How I got kicked out from Sea Org. TWICE!

Discussion in 'Stories From Inside Scientology' started by thefiredragon, Dec 7, 2009.

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  1. thefiredragon

    thefiredragon Patron Meritorious

    I know, this sounds weird. You will think I’m crazy. But here is my story. It’s kind of case-related; I will not use real names.

    I was born in the summer of 1978, in Russia.

    Since I was about five I could remember many details that never happen to me before. My parents always thought I was imagining things. Sometimes I would lay on the roof, stare at the sky, at planes and remembered me flying a plane or fighting in the war, being a slave, traveling, living in other places. When I got older, I began to write books based on my past life experience and give them to my friends for their birthdays (because I was too broke to buy them a real present). My friends used to think I gave them fictional books. In 1995 I heard my aunt talking about Dianetics and I had a weird feeling I have heard this somewhere before.

    Once, taking a bus trip to the city where my parents lived, I got off from the public bus and stopped by bookstore. I felt there was something I needed to buy that was worth wasting a bus ticket. I stood, awestruck, staring at “Dianetics” on the shelf. My heart was hammering. One part of me wanted to run as far as I could, other wanted to get that book no matter what. I realized, did not have enough money.

    I took a 3 hour bus back home; got all my allowance I had saved up and came back to the store. My hands were shaking, almost burning when I held that book. I began reading it on the bus and finished it at home in one seat. Then I went to a Dianetics seminar and in a few weeks I joined staff in our local mission. When I turned 17, our Mission Holder sent me to OTL in Moscow for supervisor training because our supervisor at the mission had blown. I left my part time job and college and off I went. I knew I had to do it. Not because I wanted, I just had to. When I was half done with my supervisor pack, memories from past lives began haunting me again. Each time I would do the check after an O/W write up, my needle was dirty all the time for several months. I had a feeling that I have done something very bad. Not something small, like a murder of a person but something really big, something… against the 4th dynamic .I spent a long time on ethics (several months) writing O/Ws (present life only), working with MEST and stuff like that. I think, I wrote all my O/Ws in this life. I just did not have anything else to write but my needle was still dirty.

    Then a recruiter came and recruited me to the Sea Org. I made a decision when I would be put on the E-meter, to make my needle float just by staying in present time. (I just had finished TRs and it helped me to stay in the present time better.) And it worked, I passed the test!

    I remember the feeling when I came to Clearwater. Believe it or not, I looked around and said to myself, “Finally I’m home”. Everything looked so familiar, I was about to cry. I went onto the EPF and that’s when it all went crazy. I saw her! You know, a little girl about 9 or 10 years old. I ‘m not going to give her full name here, she will just go by J.E. The minute I saw her, I knew who she was. Even though outside she looked just like a copy of her parents (I knew who her parents were, the minute I saw her) I did not care about that. She, I don’t mean her body, was so familiar not in a good way. I was terrified. I just wanted to get up from my seat and run. I tried to finish the EPF as fast as I could. I had a feeling that if she would only able to remember who I was, I would get kicked out of the Sea Org that very second. But she did not pay any attention to me, acting normally, as any little girl should. She did not seem to recognize me at all. “Well, maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m going crazy”. I decided to get busy with work and studies and that would help me not thinking about it.

    When I finally finished the EPF, I thought all my PTSness would be over. But it was not. I could not work. I could not study. Guilt was eating me up. I knew I’ve done something but could not remember exactly what it was. In a few months I was sent to ethics and after a little handling, I have decided to stick with my job and put all that case stuff out of my head for a while. I thought I would try to figure out things in my free time. But the only free time I had is before bed time. I have spent many sleepiness nights trying to sort things out. My life became Hell on earth. I cried every day, hiding from public. Once my senior found me crying and tried to get me in troubles. I never told her what I was crying about.

    I finished my Product-1 courses and began Product-2. I kept my stats up. I did everything I was supposed to do. One day I was cleaning something and there was a strong smell of paint and bleach. That smell brought up so many memories to me, I thought I was going crazy. Names, faces … I was standing near a wall with a picture of the Bridge hanging on it and then it hit me! OT-3! “What the heck was this supposed to mean?” Why do I have “OT-3“ stuck in my head? I looked at the bridge, at the place where OT-3 was and saw “The Wall of Fire” .I felt like I was about to die. My body was shivering. I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time.

    Sudden awareness of what I was looking at hit me and I was not able to study at all that day. I was about to finish my next course but I went home instead. “Was I OT-3? I DID NOT THINK SO” I was not acting very OT-like and my confront level was very low. Then why does The Wall of Fire make me shiver and cry every time I think of it? What is The Wall of Fire anyway?” (In this life I only had a few hours of Book 1 auditing from a couple of students; I did not know too much about the Bridge.) All night I could not sleep. More memories, more faces and names. Next morning I woke up and one part of my body was not able to move. My arm and my leg felt as if they were made of plastic. “Maybe I just had slept too close to the A/C”, I thought, “It‘s not a big deal”. And I went to work anyway. I had a hard time at work and a friend of mine was trying to help me, doing some nerve assists. It helped me a little but I knew, until I was able to figure out what was really going on, I would not be able to have a normal life. My senior sent me home to relax that day.

    Several months passed by. I still could not figure out what was going on with me. I went to one of my Russian friends for advice. I told her a few things that I remembered and she told me that she remembers that we were on the Apollo, painting it. And then it hit me big time! Yes! Apollo! That’s why when I went to the Sea Org museum everything there looked so familiar! I felt so dizzy, and then she asked me, “Why did you blow and go to Russia to a wog family?” I thought about that. At first, I thought maybe I did it to bring my parents to Scientology. But my parents were the “woggiest” wogs there are. Then why would I do that? Really, why?

    I remembered then that I was running away…. I was very confused about life and death. After I had died, I was so much in doubt about what I should do next for a long time. I reckoned that it would take a long time for Scientology to reach Russia. And if I had to go back into Scientology, I wanted to do it when I was an adult, not as a kid. I just wanted to take my body as far away from Florida as ever possible. When my body was born, it was less than 3 pounds but I did not care. Nobody thought I would survive. I thought for a second…. I actually, hoped that Scientology will never reach Russia! This realization made me sick. I was hoping it was false, because if it were true it would put me on the same level as an SP like Hitler and Napoleon.

    I remembered that I had been an auditor. I remembered having screwed up many cases by squirreling and now I was having a great remorse. I was not sure what that remorse was all about: about squirreling or about becoming an auditor. I began to do my job poorly on purpose, just to be sent to ethics and get some handling. MAA did not do anything about it. I also tried to get to Ethics by sitting in Staff College, staring at the Course booklet, not reading and the supervisors did not do anything about it. “What else can I do to get some attention around here?” I thought. I even stole someone’s jacket and then put it back. When security chief asked me about it, I chickened out and said it was a mistake.

    One day, we had a staff meeting, where we were informed about several staff members who had blown. I was not listening at all and I don’t remember why they blew. But something that the Captain said, stuck to me. She said, “If they don’t need us, we don’t need them either.”

    First, I thought it was very childish saying. But then I remembered that I already had heard that before somewhere but I could not remember where and when. The more I thought about it, the more I felt like I was about to cry. I cried for several days. Not too many people saw me. If I was a guy, crying I would probably get punished. But because I was a girl, People were asking me if I was homesick. And I answered, yes! What else could I say? I really wished I had been able to remember everything but at the same time I wanted to forget so to make my life easier.

    Finally, I was sent to ethics for something irrelevant. I was writing O/Ws and this time I added a few past life overts. So I was sent to the MAA. She took them and began reading them in front of me, I chickened out, and escaped from HCO, downstairs, leaping over several steps at a time. The MAA caught me outside and took me back in. I started to regret that I wrote those O/Ws. My heart was hammering as the MAA was reading them. I tried to convince myself, I just made them up, it really never happened. Then I told to the chief MAA I was just kidding. There was another girl in the room, I don’t remember her post. She shook her head and said: “You were not kidding, you were really scared!”

    I told them that they should do some handling on me, because there were some Sea Org members I could not confront.

    “Who can’t you confront?’

    I opened my mouth and the name of J.E came out.

    “The daughter?”

    Everybody gave me the “why would you be so afraid of a little girl“, look. I just sat there, holding my head.

    A few days later I was sent to an auditor to do some PTS handling. He kept asking me questions, and after struggling for a long time I told him that I had screwed up the PR of Scientology in my past life and that I had killed myself and I should be sent to the RPF for that. “Thank you,” he said and I felt so relieved!

    Then we talked about it for a while and then he said, “Nobody can be punished for something they did in a past life. Trust me. I know. I used to be an ethics officer in my org.” Then I told the auditor a couple of other things I remembered. When we were done, I began regretting telling him that. I went to look for him to tell him I was just kidding, but could not find him anywhere.

    I really needed some handling. The MAAs had recommended to me to do a Repair of Past Ethics Conditions and I thought it was what I needed. I started and was half done with my RPEC when I found myself in a very deep confusion. I was not really in present time. I did all the formulas up to doubt and got an E-Meter check. Then I did my doubt formula and felt good. Then I began my liability formula and got stuck. I knew, there is nothing I could do to make up the damage I have caused by committing suicide and giving the public a reason to doubt about the validity of Scientology. I died in a very deep doubt but why did I have to mess it up for everybody?

    Why did I do it? It was like betraying my own family…

    Then again, did I mess up PR before I killed myself or did I mess up PR as a result of my suicide? I did not know, I had the feeling it was both.

    I screwed up Scientology’s PR somehow before I died, but I could not remember what I had done. Something had to do with reporters and psychiatrists. Was the decision to join the “SPs” the right decision? Was I rebelling against something or someone? I fell back in doubt again and I could not get out of it, no matter what I did. “At least, if I could remember my name, it would be easier to figure things out”, I thought.

    The next day I made a decision. I said to myself, “Hell with the past. That was then and this is now.“ I will work the best I can and support this group. Case on post is a crime and I’m not going to pay any attention to my case.” And boy! It felt real good! It felt like doing RPEC was the best thing that ever happened to me. This was very real and I was about to announce my decision.

    But something weird happened. First, my roommate moved out and the chief MAA moved in with me temporary. She began to follow me everywhere. I could not even go to the store without her on my back. She was trying to do it discretely of course.

    “With a lot of ARC.” “For my own good.”

    Then a few days later I was sitting in HCO, staring at the wall and some people that I did not know came to me and gave me some papers to sign, concerning the fact that I would not sue them. They took me into a room where there was a camera and I signed them. I said, I understand everything and after I leave I will not have any intention on suing them. “Don’t I have to do my leaving sec check first?” I thought, sitting in the plane on my way to Russia. This was weird; I could not believe I was leaving. It was so unreal! It was not even my decision. I was so pissed off that I had not even gotten a Security Check and felt like it was not the first time happening that way. I did not even really realize what had just happened to me. I could have understood if they had kicked me out a few weeks earlier, but not now! Not after I have decided to stay and support them. That was really BAD TIMING! That was so unfair!

    I thought I should dropp my body and start all over. But then I thought it will be just DEV-T to start all over again after all the things I knew now. When I came back to Russia, I found out my grandpa had just died and my grandma was about to die but she was waiting for me to see me once more. She told me she was ready to go now. After she died I went back to America. My plan was to marry any American guy, get a Green Card and change my last name. I was naïve enough to think that name changing is all I needed to come back.

    Well…My first marriage was a nightmare. The guy was abusive and no matter how hard I tried to bring him into Scientology and even paid for his courses, we ended up getting a divorce. A green card was not worth being put through that hell I went through with him. I ended up having 2 kids at that time. I said “Good bye Sea Org” after I got pregnant with my first son. It was a very had decision. I was homeless but I still decided to keep the baby. Then I said to myself, “what the heck? I can’t go back now anyway” and I ended up having more kids.

    I decided to become a wog. I invested my money in the house, garden, kids and pets. Several years passed by. I got remarried, got full custody for my kids, had another kid and I thought that my past finally had left me alone.

    But it did not.

    One day I was sitting in the back bench in a Christian church where my kids were attending and listening happy worship songs that were making me feel only worse.

    I suddenly found myself sitting in front of LRH and some other OT. That OT looked at me and said, “Sure, you can blow now but you will still return some day. You know that, don’t you?”

    “Know what?” I asked, trying to sound stupider than I was.

    “You will have to come back to the Sea Org. You have signed the contract.”

    “Only, if there is still a Sea Org to come back to!” I blurred out and regretted it right away.

    They both gave me the “What kind of postulate is that?” look.

    I wanted to say, I did not mean to say that. But, deep inside I knew, I did. I thought, LRH will shout. I thought, he will send me to the RPF again. But he just pointed to the door and said: “If you don’t need us, we don’t need you either. Go fly your fucking plane!”

    And so I left. Without a Security Check. Just like that. That’s why I killed myself! I felt like he has given up on me. So, there! …..I looked around. I was still sitting in the same bench, in the same church. The pastor was talking about something, but I could not comprehend what he was saying. And then it suddenly hit me: J.E. was that OT that was with LRH who told me I will be back.

    Holding my 5-yearl-old daughter by the hand,I was going through the crowd of people( not long ago.)
    She let go of my hand and run infront of me.
    “No!” I said, grabbing her by the hand. “Stay with me!I don’t want to loose you!” (Meaning I don’t want her to run off and get lost.)
    “What was that? What the heck I just said? Where have I heard that before?’
    And then it hit me! “My mother!”

    “I left my body at the hospital,still hanging arround,hoping my dad will visit me at the hospital after his first reaction have passed.He did not. He was still mad at me.

    Then I remember my mother,crying.I knew what she was thinking. “NO!I don’t want to loose you!I love you!”
    “I love you too !” I told her. I’m sure,she heard me. On spiritual level. She was OT,after all.
    Darn it!Why did she waited untill the last munute to tell me that?”
    Then I thought,may be I’ve made a mistake. May be I should go back to my body. But it was too late.
    My body was dead.

    I was hanging around my body for a while,trying to figure out what just happened.
    Why was my body so messed up by somebody?
    Then it hit me!
    The danger formula!"Handle the situation and any danger in it"!
    And why would somebody hit me on the head and give me all this crazy sugestions about forgeting things?"Who would do such a thing and Why?"Who was those two young guys who came up to me and one of the dudes asked, "Is he dead?"
    "And another one (who by the way looked like DM) said, "Let's hit him on the head." And the first dude did.
    "Was it done just in case, if I will decide not to drop my body and come out from the coma?"
    And then it hit me again! "Reorganize the activity so that the situation will not repeat.Recommend any firm policy that will hereafter detect and/or prevent the condition from recurring."
    Darn danger formula again!

    Will Continue.....
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2010
  2. AngeloV

    AngeloV Gold Meritorious Patron

    Welcome, russiangirl. Your story is very interesting. Thanks for writing it. I hope you and your family are doing well now.
  3. NeXTep

    NeXTep Patron with Honors

    Welcome aboard Russiangirl.

    That is an amazing story.

    Good to see that things have taken a positive turn for you and you have been able to start getting your past sorted out.
  4. Balthasar

    Balthasar Patron Meritorious

    Absolutely fascinating your story russiangirl!
    Thanks for posting it.
    It certainly did explain some things to me.
    My best wishes to you.
    Don't worry, you will be alright.
  5. Cherished

    Cherished Silver Meritorious Patron

    Hi there russiangirl.

    Your story is amazing. I hope you and your kids are doing really well.
  6. thefiredragon

    thefiredragon Patron Meritorious


  7. FoTi

    FoTi Crusader

    Yeh, Russiangirl.....thanks for your story.....very interesting. :yes:

    Welcome to ESMB. I hope you will post more of your story. :drama::drama:
  8. Smilla

    Smilla Ordinary Human

    I find your posts really interesting. :)
  9. Blue Spirit

    Blue Spirit Silver Meritorious Patron

    I Believe You

    Your story strikes me as VERY believable !:thumbsup::yes::)
  10. thetanic

    thetanic Gold Meritorious Patron

    In the immortal words of tarbaby, "You betta off!"
  11. Deb Lee

    Deb Lee Patron

    amazing story

    I liked your story, regardless of so many on this board completely, absolutely antagonistic to the tech, most of which have absolutely no experience with it.

    Angry and sometimes down right nasty people.

    Then, there is the truth.

    I am a last lifer too.

    thanks, for sharing your story.
  12. Gloria Manchenburg

    Gloria Manchenburg Patron with Honors

    Do you think it's possible to reformat that entire post in something to resembles paragraphs, spacing and punctuation ?
  13. thefiredragon

    thefiredragon Patron Meritorious

    Was done.
  14. AnonyMary

    AnonyMary Formerly Fooled - Finally Free

    Deb, not sure where you got that idea because it's just not true.
  15. Gottabrain

    Gottabrain Guest

    Russian Girl, WELCOME and thank you for your story. Glad to have you here and I'm happy for your newly discovered Freedom!

    Ah, Deb Lee, here we find you again, pouncing on those newly out, trying to convince the ex Scns that are finally free that the tech works and putting down those who say it does not with your made up, arbitrary lies and denigration of others.

    So on this thread will you pretend to be a student just asking about Scn, like last time? Or will you pretend to be an exScn getting a refund like you did on another thread? No, it looks like this time you will pretend to be a wisened, well seasoned Scn who will show the world how the tech really works.

    Since the majority of us here have anywhere from 10-60 years or more experience with Scn, it was not difficult to catch you out at your game.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 27, 2009
  16. thefiredragon

    thefiredragon Patron Meritorious

    On behalf of Quentin Hubbard.

    PART 2

    “I needed to get out. At least, for a few month. Living in Sea Org,my first dynamic was in non-existence. Or perhaps, even lower. My father always liked to talk about the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics ,but I don’t think he truly understood what does that mean. His own first dynamic was not in as low condition as mine was.

    Besides, he already had his chance to do lots of things for himself when he was younger. By the time he was my age,he’ve traveled everywhere; he have seen and have done lots of things. Now I wanted to do something for myself for a change.

    At least, for a while. I needed a temporary break.I would come back. I would not leave my family. Just a few month…

    When I was younger, I used to work hard, trying to earn the right to take some time off. I used to write CSWs , stating that my stats are up, can I please have some time off? They all were returned to me disapproved, as I expected.

    I gave up on trying to get it the right way ,by following polices.

    “May be if I could act like a nutcase, my father will let me leave.”

    “BFF!VFFFvvv!FJJJF!VVR-Fvvvv!” I’m a plane! “FVr-Wew-BJF-VFF-er-w!” I’m going to land! I’m not the best auditor!

    I am a plane!EW-VVVVFFFF!”

    That was fun!
    I was trying to show off in public on many occasions, zooming my hands thought the air. People was staring at me, shocked.They never said anything aloud, but I knew what they was thinking, “ Oh, GOD! Is this comandor’s son? Is that boy ,dramatizing a plane is really, Quentin Hubbard? What a nutcase!”

    It was just goofing around and it was fun! I would do about anything to get out. I was even tryed to damage my own reputation as an auditor just to be able to have a little break. I hoped,my father will get mad and let me do what I wanted with my life. But no matter what I did, I was still here.

    I knew ,if anybody else would act as I did, they would be kicked out for sure. But not I ! I was his son!

    After I came back form my last vacation,my mom found out that I almost commited another suiside and I could not get another vacation since then.

    There was another reason I needed a break. I was having weird simptoms that nobody knew about. I hoped there were some medical books laying arround because the dictionary was not helpful at all. I knew that if i open my mouth and ask somebody about it, my dad would get KR the same day. I wanted to go out to see some wog-doctor to figure out what's was wrong with my body. I even made a list of "things to do" just in case. If doctor would say that there is nothing wrong with it,I would celebrate. I would do everything on my list and come back even earlier then I should.If not,I still would do everything I ever wanted and then disapear. The best way to disapear is to change my last name,I thought.

    One of my pcs had weird symptoms.

    All I could think of was: PTSness. It was my fault. I should been a better auditor!!

    In one of my past lifes I used to be a doctor, I caused a death of my patient and no longer believed in surgeries and medications. I died in jail, having a great remorse about it.

    But now I could not do anything as an auditor. I have failed everywhere..

    Getting out was my only option …I did not want to fill the same remorse for the rest of my life.

    What can I do so I could leave? I tried everything. I made several attems to dropp my body . I thought, for that I would get kick out for sure. I’ve been in RPF,I recently got out of isolation, but I was still here.
    I thought,there is nothing I could do to get out. I even confess to a several crimes I have not comit. And the weird thing, they bought it!

    I wished,my father would able to understand me. I wished,he tried. But nothing worked.

    I tried to make me look as much incompetent as I could. Confessing my made up o/ws, I never shared my real doubts with anybody.(exept Monica but she was far away.)

    Well…I do admit,I have done some squrriling in the past. I felt a great remorse about that. I was doubting my father’s tech but I lied ,when I told to Dennis that I ALWAYS make false reports. Not really.Not always. Just a couple of times.Just tried to paint a worse picture than it really was to get on cramming.

    “If I prove that I’m incompetent as an auditor,may be my father will let me leave.I don’t care if later I will have to start all over again.Not a big deal.”

    Well,who I'm I kidding.. Starting all over was a big deal.Loosing all my certs ment a lot to me but if what it take to get out.. Oh,well.

    I had a big doubts about my dad.

    He contradicted to his own policies, did lots of out-ethics stuff. PR of Scientology was getting worse and worse.

    And it was all my fault! I should audit him better when I had a chance.

    I also thought, my dad was not using correct conditions formula. He thought,he was in power.

    But statistics were false.

    As far as I knew, our stats were in danger. His own stats were in danger. And I knew,if he will not do something about it,very soon he will find himself in lower conditions.

    Was he aware of that? Probably not. I wish somebody would send him on ethics and do some handling on him,but who would send a comandor on ethics?

    I was so deep in doubts about what should I do. May be I should try to talk to my father once more. My reputation as an auditor was already very damage now, he will probably find some replacement for me soon. This was the best time to leave.


    After I talked with my father, I wished I have not done it.

    He looked at me and carefuly said, “I talked to your mother…She does not mind. Only for a month,right? You are not planning another suicide,are you?”


    “After you come back,you will have to get traned all over again,from the bottom.”

    “I know.”

    “And you know,what signing a contract means,don’t you?” asked a man the name I don’t recall.

    I pretended I have no idea what he was talking about.

    “ I hope you understand,you will HAVE TO return.”

    I had a question in my mind that I always wanted to ask. “What if Sea Org will fall? What if there will be no more Sea Org,then what?”

    I opened my mouth and blured out, “Only is there is still Sea org to come back to!”

    I never forget a look in my father’s eyes. He was staring at me as if I was the Spiest SP.

    “Get out!” he said. “Go,dance!Fly your fucking plane! I never want to see you again! If you don’t need us, we don’t need you either!”

    I left. I was not even in grief. I was beyong grieve;beyoung the apathy.

    I should never share my doubts with him! I should keep them to myself! Now he hates me!I never said,I don’t need them!

    If he would only have said, “Son! I love you! If it something you really want to do, go ahead! Take some time off. You deserve it. We will wait for you. When you come back, you can have your old post back!”

    I would bawl. I would hug him and may be return less than in a week.

    He did not even gave me a sec check! If he would, there was a chance I could tell him the truth! He should have another com eve on me!

    I guess,he just have given up on me. I though, what would I do, if my son would acted as I was. How many times can a man send his own son on ethics handling? Perhaps, I would give up too. May be he was right.

    I began to plan my suiside. What should I do? Should I steal my records, my folders,all paperwork? Should I go to some wog’s library, get an old- fat- boring book that probably will stay in the shelves for years, collecting dust, rip the pages and hide all my stuff inside?May be,many years later somebody would find it….

    The rest of the day was as if in a fog. I don’t know what I was doing.I was talking to somebody, going somewhere… I did not care.All I wanted was to kill myself and get it over with.

    I was not afraid of death. Being an auditor, I knew, reincarnation was REAL. This aspect of Scientology I NEVER doubted.

    I knew, all I had to do was to take another body. Not a big deal.


    I did not know where I was.”What am I doing here?”

    Oh,yes! I was supposed to dropp my body! I looked around trying to find some pills or something
    I could swallow. Nothing! I wished, I had a gun.butI did not have it. “May be I should hang myself?’I thought.

    I found a rope. I put it around my neck. “ Will my father even regret what he told me? Probably not. He always liked Diana better,anyway.Who cares?”I thought

    Will my death affect PR of Scientology?”Probably.

    Am I ready to hurt two people I loved? I was not sure. The fact that Monica blew did not help me. It set me deeper in doubt.

    My dad was not the greatest dad in the world, but deep inside I still loved him. I knew, that what I was about to do will destroy my father’s reputation. His goals. Something he was working on all his life! Was it a right choice? He was my father! There is a lot of things he have done I did not agree with. But I was trying to convince myself he did them for greatest good. Some things seemed to be out-ethics. A few things I was not sure about. But did I really wanted to hurt him? He was my father! Did I really wanted to hurt my mother? NO!Not her!

    Since I was little, I was playing a “I’m right-you’re wrong “game with my dad. I got so caught up in that game, I was not sure who I was anymore.

    I did not want to keep playing; all I wanted –my integrity back.

    “But he said, he does not want to see me! He does not need me! He thinks, I’m SP full of countr-postulates!”

    “But what do I care? Very soon I will have new parents. May be this time I can take a gir’s body, somewhere very far from here, where nobody knows me. May be I could find a woman without children to be my mother, then I would be her first–born! I would able to have a normal childhood; do the things I always wanted to do… Will I remember this? I was not sure. I never died as OT before. May be this time I will be able to keep my memories . It was up to me. Did I want to keep them? Would I rather forget?I was not sure.

    But what about Scientology? Have not I damaged it’s PR already by lies and squirreling? All that negative information I’ve heard recently in the media, was MY fault! That dude on TV I saw was talking about Scientology and I knew,it’s PR already damaged beyond repair.

    Do I want to mess it up more? Not really.

    I wiped my tears away. I took the rope off my neck. I put it back where I got it from.

    No, it was too obvious.

    Still sobbing, I went outside and got into my car that I got for my birthday. I had another plan.”

    by Yuliya V. Keaton

    Last edited: Jul 22, 2010
  17. NeXTep

    NeXTep Patron with Honors

    Good to post this continuation here, that's where it belongs and aligns with the original post.

    But there seems to be more....

    Would you care to post it?
  18. thefiredragon

    thefiredragon Patron Meritorious


    Well. Yes,there is more but I'm not proud of it...

    I was in very low condition when I was doing that.

    On behalf of Quentin Hubbard
    by Yuliya V. Keaton
    Part 3

    "I knew,it was all my fault.
    I should me more honest. But the game that my dad started on his birthday a couple of years ago was just a joke.
    Scientology was expanding just fine without the game. Slow ,but it was expanding. Then he came up with that game and we all (most of us) had to fake our stats just to please him.

    He should wish for another present. Or at least, to triple stats or double them. He always used to say, “Postulate big!” But that was too big. Almost impossible to achieve. We was not ready for that game yet. We tried.
    Well... Where was i ? Oh,yeah! I was walking on the beach, dramatizing that
    doctor that I used to be in past life (the one that caused his patient's death
    and who died in jail.) I did not want to leave for the rest of my life with the same remorce.

    My original plan was to change my last name legaly before I die. I was hoping to find some homeless woman or even prostitute, give her some money and convince her to marry me for a few days. Then I was going to have my name changed so my death would not affect PR of Scientology. I even was going to give her some money to get an announcement (Well... Actually, she won’t need it once she becomes a widow..)

    By changing my name, I could avoid unnecessary publicity and keep my parents out of this. After all, it was my decision and I did not want public to think that OTs can get so unethical.
    That was my original plan…

    But nobody was going to do me that favor and I did not have a lot of cash on me.
    So I decided to drive to Vegas, to the gay bar and find some wog who would do me that favor and marry me the same day.

    ...I found some guy who was very drunk and he seemed to be O.K with that.

    I felt so bad for doing that to him,I felt like I was using him to get what I want.I don’t even remember his name..

    But when he sobered up a bit, I realized that he was the one who was using me.He lied!

    He did not have any intentions on marrying me.He told me that he was already married. My plan backfired at me.
    Last edited: May 18, 2010
  19. Guest 000

    Guest 000 New Member

    Last edited: Feb 14, 2010
  20. DartSmohen

    DartSmohen Silver Meritorious Patron

    Hullo Russian Girl,

    In your postings you state that in your past life you were Quintin Hubbard. You also give some very clear descriptions of what you "remember".

    Well, here is a chance for you to clear up any confusion over whether or not you were Quintin.

    In late 1968, Quintin was sitting with John Horwich and myself in the evening study roomin the lower hold. Quintin made a confession that had a profound impact on his future in the SO.

    So, if you were Quintin, what was that moment of truth?


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