Cannot reach escape velocity

Discussion in 'New Member Introductions' started by Stratospheric, Dec 5, 2011.

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  1. Stratospheric

    Stratospheric New Member

    Hello everyone here, whoever you are and for whatever reason you are here...

    I have just signed up...

    I was born into Scientology in 1964 and have lived and breathed it's philosophy all my life.

    I know that the technology that I have grown up with works, for me and for my wife and my children. I have seen it's benefits... I have no doubt that study tech works and will continue to use it so long as it does... Same with contact assists and touch assists.

    I have audited book 1 and reached the state of clear myself. I am happy with what I have done in that respect. I am much happier with the results that I have had on others as I seem to thrive on seeing others improve and do well... It is true, I love to help others.

    I have recently managed to look a little wider than I have been for most of my life, to sit back and take a look at things in my life as they are, not as I want them to be... It may be a mid-life crisis (Although I have not bought a Harley... Yet).

    So, here I am, doing something that I never thought I would... If you had asked me 6 months ago, I would have given you the rock solid and arrogant answers that have been instilled in me since the moment I managed to make my way into the world.

    But here I am on this forum, suddenly understanding what my "ex-Scientology" friends, acquaintances and colleagues are saying... Perhaps I am just a little slow...

    Not sure if anything specific happened really, just me pulling my own head out of the sand and having a look around me...

    I am overwhelmed.

    I have cried a lot... Pathetic as it may be, however, I cried for those things that I did not do because I had felt constrained by the bonds of my "agreements". False bonds as it now turns out.

    I have realised that the people who are dear to me, the people who are really good to me, the people who I really, really love... The people who I trust and care for, well...

    ...A bit of a revelation to me really... They are all either ex-Scientologists, Scientologists in bad standing, whether official or unofficial or have never been Scientologists!... It was something that I had refused to confront... And now I have.

    My stable datum kind of shattered now and I hang here, with the winds of space around me. Well vapourised would be more accurate.

    I am having great difficulty even writing this. This is not a phrase. I am really struggling.

    I am having great difficulty with this, full stop (or period if you are a septic).

    Yet these ex-Scientologists, Scientologists in bad standing and those who have never been Scientologists are my friends. They support me, help me and make me laugh! They are the people that I want to be with, who I really do love.

    Am I a traitor to my group? Am I ? or am I a free being who has reached a point in my own journey of existence where I have outgrown this subject in its current form...

    I do not hate the people who are in the Organisation - Far from it... They are mainly well-intentioned and very caring people - They really are. I have known them all my life, and I really do know this to be true. So I cannot turn on them or hurt them because it would be like turning on children. They are like children who seem to know nothing of real life, either past or present... I feel for them. They are not the enemy. I do not want to see them hurt in any way, believe me.

    I am re-reading and re-writing this as I go, I don't even know if this makes sense any more. Am I rambling of on one? Can anyone understand me?

    God. I was so certain, so very, very certain that this organisation was the answer and that they would uphold the true principles of the subject. I suppose I still am certain when it comes to the actual technology.

    But I am struggling, really struggling with what I am seeing with the Organisation, what I am finding out has happened to others who also grew up in Scientology, those others who were my friends, who I loved so very dearly and who I have been estranged from for decades...

    Who I have since discovered were hurt both psychologically as well as sexually and physically injured and abused... I have cried like a child, believe me, when this kind of thing is revealed, it hurts so deeply and on so many levels. Yet the pain that I feel is selfish, it is nothing compared to the pain my friends suffered.

    Why wasn't I subjected to the same ordeal? Why couldn't I have taken some of the pain for them? I am having difficulty with this, as I keep saying...

    As I have grown up, I have had my own things to deal with, but I wonder if I let my old friends down by being so naive, so blinkered and blinded. Did I see what was happening but ignore it as it "couldn't be happening". Or was I just lucky? I don't know any more... I just don't!

    My friends who lived at Stonelands, I loved them, thought we would never be apart... God... If I had known what they were enduring... If only I had known! I would have tried to do something to help. I am so sorry.

    I am not in a pit of despair, in fact I am Stratospheric about how I feel, about my own release and renewed feeling of freedom.

    But I cannot reach escape velocity yet. I cannot face telling anyone here who I am, I still fear retribution for certain people who I love and hold dear and who are still very much "in".

    I want to help my friends who are in and out, to ease their pain and make sure that they are recovering and are OK... But until then, all I can do is that, to repair as much as I can... To try and right any wrongs...

    I do not know if I will be accepted here. I have tried for 30 years to become accepted outside the Church, and although considered a little eccentric, believe that I have been... Sort of.

    One thing that I have learned, in my short and varied existence in this life, is that hurting others rarely helps. I have no animosity towards the people in the Organisation and management of the Church, other than those who appear to be changing it into a bog standard model of any past church, as has been seen throughout history...

    That is not what I bought into.

    So far as I am concerned, one drop of decency and love will calm an ocean of hatred... and so I advocate decency and love... Friendship and a helping hand... ex-communication, hatred and segregation is not the way forward.

    Not sure what else to say other than we are all part of a single entity, we are life!

    What each of us does affects everyone else to some degree, so try to do good things, rather than bad things... follow your own nose!

    I hope that I can help here, even if just a little...
  2. Dulloldfart

    Dulloldfart Squirrel Extraordinaire

    Hi there and welcome. :)

    I was at Stonelands between 1972 and 1979, when I moved to Bullards.

  3. scooter

    scooter Gold Meritorious Patron

    :welcome: - I'm more than happy to accept you here! :biggrin:

    Forget looking at your own mistakes for now, just learn as much as you can about the "Dark Side" of $cientology - read our stories, look at the media reports, lurk as much as you can. Get educated.:coolwink:

    Hating those "still in" isn't a part of this board. Never has been. :no:

    We were (mostly) once "in" ourselves.

    Go for walks if you need to. :yes:

    Read this and it may help you:

    Above all, originate. Send PMs (private messages) to those you'd like to chat to and see if they respond. Not all will, but you'll soon have plenty of friends talking to you.

    Welcome to Rock Bottom. :omg:

    Most of us hit there on our way out. It does just get better and better from here so enjoy the ride.:happydance:
  4. greebly

    greebly Patron with Honors

    Welcome Strat,

    I really do hope you can help in some way.

    Keep reading.
  5. Natalie

    Natalie Patron with Honors

    Welcome! Leaving sure does seem to be a process that takes as long as it takes for each of us. :clap:
  6. Welcome, Strato...I'm glad that you joined us here. Good for you for "waking up" and taking a good hard look around you. Most here have also done that, and reformed their lives and their thinking about COS. :thumbsup: It's a nice mix of people here. Many of us also have friends and family still in, or on the fence, so we understand what you are going through.

    Good for you for opening up your view of life, and for not being afraid to learn the truth, even when it is difficult. :clap:

    You are not doing anything evil or wrong or hurting your former group by being in comm with us here. That's pretty much black pr put out by COS. Welcome! :)

    Take your time to read other people's stories and read around on some of the threads here. I think gaining this new knowledge might make you feel stressed and bad at first, but then you will feel so much better when you finally gain liftoff to mental and emotional freedom.

    You've already made a very good start. Welcome! :)
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2011
  7. rich

    rich Banned

  8. Panda Termint

    Panda Termint Cabal Of One

    Welcome to ESMB, Stratospheric.

    I understand what you're saying. Things will work out if you just keep looking.

    If you're looking from the scientological mindset simply examine the actual Intentions, Activities and Statistcs of the CofS, brushing aside bias and rumour (and PR). Review Column Y (Method Used By Subject To Handle Others) of Science of Survival. You'll see how these Intentions and Activities are enacted and to what ends.

    Telling a scientologist "the Tech doesn't work", doesn't work! (Most scientologists know/believe otherwise.) :)
  9. Jachs

    Jachs Gold Meritorious Patron

    Welcome Stratospheric,

    Definitely NOT a traitor.

    Go easy on yourself.. buy the Harley

    Don't beat yourself up.
  10. looker

    looker Patron Meritorious

    Welcome Stratospheric,

    There are a bunch of really good fun people here as you know if you have been lurking much.

    When I first came to ESMB I almost felt like I was doing something wrong, But I wanted to make sense of what the Scientology experience was. I missed hanging out after course on a Friday night at Dennys drinking coffee and discussing till 1 AM.

    I first started reading the FCDC (Founding Church District of Columbia) thread and was soon laughing my arse off. At my pace it took 2 weeks to read it all but I found these Ol time Scientology staffers were in the Plutosphere. :hysterical: Here's a link

    I say ol timers I was "IN" in 1968 as a Senior in HS. lol so I know some of the famous and legendary names of which they speak.

    The other thread that Really answered lots of tech development history questions for me was Allan Walters thread Opening Pandora's box, part 1 and 2.
    heres a link's

    Have fun There is tons to read. Expect yer tone will travel the scale and yer TA will move a lot. it may take a while, but you'll do fine:)
  11. lotus

    lotus autonomous rebellous

    Hi Stratospheric

    First, welcome on the board
    You might encounter some of your old friends here - never know!

    I understand, as many, what you are expressing, expecially for the contradiction about emotions and the struggling with the situation.

    Keep enjoying with peole you love and who loves you - no matter their relation to the Church.

    Please feel free to write as much as you wish.
    hope you'll find good stuff and people here.
  12. Arthur Dent

    Arthur Dent Silver Meritorious Patron

    Hi Strat!
    Wow, you've made quite an intro. In a few months you will feel entirely different, I can guarantee that! My advise is to just take a deep breathe. You are among like-minded friends. I can understand your "survival guilt." Please understand that it is not your fault. (Contrary to the cult having you believe there are no such things as victims, you, too, have been duped.) It has been my experience that most things I've inspected that the cult would have you believe were for their own best interest and convenience and control. You be the judge.

    The tech...there are threads that discuss this. You will ultimately come to your own conclusions. There are many things taught that work. In the big scheme of things, some things work and some can be replaced by broader data available. And some just isn't necessary. Just peel the onion and see what you see.
    One of my favorite reads was 'What is expected of you as a life long scientologist'. You can google or search for it on ESMB.

    Escape like steam from a kettle...a little at a time. Take it easy and after you stay glued to everything possible you can read for awhile, just start living. Start enjoying your free mind, lack of controls. Answer or don't answer your phone! One step at a time. Trust me, in a few months, you'll feel a lot different.

    There are many helpful people here and many valuable threads. Glad you're here! :yes:
  13. FoTi

    FoTi Crusader

    Welcome Stratospheric.

    Glad you decided to join us.

    There is much to learn from all the information that has been posted on ESMB.

    And you do have the freedom here to speak your mind and make up your own mind about things without being sent to ethics or having to get sec checks.
  14. GreyWolf

    GreyWolf Gold Meritorious Patron

    Welcome. You are in the right place. Read some peoples stories and learn. Then you can carry on!
  15. Student of Trinity

    Student of Trinity Silver Meritorious Patron


    It sounds as though you will be interested in dealing more with non-Scientologists, no matter what you personally continue to believe or practice. A few of us here have had no involvement with Scientology, and are just here out of interest. As one of those I think I can confirm from the other side that, yes, growing up in Scientology is a pretty different experience from growing up outside it. A lot of things you take for granted may be missing from most people's backgrounds, and vice versa. Some of the most basic changes of perspective may be the last to get noticed. Shifting even just part of your life into 'wog' territory may be a bit like moving to a foreign country, where they speak a different language.

    One of the biggest differences, of course, is that non-Scientologists tend to be skeptical of Scientology 'technology'. Having even 'the tech' itself open to question — all of it — may be one of the biggest differences you encounter. But even though I consider myself one of the most critical of skeptics, I would like to offer the basic reassurance that learning the truth can never change anything real.

    Whatever you've experienced, you've experienced. If it was real, it won't go away, no matter how much you question, and whether you doubt or believe. Anything good that happened to you in Scientology, you won't lose. You might simply come to change how you look at what you've experienced. You might end up giving L. Ron Hubbard less credit for it, and yourself more. That's not so bad, after all. Hubbard's dead. You're alive. Maybe at some point it's time to move on.
  16. Sindy

    Sindy Crusader

    Welcome to ESMB, Stratospheric.
    Come on in and take a seat and relax. You are obviously a good hearted person.
    Get cozy. Glad you're here.

  17. Stat

    Stat Gold Meritorious Patron

    Welcome, Stratospheric!
    We are basically good people! :coolwink:
  18. Petey C

    Petey C Silver Meritorious Patron

    Hi there Strato. IMO, the answer is: you're a free being who's reached a point where you have outgrown the subject. As we all are. It takes guts and balls to confront what you have, and we're proud of you! As others have said, this is a good place to be and you'll learn a lot as you read people's stories. There's a lot to learn about how CoS operates, most of it not that good, but while it will momentarily shake you, ultimately you will be freer once you see how it all works and how we were all conned and dudded. But that doesn't diminish us. As the saying goes, what doesn't kill me makes me strong.
  19. GoNuclear

    GoNuclear Gold Meritorious Patron

    Welcome to your new life. It will feel good to not have all your time taken up and to not have to deal with some redge all the time. It will be like having a huge parasite removed from your back. If you are still serious about wanting to stay in Scientology but are fed up with the official church and all of its abuses, there are lots of independent groups out there. But why not just take a vacation from all of that and enjoy life for awhile.

  20. Infinite

    Infinite Crusader


    Anons don't need much of an excuse to dance, but hey, this is a real occasion so here's one of our favourite tunes:


    Welcome home.

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