My story

[Terril park]

This is very interesting Whatever. Many in the Freezone got stopped at clear on the bridge. Especially those natural clear. I know of one who was refused OT levels, despite being class VI. He later cogged it was probably because he'd run upper level type data earlier on the bridge. Most get handled easily in the Freezone

http://www.freewebs.com/techoutsidethecofs

http://internationalfreezone.net

[The Oracle]

Thank you so much for taking me on the adventures of such a colorful life!

I simply could not pull myself away from the monitor!

You are simply an extraordinary person!

You will find the benfits from all of it rolling out before you like a red carpet!

You certainly have talents, skills and insight far beyond the average person.

You are extremely valuable!

All the best and Bravo!



T.I.

[ron's hat]

.....He later cogged it was probably because...

I hope you excuse me if I ask a simple question............but how does somebody 'cog' on something that was 'probably'? Could you please explain what a cognition is? And if it means that you become aware of something that 'probably' is...well, what's the difference between a cognition and a guess?

[Bea Kiddo]

Ok, this is pretty close to the end here.

Having been in the RPF a number of times and hating the RPF, being way overaudited on FPRD, not even on my own track, evaluations up the kazoo, constant ethics handlings, constant fixing of ME, instead of the groups abberation, I was pretty much frustrated, fed up and did not care. And yet I continued to pretend that I was part of the group and doing my job to Clear the planet. Yep, I pretended all the way to security, my Comm Ev and all the way to getting out the door. My mother thinks I will do A to E. But, after a break from Scn and reflections, I don't think that is something I will do anytime soon.

(I was about to submit this part and remembered another important part to this story which I had not mentioned yet, so it is interjected here One of the auditors at ASHO, named Cathy, was a Class VI Intern who was having a lot of trouble with everything: her pc's, her life, her family, her internship, everything was really a mess. And she was not taking the time to sort them out and was just trying to kinda get through each day. Then one day IAS regged her for 50,000, which she donated. Soon after that, who knows if it is related, she blew in her car and was driving all over. She was recovered (I dont recall how) and the folder sent to me and the Senior C/S to figure out what to do with her. When we looked through all the info, it turned out she was majorly introspected and ......... yep - you guessed it. The big ol' rundown for her too!!! Introspection RD. (I wonder, was it what I needed and that was why everyone else was getting it? No. Not really, but why were there so many, huh?). So I ended up C/Sing it and someone else was auditing it. I never saw the outcome of it because I got busted before she finished.


So, somewhere in there, I got into a several day fling with another staff member. One of the really big problems with that from the church standpoint was that it was a person of the same sex as me. We did not even go very far or do much, just enough to get me in a lot of hot water. I don't even have those tendencies, never did and only did it to get out. (I guess I decided to just say it here because if anything ever did come up from them about me, it would be this. Because that is all there is. But I think a point the Illusioness made on another thread about RFW and how they offend people they don't even know would be the same here on this. Putting this thing I did as a bad thing could make THEM look bad in the eyes of alot of people that are now accepting this type of thing). And anyways, I have been in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex (same person) for over 2 years now.

Anyways, this thing happened and I did not come clean on it. And the other person supposedly tried to kill themselves (not true) and then put under watch and they assigned me to audit them. I should have refused. But I audited her and never mentioned anything about the truth, and she was offloaded quickly. So then several months later it all came out, because they couldnt hold it in anymore and it was reported.

And so security called me and wanted me to go down to security for a talk and that was the begining of the end. Cool. I was under 24 hour watch and on decks for like 3 months (because I had to get a Comm Ev and sec check and its hard to find auditors for OT's, and things like that). So I got declared by Comm Ev for that and then got a sec check and left.

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I did get to talk to my mom a number of times through all of that and we had some good talks. She helped me financially because she bought my meter from me, which gave me more money to start out with. She also really wanted me to do my A to E and return to lines. She told me she loves me, and we hugged and I left. She knew where I was going. We talked about it, looked at it on a map and everything. (I have since moved though so she does not know where I am).

Unfortunately, she has never mentioned me to family or checked on me at all. I dont know if this is her own doing, or the church.

------------------------------------

Meanwhile, I was sent to live with a couple other people who were declared who were willing to help out. I could not stay there long because the guy was (and still is) obsessed with me. He has some weird ideas about me stalking him spiritually. I am about ready to get a restraining order from him.

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Meanwhile, I went to a reunion of my family, which I had never been to. People were so glad to see me there. They were also suprized that I was allowed to go. I had a nice long conversation with my grandparents. My grandfather was concerned that I would be going back into the church and didnt want that. I was suprized to find out really how anti-Scn my grandparents are. They never would say stuff to me when I was in, but when I got out, and they knew I was really out, they laid out how they really felt, about the years of frustration, about the embarrassment of their daughter, who they tolerate now, but barely speak to. It's a sad, sad situation.

And I get vacation time at work, paid. And I have already made time to see them several times and they love that. They are so suprized that I am able to visit so much. More than ever in my life.

I can't say my life is awesome or anything. Because there are downfalls. My mother, who I will probably never see, my father, who is declared and is not responding to letters or phone calls and I dont know why. My brother, who is still connected to my mom and Scn, so I can't talk to him either.

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Another conversation with my mom was the "PR" story to tell my grandparents. I was to tell them what happened and that I have to fix things. But she even told me when they passed, send flowers, dont go to the funeral because she was going to be there. I agreed at the time.

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So that is basically it. Part II was left out and still is at this point. It is a very hard one for me. I may post it later. And also, copying Mate, there will be reflections I am sure. Lots of things to add, with having been in for so long.

Phew. Hope it was a good read, I kept you entertained, and you have learned what it is like being raised in the Sea Org. And, in my mind, I never got a chance to chose if I wanted to be there or not. I guess I assumed it was my only choice. I was afraid of WOGS, afraid of having to find a job (before I joined, not after. After I left I was not concerned about it at all).

Send in questions or input. And peace to you all.

[Terril park]

I've found your story fascinating and hope you write part 2 sometime.

Something I've observed is that those who made it to the high levels of training you have are very smart and able. And I'm referring to before the training. I'm curious as to whether many kids raised in the SO achieved
what you did. I've certainly never seen any post publicly that they had.

How many others were receiving introspection rundowns?

You ever want to audit and C/S in the Freezone let me know.

http://www.freewebs.com/techoutsidethecofs

http://internationalfreezone.net

[popsweetland]

Ok, this is pretty close to the end here.

<snip>

-----------------------------
So that is basically it. Part II was left out and still is at this point. It is a very hard one for me. I may post it later. And also, copying Mate, there will be reflections I am sure. Lots of things to add, with having been in for so long.

Phew. Hope it was a good read, I kept you entertained, and you have learned what it is like being raised in the Sea Org. And, in my mind, I never got a chance to chose if I wanted to be there or not. I guess I assumed it was my only choice. I was afraid of WOGS, afraid of having to find a job (before I joined, not after. After I left I was not concerned about it at all).

Send in questions or input. And peace to you all.

Dear Whatever -

Thank you, for having the strength, courage, and integrity to post this gut wrenching odyssey. It is enlightening and inspiring to me and I am sure to numerous others who do not post.

"And, in my mind, I never got a chance to chose if I wanted to be there or not." This was not only "in your mind" this was in the real world, "YOU WERE NEVER GIVEN A CHANCE TO CHOOSE". You were born into a highly manipulative and controling cult that actually became worse after the demise of Hubbard. I do NOT condone what it was while Hubbard was alive, but it got worse far worse after his death.

Fluffy (Claire) said in a post a few weeks ago, "this is not the 'ology' I signed up for." The current COS is not the 'ology' that ANY of us signed up for, but you were never even given the chance to "sign up" (or not) for anything. At least most of us get the chance to examine our lives at the time we made the decison to "join" and to examine what we "thought" we were joining and why we were joining it.

You are an inspiration to those of us finding finding our own way out of Hubbard's "huge and complex labyrinth". He created a sophistry that contains some powerful truths but contains many more lies, half-truths, acceptable truths, logical traps, and extensive and deep mental manipulation. His heir (David Miscavige - the TTK- "temper tantrum kid")
has corrupted the best of it and strengthened the worst of it.

Thank you, and I look forward to Part II if and when the time is right for you.

Best regards -

Popsweetland

[freet43]

Thank you for sharing your story, Whatever. I greatly appreciate that you've been so honest and open, and it means a lot to me.

I had no idea the extent of the trauma that those raised in the SO went through, and it is extremely valuable for me to get that understanding. I'll explain why.

My story is somewhat different from many on this forum, in that I left 28 years ago and I personally did not live through the stuff that many others on this forum have.

I left when I could not reconcile what I saw the organization becoming. It was difficult to do, as I am still a firm supporter of the tech and my days on staff were some of the best days of my life. And, I've lived a very full and successful life - before and after my years in Scn.

In addition to the crap and criminality that I was becoming aware of, I really wanted to "have a life". I wanted time to have a family.

I saw at FSO how families had 1 hour of time together per day., and I later heard that even that was not guaranteed. I saw at our mission, how even the top execs had a difficult time raising children, with the hours that were required, and how children were being raised by nannies. I knew I couldn't do it - I wanted to raise my children myself.

After I left, I married someone who had never been in and had 2 sons. Although my husband was aware of my time on staff, after a certain point in time we never discussed Scn at all. Ever. I had left that life behind, and focused on my studies, family and later work.

I had made a conscious decision NOT to raise my children as Scn and had thought that as they got older, and could have a choice, that I may bring it up then.

I did not want to force any religion on them and I wanted them to have a normal life. I wanted them to be able to make their own choices (I thought children in Scn did not have a normal life, much like children of other organized religions). They were brought up a-religious, as I certainly did not align with any mainstream religions. And, their father had defected from a country where the official religion was atheism.

I also no longer trusted the Scn. organization. I wanted my children to have an education and the opportunity to support themselves, without being dependent on the whims of those in charge of Scn. organizations. Too many good people were getting declared, and I saw the criminality escalate.

Now, I did apply the tech throughout the time I have been out.

Knowing who I am, and the workability of the tech was never a consideration.

I know that reality is not shared with many on this forum, but that is my reality.

It worked for me, and my pcs, and many people I knew and know, and it had a lot to do with why I am who I am today and I will not deny that.

So my sons never knew anything about Scn, or that I had been on staff. At the same time, I also applied much of what I learned in living my life and raising my sons.

I could give many examples, but that's not the focus of this post. There were a lot of wins raising young children, which I attribute to the tech, and if anyone is interested I may share later.

Everything went well, until they entered the tough teenage years and their dad was out of the picture.

A father is extremely important to sons especially.

I had worked my way up to a demanding management position with significant time committments, and I also was not spending the time that I should have with my sons, when it was the most important time of their lives.

My sons were starting to question who and what they were, and trying to figure life out, wondering what their purpose is, etc. They were searching and experimenting, as many of us did in those years. Despite my best efforts to teach them about drugs, they both got heavily involved and their lives took a drastic turn for the worse.

They needed help, and I was not the one to help them, and for many reasons, I also am not a fan of psychology or psychiatrists, but I was willing to look and talk to some to see if they could help my sons.

I was not able to find anyone that I could agree with, so then I took a look again at Scn.

But, the more I looked, the more I saw the ugliness that the organization had become.

(My views on psychs is a whole 'nother story, and was formed prior to getting into Scn. - I can share that at some point also. I addressed some of that previously, but there is lots more).

I then found the FZ - I even found someone who is a psychologist as well as a FZoner .

By this time, my sons had watched South Park, and that, and the crazy stuff the church was doing is their impression of Scn. They did their own research of all the grimy details of people who died and what good people were put through.

They are not willing to look at the tech or get the help I know they would get through the FZ.

So, I have had major regrets about keeping Scn from them while they were growing up.

I've thought that at least they would likely not have done drugs.

Your story, Whatever, helps me see the other side.

What my sons could have been subjected to.

There is also the other side of those that raised their children as Scn, only to have their children be forced to disconnect from them. Those are some of the most destructive actions that the church has ever done, in my opinion.

Yes, the organization is so corrupt, that my sons could possibly be worse off if I'd gotten them involved earlier.

Or they could have been forced to disconnect from me, as I have always been one to speak out about injustices.

Now, I'm not saying that you are worse off, Whatever - only you would know that.

What I see, is that you have lived through a lot, but that you've got your act together. I can tell you are a wonderful person and I wish you all the best.

Thank you so much, Whatever.

[The Oracle]

Dear Whatever,

Thanks for sharing. I can assure you nobody out here thinks the less of you for for the guilt trips run on you in the Church for such ordinary explorations.

You are very big to be so forgiving of your mother for her hat dump on being a parent, her inability to care about her child, and for her treason.

As it is, one is supposed to climb over the backs of their parents to forward civilization in a better way.

Often when we have surpassed them and cannot idolize them anymore, we fall into a disgust looking back.

That is the time when we have to go back, lift them up, and carry them on our backs for a while whether we survived in spite of them, or because of them.

I hope for your sake you can keep on walking and not look back.

[Bea Kiddo]

Thanks guys - you all brought tears to my eyes (in a good way).

Reflections are next.... (part II is gonna have to wait. It is rough for me to tell, and could have ramifications).

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When I was really young, in the CEO, there were a few things that happened that I remembered:

We all used to take showers together in a big room. They never had enough towels and so we would have to run around inside the shower room, wall to wall, to dry ourselves off.

I remember when I was 5 a bunch of kids came up to me and told me that two kids were going to try to have sex and we were all going to go watch. We all cramped into this tiny bathroom (right nest to the reception desk, actually, I wonder why they didn't notice). Well, they got naked and tried but it didnt go anywhere. Ha ha.

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I was playing around jumping on a bed with Seth Price and I ended up hitting my head (I was about 7) and made a big gash on my head. I do not remember it hurting, but I remember being really upset because I was getting blood all over my favorite outfit. They took me to see Dr. Shields to get fixed up. I was protesting the whole way. I was telling her that it was illegal and she could not touch me without my mom. She told me to stay calm and she was trying to sew up my head. I was moving all around. I remember thinking that I needed a new tactic, because she was not going away. I told her that it was past my bedtime and I had to go. I tried to get up again, and my mom came over (she had just showed up, having been on post and not around when I got injured) and told me to hold still. I was mad at her for siding with the docotor. I thought she should just take me right out of there (when I found out I was getting stiches, wow, I was so excited!!! Everybody else had them, now I had them!! So cool!).

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Able Schwartz was another kid around that time who was very out of control. I remember one time he poured gas all around the bed of Sammy Garcia and then lit it on fire, with her in it. We were all standing around watching the flames, trying to see if she was going to wake up. All the sudden we saw a fire man coming up the stairs! We were so excited to see a fireman (this poor girl could have been killed!) and then we found out it was Terry Hammy (our nanny) and we were all like "AWWW, MAN!!! Its only Terry". Poor guy. He was alirght.

And another time Able found a beebee gun or something and went to the roof of the big blue and started shooting the pigeons up there (I think by then, he was posted as an exterminator, because the post fit him well, I guess).

Another time, when he was still a kid, he put a firecracker up the rear of a cat and killed it. That made me cry. I wondered why this kid was allowed to do all that.

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(all this stuff in this reflections section is from the 70's)

I barely remember the Melrose building. That was where everyone lived originally. I do remember the yard there and playing in it. Then after that, we moved to the complex (which was white at that time). Then they acquired the Fountain building (which is right across the street from the complex, next to the parking garage that they have). I remember when we got that other building, which was called the ATA (Apollo training academy - was for schooling for kids and also for mid aged kid/teens to grow up. The CEO was for the baby's and toddlers). It was raining that first day we moved over there. And they had a cool fire engine shaped jungle gym thing that we could play on in the back. Cool.

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One time my brother and I decided to get pigeon eggs from the roof of the fountain building. (Well, its not really the roof - it is under the roof, but above the ceilings in the apartments). So we went down to check it out and he ended up falling through the roof into the room of our friends the Wrights (or Walzers): Chin Dao, Mettayya, Sayadina, Dharma and the later on Lahai (I dont know how to spell). They were all eating dinner at home (which, come to think of it, we never did) and we landed right there!

Well, Mettayya was my age and we were friends. I kept in touch with her until the late 80's. She was working as a receptionist at a mission in Florida, but then she got married to someone and totally switched religions and was long gone out of Scn.

---------------------

It's interesting to me to remember some of these names of people from way back when. There are more that I grew up with, in different time periods, but come to mind here, if anyone knows them: Cassavius Tabayoyan, Kim Fries, Sandy Fries, David and Andrew Harris, Bill and Suzanne Feeley, Jennifer and Justine Lipton, Suzanne Reynolds (Wendels step kid I think), Mettayya and that whole gang of sisters. Brings back feelings of the better times.

More reflections later.:cool:

[Mick Wenlock]

Ok, this is pretty close to the end here.

Having been in the RPF a number of times and hating the RPF, being way overaudited on FPRD, not even on my own track, evaluations up the kazoo, constant ethics handlings, constant fixing of ME, instead of the groups abberation, I was pretty much frustrated, fed up and did not care. And yet I continued to pretend that I was part of the group and doing my job to Clear the planet. Yep, I pretended all the way to security, my Comm Ev and all the way to getting out the door. My mother thinks I will do A to E. But, after a break from Scn and reflections, I don't think that is something I will do anytime soon.

The further 'out' we get, the less likely it is that we will return.

So, somewhere in there, I got into a several day fling with another staff member. One of the really big problems with that from the church standpoint was that it was a person of the same sex as me. We did not even go very far or do much, just enough to get me in a lot of hot water. I don't even have those tendencies, never did and only did it to get out. (I guess I decided to just say it here because if anything ever did come up from them about me, it would be this. Because that is all there is. But I think a point the Illusioness made on another thread about RFW and how they offend people they don't even know would be the same here on this. Putting this thing I did as a bad thing could make THEM look bad in the eyes of alot of people that are now accepting this type of thing). And anyways, I have been in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex (same person) for over 2 years now.

The only people that care about this are the OSA twits. One of the hard things I found after getting out was that this smearing DA crap is actually powerless in the extreme.

Meanwhile, I was sent to live with a couple other people who were declared who were willing to help out. I could not stay there long because the guy was (and still is) obsessed with me. He has some weird ideas about me stalking him spiritually. I am about ready to get a restraining order from him.

If he is anywhere near you geographically then get the restraining order - and enforce it.

Meanwhile, I went to a reunion of my family, which I had never been to. People were so glad to see me there. They were also suprized that I was allowed to go. I had a nice long conversation with my grandparents. My grandfather was concerned that I would be going back into the church and didnt want that. I was suprized to find out really how anti-Scn my grandparents are. They never would say stuff to me when I was in, but when I got out, and they knew I was really out, they laid out how they really felt, about the years of frustration, about the embarrassment of their daughter, who they tolerate now, but barely speak to. It's a sad, sad situation.

after we got out my wife was very suprised to find out how much her father (and other family members) disliked and mistrusted Scientology and were very unhappy that she was in it.

Being in the SO one loses track of a social skill called being polite I think. I mean they we are wandering around telling out little lies about how we are doing, how much we earn, why we cant make it home for funerals, christmas, weddings etc and we assume that because our family don't rip our faces off that they approve. Nope, they are trying very hard to be polite.

I can't say my life is awesome or anything. Because there are downfalls. My mother, who I will probably never see, my father, who is declared and is not responding to letters or phone calls and I dont know why. My brother, who is still connected to my mom and Scn, so I can't talk to him either.

A great example of how Scientology and the Sea Org lay waste to families.

Another conversation with my mom was the "PR" story to tell my grandparents. I was to tell them what happened and that I have to fix things. But she even told me when they passed, send flowers, dont go to the funeral because she was going to be there. I agreed at the time.

This was the part that got me to respond.

This is my opinion and advice only - others may think waaay dfferently.

Don't EVER allow Scientology or Scientologists to tell you how to behave or what to do merely to accommodate them and their insane beliefs.

For a couple of years after I was out and when I was first on the net (Dennis may remember..) I was pretty diffident and careful about telling someone who was a Scientologist that I was declared and that they should not be talking to me. Then I started to get a clue (slowly) that this was a truly nutty way to do things.

I do not care what Scientology and Scientologists believe, I do not care what restrictions or weird taboos they place on themselves. If my being somewhere or talking or posting makes them unable to be there, talk or write - that's their problem, not mine.

AS for your mother's admonition about your grandparents funeral - do what you wish to do. Your mom is free to do the same.

Great story whatever - thanks for sharing it.