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Thoughts on how I was treated while involved

Discussion in 'Stories From Inside Scientology' started by sabrina, Aug 25, 2008.

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  1. sabrina

    sabrina Patron

    Hi, my name is Sabrina, I am a second generation ex Scientologist and was apart of the Sea Org from an early age.

    I have been trying to understand my experiences within Scientology and wanted to share them with you.

    I have been having all sorts of medical, emotional and psychological problems since I left Scientology, actually most of them formed while I was still involved, but just haven't gotten any better since I left.

    You may know my story, but I'll just give a brief recap in case some missed it.I was born to a Scientology family, raised at the Scientology Cadet School in Clearwater, Fl, a boarding school for Sea Org children. I joined the Sea Org when I was 14, I worked 50+ hours a week by the age of 15, most of the work I did was clerical. In exchange for my work I was given room and board. Like most staff I was not allowed to socialize with anyone outside of staff. By the time I was 15 my dad was kicked out (declared) of Scientology for doing something illegal. I was told I could no longer talk to him or have any form of communication to or from him, I was not given a choice in the matter, he was a dreaded SP and I thought he was a bad person because he was kicked out of Scientology. Really I didn't know any better, and was raised by Scientology staff since I was 4 to believe that anyone kicked out of Scientology was bad and evil, so I thought he was. I stayed on staff and when I was 16 my mom died of cancer, I was not given much info on why she was soo sick and at home most of the day, I knew she had cancer, but not how bad it was. She died about a year after starting treatment and again I was not given a choice to stay or leave Scientology, it was assumed I would stay and was turned over to guardians within the church. To me that was comfortable because I never knew anyone outside of the church. When I was 16 I met my future husband and we married when I was 17. Things got pretty rocky and he was sent to the RPF for blowing, from there he routed off staff and I was not informed of his departure until he had already boarded a plane to California. I was told that going with him was not the greatest good, but staying on staff was a higher purpose I should fulfill. I agreed, but my heart told me otherwise, I tried to call him when I took a leave of absence because I was still deeply in love with him, he didn't know what to do because I was still in and his parents were also Scientologists, so he didn't know what to say when I called. I desperately wanted out but just didn't know how to, or where I would live. Most my life I told my relatives Scientology was great and never made me do anything I didn't want to, but that clearly was not the case, I just never had a reason to disagree until now, and it was a pretty good reason "Love". Anyways I went back to Florida and told Scientology I wanted to leave. All I can say about that time period was that it was torture, mentally and physically. They tried to scare me into thinking I was insane for wanting to leave, that people who left were insane and would probably kill themselves. For whatever reason I believed what they told me and I started to have mental breakdowns. Eventually I got out, but not until I was 20. I left with not High School diploma, no understanding of the real world, no friends, no family, and quite insane, or so at least I thought.

    Anyways that's sort of my streamlined story. Some things I noticed while I was involved is that I was never one to protest or do bad things, I was a follower, did what I was told, never really wanted power, I was just doing what I thought was right because I didn't know any better. Than when I decided to leave I already knew the consequences, I already accepted that I was less than these other individuals, and my mental breakdown began. But on top of that they chose to treat me like a criminal, I was followed by security staff, I was questioned on the e-meter about contacting my dad after I left. They put me in such a state of fear that I'm sure that is the reason for most of my current mental and physical problems. I was terrified for years after I left and not until recently have I started to see that I was not wrong for wanting to be with someone I loved, maybe I was wrong for not having a strong personality and fighting back when they decided to treat me like shit, but I never had a reason to think that would happen. So I've come to the conclusion that because I didn't have a fighting personality, they felt they could tear me down, it's like seeing a maimed bull and hitting it when it's already down, it's what cowards do. Anyways just a little more insight into my experiences.

    Wish everyone well!!
  2. Wisened One

    Wisened One Crusader

    :hug: sabrina! Glad to see you back here!

    I know it's tough to distance oneself and find your own self again..

    But you are doing it!

    Like we ALL are here at ESMB, ESK, OCMB, etc.....
  3. gomorrhan

    gomorrhan Gold Meritorious Patron

    Thanks for your story. I, for one, wish you a speedy recovery from the things that ail you. I recommend getting in touch with your father, and having whatever kind of relationship you can have with him. I also recommend finding something you really enjoy doing, and doing it, whenever you aren't working (even better if your work IS that thing). This is great for your mental well-being, and will give you some other "stable datum" other than the Church or the subject of Scientology. I'm talking about something challenging, interesting, and done by lots of other enthusiasts, so that you have a community to be part of. One of the big losses leaving the Church is the community that you thought you were part of.

    I think you'll be alright if you follow what you think is right, challenge your beliefs, and explore your interests.
  4. MarkWI

    MarkWI Patron Meritorious

    Welcome back!
    :hug: :party:
  5. byte301

    byte301 Crusader

    Hi and welcome Sabrina!

    You are stronger then you think, girl. You survived the Sea Org!!

    I'm so sorry about everything that's happened to you. Keep posting your story here. It really does help you and it helps others who have gone through things similar to yours.

    Be good to yourself above all.
  6. Pixie

    Pixie Crusader

    Welcome to ESMB Sabrina! :welcome2: You are a very very strong and brave person to come through what you have come through. I wish you every good wish there is in your recovery, we are all here to help and to share. :thumbsup:
  7. nexus100

    nexus100 Gold Meritorious Patron

    Thank you for your story. You're loved here, hon!
  8. Mary

    Mary Patron with Honors

    Sabrina, please know that you have friends here who can understand something of what you went through.

    Pixie is correct, you are a very strong and brave person to come through.

    Telling the story can help others in their recovery from similar events. Also, even if just one person, who is thinking of joining $cn reads your posts and is spared all the truama and abuse that goes on the Sea Org then you've done them an enormous favour.
  9. Kathy (ImOut)

    Kathy (ImOut) Gold Meritorious Patron

    Welcome, Sabrina.

    Are you still with your husband from the SO?
  10. klidov

    klidov Silver Meritorious Patron

    Hello Sabrina.

    I am very proud of you for making a very difficult choice. You are among friends here.:yes:
  11. sandygirl

    sandygirl Silver Meritorious Patron

    hello Sabrina!!

    Sounds like you're not giving yourself enought credit!!! You did stand up for what you thought was right. Unfortunatly, you were treated like garbage by the people you trusted and dedicated your life too. You will find that as a consistant thread in many stories here-it's not you!!

    Look forward to hearing more about you!!!
  12. Voltaire's Child

    Voltaire's Child Fool on the Hill

    Glad to see you're back here.
  13. thetanic

    thetanic Gold Meritorious Patron

    Sabrina, welcome, and glad you're here.
  14. boonies

    boonies Patron

    Hi Sabrina

    Cut yourself some slack and remember how long you were told all these suppressive things...a long time.

    I fell for the thing about people leaving staff being degraded beings, but ONLY because I never got to see anybody who left staff. So really, I believed something I really hadn't seen for myself.

    They were the ones trying to degrade you and make you feel that way. I'm not saying you're degraded, but I'm saying that they did their best to MAKE you feel degraded. The definition of degraded: To lower in value or social position; To reduce in quality or purity; to reduce; to decompose by stages; to wear away by erosion.

    Do you see what I'm saying? Some people feel degraded when they leave because of all they went through in trying to leave! I wasn't degraded when I left, but more I was afraid that somehow since I left staff I'd become degraded, like a fear of becoming degraded, since that's what they tell you.

    I think you should get in contact with your dad, too. He's your parent and I bet he loves you unconditionally and will totally understand and have affinity, compassion and love for you, no matter what happened in the past.

    Good luck and if you need help, you are certainly welcomed to email or private message me. Hugs.
  15. RolandRB

    RolandRB Rest in Peace

    It's stories like yours, where you were raised inside the cult, that make me think that this cult needs to be taken down as quickly as possible.
  16. Feral

    Feral Rogue male

    Wot he says.

    Sabrina, I wish you all the very best in getting past the lies you were fed, the culties get so desperate to keep people under their control that there is no end to the levels of deception that they will sink to.
  17. Carmel

    Carmel Crusader


    Hi Sabrina,
    You've had a rough trot (and I feel for you on that), but you are obviously a lot stronger than what you give yourself credit for. You're on the right track. Go girl!!! :thumbsup: All the best :)
  18. Cat's Squirrel

    Cat's Squirrel Gold Meritorious Patron

    Seconded. People with minds of their own, and who can think and observe for themselves and draw conclusions from what they see, are always an intolerable threat to control freaks and power junkies.

    I trust your worst times are behind you now and you can start to enjoy life from now on.
  19. sabrina

    sabrina Patron

    I keep reading comments like, "You're not giving yourself enough credit". But honestly I think I am, I'm simply saying what happened and what my thoughts on Scientology are. I love and respect myself and have finally started to realize that I am the most important thing in MY life. A new mantra I'm trying is "I'm right", all those other positive ones like "I love myself" are like me trying to overcompensation for something, so I'm sticking with "I'm right". I just like it more. Anyways, I wasn't trying to portray a defeatist attitude, just my true experiences and how I feel right now about what I have gone through, and No, I don't think I'm special for having experienced what I have, just extremely unfortunate. But I also know that it has made me who I am, for better or for worse. So that's all I have to say about that. Another thing is that people constantly say "I hope everything gets better fast". Which I understand why they would be saying that, but I am depressed and am going through some rough times so the last thing I want to hear is"Everything Is Ok", when clearly it's not. I'm a realist, that's just who and what I am, and I like people who accept me for who I am, what I have gone through, and how I feel, because that is what is real to me. Anyways, not trying to step on any toes, but that's just how I see things. For me life has not gotten any easier after leaving Scientology, infact quite the opposite. Every day is challenge for me, and it's not because I'm new to the real world, although that may be a small part, it's because I am physically exhausted most days and have very little energy to live. When I feel ok, like today, it's great, but most days it's a struggle to get out of bed, so that is what I am experiencing. I am working on seeing a doctor, but that is what that is, I have to wait and see, until than I am still who I am and feeling how I feel, and that's about it. Hope I didn't piss too many people off, just expressing me. But also I want to thank all the well wishes because I read each and every last one and I swelled up with tears when reading them, It's make me happy that someone at east relates to some of the experiences that I have gone through, so thank you for that, it makes me feel appreciated.
  20. quietheart

    quietheart Patron Meritorious

    The only thing I can really say right now is I do understand what you're saying, I'm somewhat in the same place right now but for very different reasons. I'm lucky to have my kids cause they are the reason I get up every day and do something, even if it aint much at times. I hope things work out for you and you can get to see a good Dr., unfortantly sometimes that seems to take forever. I'll keep you in my thoughts.