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Thread: My Mind is Mine

  1. #1
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    Default My Mind is Mine

    Hi, I am back. Along with flies and liars, moving has to be amongst the worst things in life.

    I do not remember exactly what I was talking about the last time I posted...oh yes, I just mentioned a few things about how I felt.I was thinking about writing a short story but I can not yet give too much information about myself. Most of you will of course know why(friends still inside);nonetheless, I will babble some more about a few things which royally annoyed("annoyed" is not quit strong enough a word to describe the feeling) me while inside.

    I believe that when one thinks back to the time one spent on staff,either Sea Org , Class V Org. or Mission,one remembers it as a period of heavy production,long days/nights,constant stress to accomplish the im-fucking-possible! Finally going to bed and trying to fall asleep for the few miserable hours left in that day, but being unable to do so because one was still on post, if only in ones mind (that superior mind of a Homo Novis or OT). Those 20 hours,on post, were just not enough,no! One still felt guilty for not having carried out THAT ORDER or getting out enough of those products! I would think to myself sometimes,"Oh boy, am I a 'DB?'" I would sit or pace back and forth and say in my mind,"I got it,I'll listen to 'A Message to Garcia' again." "No,no I should read 'Responsibilities of a Leader!' That's it," I would read that or think of dozens of other such references that,I thought, pertained to the situation.I would of course pull out a "Product Debug Form" or tell myself, "Go to 'Cramming' or write 'OWs',of course, I should have thought of that before! LRH has the answer,he always does. Damn, here I am surrounded by such wealth of knowledge and I can't even get my 'stats up.' Wait a minute, I don't have enough time, it's that DREADFUL DAY! Let me just get on the phone!" Oh the shame,the blame the regret; poor me! I can still see that clock on the wall,it's Thursday at 1400 and my 'stats' are down! "Yes,no doubt, I am a DB!"

    People who have not been in Scientology do not know this world! Even those Scientologist who were not on staff know quit well the pressure,yes I was public for a few years and decided that it was,well, almost as bad as being on staff!

    I thought to myself many times,while being an indentured servant under contract," Will it ever change,will I ever be able to sleep or will that PRESSURE ever subside?" Along with,"You are a pussy, a weak humanoid, God damn it, you're a Scientologist,THE WORLD NEEDS US,stop winning, make it happen!" I would rather be burned alive in a river of lava than to have to listen to that horrendous cliche,"Make it go right,"ever again!.You see,the indoctrination was absolute,what had been inculcated into our psyches was firmly set in place. These idiots didn't need ethics officers. Those of us who did care, which included the majority of parishioners, because we believed in the purpose and also believed that all parties involved (the dwarf and co.) in playing the game were on the same court, did not need orders. We gave it all we had,well,at least most of the times and when we didn't,we would beat the shit out of ourselves. It is rigged so that you cause most of that mental torture and damage to yourself,so that you become your worst,most cruel and intolerable guard.That all members create a self imposed mental and spiritual prison is the product.This is a money making corporate monstrosity,that's all it is. We know first hand what it means to live in an oppressively inhuman dictatorship. We were oppressed but some of us, did a bit of it ourselves. I can honestly say that there were times when I fought back and attempted to do the right thing,which usually meant going against the stream. At those moments I felt proud though these occurrences were few and far between, most of the time I,pathetically, just gave in to the groups demands and thus became the oppressor.

    Who else, except you my friends, would understand that world? That never ending day, that constant knot in the pit of ones stomach and that,mea-culpa-mea culpa,bang your fist to the chest- degraded sense,which became so much a part of our mental makeup, when things did not go quit right. But what I just mentioned wasn't really that bad. This was coupled with those moments of action when the adrenaline flowed and your imagination soared,one was able to do the impossible sometimes and then you felt like a god! What a marvelous trap. I can truly appreciate this as a unique learning experience--in a morbid sort of way.

    No, the worst things were those wasted hours of doing useless admin; writing letters(letters to nowhere),unless you were an Exec.. Although being an Exec was similar to being doomed to a "no life" yet, if it meant not writing letters....Damn, it was almost worth it! Working on graphs, battle plans,reading those Policies or Bulletins,for the hundredth time, or the new Executive Directive or Programs etc.,etc. ALL THOSE STUDY ORDERS! I don't know about you but I always felt a little guilty for not always being "enthusiastic" about this sort of thing; especially, when it was 0100 or later at night and you had to do THOSE STUDY ORDERS!

    I said the above was the worst, well, actually it wasn't. The worst thing(excluding staff pay and their "kind" treatment plus the one-hundred other malevolent things) was having to work on holidays.Those mother-fucking-sons-of bitches....! Why can't they close the damn place for one day. As if anything was actually produced on a day when most everyone is with family and friends. Can someone tell me if he/she ever saw an Org. that was full of "public" on a holiday? The only individuals attending course were those lifeless nerds who had no friends or family anyway. You know the type,20 or so years in Scientology and crazier then Tommy C. I shouldn't be mean or critical but after twenty some years of being a "superior being,"it's hard to do. Hey,was that enough "natter" for one day? I think so. Boy, I hate people that wine and complain,don't you?


    Love, Telepathetic


    A broad margin of leisure is as beautiful in a man's life as in a book. Haste makes waste, no less in life than in housekeeping. Keep the time, observe the hours of the universe, not of the cars.

    Henry David Thoreaue

  2. #2
    Shiny Free Crusader Free to shine's Avatar
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    I love your writing! You so exactly put into words all those feelings...more please! :D
    Forget regret or life is yours to miss. No other path, no other way, no day but today. Jonathan Larson


    My Story: - Sydney, Melbourne, Saint Hill - Becoming Free to Shine...

  3. #3
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    welcome Telepathetic

    Wow, sounds like you were in a real pressure cooker. Good to to see you let off some steam.

    Enjoy your new abode.

    I would like to read more, but of course at your leisure.

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    Keep going, Telepathetic...we're with ya dude...DAMN, are WE ever WITH ya!
    Last edited by Wisened One; 6th October 2008 at 04:06 AM.
    The night I escaped Staff:
    http://www.forum.exscn.net/showpost....2&postcount=33

    I get really tired of hearing about how the lower bridge has value. The lower bridge has the sole purpose of getting the PC to reach for more bridge. The fact that many people improved their circumstances as a result of a good intentioned auditor being interested and caring about his PC is not worth the long term and intended result of Scientology technology. GT

  5. #5
    Gold Meritorious Patron HappyGirl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Telepathetic View Post
    Hi, I am back.
    Yay!

    I was public for a few years and decided that it was,well, almost as bad as being on staff!
    Yep!

    I would rather be burned alive in a river of lava than to have to listen to that horrendous cliche,"Make it go right,"ever again!.
    YES!!!

    It is rigged so that you cause most of that mental torture and damage to yourself,so that you become your worst,most cruel and intolerable guard.
    YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!

    I can truly appreciate this as a unique learning experience--in a morbid sort of way.
    Hahaha!! So true.

    I hate people that wine and complain,don't you?
    Yes, I do. Keep it up, please!!
    My, Telepathic, you have a way with words. It's like you're telepathic!!


    Bravo! (Brava?) More!

    HG

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    You've nailed it perfectly and beautifully - I've been there and done that over and over and over. Yesterday we went to a lake and I stood looking at the beauty of it all and realized I was in present time enjoying life rather than wondering what was happening at "the job." It's the first time since I joined the Co$ that that's happened. Can I attest to something now? Just kidding folks. More please!!! Written beautifully.

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    Thank you, Happy,Free, Wise, Stan and Dcho....Thank you for your nice comments. Y'all are lucky I am writing this and we're not talking in person, otherwise I think your ears would fall off from all my babbling.

    Love,Telepathetic

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    Quote Originally Posted by Telepathetic View Post
    Thank you, Happy,Free, Wise, Stan and Dcho....Thank you for your nice comments. Y'all are lucky I am writing this and we're not talking in person, otherwise I think your ears would fall off from all my babbling.

    Love,Telepathetic
    You're not babbling, your writing is excellent, very clear and conscise and portrays the situation to perfection. Thank you for posting, and I agree, moving is the most stressful thing in life. There was a survey done some time back and apparently the number one stress factor is death, then divorce, then moving house, in that order. I have to move house AND country soon, and I'm dreading it. This will be the fifth time in my life I have moved country, it's hell, pure hell, and I notice that each time I do it I have less and less material things cos it's just too much hassle to lug around. Some day I may just end up with one ruck sack! ...

    Anyway thanks for that and I look forward to reading more from you.
    "Who looks outside dreams; who looks inside, awakes" C.G. Jung
    "Anonymous are the angels of our time". Me

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    One has to put things into perspective regarding any experience,or maybe not-what the hell do I know. But the reason I say this,is because relative to the suffering of others around the world our suffering was minimal.Compared to-- bombs falling on people's neighbourhoods,bullets flying around and having one's home broken into by a foreign occupational army-- our experience was like a girl scout outing!

    I for one do not believe anymore that negative experiences necessarily make you stronger or wiser but they sure supply you with lots of fodder to write or talk about! By the same token,I do not think that our traumatic past has to make us less able either.That inventory of experiences when untangled and reviewed can lead one to a better understanding of the world and your fellow men, if one can just give oneself the time to analyze it in a detached way.One should also give oneself a pat on the back from time to time. Yes, I am trying to like myself again. It's hard work but at least I don't have a group of fanatics on my back 24 hours a day screaming otherwise when I fail to perform. I now have a group of SPs on this board who understand me and I, understand them. Be careful who you wish harm to in the future,they might just turn up here!

    So that "mind" which Hubbard so painstakingly described to us. That "mind" he made so very,very solidly real to us, that "mind" which he called by so many names and which,after spending all that time and money,you found out was simply CREATED BY YOU, does not have to exist at all for you or me anymore! Am I being too didactic here,tell me to shut the fuck up, please! All kidding aside,the reason I mention this is because I have friends who still worry about their "cases." I still see them trapped by their former belief system and it upsets me. I delivered Dianetics auditing and obtained great results, sometimes. I am open to anything that works but I refuse to limit my search. I have come to the conclusion that "standard tech" is a delusion."Standard tech"was "standard tech" when whoever was in charge at that time said it was "standard tech.". It's funny but-- that little voice from my past is there and still whispers to me.... It's a little more soft spoken now and not as arrogant or demanding anymore. I guess the spell is wearing off,little by little. I hope it does so for you also.

    Again thanks for listening and I hope I do not come across as a "know best." These are my views (obviously) and my intent is to relive any suffering if possible from those, recently out/free. who might be turning blue,gasping for air under the strangle hold of this group's ideas of what a "perfect" mind, a "perfect" human being or a "perfect" world should be like. Stand boldly,head held high spread your feet shoulders wide,unzip your pants,pull it out and PISS ON IT ALL! Ladies, you should perform this as best you can. Sorry for being a bit crude.
    Last edited by Telepathetic; 6th October 2008 at 02:43 PM.

  10. #10
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    Pixie, thanks for your kind words.

    I feel for you! Moving from one city or neighbourhood to another is bad enough but moving to another country...! As far as not having too many things to lug around,well,maybe, that could be a good thing. Now you can buy new stuff!

    Love, Telepathetic

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