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My name is Carolyn Schofield

Discussion in 'Leaving Scientology' started by Mary Magdalene, Oct 27, 2008.

  1. Hello,

    My name is Carolyn Schofield and I am no longer a Scientologist.

    Thankyou to Kevin Mackey (aka Feral) who spoke with my husband some 5 or so weeks ago. I was admittedly speechless when I first heard from my husband that Kevin was out of the church. My husband had spoken already about leaving the church and I had told him he had better sort it out otherwise he wouldn't be able to see his children. But then I intercepted a phone call from Kev to my husband...

    Kevin was factual and knowledgable. I had a few doubts, asked some questions and he answered with more succint facts that left me in no doubt that I was no longer a Scientologist.

    I spent days freer than I have ever felt before.

    Free of the guilt that has surrounded me regarding the deaths of my two beautiful girls, Lauren Elizabeth Schofield, who died while in the care of staff members during Church Service in 2000, and Kirsty Ann Schofield, who died from eating Potassium Chloride (a salt supplement - or so we believed - used during the purification rundown) like they were smarties, in 2004.

    Leaving the church has made me forget the possible reasons for their deaths that were imposed upon us by OSA and the technology of L. Ron Hubbard. I am now able to grieve these losses without those burdens.

    I do not hold the church accountable for the deaths of my children. I do however disagree with the lack of any responsibility being taken.

    To not act in a normal manner and apologise at the very, very least is tantamount to the condition that the church is in today. There is nothong more human than saying I was wrong. Instead, upon my husband's request for a Board of Investigation into Lauren's death, we met with Michael Gordon, OSA, who told us that, "In the Phoenix Lectures, L. Ron Hubbard says that whatever happens to you happens because you decided it to." What an absolute idiot.

    When my husband finally pushed the B of I to a done it was found that my husband was a Potential Trouble Source because accidents occur around one who is a Potential Trouble Source. Guess who was on the Board, yep, Michael Gordon. I repeat, what an idiot. However this here is where it lays: Michael Gordon was fed these lines. Of that I have no doubts. I remember when he was only new...

    After nicely introverting my husband, I then took over. I questioned it. I wrote to a few terminals and was then told to speak with the L.R.H. Comm as he was ultimately pointed out to be my terminal. What a fabulous solution, the guy got scared seeing his own reflection. How was he going to get anywhere? I wrote to ED International, Guillame Leserve (sp). He told me to read Responsibility. If I wanted to be an emotionless dead robot there's some technology that would do it.

    Nonetheless I went into apathy. Surprised? I'm sure you're not. Remember there is always overt/motivator tech to throw you off as well as the PTS tech and so much more. How can you, without undying conviction, follow this route of justice when it was taught to you that it was probably your own fault.

    An aside: The church is a great source of introverting tech. In this, they are no better than the industries they attack. Tone scale, KSW 1, Dianetics, the list goes on. It's just labelling and boxing. Any "technology" that does this is destructive.

    Not accepting liability for their own mistakes is where the church will come undone. Hiding criminal activities, as has been shown to be the case on Mate's thread, from the police is not only harboring a criminal, but doesn't make the church a safe place to be and it will come to it's own demise. Silly, silly people.

    Please do not hold OSA accountable for the deaths of my children they are not. Posters at protests that say this make the protesters look like idiots as it is not the truth. By all means attack the lack of compassion, attack the lack of justice, attack the lies but don't make up lies for sensational reasons. It hurts me and incites unnecessary emotions that do not create causative action.

    I worry for the staff that were looking after Lauren that day. The church never told me what "ethics" they applied to themselves. I hope for their own sakes that they are able to find truth as well.

    Life is not a joy at the moment. I am confronting emotions that I have not experienced before in regards to Lauren's death, I have yet to confront Kirsty's. These are tragic, tragic losses - unfathomable. I have a hole in my heart that nothing fills. How can that be explained with the tech? It can't. It is painfully normal.

    And painfully normal, although hard, is so much better than what I have experienced - I can feel again.

    Love to you all,

    Carolyn Schofield
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2011
  2. Zinjifar

    Zinjifar Silver Meritorious Sponsor

    Welcome aboard Carolyn

    May we be good for each other

  3. Thanks!

    I think we will be.
  4. EP - Ethics Particle

    EP - Ethics Particle Gold Meritorious Patron

    To one of my C/Ss...

    Dear CS,

    This post must have been almost impossible to formulate and submit. I salute you for it, and promise that I, and others, will be there for you as the healing process unfolds.


    Mike (Roy and EP)
  5. Carnaubawax

    Carnaubawax Patron Meritorious

    Hello Carolyn, and welcome. Give yourself lots of time, and you will be OK. The world is full of mostly nice people who have good intentions towards the people they meet. It's not the dark, crazy place that the Church says it is. I really wish you well.
  6. I'll always have a soft spot for an Ethics Particle


    You are an awesome man.

    I know you will.

    Thankyou for your support that you have always given.


  7. You're right.

    You know what Carnaubawax, you are so right. The world is filled with nice people. It is truly amazing and surprising. The church had me believing that it was not the case. Thankyou. :)
  8. Good twin

    Good twin Floater

    Welcome to ESMB Carolyn. Our hearts break with your story.
  9. Panda Termint

    Panda Termint Cabal Of One

    Thank you for having the courage to post this, Carolyn.

    Your point about not sensationalising these tragedies or using them to take cheap shots at CofS is well taken.

    Let us simply continue to hound them for what they actually DID to you and your family, that in itself is crime enough!

    Love, Panda.
  10. Zinjifar

    Zinjifar Silver Meritorious Sponsor

    Let's stop them from doing it to anyone else.
    As soon as possible

  11. HappyGirl

    HappyGirl Gold Meritorious Patron

    Welcome Carolyn! I remember you from your "Holy Crap!" post and was looking forward to hearing from you again. Thank you for posting your heartbreaking story. It couldn't have been easy. I'm glad you have joined us and hope you find comfort and healing here.
  12. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    Thanks for having the courage to post this Carolyn. My mother's heart cannot bear to think of the pain it all caused you and yours. The lack of understanding, empathy and simple compassion is beyond words to describe. :bigcry:

    The truth of stories like yours is what will tip the balance and hopefully prevent others having to endure such events.

    You have friends here for sure, so if the going gets rough, please post or PM ok? You're not alone!
  13. Wisened One

    Wisened One Crusader



    We are here for you.

    Know that.


    :bigcry: :hug: :rose:

    Michelle and Dean.
  14. dchoiceisalwaysrs

    dchoiceisalwaysrs Gold Meritorious Patron


    My eyes shed many tears, but they are not your tears. My heart aches but it is not your ache. May the love you and your children shared be always cherished.

    From deep within my heart, I send you love.
  15. wpc

    wpc New Member


    How brave and strong. For a parent to grieve the loss of a child is beyond comprehension but then to have to deal with all that unbelievable garbage from scientology and deal with being made to "take responsibility" is unfathomable.

    My wish to you now is that you do, say and feel exactly whatever it is you need to, to help you continue to grieve, celebrate, honour and miss your beautiful girls without judgment from others but rather compassion, warmth and understanding.
    A huge amount of love and warm wishes to you and your family

  16. Pixie

    Pixie Crusader

    Wonderful to have you back posting again Carolyn. You are so very brave to have come through what you have in one piece. For sure you have good friends here too. Your story... I'm finding it difficult to respond to be honest. But thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading more of your posts.:hug:
  17. KnightVision

    KnightVision Gold Meritorious Patron

    Hi Carolyn,

    I am so sorry for your loss and upset. Thank you for being courageous enough to share your story with us.

    That is one hell of thing to deal with.

    You have my support and I'm sure the board's.


  18. Power Change

    Power Change Patron Meritorious

    I really don't have the words to describe how I feel after reading your story.

    I do want to say that I am so incredibly sorry for your losses, I just cannot even imagine losing 2 daughters nor can I imagine the depth of loss you must feel.

    I am just another here....that would do anything to help you if that was even possible. I send to you thoughts of healing and only the best in life.

    I am restraining my rage at COS even though I know you say you do not blame the COS. But as soon as I finish this post I may go punch something.

    You are an amazing person for your attitude....absolutely amazing.
  19. Carmel

    Carmel Crusader

    You're a brave soul Caz - and a good one! :thumbsup:

    Love ya for who you are, and for what you're doing for yourself and others. You're moving mountains - and in your position, that's more than admirable. :)

    As you know my heart is with ya Darl!
  20. rich

    rich Silver Meritorious Patron

    Thanks for your courage Carolyn. You inspire me.