This program drove me to the edge of my sanity. I felt like an animal in a cage, my life was not my own but belonged to the Sea Org and my fate controlled by the one person I was allowed to communicate with by way of writing a daily report and she seemed to hate me. I felt there was no escape and I became suicidal. I took to always carrying a pocket knife with me as the idea that I could take my life at any time was the only way I could feel some sense of empowerment. The one thing stopping me was the image of my mother's face when she would hear the news of my death.
I somehow crawled out of this hole and back into the good graces of the Sea Org. They eventually let me work outside on the ship's deck, which was such a relief from the engine room. I couldn't even think about leaving anymore, I just wanted to feel like a human being again and to stop smelling like diesel (which is what we used to clean off the engine room oil and filth we would get covered in while working there). So I rededicated myself to the Sea Org and agreed to stay.
I tried several more times to leave over the next five years and went through the same ordeals and treatment each time. Eventually in 2003, when I was 24 years old and had been in the Sea Org for almost a decade, I managed to muster the mental strength to go through their "routing out" (leaving) procedure and got my freedom. I am now safely home in Australia and have left the cult behind.