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Discussion in 'New Member Introductions' started by small steps, Feb 14, 2009.

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  1. small steps

    small steps Patron with Honors

    Hi all,

    I'm just officially introducing myself here. For all you story lovers here I will get there but its not at all very exciting. my story is much like many others. I'm not that well versed with computers and forums so if i do something please tell me!

    I've been away from the church/cult/blood-sucking bastards for several years and thought that was it. all over. done! I could deal with the calls for events and the mail blah blah because I figured that I can say no. (ain't that just the thing when you first realise you can do it!). but here's the thing.... I'm not free!! not at all! I've just really strated to look at all the information thats out there. And thats the first thing I've realised, that I WASN'T looking!!!! you're not allowed right! its entheta! god, IDIOT! there is so much that still dictates my everyday life! DUMB DUMB DUMB! In the last few days I've cried, shouted, laughed and everything in between! I thought it was just me!!!

    First hard thing to get over for me is this: a lot of you guys on here seem to be ex SO or staff and also are clear/OT etc.. When you were in, you would have though me "downstat". !!! I never had good credit when i first got in and so was unable to borrow vast sums of money! over the ten years or so that i was officially "in" they took me for about 10 grand. Peanuts compared to some! but you know what, its not about the money. it never was for me. I had shitty injustices. I lost a wife and three kids to staff. at 35 I feel like i lost ALL of the important parts of growing up and learning how to with the world. at 19 i thought scientology was the answer. but there was no answer. only control and lots of putting me down! cant believe i styed as long as i did!!! not only could i apparently not make it in the outside world, but i couldn't make it go right (argh! cant stop talking the talk!) to get up the bridge either! useless me. downstat. scumbag. truth is i'm a working musician. there are only so many gigs you can do in a week!!! the money is not that great. (ok, any of you ex reg's wanna start pointing out my justifications yet? lol).

    I'm trying to keep this light but the truth is i feel like i've completely unravelled. The reason i've decided to start posting is this: you dont actually have to have done a great of anything much in scientology for it to STILL WARP YOUR LIFE!!! i was around a LOT! just being around it is enough. I will tell my story. but please understand i am wary and not a little bit worried about reprocutions. please be nice, lol, this might take a little time.
  2. EP - Ethics Particle

    EP - Ethics Particle Gold Meritorious Patron

    The Journey starts with small steps...

    Dear "ss" - I fully duplicate that you are wary and nervous and somewhat fearful that the "church" will come back at you in reprisal for speaking out.

    This is mostly not true, but rather part of the constant indroctrination you both are subjected to and which you subject yourself to! :nervous: :omg: :yes:

    The way out is the way through - and you are pretty much there now. :thumbsup:

    F'*** 'em if they can't take a joke! :grouch: Relax, keep lookin', communicating and living life - you'll be fine. :yes:

    Mike, the EP's EP
  3. Carmel

    Carmel Crusader

    Hey small steps,

    Small steps are good, and all fine by us, but you've taken some big one's here already with the start you've made - good on you. :thumbsup:

    Most of us understand the turmoil you are going through right now - it's not easy. Anyone who was 'in' hasn't escaped pain - you have obviously had a lot to contend with. Downloading it all, certainly helps - and you are among friends here.

    Glad you've come to ESMB - looking forward to getting to know you, and seeing you full of smiles not too far down the track. :)

  4. scooter

    scooter Gold Meritorious Patron

    :welcome: small steps.

    Yep it's a bit like that when you first start to look - I've been there and done that.

    But it gets BETTER from there on - life gets fun again :D

    Tell us your story when you're ready - I'll be waiting :drama:
  5. Tiger Lily

    Tiger Lily Gold Meritorious Patron

    Hi Small Steps; Welcome! :welcome:

    I was just nodding my head at everything you wrote. I wanted to quote every sentence with a big "Yes, I know!", after it. From not really feeling free, to not being able to let go of the lingo, to the realization that Scientology messes with your head and your life at all levels of involvement.

    I've only been here for a few weeks, but just reading people's stories and interacting with people who can talk about it and who understand has been tremendously therapeutic.

    I too am wary of repercussions, I have a new life with family and reputation to protect. But I'm starting to relax on that a little and not feel so fearful. It's becoming clear how deep the "brainwashing" was, and how it still sometimes runs my life without me realizing it (as you mentioned). But it's nice because on this board you can work through it at your own pace.

    Glad you are here :)
  6. Megalomaniac

    Megalomaniac Silver Meritorious Patron

    Hi Steps,

    I tried SOOO hard, but never made it very far up the Bridge to Trademarked Freedom either. But I spent many hours sitting in front of a registrar or Ethics Officer or in an event with the subliminal (or overt) message being rammed at me that I have not contributed enough, I am only hesitating because of my reactive mind, I am out-ethics, I am "PTS", I am inferior. And then, if I complied, I'd be praised. But often, that would be a brief praise, followed by some further urgent request. If I finally dragged myself away, I'd get, at best, a half-hearted acknowledgement that I can do what I want. I am now realizing that all this is a major mind-bender.

  7. small steps

    small steps Patron with Honors

    Thaks for the welcome guys!!!

    Now I've finally "communicated" on here, it's amazing that there are responses from people with same "reality"! I find myself wanting to meet people in the real world and..........! OMG! ARC! this is the problem right here! Do I imagine that some things i learned are useful to some degree? there is a long way to go here i can see!

    ok, here goes (I actually feel quite sick at the moment!)

    I was nineteen and had not long been returned home from a college course that i failed to complete. I was sleeping around, doing drugs (limited use) and drinking. relationships sucked. i had no money. and was embarking on a carear as a musician. life was crap. I was REALLY in my ruin(s). I had a really good friend who had been raised as a scientologist although was not on lines in any way. we used to have many disussions about life, the universe, and all that and one time he mentioned scientoloy to me. He wasn't disseminating in any way, it just came up. I virtually DEMANDED that he tell me about it! He was reluctant but pointed me to the nearest org to find out more (ldn). I wont bore with what happened in detail you all know the drill. personality test. ruin pointed out. ups and downs. blah blah blah. I did ups and downs and just blew my socks off!!!!! my life is shit butits not MY fault!! its the naughty sp's!! (funny how that changes to EVERYTHING being your fault later on!). ok, so I'm "keyed out" and buzzing my little socks off as i "float" down the stairs after attesting on completion of the course and as i walk into the foyer i am introduced to a singer in a well known band (if anyone wants to take a guess at who the band is then just think events, buses, and yellow!). i thought how wonderful this was! I've made a friend o two and now i'm being introduced to more! wow! we exchanged numbers and i went on my way WINNING!. less than two weeks later i got a call from the singer asking me if i wanted to tour europe with his band for six weeks! this was brilliant! i did and spent the six weeks wth five other scientologist having fun and playing good music in the hieght of summer around europe! paris, switzerland etc. lovely. these guys are now SO (another clue) but at the time they hadn't arrived on the epf yet and were doing thier prepare for that. While on tour i did stcc in switzerland and had LOTS of fun doing it! the problem is that monty python is just funny, period! lol. anyhow, at this point all is fun. everybody is nice and friendly. and i feel great! all those looking at this for information about scientology this is IMPORTANT! at the beginning it IS fun! you learn new things and meet friendly, happy people!!! ok, gotta end it there till later, gotta go work so i can carry on paying off my bank debts! (there you go, the beginning AND the end of scientology involvement all rolled into one! lol). i'll add more later. :)
  8. Tiger Lily

    Tiger Lily Gold Meritorious Patron

    Thanks SS. I'm enjoying your story so far; I hear you -- once you have a great win like that and get to hang with like-minded people you're hooked. It sounds like you had a great thing there -- would have loved touring Europe at age 19 (or even now!).

    Looking forward to the next installment
  9. Voltaire's Child

    Voltaire's Child Fool on the Hill

    Of course anyone who's been in CofS regardless of how much training and auditing they had would have something to contribute. I've always thought that and that's why I've always disagreed with those who've said otherwise. Someone who was in the SO or who was a Class VIII or who had taken a few courses and maybe done some volunterr stuff- all of those individuals would have something to contribute to any message board dealing with Scn, particularly this board.
  10. Div6

    Div6 Crusader

    Welcome Small Steps.

    You've taken the big first step in breaking the are LOOKING for yourself. Very Well Done. You will find that the "itsa" (things to communicate) will start to peel off in layers, so don't try to force it. Just keep looking.

    The "Church of Scientology" as it is currently constituted is a mutual out-ruds denial club. The amount of effort they put in to maintaining that denial is astounding. A lot of companies do it, and call it "corporate culture".

    We will be witnessing a lot of corporate cultures reacting to the results of their ingrained denial here in the future, as the current matrix dissolves.

    Its good to see you posting.
  11. EP - Ethics Particle

    EP - Ethics Particle Gold Meritorious Patron

    A way to look at experience/life/processes (same thing)...

    Nor did I get so far either - but I had many and varied experiences therein! :yes: Such a mixed bag! :melodramatic:

    But here's the deal - it was and is LIFE - and LIFE is the real process that you run to get out! :nervous: :omg: Think of it that way...Exterior? For sure! :coolwink: With full perception? :confused2: Well, one can hope. :p :whistling: Able to "operate"? Possibly. :unsure:

    Look on the brite side yawl (you all) - the universe is expanding and we are communicating. :happydance:

    Love the EPs, how about you? :eyeroll:
  12. Iknowtoomuch

    Iknowtoomuch Gold Meritorious Patron

    Welcome to ESMB!!

    Looking forward to more of your story.
  13. WrongPlaceRightTime

    WrongPlaceRightTime Patron Meritorious

    Hi and welcome

    hi small steps

    Im glad you are here and getting clear on some curious past experiences.

    There are many elements of Scientology that are fantastic and you don't have to feel wrong about incorporating these ideas into your life because you can be certain that most of the ideas already existed before L Ron ever began to dictate!

    The man was a fraud. Back in those days you didn't have the internet and most knowledge was obtained in college and a lot of Eastern philosophy wasn't as widely available then as it is now so there is no need to feel like you were a fool because you were attracted to such neatly packaged and presented common sense.

    I am curious to learn how you got out of Scientology. What made you "wake up"?

    best wishes to you!
  14. Rae

    Rae Patron with Honors

    Jive Aces!

    Hi there small steps! Welcome to the board..wonderful to have you here. And I'm totally impressed that you toured with the Jive Aces! I can imagine that that was a total blast. :thumbsup:

    I happen to have made it up the entire bridge...and I'm happy to hear that you saved yourself the bother. It's taking me a long long time to unravel the mind screw..and I'm still doing it. We've all gone through this. You've taken a big big step:clap: ...keep going. We're here for you!

  15. GreyLensman

    GreyLensman Silver Meritorious Patron

    Welcome. "Working musician" is outstanding. Not a down stat at all. Considering how hard that is to do, and how much has to be overcome to make it happen, that is an up statistic in itself.

    I know what you mean about the lost time, the lost youth - but I'll bet you also learned a lot you can apply NOW, to a real life, one without the constant pressure to come up with an unaffordable (that's right - unaffordable - how many people can you clear and get OT at $300,000 to 800,000 a piece?) "bridge". Life continues, you go on, at least you didn't spend years abandoning your music to get a desk job and force yourself to conform for 15 years.

    Again, welcome.
  16. Operating DB

    Operating DB Truman Show Dropout

    Hey small steps. Makes me think of John Coltranes Giant Steps. :)

    I think we all know where you're coming from. I'm positive things will get better and better for you the more you read about our insights and revelations since escaping the cult. I thought I became thoroughly unraveled after getting the real truths when I left in 1986. It's been one year since I discovered all these wonderful websites starting with Operation Clambake and lermanet. Now I seem to spend most of my truth-seeking here on ESMB. Even though I thought I was completely unbrainwashed in 1986 I'm still to this day discovering and letting go of little trains of thoughts and ideas that were implanted while in the cult (for nine years). I'm wondering if I'll ever become fully cleared of the cults implants! So keep on plugging. There are billions of wins to be had!!!:thumbsup:
  17. Lohan2008

    Lohan2008 Gold Meritorious Patron

    small steps

    small steps let you know it took me 3 yrs to "deal" with my cult experience; feel free to cruise the EXSCN board and find stories that you can relate to.Take your time, accept your anger/ frustration/ disappointment/ shame/ etc; it is a process... it takes time to get the 'cult personality' out of your things for yourself like walk in the park, have a good meal, read a book, go to a movie ALL the good stuff the CULT took from you. Be yourself.

    welcome to the group.
  18. Tim Skog

    Tim Skog Silver Meritorious Patron

    Welcome Small Steps. Be patient. It takes time.
  19. small steps

    small steps Patron with Honors


    Thank you thank you and thank you again! I don't know what to say. I am overwhelmed by the responses so far. I wish i could work out how to do quote thingy so i could pick out the bits i want to comment on! i'll get there eventually. If anybody is watching this thread from the church then it wont be difficult to work out who i am from the aces connection but whatever! bring it on!:angry: i want to carry on getting this all out but i need to find out a couple of things first. who do we know for SURE isn't a troll? i need to sk some questions that i would rather not put up for general viewing. (no offence is intended to any of you guys but on one particular issue i dont want to take any chances!!!).

    to answer some of the points on here so far:

    yes! working with the jives for a couple of years was a total blast! on some levels, not on others! I love the guys and despair on the situation they are in. they are stars, and treated like stars! a big part of their great showmanship is the level of confidence that they have about what they do. how the hell do you counteract that? it sucks.

    how did i wake up and get out? well that will become apparent as i go on with my story - there is only so much injustice you can take! i will say this though, and i would def be interested in the opinion of others here, i think i always "knew" something wasn't right. sounds stupid i know now it seems so obvious but when you're in.... well you all know!

    still using things from the tech and also the language: god, thats such a hard one! i mean really, how many of you can honestly say you've NEVER been grateful for all the tr training at some point since you got out? using 8c to handle drunk pests on gigs has been a thing for me! and also, seriously, can someone give me another way of saying dev-t! lol!

    i understand totally that this will take some time. as was said, one layer at a time needs to come off. I do feel that i have come away with some insights (i think! lol) but how can i know, really know what is me and what is them!!!

    ok, i'm gonna look back and check where i got up to in my story and then continue!

    again, thank you! the crying is good! lol
  20. Dulloldfart

    Dulloldfart Squirrel Extraordinaire

    No-one here has ever accused me of being a troll, that I recall. I'm a Brit, was in the SO at SH from 1972 to 1986 before moving to the SO in LA. I use my own name and have various squirrelly websites and videos, like at :)

    To quote just hit the quote button at the right of the post you want to quote from.