Then one day in March a tear appeared in the fabric that was woven around me. Anonymous protesting the orgs caused me to look at some of the posts on the web. I was asked by CCHR to write a comment backing an article by a church official, I saw a comment from a critic that caught my attention, I don't even remember what it was, so I followed a couple of links. I found some things that I had heard a lot about; Lisa Mcphearson, the 1982 mission holders conference, Wollersheim, LRHs passing and I discovered what really happened. After that I read for weeks, I started at the Int stuff, having worked on staff that was real to me, "musical chairs-int base style" rocked me to the core, I went on from there, having long past the point that I could ever continue with the "church." Eventually, I read about Hubbard. The more I read the bigger the betrayal got. It got to the point that I was convinced that EVERYTHING that the church ever promoted, whether it was at events or on the web or wherever it spoke was a smoke screen for some fact that they wanted to cover up. In fact the whole organisation appeared suddenly to be the antithesis of my image of it , an image shared by so many scientologists. Everything that I had held dear about the church was gone, all illusion, worse, it was a lie to cover the facts, which in almost every case were the complete opposite of the advertised intention and stats. I was gutted, felt like I had lost a close friend, in fact I had lost much more, in the worst way....the whole group was not who or what I thought it was.
In fact I found the OSA operations, and the GO actions utterly abhorrent. I felt a sick knot in my gut just thinking of the way people were treated because they had nominated themselves as critics of the church and the church for it's part had deemed them enemies of mankind; to be harmed or destroyed. Every game has it's critics and opponents. The church of scientology calls theirs SPs, psychopaths. The only beings in this universe who are truly beyond redemption. In fact it is even one of the methods of spotting the SP, his anti-scientology stance.
I was disturbed and ashamed to read about how my IAS contributions were used to fair game people, like Tom Gorman who was pressing rape charges against a staff member, and Gerry Armstrong's pursuit and suppression, as well as a host of others. I, like most, thought we were fighting evil SPs who would end the human races chances. Not some conscientious whistle blowers exposing the churches crimes ! So my most lauded achievements are now my greatest shame!
So suddenly, I understood why I was figuring on the Third Reich for so long and how many good people went along with the harm that they did....I had joined and supported a very similar ideology, I just couldn't see it. It was too close to home.
That is quite a disturbing experience and that is the viewpoint from which I post. The goal of becoming a "free being" with God like powers was over for me on my discovery of how Hubbard ended his days, in hiding, pursued, ill and insane. I also saw in reading story after story, that the game of scientology does not seem to end well for anyone. If you are still "in" just think over the OTs you've known and the long term dedicated staff and SO, how did they end up?
I was on solo nots and had stopped auditing when I first started reading the information, I had thought I would get back to it. As time went on, I was in a position where I felt it was only fair to explain my impending apostasy to the org. I was at the point that the thought of pursuing any scientology practice made me feel a bit ill. That was when the Director of Processing called for me to come to flag for my "refresher".Shocked by my sudden change of heart she asked for my materials back which I sent. I also sent a letter explaining the position I had taken. I included the human rights abuses and SP hall as well as the international census results showing less than 100,000 scientologists. As well as the Gallup poll showing the publics net positive view of scientologists -45 as compared to methodists 45, atheists -32. I was hoping, stupidly that he may see how I arrived at my conclusion.
At one level I was incredibly relieved, I did not have to do the mental gymnastics trying to explain and justify to myself and others the bizarre, dishonest and callously self serving activities of the church. That by itself was liberating too. I also felt as though someone had pulled a hundred pound parasite off me. I did not have to find the money or the time to stay on OTVII, an activity that was not contributing to our wellbeing in life. I didn't have to report in to flag every six months. I did not have to spend hours getting sec checked only to be told, once again by the ethics department that I should not masturbate. Also we wouldn't have to cover for each other, in caring for our daughter, who by now was a full time job, which we both found very hard to do on our own, while the other was on their "refreshers". I did not have to feel like a failure in the church because I was not contributing enough, like being on staff, starting a mission or running the OT committee, you see all OT VIIs are expected to be booming scientology in their area, as well as paying for their own services and auditing six times a day, it had been too much, especially with delivering the full time program we were doing to help rehabilitate our daughter, as well as her basic care........ I WAS FREE!