I still have nightmares, a year later.

[staffmember1234]

I left Scientology as a staff member about a year ago, and I still have weekly nightmares about being back on staff. Sometimes they are about things I experienced while on staff, and sometimes I find myself back on staff knowing that I had once left. I generally feel a lot of anxiety in these dreams, I start to freak out and cry because I know that my life is over, and I wonder how could I ever be back here again. I probably have 1-3 nightmares a week that revolve around being on staff. I wish I could get these out of my head.

[Free to shine]

Hi... you're not alone in this, there are quite a few stories and threads that deal with the after effects of such a high stress environment. Perhaps do a search on "nightmares" here and see what comes up.

Your life is not over, it is just beginning anew, and now you can actually choose what to do, what to think about, to relax, to eat well, to laugh and to live.

Don't be scared to get professional help as well, this is Post Traumatic stress stuff and even if a counsellor doesn't know all the ins and outs, a supporting ear can help a lot.
You are not alone.

[JennMint]

I am so very sorry that you are going through so much. You are definitely in my thoughts. I hope that, in time, you are able to find some peace.

[Sharone Stainforth]

What Free to Shine said is good advice.

When I left as a child, I suffered nightmares for many years on and off. I think it's perfectly natural after the traumas you have been through.

Then I didn't have them for years, having blocked them from my mind. Six years ago after an encounter with an e-meter, I started having the night mares again. PSTD is far more prevalent in Ex scientologists than one could possibly imagine and it takes a lot to recover from.I was very ill for about a year and it took all my strength and determinism to conquer this, initially it would have been very easy to give up, but something I learned long ago was I was not prepared to give Scientology the satisfaction.

Stay strong, avoid stress. Do get outside help, even if it is just talking to other people who have suffered similar or the same problems. Better yet, get some professional help, not all psychiatry or main stream counseling is the big ogre Scientology makes you believe.But do be very careful not to get counseling from bogus Scientology practitioners who advertise their "expertise" as bonafides in our society.More scientology under any other name is not going to help your condition.

I also personally recommend long walks in the countryside, observing nature can be very uplifting and a stress reliever. It might not be for everyone, but one of the biggest helps for me was facing my fears head on, initially this was even more stressful but as time has gone on, those fears have subsided. Protesting against Scientology, which was my biggest and deepest, darkest fear has had remarkable results in my healing.

Something I have always had trouble with is reaching out to people for help. This was ingrained in me as a child, not to put "entheta" on other people's lines. This is also a method of control and stops you seeking help when it is most needed.

There are many people who will help you, don't be afraid to ask for help.

I wish you all the best.

Sharone

[GoNuclear]

I left Scientology as a staff member about a year ago, and I still have weekly nightmares about being back on staff. Sometimes they are about things I experienced while on staff, and sometimes I find myself back on staff knowing that I had once left. I generally feel a lot of anxiety in these dreams, I start to freak out and cry because I know that my life is over, and I wonder how could I ever be back here again. I probably have 1-3 nightmares a week that revolve around being on staff. I wish I could get these out of my head.

You're not alone. I got out of the Navy over 30 years ago, and still have dreams from time to time of being back on watch in the engineroom of a submarine, complete with all the heat, minor steam leaks, noise, piping, etc. and the stench of the lube oil used for the shaft and main engines. And its not even like that was a bad deal for me at the time, but it did make an impression.

Pete

[GoNuclear]

I left Scientology as a staff member about a year ago, and I still have weekly nightmares about being back on staff. Sometimes they are about things I experienced while on staff, and sometimes I find myself back on staff knowing that I had once left. I generally feel a lot of anxiety in these dreams, I start to freak out and cry because I know that my life is over, and I wonder how could I ever be back here again. I probably have 1-3 nightmares a week that revolve around being on staff. I wish I could get these out of my head.

I've done numerous song parodies about Scientology, so I have one for almost every occaision. Check this one out.

Pete


My Time On Staff
(Parody of The Way We Were, apologies to Barbara Streisand)

Memories,
Playing havoc in my mind,
Stinking rotten foul memories,
Of my time on staff.

Inval’s recalled,
EO’s chewing my behind,
Taught to betray one another,
In my time on staff.

How was I so simple minded then?
I believed Ron’s every written line.
If I had the chance to do it all over again,
I would flee, and stay free.

Memories,
Of such sorrow and regret,
Just too painful to remember,
Yet I simply can’t forget.

But my declare,
I remember with laughter,
Whenever I remember,
My time on staff,
My time on staff.

[FoTi]

I left Scientology as a staff member about a year ago, and I still have weekly nightmares about being back on staff. Sometimes they are about things I experienced while on staff, and sometimes I find myself back on staff knowing that I had once left. I generally feel a lot of anxiety in these dreams, I start to freak out and cry because I know that my life is over, and I wonder how could I ever be back here again. I probably have 1-3 nightmares a week that revolve around being on staff. I wish I could get these out of my head.

You might try B1, along with Vitamin C and either Peter Gillham's Calm or Cal Mag.

I use this once in a while and it always works for me.

[Emma]

10 years away from staff & I still have nightmares. They aren't as bad or as often as they used to me but I still get them. They usually involve me getting somehow sucked back in to this group and winding up on staff again (even though I know all that I know now).

Keep reading, keep posting & slowly your mind will sort it out. It does take time though. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

[Sautez]

What you are experiencing is perfectly normal and there are many ways to get help.
Thank you so much for posting this as many people will read this and get help because you have shared what you are experiencing.

You might want to check this thread out: http://www.forum.exscn.net/showthrea...highlight=PTSD

Hang in there.

[Smilla]

Dreams are often a person's mind attempting to integrate unusual, or perhaps traumatic experiences, so they are not a sign of pathology unless they are seriously intrusive and unpleasant. They are attempts at self-healing.

If they become intrusive and disturbing to the extent that they are dreaded, or leave you feeling disturbed or upset upon waking, I would consider some non-intrusive, person-centred counselling. I went that route, and it helped me a lot. I still have the dreams occasionally, but not at the same intensity, and they're not as upsetting. Nowhere near.