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Ex-Staff. Here we go!

Discussion in 'New Member Introductions' started by Frankie Greene, Jan 31, 2014.

  1. Hello everybodyyyy!!! :hattip:

    A family member of mine introduced me to Scientology. I was wary. I read all of the "Black PR" sites. I had heard odd things. I didn't believe everything I read, though. How could a church be so abusive to its members? Although I didn't buy it all, I was still clear on my stance with this particular group - I simply was not interested.

    Fast forward a few years, and myself being a person who had struggled with depression and anxiety and had been through traumas, I was at the point of not knowing what to do anymore. I called my Scientologist family member for help.

    A week later I was on course, seemingly handling things that had plagued me for my entire life. I didn't care about what I had read before. I didn't care about the talk in the halls that I found odd - past lives, going exterior.... I cared that I was getting help, and that I had felt better than I ever had before in my life. I became more curious about the religion.

    Fast forward a few months and I'm signing a five year contract.

    Fast forward a few months and I am getting four or five hours of sleep every night. I have no time for family, friends, or relationships. I have no time to take care of myself.

    Fast forward a few months and I am quitting my job because I can't handle it anymore. I am at the org 60 hours a week.

    Fast forward another few months and I am very dedicated and confused. I don't trust anyone I used to. I become obsessed with finding a way to make it all work out. I become hopeless and unhappy with my own life, I feel my own overts have pulled in everything that keeps me from being happy, I feel the only way of getting to where I want is with Scientology. However, I no longer enjoy post. I am always in trouble because my stats are down. I question too much why processes aren't working, I end up in cramming, I end up in ethics. I don't make many friends at the org. I like people there but everyone seems so fake. On the other side, my wog friends were interesting and smart, but "low-toned" in Scientology's standards. I always have to be in control of my communications. I never cry. I never feel angry. I never feel sad. I just feel pressure, constant pressure, and how tired I feel.

    One night on a drive home, it dawned on me - it was wrong what they were doing. It was wrong to take so much out of me and so much away from me. It was wrong for them to not pay me for all of the high-stress work I was doing, not to mention how "valuable" it was. If it was so valuable, why was I getting $15 a week? I panicked - how would I leave? I knew they would come after me. I knew I would come back. And then snap, I was back in the Scientologist mindset - We were good people, trying to save the planet. I am too smart and stubborn to be in a cult. That's just ridiculous.

    I spent another totally miserable year in the church. I even came into Ethics one day, telling them that I don't believe in any of this anymore! Help me to believe it again! Help me fix whatever it is that I did so that I can believe it and make it right! And they couldn't.

    I don't know what the final straw for me was. In fact, I think there were so many "final straws" that there was literally something in me so SCARED to go back that I physically just could not do it anymore. I was driving to the org one day, and just drove on past.

    Of course that wasn't the end. But I moved and changed my phone number and that stopped most of my contact from Scientologists. I still worry about being tracked down. I still have nightmares.

    I was sleep-deprived, lied to, manipulated, coerced, harassed, guilt-tripped, assaulted, and yelled at.

    And I think I am ready to talk about it.
  2. This is NOT OK !!!!

    This is NOT OK !!!! Gold Meritorious Patron

    Epic blast Frankie!

    Welcome to ESMB.

    I admire you for figuring it out so quickly!

    In my case, I carried on for over 30 years before flunking out!
  3. Cowsmu?

    Cowsmu? Patron

    Congratulations and welcome!

    You made a good decision.

    You came to the right place!

  4. dchoiceisalwaysrs

    dchoiceisalwaysrs Gold Meritorious Patron

    Welcome Frankie

    Big step. I am glad you made it through one of the toughest parts. :happydance:

    Take your time. 'lurk more' which means keep on learning although you already per your story have a lot of insight.

    Just keep in mind...Thursday at 2 is just another hour in the week and there is NO pressure here for you to follow our suggestions, or that you need to over demand of yourself too much. Go at your own pace and adjust it as YOU see fit.

    I happen to have this other site open also at this moment so I will give you the link.

    Have some fun. Lots of great caring individuals here that you can share ideas and ask for help or suggestions if you care.

    Tell any more of your story as you wish.

    welcome again,

    Last edited: Jan 31, 2014
  5. TG1

    TG1 Angelic Poster

    Welcome, Frankie.

  6. scooter

    scooter Gold Meritorious Patron

    Welcome to ESMB, FG - this is where people are human again and OSA craps itself regularly:biggrin:

    Been there too, did that for nearly 30 years:duh:

    Waiting for more of your story :drama:

    You DON'T need to CSW anybody to continue, you know:coolwink:

    Just enjoy your freedom from that toxic cult:happydance:
  7. AnonKat

    AnonKat Crusader

    I will just leave this here

  8. La La Lou Lou

    La La Lou Lou Crusader

    Don't worry you caught on quickly. So :yes:you're in better shape than you think.

    Welcome back to reality.
  9. Lohan2008

    Lohan2008 Gold Meritorious Patron

    :welcome: Glad that you have found the exit, can you tell exsn how long you have been out for ?
  10. Intentionally Blank

    Intentionally Blank Scientology Widow

    :welcome: Glad you're here.

  11. Axiom142

    Axiom142 Gold Meritorious Patron


    Welcome Frankie!

    Talking about it is good. When I first arrived here, I was very confused. I wanted to know what had happened to me and how I managed to get conned so badly. Talking to others who had been through the same stuff helped me hugely. I’m not sure how well I would have survived if I didn’t have ESMB.

    So, it would help you, I think, but also I (and I’m sure many others) would love to hear what it is like in the belly of the beast right now. How are other staff members coping / what is morale like / are the orgs facing imminent financial ruin / do they have any public left etc?

  12. Thank you! I appreciate it! I feel very fortunate to have left when I did! Honestly, it feels amazing to have someone who was in, too acknowledge what I am saying! Thank you!!
  13. I have been lurking and can't seem to stop! Haha

    Thank Gourd 2 PM Thursday is only just a time now!

    I will definitely check out that site. Thank you for the welcome!
  14. It is SO good to be human again! I will definitely have to tell more of my story as I become braver and stronger in my time away from Scientology. Already I've been greeted with more compassion than I ever was in the church! Yay freedom! Thank you!
  15. Operating DB

    Operating DB Truman Show Dropout

    Welcome out Frankie! This is my favorite line from your OP:
    Reading your story was like reading my own scio history for the most part. These stories are like a broken record. I hear the same plot in every one of them. And I never seem to tire of reading about them.

    I too remember the increasing fear and terror of my sentence spent in the cult mind prison. But the good news is the more you untangle yourself from that mindset and learn the truth the more the fear and terror subside into nothing. And then you can start laughing about it (hopefully).
  16. It's good to hear that. It is very reassuring! Thank you! It's good to be back!
  17. Officially, about six months. I was told I would be declared but have yet to receive my "Golden Ticket." :yes:
  18. Free Being Me

    Free Being Me Crusader

    :welcome2: Frankie. Here's to you living life out of the cult. :cheers: Pull up a chair and talk, share, laugh and cry. It's all good, you're out. Here's some basic info on cult recovery.


    Coming Out Of Scientology

    8 Steps Out Of Scientology
    Charismatic Authority
    Dangerous Cult Leaders
    Identifying Marks Of An Exploitive, Abusive Group
    Jon Atack - Why It’s So Hard To Recover From Scientology
    Post-Cult Problems: An Exit Counselor's Perspective
    Profile Of A Sociopath - Cult Leaders
    The Scientological Onion

    Steve Hassan - Freedom Of Mind
    Mind Control – The BITE Model

    Combatting Cult Mind Control: The #1 Best-selling Guide to Protection, Rescue, and Recovery From Destructive Cults

    Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs

    Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves
    Books On Cult Mind Control

    Cult Recovery Tools

    Finding a Therapist Who Can Help You Heal
    5 Things to Do When You Feel Insecure
    CCI Self Help Modules
    Cognitive Reframing
    Cognitive Reframing - Change Your Thinking
    Cognitive Restructuring
    Cognitive Restructuring Aids
    Cognitive Theory and Addiction (Thoughts, Beliefs, Expectations)
    Emotional Intelligence
    Emotional Wellness
    Facing Your Feelings
    Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG)
    Finding Time for Truly Nurturing Yourself
    Healing Emotional and Psychological Trauma
    Hierarchy of Needs - Abraham Maslow
    New to Mindfulness? How to Get Started
    Personal Boundaries
    Personal Core Values And Positive Beliefs
    Personal Core Values List
    Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
    Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Worksheets & Handouts
    Psychology Tools - Free Worksheet Downloads And Therapy Resources
    Self-Compassion, A Healthier Way of Relating to Yourself (Videos at link)
    Self Development Recovery Techniques
    Self-Esteem Improvement 6_July 05.pdf
    Self Soothe - Distress Tolerance Strategies
    The Path To Unconditional Self Acceptance
    The Power of Patience
    The 5 Stages Of Loss And Grief
    Traumatic Bonding
    Emotional Attachments in Abusive Relationships: A Test of Traumatic Bonding Theory - PDF (Dutton and Painter)

    Brené Brown - Listening To Shame (TED Talk)

    Brené Brown: The Power Of Vulnerability (TED Talk)

    Jack Kornfield - Compassion

    Jack Kornfield - The Ancient Heart Of Forgiveness

    Karla McLaren - The Language Of Emotions

    Karla McLaren - The Art Of Empathy, Part 1

    Karla McLaren - The Art Of Empathy, Part 2

    Kristin Neff - The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion

    Eckhart Tolle - Conversations On Compassion

    Informative Sites

    Ex-Scientologist Message Board
    Ex-Scientology Kids
    Ex-Sea Org
    Mark Bunker - YouTube
    Operation Clambake
    Reaching For The Tipping Point
    Surviving Scientology - YouTube
    The Underground Bunker
    Tory Speaking Freely - YouTube
    Why We Protest
    World Cult Watch

    Ex-Scientology Books
    (Available at libraries and other outlets)

    A Piece of Blue Sky: Scientology, Dianetics and L. Ron Hubbard Exposed - Jon Atack
    Bare-faced Messiah: True Story of L.Ron Hubbard - Russell Miller
    Beyond Belief: My Secret Life Inside Scientology and My Harrowing Escape - Jenna Miscavige
    Blown for Good: Behind the Iron Curtain of Scientology - Marc Headley
    Counterfeit Dreams: One Man's Journey Into and Out of the World of Scientology - Jefferson Hawkins
    Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood, and the Prison of Belief - Lawrence Wright
    Inside Scientology: The Story of America's Most Secretive Religion - Janet Reitman
    L. Ron Hubbard: Messiah or Madman - Bent Corydon
    My Billion Year Contract: Memoir of a Former Scientologist - Nancy Many
    Scientology: Abuse At the Top - Amy Scobee
    The Church of Fear: Inside The Weird World of Scientology - John Sweeney
    The Complex: An Insider Exposes the Covert World of the Church of Scientology - John Duignan
    The Scandal of Scientology - Paulette Cooper

    Cult Recovery Concepts To Contrast

    Cognitive Bias
    Cognitive Dissonance
    Cognitive Distortion
    Coping (psychology)
    Critical thinking
    Dissociation (psychology)
    Double Bind
    Double Standard
    Emotional Blackmail
    Emotional Detachment
    False Dilemma
    Identity (social science)
    Loaded Language
    Locus Of Control
    Love Bombing
    Magical Thinking
    Milieu Control
    Operant Conditioning
    Peer Pressure
    Psychological Abuse
    Psychological Manipulation
    Self-Serving Bias
    Social Isolation
    Stockholm Syndrome
    Wishful Thinking
  19. Ogsonofgroo

    Ogsonofgroo Crusader

    'Nother :welcome:, yeh, it seems you are telling a story that is all too familiar with many of the fine folks here, also with me and some of the other 'never-ins', its the old Hubbard 'Bait&Switch', thankfully you didn't swallow the hook too deeply, and seem to have spit it out, more power to ya!

    Enjoy your time here, don't be shy, lots of awesome people who have been through the same, some went further, some less, but many are willing and able to open dialogue and share the __________ (name yer poison).

    :heartflower: :beer: & :cake:
  20. Something I hear often from friends who I've spoken to about getting in and out of Scientology is "You? I can't believe you were conned so horribly!" Then they comment about my intelligence and open-mindedness. They just don't see how it could have happened. In fact, they tend to think that it must not have been so bad because I am a "smart person" and went along with it "willingly." Personally, some of the most intelligent people I have met were in Scientology. It really has nothing to do with how intelligent someome is. Anyone can be fooled. Everyone has a "ruin" that can be taken advantage of. I am glad to finally be posting here and am overwhelmed by everyone's responses. I'm looking forward to getting more out.

    To answer your questions, things are still continually updated with more "pure tech" from DM. Everyone right now has to re-do many Bridge steps at their own expense, of course. I did hear a rumor that staff pay was increasing, which totally floored me. Staff members at my org coped as it seems they all do - not sleeping, not eating, making less than minimum wage, and still clapping at LRHs picture with enthusiasm. I will say the executives at my org were not yelling, screaming and punishing execs like ones I have read about. Still, the system of "ethics" present still leaves every one of them believing everything that they have not accomplished was somehow "pulled in." I wouldn't have any way of knowing the financial stats of the org these days. Org stats could be crashing but at events everything is always in affluence. It's really hard to say. There were still plenty of div 4 public when I left, but there were not many new members coming in. I hope that answers everything!

    Thanks for being so welcome!