Top 100 Stupid Moments in Scientology PART 4

Discussion in 'Evaluating and Criticising Scientology' started by HelluvaHoax!, Apr 25, 2017.

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  1. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Gold Meritorious Sponsor

    .

    A perfectly illuminating post!

    Communism has "Useful Idiots".

    Scientology has "OTs".
    .



    OTs -noun: Occluded Thetans

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  2. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Gold Meritorious Sponsor

    .
    .

    REASON: Medical doctors are too complex. Ron states that "complexity is equal to degree of non-confront". On the other hand scientology chiropractors have gargantuan confront and can quickly and easily find your mest body's why.

    DISCLAIMER: I do not want to "evaluate" for Scientologists, so I will let them speak for themselves:



    SCIENTOLOGIST
    Doctor, my lungs have been giving me huge problems,
    for years I couldn't stop coughing and now I can hardly breathe. "


    SCN CHIROPRACTOR
    We'll need to do a full workup, blood panel and
    other diagnostic tests so that we can exactly determine the
    source of the problem, so that we can make it vanish.

    SCIENTOLOGIST
    Wow, that sounds complicated---and expensive!

    SCN CHIROPRACTOR
    Oh, no it's quite simple, actually I already ran
    all the diagnostic tests.

    SCIENTOLOGIST
    Wuttttttt? When did you do that, today
    is my first visit to your clinic?

    SCN CHIROPRACTOR
    I did it after you described all your symptoms.
    The WHY is that you have spinal subluxations.

    SCIENTOLOGIST
    Wutttt? My spine?

    SCN CHIROPRACTOR
    Yes, the misalignment of your vertebrae are
    suppressing the flow of theta to your lungs. I
    can give you a series of adjustments over the
    next months and your lungs will be as good as new!


    SCIENTOLOGIST
    Wowwwwww! That is amazing. That's it, there's
    nothing else for me to do or be worried about?


    SCN CHIROPRACTOR
    Well you will need to do two things--first, pay for
    a 12.5 hour intensive of adjustments today
    and get the sliding scale discount.

    SCIENTOLOGIST
    Okay, I hope it's not too expensive. What was
    the other thing I need to do?

    SCN CHIROPRACTOR
    You need to take the prescription I am going to give you today.

    SCIENTOLOGIST
    Oh, drugs? I was hoping to avoid that.

    SCN CHIROPRACTOR
    No, not drugs, LOL. We base our presciptions on
    real science and naturally growing herbs and such.
    Before I write your prescription, I need to ask you
    if you are a smoker and if so how much you smoke a day?

    SCIENTOLOGIST
    Well, um...yes, I do smoke. About 1 pack a day.

    SCN CHIROPRACTOR
    Okay then, here's your prescription, I need you to
    increase to 3 packs a day, like Dr Hubbard smoked. He stated
    stated that lung cancer is caused by not smoking enough cigarettes.

    SCIENTOLOGIST
    My cousin is an emergency room doctor and he told
    me that my lung cancer is from smoking.

    SCN CHIROPRACTOR
    LOL. Well, obviously your cousin is a wog, so he doesn't know.

    SCIENTOLOGIST
    Actually my cousin is the one that got me into Scientology.
    He's an Expanded Ggrade IV Release!

    SCN CHIROPRACTOR
    LOL, well that's all fine, but he's only a Grade IV and I am an OT I,
    so obviously he doesn't have all the advanced confidential
    information and secret upper level technology.

    SCIENTOLOGIST
    Wow, that indicates! I feel all the charge is totally blowing,
    i think my cough has already been handled, I didn't cough for the
    past 10 minutes just being in your theta space!
    Do you have any blank Success Story forms?



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  3. JustSheila

    JustSheila Crusader

    "A billion year contract? What are you, the devil?"

    Those were my exact words when I first saw that Sea Org contract.

    I should have trusted my first impression and followed my gut instinct about that sinister place.
     
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  4. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    It's time to repost this old Haiku.


    Oh, ESMB
    Where's Vinnie, Sneaks and the Bake?
    Knowing how to know​
     
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  5. screamer2

    screamer2 Occam's Ball Crusher

    Mystic has vanished
    Even the venerable
    Have passed from this space


    :old:
     
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  6. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Gold Meritorious Sponsor

    .
    Another thread (where a new poster is asking for information about "GPMs" and where to buy an e-meter) has inspired an all-new feature on The Stupid Thread.

    -------​


    SCIENTOLOGY BELIEVE IT OR NOT ODDITY DU JOUR
    The Scientology e-meter produces a Clear or an OT in
    exactly the same amount of time with or without leads.



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    Last edited: Oct 24, 2018
  7. cleared cannibal

    cleared cannibal Silver Meritorious Patron

    In my box today. Feel free to answer the questions

    .>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



    Dear Friend,
    I wanted to take a moment to remind you of the amazing power of auditing. In HCO Bulletin of 15 January 1970, Issue I, The Uses of Auditing, LRH says:

    “... People who have been ill for some time often only get well because they are audited.

    “After any illness the person should be audited.
    “After accidents and medical care people should be audited.

    "Almost any human situation containing pain or misemotion should be handled by auditing.

    "In the field of ability, auditing is king. The inability to study or to work or even to live can be handled in many ways."

    Later in this reference, LRH goes on to say, "... Auditing is the answer to human disability and travail. It can make life worth living. ... There is no limit to what good auditing can do. That is the first thing one should learn about it."

    With all of this in mind, I have a few questions for you.

    1. When was the last time you went in session, be it here in Portland or some other Scientology Organization?


    2. Do you feel you handled what you wanted to handle in your auditing?


    3. Have you been ill or had any accidents since the last time you were in session?


    4. Would you like to get auditing in the Portland Org?


    5. Do you know anyone else that would benefit from getting auditing?



    Thank you very much! I look forward to hearing from you!


    Much Love,
    Daniel Klevit
     
  8. cleared cannibal

    cleared cannibal Silver Meritorious Patron

    In my box today. I need help answering the questions.

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Dear Friend,
    I wanted to take a moment to remind you of the amazing power of auditing. In HCO Bulletin of 15 January 1970, Issue I, The Uses of Auditing, LRH says:

    “... People who have been ill for some time often only get well because they are audited.

    “After any illness the person should be audited.
    “After accidents and medical care people should be audited.

    "Almost any human situation containing pain or misemotion should be handled by auditing.

    "In the field of ability, auditing is king. The inability to study or to work or even to live can be handled in many ways."

    Later in this reference, LRH goes on to say, "... Auditing is the answer to human disability and travail. It can make life worth living. ... There is no limit to what good auditing can do. That is the first thing one should learn about it."

    With all of this in mind, I have a few questions for you.

    1. When was the last time you went in session, be it here in Portland or some other Scientology Organization?


    2. Do you feel you handled what you wanted to handle in your auditing?


    3. Have you been ill or had any accidents since the last time you were in session?


    4. Would you like to get auditing in the Portland Org?


    5. Do you know anyone else that would benefit from getting auditing?



    Thank you very much! I look forward to hearing from you!


    Much Love,
    Daniel Klevit
     
  9. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Gold Meritorious Sponsor

    Oh, a survey! One of the stupidest moments in Scientology is when one Scientologist asks another Scientologist a "standard survey question". The person being surveyed knows that their answer must be:

    -- on source

    -- uptone

    -- high havingness (i.e. "reaching" for their next service)

    If the person being asked responds with a non-standard answer, they would be harshly handled by ethics.

    Ergo, it's not so much a survey as it is a diagnostic device for early disaffection detection.

    Let me try to answer the questions and tell me if I would be "acknowledged with high ARC"---or routed to ethics and declared. LOL

    1. When was the last time you went in session, be it here in Portland or some other Scientology Organization?​
    An incredibly long time ago.

    2. Do you feel you handled what you wanted to handle in your auditing? No. The auditing I had did not deliver even one of the Clear or OT abilities that were promised when I paid.

    3. Have you been ill or had any accidents since the last time you were in session? I don't know if this would be considered "ill" but I feel I became mentally ill after paying a fortune for hundreds of hours of the "modern science of mental illness" auditing. Likewise, I am not sure if this qualifies as an "accident" but after my last session I "accident"ally paid for another 25 hours, which they guaranteed would fix the previous 250 hours that caused me to have severely delusional thoughts that I was a fallen supernaturally powerful God that was haunted by alien ghosts.

    4. Would you like to get auditing in the Portland Org? Before I answer that I should probably mention my tone 40 pro-survival postulate that Scientology also gets auditing--- intensives of IRS auditing sufficient to reach EP (cult shut down by reason of tax fraud).

    5. Do you know anyone else that would benefit from getting auditing? Yes, particularly the sec checks focused on black ops, felonies and financial crimes. I think all Scientology leaders and it's top management execs should publicly be sec checked on Scientology's 24 hour cable channel. I think have "total certainty" that these auditing demonstrations would do wonders to raise the tone level & knowingness of the society!
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2018
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  10. wigee1

    wigee1 Patron with Honors

    i like the answer to #5.
    Granitt
     
  11. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Gold Meritorious Sponsor


    The following religious scripture is provided through a
    generous licensing donation from the Church of Hoaxology

    excerpt from:
    "THE DIABOLICAL DB's Dinky DICTIONARY"




    GPM -noun: 1. Goals Problems Mass. 2. In Scientology, the relentless imposition of impossible goals causing unsolvable problems upon a large mass of inordinately gullible DBs (donor beings). (example: Ordering a DB to pay $500,000 to re-acquire their dormant godlike supernatural powers, which is then followed by another order to sell 7.2 billion other DBs on this planet the same "bridge package" and thereby "clear the planet"--after which they are given yet another order to "salvage this sector".)

    .
     
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  12. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Gold Meritorious Sponsor

    .

    LOL "sci-fi limiter" LOL

    I like waking up to and sipping my first cup of edgy strong black coffee along with reading some edgy strong black humor on ESMB; I am doing both right now, thanks to your post, on this planet.

    Just out of curiosity, do you also post on other planets? LOL

    - - -​



    post script: I just had a thought, there might be an ascending Hubbardian "scale" in reference to who has the highest STATUS and/or RANK within the cult, a metric defined by which advanced sci-fi LimiterTechtm they are authorized to use. To wit:

    CLEARS: Authorized to use the sci-fi limiter "on this planet"​

    OTS: Authorized to use the sci-fi limiter "in this sector"​

    CULT GURU: Authorized to use the sci-fi limiter "in this universe".​

    ASCENDED CULT GURU: Authorized to use the sci-fi limiter "at this Target" (i.e. Target 2); or, alternatively, "in this Bluebird Motorhome"​

    .
     
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2018
  13. JustSheila

    JustSheila Crusader

    Oh goody! A survey! :happydance:

    1. The last time I was in session was on the PAC RPF. It took an entire year for them to finish my sec checks to route out because I was such an SP.

    2. No. I would have been much happier to leave without any sec checks or RPF.

    3. No, of course not. I am an immortal being who never ages, so I never get sick or have accidents. I'm 326 years old now but feel like a teenager.

    4. I don't think so. Those people are crazy. They pretend they were around during the French Revolution or shook Jesus' hand and they're only like 25 years old.

    5. This is a grammatical error. There is only someone else to benefit from auditing if there is somebody who would benefit and there isn't anybody. You can all benefit from an accredited college grammar course, though.
     
  14. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Gold Meritorious Sponsor

    .

    Cross posted from another thread discussing the Scientology "Ethics Conditions" and the concept of doing whatever was "The greatest good for the greatest number of Dynamics":

    "The Greatest Good For Scientology" actually meant "The Greatest Good For The Greatest Guru"--either Hubbard or Miscavige, the infallible OTs saving the planet and singlehandedly salvaging this sector.

    Scientology is all about the greatest glory, power and money for the guru atop the command channel. Yes, that is correct, spiritual salvation is best accomplished by Messiahs in military uniforms and people who smartly salute them and instantly execute their orders without insubordination or allowing their reactive mind to key in the evil purpose known as conscience.

    Scientologists were, by definition, people convinced that the sociopathically avaricious and sadistically Conniving Cult Commanders in the C-Suite (Commodore/Cob) were selflessly doing all this to just to help them go free, with prosperity & justice for all. But first, you had to "flow all your money power uplines" to the big benevolent boss being---who would know what to do with it in order to help you, the degraded being.

    lol

    .
     
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  15. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Gold Meritorious Sponsor

    LOL

    Alas, the precarious pathos of SPs!

    Because all Scientologists are SPs (Suppressive Preclears).

    They just don't know they are suppressive.

    And Senior Scientologists don't know they are suppressive.

    Even their case supervisor, FSM and registrar don't know they are suppressive.

    But, as their suppressive personality becomes unburdened as they undergo many hundreds of hours of auditing, it becomes obvious that they are quite evil, requiring that they be declared, disconnected & destroyed.

    This is the miracle of Scientology--the breathtaking discovery that any being who does not respond to the 100% workable tech (by gaining the supernatural powers of a Clear & OT) is a "no-case-gain" SP; yet, the tech is so miraculously powerful that even SPs attain the Bridge "EP" (Evil Person).

    All Scientologists (save the sole savior in control of the gold paper stock and mimeo machine) are evil. Thankfully, Scientology's OT leader is not DevT'd nor deterred from their spiritual mission here on Earth, which is the depositing of checks.

    .
     
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  16. wigee1

    wigee1 Patron with Honors

    All turned to shit, because of that mime o machine, that's the why ,Granitt
     
  17. cleared cannibal

    cleared cannibal Silver Meritorious Patron

    I have had a particularly few stupid messages from Scn lately.

    Maybe they can play this one at one the multi religious gatherings they are promoting to look like a regular religion.


    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


    Hi -----,
    Have you ever wondered about the subject of God?
    For that matter, have you ever wondered why you aren’t able to use your inherent God-like abilities?
    What happened to them? How can you get them back?
    In the legendary Classic lecture Man the Animal & Man the God, LRH describes how to bring an individual all the way up to OT—a state similar to that of a god.
    And you'll learn how to reverse the traps and successive individuation which prevent you from reaching that state!



    “As we break these barriers down, of old individuations, we simply have a person walking up to the top of the Eighth Dynamic, anyhow. We don't have to do anything about putting him on top of the Eighth Dynamic, then, except to knock out his own interferences with his own being there.”—LRH, lecture Man The Animal & Man the God (28 January 1958)
    In this lecture, you'll learn:
    How do you experience the Eighth Dynamic? [track 8]
    What is the relationship between the Dynamics and the Tone Scale? [track 14]
    How do you prevent yourself from becoming overwhelmed? [track 7]
    Why does an individual become introverted? [track 12]
    Today I am offering you this vital lecture on CD (available in 17 languages) with the powerful LRH article Kindness.

    This rare LRH article, exerpted from the unreleased Washington Lectures, illustrates the true power of kindness. In it, you will learn:Is “being mean” ever the right way to handle a situation?
    What ability opens the door to kindness?
    How do you get along beautifully in life?
    Package Price: $15
    Free FEDEX shipping
    Learn How to Restore Your OT Abilities Now →
    If you're interested in a special offer for IAS members on completing the full Classics library, just write back and I'll give you the details!
    Sincerely,
    Patrick Howson
    Bridge Publications, Inc.
    323-888-6200

    PS: To get this offer before it expires, just go to this page here.
     
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  18. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Gold Meritorious Sponsor

    LOL

    That truly is the core stupidity of the Hubbard cult. I'd like to take a moment to answer that Sea Org staff member's question:

    QUESTION: "For that matter, have you ever wondered why you aren’t able to use your inherent God-like abilities?"

    ANSWER: No. But I have wondered why YOU aren't able to use YOUR inherent God-like abilities, especially since you are charging people more than $500,000 for it. You've been in Scientology 40 years full time and you don't have any of those "god-like abilities" that you so blithely brag about. Did it ever occur to you that you are in the winning blithe condescending valence of a mentally ill con man in a naval costume--who pretends that God-like abilities are so easy that everyone on Scientology upper levels can perform miracles?

    I have a sinking feeling that the letter registrar would not answer my question, but instead refer me to Ethics for daring to challenge his OT God-like powers. It's considered a "High Crime" and "Suppressive Act" in the cult to doubt anything an OT1 says.




    1 OT -noun: A person in Scientology who has a certificate that bears both their name and word "OT", written in fancy letters.
     
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  19. Enthetan

    Enthetan Master of Disaster

    It wouldn't get to the letter reg. The Dir Comm has the job of opening and reading all incoming mail, and sending any "entheta" to either Ethics or OSA.
     
  20. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Gold Meritorious Sponsor

    That explains why the news of Hubbard's death could not be sent simply as: "RON DIED".

    Because that would have been entheta and it would have been re-routed to ethics---and in 2018 (27 years after he died) Scientologists would still not know about it and they'd still be writing "letters to Ron".

    The handling was to very slightly alter the message from "RON DIED" to the almost identical: RON IS SO OT THAT HE NO LONGER NEEDS A BODY.

    That would have bee a super theta win!

    That's how the cult cons Scientologists into giving a standing ovation for the win of someone dying. LOL
     
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