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Thread: Memory loss and other strange phenomena

  1. #21
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    Default Re: Memory loss and other strange phenomena

    Quote Originally Posted by EZ Linus View Post
    Many disassociative disorders can come from PTSD, especially after being in a cult as harmful as Scientology. It's taken me almost as much time out as I was in, to recover. I'm not as messed up as I was, but I remember in the beginning having some of the symptoms you are describing. A ton of paranoia -- I will definitely admit. It manifests in all kinds of ways, but there it is. Anxiety on top of anxiety. You blow things out of proportion in your mind, it is a living hell sometimes. You don't even want to know what kinds of things I thought.

    Someone here said something that should ease your mind -- that it is very unusual, in fact, I say it is highly unlikely you are a paranoid schizophrenic. Especially in males, they are diagnosed very young, like in their teens. Thinking that other people are putting thoughts in ones head in the way a schizophrenic does would have been happening for a long time a long time ago. Don't worry about that. Trust me, I have known real schizophrenics. In my teens, my first love was diagnosed in the middle of our three year relationship.

    You're traumatized. That's what this is. Even if you think you're not traumatized, your body and mind are behaving, and playing life out, as if you are. It's very simple. This happens with people who have been in combat, victims of rape, abuse, violence, even people that have had organic loss that is profound in the context of their lives. Trauma is relevant. Women who have gone through sexual abuse will feel trauma in their bodies, whether they want to or not. Soldiers with missing limbs will have phantom pain because your body feels trauma. Your mind is no different.

    Start reading up on complex-PTSD. And if you want to know what happened to you, you might want to look into some of the psychology books on mind control, behavior manipulation, etc. (Dr. Margaret Singer). Robert J. Lifton wrote up some criteria on what makes a dangerous group. What signs to look for and/or what can start stripping you from your critical thinking skills. Learning about all that helped me to heal.
    I really appreciate your comments Linus. Really. You know, I FEEL traumatised. But I don't know why. It's twenty-odd years since I was in the cult, and two decades since I was declared. I have functioned well since (well, it took me a good few years to recover, but after that I have had an outwardly very successful life), but somehow I do feel "tampered with". The funny thing is, when I dream in my sleep, the period from leaving the cult to now is completely missing. Dreams always seem to come from memories before or during being 'in'. I'm definitely gonna do some reading. I'll start with the book that Mimsey recommended, and take it from there....

    W.

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  3. #22
    Gold Meritorious Patron Knows's Avatar
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    Default Re: Memory loss and other strange phenomena

    Yes - in fact, it is so common - Scientology has built a "protection for Scientology against any lawsuit" clause in their contracts they cleverly lie to you about - so you sign BEFORE each and every service. Something too about "if you lose skills and abilities" you won't sue Scientology etc...

    I know one Oat Tea who completely had amnesia after going Clear. He went Oat Tea Ate and is a robot - if I ever met one. A complete dweeb with no personality at all. Amazing I stayed in 'going clear' after meeting that guy.

    They told him it was his "case" but he had completely lost HIS identity and literally believed the implants Scientology drilled in him...

    "I now know who I am NOT and am ready to find out who I am" or something along those lines..

    I, myself - could not make any decisions when I got out.

    I realized, after studying about mind control and Complex Trauma - that I had lost my identity along with all of the skills and abilities I once had. I went quickly up the Bridge to Total Cult Identity and no Spritual Anything.....

    I have gained them back and have more strengths now - because of my experience in Scientology - but I had to work hard at deprogramming the cult identity and using meditation to gain control of my mind.

    Don't use the loaded language or think in it - step 1

    Educated yourself on mind control and cult tactics to rob you of your identity WITH your agreement

    Study on hypnosis and how Scientology uses repetitive commands to get you to comply - "Get up the Bridge" "Go Clear" "Move up in Status"
    etc....

    There is a way out of the hell hole but you have to work just as hard getting out of the quagmire of mind fuck as you did - getting in.

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  5. #23
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    Default Re: Memory loss and other strange phenomena

    I experienced noticeable memory loss due to trauma related to scientology and events that took place when I left (ten years ago). I was unaware of this until one day I was with someone I had known several decades prior. He started talking about "our relationship". I thought he was joking or had me mixed up with someone else. Turns out I was wrong. Also around that time a family member started talking about a wonderful family gathering and how much I'd enjoyed it, etc. I just looked at her blankly. I had zero memories of this family gathering.

    A couple of other significant memory-related things happened around this time which were very disconcerting. I won’t get into them here (too involved to explain) but I had to face there was something very wrong and sought medical advice. Under medical advice I had my brain scanned to check if there was anything physically wrong though my doctor thought it was trauma related. My brain scan came back normal. One perfectly intact brain.

    The amnesia was very distressing. How much didn’t I remember about my life? Would my memories come back? I felt ripped off, a person with a shredded memory, a part person. I began to read up everything I could about trauma. I talked to doctors about what to expect. I’d look at old photos, see myself in them, but be looking at a stranger in a non-recognisable setting. I’d know I’d been to such-in-such a place but have zero connection with that event – or memories. This is very hard to explain. Trauma and memory loss are. I cannot tell you about my memory loss. It doesn’t exist to me because I just have skeleton outlines of some things and nothing for others. And I do not know “how much memory loss I have” so it is futile to think in those terms.

    Trauma is not, imo, well understood. We tend to associate it with big events that can be well documented and placed in files (e.g. war. rape, etc.). Not so. There has been a lot of research on this subject in the past ten or so years. Trauma is a subject which, imo, all former members of high-control groups should attempt to get a decent understanding of. Trauma lodges into the body (who knew) and does not respond well to talk therapies.

    This has been very true for me. I have had a lot of excellent talk therapy with some of the finest therapists. It is now known because of the shifts in the body (cortisol, adrenaline, etc.) that there is a physiological aspect to trauma which also needs to be addressed. You can sit there for years trying to describe the moments of trauma-impact and while this does alleviate things to some degree, until you alter what has happened in the body at a cellular level, the trauma will still get triggered at some later date in life.

    About memory loss:

    I didn't know I had it. I had known there were protective mechanisms in play during high-tension abuse moments. The brain shuts down when you think you are about to die or your primal safety and security are threatened. Oddly you also remember the minutest details. Nothing is working “right” when trauma moments are unfolding. Trauma- related amnesia is confusing. Humans are complex creatures. We all process things differently. We all have different resilience factors. One-size-does-not-fit-all.

    Key subjects for healing and moving forward for me have been:

    Shame. This is a corrosive emotion. Brene Brown has done some excellent research and her books/vids are well worth reading/viewing.

    Resilience. A good subject to have a working knowledge about.

    Emotional intelligence: all I can say is I wish they taught what this is in schools. We talk about intelligence but not emotional intelligence. It takes emotional intelligence to live a healthy balanced life and to have satisfying healthy connections with other humans.

    Trauma: Understanding what it really is and getting schooled on the recent research is important in a world which is bombarding us with hideous soul-destroying crap. Best book I have found on this subject is Bessel Van Der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.

    Self: the big event. Losing avoidance as a means to seek happiness. Losing chasing external ideas, pleasures, etc., to find meaning and purpose in life. Happiness is an inside job. The strongest relationship one has in life needs to be with self. Know thyself, love thyself – words which are bantered around but which mean everything when the shit really hits the fan. Read up on who re-entered the world the best after being in the concentration camps during WWII. Those with strong resilience and a deep faith in self.

    The amnesia mostly no longer bothers me. I have mostly found my peace about having my memory slashed into shreds because of the trauma my association with scientology caused. Having said that there is still a deep sadness about all that happened and the huge life-changing impact it has had on me. I indulge in small pity-parties from time to time to honour that sadness. I refuse to be all stoic nor to "harden the fuck up". It was that type of shutting down emotions that caused the mess in the first place. I allow myself to feel it all. I love being fully human, feeling it all. The trick is to "master" this in ways that are neither over-whelming nor impacting on those in my life that I love, and love me.

    Sometimes old memories come back and I deal with them as they arise. I am just another perfectly imperfect human being.

    Hope this makes some sense and helps, if only a little.
    Last edited by Glenda; 6th July 2017 at 09:32 PM. Reason: paragraph issues

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  7. #24
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    Default Re: Memory loss and other strange phenomena

    Thank you. This is a great post!

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  9. #25
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    Default Re: Memory loss and other strange phenomena

    Quote Originally Posted by strativarius View Post
    In my case there might be some kind of autism at work. I can remember my past car registration numbers and telephone numbers and even though I don't recall ever making a conscious effort to retain it I seem to have always known my 9 character alphanumeric National Insurance number.

    Last year I amused myself one afternoon by learning how to solve quadratic equations (how sad is that?) I scoured the net for examples to solve (making them up myself would be cheating) and must have done hundreds of them. I'm buggered if I can remember how to do it now and it's not really that difficult.

    Strad, do you have a job? It's a serious question.

    I mean when you have to focus you will, but if you don't have to you won't. It's kind of reminding me of a friend who retired (at 66 years old) last year and he claims to be losing his faculties but personally I'm not convinced.
    I think he's spending too much time not doing anything focused after leaving a high powered job in the banking sector.

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  11. #26
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    Default Re: Memory loss and other strange phenomena

    Quote Originally Posted by Lord Xenu View Post

    Strad, do you have a job? It's a serious question.

    I mean when you have to focus you will, but if you don't have to you won't. It's kind of reminding me of a friend who retired (at 66 years old) last year and he claims to be losing his faculties but personally I'm not convinced.
    I think he's spending too much time not doing anything focused after leaving a high powered job in the banking sector.
    If you mean do I get up in the morning and go off to an office or some such, then the answer is no, although I'd like to be able to do more than I do at present.

    I'm not 'losing my faculties' exactly, (although these days keeping up with political discussions on tv has become a trifle more difficult) my problem is retaining stuff I've heard and read for any length of time. This isn't a recent development, I've always had an appalling memory and have simply learned to live with it.

    I make a special effort to remain mentally active (see my comment about equations). I read avidly and find myself having to write computer software for my website from time to time which I really enjoy doing.

    Thanks for asking.
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  13. #27
    BT-free since 2003! EZ Linus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Memory loss and other strange phenomena

    Lord Xenu and Strat, does your friend or -- do you, "Strat," happen to play a musical instrument?

    http://ed.ted.com/lessons/how-playin...-anita-collins

    This very short explanation of how my mind has better memory function than people that just listen to music made me feel a little bit better after I got saw my MRI results on Tuesday, which were't the greatest.

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  15. #28
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    Default Re: Memory loss and other strange phenomena

    Quote Originally Posted by EZ Linus View Post
    Lord Xenu and Strat, does your friend or -- do you, "Strat," happen to play a musical instrument?

    http://ed.ted.com/lessons/how-playin...-anita-collins

    This very short explanation of how my mind has better memory function than people that just listen to music made me feel a little bit better after I got saw my MRI results on Tuesday, which were't the greatest.
    Well, at one stage in my life I did earn a living playing keyboard instruments as a matter of fact. I haven't watched the vid but I think I get the gist of it. Hasn't helped me much although I play my guitar (a strat of course) practically every day and write a bit of music on my computer from time to time.

    Dunno if it's got much to do with this thread, but the activity that had the most profound effect on my thought-processes has to be computer programming. You develop this sharply-focussed attention to detail that has helped me in all sorts of ways. Not my memory though. :(
    Last edited by strativarius; 7th July 2017 at 11:19 PM.
    To err is human, to purr is feline - Alexander Pope

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  17. #29
    BT-free since 2003! EZ Linus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Memory loss and other strange phenomena

    I made my living as a musician as well. I thought the link had a lot to do with the thread because it talks about the science of memory function. It eased my mind since I've had cognitive issues and worry I am a candidate for the awful things that run in my family, plus my MRI showed that I should already be having correlating symptoms. However, the video made me feel a bit better, like perhaps exercising those muscles in the brain can improve cognitive function. But what do I know?

    I also agree about computer programming. It does something for the brain, maybe a combo of left and right activity. I'm sure there are studies on it.

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  19. #30
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    Default Re: Memory loss and other strange phenomena

    Quote Originally Posted by EZ Linus View Post
    I made my living as a musician as well. I thought the link had a lot to do with the thread because it talks about the science of memory function. It eased my mind since I've had cognitive issues and worry I am a candidate for the awful things that run in my family, plus my MRI showed that I should already be having correlating symptoms. However, the video made me feel a bit better, like perhaps exercising those muscles in the brain can improve cognitive function. But what do I know?

    I also agree about computer programming. It does something for the brain, maybe a combo of left and right activity. I'm sure there are studies on it.
    Memory losses happen to me several times during the day. I was making a Shrimp and Asparagus Penne dish for lunch today, There were 10 minutes cooking time to go , so I went outside to pull a few weeds while I waited.
    20 minutes later when I went into the kitchen,lunch was burned.
    phenomanon

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