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Neo vs The Matrix (My Scientology story)

Discussion in 'Stories From Inside Scientology' started by Neo, Aug 28, 2008.

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  1. Neo

    Neo Silver Meritorious Patron

    I listened to the doctors words and felt like time stood still. It became irrelevant. The world came crashing in to the small amount of space I was able to hold. You can't really prepare for the experience of having your world turn upside down. The more one wants for it to be another way, then the more upside down it will probably turn out when such destabilising news arrives. I know I didn't want, or expect this.

    "Your x-ray results are in. The specialist has made a preliminary analysis and given me his initial results. The x-rays themselves aren't available just yet."

    I was in my doctors room, seated in the middle. I listened as he explained the results of my x-ray from the previous day. It was less than 24 hours since the test. I had been called at work several hours earlier and told I needed to come and see the doctor as soon as possible. I had had a double appointment put aside for me. I had spent those few hours dwelling on what possible bad news may await me. Mine was the mind of an active worrier.

    "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you."

    My world fell apart at that point. Things changed drastically once I heard those words. I didn't know what he was going to tell me, but it couldn't be good. I had been quite ill for the past three months. I had started to cough at work one day. I believe I picked up a bug from another worker. I couldn't shake the cough. Every day, for three months. My throat was hoarse. People were suspecting me of playing for sympathy. Twice during that time I came down with the flu so bad I thought I had pneumonia, or something else serious. Each time I was pumped full of antibiotics, and told to rest for a few days. After the second time one doctor I saw told me to 'get over it' and go back to work.

    After seven weeks of this I eventually convinced my doctor that something was not right. I was not getting better. I couldn't stop coughing. He sent me to get an x-ray.

    "According to the report I have here, you have what looks to be a tumour in your right lung. A fist sized tumour. The specialist believes you may have lymphoma".

    I didn't know what that was, but my doctor explained it to me. I was told that I would need Chemotherapy to treat it. However, these were only preliminary findings, and much testing was still to come.

    I had already had quite a bit of time off from work, and this wasn't about to change. In fact it got worse. I had so many tests done. CAT scans, PET scans, dozens of blood tests, x-rays. I saw a specialist cancer doctor at the Alfred Hospital in Melbourne. He performed a biopsy to determine exactly what we were dealing with. The results from this showed that it was not lymphoma. Good news, and bad news, it seems. No, I had cancer. It would require surgery. The specialist informed me that at best some of my right lung would need to be removed. He couldn't tell how much. I still had more tests to go before the operation could be booked in. At least there wouldn't be Chemotherapy.

    By this stage I knew I had cancer. My boss knew also, but still decided to demote me at work for being a 'part-time production manager'. This statement stung for quite some time.

    Once the specialists knew exactly what they were dealing with they booked me in for an operation. It was to be the next day. I had been bumped to the top of the list.

    The last thing I remember seeing was the bright light of the operating room as the Anesthetist did his job. I was out for over 10 hours. Maybe more, I no longer remember. Amongst all the grogginess there is one thing I do recall. Being told they had to remove all of my right lung. The morphine took the edge of the bad news.

    This was the beginning of my Scientology experience, because this is what put me in the frame of mind where I felt I needed what Scientology was offering. I had encountered Scientology several years earlier. I was at a 'Mind Body Spirit' festival. I think I was hoping that something would just jump out at me that would answer all the uncertainties I felt about life. Nothing did. I looked into the eyes of all the people around me and felt that they were no more certain of life and its many variables as I was. The only difference being that many of them were making a living from the charade. Good for them, I guess.

    It was at this particular festival (more of a sales convention for things New Age) in Melbourne that I first encountered Scientology. As I walked past a stall someone asked me if I wanted to learn more about the mind. Sure, why not, I thought. Mine is quite fucked up, and in need of fine tuning, perhaps they can help. He sat me down and showed me a picture book explaining 'how the mind works'. "Is he for real?" I thought as he showed me a picture of someone thinking of a cat. "I'm not in kindergarten anymore." I got up part way through his explanation and walked away.

    That would have been at least five years earlier. I had thought very little about Scientology since then. On occasion I would see media reports and think only that it was started by a science fiction writer. This said it all to me.

    (to be continued)

  2. Vinaire

    Vinaire Sponsor

    Nice start! I am looking forward to reading your story. Mine also started somewhat in a similar manner. In my case I was convinced that I had only two more years to live. That was in 1969.

    Last edited: Aug 28, 2008
  3. WrongPlaceRightTime

    WrongPlaceRightTime Patron Meritorious

    Great to hear from you, Neo. I am intruiged.
  4. Neo

    Neo Silver Meritorious Patron

    Part 2

    After I got out of hospital, I was out of action for quite some time. I was doped up quite a lot on pain killers prescribed to me by the hospital. Within two weeks of leaving I noticed my liver felt like a solid brick. I would just lie on the couch for most of the day, holding my right side. I was taking the painkillers as told to, but started to question whether I even needed them. I thought I did. But my liver was telling me to stop. I weened myself off them over the next two weeks. This was an indication of my mental strength. To me this whole episode had been more of a speed hump on the road of life. It almost totaled my car, but I had just gotten it back from the mechanics, and felt like getting back out on the road again.

    I had no idea what the future held for me. I was off work. I wouldn't be going back for some time. I didn't really want to go back. I could get welfare, and retrain for something else.

    During this period of indecision and uncertainty, I visited my local library, and noticed a copy of 'LRH - A Profile'. I was aware at that point that I knew many negatives about the man, but I didn't really know the whole story. I decided to read the book. It quite literally changed my life. But this is because I was working on the assumption that what was contained within it was based on factual information. This incident was probably basic on my chain of "the lies of LRH, and the Church of Scientology". I was extremely impressed about all that LRH had managed to achieve in his life. It actually reinvigorated me, as I felt it confirmed what I had long felt about us all, and our lives - that is we could achieve so much, if we knew how, and really tried.

    I spent six weeks in early 2003 receiving Radiotherapy. Physically I was doing well, considering. I lived about a half hour walk from the hospital. Everyday for six weeks I walked to the hospital for the treatment, and then walked home again. The Radiotherapy treatment involved my lying on a flat bed (connected to a machine), which had a very large device that went out from the side of it, and over the top of me. Shaped like a question mark. For me, it was isolated to point radiation onto my chest. The operation took all of my lung, but some cancer was still in an area they couldn't remove, as it would have meant I could no longer breathe. This would have presented a new set of problems!. So they used the Radiotherapy to zap the remainder of the cancer. The procedure took about ten minutes each time. Nothing painful to it, except what one mocks up from the fear of so much unknown about the whole experience. It doesn't take too long before one finds themselves going through the routine of it all.

    What I noticed the most from the procedure was how it affected my stamina. It got to a point near the end of the six week treatment that I felt like I had come down with chronic fatigue syndrome. I have never had this, so I am only guessing as to what symptoms it actually does present. I was still walking to and from the hospital, albeit much slower. However. my days lasted for about six to eight hours. I slept the rest of the time. This state lasted about six weeks, and I felt it slowly lift again. Eventually, physically, I felt somewhat normal again. If someone with one lung can be considered normal.

    It was over the next six months that things took a considerable turn for the worst. Physically I was doing really well. The system had looked after me, and provided for me. But there was no emotional or mental help. Perhaps I shunned it. I actually just don't recall whether I was offered counseling. I don't know if I would have been ready for it anyway. My religious upbringing left me with a similar view of non-religious counselors as Scientologists feel about Psychiatrists and Psychologists. I didn't consider them the evil of the world. I just didn't think they could help me, therefore I didn't look in that direction. So who knows, maybe the help was there and I rejected it. One way or another, it lead to me seeking the assistance of Scientology.

    (to be continued)

  5. Kathy (ImOut)

    Kathy (ImOut) Gold Meritorious Patron


    Great story. Waiting for more of it.

    In the first part about the doctor telling you to "get over it", just pisses me off. If the doctors had given you better tests when the cough started, the tumor may not had gotten so big. And you may not have had to loose all of your lung. Just my rant about doctors.
  6. Neo

    Neo Silver Meritorious Patron

    I understand, and concur. And there is worse to come on that issue. But I wont spoil it just yet!

    I've taken a while to tell my story. But now's as good a time as ever. So thanks to everyone who has read it. I'll try to make it as 'entertaining' as possible :)

  7. Div6

    Div6 Crusader

  8. Kathy (ImOut)

    Kathy (ImOut) Gold Meritorious Patron

    I don't need "entertaining". I just like to read other peoples stories. I'm a curious person. (Some call it nosy.) LOL!!!

    The doctors saw a lump on my dad's chest Xray in April. They didn't get it figured out until September what it was. By then they gave him 9 - 18 months to live. He lived 9 more months. To this day I wonder if they'd done an biopsy in May if he would still be alive. I hate doctors. They are good for setting bones and putting in stitches. And if a piece of metal or wood is ever imbedded in my body, I'll let them take it out. Other than that, I have no need for them.
  9. Neo

    Neo Silver Meritorious Patron

    "Now what do I do?" These were the first words I spoke to the receptionist when I entered the Melbourne Church of Scientology. I had just entered the building, and was met with a strange look of uncertainty. It took me back a little.

    I had bought my own copy of Dianetics only a few days earlier. It was in the cheap section at my local bookshop. I was broke, but still trying to work out what had happened to me. I felt like my mind was a mess, and here was a book that explained how the mind worked. And having read the LRH Profile only months prior, I felt like this was 'meant to be'. So I bought the book and started reading it immediately. I got about a third of the way through it and was convinced that I had to have Dianetics auditing. I looked in the book for the address to the nearest place to me it was available. I walked to the train station and went into the city.

    I hadn't thought through any more than that. I didn't know about Scientology, or how it related to Dianetics. I didn't know about the free personality tests. All I knew is that I wanted Dianetics auditing to get rid of my Reactive Mind.

    It turns out that people don't body-route themselves into Scientology Orgs all that often, which probably explained the perplexed look I had just received.

    My personality test showed that I was depressed. Dianetics can help me with that. Well, thats good I thought, as that is what I came here for. I was sold a few booklets from the Handbook, as well as the Dianetics Seminar Course. I was excited, as I was convinced my Reactive Mind would be handled for good. I didn't know I had a Reactive Mind until I read Dianetics, but that was neither here nor there. I could finally get rid of it. It was what had been causing me so many problems over the years. It felt good to finally have the reason why.

    I had been in such a confused frame of mind since the cancer, and was so uncertain as to what the future held, that I was perfect fodder for Scientology. I knew nothing about them. I was trusting. I didn't feel the need to go researching them. And I felt like there was something wrong with me, and they offered me a solution. It felt like it was in my interests to accept their help. So I did.

    I started on my Dianetics Seminar Course, and received my first session within three days. It worked on me like they said it would. I felt the experience that I went back to. The emotions were real to me. I understood the concept of reliving as opposed to just remembering what had happened. And I wanted to get results. However, my life did not change as a result of the experience. But it seemed to have worked. All I would have to do is keep getting auditing until my Reactive Mind was gone. Logical, really!

    (to be continued)

  10. Neo

    Neo Silver Meritorious Patron

    My experience with both doctors, and Scientology, has taught me to educate oneself as much as possible. There are some things that one needs doctors for. But second, and even third opinions are useful. In my case, the doctors made the assumption that because i was so young (29 at that stage) fit and healthy, then there was nothing wrong with me. I had to plead with them to do something in the end. If I had my time over things would be different, for sure. But that's the way it turned out.

  11. Neo

    Neo Silver Meritorious Patron

    Part 4

    On my third day in the org, as I was leaving, someone came up to me and handed me a survey. It asked some simple questions about what I thought about certain issues, and ended with a question about interest in staff. I had been unemployed for almost a year at that stage, so the thought of employment was intriguing. They made an appointment to see me about this issue the next time I was in.

    That meeting was my introduction to Scientology 'hard sell'. I hated it. I was in that interview for about two hours. There were two young females telling me about how wonderful being on staff was. It sounded interesting, but they weren't really selling it too me. The problem I had was money. I couldn't work for so little. But the 'fact' that the wages side of things would pick up soon because we would be going Saint Hill size very soon meant that perhaps there really would be no money problem after all. I was gullible. But I trusted what they were telling me, because this was a church. Like I said, I didn't really know anything about Scientology.

    None of the positions they offered interested me. Then they finally worked out that I wanted to work with computers, so in their wisdom they offer me the position of 'Telex operator'. LOL. All I knew at this stage is that it involved working with a computer, so I was interested. What I didn't know was that it was a ten year old fossil of a computer.

    I eventually signed up, and started on staff as Telex I/C. Before I had finished as an expediter I had been promoted to HCO Cope Officer.

    I had always been very good at study, so I flew through the Staff Statuses. However, I hated Scientology study. The concept of word clearing, spot checks, and check outs actually put a fear of study into me. By the time I was done with my Staff Statuses, I didn't complete any more staff courses. I did what ever I could to stay off study. It was too painful to consider.

    I did do some small training courses. The stand out to me was Success Through Communications course. It helped me a lot. It didn't change my life, but I didn't expect it to. But then I hadn't gone into Scientology to learn about Communication. I had been a painfully shy child. I struggled with communications in that sense. But by this stage of my life I wasn't really plagued by a fear of communications. Learning the mechanics of it interested me, for sure. For me, life had taught me the ability to communicate through trial and error. I was convinced, as a child, that my opinions and thoughts were of little value to others, and eventually came to believe that they were of little value to me either. From this I developed into what is generally thought of as a shy child. Its really just a fear of being invalidated. There is only so much invalidation one can take. I eventually outgrew the severity of this condition. But the underlying idea that my own opinions were of little value took some time to correct.

    I had busied myself over the years in the study of different religions and ideas about life. I wanted to know what others thought. It mattered to me what concepts others had come up with. I studied Buddhism and Taoism mostly. I skirted with A Course In Miracles, and Rosicrucianism. I was a dabbler, and enjoyed the freedom of being able to move around. It did bother me, however, that I hadn't been completely able to draw the full meanings and abilities from these teachings as I thought they possessed. I seemed to lack the discipline required to do a full and in depth study of them. Or so I thought at the time.

    I believe that it was this underlying frustration, in part at least, that also helped me 'fall' for what Scientology was offering. It had a somewhat complete package. Study technology. A group dynamic. Ethical standards. Auditing. And a Bridge to Total Freedom. I remember when I was first shown the Bridge. I was amazed. I was thinking in terms of 'enlightenment' at that stage in my life. This was what I was searching for. I don't recall what I actually believed that state represented anymore. But it was what I was looking for. And when I had the OT stages explained to me, I was able to transcribe them to fit my own meaning. OT = enlightenment. Finally, this is what I have been looking for.

    (to be continued)

  12. Neo

    Neo Silver Meritorious Patron

    Part 5

    It has intrigued me greatly how Scientology managed to convince me to sign up. I have explained some of my thought processes and state of mind, which probably does put things into perspective. However, I still get somewhat taken aback by their ability to make me agree to behave in a way that went so much against what I held to be true. You see, I did not have time for "organised religion". I was not interested in it. I did not like pushy sales people.

    However, at that stage of my life, I was freaked out by the thought of dying. I was just as freaked out by the thought of living with no purpose. The Church of Scientology did seem to solve a lot of these dilemmas for me. Not convincingly, but given my state of mind, that wasn't really necessary. Scientologists didn't really sell Scientology to me. Their behaviour didn't stand out as being unique. They did seem to be, generally, good people. But I had known many people like them over the years. Religious, and non-religious. They did seem committed to their cause. And that commitment did get my attention. But the materials of LRH is what held my attention. And I was still operating under the false notion that he was one of life's most able beings. And the only real 'win' I had received up to this point was to have a sense of certainty returned to me. This was important, but didn't really deserve the devotion they were starting to get from me.

    I think it was the combination of many things coming together at the same time that lead to me getting involved in Scientology. There were many times along the way when I felt like it was something to move on from. But still I didn't. In part, I wanted it to be the answer to my confusions. I believed that if it wasn't, then no harm, just walk away. Yeh right. I read KSW 1 early on, and it spelt out quite clearly how if someone was in, they were in for life like the rest of us. Still, I thought, it doesn't really mean that, surely. But then perhaps it does, but should I really be concerned, because if it does work then I'm not going anywhere. I'm here to become enlightened. I mean go OT. I'm a Scientologist now, must speak like one too.

    I learnt the new language of Scientology, but still didn't see how this was problematic. Its introduction into my life and thinking was subtle and built up over time. Its amazing just how much it does create a sense of separateness and isolation. Others understood me less and less, but Scientologists got me. Reinforce the trap. One nail at a time. I certainly fell for it.

    I became distant from my friends. They weren't Scientologists, and I didn't really want to convert them, nor did I think they would. I wanted to go Clear, and when I was there this state alone would convince my friends of the benefits of Scientology. I actually believed this at one stage. But I also didn't want to lose my friends. Until I started to learn PTS/SP tech.

    I was PTS. Quite clearly. I had just had cancer. LRH said that ALL sickness and illnesses, and all mistakes and foul ups stem only from a PTS condition. This was one of the first stable datums pushed my way. One couldn't question it. I did try. More word clearing. And I hated word clearing. Perhaps I should just agree, and get on with things. Problem for me was that there was no SP in my life. I almost became convinced that there was one, and of who it was. But that was me trying to blame another for my personal issues. And Scientology actually allowed me to start to write this person off. But I actually didn't want to. I needed this person in my life. It became 'good roads good weather' or something like that.

    I had joined staff in September of 2003. By December I was HCO Cope Officer. Interesting job. A lot of useless and wasteful paperwork. I remember the first time I was told to do a compliance report. I had no idea what it was. I got quite irate at my senior about the stupidity of spending time gathering evidence of having done a job, rather than just doing the job. It indicated to me something about managements lack of trust, more than it being a superior form of management. But still I did not allow myself to see that it was a fucked up idea because it was part of a fucked up system. It became one more stupidity to avoid, whilst looking like one wasn't avoiding it (such as study and call in).

    (to be continued)

  13. asagai

    asagai Patron Meritorious

    Neo, I had no idea about this - I thought you were a young, newly-out ex and therefore assumed healthy. Your story is not "entertainment" to me. I hope you are ok now. Blessings!
  14. Iknowtoomuch

    Iknowtoomuch Gold Meritorious Patron

    Thanks for sharing what you have so far.
    The way studying is really doesn't make sense considering Ron says you might need to look up a word several times before you fully get it. Star rates always bothered me.
    Scientology is just so very attractive from the outside.:duh:
    I wish you all the best and look forward to the rest of your story.
  15. Tanstaafl

    Tanstaafl Crusader

    It's a page-turner Neo. :thumbsup:

    And thanks for putting it up in bite-size chunks. :)
  16. Anne Ominous

    Anne Ominous Patron with Honors

    /srs popcorn
  17. Neo

    Neo Silver Meritorious Patron

    Perhaps "entertainment" was the wrong word :duh: But I will try to make it as "readable" as possible.

    I am ok now, thanks - this story does have a happy ending :yes:

    Just gets a bit gloomy up until that point.

    I thought it would be good to get my story out, especially as it may help from many perspectives, but particularly those others who may also have been Class V Org staff. The first line of contact most people have with Scientology is either Class V Orgs or Missions. And there is so much PR about Scientology, and what goes on inside Scientology that I thought I would just explain the truth, as it happened to me. Most of us here know what goes on, but not everyone lurking.

    There are reasons why one gets involved in Scientology. Those reasons are valid, but exploitable.

  18. asagai

    asagai Patron Meritorious

    Good lad! :clap:
  19. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    I love your story Neo. It is what happens, and probably on a much larger scale than the Sea Org stories. There are many Class V staff and public who will identify with you.
    More...more! :thumbsup:
  20. Panda Termint

    Panda Termint Cabal Of One

    Yes, mate, keep it coming...