Embarrassed to be a scientologist

[well_that_sucked]

After I left the cult and realized I had been duped and scammed, I was embarrassed. I was also ashamed. Ashamed I had wasted years of my life, tons of money and then there are the people I helped reg and recruit (read helped the cult victimize). For what? Bullshit.

As I looked back I had to admit I was also embarrassed to be a scientologist and extremely reluctant to admit it.

Why?

I think because deep down, I knew it was a scam, and I didn't want to explain myself or the weirdness of scientology. Besides the fact it is impossible to explain scientology without sounding like a retard, if you are not a scientologist, scientology it is retarded.

How many people have we known that keep doing ethics conditions for the same problems and never get anywhere?

How many people have we seen receive auditing only to be more fucked up and weirder than before?

How many people have we seen exit the Pro TRs looking bug eyed and seriously changed, and not in a good way?

How many people have we seen cornered by the regs, the SO and staff recruiters, and the IAS until they cracked?

How many SO members have we seen beaten down, exhausted, pressured?

It's the truths and observations that we continued to dismiss and disregard as failures to apply scientology correctly. The truth makes me wince. We were applying it correctly, that is why people got fucked.

I think that is a major reason why I was embarrassed to admit being a scientologist.

I did not protect myself, and I did not protect others, even as I saw the abuses, failures and contradictions of scientology technology, and the damage it had on people.

As scientologists we participated and contributed and turned a blind eye as we and the people around us were continually used and victimized by an evil and retarded cult. For money

[Tim Skog]

Yes, it is a nasty thing.

[Wisened One]

When I got out *for real* in 2004, only slowly would I allow myself to step back and see that I was involved in a wacky subculture/society all its own in the world of $cientology.

I also felt ashamed to admit it to others in life. Not only that, felt it would discredit msyelf any further if I ever gave any advice or was into some new product, etc. and try to share that with others....they'd automatically not listen to me due to me having been duped and in a cult, etc. Ya know?

I don't really feel I was screwed up by my auditing or even many of the courses...call me still brainwashed regarding them, perhaps.... or I'm just taking from them what works for me and leaving the rest, Idk.

I don't feel like I need to 'reverse' all the effects my auditing had on me, as actually I had some serious issues and personality bugs that imho the auditing helped, so I would never wish to reverse all that and perhaps bring back/magnify those same issues/bugs again.

YET....I KNOW now...as others here have said, that tons of abuse (on every level including experienced by my own Staff/scn experience) was done in the wings while I was getting my auditing.

I feel I've come out a stronger person in general. I"m so glad I am out of all that mess and not in any new ones (as far as groups...excluding this one of course, that kinda thing).

I realize I just rambled, hope ya get what I meant, tho?

Michelle

[Kathy (ImOut)]

I wasn't very open about being a Scn while in. I actually became embarrassed about it after TC jumped on Oprah's couch. Now it's pretty much a joke that I was in.

My "mommy person" jokingly said the other day as we were driving to lunch (there were 5 of us in the car and I'm not sure two of the people knew my past), "it's a no wonder you're screwed up, you were a Jehovah's Witness and then a Scientologist!" It was too funny.

I then found out that one of the gals had almost signed a contract in the 80s with the CofS, but wasn't willing to give up everything in order to work there. She was truly only looking for a job.

[CornPie]

...I then found out that one of the gals had almost signed a contract in the 80s with the CofS, but wasn't willing to give up everything in order to work there. She was truly only looking for a job.

At least she knew she had to give everything up to join staff. I had no idea, and they deceptively didn't disclose it in advance.

I've been embarrassed about scientology since I left staff 30 years ago. During that time I only mentioned it to probably 4-5 people. My family knew about it though, what a disgrace.

Within 3-4 months of finding ESMB, I started (truthfully) smearing scientology to people I know or meet. This was eerie at first, but now I do it about once a day. And for good measure, I make sure anybody closeby can overhear me. I think I'm making up for lost time. For me smearing them feels great, for you it might be another approach. But to try your act out, how about travelling to a strange town, striking up a conversation with somebody, and letting loose. I get just as big a kick out of it today as when I started out.

[FinallyFree]

I was also embarrassed for some time. Is till feel twinges of it. I am working on forgiving myself – and using it to help others. I have actually started actively warning those who I talk to who haven’t been in. I can say: “I was in once and I can tell you IT IS A CULT.” I will talk to anyone about it and answer any question about it. I have friends I was on staff with that I now support emotionally. Just taking these small actions makes me feel like I am doing a small part to “make up” for the damage done while I was on staff or representing myself as a “successful scientologist”.

My goal to fully forgive myself and just warn as many people as I can use my knowledge and experiences – and particularly to be there for others who are out and going through the same things I did. I needed people to talk to, I felt very lost and alone at first. Finding people to talk to meant a lot to me so I figure I can at least do the same for others.

[uncle sam]

My question and I do wish for your thoughts is:
"How is it not embarrassing to have joined and participated in this cult'?

[Carmel]

My question and I do wish for your thoughts is:
"How is it not embarrassing to have joined and participated in this cult'?

I get embarrassed at the drop of a hat, but I never felt embarrassed about being "in" Scn, and nor did I when I got out of it.

Maybe it wasn't embarrassing when I was in it, because I always had the church and the management as something separate to Scn itself (which at that time I believed was of immense value).

Maybe it's not embarrassing to me now, because I'd rather be and have more understanding of a person who was; looking, going for and supporting something they believed in, than a person; whose doors were closed and who cared more about the superficial things in life and his image, over the 'real' things, the 'real' issues and his fellow man.

Yes, we got suckered in - But better to be one who has hope, one who is willing to give something a chance and have a go, rather than someone who doesn't want to give, to grow and/or to learn.

Besides, for one thing, I don't regret my experience as a whole in Scn, and for another, it was a damn good con and it wasn't only the not so smart who got suckered.

[well_that_sucked]

I get embarrassed at the drop of a hat, but I never felt embarrassed about being "in" Scn, and nor did I when I got out of it.

Maybe it wasn't embarrassing when I was in it, because I always had the church and the management as something separate to Scn itself (which at that time I believed was of immense value).

Maybe it's not embarrassing to me now, because I'd rather be and have more understanding of a person who was; looking, going for and supporting something they believed in, than a person; whose doors were closed and who cared more about the superficial things in life and his image, over the 'real' things, the 'real' issues and his fellow man.

Yes, we got suckered in - But better to be one who has hope, one who is willing to give something a chance and have a go, rather than someone who doesn't want to give, to grow and/or to learn.

Besides, for one thing, I don't regret my experience as a whole in Scn, and for another, it was a damn good con and it wasn't only the not so smart who got suckered.

Hello Carmel, I think the majority of us suckers were smarter than average.

But like most things in life, there is a trade off.

Smarter, willing to help yourself and others often leads to trusting people that have no business being trusted. Naivety.

We were so smart, so anxious to learn and help, that we failed to heed the warning signs that were everywhere.

The embarrassment is in the mechanics, the doing, the contributing and the witnessing of the scientology con right in front of our faces.

Scientologists are nothing more than automated puppets, and the strings that control them are the tech.

[Carmel]

<snip>
Scientologists are nothing more than automated puppets, and the strings that control them are the tech.

I reckon Scientologists could be labelled lots of things - "automated puppets" is way off the mark for most who I knew/know.