-spray reeking studio apartment a few blocks from the Org.
We loved the acting ED we had at first, but he was just filling in for the Hitler-like :nazi: beady-eyed ED, the nice D/ED and Exec Esto
(I think that was his Post) who all came back from OEC/FEBC training in all their glory...and fire. :shark:
Then, things got real serious and high-pressure real quick.....
We were 'persuaded' to come on Full, Fulltime (you say both 'fulls' to mean working both Day and Foundation hours) to 'Clear The Planet' faster,etc...(so we worked from 8 am to 11pm-12am) :banghead:
We started working 76-hour weeks, making an average of $70.00 a week the entire three years we were there.
We had to run everywhere on post, even in place if we were standing talking to New People, etc. :run:
A few times, the entire Org Staff in full-dress wear were made to run around the block and Org during the day and with lunch-rush crowds around us. We got many strange looks.
We had dress inspections, had to stand at attention, and At Ease in Musters..(We were NOT SO, nor was it run by an SO ED...). We had to address our female ED as 'Sir' at all times. :nervous:
Our nerves were wound up tighter than tight and all of us had frazzled, haggard, desperate looks on our faces....
A typical day for me was: I'd get done from receiving a yelling/degrade from one of my Seniors, then walk around the corner with the happiest, widest smile on my face for the New Person waiting to get their Test Results or Session from me....:yes: and be routed onto the best Tech on the Planet! :duh:
The poor D/ED was so pressured to help the Divs get their Stats up...we'd be squeezed into small rooms lined with long tables, with phones in a row and do call-in boiler-room style.
Don't take your finger off the hang-up button between calls, no pauses except to go the bathroom and you better run while doing that or else! And no dinner, till you had certain quota of appts, too. etc,etc..
A mere few months later, the sweet D/ED was found nearly dead in a car he rigged to fill up with carbon monoxide.
He was then after, 'Babysat' 'Watched'. He was physically prevented from several other suicide attempts. Finally he was audited out of the key-in and was removed off Staff lines and offloaded into the wog world....I hope he's still ok. We liked him!
When our Stats were down, we were insulted and yelled at constantly and literally looked down at.
By this point, I performed most Div 6 functions (called 'Running The Front Line'), some times, alone. Mainly due to being so understaffed and Seniors being in meetings all the time, or New People would come in during our dinner and I and my 6A Senior would stay thru dinner, grab a quick bite while the rest of the Org was in Staff Muster, then back on Post.
I also quickly became bi-lingual as I'd excelled at Foreign Languages in school.
So I was frequently used as a Translator for other Reg cycles, etc.
I actually loved this part, since languages was one of my passions and I viewed the opportunities as a free school to excell further in it:D
Yet as a result of that and being upstat most times, I was forcefully removed from my post in Div 6A and made to become the DPR (Dir Pub Reg) in Div 6B.
Me and Senior hated this and fought it all the way. I was mostly upstat and a very willing person to do Div 6 gruntwork, that many others didn't want to do. He didn't want to lose me. He was a good Senior to me, too. All in all.
Well turns out, I performed both Div 6A and 6B posts...again, many times by myself.
I, myself bodyrouted anywhere between 50-100 people a week.
Usually around 60-70 was my average.
I'd bodyroute the person in, grade the OCA, eval them, audit them their Free Dn session, then Reg them. Most times in Spanish.
(I was not a very good Reg in either language tho, as not very many people signed up...maybe 5-10 per week from me, about 40-50 for the week by all combined).
The fact that so many New People walked back out that door after I worked so hard to get them in, would hurt.
Course, I know it was MY fault, and was often crammed, was routed onto the Pro-Reg course, did Vol 0, etc..and was better, but still stats weren't 'where they should be'...(they never are, eh?:)
Yet the hurt would run even deeper....I'd ruined their chance at Eternity, you know?
Try sleeping peacefully each night after every day like that!?:no:
After being in Div 6B, I'd talk more often about Leaving to my former Senior.
But during those particular months, he was happy with his job (I was too before I was jerked out 6A)and dutifully talked me out of it.
(Along this time, me and my 6A and 6B Seniors all moved in as roommates in a house of a Public who'd moved and allowed us use of their house.
I was usually upstat on my post, and one time due to this, I was 'awarded' by the ED, a trip to an outer Org to complete my Student Hat that I was mid,
and retread Vol 0. Now since I was within 6 months of finishing my 2 and half year contract, I had to sign a new 5 yr one before I could go on this 'upstat awarded' trip. I didn't want to sign it, yet was told by HCO to sign it now then we'll 'talk about it' when I got back..yes I'm gullible aren't I?:) Well of course, the stupid thing was binding, and there we go. The trip was also charged and I have that added onto my FL debt. (What an 'award' eh?) The whole thing was a ploy between HCO and ED to resign me, nice.
I was at CLOEUS for three weeks. I'd finished both courses in checksheet time, loved study and was a good student.
The Sup wanted to keep me and train me further, on the SHSBC.
My Org wouldn't have that.
So back I went on Post after my planefare was reg'd from a Public.
I liked the people I'd met at CLO. I can't remember their names tho:(
Regarding SO interactions with our Org,
We had several SO members at our Org, there were a really nice couple of SO members who worked on our CF project.
I saw one of them again when I visited CLOEUS. He gave me a huge welcome Hug!:)
We also had several SO Missions come to the Org and stay for months at a time to grab any Org Staff and Public off our lines onto the SO.
One of the Recruiter's name was Pierre, he had a heavy accent, I remember that.
Then other SO's would visit and they'd be Sooooo miltaristic and just BARK!
There was this one girl who'd visit for setting up certain events, and she was MEAN! But there were many nice ones too.
Ok, onward here:
During our years on staff, me and my former 6A Senior started dating and became engaged. :biglove:
Months later, we were married by the PES in the Org's new Div 6 Courseroom
(not even finished from the 2nd Reno done on it. We had to beg Nettie,head of the SO reno crew to let us marry in it) on New Years Eve day, PRECISELY so we could get out of going to the New Years Event each year! :D
We had to save about two months of our salary just to afford our scn infinity symbol silver wedding rings! (still have them, but wear different wedding set now).
Our wedding pictures look sad...as we had serious, unhappy-looking expressions on our faces! Maybe I'll show them here one day.
It was due to barely getting that day off Post to even be allowed to get married! :melodramatic:
We spent our Honeymoon at a local cheap hotel down the street, paid for by my parents who were at the wedding, and stayed in the room next door.
(Everyone was busy on Post, plus hubby was shy and didn't want a bunch of people there).
Then we were back on Post on Jan 2nd. :whipped:
For our honeymoon present from my parents, they paid for us our own private studio apt less than a block from the Org, this was perfect since we had no car...regrettably, we had to move out within 3 months due to having no money to pay the rent,utilities, etc. We had to move into yet another shared house with two other roomates.
Financially life was really difficult.
Some weeks, we'd receive no pay at all. We only got money from either selling Dn books on the street (keeping the book money instead of turning it all into the Org like you're supposed to, yet intending to pay it back, HONEST, we just wanted some money to eat food with....:redface:
When we did have a few bucks, there was a deli in a nearby grocery store, and for a cheap lunch, we'd go there and get their thanksgiving-style meal deal, and luckily the nice deli clerk would PILE the food in a takeout container and me and hubby would GRUB it, and then make it last for days! Neither one of could afford to lose any weight, so it was actually a hand-to-mouth kind of existence, foodwise!
Sometimes at events, we'd grub from the food for the Public, that was cool.
Other times, when we scraped together money, we'd munch on cuban beans and rice dishes, cuban bread and cuban appetizers called 'Empenadas' (like a small calzone filled with meat).
In many ways, Staff life was much harder than Sea Org life, cuz SO had a bed and food provided for them, where as we Staff had to work AND somehow pay for our food, an apartment or a room with others and pay our share, etc.. this was nearly impossible to do..unless you were a cutthroat Reg (Div 2 Reg maybe?) and/or sold books like crazy to everybody that walked! (Commissions). But SO's lived their lives in 24/7 where as we had a few hours of privacy/sleep, I guess.
We never did get enough sleep or rest, though. I was frequently told to wear make up due to my dark circles and pale skin.
Most of the staff lived on strong cuban coffee and cigarettes.
(I was one of the few Staff who did not smoke).
I was/still am an airy-fairy sort of a person/Staffmember and always did the gruntwork as it were-so I was oblivious to much of what went on as far as Office Politics....since most of my Post was spent outside, down the street on the corner, bodyrouting. These times were some of my only free times, alone, free to walk around, browse in some of the shops nearby, etc...this was before cellphones/Net, btw.
Ok, fast forward to the night we blew.
I think it was on a Sat night. We got off Post around 6pm. We'd just finished moving into the tiny room of the house we were now sharing with two other roommates, also Staff.
I was in the middle of receiving Auditing and was actually starting to settle into Staff life and not thinking about Leaving this night.....
Hubby was MAD due to getting into it with the FBO and the EO about something. He patiently waited for me to finish my rare fiction book I was a couple pages away from finishing. Then..... we 'went for a long walk' that night to talk.
I'd wanted to leave off and on for a good year, but kept being talked out of it.
Anways: he explained to me the story that broke the camel's back for him...(his story is on this thread)..so the decision was made by both of us to leave.
Our hearts never quit pounding from that moment onward...lasting at least a week!
And BAM, phone calls were made and an instant flight was arranged for THAT NIGHT by loving family (You know THAT cost a pretty penny!).
So the next step was getting out of our house silently.
Remember we lived in a house with other roommates (also Staff).
We packed what we could in suitcases and left everything else (furniture that I loved, clothes,etc..).
A cab was called and we waited in tense silence in our tiny room for it to arrive, praying none of our roommates would notice or hear anything.
Once it arrived, I was the first one to sneak out into the hallway with my large suitcase. The pounding of my heart was so loud, I'm surprised that didn't give me away!. Amazingly, the hallway and the living room to that front door, was the LONGEST, most INTRICATE journey I'd ever made...and I had to do it SILENTLY and QUICKLY with this HUGE suitcase, by myself!
Hubby had to stay behind in the closed room while I made the what seemed like hours-long journey....amazingly, I didn't bump it into anything and nobody came out of their rooms.
I was outside.
The cool night air smelled fresher than ever before.
I looked up into the Night Sky.
The stars were sparkling and winking down on me, as if to say:
'You've done it, You're FREE, GO!'
Then hubby sneaked out, it felt like FOREVER, then the front door was opened...for a second, my heart stopped.
Maybe it wasn't him! Maybe it was a roommate come to get me and turn us in!
But it wasn't.
It was my honey, out safe and sound, too.
We didn't even glance back as we were whisked away by the cab to the airport.
I was so scared, I thought maybe the cab driver was a Plant and would any minute turn around and take us back home or to Ethics, lol!
We got to the airport and boarded the plane,after a HORRID few hours wait-time... constantly looking over our shoulders. :nervous:
I can't believe how like Fugitives we felt! Like we were criminals running away from the Police, Jeez!:runaway:
We got to our destination and into loving arms. :bighug:
Thank GOD hubby didn't get any of his family (nor mine) into Scn, Thank GOD! :clap:
We literally huddled, shaking, on the floor of the living room for hours when we arrived,staring at the front door, expecting a knock, for 'them' to take us back. :nervous:
After we calmed down and could breathe again, we WALKED MILES to a nearby mall just to stay extroverted, fearing EVERY car on street whizzing by us, was 'them' following us....lol.:ohmy:
Yet the utter RELIEF was indescribable, you guys. :fly:
The SCENT of FREEDOM from the 80 hr work-weeks. The starvation, the ethics, the crazy things we were made to do for our Post or Org,etc...staying up till 2am being told how scum we were by our ED then come in a few hrs later to work..etc..:bully:
In the days and weeks that followed, phone calls were made to our place and at first they were told we weren't there,etc.
We could 'feel' that they had us 'tailed' and we were right. Because a few weeks later, they knocked on the door.
We were such paranoid sissys that we both hid from them till they left. :hide:
They even looked through all the windows looking for us! Hubby was hiding in one room and I was in another.
It was soooo humilitating for us, but we were not ready to face them, nor did we want to go back.
Well a few days later somehow we were convinced to let them in and they audited us in our bedroom, one by one.
(We were both in the middle of different auditing actions at the time we blew).
They convinced us to go back and route out standardly.
*STUPID thing to do!* :duh:
We rented a car and did so.
On our way back to MM tho, we made a very important stop...we went to visit my two young children (from my prev marriage to a non-scn, before Staff)....that I'd left over three years earlier and who were living with their father and stepmother.
Pics of those and that story is in Our Children thread.
But they actually remembered me and we spent a few precious days with them. (They've been in my life ever since:) :happydance:
Well: Not only was the route-out cycle MUCH longer than it should've been, but it was VERY expensive AND we ended up keeping the rental car too long, so long the rental company was calling us everyday to bring it back!
We FINALLY got out of there after THREE WEEKS of paying for a weekly hotel, rental car fees and penalties, countless, pointless Ethics cycles, etc.
I lied some of the final F/N's just so we could get out, so did my spouse.
All in all, a very stressful, dreadful time.
We were assigned 'Confusion', dubbed degraded beings, Freeloaders and informed we would die 'out there'.
What a lovely send-off after all we'd done for them, eh? :wink:
That last night we were routing off: Hubby and I were separated in different rooms and lectured at for over two hours.
My tiny room was FREEZING and I had a short-sleeved shirt on.
I was SO cold, that I was seizing!
I huddled my arms inside my thin shirt to no avail.
The OTV, L's Comp didn't care, NO!
(Come to think of it, very few OT's we'd met were glowing products of what $300,000 grand could get ya)
I just sat and stared at this supposed advanced, powerful OT'...
every single person was being listed to me, how every other Staff/Public that left and died, or got cancer, divorced, couldn't get any job,etc..all because they left Staff, or weren't active Public! :omg:
The whole time, I was shivering so bad and trying to keep my TRs in to the tirade.
I kept screaming things at the person in my mind and waiting for the person to read it.
Oh, Come on, You're OT V, L's and you CANT even do something as simple as READ MY MIND and you WANT ME TO STAY?! :angry:
I felt sad for this person trying to get me to stay.
But mostly I was severely introverted and trying to keep warm and control my convulsions.
Maybe it was also nerves that were causing me to do that.
They also tried to make my spouse leave me there and not take me back by telling of some long ago mild out2d withholds.
It didn't work. But they tried. THAT was hell, too!:omg:
And you know WHAT? After ALL this, we went back home...made new lives, yet STILL considered ourselves dedicated (tho unworthy) FreeLoader Scientologists and went to Events, helped out at the Mission near us, etc!!??
WELL: A few years ago, my spouse got up the nerve to read stuff on Xenutv about the OTs that left. I was very reluctant and scared to, but finally did it.
For a long time even while reading this stuff, my mind still 'justified' the data and stories..(well they had heavy case, had mu's, etc,etc..).
But it still kept me thinking...I wasn't yet ready to 'get out'.
The info of scn was just TOO good, spanned over one lifetime, etc. to 'give up'.
After all, if I DID give it up,
THEN WHAT? You know? I mean, I'd die and that'd be it. (vs what scn promises you about having OT knowledge and powers, no forgetters, etc..)..
Regardless: About four years ago now,
We actually took the plunge and decided to read ANY/ALL OT level info on the Net!
WE personally were SO scared, that we were gonna DIE upon or immediately after reading it, that we actually made a hand-written Will for the person who'd find our dead bodies....before reading, it.
We still have them to this day, LOL! :yes:
We actually both read the stuff at the same moment sitting in each others lap, in case we died suddenly, we'd be together! LOL! :ohmy:
Well needless to say, we're still here, (anyone still believe the church's crap that it isn't the 'real' stuff or else we would've?) and ever since then.... we LEFT and are OUT as of heart, mind, soul, etc.
Since then, I've accomplished MANY goals...
One of the things I'd done was:
I missed making a big impact on others' lives (or wanting to)....so I remedied that.
I became a Gestational Surrogate for a couple that couldn't carry their own child.
Their son is now almost three years old.
And the moment my hubby and I watched that couple hold their biological baby in their arms for the first time, :bigcry: *happy tears, happysigh*
I now work a job I love, and hubby and I have owned a successful business for many years now.
We still get phone calls wanting our FL debts,etc.. but we've told them 'We no longer consider ourselves scientologiests.
They just say ok. And still call constantly.
And we still get our mailbox FULL of JUNK from them!!
I've even emailed them to take me off all their emailing/snail mail lists. They ignore me.
Ah well: That's more of my and my spouse's story.
We've also since realized that there is no such thing as an 'evil SP' in the terms the Church described. I mean, just because we're 'out' now...do we now hate people, want to hurt them, steal, maim, pillage?
No! We still LOVE people, love being kind, helpful and we are happier, more successful in our lives, too?!
*gasp* Where's our damnation?! :whistling:
I do have a dear friend that's still in and we talk regularly and this friend knows I'm inactive and all, but not HOW inactive, lol;)
I'd hate to lose this person, but if I end up getting found out/declared soon..then so be it,
Sad that you have to be this way with this 'wonderful, helpful loving religion' eh?
Craziness, huh? Utter craziness!
Edited to add: I look back on this story and realize how victimy and whiney it sounds.
And I do know that the people who came to recover us were most likely doing what they thought was right and kind to us as thetans, bla,bla,bla.
But bottom line is: the treatment of Staff/SO/children in this religion right there, proves its built on lies.
All head and no heart.
We've since realized how worthy we truly are.
(despite the guilt-trips from Staff,Leaving,etc).
How much more successful we are in life
And most of all: How KIND 'wogs' are to us,
HUGS Hugs and more Hugs to this board, to my friends here, and to Anon.
Thank you for reading my long story.
I will post more as more memories come to me.
I love all of you!
enable comm to be kept in.
Were he winning on some program I wouldn't have spoken. But that seems rare nowdays.
Dunno whats right for you to do. I know how difficult this is.
I am so proud of you!
Thank you, GT and Terrill,
I'm glad I fleshed-out my story with more details. It helped to as-is it, I guess.
Terrill: Yeah, it's rough. If my friend decides to disconnect, then so be it, you know?
When I left, I lost Good Twin. But she's now back in my life.:happydance: It all works out in the end.:happydance: