Leaving

[svonhatten]

I've been working on this for a while. This is the first part. I plan on adding details in the future.

=================================
The Beginning of the End

January 2007

“Okay folks, this is your get-off point,” the bus driver announced. It was 10 AM and the air was nice and cool. I was ready for a day at the beach and some auditing from the Church of Scientology in Santa Barbara. I decided to first locate the Church of Scientology after getting off.

Walking down State Street was certainly an experience I would not forget. “I haven't been here since I was in 3rd grade! How could I have not been able to this beauty and this air?” The excitement I felt was almost unbearable. Finally out of my own house, in a different city and ready to seize the day!

After locating the church, I decided to find a nice spot to eat. Fortunately, I had done my homework the night before and picked out a nice vegetarian place called the Natural Cafe. Of course, I was vegetarian and the food was absolutely superb. Especially since there was a girl that was glancing over at me every so often.

I felt a feeling of independence already, and I knew I would probably never see her again anyway, so I went over to introduce myself.

“Uh, uh, uh... my name is... would you... can I...?” I paused for a moment. “What the hell was I doing? I don't even know this girl and now I'm making a complete idiot of myself,” I thought.

“Hi! My name is Krystal. What's yours?” She put out her hand as if I were to shake it. I looked down at her hand, nails just done and short stubby fingers. It must have been a few seconds because she started giggling. She put her hand down on the table. I looked up at her slumping forward slightly.

“I'm Steve. How are you?”

As we began to talk, she asked if I wanted to sit down with her. I accepted, and probably too quickly. As we continued talking, I couldn't help noticing every inch of her body. She would chuckle with a big smile on her face each time our eyes met. Her hair was long and beautiful. Then reality seemed to snap in almost instantaneously. “Wait!” I thought. “Why would she be bothering with a poor shlub like me? Is she putting me on or something?” I put this in the back of mind. A girl was talking to me. Why should I ruin this moment?

“So what do you think?” she asked.

“Hmmm? Oh I think you're great.” She smiled sheeplishly.

“Okay then; nevermind.”

It wasn't long before our conversation turned toward politics and religion. Since living in Utah, I had a much more conservative view of things than I had previously as a very liberal individual when I lived in California before. Now I was just a conservative liberal.

The more we talked, the more it seemed as though we disagreed and were polar opposites. Yet, we both seemed to find a fascination with one another even more so.

She was a Republican. I was a Democrat.
She was outgoing. I was shy.
She had a fiery temper. I was calm and collective (most of the time anyway).
She liked the color pink. I liked the color blue.
She was a Christian, and I? Well, I was a Scientologist.

This caused plenty of grief in our relationship. While the majority of our debates were fun-filled and just playing devil's advocate, we both seemed to take religion seriously. I had something that she didn't. I had a spiritual technology that I had several improvements and wins from. I possessed everything from the ARC Triangle to the Study Tech. I felt it was almost my DUTY to share this knowledge with her.

While I didn't state this upfront to her (merely mentioning that I was a Scientologist), she still seemed to take some interest in what it was. “Excellent!” I thought. “A second date.” I told her that we could talk about it more if she would like to meet me with me again. It was about 1 by now, and I wanted to head over to the Church as soon as possible. She agreed and I gave her some of my contact information. We closed our conversation on a positive note telling her I hoped to hear from her.

“Now,” I said to myself. “Time to head over to the church and get some wins.”

Within in seconds I was walking through the doors to the Church of Scientology.

“Hi! Can we help you?” a nice lady asked behind the desk.

“Yes. I'm from Salt Lake City and I have a course that I need to finish up,” I said.

“Okay. Well, your welcome to go upstairs and begin. Myself or one of the others will be up to help you in a minute.”

I was on the Hubbard Dianetics Seminar ready to begin the auditing portion of the course. Excited, I walked upstairs. While I was only 4-5 blocks away from the beach, I never had the chance to get away to go to it.

“Oh well.” I thought. “At least I could help myself and overcome my withholds.”

After hours of auditing, I hopped on the bus to go back north from whence I came.
=================================

To be continued...

 

[OHTEEATE]

small world

Steve, I worked for Peter Alexandre about 1999, as a superintendent, and one of our projects was to put a new steel beam structure to strengthen the Santa Barbara Org. It took months, cutting holes, getting the beams in and attached, to help it withstand the next earthquake. State Street is really nice, and the surrounding area is worth exploring. There were very few public on lines at the time. My sister almost became the ED there, but went to Albuquerque instead. I had to walk by the ED for weeks, knowing she was about to be replaced, and she had no idea it was coming down. I wonder if the place is doing any business in PT.

 

[svonhatten]

Reaching home, I got on the computer to see if I missed something.

“Hey! I'll be adventurous this evening!” I thought. I googled “Scientology” and was still puzzled by the amount of lies I saw before me. “What idiots!” I thought. “When are they going to learn to do better things with their time?” I clicked one of the first links that would appear. “Xenu.net, how are you old buddy?” I said to myself, “Let's see what new junk you've posted.” It'd been almost a year since I first saw the website introduced by a friend of mine.

===Flashback===

I was sitting at my desk in a noisy debate class. It was only a couple hours before school would get out. I was reading What is Scientology? in an attempt to strike up conversation. My good friendly neighbor asked what I was reading.

“It's What is Scientology. It explains the fundamental principles of the Church of Scientology and the successes that many people, including myself, have had from it.”
“You know it's all just a load of bullshit, right?”
“What are you talking about? You don't know what you're talking about!”
“Don't you folks believe in some alien or something?”
“What?!”
“It's on the web. I can't explain it here.”
“You don't know what you're talking about! Scientology is based on principles that work! How can you not see that?”
“Just look on the web. Google 'xenu.' They can explain it much better than I could.”
“Okay... whatever.”

A few hours later, I was home and looking on the Internet. “Let's find out what this moron 'friend' of mine was talking about. Xenu? What is this? Some sort of joke?” I found the link to the Xenu leaflet.

http://www.xenu.net/archive/leaflet/xenuleaf.htm

Are these people serious? I haven't been in THAT long and I can already tell that this site was bullshit.

“That jerk Parnell... he doesn't know what he's talking about,” I thought as I skimmed the site. “Xenu TV? Boy this'll be a laugh! What?! Did they make a movie about it now?”

http://www.xenutv.com/

“Hmm... who's this good for nothing guy? Looks like a pastor I've met. Oh! This lady looks nice. What's her deal?”

http://www.xenutv.com/interviews/tory-videos.htm

“Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to watch one of them. OT-7 panel looks interesting.”

http://www.xenutv.com/interviews/otpanel.htm

“Well that was weird.”
“Stephen! Dinner!”
“Shucks! I can take a look at some of this later.”

===End of Flashback===

“Hmmm... this looks interesting. A.r.s. in review?”

http://www.xenu.net/archive/WIR/

“Looks stupid. Let's google this thing.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alt.religion.scientology
Then to:
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.religion.scientology/topics?lnk=lr

I wondered why so many people were posting to this newsgroup. Well, I can always ask them. As I pondered as to what I should title myself, I decided to post as “The Professor.” This should be fun.

“I, as a Scientologist apologetic, come here in peace. I understand that this group has large amounts of critics in it. I'd like to see the other side of the story. I want to know what you folks think, and why you think that way.

Feel free to send me an e-mail, but do it in peace. I don't want to have a bunch of people trying to troll me.”

“Now let's see what these good-for-nothing scumbags have to say, or even better! Let's cause a little disruption. Make a little noise for a bit.” So I took my original account and posted:

“Why are you still posting on this group, professor? You know very well the hostility towards Scientologists on this group.”

I thought that this would cause some drama, even though I was posting from the same IP address. I decided later that night that the group wasn't even worth my time and later leave. The hostility was unbearable.

By now it was late, and I was tired.

 

[svonhatten]

Steve, I worked for Peter Alexandre about 1999, as a superintendent, and one of our projects was to put a new steel beam structure to strengthen the Santa Barbara Org. It took months, cutting holes, getting the beams in and attached, to help it withstand the next earthquake. State Street is really nice, and the surrounding area is worth exploring. There were very few public on lines at the time. My sister almost became the ED there, but went to Albuquerque instead. I had to walk by the ED for weeks, knowing she was about to be replaced, and she had no idea it was coming down. I wonder if the place is doing any business in PT.

Was Peter pretty tall and have dark hair?

 

[Voltaire's Child]

Steven, I have seen many posts by various critics and even by a Freezoner or two saying that people on a.r.s. (notice they NEVER say it about OCMB...they could never sell THAT bill of goods...) really don't have anything against Scn or Scn'ists, it's all just the practices of CofS, and they want to make them stop.

This is true of some critics but seems to be the minority.

The majority hate Scn itself, hate the idea of anyone studying Scn as an indie or Freezoner or anything else, and will be hostile to any Scn'ist posting there.

But luckily, they aren't all like that. There are still a fair number of critics around who do not think or act like that and who really are cool with ideological diversity, and who really are true to their stated goals of wanting to stop CofS and its abuses toward members and toward others.

 

[svonhatten]

Steven, I have seen many posts by various critics and even by a Freezoner or two saying that people on a.r.s. (notice they NEVER say it about OCMB...they could never sell THAT bill of goods...) really don't have anything against Scn or Scn'ists, it's all just the practices of CofS, and they want to make them stop.

This is true of some critics but seems to be the minority.

The majority hate Scn itself, hate the idea of anyone studying Scn as an indie or Freezoner or anything else, and will be hostile to any Scn'ist posting there.

But luckily, they aren't all like that. There are still a fair number of critics around who do not think or act like that and who really are cool with ideological diversity, and who really are true to their stated goals of wanting to stop CofS and its abuses toward members and toward others.

Hmmm... for some reason, my posts are disappearing. I previously asked what you were referencing to.

 

[Voltaire's Child]

Was referring to this one

svonhatten
Member Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 221



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reaching home, I got on the computer to see if I missed something.

“Hey! I'll be adventurous this evening!” I thought. I googled “Scientology” and was still puzzled by the amount of lies I saw before me. “What idiots!” I thought. “When are they going to learn to do better things with their time?” I clicked one of the first links that would appear. “Xenu.net, how are you old buddy?” I said to myself, “Let's see what new junk you've posted.” It'd been almost a year since I first saw the website introduced by a friend of mine.

===Flashback===

I was sitting at my desk in a noisy debate class. It was only a couple hours before school would get out. I was reading What is Scientology? in an attempt to strike up conversation. My good friendly neighbor asked what I was reading.

“It's What is Scientology. It explains the fundamental principles of the Church of Scientology and the successes that many people, including myself, have had from it.”
“You know it's all just a load of bullshit, right?”
“What are you talking about? You don't know what you're talking about!”
“Don't you folks believe in some alien or something?”
“What?!”
“It's on the web. I can't explain it here.”
“You don't know what you're talking about! Scientology is based on principles that work! How can you not see that?”
“Just look on the web. Google 'xenu.' They can explain it much better than I could.”
“Okay... whatever.”

A few hours later, I was home and looking on the Internet. “Let's find out what this moron 'friend' of mine was talking about. Xenu? What is this? Some sort of joke?” I found the link to the Xenu leaflet.

http://www.xenu.net/archive/leaflet/xenuleaf.htm

Are these people serious? I haven't been in THAT long and I can already tell that this site was bullshit.

“That jerk Parnell... he doesn't know what he's talking about,” I thought as I skimmed the site. “Xenu TV? Boy this'll be a laugh! What?! Did they make a movie about it now?”

http://www.xenutv.com/

“Hmm... who's this good for nothing guy? Looks like a pastor I've met. Oh! This lady looks nice. What's her deal?”

http://www.xenutv.com/interviews/tory-videos.htm

“Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to watch one of them. OT-7 panel looks interesting.”

http://www.xenutv.com/interviews/otpanel.htm

“Well that was weird.”
“Stephen! Dinner!”
“Shucks! I can take a look at some of this later.”

===End of Flashback===

“Hmmm... this looks interesting. A.r.s. in review?”

http://www.xenu.net/archive/WIR/

“Looks stupid. Let's google this thing.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alt.religion.scientology
Then to:
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.r.../topics?lnk=lr

I wondered why so many people were posting to this newsgroup. Well, I can always ask them. As I pondered as to what I should title myself, I decided to post as “The Professor.” This should be fun.

“I, as a Scientologist apologetic, come here in peace. I understand that this group has large amounts of critics in it. I'd like to see the other side of the story. I want to know what you folks think, and why you think that way.

Feel free to send me an e-mail, but do it in peace. I don't want to have a bunch of people trying to troll me.”

“Now let's see what these good-for-nothing scumbags have to say, or even better! Let's cause a little disruption. Make a little noise for a bit.” So I took my original account and posted:

“Why are you still posting on this group, professor? You know very well the hostility towards Scientologists on this group.”

I thought that this would cause some drama, even though I was posting from the same IP address. I decided later that night that the group wasn't even worth my time and later leave. The hostility was unbearable.

By now it was late, and I was tired.
__________________
"Then, Sir, we will give them the bayonet!" -Stonewall Jackson

http://www.shuttingthedoor.zoomshare.com/

http://www.myspace.com/stephen_vonhatten (updated 6/25)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last edited by svonhatten : 3rd July 2007 at 06:29 AM.

 

[svonhatten]

Steven, I have seen many posts by various critics and even by a Freezoner or two saying that people on a.r.s. (notice they NEVER say it about OCMB...they could never sell THAT bill of goods...) really don't have anything against Scn or Scn'ists, it's all just the practices of CofS, and they want to make them stop.

This is true of some critics but seems to be the minority.

The majority hate Scn itself, hate the idea of anyone studying Scn as an indie or Freezoner or anything else, and will be hostile to any Scn'ist posting there.

But luckily, they aren't all like that. There are still a fair number of critics around who do not think or act like that and who really are cool with ideological diversity, and who really are true to their stated goals of wanting to stop CofS and its abuses toward members and toward others.

Aha! Gotcha.

I'm writing as if I were still in. The perception and style of writing changes as I move out. That way you can understand what was going on in my head and the thought processes 'n such. Speaking of which... I need to work on the next section...

 

[svonhatten]

BETRAYED!!!

It had been a few days before I had heard anything from Krystal. I woke up at my usual time in the mornings and checked my e-mail as I usually do. When I checked my myspace, there was a new friend request. “Great! Spam!” Come to find out, Krystal had messaged me and sent me a friend request. We began talking and I showed her some links to Dianetics. We decided later that week to meet again for date. This continued for a few weeks. We must've gone out 8-9 times in 3 weeks or so. She'd come up to my end and stay a couple of nights and I would go down there for a couple of nights at a time.

As we began experiencing problems in communication and affection, I asked if she would be interested in marriage counseling. She had expressed interest in Scientology anyway, so I thought this would be a perfect way to figure out what Scientology was all about... helping people. She finally became open to it around the end of January.

When we began, we were off to a great start. Open honesty, communication; everything! It was wonderful. It didn't take long for those wins to fade, though.

I found out what had happened later. She told me that she had no idea it was a critic group. She lied about this to me, but if I knew that she was knowingly posting on a critical group like ARS, I would've gone through the roof and she knows it.

While I was downstairs making some dinner for the two of us to enjoy a nice romantic St. Valentine's Day, she was upstairs posting that she had a boyfriend who was a Scientologist and wanted to know more. Well, she got her responses alright. When I found out she was posting what she was, I WENT THROUGH THE ROOF!!! AND ON MY COMPUTER!!! I couldn't believe it. And now she was trying to show me “the truth” about Scientology.
“You're only on your first course! What makes you such an authority? We've been having excellent wins on the marriage counseling course. It wasn't until you posted on that newsgroup that we started having problems again. You see what these religious bigots do? They take away from yours and my wins!”

She asked me about some of this stuff on Valentine's Day (which almost completely ruined the mood for me). That evening, she spent the night before going back to Santa Barbara. The next day, she began showing what I call “suppressive person behavior” where she showed me all of the information, links, thread, etc. that she had found.

Some of the links she showed me were:
http://www.scientomogy.com/jeremy_perkins.php
http://www.scientomogy.com/south_park_emmy.php
http://www.scientomogy.com/the_bridge.php
http://www.scientomogy.com/narconon_scam.php
http://www.lermanet.com/
http://www.scientomogy.com/xenu_space_opera.php
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=xenu&btnG=Google+Searchisa
http://www.xenu.net
http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~dst/OTIII/
http://www.xenutv.com

That turned into a HUGE fight, especially when I found out she was posting from my computer to this newsgroup that I had posted to only a month before. After showing me those links and trying to reason with me, we broke up. I had called and talked to one of the staff members in Salt Lake City to see what I should do. She never told me to disconnect with her, but mentioned it as a last resort.

After the fight, I didn't want anything to do with her and she didn't want a whole lot to do with me. We would get back together a couple days later.

After we managed to salvage whatever it was we had left, we agreed that she would leave the newsgroup: alt.religion.scientology to myself, since my name was now mentioned. I began started posting from then on as “Stephen Von Hatten.”

 

[Voltaire's Child]

Posting to critical forums can be a two edged sword. It brings benefits (information that one would not have otherwise had) and things not so beneficial...(people trying to out the person, people pulling fair game type tactics while bemoaning CofS' commission of fair game tactics).

Scn can be a two edged sword, as well. It has brought heartache to many for its uncompromising ideas and its stance (and yes, I'm saying Scn, not just CofS) that people should give their all to it and get little in return and its arbitraries, and it has brought benefits to many in re auditing and other things.

Now that I think of it, many things in life are like that.

The only solution is to look at individual situations, experiences and ideas individually and to analyze them.

And your recounting of your experiences on this thread is a great step in that direction.

 

[svonhatten]

Yes. That's right.

Thanks Claire.

And a praise report. Krystal called, not being more than a month in and she's already sorta discouraged. The amount of time she was in the cof$ was the longest we hadn't talked since we had met in January. She called a couple of days ago, and things are looking on the bright side. I'm bringing my Scientology books back from Utah, and I'll be letting her use them. She expressed some major interest in FZ. I also sent her the links Terril posted before (I think it was him). Anyway, things are finally looking up for the both of us now, and that makes me very happy.

 

[svonhatten]

War On the Internet

===Flashback===
Since I was first introduced to the Xenu website by a friend, I had taken an active role in the Internet war against critics of the Church of Scientology. One of those sites was myspace. I would regularly patrol looking searching such keywords as “Scientology,” “Cult,” “L. Ron Hubbard,” etc. After finding them, I would usually ask what they were doing, why, and what was in it for them. Some of them answered respectively; others would go off on me. After a few exchanges, I would click the “Report Abuse” link at the bottom of their myspace, explain that they were posing as Scientologists and ridiculing my religion. On a couple of occasions, I would post to groups on myspace dedicated to Scientology, where the profile would also be reported by those individuals. This was generally on a somewhat weekly basis. I would check back again and again every so often. If the profile wasn't down by 24 hours or so, I would generally report the profile to the RTC as copyright infringement under “Knowledge Reports” or “KR”'s under the banner of an “RTC Electronic Report Form.”

https://www.rtc.org/html/en_US/reports/index.html

While I never worked for the Office of Special Affairs directly, I considered myself well-versed in Hubbardian and Scientologese where I would discuss what it was that was so bothering to critics of Scientology. They would blab on about Lisa McPherson or something along those lines. I wouldn't have a response because the information never soaked in. I still have difficulty letting it soak in. The organization that I had been a part of could never have done this. We are ethical individuals, not murderers, which I still have trouble with even today.

===End of Flashback===

Now I was posting to a suppressive group known as alt.religion.scientology, or “ARS” for short.

When I first arrived, I had some run-ins with a woman (whom I would later befriend), Barbara Schwarz, and a Cleanschools which introduced me to the website:

http://www.religiousfreedomwatch.org/

Later, when I would exit the church in March, I would find the response, which I'd like to put here right now.

http://www.religiousfreedomwatch.info/

I was immediately immersed in the “Babblestop – StopSpam” war. Siding with no one, I ridiculed the Babblestop machine as defamatory, and the StopSpam as Barbara Schwarz. I even said so, which she immediately began labeling me from her own account and the cleanschools account as “Robert Griffin.” I had NO idea who he was or why she would say that.

I didn't consider Barbara Schwarz or any of the spambots as Scientologists. After all, Scientologists wouldn't spam a group! Scientologists are the most ethical people on the planet! If not the most, we were certainly in the top ten, right? Or so I thought...

After a day or so and feeling a slight sense of guilt for what I had done and exhausted from the harassment, I made a video addressed to Barbara Schwarz which I planned on later posting to the group. Barbara Graham later beat me to it. It was AFTER the video was made that Krystal and I had decided to get back together. Our chemistry seemed very magical when we were around each other. While she lived in Santa Barbara, and I in Santa Maria, this still didn't stop our intense feelings for one another that we felt.

For the most part I received kind words from individuals such as Claire Swazey, Barbara Graham, etc. It was the jokers and moderates that really made ARS bearable for me to stay and continue to post and read the comments. I continued to read several websites, some good, some bad.

It wasn't until around the first couple of days in March that things really seemed to click for me.

 

[Voltaire's Child]

Yah, I hear ya. First time I read a.r.s. and the critical forums I found on the 'net, I actually cried. I was freaked out.

It helped to get into contact with others who'd also been through it.

CofS doesn't want people to discuss these things or really, much of anything.

"verbal tech", "mutual out-rudes" "matters of RTC concern" "third partying" "natter" "self auditing", etc.

Hubbard (I almost wrote "chubbard"- LOL!) said people shouldn't discuss their courses and stuff, and elsewhere, not their cases, either. I get the thing re self auditing, but really, when you add all this up, it really boils down to "Do not communicate".

PLUS, the church really doesn't want people comparing notes about crap they've seen or been through- they don't want people to know that much of this nonsense is widespread and will just keep happening.

So it's VERY therapeutic and info-wise, really good to discuss this stuff.

 

[Lulu Belle]

PLUS, the church really doesn't want people comparing notes about crap they've seen or been through- they don't want people to know that much of this nonsense is widespread and will just keep happening.

You have no idea how widespread this kind of suppression was.

In the Sea Org, it became basically forbidden for even the different org stratas to communicate with each other.

In the 70s and 80s, it was very common for someone from a service org like ASHO to be married to someone posted at Gold.

In the mid 80s, middle management moved into PAC. People from AOLA were roomates with people from OSA Int. CLO staff knew and freely communicated with people from FB.

There was somewhat open communication between people on different levels.

All that was shut down and cut out later on. It was basically forbidden for "off lines communication" to occur.

The reason?

Upper management being afraid that "what really went on" would get spread around.

 

[svonhatten]

Back to the Org

Within the first couple of days of posting that I had gone back to my Org in Santa Barbara. Things started off really well. By now I was just finishing up the Dianetics Seminar course and had signed up for the Dianetics Auditing Course, in addition to the marriage counseling and marriage courses Krystal and I were doing. These included:

- How to Improve Relationships with Others Course
- Starting a Successful Marriage Course
- How to Maintain a Successful Marriage Course

I had already completed two other Life Improvement Courses:

- Personal Values & Integrity Course
- How to Make Work Easier Course

In addition to:
- The Personal Efficiency Course Parts 1 & 2
- Hubbard Dissemination Course
- Field Staff Member Course

I was preparing to finish the “Field Staff Member Specialist” course before leaving Salt Lake City, but never had the opportunity. Things were great, but I would go home that day, get on ARS, and something life-changing would happen that 3rd of March 2007.

 

[svonhatten]

I may not be able to post for a few days. I'm leaving Utah tomorrow to go to California. I have to take care of some business, so I apologize if I won't be around for a while. Then again, I might. It all depends on time.

 

[Snuffy]

Wow, talk about a cliff-hanger!! Ever thought about a career writing suspence novels?

 

[svonhatten]

Wow, talk about a cliff-hanger!! Ever thought about a career writing suspence novels?

No. Not really. But thanks.

Okay... as it turns out. I decided to stay up all night for my flight today and got some more parts done.

 

[svonhatten]

A Suppressive Person Declaration

While I always considered critics to be Suppressive Persons, I didn't pay really close attention. It wasn't until I read a post by Barbara Schwarz that things really began to fall into place.

“IT IS A HIGH CRIME TO PUBLICLY DEPART SCIENTOLOGY.”

This jumped out to me and suddenly things began to pop into place. “Wait a minute! A 'high crime' to depart Scientology?”

“PUBLIC DISAVOWAL OF SCIENTOLOGY OR SCIENTOLOGISTS IN GOOD STANDING WITH SCIENTOLOGY ORGANIZATIONS.”

“Good Lord! If I decide that Scientology isn't right for me, then I can't state that I had left the church?” I was amazed and very awestruck... if a celebrity even decided to leave, they could not publicly admit it. What was I thinking being a part of a church that would excommunicate you just because you didn't feel it was right for you and moved on? By now, I knew that I was brainwashed... and HEAVILY.

This all took place on March 3, 2007. I felt an incredible release. Like I was captured in a web and I just realized it. I knocked myself around about how stupid I felt I was.

http://groups.google.com/group/alt.religion.scientology/browse_thread/thread/6f9c80b988933001/

It didn't take long for Joe Kimperson to show up and try to talk me into leaving ARS and going back to my Org. He would later e-mail me to lay out my reprimand project after I e-mailed the public relations e-mail from the main Scientology website mentioning that I wanted to get back in and if there wasn't too much damage done.

While I was still reporting myspace accounts, websites, etc. to the administrators and the RTC, I still read what was out there. I felt this feeling of emptiness when I read the critic pages/posts which made me feel defensive and later reported them. I knew I was still searching for something, but I didn't know what it was.

Navy was the first that I spilled my guts to. I had been using the doubt formula for some time when my automatic thought stopping didn't work. A while back I had mentioned to my mission holder in the Salt Lake City Mission that I was on the Internet working avidly against critics and their lies (or at least, I had thought they were at the time). Since that time, I was labeled PTS, but I felt I was doing a service to them.

That March 3rd, I knew for sure that I was leaving the Church of Scientology. There was no going back for now. I had told Joe K. off and began asking very difficult questions to the SLC Mission; ones that I never received a response back from.

It didn't take long before fear began to set in and suicidal tendencies began to show their face. I was fighting for my mind.

===Flashback===
Being raised in a Fundamentalist Protestant Christian home, I was never allowed to read books other than Christian based books. Thinking wasn't a big part of who I was. It was about faith, not thought. And if I were to go astray and think, I would have a chance of going to hell.

I remember lying in bed on several nights beckoning God not to come back before I woke up. I remember living in fear of my mom and the friends I had in church. Our family wasn't an ordinary one. We only listened to Christian music, watch Christian movies and television (not Disney because they were Satan), only had Christian friends, etc. Everything was Christian because otherwise, we might go to hell or miss the rapture.

I remember just starting high school when the first movie of Left Behind came out. We watched it, and I was as scared as I ever could be. My sense of self-esteem was at one of the lowest points in my life and I had thought about suicide on several occasions. It wasn't until I was introduced to Scientology by a friend of mine that things really began to take off for me. I had been looking into Mormonism and now I had found something called Scientology that could help my communication and lift my self-esteem.

At the time I affiliated myself with the worst possible label. I was a democrat... and an ATHEIST!!! I had watched Dr. Kent Hovind's videos and was well versed in Creationism and humanism (or so I thought). I became what my mother worst dreaded... a humanist. I was rebelling and for good reason. I became everything that she wasn't. If she said she had an opinion on one thing one way, I had the complete opposite. This is partly why Scientology appealed to me so much. My mom called it a cult (then again she called the Catholic Church a cult). She may have been right that Scientology was a cult, but her definition was wrong.
===End of Flashback===

Looking back on it all now, I never really possessed my mind. I had always let someone else control it for me. It wasn't until I moved out to Utah that really felt the liberty to do anything I wanted unlike before. I could hang out with non-Christians at home without them being asked to leave by my mother, etc. I literally felt 10 pounds lighter.

While in Utah, I really seriously began looking into what Scientology was. I had already bought my first two books (The Fundamentals of Thought and New Slant on Life) and had the talks about the different courses, etc from my good friend Danny in high school. Unfortunately, after moving to Utah, I would not be a very loyal student. I wouldn't keep appointments, schedules, etc. This labeled my family as PTS.

As I continued to make friends with the “other side” as I called them, I started hitting a higher point in life. I was trying to make friends with everyone, including Barbara Schwarz.

 

[Kilia]

Steve, thank you for telling your story here.

ps..I love that music you grew up with. I like to go back to your myspace account and play it like once a day. lol