Ex California Cult Member

[Barbie]

Hi. I have been reading the posts on ESMB for a couple weeks now and I just wanted to say thank you to all the people who have posted so openly and honestly about their experiences.

I left a cult in California a bit less than a year ago when I moved to Australia. The cult was not Scientology, but from my reading, many of the mind control techniques used were the same. I was in for 18 years and now I am trying to adjust to a life in the real world.

One thing I am still struggling with is the intense need to ‘belong’ to something. I was (am) even checking out other ‘groups’ like Saint Mat, the Rosicrucians, and Scientology. It was a visit to Scientology and a very upsetting auditing experience that actually made me see some of the damage my cult had done to me.

Through that I have met a few very supportive friends in Sydney who are ex cult members. Anyone else I speak to about my experiences seems to look on me like an idiot… how else could you get involved in a cult… you must have a weak mind…

I would like to move on but even the simplest things I do bring up an association to my cult, like folding my napkin, opening a door, or looking a person in the eyes. And sex, especially sex.

How can I separate myself from these associations? I left my husband, my home, my animals… but I can’t leave these reactions in my mind.

I would be grateful for suggestions to resources on cult recovery, and especially grateful for any personal advice you might want to give on how to clear your mind from all the cult programming. After 18 years in, it sometimes seems like that is the only mind I have left. I have forgotten how to be myself.

[programmer_guy]

One thing I am still struggling with is the intense need to ‘belong’ to something.

I would suggest that you belong to your family.
Or do you not have that option since you moved to another country?

[ChuckNorrisCutsMyLawn]

Everyone handles it differently, you seem a lot further along than you give yourself credit for.

http://www.spiritualabuse.org/articles/recovery.html

[Mest Lover]

I found strength in my own self at my Baptist church.
I found new freedom on ESMB.

Welcome to the board, read a lot.

[Type4_PTS]

Hi Barbie,
Welcome to ESMB!

Steve Hassan is a great resource in understanding (and recovering from) the cult experience. His website is here:
http://www.freedomofmind.com/

At the bottom of that page are a couple books he wrote which have gotten excellent reviews.

[Mystic]

Hi Barbie. Many welcomes to ESMB and congratulations for surviving and leaving a cult. Eventually, a little each day, the cult experience leaves us as we return to life. Sometimes the "return" comes in huge gulps, sometimes hardly noticeable.

[Auditor's Toad]

Hi. I have been reading the posts on ESMB for a couple weeks now and I just wanted to say thank you to all the people who have posted so openly and honestly about their experiences.

I left a cult in California a bit less than a year ago when I moved to Australia. The cult was not Scientology, but from my reading, many of the mind control techniques used were the same. I was in for 18 years and now I am trying to adjust to a life in the real world.

One thing I am still struggling with is the intense need to ‘belong’ to something. I was (am) even checking out other ‘groups’ like Saint Mat, the Rosicrucians, and Scientology. It was a visit to Scientology and a very upsetting auditing experience that actually made me see some of the damage my cult had done to me.

Through that I have met a few very supportive friends in Sydney who are ex cult members. Anyone else I speak to about my experiences seems to look on me like an idiot… how else could you get involved in a cult… you must have a weak mind…

I would like to move on but even the simplest things I do bring up an association to my cult, like folding my napkin, opening a door, or looking a person in the eyes. And sex, especially sex.

How can I separate myself from these associations? I left my husband, my home, my animals… but I can’t leave these reactions in my mind.

I would be grateful for suggestions to resources on cult recovery, and especially grateful for any personal advice you might want to give on how to clear your mind from all the cult programming. After 18 years in, it sometimes seems like that is the only mind I have left. I have forgotten how to be myself.

I would suggest to you that you read thread after thread after thread here.

To me, a cult is a cult is cult. Some of us spent years ( hell, decades ) in the C o $ and can't explain it. Most of know what it feels like to wake up one morning without our "religion" of decades and our " dear friends" dropping us like we had the plague.

We've been there, done that, had the T shirt rammed you-know-where.
It does come right. Work through it. I keep telling myself I did not get consumed by a cult instantly and it is going to take some time to get myself disentangled from the bat shit crazy stuff I got myself in.

Hang with people who will help you recover - and there are many of them on this board. You'll see 'em, you'll know 'em let them help you. One day it will be your turn to help the newbies. And, I bet, you will.

Post or PM me, I'll do my best for you.

PS - what helped me with triggers was going " Oh, that's a trigger ". I'd NEVER realized damn near everything I did in my waking life was a trigger !

[Div6]

One of the attractions of "the cult experience" is that you don't have to be concerned over the increased noise in the world...the cult provides a shell and answers for some of the difficult questions in life. It is not surprising that after leaving a structured group you seek structure elsewhere, and it is a natural thing in life to want to grow, learn and do new things. Cults look "emotionally safe" from the outside, and Scn particularly so given their advertised "codes" and seeming focus on "ethical conduct". But this board is a testament to the fact that they are currently "window dressing" to a much darker scene. You would do well to read, talk to others, and build a life that suits you, and your interests. There are many ways to share common interests and purposes without having to sign your life away (or in the case of Scientology's Sea Org, a billion years.)

Thanks for posting, and best wishes in your new life.

[Barbie]

I would suggest that you belong to your family.
Or do you not have that option since you moved to another country?

I disconnected from my family while I was in the cult and I am trying to rebuild those relationships, which is good. None of them are here in Australia, and after almost 18 years of no communication I hardly know them and they don't know me. They are open and caring but it needs to go deeper. Luckily I have the opportunity now (but honestly I do not think it will ever be a very close relationship).

[Sindy]

One of the attractions of "the cult experience" is that you don't have to be concerned over the increased noise in the world...the cult provides a shell and answers for some of the difficult questions in life. It is not surprising that after leaving a structured group you seek structure elsewhere, and it is a natural thing in life to want to grow, learn and do new things. Cults look "emotionally safe" from the outside, and Scn particularly so given their advertised "codes" and seeming focus on "ethical conduct". But this board is a testament to the fact that they are currently "window dressing" to a much darker scene. You would do well to read, talk to others, and build a life that suits you, and your interests. There are many ways to share common interests and purposes without having to sign your life away (or in the case of Scientology's Sea Org, a billion years.)

Thanks for posting, and best wishes in your new life.

What a kind post.