Page 5 of 8 FirstFirst 12345678 LastLast
Results 41 to 50 of 73

Thread: TOP FIVE REGRETS OF THE DYING

  1. #41
    BT-free since 2003! EZ Linus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    180

    Default Re: TOP FIVE REGRETS OF THE DYING

    I was just reworking my memoir/manuscript today and I ran into this, one of the big "regrets" of my life. I will try to shorten it up so it's not so wordy, but it's to make a point about taking care of your parents at the end of their lives.

    The biggest regret in my life is that I have wasted so much of my time and energy, trying excruciatingly hard not to be my mother, not to be my father, or my brother, or a bad person. I’ve tried, with all my might to be a person my father would approve of, to be someone God would approve of. To be worthy, smart, or successful. And I’ve tried hard to be someone my mom would approve of, which was to appear rich, pretty, or skinny.
    I’ve been consumed with guesses of what they’ve all wanted from me. And I came to the tough realization that I was never really in their thoughts to begin with, and that’s been extremely hard to swallow.

    Because not being noticed, and not being seen (or needed) is much much worse than not living up to someone’s else’s expectations.
    I only wish I could go back with the knowledge I have now and tell my younger self to stop flailing around and come up for air, but unfortunately, like most kids, I wouldn't listen.


    I bring this up because when both my parents needed care in the end, I actually felt useful. And I liked that feeling. I was never of any use to them before that. It gave me a chance to be of some kind of service to them. It made me important to them. That was all I ever wanted. It was my pleasure. I didn't even want the acknowledgement, much less any apologies from them, but I sort of received those too -- from my dad of all people (a WWII vet). Eight months later, my mom died too, but she was in dementia and it turned her into a very appreciate person. VERY surprising. I had forgiven them (or however forgiveness can be processed to the umpteenth degree) a decade before all of this. I think they came to forgive themselves on their way out. My brother and I made it safe and easy for them to do that.

    I think "forgiveness" is thrown around a lot like a rag doll. People say they forgive their parents for beating them with a stick or worse. Someone else hears that and wonders what is wrong with them that they can't forgive and then beats themselves up for not being the Dali Lama. I think there is a lot to be said in being seen. Being understood. Once I understood my parents or my abusers, or Hubbard, or whoever I felt did wrong to me, I let a lot go. Maybe not everything, but I was able to walk towards a healing place, or at least turn my face toward the light of it. I'm not sure forgiveness is completely possible for certain things and I think that is absolutely fine. Understanding is a lot more realistic. I completely understand why my mom and dad were who they were. And I feel unconditional love and compassion for them and their circumstances.

    Do I forgive what they did to me? Sometimes. I know they left this world knowing I loved them.


  2. Thanks dchoiceisalwaysrs, Free to shine, Glenda, Lurker5, afaceinthecrowd and 2 others says "thank you" for this post
  3. #42
    Silver Meritorious Patron cleared cannibal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Posts
    1,162

    Default Re: TOP FIVE REGRETS OF THE DYING

    Quote Originally Posted by Glenda View Post
    The past few years I have given your question a LOT of thought. The one about the idealised romance of what motherhood might have been like versus the reality that so many live (rejection, abandonment, etc).

    There is no simple answer. I fully accept that if my ex-hubby and I had children together I would 90% certainly have lost them to scientology disconnection. We would have raised them within the structure of scientology, as true-believers. Of that I have no doubt. I also have no doubt that my belief structure was destined to crack wide-open and I would have faced the unspeakable pain of what to do - leave without my children or stay living in a lie.

    So I have avoided that awful pain.

    But no one can begin to know what this ache has been like. In the beginning when I really faced the reality that I would grow old without children & grand-children with all its accompanying drama, the grief was very intense. I could not look at a small child without tears welling up. I do not wish to be dramatic, but that is how it was. Thank God I had a really experienced therapist to help support me through it. I felt like a total failure as a woman in a society that places such value on motherhood. People would ask me "how many children do you have Glenda?" (a very common question). My throat would constrict, my chest pound and I would either feel powerful sadness or fiery anger. No amount of sweet words from others touched the sides of my emptiness and misery.

    The first big healing step was moving towards fully facing what had happened and the absolute unfairness of it. Partly it was because of my own blindness to reality and partly it was what the cult inflicted. I had to find a lot of self-forgiveness. That was not as easy road, it took time and a lot of deep inner work. Then I chose to forgive the perpetrators but NOT for the reasons many may surmise. I did not want to carry the pain I felt towards the crazies that had been part of taking away the most normal natural thing in life, motherhood.

    There is nothing black and white about deep forgiveness. There is so much mythology surrounding forgiveness. I studied the subject from various schools of thought and found my own way forward. I chose my own path type thing. I did this simply because I wanted my dignity, my peace, my love for life to be in my own hands. I wanted my own heart to be pure regardless of how others behaved. That may sound a tad noble, but in reality there is nothing noble about it. It involved a huge amount of tears and anger and facing some harsh truths about myself. It involved a huge amount of inner change.

    What I am left with now after so much deep work, is a softness towards something that brought me to my knees and nearly broke me, several times. I have a gentle relationship with the sadness in my heart. I am "boss" over that sadness and honour it best I can. I have surrounded myself with people who are tender with me and never deliberately trigger the sadness. They respect my attempts to find some dignity for my mistakes and the cruelty that was inflicted by others.

    I don't view my live as worthless because I didn't have children. I did but I don't now. I have become (most days) a very proud strong woman. A woman who has truly tried to look at both of sides of what love and true connection means. I live in the middle of all that. In the mess. I have learned to laugh about it all, to accept my sadness and have found ways to give the powerful untapped maternal energy to various other things/people in life.

    This has been a powerful "grief process" and one which may never completely arrive at that black and white platform called "true acceptance". I can backslide into bargaining or anger from time to time though this is getting less as time passes. I have learned so much about myself and life because of exploring it. Regrets, I have a few. But I try to love them with as much tenderness as I can.
    Something I did get out of Scn is that I no longer fear death. I am not sure that it caused so much emotional pain that I welcome it or if I gained a deeper spiritual understanding of life and death. I do tend to accept life as it comes now. Really the only thing that makes me sad about death is the thought of my memories and knowledge dying. I think children are an attempt to keep these alive.
    As far as children I think they are a way in which we try to continue to live after our time here is gone. Really a selfish reason to have them.

    There has been some talk about the elderly. So many elderly I have seen in nursing homes seem to hang on not because they want to live but because they don't want to die.

    A question I asked myself once . If everyone on earth wants you dead ,do you still want to live? My answer was yes for now. We effect so many w/o ever knowing it. If you are honest with yourself you will know if you are a force for good and should be alive. A truly evil person will not ask this and they for sure will not give an honest answer.

    Glenda I don't know why you left but you had to be strong to do it. Almost all of us here would have had an easier time at least in the short run if we had stayed in. There are two kinds of people who stay in Scn, the cowards and those who are not honest with themselves and I really think it comes down to cowardice by not being honest to yourself. You don't write a post like this if you are not honest with yourself. Looking at yourself is not for the faint of heart.

    Bottom line I think those who remain in Scn are cowards by not having the intestinal fortitude to look deep inside and know what is truth.

    After thinking a minute about it I want to add something. Another reason to remain in Scn is that if you have looked inside and see it for what it is and use it to get and maintain power over others, in other words an SP to use the lingo.
    Last edited by cleared cannibal; 20th April 2017 at 10:38 PM.
    It's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not.

  4. Thanks WildKat, dchoiceisalwaysrs, Free to shine, Glenda, EZ Linus says "thank you" for this post
  5. #43
    Crusader
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    Posts
    5,005

    Default Re: TOP FIVE REGRETS OF THE DYING

    Quote Originally Posted by cleared cannibal View Post
    Something I did get out of Scn is that I no longer fear death. I am not sure that it caused so much emotional pain that I welcome it or if I gained a deeper spiritual understanding of life and death. I do tend to accept life as it comes now. Really the only thing that makes me sad about death is the thought of my memories and knowledge dying. I think children are an attempt to keep these alive.
    As far as children I think they are a way in which we try to continue to live after our time here is gone. Really a selfish reason to have them.

    There has been some talk about the elderly. So many elderly I have seen in nursing homes seem to hang on not because they want to live but because they don't want to die.

    A question I asked myself once . If everyone on earth wants you dead ,do you still want to live? My answer was yes for now. We effect so many w/o ever knowing it. If you are honest with yourself you will know if you are a force for good and should be alive. A truly evil person will not ask this and they for sure will not give an honest answer.

    Glenda I don't know why you left but you had to be strong to do it. Almost all of us here would have had an easier time at least in the short run if we had stayed in. There are two kinds of people who stay in Scn, the cowards and those who are not honest with themselves and I really think it comes down to cowardice by not being honest to yourself. You don't write a post like this if you are not honest with yourself. Looking at yourself is not for the faint of heart.

    Bottom line I think those who remain in Scn are cowards by not having the intestinal fortitude to look deep inside and know what is truth.

    After thinking a minute about it I want to add something. Another reason to remain in Scn is that if you have looked inside and see it for what it is and use it to get and maintain power over others, in other words an SP to use the lingo.
    I'm glad you lost the fear of dying from your experience with scientology. It is much easier to live without the fear of dying getting in the way or at least that has been my experience.

    It does take strength to leave scientology (and other cults). One can get very broken in the process of taking the big leap out of it. I would never have left had I known what was ahead of me. The cowards stay and those that let their internal fears get played on by the truly evil also stay. If you stay, or you stay in the mind-set, you have to act out the colours of the internal darkness of the soul-destroying (of self and others) mind-controlling system. You can't stay on any other terms. And you can't even sit on the fence (i.e. "I don't support the corporate structure but I believe in the tech..."). To do so is to simply perpetuate the internal blindness.

    I left scientology because of an epiphany. Fabulous, fiery and fierce, everything changed. Everything. I wanted the choices I had previously thought I held to continue. Those choices all dissolved in a few short moments. I had to leave scientology, no matter the cost, no matter the consequences.

    I've been thinking about your last sentence:
    "After thinking a minute about it I want to add something. Another reason to remain in Scn is that if you have looked inside and see it for what it is and use it to get and maintain power over others, in other words an SP to use the lingo."

    Yes. There are serious power and control issues involved. To always feel "right" and "superior" and take that smugness into every encounter with other people, is the life of the average scientologist.

  6. Thanks EZ Linus, cleared cannibal says "thank you" for this post
    Likes WildKat, The_Fixer, Teanntás liked this post
  7. #44
    Shiny Free Crusader Free to shine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    11,093

    Default Re: TOP FIVE REGRETS OF THE DYING

    I finally have time to catch up on this great thread.

    I think the only thing I regret is not trusting myself more than I did and not being kind to myself as the lack of both made me take paths that were very harsh. I've mostly come to terms with that though sometimes the tears are still there, but 'what ifs' don't help anything and will not repair my family or heal my body.

    My elderly parents died a couple of years ago (UTR exes), also my ex husband (scientologist) and a darling friend who was 82. The one that affected me most was the latter. She had an elegant dignity and taught me so much about 'the normal world' in a few short years. We had long conversations about her life, her acceptance of impending death and her preparation for it and she taught me well. Memories of her wonderful humour still get me through the day and most of all her acceptance of me for being who I was and am. I think I was a personal challenge for her, one of her last projects ... she said to me once, "You didn't look very good when you moved in and look at you now!" - like a proud mum. I accept my parents did the best they could as scientologists, yet this lady gave me more parenting than either had, even at my age. And her way of accepting her own serious challenges with grace was the best teacher of all. There's the word - acceptance. If we can do that and get on with making life as enjoyable (not a word with any meaning in scientology) and kind as possible, there will be little to regret.
    My Story - Becoming Free to Shine
    QUOTE OF THE YEAR: "I wasn't aware that a documentary (on scientology) was coming out but I'll be sure to not watch it." A Scientologist

  8. Thanks WildKat, EZ Linus, dchoiceisalwaysrs, Glenda says "thank you" for this post
  9. #45
    Silver Meritorious Patron cleared cannibal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Posts
    1,162

    Default Re: TOP FIVE REGRETS OF THE DYING

    Quote Originally Posted by Glenda View Post
    I'm glad you lost the fear of dying from your experience with scientology. It is much easier to live without the fear of dying getting in the way or at least that has been my experience.

    It does take strength to leave scientology (and other cults). One can get very broken in the process of taking the big leap out of it. I would never have left had I known what was ahead of me. The cowards stay and those that let their internal fears get played on by the truly evil also stay. If you stay, or you stay in the mind-set, you have to act out the colours of the internal darkness of the soul-destroying (of self and others) mind-controlling system. You can't stay on any other terms. And you can't even sit on the fence (i.e. "I don't support the corporate structure but I believe in the tech..."). To do so is to simply perpetuate the internal blindness.

    I left scientology because of an epiphany. Fabulous, fiery and fierce, everything changed. Everything. I wanted the choices I had previously thought I held to continue. Those choices all dissolved in a few short moments. I had to leave scientology, no matter the cost, no matter the consequences.

    I've been thinking about your last sentence:
    "After thinking a minute about it I want to add something. Another reason to remain in Scn is that if you have looked inside and see it for what it is and use it to get and maintain power over others, in other words an SP to use the lingo."

    Yes. There are serious power and control issues involved. To always feel "right" and "superior" and take that smugness into every encounter with other people, is the life of the average scientologist.
    This superiority feeling has been went over ad nauseam in a way but the importance can't be over stated. Scn does not have a corner on the market on this, though they consciously try to cultivate it.

    I think all religions have this as a draw and retainment tool though Scn takes it orders of magnitudes higher. The feeling of moral superiority is a drug ,an addiction. If you are not glad you are not longer under its influence you are not fully recovered and I might add still in danger. If not from Scn then from something else in which you get this same euphoric feeling. Really I think it so powerful of drug that we all are susceptible under the right conditions.

    I still wrestle if organized religion is possible w/o this. You can even throw political ideology into this mix.(global warming anyone?) Should the journey into the spiritual world ,the journey to heaven be one you take by yourself? Could what is right for you be wrong for someone else?
    It's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not.

  10. Thanks EZ Linus, Glenda says "thank you" for this post
  11. #46

    Default Re: TOP FIVE REGRETS OF THE DYING

    Quote Originally Posted by cleared cannibal View Post
    This superiority feeling has been went over ad nauseam in a way but the importance can't be over stated. Scn does not have a corner on the market on this, though they consciously try to cultivate it.

    I think all religions have this as a draw and retainment tool though Scn takes it orders of magnitudes higher. The feeling of moral superiority is a drug ,an addiction. If you are not glad you are not longer under its influence you are not fully recovered and I might add still in danger. If not from Scn then from something else in which you get this same euphoric feeling. Really I think it so powerful of drug that we all are susceptible under the right conditions.

    I still wrestle if organized religion is possible w/o this. You can even throw political ideology into this mix.(global warming anyone?) Should the journey into the spiritual world ,the journey to heaven be one you take by yourself? Could what is right for you be wrong for someone else?
    Spoton, CC!

    How powerful is our instinct to portray superiority in order to somehow get ahead in the human pecking order?

    How powerful is our instinct to socialize as a group, to join the group euphoria of perceived superiority over other groups?

    Sometimes, powerful enough to overcome or warp rationality or compassion.


    Quote Originally Posted by cleared cannibal View Post
    Should the journey into the spiritual world ,the journey to heaven be one you take by yourself? Could what is right for you be wrong for someone else?
    "Looking back on it I think I got these gains only because the processing made me self reflect and try to repair the damage done by it. So I made gains in spite of Scientology not because of it. It's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not."

    - Cleared Cannibal


  12. Thanks Enthetan, EZ Linus, cleared cannibal says "thank you" for this post
    Likes WildKat, Glenda, The_Fixer, Lurker5 liked this post
  13. #47
    Gold Meritorious Patron phenomanon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    2,535

    Default Re: TOP FIVE REGRETS OF THE DYING

    Quote Originally Posted by Glenda View Post

    (Snippitydoodah)

    Yes. There are serious power and control issues involved. To always feel "right" and "superior" and take that smugness into every encounter with other people, is the life of the average scientologist.

    This is so true!
    Downright Profound!
    phenomanon

  14. Thanks WildKat, EZ Linus, Glenda says "thank you" for this post
    Likes The_Fixer liked this post
  15. #48
    Oh, a wise guy,eh? F.Bullbait's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    960

    Default Re: TOP FIVE REGRETS OF THE DYING

    Originally Posted by Glenda

    (Snippitydoodah)

    Yes. There are serious power and control issues involved. To always feel "right" and "superior" and take that smugness into every encounter with other people, is the life of the average scientologist.


    Quote Originally Posted by phenomanon View Post
    This is so true!
    Downright Profound!


    A feeling sharing by all humanity. Our tendency to prejudice make us, in a backhanded way, all brothers & sisters.





    "Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company." –Mark Twain

    "Religion and theology must not be confounded. Religion is not doctrine, but a new birth." - R. Falckenberg History of Modern Philosophy (on German mysticism).

  16. Thanks WildKat, EZ Linus says "thank you" for this post
    Likes Teanntás, Glenda liked this post
  17. #49
    Gold Meritorious Patron
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    4,199

    Default Re: TOP FIVE REGRETS OF THE DYING

    Quote Originally Posted by EZ Linus View Post
    Me? Do something special for myself? I'll be surprised if I get myself in the shower today. I've been doing a rewrite on my book since 5:AM. It does not depict my growth and that really needs to be in there, otherwise, who would want to read it?
    I keep wanting to read your book EZ Linus.

    A couple of pages of posts back I was going to suggest you write another book. Now that you are doing some rewrite I see this is good, I get to read both your books in one.. and see, your growth is causing more growth... And oh, dont make it perfect...'cause then it would not be life or wordly it?
    Last edited by dchoiceisalwaysrs; 22nd April 2017 at 09:13 AM.

  18. Thanks EZ Linus says "thank you" for this post
    Likes EZ Linus liked this post
  19. #50
    Patron Meritorious Teanntás's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    825

    Default Re: TOP FIVE REGRETS OF THE DYING

    I've been enjoying and benefiting from the great contributions to the thread. And now I listened again (several times) to Edith Piaf's 'Non, Je ne regrette rien"



    Here's an Anglais translation

    No, I regret nothing

    No, nothing at all,
    No, I regret nothing
    Not the good things they did to me
    Nor the bad -- may as well be the same to me!

    No, nothing at all,
    No, I regret nothing.
    It's bought and paid for, wiped away, forgotten,
    I don't give a damn about the past!

    With my memories
    I've lit up the fire
    Of my troubles, my pleasures,
    I don't need them any more!

    Wiped away the romances
    And all their instabilities
    Swept away for eternity
    I restart at zero

    No, nothing at all,
    No, I regret nothing
    Not the good things they did to me
    Nor the bad -- may as well be the same to me!

    No, nothing at all,
    No, I regret nothing
    Because my life, because my joys
    Today, I begin with you

    http://lyricstranslate.com/en/non-je...nothing.html-0
    "Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through". Jonathan Swift

    “Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.” Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde

  20. Thanks WildKat says "thank you" for this post
    Likes JustSheila, Glenda liked this post
Page 5 of 8 FirstFirst 12345678 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. My regrets...
    By Jay Pea in forum New Member Introductions
    Replies: 53
    Last Post: 31st May 2013, 10:57 AM
  2. Cruise says he regrets 'glib' outburst on 'Today'
    By Wisened One in forum Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes
    Replies: 65
    Last Post: 10th December 2012, 03:09 AM
  3. No . . . well, very few regrets.
    By Olauren81 in forum New Member Introductions
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: 24th October 2011, 07:21 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •