Mutual of Omaha's "Wild Kingdom"

[Alanzo]

I'm your host, Marlin Perkins. My assistant, Jim, is over there behind that big rock. He has a net, and we're going to try to observe the rare and often fabian Scientology Personality in this particular habitat.

It's not their natural habitat. The usually forage and group in small, backwater buildings called "Orgs", but sometimes they wander onto this message board in order to clash with the natives. It's a territorial behavior they have. They believe "The World is Ours" and they tend to try to migrate to new areas and take over.

Jim and I are out here today in the hopes of snagging one of these Scientology Personalities or "SP" for short, to examine it closer.

All in the interest of science, of course.

Now, with Jim in place with his net, I will begin to apply the call that tends to attract any Scientology Personality that might be foraging nearby.

Here goes....

"I'm going to write a book about Scientology!"

"I have a website about the negative nature of Scientology!"

"I'm a journalist and I've just published an article on Scientology in a magazine!"

"I'm a psychiatrist and I'm here to help people!"

"I'm an expert on Scientology, and I'm about to communicate my thoughts about it to others!"

"I'm an expert witness, and I'm about to interviewed on a news show about Scientology!

All right. That should do it. and and wait.

Now, I'll put my pith helmet back on and sink back into the bushes here and see what might wander in....

Shhhh!!!

[Alanzo]

All right. It's been almost two hours and we haven't seen a Scientology Personality yet. It's getting hot in these bushes, and the flies are sticking to me like magnets. Jim is getting restless, I think he has to pee.

So we've got to up the gradient here in the attempt to attract a Scientology Personality....I've got an idea.

"Ooh! Look honey! They've increased our credit card limit!"

...

Yes, Jim is getting agitated now. The check for last week's show bounced, so Jim was not too happy starting out this morning, but now he's beginning to roll his eyes. I think he's whipping out a doobie.

"No! Jim! No!!! If they smell that pot they'll run like hell from here! Come on!. All right, well go pee then!"

Jesus! Do I have to decide everything for you??

It's not easy being Marlin Perkins, let me tell ya. This job is hell. How would you like it if you had to...

Op! What's that?

"Hare Krishna, Hare Rama!"

Oh, God. It's just a member of ISKCON. They're just evangelical Hindus. Very boring. What we need is a verified real Scientology Personality... a Churchie from way back. A Class 8, perhaps. Or an OSA member.

Oh well. We can wait. The camera has plenty of film and the generator is still working fine....

I hope we don't have to wait till too close to dark. This place starts getting pretty raucous around nightfall....

[Alanzo]

The sun is low in the sky and Jim is high as a kite. I was unable to keep him from smoking his little smoke, and so now I'm pretty much on my own around here, as usual.

No sign of any Scientology Personalities, today. So it looks like we'll have to set up camp here for the night. I'll keep the camera rolling, just in case one wanders into camp while we're sleeping and tries to give us a "touch assist".

I've got a bottle of scotch to drink by the fire tonight. That should give me some form of peace. We'll see...

Marlin Perkins for Mutual of Omaha's "Wild Kingdom", signing off for the day.

Stop it, Jim! No, I will not bark like a dog for you...

[Emma]

I'm hooked. I love a good Doco

[Björkist]

I'm just squatting in the bushes with a pinecone.

[Mary]

Hilarious!!!

We have got to start making a collection of these skits. Terrific material for filming.

[Alanzo]

Last night, around 3am, Jim woke with a start. There was a rustling in the bushes outside our tent. (I continued sleeping, that bottle of Scotch was such a powerful lullaby.)

Jim was petrified. What if a Scientology Personality had snuck up upon us and was rifling through our wallets, looking to sell us introductory books and tapes and to get us on to their mailing lists? He reports that he finally summoned the courage to unzip the tent door and peek out. He saw something much more terrifying.

There was a weird looking shamanistic ....thing... shaking a bell and playing with a pine cone in the bushes. Jim almost shat himself. He held it together, though, and it soon went away.

The Scientology Personality is an illusive entity. It's difficult to tell when you have the real McCoy in front of you. One of its most telling traits is its obsession with others. Its interest in the the tone levels of others, and of society - which it always looks down upon - its belief in the hopelessness of Man, and its contemptuous and degrading view of others who are not Scientology Personalities.

The Scientology Personality can become a cancerous growth on its host. It drains the host of its time and money, and it gives its host a series of false problems that can ruin its life. The Scientology Personality can convince its host that it is responsible for problems it can not possibly solve, and it sets its own host out on a series of quixotic quests that deplete its resources, distract its attention from vital self-interests, and pigeonholes its thinking into fixed and impotent patterns.

Yet it fights for its own survival like a Tazmanian Devil, kicking up dirt and lashing out at any threat it sees to its continued dominance. That's why we've decided to track one, and to document its fight for survival here in this environment.

Because it is here that the SP fights its hardest to survive, and where this fight is its most dramatic. Out among the Ex-Scientology Personalities, it must employ its most outlandish strategies of survival. And it is here where the ridiculousness of the Scientology Personality is so evident.

But in order to continue our show, I must go puke. And then, after that, I will be needing some alka-seltzer with lots of water. Then I, Marlin Perkins, will need a little nappy. Then a greasy cheeseburger and an icy coke. Then another little nappy and maybe a video. By then, my hangover will be somewhat alleviated and we can continue our quest for the elusive and illusive Scientology Personality.

And so, with that, let me say "It's Marlin Perkins, for Mutual of Omaha's "Wild Kingdom", signing off to nurse my hangover....

[Little Bear Victor]

This is better than Oprah! (I don't watch Oprah but I hear she's pretty popular...)

This classifies up there with the best.

Sort of like a "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Holy Grail of Scientology."

You must be a well-read person, Alanzo.

Wonder what happened to RR? He didn't show up despite your invitation. This is the just the perfect thread for him to try and distract people in.

V

[Sky]

Oh sorry, I don't want to scare off any approaching SPs...

Here, Roadrunner... c'mere little fella...

[Beef Terminal]

I viewed this thread at the request of Alanzo, but it seems rather dull.

Is that considered a "win"?