Embarrassed to be a scientologist

[Operating DB]

I was also always very embarrassed being in Scientology except the first few weeks. After that I never told anyone about it and I regretted that I had already told it to some people.
But I am very proud of one thing. I never recruited or got anyone into Scientology. I always thought that it sounded to good to be true, so I just wanted to become Clear. If I can do everything written in the Dianetics book, then I will get everybody into Scientology. As you can imagine, it just didn't happen.

Same here. Somehow I never got anyone in in my nine years. Maybe because deep down I knew it wasn't worthwhile. I always hated the idea of disseminating. However, after I left I prevented a co-worker from joining staff at Flag by scaring the shit out of her and gave her my copy of "Messiah or Madman". I was very proud to prevent another casualty. She never gave me my book back! Hopefully she used the book to prevent someone else from becoming a victim.

[Operating DB]

One OT8 I knew couldn't arrange a piss-up in a brewery.

.

Can you define this phrase?

[FlunkedForLaughing]

My ego is crushed. My life is in ruins. I burnt myself out with heavy marijuana use. (I was denied the purif btw - something I desperately wanted to do at the time). I haven't been able to forgive myself for all of this. My life is hell. Scientology killed my identity. I would have been better off if they just shot me when I first walked through their door.

Scientology is a dangerous mind-control cult. They use lies and deception to manipulate their members. When the members break away from it, they are left with psychological baggage that they must get rid of. It can take quite a while (months or years) to get over the mental programming done without their knowledge.

One thing that I found really helps is to learn what the hell happened - what the hell they did. There are some great books I have bought recently. One is "Combatting Cult Mind Control" by Steven Hassan. He got sucked into the Moonies, which is eerily similar to the Sea Org in a lot of ways. This book really describes what makes a cult a cult, and what mind-control methods all cults use to control their members. You said "Scientology killed my identity". Killing someone's identity is what cults do, so you then take on the identity of a perfect cult member and lose your old identity in the process.

The other book I just started is "Recovery From Cults" by Michael Langone. This one mainly deals with how to remove the bad feelings you describe above. This book has many dozens of contributors and is based on 30 years of counseling ex-cult members back into a normal productive life.

FFL

[uniquemand]

Exscilon, you'll be fine. Take a breath. Love life. Right now it might look like hell. Face it. Keep on trucking. I understand how it can be, how dark it can be. When I went through this, I thought there was nobody who understood. I was wrong. You have to start again. Close this book. Write a new one. The experiences you have gained will make you wiser. What you have lost, you have lost. Some things you think you have lost are likely going to come back.

Life is rich and longer than I was prepared for (but not billions of years). If I can bounce, man, you can, too. I know that can sound trite. Write your story. People need to know how you got in, what you experienced, and how you got out. It will do a world of good. You may find it cathartic.

Underneath the identity that was crushed, as you put it, there is yet another identity that is still there. We are like Klein bottles, or fractals. We keep reiterating ourselves. You are still there. You can recover.

[degraded being]

Can you define this phrase?

A piss-up is getting together for drinking, usual connotation is lots of drinking of alcohol.

[Doom]

A piss-up is getting together for drinking, usual connotation is lots of drinking of alcohol.

and that phrase is interchangable with; Couldnt organise a root in a brothel with a fist full of money!

[Dark Phoenix]

Exscilon, you'll be fine. Take a breath. Love life. Right now it might look like hell. Face it. Keep on trucking. I understand how it can be, how dark it can be. When I went through this, I thought there was nobody who understood. I was wrong. You have to start again. Close this book. Write a new one. The experiences you have gained will make you wiser. What you have lost, you have lost. Some things you think you have lost are likely going to come back.

Life is rich and longer than I was prepared for (but not billions of years). If I can bounce, man, you can, too. I know that can sound trite. Write your story. People need to know how you got in, what you experienced, and how you got out. It will do a world of good. You may find it cathartic.

Underneath the identity that was crushed, as you put it, there is yet another identity that is still there. We are like Klein bottles, or fractals. We keep reiterating ourselves. You are still there. You can recover.

Great post UM.

[degraded being]

and that phrase is interchangable with; Couldnt organise a root in a brothel with a fist full of money!

Yes. Do we know what "root" means though. LOL

The Ozzie species: Eats, roots, shoots, and leaves.

[exscilon]

Thanks for the replies. I may one day post my complete story. Tomorrow I'm working on getting into therapy. I left the cult many years ago thanks to the internet but have been a mess since.

[uniquemand]

Good thinking, Exscilon. A good therapist can really help. So can putting a plan together to achieve something you really want in life. The best thing to do is surround yourself with people who will support you and accept who you are. There are always people who will belittle you, there are even some people here who will say things to make you feel stupid for having been a Scientologist. We all got into it with the best of intentions. You couldn't get more idealistic than I was as a teenager. Don't let people tear you down for being trapped by a predatory cult. Don't let yourself tear you down, either.