It was in the middle of the week when my brother, Harald, came home from work, around 8pm at night, and asked my mother, father and grandma if they wanted to find out about something exciting. My father was sceptical, but eventually they all sat down in the sitting room, and he opened the Dianetics book. I did not understand much he talked about really, and I did not pay much attention either, but when he talked about the theta-mind-body idea, I was all ears.
I thought to myself “wow, this is absolutely amazing, I am not just a body, I am a spirit and I can advance as a spirit, and there is an organization that one can work with/in that makes people go free!” So I decided to join my brother next time he goes there, just to find out what exactly this is all about. He then actually took me with him and I ended up in a smallish kind of office/centre, the Celebrity Centre Hamburg, where people are very friendly and helpful. There seems to be lots going on and there is a buzz about this place, so I am getting interested. I get immediately involved into stuffing promotional pieces into envelopes while I wait to speak to someone. Making a long story short, I was hooked and actually started working as a helper, being 15 years of age, to earn my first training course, the communications-course. Here I end up in the course room for the first time, and while I find it very unusual that persons are being shoved around (upper indoc TRs) I do adjust to it quickly as everyone else seems to think this is normal. Well, I would be doing it shortly myself and be made to see that this actually “works” – you can control your conversations and persons and thus what you want to talk about and where you want someone to go in a positive manner – well if you have positive intentions that is. Next I got to meet the Supervisor. John Scott Webb, who was so “uptone” and helpful, but at the same time absolutely ruthless on the application of study tech that I immediately got the KSW viewpoint from him. They really got that in on the newest persons right then and there as in this small organisation the Div 6 and 4 course rooms where in the same place. He of course was Flag trained as a supervisor.
The year is 1986 and I am just about to turn 16 years of age. After most of the Div 6 courses, that I could either earn myself or get my mother to pay for, my mother gets hooked as well and we start the purif together it is just before my birthday, in the middle of summer and we do it together. These vitamins and oils took something to get used to, but overall it was a positive experience – after all we were setting ourselves up to be ready for a possible nuclear explosion and be immune against radiation! I went onto the Student Hat from there. While on the student hat, I was being interviewed because my father did not agree with the fact that I was in this organisation and I was given the basics of PTS training, the “ups and downs of life” course. I learned about how suppressive persons hinder the progress of those who want to be free and how to handle it. It all made perfect sense, but right there I was alienated from my father and also my grandma, who also had objections. I got so well indoctrinated that I was sure that my father and gran had suppressive tendencies and that I either had to handle or disconnect from them. It was only a “good roads good weather” handling at that stage and I was allowed to go on with my training. I was still on the student hat when I was approached by one of the Network Staff – the Flag Representative (the one representing the management org) to join staff and for me that was a great honour, being 16 years of age now and nearly done with my formal basic school education, I thought this is the best I could do: join this organisation and work very hard to help “clear the planet” and set persons free and make them more able. With all the information I received from the spectacular events being held by Int Management, and all the wins always being told by the people in the course room at night, this was the way to go. Funny enough, it was after LRH had died and there was not much talking about that, it was all so future and expansion oriented. Int Management made Video briefings for the staff about the ingredients of expansion and the 339R programs going along with it to expand the org to Saint Hill Size now!
I did not hear any negative things and the only thing negative was the suppressive elements outside that wanted to prevent people from going free, including the tax office, that wanted to close down Scientology or was investigating the organisations. So I followed the advise to not watch TV or read the newspapers as this was all bad news anyways. So there I was, still going to school for a couple of month and riding on a bus for one hour after school every day to the org and to be on post part time. I made the required 40 hours by also spending my weekends there, which disconnected me from my school friends, who were not interested in Scientology.
I was now living in the well indoctrinated and isolated inside world of Scientology and everything that was against it was bad. Obviously. Right after I completed school, my father wanted me to start a formal education but I wanted none of that, I was totally on the band wagon to clear the planet. So the PTS handlings started all over again, and by now it had torn such a rift between myself, my grandma, my father and my school friends that the only way out was to disconnect – per LRH. As my mother also wanted to stay in Scientology and as there had been friction in their marriage beforehand, the divorce was inevitable and I decided to stay with my mother. So we moved away from home and lived together in an apartment, getting on with our training.
Right around that time, a mission arrived in the Org. Tiziano Fracassetti and Jean-Pierre Muley from the CLO EU. It was two men in Sea Org uniforms that were there to recruit for the Networks – the Flag Rep post and the LRH Comm post. The FR had to be Sea Org to properly represent Management, and as the current FR (Michael) was an LSD case (or so he said, which was found out later not to be the case…) he had to be replaced as he was not qualified to join the SO. I found the SO presence and dedication of this mission amazing and did not need to be interviewed. I signed up and preps were made to send me off to my Sea Org training. I was so happy. My mother found it a bit hard, but she let me go because “it was for the greatest good, for the greatest number of dynamics” and she let me make my own decisions. So off I went, but before I could leave, I had to get a signature from my father, so I could go and get a VISA for the US, as part of my training would be done there. I was drilled for several hours to handle him with “good roads, good weather” and other PTS technology and I got that signature. My father said that he did not want to have anything to do with me anymore if I go, and literally, this was a disconnection rather then a handling. But I got what I wanted (at that time) and so it went.
I arrived at the Continental Liaison Office EU in Copenhagen for my product 0 – the first of the Sea org training courses, the EPF. I had to fill out a life history and get a meter check and do all the tests – OCA, IQ, Leadership and Aptitude. Then I was ready to start. I spent some weeks, I think about 4-6 on the EPF, and just before I completed, I was told I had to do the rest of my training in Los Angeles as I was part of a Command Team that was to be send to one of the Advanced Orgs. I had worked in the FR’s office in the Class V organisation and was qualified to go and do this special training and then come back into the Advanced Org as part of a Command Team. I already had my VISA and off I went. I had never been on a plane before, so was very excited. It took over 13 hours to arrive in Los Angeles. And I had a stop over in NY, where I experienced my first antagonism directly against Scn from the outside world. I had taken the mailpack from the CLO with me and due to the change of flight had to go through customs with it. It was quite big and bulky and I was told to tell them there was letters and administrative papers inside – but surely I did not really know what was in there. I arrived at the customs, and was told “Church of Scientology? – open this!” I did not have much time to fetch my plane, but luckily one of the custom persons helped me to close the pack again after it was ripped open. I found those persons very antagonistic and thought to myself that they must be connected to the government offices that try to stop Scientology. I was so well indoctrinated at that time, and was part of the elite on the planet (or so I was told…) and there could not be any other reason but SPs and overts and withholds connected with those attacks and antagonistic approaches.
I made it to catch my plane and was supposed to be collected at the LA airport, but no one was there to collect me. I called the FCB (Flag Command Bureaux) and got told to take a taxi, so I did. I was very scared to be all alone in this city but told myself to “put my TRs in” and so I managed to arrive at the “complex” – the big blue – just about one hour later. It was late at night when I arrived, so I was just introduced to the Flag Flag Rep Yusha Turrol, and the Supergargo FCB at that time Carmen Cenador as well as her sister Vicky, and then sent to sleep to report for study in the morning.
I was put into a bunk bedroom with about 15-18 other girls, bunk beds 3 beds high, and did not see anything as it was so dark. This was not what I expected the International Management Orgs berthing to be like, but hey – I was just here for training. I was just a trainee and had a lot to learn. So I took it all in and adhered to what I was told. The next morning, and the coming 8-12 weeks I was training very hard to be sent on a Garrison Mission to the Advanced org in my Continent. 3 other persons were going with me, all sent to training at the FCB as well. There was a new Captain, Martin Pimont, an LRH Comm Tiziano Fracassetti, an FBO Jean-Yves and myself. We got our Garrison Mission Orders (which is a long term mission that gets started up with an actual SO mission going with it, and then the Garrison Mission continues with the members of it reporting every week to Management). As the FR, the one who enforces programs and orders from Management, I was made to be the Insurance Missionaire – the one that makes sure they get done and reports about the other members doing their Mission Orders.
Eventually the day came and our Mission was to fire. An Evaluation and accompanying program was made of the Advanced Organisation and everyone had their program targets to get done. We were fully briefed and sent out with a Flag Mission to start our new posts as a Garrison Mission. I learned a lot about Management operations while in training and also while being on Mission in that Advanced org. Now came the time when I had to show what I learned and get compliance to management programs and report about the internal situation of the org to management. I was their eyes and ears. My mentality at that time was to not be too much part of the local team, so I would be able to report out ethics and other situations to management and not be compromised. I was drilled to do this well while I was in training.
About 1 year after I started on that post, as FR in the advanced org, my senior the Continental FR, Brigitte Werngren, became pregnant and based on the Flag Order about Sea Org members and children, (FOs are references and issues that tell management how to operate) which was issued by the Executive Director International, she had to be “cleaned up in ethics” and sent to a lower org. I was chosen to be her replacement. I then recovered, with my senior’s help, a former Flag Rep for the Network, Stephan Schulz, that was able to re-do his EPF and take over the FR of the AO post for me. All that was done in a couple of weeks and it was now the year 1989. April to be exact. I remember that well, because I also just had attested to “past life Clear”.
Well now I was part of the Continental Liaison Office and the Network Coordination Committee. I was at that time at the same level and could issue orders to the CO of the CLO. Just after I arrived, the command channels of Scientology changed, and the CO CLO, Coline Ravachol, was at the top with no direct juniors, and the CO FOLO at that time Angelo Scozzi, and the FOLO staff were made in charge of the management of the organisations in the Continent. I was now at the same level than the CO FOLO. During those years, the LRH birthday game was the top priority, and it was going quite well for the continent in that game for years. ED International had been the Commanding officer for the Cont before the current CO CLO and there was a lot of “successful actions” and Ron’s advices for the continent to enforce. Some orgs started reaching Saint Hill size and broad marketing campaigns started, with the Marketing Exec Int, Ronnie Miscavige and Div 6 Internal Exec Int Diana hubbard, visiting the Cont. Executive Director conferences got held to keep everyone in check.
RTC was becoming prominent in orgs with the Divisional Summaries and the Power Quality Checklist HCO Policy Letters being issued. Orgs were now being directly inspected by RTC to ensure they comply with Keeping Scientology working. It was very exciting days, except that all the standard command lines of Scientology seemed to be bypassed now and the stats were crashing. Nevertheless, the Birthday game was still going reasonably well and it looked very promising until one Thursday when we called to collect the weekly stats of the orgs, and the Commanding Officer CMO International answered the phone in HBG org and told us to basically get lost. Yes, one of the orgs had been taken over by International Management as it’s Executive Director< Wiebke Hansen had blown from the International LRH Birthday event celebrations at the FSO due to false stats. This org had just gotten its RTC pass after an inspection by COB personally and was all over the International Scientology news as the ideal org. What a flap. What a situation.
The CO CLO, Coline, was ordered to come to the org to speak to the Int management terminals there, and when she came back it was seriously lower conditions and justice hanging over our heads. Something was going to change. It was never going to be the same again then. All management Data files got computerized, RTC Checklists were being executed by the LRH Comm NW and it became a very serious business indeed. KSW was the name of the game now, and if you did move just one step out of line, you ended up in ethics trouble. Well, soon enough now the New Era of Management was upon us bringing a whole new executive structure to the CLO. Everyone of them picked and trained at International Management under COBs supervision. The new Command team consisted of Wlater Kotrich as the CO CLO and his Wife Zara as the D/COI, Odile Mueller as the LRH Comm EU, Sarah Fear as the Esto NW I/C, Giorgio Rossi as the Cont FR, and some others. All the former executives were moved to lower org board posts, or send on the “vets return program” to be recycled basically. They were send to Flag Management for an ethics and sec checking program, to be then used as Missionaires and eventually be used as coins or re-assigned to suitable posts. I was kept in the CLO on Management lines and was now made the A/Pgms Aide, the person responsible for the running of all the Class V orgs and the AO. I was made to understand lots of times that I was part of the “old management team” and was an easy target “who” for investigations. I was on and off that post and on and off the decks and in and out of lower conditions for about 3 years.
What had happened now is that RTC Representatives, in CLO EU it was Antonella Tisi, were in every continent and supervising the delivery of the OT levels, and the implementation of the Golden age of Tech in every CLO and the orgs and especially the AO. It was very serious and a heavy ethics period set in. I had to report directly to the RTC Rep that was positioned directly in the AO, every Thursday on every target done on the IG NW Bulletins and programs and propose handlings for every org that was not in compliance. It was going for weeks on end that we were sitting in meetings to handle the non compliant orgs, with no breaks, and about 3-4 hours sleep at night. Stats were pushed up due to the amount of GAT programs and persons now having to do training again, and persons were getting their grades auditing again and all that, but there was no real expansion, so stats inevitably collapsed. I was busted off post and sent on the decks, without any Com-ev, and a Board of Investigation was held without me being present. I was removed from post after an investigation was done by the CMO, approved by the local RTC rep, and then a Board of investigation was held by the CMO, without interviewing me and I was found guilty. I started to wonder at that point what was going on. This was not what I had “signed up for” all the fun had gone out of this. I was then re-assigned to being the ED of DK Fdn, as the ED of that org, was needed by RTC to go for NOTS training to launch the GAT for OTs. It seemed all like a big bulldozer with only RTCs orders now being ruthlessly enforced on an or-else basis.
With the New Era of Management Command Team coming into the CLO, everyone was put on extensive ethics programs, with lots of clay demos and also mest work and even EDs of Class V orgs were called to the CLO to go through these programs. The CLO got a facelift with renos being done every week to make it all look good. Just before that all SO members were on all-hands to renovate the AO completely.
As the ED of a local org, I was happy to have a post again, but did not agree with the way things were going. 9/11 happened then and all the Volunteer Minister actions started as well, and it was the first time I actually got to know news that happened in the outside world. I was so disconnected before that. At one point while being the ED of the local org I was helping to recover a former Class VI auditor and get him to pay his freeloader bill and join the SO, so that he could go for NOTS auditor training for the CLO. I was still considered FOLO/CLO staff, again on Garrison Mission in that local org. The recruitment cycle had come to a point where I wanted to go visit that prospect to help him complete his ethics handling to be signed up for the SO and I wrote a CSW for 4 days to go there and do it. The CO FOLO, Fabio Bravi, agreed, and my senior the Programs Chief Lotte Drewsen approved it in writing. So off I went. I did not realize what I had missed when I enjoyed those couple of days away from the Sea Org discipline and ruthless schedules. I just felt a tiny longing for real freedom inside me at that point. I did not decide to leave, but it was lurking in me then. I did not ever have any holidays in all those years I was in the SO until then. There was just never any time. And I had been disconnected from my father and seldom had seen my mother and brother. There was no time for such family matters, the expansion of Scientology and clearing this planet was that much more important.
So I went to see this prospect, and actually stayed in his home for the 4 days. I did have letter contact with him before and he had been visiting the CLO for recruitment interviews, and when I was the ED of the local org, I got him over for a concert that we both went to and this friendship had somehow turned into more. I thought for myself that there might be a relationship in store – if he joins the SO. Other SO members had noticed that and I also told some of them. It was all in my mind. And I think in his mind too, but nothing physical had happened at all.
After those 4 days, I returned to the CLO/my local org, and one day later was called over to the CMO for ethics interviews. I was to be taken off post and put on the decks and get com-ev’d for this unauthorized leave and for starting a relationship/going out-2D with a non-so member. I could not believe it. All the LRH references available were used and twisted to make me see it. I refused to agree. I did nothing wrong. The CO FOLO was called in and he said he never approved me to go in the first place, and this is where I snapped. I decided to leave. This had turned into something nowhere close to what I though it was going to be and after over 15 years I finally had enough and smelled the coffee. This was no place anymore for me. I made my intentions known to the HCO staff, and they immediately put me under watch with a person following me and even sitting in front of my bedroom 24/7. I told them I would not blow because, at that time, I still had the intention to carry on as a public Scientologist. Now I spent 8 months on the leaving routing form, doing renovations work and working in the kitchen for weeks on end, while waiting to get through all my sec checks and other ethics programs, was told that I was full of misunderstoods and people searched my private stuff while I was not there. I was made to clay several Policy letters and was really loosing it with all this mental abuse. I just wanted to leave. Stop to be yelled at, put under “non enturbulation order” and other things, just to make me stay. I eventually made it out and will never forget the day I was sitting on the train to go to live with my brother for a couple of days before moving back in with my mother. I felt still haunted for weeks after that, thinking that I am going to be told to go back for more mental abuse.
I then had to find my way in the wog world and that was very hard. I had never had a bank account, had not watched television for years and literally had no idea what was going on in the world. I got myself a job, with no formal education and started a new life. I have never looked back since. I am a very happy person now and just too glad that I made it out. I did try to be a Scientologist and continue up the Bridge when I was out, but that lasted for only about 6 months, after being told that I had to pay tens of thousands for my freeloader bill and being harassed with phone calls to do so, and after being told that I cannot FSM without my certificated (by Fields Exec Int) and that I am basically a degraded being because I left the SO, I decided to leave for real. Something was wrong and 4 years after I left, I eventually typed the word Scientology into the Google search engine and found out what was really going on. I wanted to make former friends aware of this and got SP declared for doing so. My brother disconnected from me for that.
Well, I am so glad this is all behind me now.
That is my story in a nutshell. There is a lot more details and if any of you have any specific questions, feel free to ask me.
I want to say thanks to Emma and Mick for setting up those message boards for people to speak freely and find out what is really going on.