Featured It started out so good…

Discussion in 'Stories From Inside Scientology' started by tookmeawhile, Apr 26, 2008.

View Users: View Users
  1. tookmeawhile

    tookmeawhile Patron with Honors

    Hello, everybody. This is my first posting. For several years, I haven’t been very happy at all with the current state of the Church of Scientology. I finally took the plunge and decided to look at an online site or two. Just to check it out – to fully analyze everything. The first one I saw was Exscientologykids.com and one of the stories linked to here, ESMB. That was about a month ago. I was expecting to see a bunch of whining and criticism by a bunch of down-toned degraded beings. Ha! Talk about being totally wrong.

    Everything I wanted to know about Scientology – but was afraid to find out.

    One of the first stories I read was from Bea Kiddo. Wow. Such a sad tale but told by someone so terrific with so much compassion. It was quite the eye opener. No natter at all. By relaying her story, Bea indicated so much bypassed charge in so many different areas. Bea, your story is so interesting, sad, funny, nasty, frustrating, shocking and sweet.

    And then I read Mo’s – Twin A’s story. It is as brilliant and sad a tale as I could possibly read. I love your style of writing. Mo, your story really touched my heart. I can’t begin to tell you how much your story meant to me. Both of these; the most riveting stories I’ve ever read. Only an ex-Churchie can really duplicate it. Thank you so much for writing your stories. Mine is really nothing – maybe a few little anecdotes. My history is nothing like Bea’s or Twin A’s epic stories. And I’m glad it isn’t. I’m sure I wouldn’t have survived to talk about it. I don’t really have any horror stories, mainly just a lot of sad observations over the years. I have since read a lot of other stories and posts on this site. There are so many funny, kind and thoughtful people. I have found a new home.

    I’m one of those love the tech, very disabused of the church kind of guys. I got in Scientology almost thirty years ago. I have had some fantastic wins. I’m Clear and trained up to CL V in the early 80’s. But don’t worry; I’m not wishy-washy. I am definitely out now. In fact, I’d LOVE some tips – okay exact procedures on how to get repayments. Won’t they just declare me and ignore my letters? But that’s another issue.

    I was dedicated public at times, staff for a couple years – TTC (tech training core) at home org and at Flag, word clearer and auditor, a namby-pamby dilettante some times and off lines for large pockets of times (including paying off a big freeloader bill), married and divorced a Scientologist, had kids and raising them as future Scientologists. Not sure how I’m going to tell them that Daddy won’t be going back to the Org. And why. But that, too, is another issue.

    Background and how I got started

    To make a long story short, I was a really sad and depressed teenager who smoked a lot of pot and did some other drugs. When I was eighteen, I saw an ad for Dianetics in an Omni science fiction magazine in the late ‘70s and bought a paperback Dianetics book. For some reason, I felt it would be my savior (translation into Scientologese; it really indicated). I remember on more than one occasion looking at the Dianetics book when I was high. Mainly I read just the cover and table of contents - maybe a page or two. Realizing that I was really sad and miserable and that drugs weren’t helping me in the long run, I decided to force myself to quit all drugs. Took me about a month but, to this day, it’s still my greatest accomplishment. Not sure if I’m quite over it yet. It’s only been twenty-eight years, ten months and a few days. I was so addicted to pot. Me thetan and me body absolutely LOVE pot. But I’m digressing.

    So that was my game in life at eighteen – to quit drugs. That made me rather high-toned for a while. But once I knew I was done with them, I went back to being low-toned again. I was very sad. My mind was always racing, depressed, very pathetic. I was in horrible mental condition. I can’t overstate how bad I felt. I finally picked up the Dianetics book and made myself read it from cover to cover. I’m sure I had hundreds of mis-understood words but I did get a lot out of it. I had pretty much realized – this was it. It made so much sense and I needed to be a Clear – then I would be happy. I just knew I found the answer.

    After reading Dianetics, I went to a public library to see if I could find anything else by L. Ron Hubbard. I saw a “Have You Lived Before This Life?” book and my heart sank. Was this whole thing just a scam? Well, I was so enthusiastic about Dianetics that I figured I’d at least read HYLBTL. Holy crap; earlier/similar incidents straight into past lives? Not a scam but the secrets of life! Well, it made sense – this really was it. Past lives, immortality, oh this was so great! There was a sticker in the book for a local mission.

    From less than zero to forty in the blink of an eye.

    Okay, the same thing happened to me like so many other new people. I went into the mission with hopes of getting Book 1 auditing and instead signed up for a TR’s and Objectives type course. (Remember years after this, they had the little pitch – “ridge on the bridge” and let people get book 1 auditing right away? This was going to boom the Orgs and clear the planet.) I didn’t really mind though – I was open to see what had developed since 1950. I didn’t get much out of TR’s at that time but my musical twins and I did audit each other on Objective ARC – and other processes. (Look around here and find something really real to you, look around here and find something you wouldn’t mind communicating with, etc. can’t remember the exact patter). My first real session as a PC. It was ho-hum, kind of boring but not bad, looking around, doing the commands and then all of a sudden…BOOM!

    I didn’t know exactly what happened but all the mass associated with being in a body disappeared. My body wasn’t heavy any more, it was like I was hovering – but still in my head – but with no life draining energy connection. I was "unplugged" from my body. (Of course, took me a year or two afterwards with more study to realize I had exteriorized.) I was so out of my head (but still in or around the same location – if that makes sense) that I felt exposed and almost naked. Realize I was completely inverted on my eight dynamics in life (translation – I had my head stuck up my butt for years). I was introverted, shy, no girlfriend, lousy job, nothing. It was such a struggle to move around such a heavy, heavy, tired body (I was a skinny 19 yr old but it was so heavy). I had blood pounding and bells dinging and constant think-think-think, panic alarms (dive! dive!), so much constant clattering and noise in my head. I had about thirty conversations going on in me, seven bad movies running over and over, six wars and two cats scratching and biting at my thetan all at once. And it all of a sudden completely STOPPED. It was quite life changing; it was my epiphany. I was floating in mid-air. Everything was calm and peaceful and so beautiful. Nothing like drugs – this was real life and oh so frickin’ good!!! No noise - just ahhh. I had a smile on my face that I couldn’t wipe off. My ears, jaw and cheeks were sore from smiling so hard. In that one moment, I went from where dying would have brought me way up the tone scale to actually being all the way up the tone scale; it felt like I was at serenity of beingness for a little while.

    Wow; just writing that makes me want to march down to my nearest Church of... Church of... Oh crap. I almost forgot. There is no more Church of Scientology – just a dead empty lick and a promise of what once was; but never quite had been. Yes, I’ve used several LRH type phrases in this post for fun.

    Just so you know, not everyone would get these types of gains with this auditing procedure or in any session(s) for that matter. This particular one, Objective ARC, just really worked for me. I have no idea if the magnitude of my wins communicated well or not. Just know that it was these feelings and sensations from reading two books and a little bit of auditing with absolutely fantastic results that really hooked me hard into Scientology. I hope that I was able to tell even just a little bit of how it felt - how wide open and beautiful the future looked when someone really realizes that Scientology and LRH is the answer to all of their own and mankind’s hopes and dreams. This is the most important part of my story. I don’t think non-Scientologists can really understand how it feels and why we can love the tech, and ultimately the Church, so much. I mean just look at this: I was a very sad, depressed person; nearly insane. Then I discovered Dianetics and it sounded fantastic, it was very plausible that I lived before, maybe I was immortal and the Objectives auditing WORKED: I just had the greatest moment of my life – probably of many, many lifetimes – if one believes in that sort of thing. The question isn’t how could someone fall for the Church of Scientology and all that it is about, the question is how could one NOT??
  2. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    Hey tookmeawhile! Welcome to ESMB. :)
    We're listening.....:drama:
  3. Kathy (ImOut)

    Kathy (ImOut) Gold Meritorious Patron

    Welcome, Tookmeawhile.

    Great story. I too quit drugs on my own. It will be 23 years as of May 15th.

    You write very well - totally duplicate the win you shared.

    Now for repayments. There are a few threads around here about that, but I'll give you my story here. Just right a letter to the org(s) you have money at requesting that they repay what you have on account. If you are going for a refund, I'd suggest you get yourself an attorney and expect a huge fight. But a repayment of money not used, just sitting there, is fairly easy. That is how my husband and I got our money back - from numerous orgs.

    We had to sign some papers saying we would not sue the church later and that we acknowledged that we would be "expelled". OK, fine by us. Still wish we got our actual Goldenrod declaring us. But I have a friend that has seen my Goldenrod, so I know it happened. LOL!!!
  4. sandygirl

    sandygirl Silver Meritorious Patron

    Welcome tookmeawhile!:happydance:

    I felt the way you described when I finally allowed myself to look at the websites! I saw so many things around me in the Org. and I started to feel like it was not going to be possible to stay in. It was NOTHING like what I felt the tech. was trying to accomplish.

    I felt the people whose stories I read were more open, honest, and kinder that the robotic "terminals" I was dealing with in Scientology!

    Have you seen Jason Beghe's interview? I think it is amazing!!

    Isn't it great to realize you weren't alone in your private doubts?
  5. Div6

    Div6 Crusader

    Welcome home.

    It seems a lot of people had that win of going exterior early on is Scn. Jason Beghe had it on the TR's course. You on Obj's. For me I went ext on the purif.
    (And after FPRD, and a few other times). Yes, that was IT. Exterior from the body ridges but able to postulate and perceive....

    Please continue....
  6. Alanzo

    Alanzo Sponsor

  7. Alanzo

    Alanzo Sponsor

    Welcome, tookmeawhile!

    There are quite a few long-timers here.

    Just remember - it comes off in layers, so give yourself some slack.

  8. Mark A. Baker

    Mark A. Baker Sponsor

    If you have any interest in continuing with the tech you might want to check out some of the many freezone scientology websites. Standards vary, but the following are among the most prominent "standard tech" websites

    Prominent freezone websites include:

    Freezone Org: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/FreezoneOr...

    International Freezone Association:

    Ron's Org UK:

    Ron's Org International:


    Elma, Washington:

    Mark A. Baker
  9. Boldgirl

    Boldgirl Patron Meritorious


    Speaking of repayment.....Hey if anyone out there does have advice on repayment from the church, best way to do it, etc please do let us know! For me it would be for unused money on account.

    well 'took me awhile', it took me awhile too and I was only in from 2002-05 and all that time the info was right under my nose on the internet....I feel ridiculous. I feel sick about the money spent and the debt I accrued and the whole experience makes me ill to think about. I did have some wins but more upset than wins and that is how I will always think of the church....messed with my head much more than it helped...and I am still not quite right and havent totally bounced back from botched auditing and CS'ing. BUT I know I have a lot of company and I know the truth now and thankfully I did not pay for OT levels. Whew. That is truly thanks to all of you out there that have been on the internet waiting for us to wake up. I woke up about 2 weeks ago and although had not done service for a couple of years -was all the while just trying to get some space before returning...but couldnt get myself to do it! Then I started reading these sites, listening to all those great ex scn kids, jason beghe, and learning how corrupt and evil DM is and it all 'clicked' and validated everything I had been 'feeling' but not admitting. Thanks.....:happydance:
  10. Good twin

    Good twin Floater

    Hello TMA. I'm right there totally into your story. It sure sounds familiar. The thing I like about this board is there are so many of us here and we all have different experiences and yet so much of the same. Somehow we have come to realize that the fact that our experience has led us here to this message board is not a bad thing. This is where we need to be to get on with it; to sort out where we want to go from here; to understand what really went wrong. Or maybe just to not understand but allow ourselves the fact of the experience of being in and being out.
    Anyhow, welcome to ESMB. We are listening.:drama:
    Good Twin
  11. Kathy (ImOut)

    Kathy (ImOut) Gold Meritorious Patron

    Welcome, Boldgirl.

    Read my post, #3 of this thread, about how to get a repayment.
  12. Dulloldfart

    Dulloldfart Squirrel Extraordinaire

    And then there's the other kind.... :)

  13. Dulloldfart

    Dulloldfart Squirrel Extraordinaire

    Yes. Many people who have not had such wins from auditing really believe it is all delusion one way or another. Welcome to ESMB, by the way. Keep posting. :)

  14. Mark A. Baker

    Mark A. Baker Sponsor

    You left off your url, Paul.

    http://yawnguy.com/ :)

    Mark A. Baker
  15. Dulloldfart

    Dulloldfart Squirrel Extraordinaire

    Since it flashes six times in my avatar I thought I would be subtle.

  16. Alanzo

    Alanzo Sponsor

    Good thinking.

  17. GreyLensman

    GreyLensman Silver Meritorious Patron

    Welcome. I followed some of the same path - except I started reading A. R. S. and Clambake and crawled into my shell to ruminate for several years. It's hard throqwing off the ingrained habits of justification and refusing to see an outpoint as an outpoint, instead of something that will get better in time.

    Again, welcome.
  18. Zinjifar

    Zinjifar Banned

    The answer to that is probably as multifarious as how one could, but, in my case, I grew up in a Roman Catholic military family, had a whole life of experience in spirituality and authoritarianism and a fanatical interest in science fiction and history and reading in general, managed to extricate myself from *those* blinders, went on to the mid-60s drug and political turmoil and 'group dynamics' with enthusiasm ;)

    Even at *that* point, I had no particular 'trust' in simple answers, and was presented with both obvious spiritual insights and evidence of the failure of 'group' insights on a conveyor belt :)

    Had I run into Scientology at that point, I would have been curious, but, by no means a potential candidate.

    By the time I was in my 30s, and, living in Germany I was still interested in 'cults' and various 'spiritual paths' but also long since completely disabused of the idea that 'Big Wins' were something for me. I'd already found my own path, and, while I appreciated the people in the various 'groups' I'd experienced (at that time I had no experience at all with the 'Church of Scientology) I was tolerant and even accepting.

    A little bit cynical, but, still, I liked seeing people find something 'greater' than themselves.

    Then came the Cult meltdowns of the early 80s, with the 'Children of God' and 'Krishnas' and 'Synanon' and 'People's Temple' and 'Bhagwan' and some very personal experiences with TM (not as a member) and a dozen other cult-like groups, not to mention my ongoing experiences with various 'communist' groups and what had been a tolerant yet 'not for me' position became one of horror at the realization of what was going on.

    I still had had little contact with Scientology, but, it would have easily nudged itself into the same can of worms.

    By the time I was back in the 'States' in '83 I ran into an SF novel by one of my favorite writers, Norman Spinrad, that was a lightly camoflaged story about Scientology megalomania and political ambition and Disconnection that horrified me.

    But, I wasn't involved until the 'Church' tried to 'control the internet' 10 years later.

    So, there was *never* a time I could have fallen for Scientology.

    1984 told me all about it when I was 13.

  19. tookmeawhile

    tookmeawhile Patron with Honors

    Thanks to every one for all the replies! It feels great to get acknowledged.

    It is amazing how all these "free beings" were so robotic out of fear of getting in ethics trouble and declared about anything. I can't stand how our eternity was dangled in front of us on an almost daily basis. I think the ex Scienotologists are in the what is the quote - 10% of the top 5% or something? Well, we're in the top 1% of that group! :p

    I've seen more than half of Jason Beghe's interview. OMG, it is taking words out of all of our mouths!!! It's great. Kind of makes whatever I say here, just repeating what he said.

    And yes, it is great knowing I wasn't alone in my private doubts. Just part of the Church's strangehold over each one of us.
  20. tookmeawhile

    tookmeawhile Patron with Honors

    Thanks so much. I'll write another installment in the next few days when time permits. It took me about a week to write my first one. It was hard to figure out what I want to say and how to say it. Of course, Jason Beghe took the words right out of my mouth on many different things!