Hi, I am writing this at 3am because I am having a terrible night. I have woken up about 6-7 times since midnight (I fell asleep at 9pm) each time feeling awful and in some cases breathing really fast as if I had stopped breathing. The nightmares, in most cases, took place as if I was still in the Sea Org, still a loyal believer, and finding myself in very stressful situations, the underlying one being that I am still trapped in my own mind, in the scientology paradigm. I wouldn't even call these nightmares. I have had the occasional nightmare, the content of which was completely bogus and the only significant element was the feeling of fear. Every time I woke up from one I was glad it was over. Not tonight. i would rather use my own term "sadmares" to describe what I have been experiencing on and off since leaving scientology. These I am not glad to have woken up, rather I wake up feeling like complete shit and they can sometimes ruin my whole day. The difference being that the content of the dream hits close to home and might have actually happened, had I not managed to free myself back in 2009. It doesn't seem to make sense that the sadmares would be on the rise after so long. It could be another case where my psychiatrist knows my brain better than I do after all. Rather than the trauma from scientology being the trigger for these sadmares, it could be so deeply engrained in my mind that regardless of what I am actually stressed about, my brain uses the context of the Sea Org as its primary symbol of stress, anxiety, the feeling of being trapped, and fear. I could actually be stressed about the recent past or the distant future, but the dream world doesn't always directly correlate to present reality. I also just wanted to let everyone know that while I am no longer routinely posting on-line nor actively protesting, I am still alive and doing my best to enjoy the freedom of living and thinking for myself.