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Thread: Disconnected and it feels like I'm dying

  1. #1
    Patron with Honors Sai Ninja 2000's Avatar
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    Default Disconnected and it feels like I'm dying



    i got confirmation today that my brother has decided to disconnect from me. where the rest of my family stands (my parents) is unknown at this point.

    i'm so alone. i feel... so... alone. i dont even know what to think, my mind is like.. feels like its filled with cement and the only thought that's left is how much this hurts.

    how do i deal with this? what am i supposed to do? feel? think??? i just want to curl up into a ball and sleep forever and i cant even sleep. i cant do anything but cry.

    i know.. logically.. i should just keep moving forward with my life, make the best of things and *know* that one day they'll come around. i cant wait 20 years to see my family again. my parents will be dead by then. will they ever truly understand my decision? will they ever fucking get it!?!? why is a religion so goddamn important!!!! more important than FAMILY!!!!!! these are the only people i've ever had, who i thought would be there always. i never took it for granted but having such a "stable datum" ripped away so easily is like waking up with no limbs. part of me is missing, and it feels like its gone forever.

    how can i walk again? how can i even breathe again knowing the people i've loved my entire life have decided never to speak to me again?

    i didn't even get the courtesy of a disconnection letter. nothing. i'm in so much pain, i've never felt anything like this. i dont know what i expect from writing this... just.. needed to do it. this seems like the only place anyone would understand what i'm going through. its better than sinking into my bed i suppose....

    god... its not fair.
    Fear is not the natural state of civilized people. Aung San Suu Kyi

    In the end, if you know you did the right thing, you will be unbreakable. My Little Friend (ESMB user)

    But it looked so good on the box!!! FrankBooth (ESMB user)


    Live Your Life

  2. #2
    Gold Meritorious Patron GreyWolf's Avatar
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    For right now, just stay in communication with people here and just hold on. It will get better and hurt a little less as time goes by. So many here have been through the same thing and they have survived this. Just don't give up. Know that you have friends around the world who are here for you in your time of distress.

    Love and Respect

    Bob

  3. #3
    Gold Meritorious Patron scooter's Avatar
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    It's totally shit when you get disconnected from - I've only had good friends disconnect from me (thank God) but it must be worse when family does it.

    If it's any consolation - this cult won't be around in a few years and they'll want to reconnect with you when they too realize just how much they've been lied to.
    Paul David Schofield
    "Scooter" to his friends

    -----
    If he has no friends and everyone's against him
    If he's failed in everything that he has tried
    Try to lift his load, help to bear his burden
    Let him know that you are walking by his side
    And if he feels that all is lost and he is fallen
    Try to place that poor man's feet on solid ground
    Just remember he's some mother's precious darlin'
    Always lift him up and never knock him down

    Blind Alfred Reed

    -----

  4. #4
    Unbeliever uniquemand's Avatar
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    I'll tell you what got me through it.

    Chop wood, carry water. Talk about what is going on with people who understand.

    Then chop wood, and carry water.

  5. #5
    Crusader Wisened One's Avatar
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    I feel your pain, I do! I'm in a similar situation myself!! (not with family tho, thank god!).

    At first, NOTHING helps.....except being able to freely talk about it with others who will understand your particular situation. And even THAT doesn't *fully* help, as you'll know, but it'll HELP at least....hang in there, Sai!
    The night I escaped Staff:
    http://www.forum.exscn.net/showpost....2&postcount=33

    I get really tired of hearing about how the lower bridge has value. The lower bridge has the sole purpose of getting the PC to reach for more bridge. The fact that many people improved their circumstances as a result of a good intentioned auditor being interested and caring about his PC is not worth the long term and intended result of Scientology technology. GT

  6. #6
    Patron Meritorious Fancy's Avatar
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    You will make it through it as I did. I loved the one's that disconnected from me.

    Now I have friends out of the church and my family moved back to the city. They were not in so much so that was not an isssue but he did not talk to me for a long time when he was in Ca. He was growing up so sometimes he would say I will never talk to you again and now he calls me at times.

    I found friends in the freezone and elsewhere. I paint when I am not feeling sick.

    Anyhow as you said you know what to do and the church will probably cave in and you will have family back. You will be ahead of them decompressing.

    I have since lost my parents and I am alone a lot but one can move to do things to survive.

    My best to you.

  7. #7
    Silver Meritorious Patron Blue Spirit's Avatar
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    Default Go After Some Theta

    Quote Originally Posted by Sai Ninja 2000 View Post


    i got confirmation today that my brother has decided to disconnect from me. where the rest of my family stands (my parents) is unknown at this point.

    i'm so alone. i feel... so... alone. i dont even know what to think, my mind is like.. feels like its filled with cement and the only thought that's left is how much this hurts.

    how do i deal with this? what am i supposed to do? feel? think??? i just want to curl up into a ball and sleep forever and i cant even sleep. i cant do anything but cry.

    i know.. logically.. i should just keep moving forward with my life, make the best of things and *know* that one day they'll come around. i cant wait 20 years to see my family again. my parents will be dead by then. will they ever truly understand my decision? will they ever fucking get it!?!? why is a religion so goddamn important!!!! more important than FAMILY!!!!!! these are the only people i've ever had, who i thought would be there always. i never took it for granted but having such a "stable datum" ripped away so easily is like waking up with no limbs. part of me is missing, and it feels like its gone forever.

    how can i walk again? how can i even breathe again knowing the people i've loved my entire life have decided never to speak to me again?

    i didn't even get the courtesy of a disconnection letter. nothing. i'm in so much pain, i've never felt anything like this. i dont know what i expect from writing this... just.. needed to do it. this seems like the only place anyone would understand what i'm going through. its better than sinking into my bed i suppose....

    god... its not fair.
    I'm sure many will offer their help and suggestions, which should help.

    I've been at the same emotional level you write about, and you should know that myself and many others here will offer our support and spirit so that you can pull out of this.

    The "Church" will not be here for ever with their Insane Disconnection policy
    which LRH did cancel in the early seventies I believe. Certainly they won't be here for anything like 20 years, you can bet on that.

    Here are some useful suggestions:

    1> Go talk to some friends about it. If none find some in some light spiritual group.
    2> Get the real policy on Disconnection from Aida ("DianaClass8" here) by looking up her videos on YouTube.
    3> Look at a recent thread for this post #2033 which has a simple to do by anyone who will listen to you:
    http://www.forum.exscn.net/showthrea...10103&page=204
    This will give you some quick relief.
    4> Take long walks and LOOK more than thinking. Keep practicing, it will happen and you will feel better.

    More if your interested.

    You WILL pull out of this mess if you persist. Don't let DM make you another statistic. He loves to destroy and cave you in.
    The actual route to be free and return all of your true spiritual operating abilities is a total positiveness and the ability to forgive all (you too) for everything done and accept each being as you find them. In granting full beingness to yourself and others you will have ability to stop resisting the negative, which in turn assures that your full beautiful powers and abilities will bear fruit.
    ____
    "There is one coward on Earth and that is the coward that dare not know." >W.E.B. DuBois

  8. #8
    Patron with Honors Sai Ninja 2000's Avatar
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    thank you everyone for your kind words and advice.. i talked to my dad briefly today and he told me my brother has disconnected and that he would talk to me tomorrow. so i will find out whats happening with my parents tomorrow....



    i am lucky to have a wonderful boyfriend that i met through here in fact.. i love him and i know he is here for me. i dont know how i could do this alone. i dont know how i could do this without esmb...

    i miss my family.. more than ever now.
    Fear is not the natural state of civilized people. Aung San Suu Kyi

    In the end, if you know you did the right thing, you will be unbreakable. My Little Friend (ESMB user)

    But it looked so good on the box!!! FrankBooth (ESMB user)


    Live Your Life

  9. #9

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    Sai, I am so sorry. Just hang on. As long as your family is alive there is hope. I know that to you it feels like they have died in a way but they haven't. The grief you feel is the same as if they had.

    UM had good advice. Get out of the house, take walks and stay active. Don't sit around and think about it all the time.

    Go be free. That is the reason they disconnected from you in the first place. You deserve to be free and so do they. Someday they'll realize that.

  10. #10
    Crusader FoTi's Avatar
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    You haven't lost your parents yet....maybe they won't disconnect from you....it doesn't always happen that family members disconnect just because they are told to do so. Your brother will come back to you when he sees the truth.

    The church won't be around for long, and when it goes down there won't be any more disconnection policy.

    It's a waiting game.

    Sorry you have to experience this.


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