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Denise Brennan – Just another chat thread

Discussion in 'Stories From Inside Scientology' started by JustMe, May 4, 2013.

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  1. JustMe

    JustMe Patron Meritorious

    My name is Denise Lara Brennan and I am 61 years old. I am transsexual and used to be known as Larry (or Lawrence) Harold Brennan.

    If you google my names you are going to see a lot about my experiences with scientology , including times of being in positions of authority in organized scientology.

    It is in that context that most people know me. But all my experiences shared regarding the above does not even come close to defining the real me. In fact it is very misleading.

    As I have come to know better and love so many on here and because I may not be here much longer I thought I would actually introduce myself to you, the real me, justme, as best I know her.

    So I am here starting a thread to introduce myself and to perhaps share some of my life with those I have come to love on here and with anyone else who cares to read it.

    And, should people want to do so, let this be a discussion and sharing thread where anyone can comment any way they want and share anything they want.

    In this thread I am going to share so much of my life that I never shared publically before. I am sure I will be jumping all over the place as I will not be planning what to post ahead of time. And I hope somehow this all ends up making sense. Given a long work schedule, I’ll need a week or so to get a number of postings on here.

    I really hope this helps me heal. But I especially hope this helps anyone else at all. If it helps others heal then it will all be worth it. And I hope this will not end up being a hugely useless and boring thread.

    I only ask that please no one feel offended if I say some things with which they will never agree. I do not mean to offend anyone. I am not saying my views are right for anyone else and I do not wish to preach in any way at all. But if I am to really show you the real me I am going to have to be painfully honest.

    The only way I can think of making any of my life make any sense at all is to start with some things that happened a little over two years ago. It is definitely in this context (rather than in how people have known me from scientology days) that what I share about my life and my views later in this thread may better make sense.

    So here goes:

    After months of at least weekly therapy with a licensed New Hampshire psychologist and gender specialist she agreed to write a letter required by a medical specialist in the field of endocrinology. That letter is required to even get an appointment with an endocrinologist to discuss a physical gender transition through the use of hormone therapy.

    That letter I so long awaited was written on February 10, 2011. In part it read:

    “I am writing regarding Larry (“Denise”) Brennan ….a 59-year-old male to female transsexual who has requested to be seen by you for hormone treatment……Her history is consistent with the experience of a transsexual, as is her body dysphoria…..She is ready to begin a more complete physical transition…….”.

    The reason I mentioned the above is not to discuss this part of my life in any real detail now (maybe that will come later).

    Rather, below is a little “transcript” of something that came up in my therapy. It was shortly after this discussion that my therapist sent the above noted letter. I quote the discussion as best as I can remember. It is certainly not word for word but it accurately covers what we discussed and it is how I best remember it.

    I hope that knowing the below makes the rest of my story easier to understand. It is far closer to the real me, justme, than was anything I ever did in scientology.

    Early 2011 - Me to the therapist after a year or so of weekly therapy with her:
    “I really need to start the hormones now, I can’t wait any longer. I know that I am not this body. You know I am not this body. And despite this horrid body, I know inside I am the girl that can still feel beauty in life like I often felt as a child. I do not believe that we age spiritually. Clearly after all this time you know me,you know that despite this body I am a woman and that I have the heart and mind of a woman. I now request that you write that letter I need so that I can finally get that appointment with the specialist so as to start the feminizing hormones. I cannot wait any longer to begin to change this body to be in alignment with what I am inside”.

    Therapist to me (she covered many things including how the hormones are going to thrust me into a wild female puberty including major teenage girl emotional reactions and upsets. But I just “quote” the below as the part really relevant to perhaps understanding my life better):
    “Denise do you know why a 60 year old transgendered woman might be seen around town in a miniskirt, dressed so oddly if not inappropriately for that age? It is because the truly transgendered stop aging in many ways at the beginning of puberty. As the body begins to change into a fully functioning adult male, the girl inside shuts down in many ways and stops developing. As the outside “boy” turns into a man physically, that 13 year old girl inside does not age and the individual still sees life through the eyes of that 13 year old girl who feels trapped inside and who now cannot age. Only when that person starts on her transition and begins to live life as the girl she always was inside does she really begin to mature, to age. So that 60 year old transgendered woman is finally free to begin growing as a girl into the woman she was meant to be and she operates as if 13 years old, then 14 and so on as her transition progresses. Do you understand this? Do you understand how this happens”?

    Me to therapist:
    “I get the idea but it does not really apply to me. I am not going to run around in miniskirts. I have done too much in this life for a 13 year girl old to deal with. I’ve run worldwide legal operations, I have been the CEO and President of what was then a fairly large software company, I’ve traveled the world on business, I have met with and discussed business with national companies and national governmental bodies, I have been a parent, I have stood up to great hostilities, had a man die in my arms and so much more that you know. Clearly I have not been stuck as a 13 year old girl inside. I do understand how what you say can apply to others but it does not really apply to me. I am female but I am not stuck seeing life as a 13 year old girl”.

    After this chat I go home happy to know that the therapist is finally going to write that letter so that I can start with the estrogen. I can’t wait to hear about getting that appointment!!!

    I stop and look around my apartment. I look at the faery statues all over the place, the faery paintings and my own poetry of the Fae on my desk. I look at my transparent and shiny lavender curtains in my bedroom bunched up with these pretty and shiny off-white and lavender tassels. I love how they sparkle. I look up at that curtain rod and see the pretty round crystal orbs at each end of the rod. I look down at my purple bed sheets and the pretty purple, lavender, sage, olive and off-white quilt on the bed. Over on my dresser I look at the stuffed bunny given me by a loved one, the dried flowers, the scented soaps that smell SO nice, some jewelry and some make-up I hope I will someday be able to use outside. I look through my rings and especially like the one with the face of a cat and then all the ones with the shiny purple, pink and red stones. Then I look over at my huge collection of DVDs including many sweet children’s movies each with a happy ending as well as a huge collection of what seems like almost every teenage girl movie ever made.

    This room just feels SO right.

    It is MY space where I can be myself and not have to pretend I am something everyone else expects me to be.

    I so feel good in this space. I can even breathe better in here.

    Suddenly I think about what the therapist said about a transgendered woman being stuck seeing life through the eyes of a 13 year old girl and living life through the mind of that young girl.

    And then I look around my room again.

    And I say softly to myself “oh shi-“.
    Last edited: May 4, 2013
  2. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    Oh crikey, I can feel some tears building already. I don't know why ... except perhaps that I feel like you are going to describe something like the slow motion budding and opening of a beautiful flower ... the resolution of a lifetime's distress and pain.

    All ears!
  3. Veda

    Veda Sponsor



    You are the most together, most sane, and wisest person I can ever recall encountering.
  4. Idle Morgue

    Idle Morgue Gold Meritorious Patron

    Denise - thank you for sharing your story - it is amazing and good for you for being true to yourself. I am also glad you got out of the cult of Scientology! Can you imagine if you had stayed? :omg:

    I am so interested in hearing what is going on with you now as you embark this on this journey.

    I am also very interested in hearing your story of how you got into Scientology. I want to know how you moved up the ranks - and specifically about the "religious cloaking" and LRH's involvement. I would love to know everything you can handle telling us. It may help some lurker's hearing the truth about LRH.

    Also - I want to hear your story of leaving and how you put your life together after the cult~!

    Thanks Denise - I admire your courage to share yourself with this adventure!

  5. Ogsonofgroo

    Ogsonofgroo Crusader

    Awwww der, I kin tells ya needs a big :bighug: thingy :)

    (and, yer a brat too, don't think I never saw that posts lol *burps* lolol)


    :dance3: :dance3:
  6. I told you I was trouble

    I told you I was trouble Suspended animation

    I feel very honoured that you have chosen to share this with us Denise.
  7. AnonyMary

    AnonyMary Formerly Fooled - Finally Free


    Love ya, Denise!

  8. Panda Termint

    Panda Termint Cabal Of One

    Loving it so far, Denise. Loving you too. :)
  9. clamicide

    clamicide Gold Meritorious Patron

    Wow.... this is beautiful. Look forward to hearing more. and it's NOT just another chat thread:)
  10. Anonycat

    Anonycat Crusader

    I love you! :) I loved that post, Denise. I am still smiling/laughing ... I remember when you were doing the hormone therapy, and we - yes, WE had some tiny drama in a thread, and you were SO sweet and sent me a message about the raging hormones and we laughed together on our computers. I remember that so fondly, you have no idea. That was the first time I really connected with you, as Denise, in a casual setting. I had intended to be with you at the wedding, but was unable. I'll tell you about that in private. Anyway, I loved emailing you, talking about shopping and malls and girly stuff, and I hope you are with us forever. You, dear girl, are a once only ... a once only. And you are loved.
  11. Purple Rain

    Purple Rain Crusader

    I am so so glad you have started this thread. And what a fantastic start to it! You are one of my favourite ladies and I can't wait to learn more!

    Huge hug!!

  12. sallydannce

    sallydannce Gold Meritorious Patron

    I have often thought of all you have been through and found you a great source of inspiration. For you to share your story here is a great honour. Thank you darlin'.

    Loving you fiercely as you tell your story. :rose:
  13. lotus

    lotus stubborn rebel sheep!

    Hello Denise,

    Many thanks for sharing your life with us.

    While I've read many posters and threads on this message boards I often had the wish you would, one day, be generous and make public what you could share about your life within Scamology and also how you have gone through the process of gender changing.

    When Denise Breenan speaks...we all listen.

    I know that you will help me and many other to connect some dots or missing links.

    I have a lot of pop-corn aside :thankyou:
    (can we say in english that a woman is a hero???) you are!

  14. Free Being Me

    Free Being Me Crusader

    Thank you for starting to share your story Denise. You are an absolute delight and delightful, many hugs and smiles. :hug::)
  15. Purple Rain

    Purple Rain Crusader

  16. Helena Handbasket

    Helena Handbasket Gold Meritorious Patron

    Love you, girl. :heartflower: You go!

  17. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    OK, the audience chairs are filling ... hahaha ... you have to do it now! :biggrin:
  18. Dulloldfart

    Dulloldfart Squirrel Extraordinaire

    Excuse the interruption, but . . .

    ESMB here? Alive here? Weeks? Months? Only a year or two?


  19. Stat

    Stat Gold Meritorious Patron

    As long as the girl has a beautiful room.
    And friends like you, Paul, Veda. And most of us.
    Loving hug, Denise.

    Breath, live and go on.

    Last edited: May 4, 2013
  20. BardoThodol

    BardoThodol Silver Meritorious Patron


    Because someone has the need, the courage to change them.
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