My leaving story

Discussion in 'Leaving Scientology' started by Zander, Feb 4, 2009.

View Users: View Users
  1. Zander

    Zander Patron with Honors

    Part 1

    This is the story of my leaving scientology, it's been a long road out.

    But not having yet told my history in scn perhaps this is going about things in reverse order so I will firstly give a very brief account of my time “in”.

    I became a scientologist back in the 80’s during a particularly difficult period in my life. Over the next 8 years I sold everything I had to pay for the “bridge”, I got massively into debt, I joined the SO twice (though never finished the epf), I worked on staff in an Able group for several years, I did some tech training, I did OT levels, I donated massively to the IAS, I visited the Freewinds, I married a scientologist.

    Back to the leaving part: I had gone off-lines more than 12 years ago but still considered myself a scientologist to some degree, although less and less as time went on. When it came down to it I was very peeved at my experiences in scientology, the way I had been treated and the debt I had incurred which took me years to pay back. Somehow these feelings of disenchantment just would never seem to go away and really I was just pretending, saying nothing. I never went to events… couldn’t stand them!

    I was “recovered” a few times but I took a very cynical view of anyone trying to sell me on the bridge again. In about 1998 I did have an intensive or so of review – they found this intensive in my folder which somehow had been previously unavailable when I had been in dire need of it (or so I thought)! I remember it was the time that the scientologist on-line sites were going up and I had people on at me to put my site up. My answer was: “No I don’t have any wins to write up!”. Then they would come back to me some time later and cheerfully ask me again and I would say the same thing. Thankfully I never did do one. I finished the intensive and went back whence I had come (off-lines).

    Like a lot of people I guess my first real step out was reading the internet in 2004. I read some of the major sites and was astounded by what I read. A lot of it I simply could not believe and it took a lot to sink in. I read ARS but it seemed somewhat extreme to me and at some point switched over to Beliefnet which Fluffy had mentioned in a post on ARS (thanks Fluffy!). I avidly read that for a few years until ESMB and then became a lurker here. As well as Fluffy, Alanzo and Vinaire were also posting there then.

    It seemed that I would be drifting in limbo indefinitely, not being a scientologist but sort-of pretending that I was, or saying nothing about it. I believe there a lot of current scientologists are in this state. For me this was to change after being visited by 2 SO members in 2004; they somehow persuaded me to go back. You see, it turned out that having got up to OTV, they had not decided I had never been clear after all. This seemed to be the case with a lot of people (in fact every clear I knew!) and many were very very upset. But not me - in fact the opposite. Perhaps this was the reason why I did not feel I had any gains on the bridge. I was slightly dubious, but it was worth giving it a go. I was told that in only 1-2 intensives this could be fixed.

    So I whipped out my credit card and paid for 1 intensive, and made preparations for my visit to the AO.
  2. EP - Ethics Particle

    EP - Ethics Particle Gold Meritorious Patron

    A familar ring here!

    Good start! :yes:

    There's more - bring it on! :p :whistling:

  3. Axiom142

    Axiom142 Gold Meritorious Patron


    Thank you for telling us part of your story. I’m ready for more. :drama:

    You sound rather familiar, have we met?

  4. Zander

    Zander Patron with Honors

    Part 2

    The problems were to begin before I even arrived at St Hill. I’d arranged to get there on a Thursday evening or so I thought, but RD (the reg who’d persuaded me to go) wanted me to get there on Wednesday – I wonder why that could be!

    Remember that I had been off-lines for 8 years and become used to “wog” ways of doing things – in other words common sense! RD spoke to me on the phone and tried to pressure me into getting there 1 day early. Considering the length of time I’d been away this seemed very odd to me. Funnily enough she never mentioned stats, she talked about arranging the auditor for me and stuff like that, but I knew it was a bunch of lies. For one thing, when I did arrive there wasn’t any auditor and the one I thought I was going to get wasn’t available.

    Anyway, the result of this phone call was only that I got pissed off, and nothing more. I had made my plans, it was a long journey and that was that. And so I arrived at St Hill per my plans.

    I think I had a session or an interview on that first evening when I arrived. I didn’t know where I would stay and so someone there arranged a room for me to stay with a local public scientologist, KB. I was introduced to her, she seemed ok, but not especially friendly. Anyway, we went to the car park and I drove behind her as she led the way to her house.

    It had been a long day, it was dark, I was tired and I’d had a 5 hour drive to get there. But KB in her sports car decided to drive really quickly down the winding country roads which no doubt she knew well and I didn’t, and I had difficulty keeping up with her. I saw her park and I parked a short distance behind her, but when I got out of the car she had disappeared! She had gone into one of those houses but I had no idea which one! There was a whole row of houses there and it could have been any one!

    Luckily a young chap came by and I asked him if he knew KB. He said, oh yes, that’s his mum and he pointed out the house and I walked there with my suitcase. KB was going to stay with her boyfriend that night, so I had the house to myself. She left and I tried to settle down for the night, but the room seemed very cold – it was December and the middle of winter. She had given me no contact details so I hunted around the house for the heating system but could not get it working.

    I eventually found a heater and used that, but it was noisy and I couldn’t sleep. The next morning I found out that she had a prepayment meter for the gas and it had run out – hence no heating. Pathetic!

    She arrived back the next morning and I told her but she didn’t really respond and was very cold with me and something she said indicated to me that she didn’t want me to stay there further. She was supposed to supply breakfast but said she couldn’t for some reason I can’t remember, but I looked on whilst she prepared her own breakfast and sat and ate it.

    I wondered if it was because I had been offlines for so long and become a non-person that she was like this. I was just not used to being treated in this way as a paying guest in someone’s house.

    Like a mug I paid her the full price and packed up and left. I drove into the AO, very pissed off at the whole thing.

    I did find out, I think a few days later, that KB had been suffering with a bad back, and was in pain, which was why she’d acted strangely. But it seemed odd that she never told me. Perhaps she thought this would be “entheta” to tell me – but not telling me was even worse. She never apologised to me for the lack of hospitality and no heating. Very odd, I thought. And I was struck by the difference between scientologist and “wog” hospitality.

    So I have rambled a bit, but I think I have attempted to show what it’s like going back into a scientology environment when you’ve been away a bit and got used to normal life.

    To be continued….
  5. Zander

    Zander Patron with Honors

    Yes EP, there is loads more, depending on how many tangents I get into! :)
  6. Rae

    Rae Patron with Honors

    Great start! Please continue...
    :drama: :drama: :drama:
  7. Lesolee (Sith Lord)

    Lesolee (Sith Lord) Patron Meritorious

    Apparently good manners are wog things that upstat Scientologists like KB don't need. :confused2: :angry:

    :drama: :drama: :drama:
  8. MarkWI

    MarkWI Patron Meritorious

  9. Zander

    Zander Patron with Honors

    Part 3

    And so I arrived that morning at St Hill rather flustered and short of sleep. Great start! As any pc knows, getting and staying sessionable is a great pressure. When you haven’t had enough sleep you will be put through the hoops to be sessionable. Usually this involves trying to sleep in your car or in one of the public areas of the org where you will likely be woken up frequently. Usually under these circumstances I would doze and then wake up feeling far worse. I would then get into a conversation with the the tech people (I have forgotten the post names, woo hoo!) who would “decide” that no matter what, I did really get enough sleep after all and only needed to down some vits and protein drinks in order to be fully alert. And I would be, temporarily.

    Before starting the auditing program (to fix the not-Clear issue) a d of p interviewer sang RTC praises, saying how lucky we are to have the RTC and how great they were to discover this outpoint that so many people had been allowed to attest clear falsely. But I was thinking how pathetic that they had made this error in the first place and were now charging people to fix their own error!

    I met someone else there who told me about how unimpressed he was about this rtc mistake and that he felt he’d had to pay for a lot of unnecessary intensives due to this error (I forget exactly how many, something like 20!). But he said was ok about it because he had great havingness for money (but he just didn’t seem to have a bean right there and then, funny). I bumped into this chap again a few days later and he blanked me completely. I think he had realised that he’d “nattered” to me and had had to write himself up, and now he could no longer talk to me!

    So I started this progress program to get me to Clear in 25 hours or less. It was an LRH bulletin I was told and was referred to by it’s date. But I never saw it as it stayed firmly behind the meter shield.

    But it seemed to consist of a a tiny bit of each grade that I hadn’t completed. And then a tiny bit of NED. And then at the end of that there was a repetitive process which seemed to be designed to elicit the Clear cognition. Well I did already know what this cognition was supposed to be, which was a slight problem, but in the end I voiced it and had the correct meter phenomena too, and actually did feel pretty good. Not sure why.

    So the folder went back to the C/S and in my next session my auditor told me with the accompanying fanfare that I was Clear (ok there was no fanfare, I just imagined that bit).

    I came out of session feeling fantastic and walking on air. No this is not an advertisment – it’s just how it was. I even wrote a 5 page success story and apparently it was read out to all the staff – bit of motivation for them I suppose.

    Off on a tangent – did anyone ever noticed that these success stories are often pretty much the same, from person to person, almost formulaic? And I found myself writing the same kind of stuff too.

    Anyway, having achieved this new state, I travelled back home to see what my new life was going to be like.
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2009
  10. uncle sam

    uncle sam Silver Meritorious Patron

    To ZANDER--

    Thanks for marking each segment of your story -Part 1 ---Part 3--it helps the reader!
    Oh your story--I really like it-I especially enjoy your comments on the auditing.
  11. Once bitten

    Once bitten Patron Meritorious

    Thanks for your story .... It's really readable and interesting. Please keep going...

    It's made me think of some questions that I've had for some time though...

    Why does having the Clear cog make you feel this way? It's weird. Is it because you feel superior, and it feeds the quest to be better than others? This happens in all animal kingdoms - from the biggest toughest lion, to the kakapo (a NZ native flightless bird) with the best 'boom' at mating time.

    I remember that floating elated feeling. You felt like you were walking on air between the auditing room and the examiner. You would have signed up for anything! WHY THOUGH??? Why does it happen? :confused2:

    It's the same with all auditing. I had my best wins on self analysis lists. Don't ask me why, but I did. I loved them. It was after doing them that I decided to join staff I think ... I would like to do a study to see why the body releases endorphines as a result of remembering stuff that happened to you earlier in your life.

    Any ideas?
  12. Lohan2008

    Lohan2008 Gold Meritorious Patron

    more plz

    more plz :drama::yes:
  13. Dulloldfart

    Dulloldfart Squirrel Extraordinaire

    My first past-life "recalls" (dunno if they were real or not) were on SA lists too. I was blown out. Very much so. I think it's the realization that if past lives are real then so are future ones. Body death this lifetime isn't the end. Maybe one really is immortal. :)

    That was what I was thinking, as far as I recall. I was only 23 and not concerned about dying particularly, but immortality sure beats the hell out of three score and ten or four score and ten if you're exceptional.

  14. GreyLensman

    GreyLensman Silver Meritorious Patron

    Exterior with full 360 degree perception - on Life Repair. Totally GOT that I was immortal.

    Then they decided to "correct" the charge from being exterior, with an Int Rdn, instead of validating the win. Sigh.

    But dammit, still immortal.
  15. AnonyMary

    AnonyMary Formerly Fooled - Finally Free

    Zander's story Part 1

    During allthese yerars you mentioned, were you afraid to let anyone know you were becoming disaffected? I know I was.

    Looking forward to more of your story :)

    ~ Mary McConnell
  16. Carmel

    Carmel Crusader

    Good to see that you are telling us your story, Zander. :thumbsup:

    It's a good read, and I'm looking forward to the next installment. :)
  17. sallydannce

    sallydannce Gold Meritorious Patron

    I remember that Clear thing. It had me feeling very cranky. Scientology had started to feel like one great big series of "some nasty hidden suppressives fucked things up a while back but for XXXXXXX amount of dollars we can now offer you a fully renovated unfucked up road to total freedom".

  18. Zinjifar

    Zinjifar Banned

    Did we mention that it's a circular toll road with potholes?

  19. sallydannce

    sallydannce Gold Meritorious Patron

    LOL. No, but it should be in all the glossy propaganda.

    "And once you've been going round and round for a few years, chasing your tail & wondering what the hell is wrong with YOURSELF (it will never be the group - can't be - not written by our leader), we'll sting you for a six-figure amount to sort out the mess we made on your first tail-chasing exercise. You'll love it! It's going to be so much fun!"
  20. Zander

    Zander Patron with Honors

    That's quite possible although I don't recall anyone called 'Ax'. :)

Share This Page