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Featured 25 Years of Scn

Discussion in 'Stories From Inside Scientology' started by Twin A, Nov 16, 2007.

  1. Div6

    Div6 Crusader

    I nominate Twin A for President!

    Soapbox and everything.

    Did they route you out after your 3 Introspection Rundowns?

    Did anyone ever say "Hey, we just like giving people wrong indications and watch them flip out."?

    (That is the CORE MADNESS in the SO).

    To have transcended it all, and come up with your own 10 points of Keeping Twin A's mind working shows just what a stellar being you truly are.

    1/2 ack on the story so far...
  2. Dulloldfart

    Dulloldfart Squirrel Extraordinaire

    I haven't read that in a while. Isn't he talking about policy for any organization generally, rather than some specific "when I'm gone" time?

  3. Terril park

    Terril park Sponsor

    Yes very broad and general.

    HCOPL 13 march 1965 III
    "Periodic sweep-outs of antiquated and didactic laws (rather than general concepts and subpurposes)~must~be undertaken by a being, organisation, group or race or species."
  4. Twin A

    Twin A Patron with Honors

    More Chapter 11

    I wrote this big long great story the night before last and my computer crashed and it was gone! :hmmph: So I have to remember to save my drafts every once in a while...

    I left off around 1988, but I want to back up a little, throw in some more 1987.

    I became official staff at Gold and the Camera department in June of 1986, late June 1986. The first film I was put to work on, as the Video Playback (VIDEO IC) person, was the public film with Gary Emhoff playing the football player who cured himself of being paralyzed in a football accident. I felt it was valid that a guy could run his own engram and psychosomatic problem away. I had no reason to question this. I'd been told that LRH had done so in fact, when he'd been "injured and blinded" in the war (I didn't know that this was not true, I've since read Chris Owen's articles about L. Ron Hubbard's life accounts compared to actual navy and other records) Because I believed in what we were filming, I was very enthusiastic towards doing my new job. I got yelled at a LOT, because I was new and I didn't really understand my equipment yet, nor all my duties. I considered it "scream hatting". I did something "wrong", I got screamed at. I did something right and there was silence. Well, and even sometimes a friendly smile. Not all of the Cine crew were short with me. Joe C. had a temper and was short quite a bit. Josh H. on the other hand wasn't as short, but he got short too. Jesse Magnuson fluctuated between being short and angry with me and being extremely friendly.

    There was one video shoot we were on in San Diego on location. The girls all had to stay in one hotel room. There were only two beds and there were 5 women. I was thinking I was going to be assigned to the floor, but as soon as Sheri picked the left side of one of the beds, someone else said, "I'll take the floor" instantly, so I was stuck with the other side of the bed with Sheri. That night, Sheri rolled over in her sleep and wrapped herself around me. It was apparently a habit of hers to cuddle in her sleep, sleep cuddling. Some of the other women knew that and had avoided sharing a bed with Sheri. Sheri of course as oblivious to all this. She would never remember anything she did while she was asleep. Well, I didn't mind really, but in the morning, I got laughed at, "Oh you slept with Sheri, and you didn't mind?" "You lesbo" :whatever:

    While in San Diego, I almost walked away from everything. The whole Sea Org I mean. I sometimes wished I had. It was during a film shoot in a shop on a downtown side street in San Diego. Kind of a historic building. The lighting was very poor and I told the Crew chief, the Director and the lighting guy that I thought that the lighting wasn't bright enough. The fact is is that they did not bring enough lights on the shoot to light a tiny shop up well enough. It was ridiculous. They also had no generator and had to rely on the circuits in this old building for all the lights. The circuits kept getting blown. I didn't have a "solution" , so I was just "complaining" --- but I'd been told by this reference in my hat pack, that if I didn't like the shot, I had to "say something". It didn't say that I had to solve the problem too! Anyway, Joe who was Directing and Jesse who was lighting got really mad at me. Told me basically to "shut the f____ up."

    I was just doing my job and I did not like getting yelled at and treated like I was just some kind of barking dog or enemy to the shoot. Of course, I was a rebel, so someone telling me to "shut up" just made me complain louder. I went and talked to the Cine Secretary and told her that the shot was going to be "blown" and she might as well go ahead and start looking for another location for the re-shoot. She was furious. She confronted Jesse and the Director and the Crew Chief and told them that they better not "blow" the shot. They all rallied and teamed up against me and told me I was wrong, that it was not too dark. That it just looked that way on video and it was my fault that the video wasn't set right and bla bla bla. Well I ended up just getting poo pood and the Cine Sec got mad and said that I should not give her "alarming reports" like that or third party the Director to her, etc etc. I got chewed out. While I was getting chewed out, someone had asked me to roll the video and I missed it. The whole crew came out of the building to see the video playback and I didn't have it ready. Jesse practically spit in my face and screamed at me, "Do your Godamn job and stop being CI and trying to stop this film shoot!" in front of everyone. I just turned around and walked away...

    I looked at some of the old buildings in San Diego and I noticed that it was a nice day for a walk around the block. I walked for maybe a block, then I started to cry. I WAS trying to do my job. Our motto at Gold was supposed to be "do it right the first time", the motto my step father had taught me was, "if you are going to do something, do it right". I was going to see if I could find my Grandparents in the phone directory and see if I could stay at their apartment. I wanted to go home to my Mom. I was upset. It seemed Jesse and Joe and even the Cine Sec had no sense of quality control. They just wanted to shoot crap and waste my time and land me and the rest of the film crew into ethics trouble...

    Jesse I guess realized that he'd upset me and he came after me. He apologized and practically begged me to come back. He said he couldn't run the video without me and the crew needed me. He said Joe was sorry too. I kind of wiped my eyes and sniffled, "Really?" "Yeh", Jesse said,"and we were able to make it brighter, you were right" And so I went back. I looked at the scene and it still looked too dark, but I really didn't have the energy to keep persisting on getting something resolved. When the shooting was over for the day, the film got sent to the lab. The next evening, the shots were projected with a film projector. The shot was way too dark and it was rejected by the Rushes Dept. just as I had predicted. I wanted to say "I told you so", but what I realized the problem was way more complex than just not being able to light this one shot, on that one location in San Diego. Jesse, Joe, Sand-the Cine Sec and I did not get along well at all. I still had my stuck-up CMO attitude towards them and they thought of me as a "busted Messenger" kid and so we just never got along well. I had to earn their respect and they had to earn mine.

    When I was helping on the "Married Couple Film", I believe that Joe and I started finally to get along better. Andy Yarrow & Lee Purcell helped me with this actually. I had gotten to be friends with Andy, we'd stay up late in my office sometimes and Andy would tell me stories about the film crw in the 70's when LRH was directing. He told me about how the Director should not have to worry about the camera equipment, and he should be able to keep his focus on the creative aspects of the film. I took this to heart and I tried to help Joe when he was directing, by moving the camera equipment as fast as I could to wherever he needed it. I'd stay more in tune with him and what he needed and wanted camera wise and try not to distract him from his creative job.

    Lee Purcell helped because she was such a great actress that Joe actually wasn't wasting his time with his direction. She could work with him and create a good character on film. She was the first real professional actress that the Gold film crew had ever worked with and we all learned a great deal from it.

    Lee Purcell insisted on having an "eye-light" on her close shots. She also insisted on having a softened key light (not creating such harsh shadows) because it enhanced her beauty. She was right, she knew better how to light herself than our lighting crew originally did and they learned a new and improved lighting style from her. Lee, also, since she sat at the Captain's table during meal breaks, was a big influence on David Miscavige and his orders regarding the Cine Division. If Lee was upset about something, he would be the first to hear about it and he'd order it fixed. An example was our schedule. Despite having a multi page LRH Executive Directive telling us what our schudule was supposed to be, we continued to shoot late into the night and then schedule early morning shoots the next day. Lee refused to do this. She demanded that we not shoot late, and that we start at a decent hour in the mornings. Because of this, the Married Couple Film actually had a much better filming schedule and I managed to get 7 hours of sleep during this time period. I even had some time to wake up early and play tennis on occassion. Gabe, the Sets Chief and I would take his van to a tennis court and get a game in before work. I was able to excercize, got some more sleep and I was generally in a better mood because of this. Thank you Lee.

    Lee also complained about the women's bathroom in the Cine studio. She'd turned it on one day after a shoot and a bunch of rust/iron deposites came out of the faucet. It was so thick and dark red that she thought it was blood and freaked out. She immediately told DM who ordered the entire Cine studio renovated starting with the women's bathroom first. At last, a decent bathroom in the studio! More hugs to Lee! Of course, I had to work hard on some of those renos, but at the time, it was my own" home", so I didn't mind. It was like someone saying, "Here is a bucket of money to make your bathroom look like something out of an Alice and Wonderland Book" -- you have to stay up all night to do it, but it's "yours" to use afterwards. I was young, so staying up wasn't a big deal yet. Hey, I loved the new bathroom! I don't know if it was Carol Cisco or Barry Stein that designed it, but I did like those designs. Every new office of the studio got designed to be like something out of a classic literature book. My office, with the video and sound gear, eventually got made to look like Jules Verne's Twenty thousand Leagues Under the Sea. I even had a fancy deep sea diving helmet sitting on my admin table just for looks. It was big enough to actually wear!

    Many areas of Cine improved to impress Lee. We didn't want to scare her away. She'd been told what a bunch of bungling idiots the Gold shoot crew were, how we were always "off-schedule", cussed on the set, had reshoots all the time, etc. and we had to prove her wrong. We had to show her that we could be a professional crew. We tried not to yell and swear on the set around her. We tried to follow a schedule. The fact that she was willing to spend her time nurturing us in many ways up to a higher standard was saint like of her. The Sets Department actually made some of their most impressive sets for the co-audit scenes at the end of the movie than they had ever made. At one point, Jennie Devoghts dad, the Producer Art Linson (who had finished the Untouchables I believe around this time) was given a tour of the Married Couple end scene set. He went through it and he said, "It seems like a waste to make such a great set for 16mm filming." Thus was planted the seeds to upgrade to 35mm!

    The Married Couple film lasted in orgs and missions longer than most of the films before having to get reshot. It was reshot eventually in 2001 I think, because it had some SPs in it (me included! as an extra. Apparently one of the minor Celebrity Center actors we'd gotten for the unfaithful flashback memory scene had written some kind of expose book about his experiences in Scientology, that did not cast a good light on us "Scientologists". Overall, the Married Couple film was an example of an actually half way decent film made by the film crew. The ideal of being able patch up a marriage through honesty and openness was something I thought was cool. I imagined it was a cool idea unique to Scientology since my Mom was twice divorced. I figured divorce was some evil thing and "Scientology" had THE answer. At least until I was forced into a divorce because it was correct "Scientology". I didn't know that if the divorce was dictated administratively that one isn't allowed to get a co-audit, as I was not allowed before I had to sign divorce papers.... but that's a later story.

    The film History of the E-Meter also got done around this time. These films are only about 15 to 20 minutes long on 16mm film, so it was expected that we got them done production wise within two weeks. Unfortunately, we didn't have a sepearate pre-production crew going ahead of us prepapring films, so we would always start preparing and start shooting at the same time. We'd be stumbling over ourselves and the shoots would stretch out for months sometimes. There was one film that was done within the two week time expectancy! I will say that one later... ha ha suspense...

    During the preparations for the History of the E-Mter film, I met Don Breeding. He was brought out the base to fix up all the old e-mters that were to be used and shown in the filming. He had to not only work with Props to make them look good and like the "original", but he also had to get them to work electronically. That was not an easy task. I was assigned on some occassions to help Don with this. I'd gotten a reputation for being able to work well with and assist these eccentric geek like people :geekon: (Andy Yarrow being one of them. When I was a CMO Messenger, he'd always ask for my help when he was on a deadline to finish a submission to LRH of some strange gadget he was making. He'd ask for me and no one else. It wasn't just because I was cute, I actually had an incredible interest and talent for wood and metal work and electronics work. Things requiring fine detail.) Don Breeding liked to chat and tell me stories about when he knew LRH. He apparently was one of the people who helped to invent and produce the first solid state e-meters, no tubes. Don wanted to marry me, but I had to say NO because he was too old for me :melodramatic: He bought me my first Swiss Champion Swiss Army Knife. It never left my belt loop from day onwards. I still have it.

    Andy Yarrow also was getting the hots for me and he wanted me to marry him, but he was over 20 years older than me and I did not see that it would be cool. It made me very uncomfortable that he kept asking, practically begging me sometimes. There was one day where he'd tried to explain that he was an illegal alien and if he didn't get married that certain SPs within INt or RTC, were going to use this to offload him and keep him from helping to accomplish LRH's goals for the Sea Organization and Scientology's future. I actually did sort of see his point of view, but it didn't change the fact that I was not attracted to older men. Sorry Andy. I did really care about you. Andy actually invented a better e-meter can back in '87 with the banana plug connector (that's what we called it, not sure what it's actually called) on top and everything, to get rid of the unreliable alligator clips. But his idea apparently "cost too much money" and met with a great deal of resistance from RTC staff. Andy became indignant and rebelious complaining of "being stopped" by suppressives. He got into some hot water with RTC and Greg Wilhere declared him a Suppressive Person and sent him to the RPF's RPF. That's the last place I saw Andy. I saw Andy on the RPFs RPF and I knew I was not allowed to speak to him, but I approached him anyway in January 1988 to tell him I'd gotten married to Bruce Bolstad. Andy left the next morning and blew. I hope that Andy was able to have a good life. He was an excellent craftsman and engineer, I considered him one of my best friends. I hated having to push him away because he wanted to be more than just friends.

    While working on the e-meter fix up project, I met Greg Huff, who was working out of the Upper RAV (Ron Audio and Visual Dept.) Office in a sectioned off area. He was working on getting the Super 7 prototype done and setting up how to produce them in mass. There were more and more people being assigned to work with him, because the Super 7 release ws coming up. A bunch of new people came up to gold for this project and eventually went into the new HEm department , or to some other part of Gold. The quals for Gold were lightened up for these new people because many of them were "just for the project" but most of them ended up staying on Gold staff. Greg Huff eventually was CommEvd and sent to the RPF, but his RPF assignment made no sense to me. There was some genralized stuff in there about how he had made mistakes that harmed the Super 7 release, but I had not really seen what. Many of these new HEM staff would experience what it was like to put in all-nighters. So just when I was about to be doing repeated all-nighters in Cine , HEM staff were already doing it for the Super 7 release. It seemed that the habit of planning International Events with newly package book & course releases, new e-meter colors or upgrades, new films to watch and new IAS medal winner videos had begun... the habit of planning them in such a way that the only way to pull them off was to not sleep for weeks before every event. I'd hoped that as we got better at our respective jobs, that the hustle and the sleeplessness before events by all the departments at Gold would become better. You know, the 'cope and organize' policy. But this would never happen. The more organized we got, the more work we got handed to do. It is of my opinion that DM purposefully didn't want anyone to get any sleep. Only because I'd experienced the reverse, where DM in order to keep Lee Purcell interested in working with us, could order us to be on schedule and we WERE. So, one had to WANT and INTEND for the crew to get adequate sleep before they would. It had to be planned for. Sleep had to be scheduled in. I wished that more Celebrity's had been like Lee and said, "If I walk onto the set in the morning and the crew are not well rested, I'm walking out... " but eventually Lee too even lightened up. We kept her up very late during the filming of the Orientation film in '94 and I don't remember her complaining a whole hell of a lot. I'd wondered what had changed. If she had somehow become afraid of Scientology Mgmt instead of thinking she had a right to demand professional conduct from the crew.

    Also in '87 earlier, Gold got Lon Tinney (an SFX guy who'd worked on Star Wars apparently) to help us on some special effects shots, for an ad for the newly edited SOLO FILMs containing a big volcano, asteroids bursting into flame while they shot towards camera, and a really cool star field with glittering stars that passed by the camera lens. Lon was useful on the flaming asteroids shot, but the starfield idea he had really bombed out. Andy Yarrow and I made our own starfield, stayed up late for a couple of hours and poked holes in a big piece of black construction paper and then filmed it with lights behind it. Our starfield actually passed the test and looked good on film. Lon's starfield, costing thousands of dollars more, melted and could not be used. He'd had us buy really expensive smoked plexiglass, then paint it with really expensive black non-reflective paint. Then carefully scratch holes in the paint and point very bright lights through the plexi towards the camera. The lights melted the plexi and it warped, and the black paint chipped off. The stars also were not bright enough and did not expose on film. Wasting about 2,000 just on one test. The construction paper cost nothing because we already had rolls of it. I'm not sure what Lon was thinking, but Andy thought Lon was a nut and Lon thought Andy was a nut. I learned from this that sometimes that talking didnt solve an argument, one had to do tests and use actual evidence. You could spend two hours arguing whether plexi or construction paper would be better ( calling each other nuts) but shooting a test on film and playing it in the theater was the only way to solve that argument. I guess I did learn some useful things from my Sea Organization experience :yes: . I'm sure I could have learned that working in any team work type environment. Working for Disney or Paramount or Microsoft or even a small Mom and Pop type shop. It's just plain life experience, nothing that "Scientology" or the "Sea Organization" has a monopoly on.

    One of my claims to fame was that I did have great physical stamina, I could stay up all night and remain coherent. I was young and healthy. I had lifted weights in high school so I was also very strong. I continued to lift weights when at Gold at a small weight lifting room in the Lodges area, not too far from the GYM. Oh, the "Gym" was a slang term for the smaller Cine studio on the south side of the Int base property. The area it was built originally was not zoned for a film studio, so when it was built, the "shore story" was that it was a Gym --- you know, the kind of gym with basketball courts and all that. Either that, or it was a real Gym and it got converted into a studio later. Around 1988, the weight lifting room was closed down and a new state of the art weightlifting room was built later on the south east side of the property. There was one big problem with the new weight room. No one could use it unless they were one of DMs buddies. It was like his weight room and he didn't let just anyone into it. So, for years I was unable to lift and maintain my strength. It pissed me off, and became a big problem for me. The more and more tasks and skills I got while in the Cine crew that required good physical health and strength, the more I needed to stay in shape. Without some way to excersize effectively, in a place near where I was most of the time, the studio, opened me up to future injuries and problems. I thought it was extremely selfish of DM to keep the weight room only for him and his friends. But I kept my thoughts to myself, let them build up until later, so that they would get me sent to the RPF... hey, I keep jumping ahead... that's later.

    In the end of 1987, I met and thought I'd fallen in love with Bruce Bolstad. He asked me to marry him and said he loved me. He was drunk actually at the time, it was during a Christmas Eve Party. Gold did have some funny Christmas partys in the early days before Christmas got cancelled later on. We used to have these talent shows, Colwell would come out dress in a Santa Clause outfit or Leroy would and we'd all sing Christmas songs. Spike Bush used to be a singer for the Blue Oyster Cult ( I think that was the band) professionally, so he'd get up on stage in some tight leather pants and belt out some rock songs. He was pretty good! Cynthia, (held MLO for a long time) could sing really well and she'd get up and sing oldies tunes too. Things like "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to" There was one Christmas Eve or Bosun's Party rather, where Bruce Plotz (this tall goofy looking guy with a long beard and glasses, total techno geek with no sense of style) got up on stage and dressed up like a black man with an afro and performed the song "Shaft" while backed up by the Gold Musicians and/or the Galley band. I laughed so hard, my eyes watered and I could hardly see. My stomach hurt for a week from all the laughing. All the Galley staff had special talents, banjo, harmonica, guitar , drums, all very talented creative people. Plotz also sang some other song with opera like voice quality that really astounded and shocked all of his. Plotz wasn't just a geek, he could really sing! John Devries got up once and sang The Righteous Brother's song, "you've lost that loving feeling" and he smoked. All the girls cooed at him and he probably ate that up. When us gold crew were allowed to party, we had some really damn great party's. People got drunk too. Oh, and sometimes someone would end up in trouble from an "out 2D " thing, but it never seemed like the end of the world to me that Gold was allowed to have partys. Sometime in the mid 90's the party stuff really changed. Gone were some of those fun and funny times. Don't know if it picked up after I left in 2000 or not, but I heard that it most likely didn't. I'd have to say that if I missed anything in the SO, it was these talent shows. I also kind of miss having a Domestic Services staff take care of my menu planning and cooking. I enjoy now learning how to cook and make my own meals. I can eat whatever I want and have broken free from some of the menu restrictions I'd had in the SO. I love Lamb and seared Ahi Tuna and Borsch with only beets... specialty dishes that we never got in the SO. Maybe DM got them, but us common folk didn't. In general, it was kind of cool to have my meals all cooked for me every day and that 's on the list of things I sort of miss once in a while. :bigcry:

    Well, Bruce didn't retract his marriage proposal once he got sober and I was kind of thrilled to have a cute guy saying he was in love with me, so I agreed to marry him. He also had a big Scientology family and I thought maybe getting in with them would make me more secure in the Sea Org and Scientology. The Bolstad family was large and I felt that having that last name would help me somehow. Neither of use really knew what we were doing, we seemed to be getting married for all the wrong reasons. It didn't help that it was a rule in the SO that one had to get married before you could do more than just kiss, and we were attracted to each other, so... marriage was the next step. I made all these agreements with Bruce (that we didn't keep, but c'est la vie) that we wouldn't divorce over an RPF assignment, we wouldn't divorce if either of us got into ethics trouble, we would work it out. OK, we agreed. Then, We flew off to Las Vegas on New Years day off 1988. Got hitched. We were both so nervous and also exhausted from our schedules, that our honeymoon was nothing to brag about. It was kind of embarrassing. Upon our return to Gold, there was a month or more where we did not have a space together yet. I had to find a room for us, So then we did spend some time together and we started to get to know each other. The chemistry between us wasn't that great, so our relationship started to fizzle out right at the beginning. I was beginning to get worried about my sexuality a little bit, and Bruce became preoccupied with his new promotion to CST,also known as Archives. He and I were separated. The next time we would be together would be in 1991 and 92 and it was not a happy time for us as a couple. We really needed to sort some things out, get some quality time together and that time never happened. My longest work hours were in the 90's. When we finally did have a room in an apartment together. I'd get home and Bruce would already be asleep. I'd wake up and he'd still be asleep. If I did get home on time to see him, it would have been after I hadn't been home for three or four days and I'd just want to sleep. On days when I did have a little time at night, Bruce was working late in the canteen paying off some debt he'd gotten from a mistake on post. It seemed like he was a canteen working slave for a while for whatever financial mistakes he'd apparently made. What a sob story :violin:

    Early '88 things were really happening with regards to e-meter production. A whole new flock of recruits/transfers flooded into Gold.: Jenny Pomerantz, Jessica Plummer, Damian, Kiva, Trinity, Chuck L. Neils, Joel, Wally, Becket. All these young new people came up to get enough Mark Super VIIs made in time for the March 13th release. I helped on some all-handses, but I was never super -nvolved like they all were. Along with March 13th products that needed to be available for release, there was also the videos that needed to get shot and shown, and the visuals, and whatever film was going to also be shown. I was more and more involved with event video production. I'd become popular with Ted Horner and Gary Weise and DM as a videographer rather than just an assistant. Busy Busy Busy. Others from Gold got rounded up to make sure the Mark VIIs made it on time, Marc Ferrera, Earl Newman, Bob Ferris, Angie Chacon, Jim and Sarah Cupp, Barry W. Sean Morrison, Jean Yves, Chris Cheny, Wendy Paulson, Sheldon, my sister Corinne, Todd Alexander, Robert Fulmer, Xavier, Randy Crites. It was quite a team that got thrown together nearly overnight to get these e-meters done. They worked round the clock. They had hardly enough room in the trailer spaces they'd been assigned. Sometimes I'd go over there and help on stuff, testing pots or other parts and there were always people falling asleep at their desks. Sometimes they'd get yelled at and told to go outside and run around to wake up. The HEM Dept had long list of people who attempted to cover the HEM Dir post betweem 88 and 91. Greg Huff, Gail Mortenson, Jim Cupp, My sister, Dana Albert, Todd Alexander and Susie Bennick. I think Susie lasted the longest if I recall correctly. It was definately really a hot spot.

    In 1988, summer, the film crew had finished up a version of the TRs in Life Film. I was TOLD that COB was happy that we'd done this film and as a reward, we were going to get to do the New Officer's Training Program on board the Freewinds. So, off we Iwent to the Freewinds for the Officer Training School program run by James Byrne. One of the first tasks we were all given was to clean out the bilges of the Freewinds. This was the lowest part of the ship where dirt and muck collected. Kind of like a giant shower drain and we had to clean out the goop stuck in the shower train's trap. We cleaned those bilges so clean that the public could have come down and eaten down there! We also got to clean out the Port Engine pistons. We had to put on some overalls and wrap our hair up to try and keep the oil and grease out, but it was impossible. The place was over 100 degrees inside, so we would sweat profusely and the grease and oil would just drip down into every nook and cranny of our bodies. Our undewear got completely destroyed. To lighten things up, myself and some of the other girls had this funny idea. We decided one day, that before we went and got cleaned up for the day, we'd visit the engineers upstairs in the control room. There were three or four of us and we went upstairs, still had our greasy coveralls on and our hair wrapped unneatly with a greasy rag. We looked like sometthing out of an alley in a Bladerunner movie. We lined up next to each other and we performed to the song "Bilge Thing". It was our version of the song "Wild Thing". It went something like this, " Bilge Thing... duh duh da da duh, You make my Heart Sing (we'd put our hands on our hearts while kind of stepping to the rythm a little), you make evereeeething sooo greasssy... (we'd put our hands up in the air and kind of shimy down to the floor and back up, wrapping our arms around ourselves on the way up) duh duh da da duh, Bilge Thing... I think I Love you ( arms open as if for an embrace) .... " We did the whole song with our own lyrics . It was hilariously funny. The engineers were laughing so hard. One of them had called the Captain down, and he saw some of it too. We'd kind of gathered a crowd. My team IC, I think it was Louise, told me that she thought I was flirting with the engineers. How does dressing up and dancing in a dirty, smelly jumsuit equate to flirting??? :whatever:

    The Officer Training School consisted of retreading our Product Zero, Sea Organization basics courses and then doing extra courses such as the Able Bodied Seaman checksheet, the helmsman specialist course, lookout specialist course, and some Officer Training type courses. We'd work really hard during the day either in the engine room, or up on deck, and then study at night. We had only about 15 to 20 minutes to shower and change for course. It was rigorous. It was all I could do to stay awake on course at night, I'd get really exhausted. There was one morning where I was up on the sundeck for muster, and in the middle of one of Jame's famous Chinese School readings, I literally passed out. I fainted. I had some trouble standing up. I had to sit for a while. Someone got me some salt and water. I turned down the salt because I'd already had a bunch. someone suggested maybe potassium. So I took that, and some cell salts. I got taken to the MLO who was a Doctor who had joined the SO to be on the Freewinds. She took my temp and it was very high, and my throat was swollen, so I was sent to ISO. The cook, carolyn, was in there also in iso. I was there almost a week. I could hardly swallow food, and even had a hard time breathing (later on I found out I had an allergy to iodine, but I didn't know it then and thought it was a regular cold with a sore throat). But with rest, I got better. James Byrne came by to check on me and he handed me a survey about the OTS program. On the back were questions about any comments I had. I wrote that I wasn't qualified to do the program, I had a "study bug" and I didn't think I could make it. James read this part of the survey and he opened the door to the iso room and said, "Oh you POOR POOR THING. Booo hooo hooo" Well, that got me riled up and I was up in the morning, back in line at muster, going to try and finish the program the next day. My days of self pity were over.

    Bitty Miscavige from the Int Landlord office came to the ship. I guess to inspect all the renos that had been finished onboard. She noticed that Louise Shekter (who was an SO Vet asked to come help us with the films as a Director, she'd done a couple film with us before getting sent to the Freewinds) still had her stripes on. I think it was Warrant Officer, or maybe Midshipman? Louise had been given a rank by LRH when she was on the Apollo earlier. Louise had to route out because she had a baby boy with a heart defect and she had to take care of him, not in the SO. Bitty showed Louise some OODs item (that's Orders of the Day, yet another form of LRH writing and instruction, mostly geared towards current events on the ship I suppose) by LRH that said desertion has a penalty of loss of rank. So Bitty, since she'd lost her rank from having to leave the SO earlier to have kids, decided that Louise should lose her rank for having to leave the SO to take care of her son. Louise was shattered emotionally. For days she just cried all the time. There was no consoling her, she'd lost something LRH had given her that she didn't think she would ever lose and she was justifiably upset. She got assigned to work alone in the bilges for a while. I was the next lower in rating, I was a PO 1, so I got made the dorm IC and the team IC. The dorm the women had was so full, there was one person on the floor. Since I was the dorm IC, I had to assign Louise to the floor since she had the lowest rank/rating now. I did not like having to do that. When Katie Tigh went back to SMI, a lower bunk freed up and I let Louise have that. Aside from that one heavy moment, much of the Freewinds, for me, was kind of fun and adventureous. When Katie left, we gave her a going away party she would not forget: The guys Tom, Micky, Josh, and some others put on some really dark sun glasses and pretended to be Stevie Wonder. They sat on the floor next to each other in front of Katie ( we were in the Starlight Caberet area) kind of looking up and sang "Isn't she lovely...." There was someone else making a crying baby sound in the background. It was so damn funny. :roflmao:

    There was a student graduation ceremony that was held on board the Freewinds where the staff were allowed to share their wins along with the public. There was a big flap when we did this because some of the public Scientologists, the OT 8s got jealous of the wins us staff were having on the OTS program. They had gone and demanded that they too get to do the OTS Program. We were not allowed to share our wins along with the Freewinds public after that. We also were kind of stunned. It did seem to me that the OT 8's were not that thrilled with what they were doing. Here was the top, highest level of Scientology and the public did not seem that happy. It gave me some pause, but not that long. I parked it away for later. :confused2:

    Gold stopped sending food money to the Freewinds for us, so the Freewinds had to put us all on rice and beans (except for me because I'd made friends with the cook and she brought me out peanut butter and honey sandwiches). The Captain of the ship came in to tell us that he wanted to make sure we knew that it wasn't because he was punishing us, he thought we were a great crew and respected all of us. He was just having trouble picking up our food tab. We made an agreement to do more work around the ship, take less study time, if we were ahead on our courses and were waiting for the others in the team to catch up. This was to earn better food. After a couple of weeks of that, we started getting better food. The Captain really liked our work.

    Now, talking about respect, that reminds me of something funny I did on Sea Org Day in early August. After the formal awards ceremony and all that, there was a party. At the party, Linda Greilich (who was a very good singer with us from the Music Dept. ) and about three others of us, dressed up like Gladys Night and the Pips. I put on an afro wig and a sparkly dress. I was a pip! We performed the song RESPECT. It was an Aretha Franklin song, but we made it fit. Linda did the main vocals and was stellar as usual and us other girls did back up. We'd kind of bend our knees a little to the rythm and lean in a little once in a while and say "OOH" or "just a little bit..." or back up the chorus with "R E S P E C T". We did one other song, but I can't remember it. I just remember how much fun that was and how funny it was. The Freewinds crew were in absolute stiches watching us. During the day on SO DAY, we went to the beach in Curacauo. This really cute aussie guy named Shane, an engineer, invited me snorkeling and we went out for a really long time snorkeling around. What a magnificent day for me. I will never forget it, all those fish, clown fish and parrot fish and colorful sea plants. Shane taught me which ones not to touch, were poisonous and showed me different snorkeling techniques. Later, we went up on the sand and played volleyball. I tried to rest a bit on a towel and Shane came by and dumped ice all over me. I just had to chase him around for that! Someone, don't remember who (it may have been Jan Lew) , just had to say, "You are married to Bruce, stop flirting with Shane" For crying out loud! I wasn't giving him a blow job, I was just trying to get him back for throwing ice cubes all over me. Arghhh.

    As we got more and more experience with the deck assignments, we could get the work done faster and have a little extra time to shower and get changed, or to organize the paint locker area. We completely cleaned out and organized the paint locker. The Freewinds crew loved that we did this, however, we had some problem with the paint not drying on the paint locker floor. I guess we'd maybe put it on too thick. So it wasn't perfect. But it was something we did "on our own time" because we were faster on our other projects, so we got some points for it. There was one day where Sheri and I had this idea of volunteering to clean the Port anchor well and fix up some rust spots, do some painting. We put on our bathing suits under our uniforms and went out to work that day with a bag full of snorkeling gear, flippers etc. As the sun was setting and our project was finishing, we had our spotter pull up our paint bucket for us. Oh, we were on a stage ( a board with a rope on each end so you could hang over the side of the ship and work on it) and the spotter stayed up top to make sure our safety ropes were tied and the stage stayed tied. There were many crew who had a fear of heights and felt uncomfortable being so high up hanging over the side of the ship, so on my team, I'd let them be the spotters. I was not afraid of heights. Sheri and I "fell " into the water with our flippers and snorkel gear on. It was in Aruba. The water was beautifully clean and clear. A great color blue, full of colorful fish. We were thrilled that we had gotten away with it. Or so we thought. It was such a great day for a swim. James Byrne saw us swimming, I guess he was up in the Bridge and could see us from up there. He came over to the Port side and sternly yelled down to us to get out of the water and come back to the ship. He had someone lower a rope ladder all the way down for us. We climbed up. We stood in front of James Byrne and tried to keep a straight face and said, "We fell in Sir" and he frowned and said, "Oh yeh, with your flippers on and your bathing suits under your uniforms? And we kind of snickered and said, "Yes Sir, we just happened to have those on" and he just could not keep a straight face and he laughed. We didn't get in trouble, even though we were late for our course that day. :coolwink:

    I learned a great deal on Officer's Training School and I really loved the Freewinds. I was upset later to learn there was an asbestos problem. So far I haven't had any ill effects, but I was only on the ship after all the bulkheads were pretty much all sealed up and renovated. It's a beautiful ship otherwise though. I learned so much about all the navy terms that LRH used in his writings. I've since found many of some of my favorite LRH writings actually come from his Navy training and can be found in Navy manuals. I also have a friend now who works for a large cruise liner out of Portland and she was trained much like I was on life boat safety, watch quarter and station bill duties on a ship, first aid, officer type training, and team work in a ships crew. Learning this type of thing isn't unique to the Sea Organization, but my experience was unique to me. I find that I can relate to people who have been in the military and who have been on cruise ships when before I probably woudl have had no clue. I was a landlubber and since then, I was never one again.

    At graduation, we all recieved little campaign bars for being OTS graduates. We also got our certificates. James Byrne came by and shoot hands with all of us. He stopped at me and when he shook my hand, he looked at me and said, You changed the most on this program, I am proud of you! and he gave me a big smile. I almost cried. Yeh, I went from not thinking I could make it to getting through all my courses ahead of time and getting all the deck work assignments done really well. I even had time to goof off and test the "upstats get protection" rule. And I did get protected when I did my little antics, so it did indeed seem to work for me. :thumbsup: That did kind of make me work harder. I mean, if it really did get me air cover, I did seem to find the energy to do that extra hard work. I liked getting away with things. :thumbsup:

    Upon our return to the base, we expected a happy greeting and to just get right back to work on the next film. Not So. We were about to get a big shock. :shark:

    The Estates Department had been told to renovate the Gym before our return. But they were not done. We arrived at night and we had not even settled in and unpacked when we all were mustered up by Andre Tabayoyan, at night, outside the Gym area. He told us that we were all assigned Liability. That COB was mad at us ,that we had been goofing off on "vacation" on the Freewinds while the Estates Crew were doing all of our jobs of renovating the gym. We now had to stay up and help to finish the renos. I was confused. I was told that DM had AWARDED us the OTS Program, that it was not a punishment. Why now were we being assigned Liability exactly? It was not clear to me. We then got briefed by John Paulson in CMO GOLD that NO ONE WAS TO GO HOME until their PRODUCTION LINES were upgraded and up for approval. Every type of work in Gold had a "Production Line" and it was a Comm Ev offense to unmock it. Well of course, to renovate the Gym, all the production lines had to be unmocked. We coudln't shoot anymore. Our gear was all outside. Some thousands of dollars of equipment, some of the Estates crew had left in the rain in an effort to meet their impossible TMS, our gear had not gotten looked after well. It was shocking as I said earlier. We had to scramble to get our equipment under some kind of cover from the rain and to start upgrading it all, helping in the renos and moving stuff back in. I took JP to heart and I worked flat out for four days and four nights on my production lines. The On Set Video Playback Line, the Location Video Line and the Special Effects Video line. Each with it's own rack of gear, wiring, labeling, cables to make, equipment to test and photograph and document. Flow charts to make. Manual packs to put together. It all had to be one complete package called a "Production Line' and once it got approved it was set in stone and could not be altered without Dept 21 approval. That was COB. Earlier it was "Spcl Pjt Ops," but around 1986, DM made up the title "Chairman of the Board RTC" . I guess he liked it better than Special Project Ops. He was slowly taking over complete control of everything. Vicki Azneran was still the IG RTC, but his new appointment made him her superior and she was not going to last very long under him...

    That reminds me, earlier on, before I'd gone to the ship. I was in my office and I had this photo sitting on my desk. It was the one I'd been handed from the LRH funeral event at the Universal Amphitheater. Next to the photo was the Flag Order appointing Pat and Annie as Loyal Officers. DM saw that on my desk and got extremely angry with me. He wouldn't even talk to me, he went to talk to my senior and said "What , is she a fan of f______g Pat and Annie?" It sounded like a rhetorical question so I didn't make an effort to answer. I didn't want to get accused of "backflash" if I responded (I'd learned that lesson earlier on). Well I found out that Pat had been declared a Suppressive for "trying to take over the OT Levels and the finances" And Annie was on the RPF. Wow. I had not known that. My mind raced with questions. If Pat was an SP after all, why wouldn't LRH have noticed? I mean didn't he study his own tone scale references? I was confused. I was on the PTS SP course and i was having trouble on the tone scale section. Was I wasting my time? I didn't know what to think. I tried to tune it out, save it for later. I removed the photo so that DM wouldn't get mad at me anymore. But I kept the old Flag Order somewhere secretly. I meant to get more info later if I could. It seemed logical to me that LRH had promoted himself. Much like he'd done when he went from Executive Director International and became the Commodore instead. He just did it again, he'd moved himself up to "Admiral". But who did he leave as the Commodore? No one. It seemed to me that 1) if LRH didn't turn over his hat and promote himself to Admiral, and 2) He just left of his own free will --- that 3) He had blown. So something did not ad up. Ok back to 1988:

    All the Cine crew got another briefing from Marc Yaeger, the CO CMO International. He explained that if we didn't get our studio back together and start producing right away, we would all get declared Suppressives for stopping Scientology Dissemination!!!! He said we'd get disbanded as a division and each individually declared SPs. Then the division would just get manned up with new people. I guess this was our test as Officer Training School graduates. We had just hit High Seas. OK, so I worked for four days and four nights and I got no sleep for the longest time ever. I think that was my record. I was on my fifth day up and I kind of "feel asleep" at my computer terminal. Ray ,from the editing dept. , came by and tried to gently shake me awake. I heard his voice like it was coming from a tunnel and he was calling me from far away. He had to go to morning muster and left. But I was struggling to get myself to wake up and just get my eyes open. Everything was really fuzzy. When I woke up, I was gasping for air and my lungs and throat were burning. My whole body had this strange tingling feeling like a hand or a foot that had fallen asleep and was waking up, but it was all over my whole body. My head was throbbing and my chest and lower neck area felt like someone had punched me really really hard. It was all cramped up. I had trouble standing up and so I crawled into the bathroom and I lifted myself up to the sink. I drank and drank water. I was so thirsty! I splashed water on my face. I felt so terrible. I was nauseous. I probably should have been hungry because I hadn't eaten breakfast yet, but I was mostly just thirsty. I decided that I really had to get some sleep. So I took my submission and I put it on the desk of my senior and I disappeared. I went and found some place where no one could find me. The OGH basement. At the time it was being used for storage. I just found a spot near the water heater and buried myself underneath some boxes, some old suitcases and mattresses and I fell asleep. I slept for four hours straight. When I woke up, I felt kind of sick, like I had a cold, but I was rested enough to go back and see what was going on with my submission. When I showed up near the Lodges, Marcus, who was holding Cine Sec at the time, came and yelled at me and wanted to know where I was. He'd had like five people looking for me for hours! My submission had one reject. i had to go to cramming and fix it immediately! He pulled a card from me. I got mad and said, " I don't have anymore cards, so just put it on my tab. I think I'm minus 20 anyway. I'll never have any cards for the rest of my life. Maybe I'll starve and live in the cold, is that what you F___ing want? And I'm not crammable, I've only had fours hours of sleep in the last five days, so I'll have to just fix my submission without all the mumbo jumbo. What the hell needs fixing?" I was so mad I was shaking. Marcus looked at me and frowned and said, " I had no idea you hadn't been sleeping". I looked around at some of the other staff who were standing next to Marcus and I said, "Didn't you get the orders to not go home until you were done? I did." Wilson was standing next to Marcus and he said, "Yeh, but we snuck off and got SOME sleep." :omg: I felt soooo stupid. I was the only one who actually obeyed John Paulson and Andre's "no sleep" orders. No one else really had. Well, I was actually one of the first people to finish setting up and documenting all my production lines, so I guess I had that. I learned the hard way that when someone says "no one goes home until you are done" in Cine, it didn't really mean shit to the Cine crew and I shouldn't have let it get to me either. I may have had a little heart attack from the lack of sleep and from subsisting on coffee and hotchocolate. We were on rice and beans, so I was just making myself coffee with some hot chocolate in it for meals. It wasn't all that healthy! I never did that again! I learned the hard way!

    I'm kind of missing a date on this incident but I think it was during this year sometime: there was this meeting at the court house in the County of Riverside, a public hearing was called to review the Conditional Use permit for the Gilman Hot Springs Property. It was originally zoned as a golf course and resort. Many neighbors on sublet road were upset when the Estates Gold staff and Landlord office tried to re-zone the property for different construction plans. The neighbors had been promised a Golf Course behind their houses and it influenced their real estate investments. There was also talk that Bent Corrydon and some of his friends would come to the public hearing and try to sway the decision. So the decision was that we would arrive way EARLY on a bus and take all the seats so that no one else would be able to sit down at the hearing. It meant that we all had to sit through long and boring hearings before us, but we had to do it. I was one of the one's that sat at the hearings. I think I fell asleep. I don't remember much of it. I do remember however, seeing someone carrying the "Messiah or Madman" book. I was curious, but afraid to ask about it. The guy seemed nice enough. He didn't really engage any of us in conversation. He just kind of hung out holding his book. He seemed harmless enough. I was going to ask him about the book when no one was looking, but I chickened out. So the judge I guess worked out a compromise, Gold refurbished at least nine holes of the Golf course, the part behind the real estate, and the rest of the zoning changes would get approved. A deal got made. Building 36 was one of the first new buildings to get made. The bricks used to build the walls were some kind of special styrafoam reinforced with another type of concrete or a foam inside the brick's cells. It was amazing cutting edge construction materials. The slabs/floors likewise were supposedly cutting edge. There was this new pro guy hanging out at Gold a lot. Maybe he wasn't new, but I saw him around far more often. It was Mike Smith, who was a professional contractor. He pretty much worked with the Landlord Office and Gold staff full time. He might as well have been SO, but he was spared that and was actually paid and had weekends off ocassionally. He was certainly spared all the musters and all-hands activities.

    HEM had to move into Building 36 first. They had to sneak into it in the beginning because the building had not been certified for occupation before they had to start moving. It could have been because CMU was needing their trailers over on the Northwest side of the property..

    Whew, I finally made it up to 1989. And this is only parts of it all! Like I said, never a dull moment. It's amazing what all of us could do when we just plain didn't sleep and thought we were saving the world!

    I'll venture a bit into 1989 before I post this chapter. I had a problem with my left eye and when I get tired, I am always reminded of it. I still have scar tissue from it and it makes my eye kind of throb when I'm tired, or I've been pointing my eyes at one place for a long time. There was this one night when I was fixing up some things on my Special Effects Video line. I was just neateining up some cables in the back. I was using these black wire ties, wrapping the wires and then cutting off the excess ends. John Paulson came through and saw that I wasn't done and it was getting near time to go home. He made it a point to make sure that I knew that I had to stay up until this project of neatening up my SFX line was finished and APPROVED at least by him. I had been hoping to go home in time to actually get some sleep and so when he broke the news that I had to stay up, I got kind of flustered. Him raising his voice at me and demanding an all-nighter kind of reminded me of the previous one. My "TRs" went out I guess and I turned my head away from him after I said, "yes Sir, I'll stay up and get this done" and I didn't see the wire tie still sticking out, it went right into my left eye. My left eye started watering and I wanted to go see someone, get some first aid or something. I really hurt. But no one was really around. So I just finished my project as best as I could, put a compliance report on John's desk, he was there the bastard, and I went to get some sleep. In the morning I had a very high temperature, a bad headache and plugged up sinuses. I felt horrible. I went to see Martine, theMLO, she gave me some antibiotics and an eye patch. She told me to get extra rest and try not to move my eye. It was "scratched" and I had to let it heal. I rest for about an hour when I was woken up by Joe Caneen. He said that I needed to come back into Cine for the special drill we were doing. We had done all these production drills as a team on our shoot crew duties, and we had kind of a show to put on for DM. Well it was a Shoot Crew drill on an actual shot . We had to shoot the shot in front of DM and show that we all could do our basic functions well. Someone thought that DM would come through that day and I had better not miss it. No one else could do my job as the Video playback engineer. So I was sitting in my office, with a cold, and an eye patch. I was in so much pain. Every time I moved either eye, both my eyes would water. Both of my pupils were dilated for some reason and I had to wear sunglasses even inside or my head would start throbbing. It was hard to run the video machines and look at the video screens and all the buttons and stuff I had to push and do. My hand-eye coordination was impaired and I kept flunking the drill. Joe came into the office and screamed at me and told me get my shot together. I just said, "Joe, my eye is killing me, I'm in so much pain. And I'm sick with a temperature. This is really hard! Joe lightened up and said, "OK, I didn't realize you were in so much pain, just please TRY. So I did, but COB didn't show up and I was able to go home early and rest some. The next day, I was back ready to do the drill again. My eye was a little better. COB did come through this time. The CST recruiters were also in my office at the same time. I was meant to join my husband Bruce in CST. So Marsha Trussel and Francesco Frau had come by. I was talking to Francesco when COB came back into my office after we'd passed the drill. I guess he wanted to check out the office and say I did a good job at video. He saw Francecsco and he just said one thing, "disapproved" and walked out. He didn't have to even ask what he was doing in my office. So Francesco had to explain to his superior and his project IC that COB had already disapproved my personelle CSW, so they wouldn't need to be sumitting it. I would not be joining my husband. On the one hand I was sad I'd not be joining Bruce, on the other hand I didn't want to leave the Cine crew. I'd kind of bonded with everyone and I coudl not imagine not making films for my SO duties. I was too tied up in that. What the heck would I do at CST anyway? I also knew from having been on personelle lines earlier that CST's ethics section was far stricter. Simple mistakes at CST were punished with an instant RPF assignment. The idea being that "mistakes" on Archives lines were somehow indications of a subconscious desire to stop the Scientology movement at it's most important part, the safeguarding of the originals --- so any mistakes, big or small could result in an instant RPF assignment. I really wasn't willing to get involved with that. I did not know if Bruce knew that or not. My eye eventually healed, but I lost my 20/20 vision. I became very near sighted in my left eye.

    The Special Effects Department got it's first McIntosh Computer and I learned how to lay out foreign versions of titles on the computer screne using Adobe Illustrator. I was one of the few people even allowed to touch the new computer. I even had scanned some Chinese characters and made some of the first Chinese titles for the films that were already out. I did this whole project in special effects where I would lay out the foreign titles and then get the Translations Unit to approve them. on paper. And then I would print out the Hi-Cons and lay them out these strips of paper with holes in them to register them on a pin registered light table. Then the artwork would be shot with the Oxberry Film camera over the background it was meant to be put over. I was really good at laying out the artwork so that it all lined up and Mike Eaves, the SFX Cameraman (he'd been busted from CO PDO a while back to becoming the Slide Show In Charge and then he got made the Special Effects cameraman. Peter Hofstetter also work in SFX with him. And Josh Hemphill for a bit and later on Evelyn Borglin. Evelyn took over from me on laying out artwork. She was the only person I was able to show how to do the cells right and actually do it right. For a while, I was getting called in at all hours of the night to come and help in SF X because I was somehow "the only one" who could lay out the artwork for Mike properly. On the one hand, I loved the flattery and sometimes I'd even get extra food, but on the other hand, it was another excuse to get woken up in the middle of the night!
    Oh, yeh, not ontly did CMU come up to the base, but also the Translations Unit. The Int base was exploding with people.

    In the middle of 1989, I had to make a big decision. My cat Pineapple was not doing well. Gold had moved berthing from the Lodges and Happy Valley to the Devonshire apartments. Bruce and I also had to give up my shack up on the Northeast side of the property. We, for a short time, stayed in my shack near the horse corral because we coudln't get a regular room. I didn't mind, it was kind of like camping out and the horses were friendly. Surprise, the new colt would try to play with me at night when I went home. One time he actually knocked me over because he'd charged me too fast. Or maybe it was a she, I forget. Pineapple liked the shack too. She'd catch gophers there. There were plenty of them, sometimes she'd save me one and leave it on my pillow. How lovely. Anyway, she did not take well to the Devonshire apartment. I liked it because it was roomy and we didn't crowd in so many people. I had only one other roomate in my room for a while, Anna DeCosta. She and I both had spouses at CST, so we got to room together. But Pineapple only had a small balcony to stay on all day, or all night if none of us came home. Her health was suffering from it. I'd come home and her meows just told me she wasn't happy. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want to take her to the vet and put her to sleep. She was 17 years old and maybe that's what I should have done, but I felt that she had more years left and maybe there was a chance that she could find happiness if I let her go.... so I did. I took her down the street to a nice suburban area with some fields nearby. I set down Pineapple and I hugged her and kissed her goodbye an I told her she could hunt and hang out in the field if she wanted. Or she could go and find someone to take her in in the houses nearby. When I set her down, she ran for the nearest tree. She wasn't quite able to run very fast, her legs were a little arthritic. One of the girls in the other room in the apartment, Lauren got mad at me for doing that to Pineapple. She said, what if some dog chased her and she coudln't run fast enough? Why leave her out their on her own like that and abandon her? So I went back out and looked for Pineapple, I felt really bad. I walked around the neighborhood calling her name and she never answered me. I hope she found a home and that she was not eaten by a dog. I was so stressed out at work that I made a really dumb decision. I was under pressure to get ready and pack and go to Flag for the March 13th event and I didn't want to just leave Pineapple out on the balcony and trust that one of the other girls would care for her. They were hardly ever home either. I didn't want her to die trapped on a balcony. I had wanted to at least give her a chance. That was tough on me emotionally. But I never showed it. I was sad but I buried it. There was no time to be sad! And nobody seemed to even notice or care anyway, so why talk about it. It wasn't like I was getting any kind of auditing beyond simple correction lists and small, shallow actions. It was always about post and not about my own life.

    I went to Flag for the March 13th event. I'd been out there a little earlier shooting some of the pre-event videos, fancy shots of the courserooms at Flag and the crew etc. While I was setting up and rehearsing for the event, I met Keevin. He was a hired camera guy. Gold didn't have enough trained camera people yet, so they still hired a guy for the events. He came along with the camera truck that got parked behind the Sand Castle and wired into the FH Auditorium. That was Keevin. He kept flirting with me, kept inviting me out. I always said no. He would chat with me sometimes in between rehersal moments. He told me a story about how he had been asked to run a camera during the Clearwater Hearings about Scientology. He was there with a video camera when L.Ron Hubbard Jr. had made statements for the hearings. Keevin kept asking me questions about Scientology and the hearings that I didn't know the answers to. I was confused about how he'd ended up getting hired to work for the Cof S in Clearwater when he had worked for the court documenting the case against the C of S. I also was confused because I had not known about this courtcase and didn't really know what it was about. Keevin didn't really know what it was about either, so he was no help but to tell me things that raised more questions in my head. I figured that if it was important, I would have been told about it. That was kind of my view on it. I tuned it out. Keevin even invited me to be in a sex video with him. He wanted to make his own porno starring me and him. Well, I had to say NO to that too, but I have to confess that I did kind of imagine it and it made me laugh. Wouldn't that be funny if I snuck off during the two or three hours I'd been given to sleep and I snorted some cocaine with Keevin at his friends party, and then made a porno tape with Keevin wearing only my Gold uniform jacket? My imagination was evil. :clapping: I didn't know it then, but I found out later that these imaginary incidents would get me into big trouble later on in my life, because they seemed to register on the e-meter the same as a withold or an "evil intention". It got me really confused anyway. I mean, I was getting this sec check much much later, during a really crazy and vulnerable time in my life and my auditor was saying, OK, what was that? I would think, well it was just something I imagined, but my auditor wanted TIME PLACE FORM AND EVENT as if it REALLY happened. I'd also studied and believed (no longer do) that the e-meter somehow read on REALITY, so it this "withold" was reading, then it might have happened??? I imagined for a moment, well for the months I was being tortured with sec checking that, what if I was a split personality? And I never slept and was a total psycho, so when I did get time off to sleep I went and did these evil things and then returned to the Sea Org and my life in Cine as if nothing had happened? And I'd let this secret other life for years and now, thank god, this great sec checker who was being so persistent was going to save me and help me to become one personality and responsible for my evil side....what a stretch, but it was kind of exciting to imagine Scientology as a cure for this kind of personality disorder. You know like the guy had in Fight Club. There were times, even after I got out of the SO that I was convinced that I was a split personality and I'd really DONE these imaginary things. Thankfullly, many of the ex members and even Scientologists still involved with the CofS humored me and answered my letters when I wrote them and tasked them what I needed to know, "Hey back in 1986 did we? On the beach?" I'm confused. All the answers were "no, we didn't do anything, or that didn't happen, sorry you experienced this confusion during your sec checking, it's not supposed to be this way..."

    At the end of 1989, there was a 2000 meter backlog on the silver cert line. The HEM dept had caught up on the Mark Super VII orders, but now had to face the silver cert backlog. The entire Cine Division, and other Gold departments for that matter,got pulled in to help. We did various different tasks in the HEM Dept. I got pretty good at testing circuit boards and pots and helping to keep the parts all organized. I printed labels off the SFX computer for all of HEM's parts bins. Actually for all the Tapes Depts. parts bins too when they moved into building 36. To me, it was the coolest thing to finally have a real nice place for the Tapes Dept. to call home. And Hem had a nice place. Todd had gotten OK from COB to have a boom box in the room so that the workers on the assembly lines could listen to loud music. Hey right on! They'd been in this hell hole on the Northwest side of the property, so this was a big improvement. Things were getting more and more organized. It was cool. But like I said earlier, it didn't really get anyone anymore sleep, because more and more work kept coming in. The Mark Super VII release and orders were filled, but then.... there were the special meters for the Saint Hill courserooms, the one's needed to hook in the co-audit meters to a meter so the co-audit supe could plug in and see what was happening on the co-auditors meters. Over at Saint Hill, the "castle" was being completed, and part of the grand opening was going to be showing off this special new meter gadget in the new co-audit couresrooms in the Briefing Course areas.

    The Cine crew didn't really get much done film wise during 1989 and Dept 21 was really mad as usual. He would do these "all base" briefings on Saturdays right before or after our Mandatory Tape plays. Oh those were a hoot. After a long day at Saturday renovations, the entire base had to come and listen to an LRH lecture. And these were not easy lectures. They were complicated tapes with plenty or words and terms. It was next to impossible to stay awake during these, but no one could get out of it. It was a form of brainwashing I think to get made to , while half conscious just sit and listen to LRH drone on and on about shit. I was never able to understand any of it. With lack of sleep, having worked all day in the sun sometimes, sitting there listening to LRH talk about SLP 8C or watching the Freedom Congress Videos; I had to prop my eyelids open with toothpicks. If anyone fell asleep, it was straight to ethics! I'm not kidding. There was this South African girl in charge of the tape plays for a while, an MAA, Sue Hall. I tried to reason with her. I'd say, Look, on my study time I want to work on my TIP. I don't want to work on doing ethics conditions and clearing up MUs on this tape that I can't stop and start as I need to. It's not fair. But, she had to make EVERYONE, even the TU crew just sit and listen to these tape plays every Saturday night. We also began to have to listen to COB give these pubic beratings on Saturdays too. And 1989 was just the beginning of what would become a big habit for DM. He'd basically run the base this way. To hell with command channels and the Scientology Justice system. To discipline people, instead of getting it dealt with standard ethics gradients, DM used public humiliation. It made it very very difficult for me to study the new Scientology Ethics Specialist Course. If Int Mgmt didn't USE it, why the heck do we have to study it? If it's useless, then what's the point of it all?

    Bitty Miscavige had an idea. Well since the film crew weren't actively working on any major films, why she would get us all assigned to doing renos on MCI, the eating area and the galley. The galley was getting a complete make over. All Stainless Steel appliances. New dry wall and tiles and paint jobs inside. There would be a food preps area, food storage area, an admin area. The whole place would get really organized to be a really nice big kitchen. It was probably just as good as any large professional restaurant. I have never compared the two but I think a lot of work went into the planning and so it's got to be. I'd helped already on the dry wall during renos and so now it was time to put more time into the rest of the place. The stone veneer outside, the tile work in the Officer's dining area and the crew dining area. The wiring and the lighting. Plenty or work to do for all of us. She mustered us all up and told us that we could not go home because MCI renos were behind and we had to catch them up. I had been up late helping in SFX. Getting foreign titles done so that the foreign language versions of the film would be done actually counted on the divisions stats just as much as any regular shot did. Mike Eaves and I had basically gotten the divisions statistics into Affluence, yet here was Bitty saying I had to stay up all night. I just went home anyway. I figured the other Cine crew would sneak off like they usually did. Well this time, they didn't! And I showed up at muster in the morning and Bitty pulled me up in front of everyone and said, "Hey your teamate Maureen deserted you last night and went home anyway... what do you think of that?" No one answered. She screamed out that I was "out-ethics" and then had me go stand back in line. On my way back to line I noticed that my co-workers in the Camera Dept. and even the Cine Sec looked like they were trying to hold back laughter. I realized that Bitty had made herself really look bad pulling me up in front of the crew like that, and they were laughing at her! Every one in Cine knew that I'd helped to get the stats into Affluence and handle the backlog of foreign film titles. It was kind of strange. No one would say, "Sir, we LET Maureen go home because she'd already been up for many days getting the divisions stats up, and she's not out-ethics, she got the Div's stats into Affluence." They seemed perfectly happy to just laugh secretly at Bitty's mistake. I didn't care either way. I'd gotten sleep and I as happy. I figured that Bitty would get to like me eventually because I was going to kick butt and help get her renos projects done now! I had my renos clothes on since I'd been allowed to go home and I was ready to go!

    There was this one night when we had been told that the RPF was going to be working on some of the interior stuf f in the Galley and we were going to do some tile work outside the galley area. I was kind of hanging out waiting to find out what exactly our project was going to be and Jennifer DeMers and I were chatting. Jennifer was trained in design and so she was a very welcome part of the Art Department when she arrived. She had good ideas and our sets came up to a whole new level when she came on. I think I always respected her for that and her team work skills seemed great, I kind of like to think that I made friends with her. She left the SO around the same time I did and I haven't been able to find her, I hope she is having a good life. I am mad about how she was treated the last couple of years she was there. Anyway, while we were chatting, Jennifer said that she noticed I looked kind of sad and wanted to know what was up. I hadn't noticed. But I guess I was sad about something. She then asked, how are you and your husband doing? And I almost started crying. Just then, the RPF came in and guess who was on it. Bruce! He'd been busted from CST for some financial and renovations mistakes as the Estates Chf CST and was doing the RPF. Part of me was really happy to see him and have him near by. Another part was upset that he'd been RPFd and I hoped it wasn't too serious. I just had no idea. CST was all confidential so I nver got to ever talk to Bruce about any of it. I went out to to a store on Sunday morning for CSP time and I bought him some long underwear, some T-Shirts and gloves. I sent them to him in a care package. I didn't want him to be cold or not have gloves. Someone in the RPF sent them back to me and said I was "rewarding a downstat". That was weird. I persisted and got him the package some other way. He never used the long undies, but he did use the T shirts and the gloves. I told him I'd keep our promise. I wasn't going to divorce him and i'd write him letters while he was on the RPF, I'd visit him when he got his Gold arm band. And I did.

    I had to go to Saint Hill in 1989 around September to do some pre-event videos of the Castle renovations and such. The 1989 IAS Event was going to be at Saint Hill and it was going to be held in the newly renovated "Great Hall". We also were contemplating filming the Orientation film script in England so we all had research assignments to complete while in the UK. I had to find out what kind of video equipment was available to rent or if there was a way to convert my Location Video line to use UK electricity. I met little Thomas Sproule while I was in the UK and I put him to use. I had him help me with all my video equipment during the videoing of the IAS Inro Video. He loved hanging out with the film crew and helping out. He certainly enjoyed eating pizza with us in the evenings when we'd go out to eat. There were a couple of nights that I got Thomas to help me on a personal project. I had had a session earlier, before I'd left Gold wherin, it was implied by an e-meter read that I had "gone past Dianetics Clear". Since I'd never done Dianetics really, it could have only meant maybe I'd lived before. I contemplated who I might have been in my past life. While I was in a session on an FPRD Pilot back as early as 1987, I'd thought about this too and I'd talked about it with Mary Tabayoyan. I figured I'd worked for LRH up until the 60's and then had a car accident. I had this list of names that I had guessed at, based on reading old HCO PL volumees that still had names in them and on having gone through the LRH Photo archives so many times in F&E. Peter Hemery was a name I had on top of my list. I'd assumed he was dead when his name disappeared after the mid 60's. But I was soon to find out I was wrong... I asked around for his files and I was directed to "the Dead Files" I rouned up the key, went to this smelly old container. I was going through the files reading names and I soon realized that the "Dead Files" didn't mean they were dead literally! It meant they were antagonistic and were off lines. I returned the key to the Dead Files and I asked around some more. I was referred to Peter Stumbke in OSA UK. I was told he had a similar list as I had of names, but they were most likely still alive and Peter had the task of finding out if he should officially declare them Suppressive or not, or to just ignore them. I wrote Peter a note and left it on his desk. I told him to contact someone in the F&E unit in CMO GOLD about Peter Hemery because he was in the Afternoon at Saint Hill Film and in many old photographs with LRH and it would be good to know what his official standing was, since some of those photos and film clips could be used in future AV products if he was OK. I never heard back. The Afternoon at Saint Hill Film clips with Peter in it got used for the "We Stand Tall" Video that David Pomerantz sang for. I really was curious what had happened around the late 60's that so many staff who were worthy of being named in HCO PLs as having been helping LRH in some way, were off the lines and seemingly "dead" all of a sudden. I was still curious about Peter, even though I knew I could not have been him in a past life if was still alive somewhere! Thomas of course, loved all this adventure and after I went back to Gold, Thomas joined the Sea Organization. His mom, Kathy Sproule with OSA UK had mixed feelings about it, but I guess she let him join after all. And her other son Ben eventually ended up at Gold.

    Because I couldn't find anything about my own past life at St. Hill I really began to doubt the CCRD I'd done. If I wasn't anybody at Saint Hill and I never worked with LRH, then how could I have gone Clear on Dianetics in a past life? Later, I had that green stripe taken off my folder as being incorrect. I had wanted it to be true for status reasons, but case wise, I really had not achieved anything close to the state mentioned in the Dianetics Book and the NED Series later as "Clear". I'd kind of "figured out" , as I was so good at doing in general, the "Clear EP" and maybe I had actually REALLY figured it out and didn't need to run engrams, but on what? Being in the Sea Org? Maybe. Maybe all that "make it go right" and "no case on post" had kind of forced me mentally, to just plain figure out some stuff on my own. Who the heck knows! But also, I wasn't sure I agreed even with LRH about what a '"Clear" was. I'd read and heard on some lectures LRH mention that Clears didn't HAVE the memories anymore. I kind of thought it was more like the Clear HAD the memories, but they could be used for analytical purposes and used to make logical decisions, like not making the same mistake twice! Not that the images were NOT there at ALL anymore. Nonetheless, I started to feel for the first time that I wasn't as happy working so hard when I wasn't actually making some sort of case progress. It was almost like I had it set up in my mind that making case progress, and ethics protection of course, was what I was getting "paid" for my work. By 1989, I'd officially been involved with Scientology for nearly 10 years total, and all I'd gotten up to was Purif, Method One? And some objectives? It just didn't seem right to me. More on that later...

    Ok, I'm going to post this chapter now. Stay tuned for more! Good night!
  5. Div6

    Div6 Crusader

    Phew! I get exhausted just reading all this.

    Thanks for the ongoing debrief Twin A....this is beginning to be of Epic (a la Mission Earth) proportions.....:D
  6. Twin A

    Twin A Patron with Honors

    Chapter 12 -- WARNING LONG CHAPTER

    Chapter 11 more was kind of long and exhausting to type too... I think I got into way more detail because it was my second time writing it. My first draft had been lost so I had to rewrite the whole thing. It was like I was running through the incident and picking up more details as I went along.... Yikes!

    Many significant things happened around the 1989/1990 area. One of those things was that Tom Cruise started coming out for tours and for his Scientology training and auditing. All of Gold had to prepare for a tour one day. We had to be in our best uniforms and our best behavior. Everyone went and got some decent hair cuts. We even had to get sleep and put on some make up. Had to look good. Then we all had to work out what project we would pretend to be working on when he came through. Something that looked good, was interesting and lit up the video monitors and computer screens, or made the lay-out and design tables look good.

    There was someone with a walkie talkie stationed at each section of the tour. And Mike Rinder would make sure that all areas were ready to go into action as Tom walked in, as if we had been working all day and he just happened by to see what was happening. It was all pretty much staged just for him. Kind of Truman show like.

    Despite all this waiting and having our equiment tied up on a fake shot that we didn't really need to shoot, we ALSO Still had to get our battleplans done for the day. So I had to listen to the walkie talkies and sneak around to do some of my work. I was working the Special Effects, getting title artwork done. I had to take it over to the Translations Unit to get OKd and then bring it back and get it ready to shoot. So when TC came through the studio, I was sitting at my desk and said Hi to him, explained the video playback line a little. And then I rushed out to Special Effects and the TU Unit to get my SFX work done. TC ended up showing up in both Special Effect and the TU while I was there. I wasn't stalking him, honest! I was there before him. TC, stopped at one point, in SFX and said "HOW MANY OF YOU ARE THERE?" Apparently he'd seen my twin sister at reception, then later she showed up in another part of the tour, then he saw me three times by accident. He must have been pretty confused, seeing five of us in different uniforms. Whoops. :whistling:

    My first impression of TC was that he seemed like a nice guy. He wasn't as tall as I'd expected, but that's movie magic for you.

    Later on, not that evening but another evening. There was a big meeting in the Cine Conference room and Ted Horner had to relay what David Miscavige had told him. Ted said that TC told DM and DM told him, that it didn't seem right that the film crew were breaking and going to study time in the evenings... that in order to get a film DONE, the crew shoot that film FLAT OUT and then take a break afterwards.... So, because TC said so, our schedule was revised. We no longer got to fit in our study during the week or weekends. We had to WAIT until the films were DONE before going to study. Since films were supposed to get done in two weeks, only two days of study were planned the end of each film. Of course, this wasn't taking into consideration that we STILL also had to do some Saturday Renovations work! Like everyone else on the base.

    This new Tom Cruise schedule cancelled the previous LRH schedule based on the LRH ED Department Head Conference. And up until 1991, I hardly got any study time, for two years. One, because the films almost were never fully DONE, and Two because we'd lose our study days on the weekends for event emergencies and renovations or org all-hands. It was nuts. TC should have asked before he started pontificating about what our schedule SHOULD Be. Sure, HE worked FLAT out on movies and THEN got a break. He also got PAID millions of dollars! Our PAY was supposedly partially our study time. Taking that away was just nuts. I complained as often as I could. I wrote so many knowledge reports. I had xerox copies of the LRH ED Department Head Conference with the portions high lighted about our study schedule and every once in a while, I 'd sent another KR to WDC GOLD and others with the Highlighted ED as an attachment. I didn't get an answer until much later... around 1991.

    DM ordered that the Cine Division all get through the Key to LIfe Course immediately. Then.. since it was a DM order that we study, well our schedule got changed back to including study time.

    I had already started the KTL back in 1989 , using the old xerox copies of the cartoon drawings done for each word, the cartoons done by Arch I suspected. Then the new books all got done, using a professional cartoonist retired from Disney to illustrate the book. It was now like a big giant kids book. I had to re-do my Small Common Words using the new materials! I was NOT happy about that. I also kept red-tagging on the KTL clay table. I was not having fun. I absolutely HATED doing clay demos of problems, over and over and over again. I kept falling asleep. I kept getting angry, once was an F____ enough for me! The correction list for the Key to Life Clay Table had this odd question, not like the ones I was used to in the other correction lists. It asked (oh, I think this question is now since removed or reworded) "YOU WEREN'T BEING SOMEONE ELSE?"

    I heard that question and I said, "What?!!!" " AM I SUPPOSED TO BE BEING SOMEONE ELSE? I'M NOT BEING SOMEONE ELSE! HOW COULD I POSSIBLY DO THAT? WHO THE F___ ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO BE BEING? WHAT KIND OF GODDAM QUESTION IS THAT!!!???" I felt like throwing the cans at her. Marj Hill, my auditor, had this look of slight shock on her face. She had her TRs pretty much in, but I could detect a hint of her getting taken off guard by my sudden outburst. She calmly indicated that I "wasn't being someone else. I talked some more about it, and did the whole "earlier similar" thing until I wasn't so mad anymore. The Correctin List was over. Later that day, the KTL Super, think it was Carl Sholten, or Allison, can't remember who -- told me "The CS wants to R-Factor you that you do not need to do Clay Table". I thought to myself "Thank F____ GOD!!!"

    I was curious about this "being somebody else" question. I started to ponder this concept. I guessed it had to do with valences and responsibiliy perhaps. I could see that if someone gave me an order, and I did it without understanding it that I could possibly be being THEM in some way, since my own understanding was not consulted. This kind of tied up words and literacy with responsibility and being oneself. I found it interesting, but disturbing at the same time. I'd definately spent some time being just a robot. Someone would tell me to do something and I would just do it with no real understanding of what it was. Marching around Portland. I hd no idea. I was just following orders. I didn't know anything about Julie Christopherson, for all I knew, she was right and deserved some kind of settlement, but I'd been TOLD to go march around the courthouse to SAVE SCIENTOLOGY FROM THE SPS, and I went and did it.

    In 1991 a Mission from RTC fired into Gold. It was Greg Wilhere and James Byrne. It was a Sea Org Ethics and IMage Mission. One of the first things they did was to make the rule that Gold all had to muster all together, three times a day at least and everyone HAD to be there. No exceptions. If anyone was late, it was 24 hours of amends. If anyone was late TWICE, it was instant RPF assignment.

    I remember this one day when I was out at the new apartments Jeanine Boyd ? (she was CHF LRH PRO for a little while in the late 80's and briefly did a stint as the Berthing IC before she blew) had gotten for Gold, near the Hemet Ryan airport. It was an extra 10 minutes drive past Devonshire. It was a serous drag living out there, because the bus drivers often just would not drive there after stopping at Devonshire and I had to walk, at night, often by myself. After a couple of guys in trucks tried to pick me up on my walks alone to my new apartment. I borrowed some money and I bought a motorcycle. It was a 1981 Yamaha streetbike. A 550 or a 450. I loved that bike! It was freedom for me. One morning, Bruce and I had overslept and I put Bruce on the back of my motorcycle and I sped as fast as I could to the Gold base. I took a back farming road and not Sanderson, so there were no signal lights. I got up to 90 mph and my speedometer cable broke off. My husband Bruce got scared by this and never accepted a ride again on the back of my motorcycle. He must have thought I was crazy. But I got us to muster ON TIME! We had 30 seconds to spare even.

    With all the musters, getting anything done was quite difficult. I was all for team work, but I didn't like the musters. We had some jokes in Cine. How long does it take to screw in a light bulb? Well, if we do a little bit after each muster, we can get it done in a week...

    James Byrnes had us do marching. I remember that he'd liked that on the ship. But marching with over 200 crew was different than just 20 or 30 people on a small ship for short periods of time. That was fun. Marching around the expansive grounds of the Gold Base in the hot sun with hundreds of people, was exhausting and maddening.

    Well, three people were late for musters. Bruce Plotz, Peter Hofstetter and myself. I was late for three musters. Bruce Plotz was RPFd, but not for long. and Peter I think was too. He did not come back to Gold. I was being routed to the RPF and Barbara, the Shoot Crew Chief, stopped me and started crying. You can't go to the RPF! She screamed. You are the only one in my department getting any products right now. To which I said, Yeh and I'm also not getting any sleep and that is why I missed musters. I feel tired all the time. I forgot one muster. I took a nap after Sat. Renos on another muster and missed that. I fell asleep for a couple of hours in my office and missed the next morning muster, because I'd been up all night... it was ridiculous to expect me to work so hard AND go to all the musters. I was wanting to go to the RPF. Maybe I'd get some sleep....

    But Barbara had a bright idea. She suggested that I petition. Based on the fact that I had been told by the MLO that I had "low blood sugar" earlier and was trying to do a handling for it. I also had a chronically below normal temperature. I was kind of sick those days. And I was. OK, so I petitioned. I brought it up to Greg Wilhere and I handed it to him. I told him I was petitioning not to do the RPF. He said at first, well, it's an "instant" RPF assignment, no petitions. And then, someone from CMO GOLD came over. Think it was Camilla from F &E. She said emphatically, "Maureen CANNOT go to the RPF, the Event Visuals have to get done ON TIME and flawlessly and ONLY Maureen does this! DM will be PISSED OFF if his event visuals don't get done right!" Then about three more people showed up at his office, like the were out of breath, running up the stairs. They all had reasons I could not go to the RPF. I was irreplacable... I was the best at this... and that....

    Wow, this all went to my head. I really soaked up all the admiration and kudos. There was something about being defended like this that I really enjoyed. Maybe I was secretly late just to push that envelope again on the "ethics protection" thing?

    Well, Greg Wilhere looked me in the eye and said, "Are you really sick?" and I said "Yes Sir, that's not a lie" And he OKd my petition and I did not have to go to the RPF. I also no longer had to go to three musters a day. I had special OK, because I was working on Event stuff. Gradually more and more people got special OKs to work instead of breaking for musters and no missing muster rule was gone.

    Because I had pleaded "ill" on my petition. I had to follow through and see Martine, the MLO, officially on a routing form. The IG MAA, Chris Guider also became interested in my routing form. One of the first steps of "To the MLO" routing form was to see Ethics for a PTS Check. I had to sit in a room and read ethics references over. I was given the Science of Survival Book and told to read certain chapters about my mother. She was upset that I had not been visiting her. She was therefore "downtone". She was in general not an enthusiastic person, but really what this was about was that I was being pressured to disconnect from my Mom as an enturbulative source in my life. My twin sister, Corinne, who was holding reception Gold, also was in the EThics Department. She had allowed a phone call from Jim Logan ( I think Jim had had his Mom call Annie and then he got on the line, so my sister thought she was passing Annie's Mom through to Annie and didn't really know) to pass through to Annie. My sister had been removed from the reception desk for that and made to write up O/Ws and do a full PTS SP Course and a PTS Handling. Our last visit to our Mom was kind of sad, had made us sad. I could mistake that for enturbulation, but I mean, my Mom wasn't doing well health wise. I thought it was just natural for daughters to be concerned about their Mom's health. But according to the Science of Survival and the other Ethics References I had to read and go over with the Ethics Officer and Chris Guider, my Mom was a down tone and suppressive person to me. I just didn't know.

    My sister and I did finally decide to make the big move. We wrote disconnect letters. We were allowed to leave the Ethics Department. I said not to send mine because I wasn't really sure. The E/O said fine. I went to go see the SSO, Jan Norton at the time, to talk to her about it. She was holding "Qual DePTSer" from above. I sat down in front of Jan and before i could say anything I just started crying. I didn't want to disconnect from my Mom. I couldn't do that. Jan said she would help me with it. Not to worry. The next day I went to go see her. She was not in her office. She had been woken up in the middle of the night and sent on a mission! Some sort of Command Team mission. She was gone without a replacement. It was a COB Order and HAD to get done! I didn't know what to do. I tried to find someone else to help me in Qual to no avail. I went down to the E/O and I told him not to send the disconnect letter and I wanted it back. He said it was too late. He'd sent it, along with my sisters letter. My sister's Ethics Handling and mine were being monitored by the IG MAA and we had to FINISH it and DO the disconnection.

    I had nightmares that night and could not sleep. Just weeks before this, I had been talking to someone out at Narconon Chilloco trying to find out if I could get my Mom into a detox program there. The CS there said that he could probably work with her, she'd have to have a special doctors supervision... but she might be able to do the program, a light light version of it. I was hopeful. I had also contacted CCHR and writen about my Mom to someone there. I had hopes that I could "handle" my Mom and help her with her health and mental problems. This is WHY I joined Scientology in the FIRST Godam place, to HELP MY MOM.

    My committments to all my "friends" in The Cinematography Division kept my mind off of things for a while, but then I got a phone call in the middle of the day from the new receptionist. It was from the Santa Clara County Controller. My Mom had committed herself to a mental hospital because of my disconnect letter. NO...! But the Controller wasn't calling me because of THAT. He was calling me because my step-father Bill Smith had died. He'd killed himself. He'd gone on a fishing trip somewhere in Tuolomne River or Stanislaus County somewhere and 'forgot' to go to his kidney dialysis that day. The Controller gave me the name and address of the coroner in Stanislaus County. I called him and he told me that because my step-father had no ID on him, it had taken him a long time to track us down. The body had already been cremated. The coroner seemed angry with me, that we had been so hard to find. Or was I just so angry with myself for abandoning my step father? I called my brother Randy and I told him about it, Randy already knew. He'd arranged for my step father to get a headstone at a military cemetary for free because he was a vet. Randy had already spoken to Stan, my Step father's best friend and apparently my step father was really upset with the disconnect letters we'd written and how it had upset him and my Mom. My step father had been living with my Mom. They were looking after each other. When my Mom got committed, he lost his home, because her welfare check was paying the rent at the apartment. He couldn't afford it. He had to pay for Kidney dialysis twice a week to stay alive. He was homeless, without my Mom, and without us. Stan tried to console him, but he was pretty much devastated.

    I got all this news and I put the phone down and I went back to the video set. We were filming a Books Makes Booms Video, starring BEI, Cheri Hughes? I think. We also had some video with Mark Ingber in it, it's kind of a blur. I had to tune out all this bad news and just get back to work. And I did. It was if nothing had happened. And I was working flat out on videos for two days. Then I had a moment, it was on my "study time". I grabbed my sister and we went to see Ken Hoden, who was holding Chaplin. I felt no emotion at all at first. I acted "cheerful" and then all of a sudden I just burst into tears and so did my sister. Ken sent us both us to Qual for an ARC break session. I got in session with Bernadette Nunn. I just cried for a really long time and she asked me for an earlier similar and I thought up something unreal and that F/Nd. I was feeling better for being allowed to sit in a room and cry.

    In the Sea Organization, if I had just cried in my office or something, in front of anyone, it was CASE ON POST and it was a High Crime. So being "in session" allowed me to express some grief. But the "Earlier Similar" thing always kind of got me. It made me feel like my Grief was somehow CASE, that at some point in my life I would NOT feel SAD when someone I loved died? Would I become some kind of non-human eventually? Where my family could all die and I wouldn't feel anything?

    Shortly after I was told my Step-father had died, because of MY disconnect letter. I got the news that my grandmother Ruth had died. I didn't know her very well, but I thought I should at least go to the funeral and console the rest of my family. Nope, I could not do that, because the rest of my family was connected to my Mom. In disconnecting from my Mom, I had basically barred myself from communicating to my other family members. I was not allowed to go to the funeral. The only reason I got the letter at all was just so that I would know. Sheesh.

    Then, my grandfather died.... I did know him and I was upset, but again, I was not allowed to go to the funeral or anything.

    In late 1992, I was sent on a film shoot to Italy. We had to video the rapidly expanding Narconons out in Italy. I was in Italy for a month with PK and Mike Lemeron. We travelled all over Italy. I was actually having fun on that shoot. I will never forget all the beautiful places there and the great people I met. We returned in late December. I immediately had to go to work on the New Years Event preps, etc. On New Years Eve, I finally got to see my husband Bruce for a little bit. He was drunk as usual at party's. I was tired and wanted to go home early. He agreed to come with me on the bus. He kept telling me how beautiful I was, then he said to me that he hadn't really loved me when we first got married. He just wanted to get laid and get his greencard. Hmmm... I realized that the 2 year wait after having gotten his green card was up. Did he now want a divorce? I was confused. He was saying he didn't really love me, but then he added that he had grown to really like me. He became very nice to me and gave me a foot massage and a back rub, flattering me the whole time about how beautiful I was. I was tired, but after all that, how could I refuse? I had sex with him that night. I had not been prepared for it, so.. About a month later, I missed my period. I thought, "shoot, I wasn't really prepared that day since I wasn't expecting to have sex, and maybe..." Shit... I was worried. Being pregnant and being in Cine meant an instant SP declare if you did not abort. And I did not believe in abortion... In my own head, I was just freaking out. I didn't know what to do or who to talk to.

    I had to get up early this one morning to rush to the Cine Studio. Michelle Stafford's ( a new Scn Celebrity who helped on the tech films) exterior location shots on the Tone 40 Assessment film were having to be re-shot and I had to be ready with all the video tapes of the previous shots. I also had to get my video cart into place early so that the lighting conditions in the morning would not get wasted. I jumped onto my motorcycle. I was exhausted as usual. World War 3 was going on inside my head too. I just was this bomb of pent up emotion. I was thinking about so many things at once.... I didn't notice this lady in her car in front of me acting strangely. She'd pulled over to the right of the road and it looked like she was stopped. I ASSUMED she was pulling over to park, so I sped up to get past her. But she was making an unsignalled U TURN. She made a hard left hand turn and smashed right into me and my motorcycle. My motorcycle locked into the side of her car and turned with her. I flew off the motorcycle and through the air for about 20 feet and then I landed on my head & neck and right shoulder and rolled several times, then came to a stop flat on my back. I was looking up at the sky through my helmet. I could hear the ambulance coming already. I must have been out for a little bit. I took off my helmet and stood up. The guy standing over me, said, "You shouldn't move, the way I saw you land, you might have broken your neck. I'm a retired paramedic, I know." But I didn't listen. I walked over to my motorcycle to make sure it was OK. Hardly a scratch on the damn thing! Just some bent handlebars and broken headlight. A police officer handed me his card and info on where the bike was going to get towed.

    I started to feel light headed and wobbly. I sat down. The ambulance guys decided to strap me to a board and rush me to Hemet Valley because I was having trouble answering their qustions and they suspected a concusion. When I arrived at the hospital emergency room. There were already two Gold staff there for me. Sadie from the Camera Dept. and Jocelyn. Sadie gave me a nerve assist and brought me some yogurt from the vending machine. Jocelyn talked to the doctor. The doctor looked at me and said, "What the heck are YOU here for?" and I said" I don't know. My neck hurts." He sent me to get a neck exray, I still have my neck brace on. It showed no broken bones, but we missed that my discs had been crushed, since the neck brace was maintaining the space between my vertebras. I also said my shoulder hurt and they x-rayed that. Nothing broken. The doctor sent me home with a splint for my right arm and some Tylenol. Jocelyn took the tylenol from me and threw it away.

    i was picked up by Bob Horn ( the dentist/MLO assistant) and his wife in a car and they drove me to the Kirby Gardens apartments. There was a room there being used for the ISO place for sick people. I drank some concentrated Cal Mag, put some ice packs all over my head and I fell asleep. I woke up the next day in the afternoon. I must have been sleeping 20 hours! I felt horrible. For a minor accident with no broken bones, I felt pretty damn beat up.

    I went in to get a session and some assists. I think AK was my auditor. I'd never been audited by her before. I really liked her. She asked me some questions and somehow the subject went to my Mom and I just started crying. I think this was a list correction or something about my last PTS Handling. I said I couldn't believe I'd disconnected from my Mom. I was just as bad as a psychiatrist treating her like that. I'd become a psychiatrist and I'd hurt my Mom. I just couldn't stop crying. It was like I could feel how my Mom felt and how much it hurt to have her twin daughters tell her they weren't going to talk to her anymore. I could feel this horrible pain in my chest and this feeling like life wasn't worth living anymore. It was like my Mom was sitting there with me in the room and I could feel exactly what effect I'd caused on her with that letter. I hated it. How could any mother be put through that? What a horrible Wrong Item. AK looked up at me and said she would help me to reconnect with my mother. I cheered up all of a sudden. I said, "really?" She said yeh. So then AK pulled some strings and she got me special OK to call my Mom. I loved AK after that. She seemed like an understanding human being. Plus, she had to have had some kind of power, because that whole ethics cycle had been signed off on by RTC, so to get it changed wouldn't have been easy. Or was it simply overlooked?

    At the end of February, I had my period back... it was heavier than ever and I had super cramps for the first time in my life. But it meant I wasn't pregnant, or possibly no longer pregnant. There was such a thing a spontaneous miscarriage and I did have some of those symptoms. I FELT like I'd lost somebody tho and I was very sad. I had had some dreams much earlier in January about this little boy that looked just like Bruce. It would have been fun. His brother Gordon had two really cute sons Antony and Darren (now grown up) and I just knew if I had some kids, they would be adorbale too. I was jelous that Sue had been allowed to have kids freely without all the political crap about how it was "OFF PURPOSE" and "CI to CLEARING THE PLANET" to want to have children.

    During 1993, I worked harder than I had ever worked. My work load seemed to have trippled. There were so many IAS Medal Winners, newly released courses, St. Hill Size Orgs, Birthday game winners, Narconon stuff, CCHR stuff. More and more visuals for events. The film crew also were shooting bigger and better films. We'd upgraded to 35mm and had a film school trained and experienced Director Mitch Brisker on board who got better products than we had ever experienced in the history of the film crew. I was busy. I ws averaging 2.5 hours of sleep a night. For the entirety of 1993. And that was including, in that average, the fact that I got sick nearly every month for one day with flue like symptoms and slept for 10 hours on those sick days.

    Gary Weise told me a story once about when he was in high school. He was on the basketball team and he really wanted his team to win the championship. But his parents had scheduled some oral surgery for him on the day of his championship. He'd gotten some teeth pulled and had stitches. But he still went and played in the game. His stitches broke and blood was all over his face, but since he was MVP, he had to stay in the game. He was in tremendous pain and almost passed out a couple times. But he won the game! And he was happy and he sat down and rested after the game.

    I kind of felt like that. I was in tremendous pain, I did NOT know what from. Stephen Price, a visiting Scn chiro had said my right arm and shoulder were "Only some torn muscles and ligaments", so all I hd to do was some stretches every day. But my shoulder hurt, my neck hurt. My back was stiff and sore all the time. It never let up. I felt like Gary trying to "stay in the game". I wanted to win the game. But the game never ended! I mean, I didn't have that moment where I'd accompllished "winning the game" and I was then allowed to take care of my self. I developed all kinds of strange symptoms. I was getting a break out of hives on my feet regularly, my immune system was obviously faltering. These small white, water filled blisters on my feet. Yuk. I developed a duodenal ulcer. Dr. Denk just told me to drink some ammonium something. It didn't work, so I didn't keep doing it. My stomach just constantly burned, it made me perpetually hungry. If I put food in my stomach it didn't burn as much. I was fallling apart, but I was being a HERO! I was saving the planet with all my hard work. Hundreds upon hundreds of shots in the can for C of S promotional and training products. I had to be getting some points somewhere with someone?

    AK tried to take me in session a few times but I was almost never sessionable. I hated that. Sometimes I'd just sit in her auditing room and eat a sandwich and chat with her. That's all I could do. Once, after I'd slept in ISO for that one day from being sick, I actually did make it into session and metabolized and AK started giving me a body comm process. I just started crying all of a sudden. She pulled out a Green From and it read on not having enough sleep. Darn. Oh well, at least I tried.

    In early 1994, the film crew were filming the film Confessional TRs with Katie Mitchell out at some rented studios in Santa Clarita. It was our most complicated set up to that point. It had a big cave in Hell with stlagtites and stlagmites and fires bursting out from between the caves recesses. We had pyrotechnics and puppetteers ( the Angel wings and dEvils' tail were both custom made for our show and conrolled by professional pupeteers). I was becoming more and more grumpy with all the pain I was in. One day, Karbo, the grip, threw away my protein drink thinking it was rotten milk. I started screaming and yelling at him like I was a crazy lady. i was punching the refrigerator door in the craft services area and shouting profanities.The Crew Chief came over and told me I had to calm down because it was "OUT PR" with the wog help. We had a large crew of wogs helping us on the movie and they were all staring at me in astonishment. I calmed down and walked away. I felt I was losing control of my temper. If the Crew Chief hadn't come by, don't know if I would have stopped on my own. The anger was venting out on it's own.

    But, I remained doing excellently well at my job. My personal life was sinking and my mind and my body, but those films and videos were getting done and looking better than ever!!

    At the end of 1994, someone in the Ethics Section of Gold started pressuring me to disconnect from my Mom again. I said NO WAY. He said that because she was connected to psychiatrists, that I was therefore connected to Psychiatrists and THAT was whyI was chronically ill all the time. I said, NO, I was chronically ill because I was in pain all the time, didn't get any sleep, didn't get any assist program really to speak of, and I only had 10 or 15 minute meal breaks, no time off, it had nothing to do with my mother! He then showed me a reference saying that it was a Suppressive Act to stay connected to someone guilty of Suppressive Acts. What Suppressive Acts was my Mom guilty of exactly???? Oh she merely talks to a Psychiatrist and takes her medications and she's a Suppressive? Why didn't anyone tell me this when I was a kid? When I first joinged Scientology? I would have walked right back out the F____ door! How can this be? I told the guy, Francis Mazzerand that he was full of shit and I walked out. But then... later I found out that I had been put on the "PTS LIst" and this list made it hard for me to get clearance to go out on video shoots and on events. Some of the F &E staff in CMO GOLD had to sneak me off the base in their own truck to get me passed secruity so I could do my own job!! it was getting to be more and more onerous.

    I didn't want to let my friends in F&E and Cine and theInt Execs down on anything, I didn't want to disconnect from my Mom, but all my physical problems and pain were becoming more and more obvious to others. I had to wear knee braces and back braces and I LOOKED like I was in Pain. I was losing weight, and execs noticed and they'd always say "What handling is she doing? " and so I'd get these dumb PTS handlings. I hated it.

    In December of 1994, I decided that I was going to visit my Mom and see if I could "handle" her to cut back on her psych meds and stop seeing a psych. I could not get my CSW approved.. But I was being threatened with being charged with a High Crime if I didn't Disconnect or Handle, yet I was not being allowed to HANDLE???? I was mad.

    So on New Years Day of 1995, I just went to see my Mom. No one authorized it. I guess I was officially "blown" but really I was just trying to "handle" my Mom. I had not woken up yet and gotten out of the SO, but I was trying to stay with my Mom somehow. In doing this, I really screwed up my Mom's life because I showed up unnannounced at her apartment and gave her a long talk about psychiatry and drugs and all that she took me seriously. She stopped taking her medications...

    I flew back to Gold and I went and pulled weeds for a while and then I went back to post. I did not even get a lower condition assignment. All that COB said was, "when is she coming back to post?" I was working on my planning for the new Cine Studio and on the re-make of the False Tone Arm Film when I noticed that I had not gotten a letter from my mother recently. I was very worried. I talked to AK about it up in Qual and she got ahold of Uwe, the Security Chf and got me a special OK to use the Security phone to call around and find my Mom. I found her. She had been committed to a high security mental institution. I managed to get her on the phone. She was in hysterics pleading with me to come and get her out. Help! She said. She stopped taking her medications like I'd told her to do, but the VOICES had come back again! And they were telling her to kill people, and so she called the police on the voices and the police put her in a straight jacket and committed her. She had very clearly become a danger to herself and others. The psychiatrist did not believe my Mom that her daughter, me, had told her to stop taking her meds. He felt that she could not be trusted to take her pills and so he was going to institutionalize her for the rest of her life!!!! Literally take away her rights as a California Citizen. My Mom urged me to call her psychiatrist and TELL HIM THAT I WAS THE ONE WHO TOLD HER TO STOP TAKING HER MEDICATION. SHE DID NOT DO IT OF HER OWN ACCORD. At this point Uwe said NO. He would not OK me to call my Mom's psychiatrist and tell him that.

    What?!!! I had to save my Mom. I had to get her out. She was clearly not having fun in the psych ward! Uwe said it was "off purpose" for me to be working so hard to help my Mom. I should be on post trying to save the whole world and not just my Mom. I was so damn confused by all this. Isn't this what I was told Scientology was all about? Helping people so they wouldn't have to get oppressive psychiatric treatment and I was being expected to leave my Mom in a psychiatric ward for the rest of her life? I walked out of Uwe's office and my head was a blur. I didn't know what to do. I started feeling this detached feeling and colors and sounds became muted around me. Life got really "duled down" It was Odd.

    My junior had been covering my post quite a bit for 1995, I was only there part of the time and other times I was planning for the new equipment I wanted for the new studio. I was having incredible difficulty concentrating, I had to read things two or things times to get through it. When I finally submitted my proposal, the Shoot Crew Chief had to re-write my CSW because she said, "it sounded crazy". I was very clearly losing it mentally and the other Cine crew seemed to be treating me kid gloves. I ws in the Cine Conference room one day and COB was walking through. He may have been with Jackson Baine, I can't recall, or Danny Sherman. I'd worked some with Jackson Baine in the making of the first set of CATs videos and on the grand opening of the LRH Life Exhibition. Jackson Baine liked me, I shot some really nice interviews of Ken Gerbino and one other guy for the CATs video that he liked and so he always smiled when he saw me and said "Hey Mo". Danny Sherman also liked me, I had helped on some "old timers' videos, inteviews with older timers who had worked with LRH and he thought I'd done an excellent job too. So one of them was with COB when he came through the conference room. COB saw me and said, "hey Mo, how is it going? And I said OK I guess. And COB said, When you getting fully back onto post? And I replied, "I don't know, I'm having some medical problems..." COB said he could not understand why I was having so many body problems. Had I ever read 8-8008? And About the Theta Mest theory? I said No, but I'd read it right away. COB said, I really care about you, you really need to get back on post fully or you won't get back on post at all.

    I went up to the courseroom and tried to read the Theta Mest theory but I could not concentrate. My brain was like mush. I went to see the MLO, maybe this was a blood sugar problem? Jocelyn had the results of my blood tests from having visited Dr. F in Escondido. She was an Osteopath that had come highly recommended for handling Epstein Barr Virus. Apparently myself, Annie and Gary Weise all had it and we were trying these different treatments. I tried homeopathics, Annie was getting Vitamin C Iv drips and I don't know what else. I didn't like the homeopathicss that much, emotionally they stirred up a lot of crap. But I had to do more because my EBV was still there. I went back to Dr. F and she said I needed to do a detox program. She gave me some liver cleansing tablets, supplements and suggested maybe doing another Purif. She'd read the Purif book and thought it would help. It's not something I had to pay for right? Gold delivers it to staff? And i said Yeh, so I got OK to do the Purif. There apparently was a COB order to "get me handled" and so when Dr. F said I needed the Purif, the CS agreed and I got to do it. I was on it for THREE MONTHS.

    I lost 20 pounds and some of my mind on that Purif. I started babbling about past lives while I was on this program. I didn't know why. I shared a sauna with Peter Cook for a bit. I started obsessively asking questions about Quentin Hubbard. What happened to him? How did he die? Eric Irgens was in the sauna too with me and he said that Quentin had blown Flag and killed himself. Peter said that Quentin had been mugged out in Las Vegas near the airport. I decided that I would say I was Quentin Hubbard in my "past life" and see what would happen. I figured that if all the pain I was in was "case" then, it HAD to do with something BIG, like being an SO Member in a past life and remembering everything all of a sudden in my new body. That must be it!!! Yes!!! I had it all figured out. I was having these strange chest pains, with numbness shooting down my arms and a lot of anxiety. Christ, was I having anxiety attacks? Jocyln took me to a heart specialist in Hemet. He diagnosed me with Wolf Parkinson's White, a heart disorder that meant I had two circuits in my heart between the right and left instead of just one like other people. If my Magnesium and potassium got low, the shorter circuit would get used and my heart would start beating out of sync and racing. I'd get tired and have chest pains. That was it. So the solution was either a drug that numbed part of my heart to get it to slow down and get into sync, or check if my electrolytes were lo and replenshi those. I began getting Magnesium shots while I was still Purifying. The Niacin reaction never went away. I'd been at 3,000 niacin for a very long time and it would not ever go away. Same reaction, in my throat and chest area and it would not go away. So I just said I was "overrrun" and I finished the Purif. I had this weird paranoid idea that the MLO and other Qual staff were trying to kill me!

    When I finished my Purif and made this origination at the examiner, about how I thought I was really Quentin Hubbard in my past life, red flags went up. I was taken right away out to the Cambell House at the Ranch. I was told to rest and that I would get some sessions from Joan Treasure, a Qual Auditor. I wanted AK, but she'd been sent on project. COB needed her to do sec checking down at Incomm, to handle the guy that had tried to hack into COBs personal computer information. Why was it that every time someone in Qual actually started to help me with something and my life and make promises to me, that some COB order somewhere would take them away from me?

    Joan wasn't that bad, it took a little while to get over my upset over losing AK, but I managed to let Joan work with me some. I got CSd and programmed for a tailor made program from Sue Koon, the Snr CS Gold. The first question had to do with wrong indications. I had a few of those. One was blaming MY MOM for me being sick all the time, when it was because I wasn't sleeping and it's the BODY that needs sleep, not me. The cells of the body were PTS to ME because I wasn't sleeping. I was NOT PTS to my Mom. And I added that the cells of my body were upset about that too. They were sent down to earth millions of years ago by some idiot Ethics Officer from the Galactic Confederacy and told to stay in the ocean because they were "bad" and they are not bad! I had a floating tone-arm on that one. It didn't surprise me as much as Joan. Maybe she hadn't seen one before? AK and I had a couple of floating tone arms just on some simple correction list stuff. It wasn't a big deal for me. But Joan's eyes kind of widened and she was like, Wow, your TA is floating. I used to tell AK that "cells in my body were ARC broken" and not me and she would humor me and I'd get floating tone arms sometimes. I thought it was cool. That's why I liked AK.

    I'd had this one session with AK that was kind of funny, it was just a short one, because I lost sessionability fast, She checked my ruds and I said, "My feet cells are ARC broken". Ak then said, "OK let's run it." It was a break in "reality" and it was between me and them. My uniform shoes were hurting them and they were pissed off, wanted me to go back to being barefoot! Wanted to touch the earth once in a while, not be stuck inside socks and shoes. I acknowldeged and we handled that ARC break. I had a persistent FN and that ws the end of that session. I decided to walk around barefoot once in a while and I stopped wearing my uniform shoes. I got some Nike Air cross trainers and used those. I got chitted for being "out of uniform" but I didn't care. My feet were happier.

    I'd assumed this was something on NOTs because AK was really good at this with me, and she was a NOTs review auditor. None of the other auditors would accept my answer of "the cells of my body..."

    I spent a couple of months out at the Cambell House I think. I took some more Epstein Barr Virus remedies, ate lots of protein and organic vegetables. I drank lots and lots of distilled water and took a balanced mineral supplment. That, plus the homeopathics that Dr. F were giving me, cured my insomnia (tho not permanently) and my chronic duodenal ulcer, and my Epstein Barr Virus. My joints didn't ache as much. Joan ran a grade 2 process on me. I was confused at first, I mean I had not even done ARC SW, or Grade 0 yet, why a Grade 2 process? Oh that's the CS, they can be used as "remedies" too. OK :whatever: I thought. But it wasn't that fun for me. We were doing this grade 2 thing and all of a sudden I could have sworn that I saw ambulance in the room with me! just a blip. It was from when I was a kid. This little boy named Bret on my neighborhood had eaten some snails, snails just poisoned by snail bait poisoining. He'd died from it and was taken in an ambulance. I thought it was my fault because I had challenged Bret earlier to eat some snails. I guess I had a "withold" on it or it was an engram on another flow. Something. Some reason, this incident popped up and scared the crap out of me. My needle started floating! I guess it floated when I was terrified. I was happy when Joan called "end of session" because I wanted to get the heck out of there! Fast! It was almost like seeing a ghost. Freaky.

    Generally, the food, rest, some of the auditing, the vitamins, homeopathics. It had made me feel better. What made me feel the best was when Joan handed me a letter from my brother. It was dated in May, but I was just now getting it! He basically said that he had gone to get my Mom and was taking care of her in Clearwater. She was in an Assisted Living Facility and he was looking after her. There was a lot more to it than that.. which I might write about later, but I was glad my Mom wasn't permanently locked up anymore in California.

    i was ready to get back to work! It was August 1995 and The Film crew needed me. They had been filming the Orientation film and the first weeks shots had all been disapproved. They were all in ethics and cramming trouble. I returned to post and I studied the script. Right away I realized several things that were being done incorrectly. I made some suggestions, talked to the Director and different departments and even to one of the actors, Bobby Lyons and I was credited with "debugging" his performance and being a pluspoint on the film crew according to a CMO EVAl that was done. I was put up for a promotion! Now, I didn't think that the Orientation film was all that great personally, but the object was not to make great films, it was to get them OKd by Dept 21. If He OKd the film, it was OK. And I'd figured that part out I guess.

    I started feeling introverted tho. I noticed that despite my recent sessions, my back was still bothering me, I was still feeling chronically tired all the time, and now a NEW problem. I started being rude to the other staff. It was like I'd become a little DM. Oh NOoooo.

    There was this one day when CG was reviewing a lighting submission video in my video office. I took out a video submission he had done a week ago and I put that up instead. CG didn't notice the difference. The reason: There was no difference! He'd gotten a reject, then made five more submissions, all rejected and he kept resubmitting and it finally got approved, but he'd gone full circle back to the first submission. Rather than make the conclusion I would NOW make of "COB is a psycho nut, why would he disapprove your lighting video a week ago and then approve the same lighting look a week later?" Just to make you scramble?" Instead, I said to CG, a very hard working and well meaning staff member, " CG you are trying to sabotage this film aren't you? You want to suppressively stop the Orientation Film from going out, so you have tricked COB into approving your crappy lighting look?" CG (who had been my friend before that) dropped his jaw and said, " you are fucking nuts". I was nuts. He was right. But I did not think so. I was convinced that all the human beings in the world had the evil valence ZENU in their minds and could go into at any time and do things to stop the "truth" of Scientology. Wow. I was out there. Out in la la land.

    But I was getting promoted and I was getting commendations and I had upstats.... so :whistling:

    After Orientation Filming, I got sent out to video the DC Org Grand Opening in Washington DC. I bought myself a nice black suit from a shop in LA. It cost my entire SO bonus plus. I had the Italian guy from Meam helping me to talk the price down (Meam was the Mission Equipment Aquisition Mission--- it was the Gold Logisitics department but it serviced the other base orgs too.) and the lady blurted out, "This is practically an Armani suit in women's clothing, I'm selling it to you at a loss, stop trying to talk me down!"

    I went and got my hair done and bought some shoes. I was ready to look sharp for the grand opening of the DC ORg Buiding! I got asked to stop by and pick up the LRH Photo, by Cindy Rainer, the Event designer. She wanted me to count it with my luggage and take to DC with me. No problemo. So I got Sean Morrison's son from MEAM (forget his name) to drive me out to Burbank to get the photo on the way to the airport. On the way there, he had some errands to do first. He had to pick up some walkie talkie rentals. When he got that, we decided to turn them on and play with them. We made squawking noises, talked on the radios back and forth etc. It was funny. I told him to put the radio up to his ear and when he did, I made this really sexy blowing sound, like I was blowing in his ear. I was just messing with him. He was a teenage boy and he nearly swerved off the road when I did that. We dropped the radios off at MEAM and he forgot to pick up the check for the LRH Photo, said it was my fault for blowing in his ear with the walkie talkie.It was funny. :roflmao:

    So I get to DC, and I realized that I had somehow forgotten to pack my shoes! All I had were my regular high heal uniform shoes, very uncomfortable. I saw Rosie Kaman there with her kid. She and Rick had something to do with getting the event ready, not sure what. I knew them both from when they were in the Cine Division earlier. I told her my problem and she said she would loan me a pair of her shoes. On the morning of the event, she forogt. So I had to carry around over 50 pounds of video equipoment all day long in high heels. Arghhhhh. Painful.
    COB saw me with my camera when he was touring VIPs through the new building after the ribbon had been cut. He stopped and thanked me for making such an effort to look sharp. He appreciated it. (I was thinking, better damn appreciate it! It was expensive!)

    On the way back from DC,on the plane, my knees were throbbing. They were in so much pain. And my back. I couldn't eat. I was nauseous. I was shaking. I wasn't able to do the camera work anymore like I used to. The 20 pounds of lost muscle had made me weak. The motorcycle injury had never really healed. I was a mess. I couldn't admit that I coudln't do it anymore physically. So my mind started to admit it for me. I started getting delusions that I was Quentin Hubbard in my past life again. That I had this calling to go back to the Qual Division and take it over. I had to make amends for killing myself and then take over Qual and overhaul that divison and make them start taking care of the staff for real. It was a perfect idea, it was an admin job so I didn't have to carry the camera. I'd work my way up, start as a Word Clearer or something, so that would solve my lack of this life Scn training... I had it all figured out.

    I promptly wrote a petition to COB asking to get transferred to Qual Gold because I was going to take it over an fix it up. It was a non-productive divison right now. What I did not know was that Shelly Miscavige was running the Qual Gold Division. She was the defacto admin leader for this area. She must have been offended by my petition, by my complaints and "natter" about Qual , but also about my claim to have been Quentin in a past life. She disapproved my petition, even though I had not written it to her. She wrote back, thank you for your request for a transfer. You just need to stay in Cine and contribute to this division.

    Some other things were going on that bothered me, besides my own shock at my bad manners (I'd do something rude and then only, later, afterwards, think 'why the F___ did I do that????". I was in so much pain after getting back to work in Cine. There was one day where I was told that I personally had been OKd to get enough sleep and study time on this one day where none of the other crew were going to study. I couldn't figure out why. I was told that it was because I had to get ready for my promotion to Script Supervisor, it was a whole new hat pack. I was busy writing up my posts to get taken over, so I could move up, but I was flashing forward to me doing Script Supervisor post AND forever getting pulled back into doing visuals and camerawork, because my replacement would not be u to speed. I was looking at pure hell and no sleep in my future. And my best friend PK would be promoted and not WITH ME anymore. Yikes. Double Yikes. I got really cold feet.

    I started crying at my desk one day and I could not stop. Someone called the Dir Review Gold, Mark Treasure. He showed up at my office and he said that I was not being removed from post, that I was going to get a special rundown at the Cambell House. Barbara the crew cheif was standing behind him. She was frowing and shaking her head NO. I know she didn't want me to go and I did not want to desert her, but I had no idea what the heck was going on with me. It was like I was having some kind of nervous breakdown. It was horrible. So I agreed with Mark, to go to the Cambell house again, out at the ranch. It wasn't discipline, it was just "an auditing program". I agreed. Barbara looked disappointed and upset, but I didn't seem to care anymore what anyone thought about me or whether I was letting the team down. Emotionally and Physically I FELT like I was dying and I didn't know what it was. I wanted to go back to the Cambell House. I'd made improvements there before. I liked the house. I liked the organic vegetables at the ranch. I did not know what the F as going on with me!

    So...Sue Koon, the SNR CS GOLD had CSd me for my first Introspection Rundown. Marj Hill was my auditor. She spent about a week with me clearing up the words introspection and introversion and point of introversion, etc. and we did a few of the steps and then she got a call, her Mom in Australia was sick and dying. Marj had to go visit. So I was on my own for three weeks. It ws nice tho. I went walking in the mornings. Security wasn't guarding me or anything. I had plenty of space. I read books, I 'd been handled on insomnia earlier, but I'd never been able to get a straight 7 hours of sleep. I would always wake up several times, I was always a restless sleeper. While at the Cambell House this time, with nutrition and excersize and with supplements (melatonin at nights, vits in the day)I actually got my first nights sleep with 7 hours. Probably since 1987! I bought my own dictionaries. Mark Treasure kept forgetting to bring me books from Qual, but he did bring me my mail and I found a mail order book place in a magazine called "Hamilton Books" They would accept cash and sent the book's I ordered right away. I don't know where I had gotten the money from, but I was able to order a set of Shorter Oxford English Dictionarys for 200 dollars cash! I read through those during the afternoons. I was slowly starting to feel my head feel better. My thoughts were getting more coherent. Marj came back. She finished some other steps. I remember thinking that I did not understand the rundown at all, nor if we had even really accomplished anything, but I wanted to attest to it and get it over with. So I did. Then, I got a call from Uwe, the Secruity Chief and he said I had to come back to Gold. Sure, I said.

    When I arrived back, I went straight to my office and then to my in-basket. :omg: I had NO in basket. What the heck! Bob Champaign, who had been promoted to RTC recently, informed me that I was not "allowed" to work in the Cine Dvision anymore until I did some auditing programs. What??? I thought it was an instant SP declare if anyone left Cine? Oh no, that's not what this is. It's just a "correction program" For what????

    So I got assigned to doing MEST WORK for the Grounds Department. Mostly in the Trees Department while I "waited" for an auditor to come and audit me on this "program" I was supposed to do. While I was working in the Grounds Dept. I got my own trailer to sleep in. I couldn't sleep with others in the room with me, so I had my own trailer room. I saw Sue Koon one morning and I asked her to come and visit me. I had these Oxford English Dictionary's open and I started babbling about some tech point that I'd been looking up. Something about Green Forms and LX Lists and then I looked at Sue and I told her that I had had a dream. I dreamt that I was taken to the RPF for being an L 1 R/Ser. Sue Koon looked away from me at the ground and then said in a soft voice, "You are incredibly smart" and walked out.

    In June, I was feeling embarassed. I'd been waiting for an auditor and there was none. I was not on any post, but I wasn't on the DPF, I had NO idea what anyone really thought about me. Then Uwe came driving by me on his motorcycle one day, when I was walking around near the Qual Building. He said, "COB is going to be here today. You cannot be seen. You need to go back to OGH". :omg:

    I can't be seen by COB? He doesn't want me at the base anymore? I am banished from my own HOME????

    I got really really depressed. I went to OGH and I ended up staying there. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone else, see anyone else, it was a type of isolation. I stopped eating regular food. I would only eat carrots. I did this for months. I starated thinking I could tune in radio wavese with my mind. I'd lay in my room for hours listening to radio waves that didn't exist. I was convinved I'd his some other plane of awareness. I almost died from a protein deficiency. I stopped being able to assimilate regular food. If I ate solid food, I'd throw it up. If I ate liquids, it would come out the other end. I could not sleep anymore. I did not know what to do. I got programmed to do my 2nd Introspection Rundown with Ron Pratt as the auditor earlier and after two sessions of not getting anywhere but more confused by that rundown, I had just quit being sessionable and was obsessed with my carrot diet. Stephanie Horwich, the Qual Sec at the time decided that she needed to intervene. She took me out to the Cambell House again with Martine from the MLO Office. Marine made me Barley Formula and fed me hourly like a baby. I 'd sleep a little, wake up andI'd get some thing to drink, take a walk. Go back to sleep. I was finally able to sleep fully for 5 or 6 hours straight again and start eating solid food. It worked. Good idea Stephanie. She probably saved my life.

    Now I got accused of being "suicidal" after that. I really did NOT know that only eating carrots for months could kill me. Death by carrots? I did not know this. But, yeh, that was kind of crazy wasn't it!

    I wrote a big long letter to Stephanie saying that I thought that COB was an SP and he was taking over things, but to the detriment of the spirit of LRH. I wrote her this as a "case " origination, but of course, it had to get reported to RTC and I was sent to the RPF for being a List One R/Ser.

    So... January 1996, my days on the RPF began.

    Stay tuned folks for the my chapter about the RPF....
  7. Div6

    Div6 Crusader


    This.........enrages me to no end! this WRITTEN somewhere? "Being pregnant and being in Cine meant an instant SP declare if you did not abort."

    Or was it the "group think"?

    And you were fed the idea it was your MOM that was SP?

    You busted your ass, you were a Tone 40 make it go right ethics upstat product producing whirling dervish of a thetan......and NO ONE delivered Scn to you. You got overt products and mis-handlings in exchange for all of your tone 40 theta goodness....

    Ok. You were in a suppressive environment. You were given wrong items that were then enforced. Those wrong items were based on incorrect fixed ideas on the part of others...thus the ARC X's with the environment; the problems; the out of comm-ness.

    But, in the end, it got better?
  8. Wisened One

    Wisened One Crusader

    Keep writing...hubby and I read it aloud to one another in the evenings...been waiting for your next chapters.......we recognize a couple names in your story.

    Nettie: I think she was the head of Miami Org's Reno crew in mid 90's.

    Jesse Radstrom: I think we know the father, Ron. Great guy! We worked with him for a while.
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2008
  9. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    I think yours is one of the most important stories ever written. I cried my eyes out for the insanity you experienced, knowing I only experienced a fraction of that, and for all those who still experience it today.

    INSANITY! There is no other way to describe it. Bless you for being here and telling what happened. :bigcry: :bighug: :console:
  10. Twin A

    Twin A Patron with Honors

    HI DIV 6,

    The SP Declare thing happened in a round about way. First of all, the Executive Director, ED INT, wrote some issue that in order to have kids in the SO, due to the financial and time considerations involved, a completed CSW need to be done FIRST. I never saw that issue, but I heard about it. Later on, ED INT wrote ANOTHER issue, around 1991, saying that No one in the SO was allowed to get pregnant and have kids and that if they decided to keep it, they would be sent to a Class !V Org. Then, later, there was another local reference that said that getting pregnant and wanting to keep the kid was the same as "blowing". I don't really remember how it eventually came to mean an SP declare by about 1993, but in my mind, that is how it all ended up. Because there was still the local order reference that if anyone blew from the Cine Div, it was an SP Declare, unless he or she did the RPF, but if you are pregnant you can't do the RPF... It wasn't a direct "something in writing", but a bunch of orders all added up that created that frame of mind for me.

    About my Mom, My Mom was taking psychiatric medications for being a schizophrenic/manic/depressive/with psychotic tendencies. I think the label is "schizo affective" now. Yes, a couple of staff in HCO Gold and in RTC considered that my Mom was a suppressive for seeing a psychiatrist about her condition and taking psychiatric medications. She was also "downtone" and below 2.0 on the tone scale. I had those book pages from Science of Survival placed in front of my face numerous times by Ethics Officers, over the years, in relationship to my mother. The first person who got on my case about my Mom was Janadaire actually. I really liked Janadaire mostly, but she had a very negative view of my Mom. I had a negative view of my Mom sometimes too, but I didn't originally think she was doing anything to keep me down in my life. It was apparently to "help" me with my problems to get me to see how my "downtone psych-case Mom" was somehow responsible for my apparent "PTSness" --but it just seemed to make my problems worse, for me, to take that view. I don't know if it was a general belief that psychiatric patients were considered "Suppressive". I assumed it was, that the people doing Ethics Handlings and PTS Handlings on me had been trained in this regard. Has no one else heard of this? That taking psychiatric drugs is considered Suppressive?

    Yes, Things got better, got worse, got better. I winded up out of Scientology eventually and then they were better and better :happydance: because I found the real WHY for many of my problems. No more PTS SP Courses!

    The 7 herniated discs in my spine were causing me pain. I discovered this with expensive cat scans and MRIs that Gold would not pay for while I was with them. Plus the ones in my neck were pushing on my spinal cord and confusing my nervous system. Sure, I'm sure that if someone in Qual Gold, who wasn't being ordered off onto some mission or project by COB COULD have used Scientology in some way to help me out, maybe. But without having established FOR ME that I was in PHYSICAL pain, and where exactly it was coming from -- and that I needed to deal with it, and not just make it a case issue-- I think I would have been VERY difficult to deal with.

    It is unbelievably difficult to sit in a chair and be asked for case items when you have a constant, terrible head ache and neckache going on. And thinking it's your "case". The question becomes not (Do you have a withold?) The question becomes (Do you have a withold, something horrible that you did that caused you to pull in being in continuous pain in your life, that if said will make your head and neck feel better? So that you will not feel perpetually nauseous and slightly dizzy, and get angry and short with other fellow staff easily?

    Hope that makes sense. Didn't mean to make you angry. I should put some warnings on my stories. May enrage you. :angry:

  11. Good twin

    Good twin Floater

    MO is my HERO


  12. Terril park

    Terril park Sponsor

    You are such a bright spirit. You are loved by everyone here and I'm sure many more.
  13. Lynn Fountain Campbell

    Lynn Fountain Campbell Silver Meritorious Patron

    Absolutely riveting. I've just spent most of my day off reading it.

  14. Div6

    Div6 Crusader


    You didn't enrage was the "keystone cops" antics of "the elite of scientology" that enraged me. You deserve\d SO much better.

    The HCOB O\W A limited Theory points out that overts occur where Help fails. You instinctively knew that and asked for the Disconnection letters NOT to be sent. Maybe you failed to help your Mom, but you didn't want to drop into the overt band. But the RTC droids DID IT ANY WAY. Enforced O\W....I think they do it because they know they cannot truly "help" someone. This is why I rage. It is all so wrong headed and unnecessary.

    And sorry to say but Gold/RTC is squirrel. The first step of handling ANY "psychosis" or Introspection Rundown is A THOROUGH, Sweeping Physical.
    Obviously they quickied that step. If they hadn't, your story would not have been so unecessarily tragic.

    Further, if this is how "upstats" are treated, well, oh yeah, you are getting to your RPF story.

    I hereby award you an ESMB Kha - Khan.
  15. Terril park

    Terril park Sponsor

    TWIN A
    I don't know if it was a general belief that psychiatric patients were considered "Suppressive". I assumed it was, that the people doing Ethics Handlings and PTS Handlings on me had been trained in this regard. Has no one else heard of this? That taking psychiatric drugs is considered Suppressive?

    This is nonsense. Patients are obviously at effect. PTs= effect of an individual.

    I'm communicating to you across the aether. If I
    take some asprin, that makes you PTS?
  16. gomorrhan

    gomorrhan Gold Meritorious Patron

    I was a declared suppressive working on my A to E steps, and had completed all my training and was just waiting for my petition to be approved. I was living with scientologists, going to events and hanging around the org. After one event (FLAG event), Missionaires were doing interviews with people, I'm not sure what the deal was, but I think they were reviewing folders and looking for tech errors on our C/S. This was 1995, September. This Missionaire pulled me aside, into an auditing room, and put me on the meter. She knew my standing, but said it was irrelevant, and she thought she knew why there had been trouble.

    She asked me a few questions, I don't remember what they were, but it was a review of what had happened leading up to my declare. My needle got dirty, and she asked me if I was withholding anything, and I said "no", but she kept probing. Turned out I was withholding that I thought I'd "always been clear", that things tended not to effect me, and I hadn't said anything, because I thought it was impossible to be clear without having done your grades, with some of the grades definitely out. She stopped the session, told me my next action was the clear certainty rundown, and she didn't want me to do it at Boston, because tech was out, there, she had already detected two other "blown staff" who were clear and not recognized on her mission at Boston, and she turned the meter to me, showed my my floating tone arm, and then gave me a bunch of references on Natural Clear, and that I'd voiced the clear cognition (I won't say it here for those who would be offended, but suffice it to say I had decided to be fucked up in order to get along with the other kids at school, and then I was).

    I was f/ning bigtime for many days, until the petition was rejected by IJC because I'd been living with scientologists (the HAS, no less, who hadn't realized that it wasn't okay for me to be there... and I HAD asked her). I had to do my A to E again. I said fuck it, and walked. Haven't been back in a scio org since.
  17. nowout

    nowout Patron with Honors


    Your latest installments were remarkable and really brings up tons of memories of faces and places. I'd forgotten about many of those old friends and foes.

    Those all-hands, all nighters, for '82 renos, HEM, Floods, Fires, SHSBC, Cine Gym, MCI, Events, Saturday renos and DM toastings were just a way of life. Amazing how brainwashed we were and used to hardship and didn't know how much better life is without all those manufactured emergencies, battles and wars.

    There are policies like Ethics Review and so on which is well and good. However what is actually applied by CoS is just completely different. Makes it complete Injustice and a dog's breakfast.

    It's funny that another old friend who went to OTS at the Freewinds made similar comments about you guys' wins were so much better than those OT 8 FCCI completion wins! You definitely could not voice that when you were in as it's such a huge WTF? and red flag.

    Happy trails to you!
  18. Twin A

    Twin A Patron with Honors

    Chapter 13

    Here is my next installment. Thanks all for posting encouraging notes for me and comments and info! This chapter is about my RPF experience. I will be saying some stuff about CCRDs and Clear. I don't have the same views now, so I'm warning anyone not to take this section personally. I know it's a touchy subject. I'm nearing the end of my story, so maybe next I'll pitch in on some of the other discussions on this board and write more about what I think about Clear. Without further adeu..

    After the eating problems were resolved and I was able to sleep, my personal belongings were brought out to me. I owned one trunk worth of stuff and a few boxes. Not much, but I wanted to organize it. I stayed at the Cambell house and organized some of my things. I worked outside during the day with another RPFer, BO, who helped me to build bunk beds. They were for the Int Base RPFers. They were nice. We built them with extra head room and extra sturdy. I stained them a dark, reddish brown and varnished them. Ron Pratt came out to ask me a question, " What did I do wrong?" I was confused. Was I REALLY meant to answer that? Hmmm, let me see, you screwed up one of the simplest commands/processes, you fell asleep on me during a session, you never listened to my originations. :grouch: Anything else? That's about it. Actually, I didn't say that. I had been taught that if I complained about my auditor, I would get asked for witholds and I didn't want to play that game. So I said, "No you didn't do anything wrong, I'm just a big SP, just nail me to a cross..."

    When I arrived on the Int Base RPF in January 1997. the group was out at the "Ranch" near the Soboba Indian Reservation. It was also called "Happy Valley" or Castille Canyon School, which it had been named in the 90's when the Int Base staff decided to have their kids closer to them, rather than leave them in PAC. It actually got set up like a school and I believe got certified as one. One of the supervisors/teachers was a professional teacher before she had joined the SO. She was Jorge Avilla's mom. Can't recall her first name. I worked with Jorge more than I did her. There was also Barbara Thompkins, Leslie Epstein and Dan Prybilski there. Dan was more the administrative head of the entire ranch, not just the school. He was Martin Hapsheid's senior and Casavius T's senior, and they were the farmers/ranch staff and handy crew out there. Gene Tomazavik also worked out there. I heard a rumor that Dan, who used to be the CO CST, had had a nervous breakdown (gone Type 3)earlier and had done the Introspection Rundown at the Cambell House successfully, but had been posted at the Ranch afterwards as an "easier gradient" to being re-assigned back to CST. I was always curious about what happened with him at CST that had driven him over the edge...

    Previous to 1996 and 1995, there was no real "Int Base RPF". A project had been done to cancel any Gold or Int Base RPF programs based on some obscure advice that was found by LRH. I never saw the reference. But that was the end of the GCT essentially. That was back in the late 80's. Due to certain senior executives getting RPFd, and the nature of their RPF assignments, the INT BASE RPF was re-established. It was a colorful group, I have to say. Among the people that were on this program, that could not be allowed to be seen in PAC were: The EX WDC SMI and the Ex CO SMI from the FB --- both of whom had had an affair. Then there was Janadaire, who had been the HCO CHF CMO INT. She was there because she had RPFd someone in PAC who had reported this WDC member. From what I was told, it was for spreading malicious rumors about a senior scientology executive, yet it wasn't really a rumor and I guess Janadaire somehow knew that. Then there was Weibke Hansen from Germany. She was at the Cambell House at first and I met her there. She had been declared a suppressive for things she did and didn't do that had created problems with the German public and the German authorities. I didn't know exactly what. She had been the head of the Hamburg Org. She petitioned to join the Sea Org and do the RPF because she felt that was a better solution than trying to make it on her own, do her own A to E in Germany. Too many people were interested in her in Germany for her to lead a "normal" life there. This was accepted and she did her SO EPF courses at the Cambell House, then went onto the RPF Program. There was also Jeff Kretz, who had been busted from CST for I don't know what, but he was not wanted to be on a PAC RPF program either. Jeff was an interesting guy, he had one of the highest IQs I think I'd ever seen. He was the only person faster than me at turning a blue plan into a set of cut lists and working plans. There was Mark Yaeger, not arrived yet, but about to. There was Mike Sutter, also not arrived yet, but about to. There was Bruce Bromley, from the Snr CS INT Office and BH also from there. I have to say it was quite a cast of characters. Even Ray Mithoff showed up, but that was after my time.

    The very first thing I had to do when I arrived was to build a storage shed for my meager belongings. There was no room in the small storage room being used by the other RPFers, so my things were all dumped outside and left out in the rain. I was told to just leave my things there to get destroyed completely in the mud and rain and work on an RPF Project of pulling weeds on the side of the road. I said, "Fuck you guys, I'm building a shed for my things." And I built a shed out of wood scraps I found lying around. Lucky I did so. Soon there would be ten more people who would ask to also use my shed. And I had built it big enough.

    Sheri from Cine arrived on the RPF about the same time I did. We got along really well and we thought that we could make the RPF fun, just like we made OTS fun and some of our times in the film crew. We wanted to twin with each other!:handinhand: But I was told, after I showed up: THERE IS NO WAY YOU WILL BE ALLOWED TO TWIN WITH SHERI, EVER! by the Security Chf Gold, Uwe. :omg: What the heck??? Why not??? "You know why not..." And I did not know off the top of my head. I had to think about it, could it have been because of my propensity to spout out OT data once in a while? Or was it because recently I had tried to convince her I was Quentin and I'd remembered eating cookies with her, when she was a cute little girl with pig tails, at Daytona in my past life? I thought that was what it was. It wasn't :duh: I got twinned with Tia Christiensen instead and she had never indicated that she'd read any OT data or said anything about them before, but she HAD expressed "bad thoughts" about David Miscavige; she was also a List One R/Ser, so that was my new twin. Tia was thrilled to have me as a twin. She could not believe it that she would get such a "great twin". She said she was really really upset about being told she had been labelled a List One R/Ser, but then she found out that it meant that she would get to twin with me and she said she felt like it was the best thing that had happened to her on the RPF. I was slightly perplexed why Tia admired me so much, since I'd only known her for a couple of months when I'd done some deck work with her at the OGH area, when she was on her way to the RPF. I did ask her why she was impressed with me so much, I was just a crazy lunatic and Tia said, "Well, just from when we worked together out at OGH and I heard many great things about you, you are just a really cool person..." It almost made me cry. :touched: I wished I felt great about having her as my Twin. She and I were exactly the same case level, and formal training level --at the beginning, around Objectives. But she hadn't studied all the technical training film scripts, nor had all the work experience I had. I was worried that she and I would take absolutely forever to get through the program. I also felt guilty that I was having these selfish feelings. I mean Tia was as deserving of me as a twin as anyone, why couldn't I be happy about it? Why did I keep thinking "God, this kid is really going to slow me down?" I did have a dark side, and I was really struggeling with it. Putting me on the RPF supposedly to "handle" seemed to just make it even bigger. It was like another big wrong indication.

    A little more about my arrival on the RPF. I was still kind of whacked out, in the head. I wasn't hearing radio waves anymore or insisting that I was LRH's son/successor returned.... but I had started insisting that I was LRH in my "past life" ! --- I'd "become him "after my motorcycle accident, which any normal human being would have died from, from a broken back and neck. But the great spirit of LRH came and fixed up the body and kept it going....and he was now I... I also felt that I could talk to animals and also pick up vibrations from things and object that would tell me if they were toxic or good for me... Woo hooo. I was out there.

    One of the first people to have to deal with me when I showed up at the RPF site from my relay point, the Cambell House, was Bruce Bromley. He gave me a tour of the little camp they'd set up at the far end of the Ranch. There were trailers for the women's dorm, the mens' dorm and the eating area and the courseroom. There were cactuses around the sides of the place to keep away cyotes and cougars. There were some really nice flower beds and such that Janadaire had planned out and the other RPFers had done the landscaping for. The idea was to make the place look nice, more like a cheerful resort/camp than a sinister RPF area. It almost worked. Everyone was also in white T-Shirts and blue shorts and no one was allowed to put on black or dark blue. No one wanted to locals, Soboba Indians, to get the wrong idea.

    I was feeling kind of sick and scared. Bruce decided to take me for a walk and give me a locational to help me out. But I found it very hard to concentrate. He'd say, "Look at that...." and I would say, "You know I was LRH in my past life, and I remember you...hey, there is something incorrect about the compiled issue about the CCRD. There is an instruction on it to sec-check anyone claiming to be 'past life Clear' to make sure they are being honest about it, that they aren't trying to rabbit away from Engrams by pretending to be Clear, or get it for status reasons.... I thought it was in the bulletin, but it just isn't done. Anyone can just say, "Oh I'm past life Clear" and they avoid NED completely. Way more people are claimng that I had audited them in a past life than I ever really did! It's nuts. The state of Clear no longer really means anything. People are getting up to their OT levels and they are trying to run their own bypassed cases out on them. There are things wrong with the grade chart..." and Bruce would say, "Look at that...." and I would try, but I coudln't! I would say more, " You know these new e-meters, that automatically adjust the sensitivity. This could be really bad. There is no digital read out of what the sensitivity is. One isn't supposed to adjust sensitivity during listing, but this meter WILL do that, in the middle of a listing action. There is no "on" off switch for it. It's putting something on automatic that the auditor must have some control over. DM is off the rails... what the F____ is he doing? "

    I had no idea why I was saying these things! It just kept coming out of my mouth. I didn't know anything about sensitivity settings on e-meters. I'd never had to use one except on the set for filming. Bruce tried to continue the locational... "Look at that..." and I interrupted again and I said, "Hey, when I was out at Creston, Pat had these animals and I learned how to talk to them. Want me to show you? " There was a corral with some horses next to us, it was a short distance from the RPF site and we'd walked right near it for the Locational. Peggy Eastment had a beautiful quarter horse there, there was another Belgian draft horse named Loretta (after Loretta Switt from Mash, because I guess Dan P. or the previous owners likened the long blond main and the stout build to Loretta) and one other horse that I don't really remember the name of. At this point, Bruce I guess figured I wasn't going to do the Locational, so he quit and said, "Sure, show me." As I was taking my shoes off outside the corral, I explained to Bruce that animals communicated with facsimilies, mental image pictures, carried along a frequency like wave, similar to a radio wave. A person could "tune in" but one had to get past any interference, kind of like running "rudiments" One had to resolve any issues between yourself and the animal that would make the animal not want to communicate with you, or you not able to communicate with them. I told Bruce that I had been on mostly a purely vegetarian diet recently (which I had) so I didn't have animal blood on my hands, I was "clean". And this was helpful but not entirely necessary. Then I said that I believed that the animals were GODs too. I respected them as spirits, I didn't see them as "just dumb animals" and so my "ruds" were in. So, the first step is to get their ruds in... I said I am going to put myself at their mercy. I 'm going to trust that their sense of justice is perfect and I'm going to take off my shoes and sit down in the middle of the corral and close my eyes. They can trample me, they can do whatever they feel like it. And I'm going to try and get through to them, tune into them. So I climbed over the fence railing with my bare feet and I sat in the middle of the three horses and I closed my eyes. I felt this strange grief feeling at first, I let myself cry, and i thought, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry for all the years since the destruction of the Native American cultures, in which most of the human race have treated the horse gods with disrespect and have not listened to them about important world matters... I feel like I've really let you down....please forgive me and talk to me again..." And then the horses, all three of them walked towards me and lined up in front of me. They turned away from me so that their rear ends were aimed at me. It was if they were saying, Shame on You, we reject you. But then, they just sat there. I could hear the wind and smell the air around me. I could hear the leaves in the Oak trees near by rustling. I was worried that the horses would not talk to me, it was like they were saying "F____ You" , you aren't worth talking too. And then they turned around together and walked towards me. All three were sniffing at me and I nuzzling me and making sounds. It was a sight to see. I felt like they were urging me to stand up, so I did. Then they kind of stomped their hooves on the ground and I got this distinct thought into my head, they were angry about the aqueduct, that had been diverting water towards Los Angeles because it made this land so dried up. They were mad about being kept in a corral all the time and being treated like pets, they wanted to get out do some work. What's with always using the smelly poluting tractor?" I then relayed my thoughts to Bruce. I got out of the corral and I told Bruce what they said, as I was speaking, the horses kind of stomped their hooves and made sounds as if to agree with me. I could tell by the look on Bruce's face that he was partially impressed, but also thought I was nuttier than a fruitcake! God only knows if this was all in my imagination, or somehow I had tuned into the animal language channel. I did kind of feel like Dr. DooLittle at that moment in time. Part of me thought it was great, another part of me wanted it to end. I felt that if I truly was "OT enough" to talk to animals, it wouldn't make me so dysfunctional, it wouldn't make me seem like a nut. This thing, whatever I was going through, was crazy. It wasn't right. I wasn't eating right, I wasn't sleeping well, I could not concentrate on anything. I was not a functional human being. I was still crazy.

    So, finally, I did look at a few things and I went back to the RPF site with Bruce. Janadaire was there. She and Bruce were trying to get me to eat something substantial. I hadn't eaten all day since I'd arrived in the morning. Janadair had a bright idea, "Let's go pick vegetables" and we'll make something for you to eat with those. She knew I liked vegetables, the organic ones from the Ranch. So I got up to go with her. Then I had this strange thing happen where I was blacking out, but when I came to, I was still standing and walking and doing things. It was like my body was awake and moving and walking, but my mind wasn't. It was cutting in and out, like I was short circuiting. Janadaire had a concerned look on her face. At one point, when I was holding one side of a milk crate and it was full of vegetables, I upended it and started swinging it violently and I said, "Pat Broeker is dead isn't he? Or is he? Maybe he need to get back? What if LRH wants to return and all the familiar faces that he knew before are gone? He won't be able to recover his memory. You know, like the dalai Llama does? I bet LRH is Jet Travolat! He must be. JT made sure that he had no pre natal and birth engrams. What a great home, a rich celebrity with a loving, doting, Scientology Mom and Dad. Someone who knows LRH really well needs to go talk to Jet, or LRH will get lost. It's GOT to be done before the IAS EVENT! I HAVE TO GET OUT OF THE RPF AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!!!!! At which point Janadaire took the milk crate from me, put the vegetables back in and said, "Do you want some tomatoes too?" I thought, "Shit, did I actually say all that to Janadaire and she ignored me, or was I just thinking it so loudly that I heard myself?" And then I was kind of blank again and the next thing I know, I'm back at the RPF site and I have finished eating dinner and my vegetables. What the heck? :omg: I could not remember ANY of the time between when I thought I was actually talking to Janadaire and when I had just finished eating some vegetables.. I helped to clean up and then I sat at this table and stared at the B & W picture of LRH on the wall of the eating area (also, after cleaned up, was the courseroom). Bruce Bromley came back in and told me I should get cleaned up, take a shower and get ready for course. I just stared into space. Then he said, "Hey, do you want a cigarette?" I said sure. I'd started smoking a little at the Cambell house with Sheri, so I didn't gag on them anymore... I took a cigarette and I held it up and smiled towards Janadaire and i said, in a pretend deep voice, "Messenger!" She humored me and brought the ashtray over and lit my cigarette for me. It made me laugh. Laughing was good. Then I kind of blanked out again and I woke up in the women's bathroom. Janadaire was trying to get me to take a shower. Wow, I thought, this is cool... I get to be in the shower with Janadaire. She's hot. But I felt kind of numb and all I could do was stare at the shower knobs. They were shiny. The water was warm. My mind wouldn't concentrate on anything. Janadaire started to towel me off. I felt more with it, so I was able to take over. I dried myself off and put my clothes back on. Where did my clean clothes come from? They were mine. Did I get them? My toothbrush was there. How did that get there? Did I put it there? I was confused. :confused2: It this what catatonics sometimes feel? When their brains cut in and out intermittently? Something in the middle of my back was really hurting, like a really sharp pain. Did I have kidney stones or something? Or was I just really thirsty? I wanted to talk to the MLO. I asked Janadaire if I could call Cynthia, the MLO. She said she would find out for me.

    I walked out towards the phone. John Wiley was there, the RPF IC at that time (it was Chris Guider later), he said, he would take me to a phone where I could call. I could not use the RPF phone. John walked me towards the school house. There was a Security Office in between some of the school spaces for the kids. We went there. On the way over, I started talking to JW. I told hiim the RPF was "off-source" and he should be ashamed of himself. I knew he took long coffee breaks down by the Cambell House. JW had this dog with us named "Lady". It was a Rottweiler doberman mix. Beautiful and protective dog. It apparently really liked me. It was kind of the INT Base RPFs mascot, along with Jester. This cat that hid under the food trailer all the time and had this crazy sounding meow. It shared a food bowl with Lady. I continued to tell JW that I respected him because he was a Vitenam Vet. I knew some of what he'd been through. One of the pro-talent we'd hired for one of the versions of the E-Meter Reads Drill film, was a Green Beret. In between shots, he would chat with his microphone on and I heard some of his storys. He'd told this one story where he was in a large room with many other soldiers, maybe a hospital tent, hot sure. Anyway, it got attacked, and to avoid being captured, this Green Beret guy had to smear blood all over himself and take some severed body parts and dead bodies from the explosion and bury himself under them. To make it look like he was carnage and not alive. It worked and he survived, but he'd had nightmares about it for a very long time. I imagined that JW had nightmares too? He was a medic in Vietnam, it must have been horrible. When I looked over at JW, his face was impassive and completely devoid of expression. I guess this was a touchy subject. Why the heck did I bring that up? What was I doing? back hurt. It felt like someone had punched me in the kidneys. Had I fallen when I was out picking vegetables? I couldn't even remember. I got on the phone and Cynthia "wasn't available" but Uwe, the Security Chf was. He was going to come out and see me. JW and I walked back.

    While I waited for Uwe to come to talk to me. I had written this really long letter to give to my CS AK. It was all about how off source the RPF was and that DM had made all these squirrel orders, the white T-Shirts, the summer camp "look", it was non-sense. Why be ashamed of the RPF program? Why undermine LRH FOs? I wanted AK to send me a blue T-Shirt because I was going to rebel against COB's orders. I wanted to know WHY, I didn't like just getting orders to follow that were contrary to the Flag Orders. It upset me. It was damn confusing to me. I was taught in the SO that it was the Godamn END OF THE WORLD if I didn't follow Command Intention and Source teachings and the ever so GREAT Flag Orders. And HERE DM was changing things, with no EXPLANATION. It was like Bait and Switch. I'd signed up for LRH's Program, but what I was getting was DM's program. PL and some of the other RPFers had said, "What does it matter what color your T-Shirt is?" and I kind of half agreed, but it was the principle of it! Damn it. It wasn't really about the color of the T-Shirts. Uwe seemed friendly enough, pretended to agree how important my letter to AK was and told me how he would personally deliver it. I told Uwe that I Knew what the problem was really! and he smiled and said, "What MO? What is the problem really?" and I said, "You know my birthday is June 24th. If you ad two and four together, it equals 6. The 6th month of the year is also 6. Then one of the numbers in my year is also 6. That's 666! Did you know that my address where I grew up also has a 6 in it? And my childhood apartment's phone number! There are 6's everywhere in my life! " Uwe said, "Yeh, you devil, you are trouble" and he laughed. He made me laugh. As he walked out the door, he looked back at me and smiled and said, "666" and walked out. I realized that I had not talked to the MLO about my back, and the pain in my kidneys. It was still there. It hurt like a M____ F_____.
    I wondered if I was maybe thirsty. I had not had any water for a couple of days...

    I got down the steps and I saw Janadair and Bruce Bromley again. Janadaire said, "So.." are you going to see Cynthia?" I said Um, No. Uwe said she wasn't avaiilable. They asked me if I was going to go to sleep now, I must be tired. I'd been not sleeping for a while. I said, maybe. I felt dehydrated. I wanted to soak in a tub, with some epsom salts. I needed some water to drink, some good water. Not the water at the ranch which had too much sulfur. Bruce said he might be able to arrange it. So Janadaire took me to a tub at one of the houses on the Ranch. I think it was Cassaviuss room. I guess he went to bed later, or he was at the base for some reason. We filled up the tub and I soaked for a while. She even added Epsom salts. I also got some bottled water. I was feeling better. I thought maybe I could get some sleep now. The middle of my back still ached, but not as much.

    I tried to sleep in the dorm, but there were other women snoring loudly. I got up at about 4AM finally, I think I'd dozed for maybe an hour, but not much. I started writing notes to AK again, long introspective notes about the world and my case. All very important to write, none of it very coherent. Then I went outside barefoot. I knew my feet liked that. I walked around barefoot for a while in shorts and my Tshirt. I saw PL outside, he was on the night watch. There had been some cougar sightings and he was looking out for them and also making sure no one tried to "blow" in the middle of the night. The dog Lady was outside too. She followed me around. I saw a Tarantula, and it spoke to me "Take a walk and look around, the world isn't such a horrible place". I went over to PL and I told him the Tarantula had spoken to me! PL smiled and said, "Oh yeh, and what did he say?" I told him. Then I told him I was REALLY LRH in my past sideways life. PL said, " Oh, do you want a cigarette?" And I had a cigarette with him. "Hey, shouldn't you be sleeping?" and I said, "Yeh" and I walked back to my dorm. But I could not sleep. Still loud snoring going on. My mind wouldn't stop thinking about everything....

    In the morning, I saw Joan Treasure walk by. I waved and said "Hi Joan". She didn't say Hi back. I kind of followed a bit behind her. She had BO's folders and I guess was doing something with him. I told her that I thought that maybe I was going to get to finish my Objectives. She said, Yeh, but that's not what you are CSd" And I said , "What am I CSd for?" and she said, "You'll see..."

    About an hour later, Greg Wilhere and John Brousseau showed up from RTC. They were in charge of internal security, or holding it from above I guess. Greg Wilhere wanted to see me. I stood in front of him waiting for him to talk to me. I was kind of nervous. I had my lucky hat on, a black baseball cap that said "Steadicam" on it and I had it on backwards. Mitch Brisker had given it to me. I liked Mitch, even though I'd been kind of rude towards him the last time I was on the set. My lucky hat would protect me. But Greg said, "Take that stupid f______ cap off!" and he ripped it off my head. Yikes, he was serious. Then he said that I was being declared a Suppressive Person. Two people had blown from the RPF since I had arrived (Bruce Bromley and JW) and I had come up as an "enturbulative source". I hadn't done much of any work and had been distracting others from their programs. So he was declaring me a "suppressive Person" . He then held up a Knowledge Report that I had written the day before on Shelly Miscavige. I had written it in black sharpie since that's all I had to write with. It was just a couple of sentences. It said, "Shelly violated Petition Policy and violated my right to Petition whoever I needed to petition. She should follow LRH policy and not her own, because she is in RTC." Greg Wilhere shoved this in my face and said, "THIS means you are sick and need help!" You MUST have a bunch of WITHOLDS. I started to laugh but I kept it to myself. Then Greg Wilhere said that Tom Woodruff would be helping me with my A to E steps but I would not be allowed to talk to anyone else in the RPF, he was my "IJC" basically. Then I was sent to dig tree holes on the edge of the RPF Site. The old house up at BV had been torn down, and all the Orange Trees leading up to it were going to be transplanted to the Ranch. I had to dig 16 tree holes for these huge old Orange Trees. I got handed a pick and a shovel. Tom sat off to the side watching me work. He was kind enough to bring me water once in a while and take me to eat after or before the rest of the crew.

    I had a back brace on and my knee braces, but the work was still painful. It took me forever to pick and shovel through the rocks to make tree holes big enough. I was glad when Tom said that I had to get cleaned up before the other women got into the bathroom. So I took a shower and then I went to the laundryroom area and a table and chairs were there. I was supposed to read some Ethics references about A to E steps. I told Tom, "hey Tom, Mr. Wilhere said I had "witholds", maybe I should do an OW write up?" Tom said, "yeh, sure, go for it." So I started writing. One of the first things I thought of was something that AK made me think about, in a session in early '95 before she'd gone on mission, but I had not told her. It was when I was 4 years old in a foster care home. The son of the foster mother had locked me in a closet and wouldn't let me out until I sucked his dick. I was embarassed about it. I had told her that I did not do it, but the guy had gotten violent towards me and slammed my head into the closet wall. It made me afraid of further pain, so I did it. I had lied to AK, and she "missed it" , so I wrote that down. It was hard to write about. I had wanted to be honest with AK, but I had to get back to post, and I didn't want to talk about it. I also didn't want AK to think less of me. I didn't want her to think I was weak and a coward, but I guess, in that instance I had been one... afraid of a memory.... afraid of something that wasn't even in the room with me. I cried when I wrote it. Not because I was feeling sorry for my four year old self, but because I missed AK, she was my favorite auditor and I felt like she'd deserted me and just thrown me to tthe wolves. I would have eventually told her if she had not left and gone on mission in the middle of my Assist Program. :bigcry:

    It occurred to me after writing a few more things down, that yeh, I had some "witholds" that had been missed. But in each instance, it was majorly due to being rushed in the session, not hving enough time, and then losing the auditor. I'd always had the idea that I had this auditor for my whole program, and so if I didn't have time to explain something or I wasn't ready to talk about what they had directed my attention to.... that I COULD talk about it later. There would be another session.... and there never was! The auditors in Gold could ask me whatever the heck they wanted, stir up whatever traumatic or difficult thing in my past, ( even if it was something that I coudn't asnwer easily or in a short amount of time, but then they had no obligation whatsoever to stay in session with me until it wasn't on my mind anymore! They could send me home having nightmares and it would mean nothing to them. They could just FN some other question, that infamous "Earlier Similar" , change the subject and talk about some imaginary past life (to me, I'm not saying all past lives are imaginary), question. And it suited them fine, because they always had an overloaded PC schedule, so -- -hey Got that damn FN! lets end the session and get the next PC. Next! Come on Go Go go. But it wasn't the end really. Nor for me. My childhood was kind of rough and I didn't like people digging around who really did not know what the heck they were doing. The next day, they were supposed to see me again, but they would be gone. Busted on a correction cycle, re-doing their TRs because Shelly ordered it, helping on the GAT compilation project, sec checking COB stalkers... if "having witholds" MADE people SPS, then the auditors of Qual GOLD were experts at creating SPs. Sure I was critical at that moment in time--- There I was, declared an SP, my mind possibly taken over by "missed withold" phenomenon and what had I DONE to these auditors to get them to treat me like that? I worked my ass off making the Tech Training Films for them! Did I ever get a Thanks? This was my Thanks, dumped on the RPF and Declared an SP. Shit, I guess i had better write more. I was still being "critical". :whatever:

    Well, I wrote pages and pages. Tom checked them for me, made sure none of it was general, I had to put specifics. That was helpful., because when I was upset, things did get pretty generalized and incoherent. It's important to keep things from getting vague . After a while, Tom seemed to act friendlier towards me, did I detect a hint of respect perhaps? What had I done to earn it? Maybe something I'd written had pulled on his heart strings a little? I wasn't just some trouble maker anymore to him I guess, I actually had an excuse and I faced up to it. I'd confessed to having kept diaries and calenders with notes in them during my Sea Org life. I'd kept track of how much sleep I'd gotten, how much study and auditing I'd gotten, many things. This is how I really knew by facts, that I'd only gotten 2.5 hours of sleep average in 1993, that I'd only slept 4.5 hours a night average in 1994. It was all in my diary. Tom and some others went through my personal things and took all my diaries and notes. He said "The CS needed them" and I never saw them again.

    I finished my write up and I did feel better for it. I didn't feel so crazy, either simply the excersize of thinking in specifics helped to calm my troubled mind, or just writing about these things that auditors had stirred up on me in the past that I'd never gotten to talk about. I wrote apologys to Peter Cook and Diana Hubbard and some others for bugging them about Quentin Hubbard. I realized that it probably wasn't a very nice thing to do to bring that up the way I did. I apologized to others for other things I thought might have been considered "enturbulative" . Somehow, I did feel calmer. But I STILL felt critical of DM and Management, something stil making me feel so angry. :grouch: I got a place to sleep NOT in the women's dorm, so I finally got some sleep. No snoring. It was quiet. No one shaking my bunk, tossing and turning, or getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I got a few good nights sleep finally. I had a mattress put on the floor of the courseroom for me and that's where I had slept at nights. In the morning, around the third day into my SP declare, Tom walked up to me and told me that my SP declare had been lifted because I'd worked so hard on the Tree Holes, and my OW wrtie up, and I'd showed change. I was going to just do the RPF Program now. I got assigned to work on one of the teams.

    When I started working with JM on the team that was doing some carpentry projects. I noticed how many people were on the RPF. I hadn't noticed it really before. There were about 40 people there. Most of them doing gardening and farming projects. I said out loud, raising my voice to a scream at the end practically, "My God, look at all this man-power. The Sets Department in Gold is completely OVERLOADED and none of the Sets guys sleep, because they have so much work to do, and here we are ---- getting plenty of sleep at night and trying to find projects to keep us busy! It's NUTS" So after the work that day, I took a quick shower, and I wrote a petition to WDC GOLD to allow the RPF to work on Sets and Props projects. I cited the example that LRH had used the RPF in the 70's to build the sets to his hideous film, "Man the Unfathomable" (I didn't write the word 'hideous', but it was). I sent in my petition and it got approved! :happydance:

    In the meantime, back in my own mind, I was having this horrible trapped feeling. I wanted to visit my Mom, my family. I was upset that my sister wasn't talking to me. I felt so isolated.:innocent2: I'd gotten some assists for the pain I was in and I got this weird idea all of a sudden, that maybe the reason why I was pulling in all this PAIN was because I had been cruel to my MOM! And I HAD TO go be nice to her, otherwise I was going to suffer and feel bad the rest of my life. She didn't deserve me not visiting her. She'd been promised by the recruiter that I would visit her every year. But in all of 14 years, I had only seen her for a total of 6 days cumulatively. So, one morning, I just packed a back pack, woke up early and ran away. I ran towards the mountains and I crawled under wild bushes and brush, crossed sand pits, hiked and hiked. I got to a clearing, a road, I was happy, I could just follow it to civilization. But the dog, Lady had followed me! Several teams of RPFers had been sent out looking for me when I had not showed up for morning muster. They could not have caught up with me. But Lady had been following me the whole time! Damn it! It was hard to be mad at Lady. She was just doing her job, being a guard dog and making sure I didn't get attacked by a mountain lion or something.

    I suddently saw something coming down this road or fire break or whatever it was. It was the Gold Security SUV. Russ Andrus was driving it. I tried to dive into the bushes and hide and let the SUV drive past, but Lady stayed on the road and was practically pointing at me and wagging her tail. I called her name, tried to get her to hide with me, but she just barked when I said her name! So Russ found me. I didn't try to run away. I was exhausted and starving. I'd had no breakfast. Russ had some food inside the truck. I sat down inside the truck eating some french fries and peeling an orange he had given me. I told Russ I didn't want to go back to the RPF site. He said I didn't have to. "Cool " I said. He said that I did have to talk to Uwe, first, just to sort some things out. I agreed. He drove me back to the Ranch to meet Uwe. I said, NOT Back to the RPF site. Russ said OK.

    When I got to the Ranch, Uwe was there and he sat next to me in the SUV. He said he originally wanted to talk in the Ranch Security office, but one of the kids had been red-tagged and Barbara Thompkins was using it to give him/her a session. I said, OK, fine. We can talk in the truck. Uwe said, so what's up? I said I wanted to go see my family. I missed them. I said I didn't think I wanted to be in Scientology anymore either. Uwe said that I coudln't just leave like that. It was called blowing. I said, who cares if I blow? I was sent to the RPF. That's like being fired isn't it? If I don't do the program, I'm not allowed to stay in the SO, nobody would want me. So who the F____ cares? We got out of the truck and walked around a little. Anthony Bolstad and Darren just happend to walk by. Ant saw me and smiled with a big smile and said "HI AUNT!" and I said, "HI ANT" back. I felt badly, weren't they my family too? But I really was not allowed to speak to them. Uwe wanted to get back inside the truck. I told Uwe that me and Scientology aren't mixing very well. If staying and doing the RPF Program was proper "Scientology", then I couldn't do it. I could not agree with punishing me. Uwe asked, "What about your husband Bruce?" I felt like crying. Bruce had not spoken to me since mid 1996, and I'd not even been in the same room with him since mid 1994. Uwe, it's not RIGHT that I'm on the RPF. I haven't harmed the church, I have always been a hard worker. You KNOW that. You know me! You know how hard I've worked in the SO. We've known each other for years, What am I doing on the RPF? Why did I really get declared an SP? Was I CSd for it? Did AK CS me to get declared? Or someone in RTC? I know I upset Bruce Bromley and he blew, but I had NO IDEA that he felt guilty about stat pushing the CCRD completions in the late 80's. No idea. I don't even know if that's why he blew, maybe he'd been planning it before I'd even got there! Why did it get blamed on me? Look, I just know that this isn't working out for me and I need to get on with my life.

    Uwe, said, OK, I've heard all that you've said. We can deal with this. I want to show you something, we need to go to an office space. He started to drive towards the RPF Site! Uwe, I am not going back! He kept driving. Stop the damn car! Uwe said, "Look, I just want to use the trailer as my office, it's no big deal". He had me sit in front of him at a desk in the back of the men's dorm trailer. He had me read something. I don't even remember what it was. Then he told me that I was officially declared a Suppressive Person again. I said "What????" I got up and I left the trailer, I walked outside and I started to walk out of the RPF Site. I was just going to walk out. I said, "WELL IF I'M DECLARED, THEN I DON'T HAVE TO DO THE RPF DO I?" I'm going home. Tom Woodruff and another guy stopped me. Tom stood in front of me and grabbed my arms. I pushed his hands off of me and then I lunged at him and wrapped my hands around his neck. I started to choke him. I said, "Let me fucking go" And then someone had pulled me off of Tom and slammed me down on the ground really hard. I landed on my back. I started screaming, "I'm not BAD, I'm not BAD". I started to cry. Jean Disher came out and she calmly walked over and said, "Hey Mo, wanna go for a walk and have a cigarette?" The other guys had let go of me and I was just sitting in the dirt. I thought, OK, if Jean is trusted enough to walk around outside the RPF Camp boundries, then I guess I'll go with her. Jean told the guys, "We are just going to get some space, go for a walk, it'll be OK" She smiled. She seemed so calm, it was weird. The guys were all pumped up and hostile. Jean and I walked around a bit. It was a full moon. We smoked a cigarette. Jean told me a story about when she was a school teacher in Boston. I loved Jean's accent. It was a funny story. It made me laugh. She told me about her brother and how he got his picture in National Geographic for the renovations work he'd done as a weldsman on Old Ironsides. "My brother is a celebrity" she laughed. Jean told me how her best friend when she was on the East Coast was named Maureen and how I kind of reminded her of this other Maureen. I talked to Jean too about some funny stories. I told Jean what I thought was on the OT Levels and she said she thought I'd make a good reg. I said, "I don't ever want to do that!" and she laughed. I started to think about Jean and not just myself. Jean had a kid that she wasn't allowed to see. And she could not just walk out and be declared or she'd possibly NEVER see him again. Jean told me that since I'd showed up, since she somehow mystically was able to "handle' me well, she was getting more help on her program, more privelages, she'd been promoted to the RPF Qual In Charge. She didn't right out say it, but I figured it out. If I walked out right then, she would be screwed. So I agreed to go back.

    My twin, Tia, had been assigned to the RPFs RPF. For whatever reason, I had not also been assigned. She thought she'd made a mistake on my last assist and that's why I'd blown. How could you make a mistake on a damn assist? I wondered if anyone knew that I was questioning Scientology all together. Did Uwe tell them that? I felt bad for Tia. She probably wishes she wasn't my twin anymore now.

    I went to work setting up the new equipment that the Sets and Props guys from Cine had brought over. I built a seriously awesome table for the new Ryobi Table Saw. Tom Woodruff's team and JMs team (the one I was on) built a level deck for construction work and for setting up the sets for painting. I got complete cooperation on all my ideas for the carpentry area, from the wood storage area to the chop saw table and table saw. I was the most experienced in carpentry and set construction there, beside JM who got made the Bosun. The RPF teams got training for each stage of set construction and painting/decorating we would be involved in. Janadaire and Tia and Weibke were all on the painting team. This was appropriate since all three were artists. Weibke had been a fine art painter prior to her Scientology life. Janadaire also had personal experience in design and art. Tia had her own paint set in her luggage and colored pencils. I knew she was artistic. Tom W. and 5 other guys were assigned to the main set wall building. They got so fast at reading a blue plan and making a wall to fit the specifications. They could build an entire 10' wide set wall, from nothing to completely framed and ready for painting in TWO minutes. My Team got assigned to more specialty items like Soffits, moulding, set floors. Things that required extra tools and skills.

    We were an awesome construction team. We built all the sets for "The Session" which took place in a space ship, TRs In LIfe, which had special 'period' sets. " Why TRs" which also took place on another planet. We constucted set pieced for the INt Events too. We were told that we had saved the Cof S hundred of thousands of dollars, money that would have been spent hiring others to make what was needed. I remember when the Sets Chief anounced this and I overheard Tom Woodruff say quietly, "Yeh, it's because of cheap labor..." For a second, it flashed through my mind that I'd made a mistake with my petition. That now, the RPF would be harder to graduate, because we'd all become this "money saving" construction team. It would be more "Bean Return" to keep us all on the program. Shit!

    During "The Session" set construction, I found a flaw in the working plans for the set floors. I looked at the blue plans and tried to figure out how to fix it. JM wanted to know what I was doing, shouldn't I be working on a project right then? I told him that I found out from Adam in the Sets Dept. (I wasn't supposed to talk to him but I did, I'd asked him how the set we'd built worked out) that it had taken ALL NIGHT for the Sets Team to assemble to set floor for the first and smallest set we'd made. I said that that was unacceptable. We should be giving Adam and the Sets Team something that would take MINUTES to install into the studio. The biggest problem were the floors. The working plans had us carving out each individual floor design and the having the Sets team assemble it like a jigsaw puzzle later. JM and I talked about it a bit. We worked out that we could carve the patterns out in large sheets of MDF and then have the painters paint it to give the patterns more depth. I drew out a construction plan which detailed which sheets of MDF would get which carvings. The first big set to do this way would be The Galley Set. It meant carving out a set floor the size of 16 Large Sheets of MDF with these very precise geometric patterns. It would take the Sets Team weks to install a jigsaw puzzle this size, we HAD to do it my way. So the next day, we set up some router guides to my specifications and two teams of people carved out the floor pattersn. Then I showed Janadaire and the paint team how it fit together so that they could paint it. The Sets Chief came and picked it up. He was skeptical. The Art Director (Henning Bendorf) had insisted of CARVING OUT EACH INDIVIDUAL PATTERN, to make it look real. What a psycho.

    Anyway, the next morning the Sets Chf came by and he was smiling and Happy. He said it took FIFTEEN minutes to set up the new floor. AND there were almost no touch ups and it looked great on camera. I was a hero!

    I had been making an effort on the RPF to have manners and treat others with respect, even if I really thought that they were an idiot. I had to train myself to be considerate. I had to, because I didn't want to end up being an "only one". I did not want to end up working alone, or getting all the most difficult jobs assigned to me because I was somehow "the only one" who could do it. No, I wanted to have a team with me. I learned on the RPF, that I didn't have to shout profanities at someone to get them to see my point of view. AND I could get their cooperation in a friendly peaceful way and make them feel good about their work and ideas and not put them down because I had a better idea than they did. It was getting easier and easier to be nice to people, but there were moments when I'd revert to my old ways...

    I'll give you an example. There was this time when I was working on the TRs In Life Southern Mansion set, and I was making some plexiglass windows for a working door. I was telling this young guy, Memo what to do. I mistakenly ordered Memo to cut a piece of plexiglass too short. He questioned my order. We were on a tight deadline time wise and this was the last piece to be finished on this set before the Sets department arrived to pick it up. I instantly assumed that he was an idiot, countering my decision, and I screamed at him, "Just cut the godamn thing!". Memo, paused again and said, "something isn't right here" and I just said, "You F____g Idiot, Just Cut it!" and Memo cut it. We were installing the pieces into the set and this one piece was too short. I was mortified. The Set's Chief came to pick up the set and the Bosun had to explain why the set wasn't totally ready. The Sets Chief screamed, "Who the F___ has delayed the set?" He was mad. They had talent scheduled that night for the walk throughs. Talent that cost money. The Bosun said it was me, "Mo made a mistake on the window, she's getting it fixed".

    The Sets Chf, Ron Summerville, to my surprise, did not get mad at me. He laughed, "I can't believe it... is that true MO?YOU made a mistake?" ! I faced him and said, "Yes, Sir, I'm sorry, it will be fixed soon". Memo, having already forseen this possibility had this great idea of gluing two pieces of plexi together on a seam and we cut these two out and glued them together and it worked. I could have kissed Memo. But I was mad at him a little bit. I kind of needed to talk to him after the set was done. So we turned over the set to the Sets Chief and he said, "Well Mo, I would have been outraged if anyone else besides you had made me wait, you truly have saved me so many man hours that I can't get mad at you, but don't make any more mistakes." and then he smiled and laughed and left. Nonetheless I felt kind of bad, my sense of professionalism and my sense of just being a perfectionist was gnawing at me. I had to have a chat with my teammate Memo. I said, "Memo, why didn't you say anything?" and as I asked that question, I realized that he HAD said something and I'd screamed and cussed at him for it. I felt bad. But Memo, didn't reply, "I did and you were a bitch and I had to do what you said." Instead he said, "I was confused. When I first arrived here on the RPF, I was assigned to work with you. I had no clue what was going on or what I was doing. I was told, 'just do what Mo says and you will be OK'. And it's been true. I've been working with you for months, doing everything you told me to do and showed me to do and you were amazingly right about everything. Everything. I mean within a 1/32nd of an inch right! So, when I saw that the plexiglass window piece looked too small to me. The first thought through my head was not, 'this piece is too small' --- it was 'did the great MO make a mistake? Could it be possible that she is WRONG?' I questioned my own reality instead of insisting that you review the measurement and I'm sorry." It almost made me cry. I kind of felt like Memo had kind of grown up at that moment. He went on to become a team IC and I was humbled. He'd help chip away at this anger and arrogance that I had in myself that I hated so much. Too bad that was not why I was sent to the RPF. I could have been humbled, become a better listener and working better with other team members and I'd have graduated! But, alas, I was RPFed for complaining about David Miscavige, only the RPF didn't cure me of that... it made me obsessive about it... more on that later...

    Another time I got mad was when a set wall fell over in the wind. I got up and screamed "Who didn't fucking put a brace on this set wall? Fucking Idiot! The walls always have to be braced and screwed down right away..." Chuck jumped up and said, " I confess, it was me... I'll fix the set wall." I thought, "shit, I like Chuck, he's one of my best workers on my team, I can always count on him to do a great job and extra when I give him my cut lists and assembly instructions... So I said, "That's OK, Chuck, you didn't know... I've been in Sets for a long time, I've forgotten too... it's not a big deal." I tried to make him not feel so badly. Damn it, I have to stop calling my co-workers idiots. Would I have apologized to someone else? I don't know, maybe not.

    One morning, I woke up early again, around 4 Am and I could not sleep. I was confused. Am I still declared an SP? I'm doing my RPF program like everyone else. I wanted to take a walk. I wanted to FEEL like I was on the RPF of my own free will. I did not like FEELING like I was being forced to do this program. I just wanted to walk out the gate and back again and prove to myself that I COULD. So I walked out the front gate. Of course, I set off the motion sensor and the Security Guard Mike Collins, came and started walking next to me. He told me that I needed to come back. I told him I was just going for a walk and I'd be back before muster. He was nice actually didn't try to touch me. Then Chris Guider drove up and JM, the Bosun showed up. Chris and JM tackled me. Chris was an X pro rugby player. He was really strong. JM held my feet so I wouldn't kick. They stuffed me into the car. I dropped my lucky hat. I screamed out, "my lucky hat!" Mike Collins tossed my black "Steadicam" hat into the car for me. I had this cartoon flash through my head. It was a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Bugs had been trapped by someone in the cartoon and he said, "Hey, This is a Free Country, I have the right to go where I want to. You can't do this." So I said that to Chris and JM. "I have a right to go where I want to, This is a free country". No response. I said, "I'm going to sue the Church of Scientology if you don't let me go" and Chris said, "You can sue me, honey, if you want" So I got dragged back to the RPF Site. This time I didn't get any reiteration of my SP declare. Chris Guider asked me if there was some problem I'd had recently. I blurted out that I was having an allergic reaction to all the eggs. I was allergic to eggs and that was all that was being served for breakfasts these days. I had hives all over my feet, I needed some protein powder for breakfasts that I wasn't allergic to. So Chris had someone buy me some protein powder. Mike Collins told me that if I had any more problems, I could just come and talk to him. He's around. I don't have to walk out to get attention. OK. Fine I said. I also negotiated that I get to take naps in the afternoon because I was still having heart problems and chest pains and I kept falling asleep on course. I negotiated nap time! I was the only person on the RPF who got to take a one hour nap before study time. :happydance:

    One of the peacocks from the Ranch area had escaped and was running around the RPF camp. Lady was chasing it and barking at it. During morning muster, the Bosun was trying to give us a serious briefing about our next project and areas we needed to improve on and we kept seeing Lady chasing the peacock, back and forth behind the Bosun. Then all of a sudden the peacock started chasing Lady! Nobody could keep a straight face, we all just busted up laughing. It was probably one of THE funniest things I'd seen all year.

    There was another odd thing that happened. BO was being a rebel. He'd let his hair grow out really long. He looked like Jesus and he went out and caught a rattle snake, and then roasted it over an open fire. :fire:
    And then he ate it. I tried some and Sheri did too. It was actually pretty good!

    Sheesh, I could write a book about all the projects I did on the RPF alone. I could write tomes about the people I worked with. It's hard for me to pick and chose sometimes, which subjects would be most interesting to put down here on the web for everyone. I guess, I just think of OK, well what happened next? And go from there.

    I had some problems on my Objectives. Because Tia and I had to be watched more closely for some reason, I was not allowed to drill her on her TRS very thoroughly. I was stuck in the co-audit space and I couldn't make too much noise. We were not allowed to go outside. The problem was, that sometimes, when I was in the middle of an Objective, I would get very loud and Tia did not know what to do. She'd freeze up. Then the Co-Audit Super would come over and have to end the session, because I was disturbing the co-audit sessions! I could not get a break. I wasn't allowed to have "CASE ON POST" and I wasn't allowed to have CASE IN SESSION either. I tried to stick around helping Tia on her Objectives and I liked to think that I did actually do her some good, but eventually I convinced the RPF CSs and whoever was double checking things in GOLD or RTC, that Tia was NOT really a List One RSer. I got her re-twinned with someone else. Then I was twinned with poor unsuspecting Chris Beeney. The only thing I remember really liking about Chris was that he could recite Shakespear really well. I found it entertaining on the decks. But as a twin, we didn't get along very well.

    This one morning, my "buddy" Ute Shian (ex RTC staff) was late for breakfast. There was this stupid system called "The Buddy System" where all the RPFers, except for Mark Treasure, the RPF MAA, had to have "buddies" wherever they went. No one ws allowed to even go to the bathroom alone. Always had to have a "buddy". In the mornings, the eating area was only 20 feet from the women's dorm room I was in. I wanted to get to breakfast early. I had to eat, I wrote projects for the Tools Area during my breakfast sometimes so I could get a jump on the day. She was holding me up waiting. I tried to buddy up with another set of buddys and walk over to eat and Kevin Posten, who was holding Security Watch (he was an RPFer, but he did Security Watch too) stopped me at the entrance of the tent and made me go back and wait for Ute. I was mad. I started kicking the plastic bucket that everyone used for an ashtray outside the bathroom. Sand started to spill out when the bucket cracked. I started screaming, " THIS BUDDY SYSTEM ISN'T LRH. IT IS STUPID. WHO THE FUCK WROTE IT ANYWAY! IT'S NOT PRODUCTIVE. IF PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BLOW, THEN HELP THEM WITH WORD CLEARERS IN THE COURSEROOM. DO WE HAVE THOSE? NO WE DONT. HELP THEM WITH REVIEW AUDITORS. DO WE HAVE THOSE? NO WE DON'T. HELP THEM WITH GOOD SUPERVISION ON OUR PROGRAMS FROM QUAL. DO WE HAVE THAT? NO WE DONT. INSTEAD WE HAVE THE GODDAMN IDIOTIC BUDDY SYSTEM...." Ute finally came out of the bathroom. Breakfast was OVER. I had not gotten any food.

    I went straight to work after muster. I was working hard on my Tools Area project. Nearly ALL the tools at the RPF were now operational. It was great. My stats were up. But did it matter? No it did not. Because Kevin Posten, wrote a chit on me. The RPF MAA, Mark Treasure came to see me. He wanted to see me in his office. I said, No, I'm not going. It's deck time and I had a project to do. The Bosun, said I had better go. I went. I was in the MAA office, which was also the folder storage tank and Mark had me sit in the back of the room and he was near the door. He said that I needed to quit complaining about the Buddy System. I had a chit from Kevin about my behavior in the morning and everyone else heard me. I said "Fuck Kevin". Gone were my manners. I asked WHO wrote the buddy system. It's ridiculous. Do you know how much time we waste walking each other to the bathroom? Well DM wrote the Buddy System. What? I said. I had no idea. Mark said, sure you did. Then I said, "Look, all the RPF FOs just got changed. I was on * traffic lines in 1984 when LRH approved the other FOs, why did they get changed? Who thinks they have the right to change them? Now I'm supposed to do my entire Grade Chart up to NED And do EX DN AND FPRD on all my dynamics and IF I go Clear without handling my R/S, then I have to do NOTs too? I'll be on the RPF forever. And whatever asshole revised these FOs took out 2D time. I can't see my sister or my husband until I'm done with the program. That could be years! This is fucked. There used to be the arm band system and if someone had a gold arm band, their family could come visit. What the heck? These changes are squirrel. " Mark Treasure looked at me and calmly said, "David Miscavige ordered the revision of all the RPF Flag Orders and approved them. And you know that." I felt like saying "and how would I know that you moron? " I then said, "Well, remember that waiver I signed at the beginning of the program? Consider it "unsigned". I don't agree to do this program. you can't get me to read one set of Flag Orders and agree to do the program, and then change the Flag Orders. My agreement is cancelled. I want to see Mike Collins.

    I started to walk out the door to go find Mike Collins, the Security Guard for the Ranch. He's promised me that if I had any problems that I could come and talk to him. Mark stood up and blocked the door. He accused me of being an evil 1.1. I said, "get out of my way." He said no. I said, YOUR THE 1.1 and then I punched him as hard as I could with my right hand. It hurt my hand more than his face. It just glanced off his cheekbone. Mark used to be a professional Bouncer before he'd gotten into Scientology. He grabbed my right hand and smashed it on the desk really hard. I hear a loud cracking sound. Was it the desk or was it my hand? Then he grabbed my arms, picked me up and shoved me really hard into the shelving units behind me a couple of times. My rib cage area got bruised. Then he pinned me into a chair and held me down in it holding my wrists really tightly. It was very clear that he was not going to physically let me leave this tiny 10 X 10 office. I sat in the chair, silent and sullen. I stop struggling and he let go of me. JM and Chris Beeny came over and said that I was officially declared a Suppressive Person AGAIN. For crying out loud! How many fucking times am I going to get declared a Suppressive? Chris sat across from me and started monotonously reading the HCOB "Characteristics of a Suppressive Person" . He sounded kind of like a fire and brimstone preacher. I almost laughed at that thought. I stood up and tried to get out the door. Chris and Mark tackled me again and shoved me backwards. I screamed out for Mike Collins. Chris Guider showed up and said, Mike Collins isn't here, he isn't coming. You need to start your A to E steps, starting with STOP COMMITTING PT OVERTS.

    I sat there and I said, "I'm not eating or sleeping until you let me out of here to talk to Mike or Ken Hoden or Claudia, HCO Gold, The RPF Program is meant to be 'VOLUNTARY" and if you force me to do it, then I will starve and die. Then you can explain that to the world. Why there is a dead girl here on the RPF site who was starving and dehydrated. Chris Beeney tried to bring me some food but I threw it back at him. Someone tried to give me a glass of water and I threw it at them. I had this incident from when I was a kid flashing through my head, of when my Mom's fiance had molested me. As I sat in this room being trapped there, it was like that, it was like I was being raped. I was glad I wasn't. But the idea of it, being forced to do something I did not want to do. That was bothering me. Why did these men insist on taking away my rights? These were long term Scientology staff members here. They were not newbie dummies. They had some reason to believe that they were enforcing the religious beliefs of Scientology. Mark Treasure said, "You are being the bank, so we don't have to treat you like a person. We are going to treat you like a bank" Wow. That is truly what HE believed at that moment in time. And it gave him a right to break the law and trap me. Mark is still on staff by the way, and he never apologized to me. JM did.

    Karen Dipple Andrus came over and she walked into the room. The guys kind of cleared out and gave us some space. Karen said, let's go to the dorm and get some sleep. I said, "No, I'm protesting." and Karen said, "Just because you eat something and get some sleep does not mean you have agreed to do the RPF Program" She had a point. Will I have to get stuck back in this room tomorrow? No, she said. Karen I 'd known since the Steven's Creek Mission in 1982. It was hard for me to tell her to fuck off. I genuinley liked her. So I went with her, got something to eat and then I went to sleep. But I climbed under the covers with all my clothes on. And I listened. At about 4AM, I could hear the two people outside guarding my door had moved away. One had gone to the bathroom, the other was smoking a cigarette. My senses were on high alert. I shot out of my bed like lightning. I got out the door and past the guards. Despite my steel toed boots on, I managed to run way out in front of them and disappear into the creek bed. I ran up along the creek bed for a while and then I ran up a small hill and rested under a big tree. My heart was pounding so hard. Sometimes I could hear a whisteling noise. Man, I was out of shape if my heart was whistling. I could hear people coming after me. I didn't knw if they could hear me. I knew they could not see me. It was dark outside. My night vision was working very well, but they had flashlights so if it wasn't pointed right at me, they would not see me. I ran behind the Indians houses instead of out on the road. That way the Security truck couldn't come and get me. There was this one house that I passed that had a dog. It started barking. The lights on the house came on, the back door opened. I thought, "Shit, what if this guy has a gun and he shoots towards what his dog is barking at?" I screamed out, "I'm a person, don't shoot, I'm friendly." It was too late, there was this clicking sound of the cocking of bolt action rifle and the guy just fired at me, not even looking to see me, just following his dogs bark. I dove into the grass as fast as I could and a bullet whizzed right over my head. There was this zipping sound through the wind and I was glad I was well clear of it. I didn't stand up. I was still. The dog stopped barking, the door slammed shut and the lights in the house went out. I very carefully crawled my way out of this guys yard. Then I stood up and kept running. I ran to a bus station in Hemet. I had some change on me and I was hungry. I bought some donuts. I traded one of my donuts for a bus pass to the Riverside bus station. By about 5 PM, after walking, running, riding buses, etc. I had reached by Aunts House. She said that Corinne and Ken Hoden had been calling. I said I didn't want to talk to them. My Uncle said, "This is the Church of Scientology, these are not Gestapos with guns. You can sort this out in a civil manner. You can talk to them. It sounds like this place you were at was isolated from the rest of the church, just talk to someone else, someone higher up. It can get sorted out" My Aunt said that I should get some rest and then tomorrow, I could talk with them. I agreed. Maybe I was blowing things all out of proportion. My hand was swollen and throbbing. The bruises on my back/ rib cage area made it hard to lay down and sleep. I kept waking up. My Aunt woke up too and fed me some yogurt. I loved my Aunt. It was so nice to get a hug! And have someone tell me they loved me. :bighug:

    In the morning, I chatted some with my Aunt. She'd gotten off of work to be with me. Somehow the conversation got to when I was with Mark Treasure and how I'd punched him. My Aunt said, "You can't punch people to solve your problems....didn't your mother teach you that?..." I gave her kind of a blank stare. Then she looked at me and she had a tear in her eye. She said, "You know years ago, when you were about 9 years old and your Mom, tried to kill herself at my house. I thought that I should have adopted you. I felt that I should have taken you and your brother and sister and made you my kids. But instead, I stuck you and my sister on a plane and sent you all back to San Jose. I'm sorry. I didn't think I could afford to have 6 kids. I'm really sorry" This big black cloud in my life kind of lifted off of me. I hadn't even realized I was angry about that. But somehow I was. I accepted her apology. I gave her a big hug. "I'm OK, I didn't turn out too badly" My Aunt told me that if I didn't want to work for the Church of Scientology anymore, she would be supportive of me, maybe help me go back to school if I wanted.

    Ken Hoden showed up with my sister, Corinne. I hadn't seen Corinne since about mid 1995. It was so good to see her again. We played a game of pool on my uncle's pool table. Ken went away and then came back later around 5PM. Then he sat down with Corinne and I and told me that my folders had been reviewed and I had "OUT INT" and AK would be my auditor and do my Int Rundown on me. I was not declared an SP and I did not have to do the RPF if I didn't want to. I could talk to my husband if I went back. Wow! Amazing. Could it possibly be true? I was being treated nicely? Or Was Ken Hoden blowing happy smoke up my ass? Should I believe him and go back? Was my Uncle right? I could TALK to them and work something out? My sister seemed so happy to be with me. I was happy to be with her...

    I agreed to go back. :blonde:

    When I arrived back to the base, I stayed in a nice trailer in the OGH area. It was actually nicely furnished and had a kitchenette. Kind of like a trailer home. Kevin Cateano would check on me during the day. My sister would stay with me at night. I was so so happy to have my sister with me. Things were starting to feel more normal. I wasn't feeling so mad at management anymore, or even DM. Wow, maybe I'll get heard? This injustice will get resolved? Kevin brought me to the dentists office. Bob used a dental xray to xray my right hand, pinky nuckle area. It was broken. I had to go to the Hemet Valley Emergency Hospital to get a better xray and then get the bone set. I went to the hospital with Jocelyn. I got my xray and I had a male nurse asking me questions. Jocelyn came over and told me not to tell the nurse about the fight I had, it would be "out PR", but I had what was called a "boxers fracture" so I didn't have to say anything. The nurse already knew that I had slugged someone. The nurse examined the bruises on my back. He poked around and had me move my arms around. It didn't seem like my ribs were cracked or broken, so I didn't get any xrays for that. It was just bruised and scratched. When I was getting my hand set, I picked a bright purple cast. My first cast, I wanted it to be colorful. The doctor was mad at me. She said that she could not set my bone properly because I had either waited too long to see her, or done something to aggravate the break. She showed me that my right hand's knuckle would never be the same angle and I will have to be careful gripping and holding things with my right hand because of it. I was so optimistic about how everything was going to be better now, that I didn't think to talk to any of these hospital staff and ask them for some help with my situation. I did not think that I should have made a police report about what happened. I hadn't been a part of regular society since I was 14. I'd been Scientology staff for so long, "regular" people "wogs" weren't in my mind as real people anymore. I even had not confided in my "wog" Aunt and Uncle about everything.

    I went back to the base with my cast on. The nice trailer was needed for some RTC staff that were getting restricted to the base. So I moved to a smaller trailer. I still had my own room tho, in a 10X 10 trailer room.

    Well, I did not get to get audited by AK. Ken Hoden lied to me. I did not get to talk to my husband. Another Lie, and Henning Bendorf came to the room I was in, when my sister was staying with me, and told her he needed her to stay with him. He was her husband and he didn't want her staying with me at nights. It was "DEV-T" I thought I heard him say. She left, I didn't know if she would be coming back or not. I was mad that my sister had fallen for Henning and married him. He was a handsome, tall, Swedish guy. But he was an asshole and he never liked me.

    I wanted to believe that there was some good left in this group and that somehow I could change things. I wanted to think it was just Ken Hoden who was the big lier. He worked in PR, that's what he did. Lied to people. I should have known. Why did I fall for that? I knew Ken. It was my sister. She wanted me to return. I did it for her. How could I have said NO? I still had hope even though, I was now more trapped than ever. There weren't razor wire fences around the RPF site, only motion sensors. But here, at OGH, there were chain link fences, razor wire, security guards watching me 24 hours a day. It seemed my situation had gotten more and more like prison. I felt like a mouse, I went for the cheese, and bam --- the cage was dropped. How was I going to get out of this now? It was early 1998. January. I'd been at the Int Base RPF site for nearly a year and all I'd gotten done were a couple of simple Objectives processes case wise. All I'd learned was how to run Objectives on a co-audit. Why did Scientology have to be so damn difficult? And it was EXPENSIVE. I was paying with years of my life. :treadmill:

    Well, sorry to end this chapter on a such a down note. Its late and I'm getting tired. Stay tuned... next chapter, I will get away from OGH!
  19. pomfritz

    pomfritz Patron with Honors

    I met Tia at PAC. She had just gotten off the RPF in late 2003 and had a post to repair signs around the base. She was a real sweetheart.

    From what you wrote she was on the RPF for what, 6 years?! She must've been fairly young when she was put on it.

    Karen Dipple finished the RPF around the same time and was posted at ASHO, I think she had some post related to marketing production. Back in the early 80's I was ordered to get her through her Student Hat by Thursday 2PM. This meant us staying up all night and then driving to SF in the morning to route through.
  20. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free