Hi, I am back. Along with flies and liars, moving has to be amongst the worst things in life.
I do not remember exactly what I was talking about the last time I posted...oh yes, I just mentioned a few things about how I felt.I was thinking about writing a short story but I can not yet give too much information about myself. Most of you will of course know why(friends still inside);nonetheless, I will babble some more about a few things which royally annoyed("annoyed" is not quit strong enough a word to describe the feeling) me while inside.
I believe that when one thinks back to the time one spent on staff,either Sea Org , Class V Org. or Mission,one remembers it as a period of heavy production,long days/nights,constant stress to accomplish the im-fucking-possible! Finally going to bed and trying to fall asleep for the few miserable hours left in that day, but being unable to do so because one was still on post, if only in ones mind (that superior mind of a Homo Novis or OT). Those 20 hours,on post, were just not enough,no! One still felt guilty for not having carried out THAT ORDER or getting out enough of those products! I would think to myself sometimes,"Oh boy, am I a 'DB?'" I would sit or pace back and forth and say in my mind,"I got it,I'll listen to 'A Message to Garcia' again." "No,no I should read 'Responsibilities of a Leader!' That's it," I would read that or think of dozens of other such references that,I thought, pertained to the situation.I would of course pull out a "Product Debug Form" or tell myself, "Go to 'Cramming' or write 'OWs',of course, I should have thought of that before! LRH has the answer,he always does. Damn, here I am surrounded by such wealth of knowledge and I can't even get my 'stats up.' Wait a minute, I don't have enough time, it's that DREADFUL DAY! Let me just get on the phone!" Oh the shame,the blame the regret; poor me! I can still see that clock on the wall,it's Thursday at 1400 and my 'stats' are down! "Yes,no doubt, I am a DB!"
People who have not been in Scientology do not know this world! Even those Scientologist who were not on staff know quit well the pressure,yes I was public for a few years and decided that it was,well, almost as bad as being on staff!
I thought to myself many times,while being an indentured servant under contract," Will it ever change,will I ever be able to sleep or will that PRESSURE ever subside?" Along with,"You are a pussy, a weak humanoid, God damn it, you're a Scientologist,THE WORLD NEEDS US,stop winning, make it happen!" I would rather be burned alive in a river of lava than to have to listen to that horrendous cliche,"Make it go right,"ever again!.You see,the indoctrination was absolute,what had been inculcated into our psyches was firmly set in place. These idiots didn't need ethics officers. Those of us who did care, which included the majority of parishioners, because we believed in the purpose and also believed that all parties involved (the dwarf and co.) in playing the game were on the same court, did not need orders. We gave it all we had,well,at least most of the times and when we didn't,we would beat the shit out of ourselves. It is rigged so that you cause most of that mental torture and damage to yourself,so that you become your worst,most cruel and intolerable guard.That all members create a self imposed mental and spiritual prison is the product.This is a money making corporate monstrosity,that's all it is. We know first hand what it means to live in an oppressively inhuman dictatorship. We were oppressed but some of us, did a bit of it ourselves. I can honestly say that there were times when I fought back and attempted to do the right thing,which usually meant going against the stream. At those moments I felt proud though these occurrences were few and far between, most of the time I,pathetically, just gave in to the groups demands and thus became the oppressor.
Who else, except you my friends, would understand that world? That never ending day, that constant knot in the pit of ones stomach and that,mea-culpa-mea culpa,bang your fist to the chest- degraded sense,which became so much a part of our mental makeup, when things did not go quit right. But what I just mentioned wasn't really that bad. This was coupled with those moments of action when the adrenaline flowed and your imagination soared,one was able to do the impossible sometimes and then you felt like a god! What a marvelous trap. I can truly appreciate this as a unique learning experience--in a morbid sort of way.
No, the worst things were those wasted hours of doing useless admin; writing letters(letters to nowhere),unless you were an Exec.. Although being an Exec was similar to being doomed to a "no life" yet, if it meant not writing letters....Damn, it was almost worth it! Working on graphs, battle plans,reading those Policies or Bulletins,for the hundredth time, or the new Executive Directive or Programs etc.,etc. ALL THOSE STUDY ORDERS! I don't know about you but I always felt a little guilty for not always being "enthusiastic" about this sort of thing; especially, when it was 0100 or later at night and you had to do THOSE STUDY ORDERS!
I said the above was the worst, well, actually it wasn't. The worst thing(excluding staff pay and their "kind" treatment plus the one-hundred other malevolent things) was having to work on holidays.Those mother-fucking-sons-of bitches....! Why can't they close the damn place for one day. As if anything was actually produced on a day when most everyone is with family and friends. Can someone tell me if he/she ever saw an Org. that was full of "public" on a holiday? The only individuals attending course were those lifeless nerds who had no friends or family anyway. You know the type,20 or so years in Scientology and crazier then Tommy C. I shouldn't be mean or critical but after twenty some years of being a "superior being,"it's hard to do. Hey,was that enough "natter" for one day? I think so. Boy, I hate people that wine and complain,don't you?
A broad margin of leisure is as beautiful in a man's life as in a book. Haste makes waste, no less in life than in housekeeping. Keep the time, observe the hours of the universe, not of the cars.
Henry David Thoreaue