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Moving on

Discussion in 'Life After Scientology' started by duddins, Oct 14, 2007.

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  1. duddins

    duddins Patron Meritorious

    This forum is an interesting one...."What are your strategies for starting over and leaving the C of S in your past?"

    Starting over:
    1st off, I would not have been able to start over had it not been for a caring soul who understood what I was going through and unconditionally reached out to me and helped me.

    I was at one time the CO of the FOLO over Latin America at Mexico City. I was there for several years and had made Mexico my home. I was considered a successful CO. I had become engaged to be married to a man who was a month or two away from a final divorce. We had waited for a year and a half. Mexico is not as free with divorces as one may think.
    I wanted to help the people of Mexico, but I was keenly aware of the differences in economy of Mexico to the US. So much poverty..... I started to originate telexes....trying to increase awareness about the economic situation there....It was considered CI I suppose.
    FAST FORWARD.....pulled to the US, Comm Ev: Accused of High crimes, etc. Comm Ev clears me of all but minor omissions in mgmt but I am told that I could not go back to Mexico.
    I blew.

    I stayed in the US with my parents for months. I got a temp job. No feeling. Lost. No thoughts of my own. Just judgements....I was making on myself....trying to replay and figure out what had happened. I knew I did not want to go back to the SO. I knew that I had been unjustly stonewalled. I knew that I was not an SP. I knew I did not want to be in the US.

    I saved up money and took a train to Mexico. I rented a hotel room. I made attempts to contact my fiance. He had been cut off from me. Told I was never coming back. Everyone I loved and knew and concidered my friend now saw me as Bad. A bad person, an SP. I had never, and have never since felt so incredibly alone.

    A friend was sent my way....Elena. I dont even remember her last name. She was a doctor who ran a clinic that served the impoverished. She was an ex-Scientologist. She seemed to understand my pain. Never asked me for anything...never suggested anything...or expected anything of me. She gave me a place to stay at the clinic, and comfort. A room that was my home for 6months. She gave me tasks to do to keep busy, but no preasure.

    I cried....for those months. I stared at the cieling and thought....cried some more. Stared at the cieling more....thought and cried more.

    I tried once more to reach my fiance...we finally spoke and said goodbye.

    I cried more and thought more, but a thin light began to shine through. Each day, gradually became more bareable than the one before it. Finally on a beautiful May day, I went out for a walk and somehow it felt good to be alive again.

    I began working for Elena, managing the finances for her little clinic. I became an extra pair of hands to help the people who came in with their sick children. I helped deliver several new lives to the world. I grew a human being. It was not so much about me anymore. Others were in need.

    Eventually, I became closer to Elena as a friend and moved to her home. In exchange for her kindness I became a tutor and nanny to her young sons Jose and Jorge. (approx 7 and 9 yrs old at the time.) The three of us were unseperable. To this date, I am grateful to them for my life. They gave it meaning, and after the SO I deeply needed to have meaning in my life.

    I will write more later.
  2. Zinjifar

    Zinjifar Silver Meritorious Sponsor

    Thank you for writing this. Yes, I've heard variations on this story before. How it's the non-judgmental or confrontational support that actually helps. I'm glad you found something meaningful to do. That seems to be a missing ingredient for many. Enough to drive them back into the 'Church' clutches.

  3. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    Thankyou so much for sharing that. Yes it really is good to be alive again, free to make decisions.

    I think one of the hardest things is the loss of the friendship of a group working on a common purpose. Having given that group your heart and soul and life, to have it abruptly cut off and being discarded is guaranteed to send a well meaning person into a tailspin. That's the point meant to bring you running back. And losing loved ones as well is just the pits!

    The thing that I have found to speed the recovery process is first to be kind to yourself, a very hard concept at first but it gets easier with practice. A very wise Native American lady I met once told me that in order to experience the good feelings in life we need to first empty ourselves of the solid bad past experiences until the wind blows through you. (Yeah I thought that was what I was doing in Scn! :melodramatic: ) God knows I have cried buckets over the years, but eventually the good has filled those spaces where I was being so hard on myself and the wind still can blow through.

    What a wonderful lady to help you. And think of the mothers and babies you helped too. Probably more than was possible by working from within C of $, if that's small comfort. Looking forward to more of your story.
  4. nexus100

    nexus100 Gold Meritorious Patron

    That is an incredible and beautiful story. Thank you for writing it,and so well. Have you read The Bridge of San Luis Rey? It reminded me of that.
  5. Emma

    Emma Con te partirĂ² Administrator

    Thanks for sharing your story. It means a lot to people.
  6. duddins

    duddins Patron Meritorious

    No I have not read it...But I would like to.

    Thank you for your comments on my story. I just hope that if there is anyone out there that feels lost like I did, that they know that there is always new meaning to find in our lives. There are so many wonderful things to experience. Scientology corners us into believing that there is no happiness in life without it! That is just not true. I have alot more to write.....but I have to do it a little at a time.
  7. duddins

    duddins Patron Meritorious

    Moving On: 2

    There is more to the story.

    Elena and her sons...very fond memories. It took me some time, but I began coming to life again, gaining back my normal cheerful nature. Jose and Jorge taught me spanish and I taught them English. We watched Saturday morning cartoons together, took walks, did arts and crafts and I laughed. I still have sketches I drew of them from their school pictures. Just these simple things brought me back...slowly. But this tranquility did not last.

    Marie Elena (I am remembering more of her name now) was living with/dating her long term boyfriend and fellow Doctor and Ex- Scientologist, Francisco Campos. He in turn was close friends with a well known and active squirrel that I heard had quite a following. I saw Francisco around quite frequently, and he was nice. Kind...again did not pump me for information or ask anything of me. The days went by with little enturbulation..

    Then the Earthquake came....September 19th at 7:19 am. A magnitude 8.2 out in the Pacific Ocean that sent Mexico City (a city build upon a landfilled lake) into turmoil. Thousands of people died that morning. I grabbed Jorge, while Elena grabbed Jose, and we tore out of the house, Francisco behind us. Outside the trees swaying and the car jurking off it's axis. The home remained stable because we were 10 miles from the center of town and on more solid ground. But the long days that followed, learning of the devisation...was heart wrenching. Francisco and Elena were both Doctors. As they did their work, caring for the injured and ill, I stayed with the children. Scientology and the SO drifted further away from my thoughts.

    Actually, the Quake is history, but it also earmarked a transition. Change....and unbelievable deeds that drove me into another situation.

    It was weeks after the quake...a sad event and a busy time at the clinic. As the boys went back to school, I eventually went back to being a helping hand at the clinic.

    I remember a child of nine months old. With a severe case of psneumonia. Why the parents had waited weeks for treatment is unknown. But I sat, monitoring the child as the doctor dealt with another emergency. The little boy stopped breathing. I was holding his hand. I cried out for help, I gave CPR, I did all I could until the doctor came into the room. This was a very primitive clinic by our standards, and they did not have the resources to save the little boy. This deeply touched me. That feeling of helplessness. It mingled with other feelings of inadequacy that I was harboring. But again, it was part of my journey.

    One week later, Elena woke up and ran from the house in histerics. She told me that Francisco had been assulted in his apartment/or office in town. I don't recall which. He had been brutally beaten by a gang of men. He was in the ICU, clinging to his life. Franciscos, friend (the squirrel) had been attacked as well in a different location hours later. He was in the same condition as Francisco. I was amazed...wondering if it could at all be possible that this was related to Scientology.

    My amazement turned to anger. I recieved a phone call at the clinic. Someone asking for me by name. I will never forget that call: In perfect English with an american accent, was a voice at the other end of the phone. I didnt associate with anyone who spoke English, let alone spoke with a US accent.
    CALLER: "Is this ----------? " (stating my entire name including my middle name---noone that I knew there knew my middle name)

    CALLER: "Is this ------------?"

    ME: (My answer was agressive) "Who the Hell is this?"

    CALLER: "Well -------(my name) it is a shame about your friends...."
    (His voice was feeling....only bad intent.)

    ME: "What the F### are you talking about?"

    CALLER: "Brutally really is a shame.."

    ME: "Who is this!!!??? Who the F### is this?!!"

    CALLER: "Well, ---------(my full name including middle) you have 24 hours to get out of Mexico. You won't get off as well as they won't even make it to the hospital."

    ME: "WHO IS THIS?"

    He then hung up.

    Now one might think that my response would be fear. Actually, others feared for me; Elena and other friends from the clinic. But I was pissed off. I was furious. This single phone call, assured me that I had done the right thing by leaving the Sea Org. These people who had replaced my Scientology family were people who valued life, working daily to keep people alive....dealing with the reality of poverty and ignorance. They were under attack by the worse kind of bully imaginable.

    Elena convinced me to move in with a contact who was not an ex member of the church. Pedro...a Peruvian homosexual who was also the front page writer/editor for the 2nd most read newspaper in Mexico, took me in. One of the kindest souls I have ever met or will ever meet in my life. He got me set up in a "wog" job, legal papers, an apartment. A new life. I had to say goodbye to my friends, and break off all contact.

    (Note: Remember, I had been a CO, an officer and I still had some of that "Don't F### with me attitude." I marched into the FOLO Mex with my friend the editor and a doctor friend who masquerated as my lawyer. Before I turned my back on Scn I went to the GO there and told them that I was not intimidated by their Bulls##t and that if anything happened to me, It would be all over the paper before the next morning. I told them to give me back my possessions and they did. The people I had been closest to, had worked with and had worked for....stared at me like I was a leper. I closed my heart to it.

    I had been feeling inadequate....this turned into resolve. I decided to make the best of my life that I could. I never even spoke to another scientologist ex or other until recently. I think that it is the right time for me to tell my story. To share my life after being declared SP.

    20 years passed. I got married, had kids, went back to a scholarship to a great school. Obtained a degree in Biology and a Masters in Education. I continue my education in Physical Sciences today, tackling Physics and Astronomy. I have 4 great kids and I teach high school students about the miracles of life with enthusiasm. I teach about the wonders of the universe. The physical Universe. Life did not end after Scientology. I did not fall into the bowels of hell. I did not become ill, or make others ill. I did not pull in bad things. Life was and is good.

    Not perfect...good. Life is never going to be perfect. That is what makes it interesting.

    There is still more to tell......later on.
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2007
  8. duddins

    duddins Patron Meritorious

    Thanks so much for reading my story. Yes! Life is good and all of the events that followed my leaving, including my experiences from inside; made me who I am today and I am content with the entire package. No regrets.

    It is great to be in contact with people who understand. Thank you.

    PS: I have posted installment 2 of the continuing saga. (moving on: 2)
  9. duddins

    duddins Patron Meritorious

    So true...Mr. Kicks Ass!
    Kindness is amazing. There is not enough of it in the SO, or anywhere in the world for that matter. But it can be an infectious thing. It made me want to be kind to others, to do nice things.
    Altruism: a human quality that defies evolution of the species.
    Thanks for reading my thread. It means alot.
  10. Dulloldfart

    Dulloldfart Squirrel Extraordinaire


    Thank you for this, duddins.

    There's one big thing I don't understand: Who with US and presumably underworld connections would want you to stop doing what you were doing in Mexico, and why? I could understand some CofS attack on an active critic like Gerry Armstrong or Keith Henson, but some sort of organizational revenge attack on someone way off the lines that wouldn't even be seen as a head on a pike doesn't make sense to me. Can you say what year this was?

    Did you have any personal enemies at that time? Could someone have got it into her head that you had stolen her husband, or something?

  11. duddins

    duddins Patron Meritorious

    I believe that someone assumed that because I was living in the (sometimes) home of Campos, I was involved in anti Scientology activities. Elena and him were kind of on again off again and sometimes he would be staying with her and sometimes not. (the 2D relationship was between Elena and Campos) The active critic was the associate of Campos. I had met him once in a restaurant when I went out to lunch with Elena. But I was not in the least interested in jumping on his bandwagon. He was an influential squirrel in the Mexico area. I had heard his name tossed around when I was CO.
    The attack and threat took place in 1985, around late October or early November.
    No enemies. Nothing. I had long since dropped any connection to my former love interest, who I believe had returned to his family. If it were me, and something I was doing, that would not explain why those two men (vocal ex-scientologists) were attacked. I had just heard the news myself about the beatings. Who would know that they had been beat up, would know how to reach me, would know they were in the ICU, would know my exact full name?
    I believe that to understand it fully would entail understanding what the associate of Campos was up to.
    I wish I understood all of the details myself...but I was actively trying to disassociate with Scn. I did not take heed of what Dr Campos or his friend were doing. I just know that they were beaten, and I was threatened.
  12. Dulloldfart

    Dulloldfart Squirrel Extraordinaire

    Fair enough. Thanks very much. It makes as much sense to me now as it is going to without further data, and I am not going to go looking for it.

    I will just comment that if this was a :shark: op, the end result might or might not have turned out as planned. The original order might have been an ill-thought-out vague "Rough him up a bit and teach him a lesson."

  13. Bea Kiddo

    Bea Kiddo Crusader


    I think you are gonna know my mom.

    I think she was Latam Pgms chf during that earthquake.
  14. duddins

    duddins Patron Meritorious

    I agree. I may never learn all of the details and I don't need to at this point.
    For me, it was the catalyst that caused me to break all contact. I needed to get myself together. I didn't want any of it. I wanted to start thinking for myself.
    I just want it to be known that Francisco was kind to me, he never diseminated squirrel tech, was always polite. He worked hard as a doctor and that was my perception of him. These people were like family to me, and it was a shocking event.
  15. SchwimmelPuckel

    SchwimmelPuckel Genuine Meatball

    Well, you never know what might percolate to the surface. There are a lot of people out now, and more blowing as we speak. The data is here, so someone might remember that OP and tell us...

    Shit like that is not likely to be forgotten. Either by the victims or the perps.

  16. duddins

    duddins Patron Meritorious


    Very possible.

    When I was removed, Kathy MacIntosh, who had been a dear friend and former roomate, was my chf at FOLO level as I recall. It was Kathy I last recieved coms from when I was in Mex. I reported to her and she was the one that told me that I would not be going back to Mex but that plans were to post me at FOLO.

    But there were so many org board changes at FOLO level that it is all a mush to me now. I had so many people running me at different points in time: the ED INT, FLAG, FOLO....some of it is still vague.

    Kathy was a good person and she is one of the persons I had hoped to contact someday. I have no clue where she is or if she is still in the SO.
    A Canadian..salt and pepper hair. Great sense of humor.

    I would very likely have known your mom though. Is she still in the SO?

    Your mom must have known Kathy.

    (My mom and dad were also in the SO for a time.....and my brother. They left for different's health. This brings back lots -o- memories.)

    Wow again.
  17. nexus100

    nexus100 Gold Meritorious Patron

    "Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown."
  18. duddins

    duddins Patron Meritorious

    Absolutely- Positutely!

    That is the wonderful thing about ESMB. It makes things like that possible.
  19. nexus100

    nexus100 Gold Meritorious Patron

    Wow. Congratulations on your move through and thanks again for sharing it.
  20. duddins

    duddins Patron Meritorious

    Thank you for reading it!!!