DianaClass8, Mark A Baker, Blue Spirit, Marty R - and Magnum Opus!

[nothomonovis2]

Ha ha ha... don't worry, it's not all about you guys. I'm going to jabber away about various things for far too long, and then I'm going to get back to my life. It's been somewhat undescribable being back in this world for a little while, but the truth is - it's just not my world anymore. I have a life out here that I've had for a long time, and I built it with my own two hands. I have a good woman I don't deserve (she's better than me, truth is truth) and I have a kid who looks to me for hope and guidance, God help him.

I came here to get a small, mostly symbolic, largely personal and useless measure of justice for Griffee. When I read what had occurred to her, it hurt me. It hurt me so deeply. It still hurts me. On the one hand, that's okay. That's life. The comment about human emotion and reaction being the primary barrier to production is obviously true in the most ultimate sense, but the inference it creates is BULLSHIT.

Human emotion and reaction is what living life is all about. Our hopefullness harms us, but it also lifts us up. All the things that have the potential to cause us the greatest pain are the things that give life purpose. Love, loyalty, friendship, marriage, fatherhood, motherhood, striving and succeeding, striving and failing, and, of course - remembering. Remembering Griffee causes me great pain. Well. Better than forgetting her. One day I'll remember her and it won't ruin my heart and that'll make me happy. Missing people, mourning people, is the price you pay for knowing people.

I came here to shout my displeasure from the rooftops, to slap some people hard enough to knock them down for a moment, and to publically shame those involved. But please understand: I don't hate you, and I don't think you're bad. How could I? Once upon a time - you were my people. You know? Once upon a time, we were all in this together. Our only crime was hope and I think we can all be forgiven for that failing. Diana, I know you and I are no longer on the same side of the fence when it comes to 'the tech' but I don't look down on you for it. Quite the contrary - I love you for it. I love that you have such a simple desire to help your fellow man. I may not agree you're doing it the right way, but God, I love you for even trying. Mark, Blue Spirit, I don't know you , but again - this wasn't about calling you out on every aspect of your existence. You're better than that, and when you said the things you said, you hurt me. You hurt me deeply. Not just on behalf of Griffee Blythe, but because I do know you. Not literally, but I have certainty that you are better than what you demonstrated. And knowing this hurt me so much, and it made me rage.

So, yeah, I came here to punch you in the fucking face. Why? Well - first, because you deserved it. Sometimes, when we fuck up, we just have to take our lumps. I choose to view your silence as an acceptance of that, and I commend you for taking your thrashings quietly. Second, because of what I said above: you were my people and I cherish you.

Finally, and in some ways most significant to me: because Griffee was my sister.

No, not my literal sister. But at some point, she, like me and so many others, woke up and decided 'hey, this Scientology stuff is truly what it's all about. I'm going to change the course of my life. I'm going to give up everything I've got and I'm going to go work seven days a week for the rest of my life. I'm going to give up money, material things, free time, time with my family and those I love. I'm going to accept that I need to be tough because it's a tough universe, and I'm going to take face rips and yelling and RPF and pigs berthing and too gruesomes, because none of it is factually as bad as holding onto the bank and being sunk in the misery of eternity. I'm going to join the Sea Org because I honestly, truly want humanity to be lifted up, and to fail to do everything I can to make that happen would make me, on some level, a bad person. I want to be a good person. I want to be the best person I could be.' And she set off on that path, like I did, like many reading this did. I was young when I made that decision, but it was my decision and no one made it for me. I left home and 'set off to find my fortune'. The first footfall was an adventure, no doubt about it, an adventure driven by hope.

She was my sister, one of many, just as there were oh so many brothers. Bright, shiny, decent, worthy people. Filled with such hope. I think of them, to some degree, each and every day. Sometimes this makes me smile. Sometimes this makes me sad. But I remember them all, and I will remember them forever. It doesn't matter that it was all in our minds. Our motives were pure. And I don't care if it's melodramatic or hippified - I love you all, and I miss you every day.

I know the burdens most of you carry, big or small, because we all carry them. Our little inhumanities. Here's a good example: Toby Cantine. Toby was kind of a goofy person when I knew her. Little dorky, you know? But she cared. She cared. She gave up the same life as the rest of us. And you know what I remember? I remember treating that sweet woman with a kind of low grade contempt. I remember joining in with the snide comments about her when the subject would arise. That's far from the worst of it, but even that example hurts my heart. I allow myself to consider that at times, and I allow myself to feel the pain of that transgression. FUCK all that BULLSHIT about 'guilt sidesteps true responsibility as much as the man with no remorse.' Nope, sorry. Remorse is the price you pay. If you trip up and treat good people like shit and you're a good person yourself, the only way to stay a good person is to take your licks.

One of the inherent POTENTIAL problems with reincarnation as a belief system is that it creates this kind of ultimate relativism. 'All this material stuff is not actually real, we'll get another chance' and everything that that can be twisted to mean. There's nothing wrong with that belief, but it has to be seasoned with a reverence for life and a true, honest compassion for all people or it can justify monstrousness.

Here's an example from my own life. I did some volunteer work in a non-US country some years ago. It involved dealing with kids who'd been victims of human trafficking. I met a little girl there. She was 10. She'd been a prostitute since she was about six, working in these godawful hell-hole brothels. She had these two round scars on her head, from where the pimp had pounded nails into her skull because she failed to meet her 'quota.' When I met her, she had HIV that had progressed into full blown aids. I got to know her quite well before I went home. Before leaving, I went and saw her and I asked her: what can I do for you? Do you know what she said? Remember Me. Her greatest fear, she explained, was that she would die and it would be as if she'd never existed.

I remember her. Every year on a particular day I sit down and I let myself remember that girl. She had the whitest teeth, simply amazing. And yes, when I do that, it's debilitating to a degree. I'm not particularly functional on those days. It hurts me terribly to remember her so vividly. And guess what? I'm not interested in anyone coming up to me and saying 'hey, that's just a secondary, given power by the engram below it...' No thanks. I choose to pay the price for still being alive. I choose to remember not just with my head, but with my heart, ALL OF IT.

Now that girl never made a real contribution to the world. She never donated a dollar to the coffers of a church, she never helped anyone, really. She was here and now she's gone. And various (possibly) well-intentioned people will comfort themselves with concepts of 'Karma' or 'she pulled it in', etc. That kind of certainty comforts them because it explains how something so hurtfully hideous could happen to an innocent, lovely child in this world. I prefer to remain uncertain. I prefer to remember her grubby little feet (she never wore shoes) and the sores on her arms and the little pinpoints scars that came from electric shock torture with a car battery. I want to remember her laughter, but I also want to remember the times she would just stare off, lost, the times the past whispered to her too strongly and no one could reach her. I want to remember it all because if anything gives the soul three dimensions, it's that. You want to talk about 'confronting mass'? That's mass, man. Confront that, come through it, I promise you, it won't kill you. It'll hurt you dearly, but you'll understand how precious life is, and how most of it is just random rolls of the dice. Some succeed and some suffer, and it's both tragic and beautiful, all rolled up into one and it's happening right now, right in front of you, with every second that ticks by.

Griffee was my sister, that's all. I'll apologize on her behalf for any wrongs she did you, and I am speaking sincerely. But I promise you, I PROMISE you, that's not why she joined the Sea Org, and it's not what she would have done if left to her own devices. She wasn't a COB or a Marty R. She just wasn't. You understand? How can I put it most simply? Maybe this: she wasn't 'other', Diana, Mark, Blue Spirit. She was ours. Please don't hurt her anymore. Forgive her. Allow yourself to feel and understand her pain, because she deserves that. Most of all, most most most of all - remember her. Carry her with you forever, because she was a part of your family, too.

I love you guys, and my only hope is that you live lives that let you love yourself.

I have more to say on other subjects before I head out, but we should probably break this up a little for all the tl;dr retards out there (and you ARE retards! I hate you lazy fucks! )

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

I came here to shout my displeasure from the rooftops, to slap some people hard enough to knock them down for a moment, and to publically shame those involved. But please understand: I don't hate you, and I don't think you're bad. How could I? Once upon a time - you were my people. You know? Once upon a time, we were all in this together.

THE SIMPLIFIED HISTORY OF OPPRESSED PEOPLE:

1. (Moses): Let my people go!

2. (Scn Registrars): Let my people flow!

3. (Ex-Scn): Let my people blow!

 

[Mark A. Baker]

Please don't hurt her anymore.

With regard to Griffee, I never knew her. I never hurt her. I have never spoken ill of her. I wished no ill to befall her.

The only "crime" of which I am guilty is speaking up on behalf of my own friend, DianaClassVIII, a woman who has herself been injured as a result of Griffee's actions and for whom you accordingly profess an insane personal hatred. Your extended tirades on this matter illustrate this point all too well.

Frankly, given the nature & scope of your remarks, I'm as inclined to regard your posts to be evidence of some OSA operation aimed against known Freezone activists as to believe that your tirade comes from a genuine, if irrational, feeling of animus.

Either way, I draw your attention to Emma's remarks that ESMB is not intended to be used for advancing personal vendettas.


Mark A. Baker

 

[Zinjifar]

Thanks for taking the time to spill your guts nothomonovus. It may not be acceptable or pretty, but, I think you've said your piece. I like dianna and I never knew Griffee, so, I'm in the position of not having to take a 'stand'. But, thanks for saying what you needed to say.

Feel free to come back anytime and read or post. We are *all* more than a single 'item'.

Good luck

Zinj

 

[nothomonovis2]

Marty R

Little disclaimer, since I have little trust in this area. Marty R - OF COURSE - in no way refers to the real life Marty Rathbun. There's no attempt here to imply that the real life Marty R has actually done anything I talk about. This is, of course, simply satire...

Marty, I came here for Griffee, and I'll be on about my business after these last hurrahs, but I wanted to say a few things to you.

In all probability you're a sociopath of some kind. You've been tied to the hip with he who must not be named from the beginning of all the bad. Probably those outside the organization don't understand the serious difference between the stratosphere you operated in and even, for example, CMOI. You were a floater, something very, very few people below your echelon could even conceive of. Sure, you had he who must not be named riding your ass, but you weren't subject to the same shit the rest of us were, and you know it.

Aaron Saxton (or whatever his name is) might get a little carried away at times, and he's made some wonky statements, but one thing he said in one of his rants hit home for me. He talked about the level of care you received because of your position. From food to berthing to clothes to deference. You did, factually, prosper at times while others suffered, and I'm willing to bet you did it for the vast majority of your Sea Org career. He made the statement (paraphrased) 'and you accepted this because some part of you felt that you deserved it, that you were better than other people.' And I think that's a true observation. Unfortunately, it's not one you've ever made yourself, publically.

More, you were on legal and invest lines, which most people seem to feel is the area of most corruption. The dirty side of things. You were floating above all that, lieutenant to your friend. You were involved in destructive policy implementation at all echelons and you betrayed the trust of your fellow sea org members in terrible, terrible ways. People were harmed, Marty. Lives were ruined. Griffee is a good microcosm of that, and her blood is on your hands, too.

Thing is, you're never definitive. I've combed through what you've written in various places, and I see little true remorse. I see PR statements, attempts to position yourself as some kind of savior. Cowboy tough, renaissance man, all that silly shit.

Marty, here's my bottom line: you're not my brother. You weren't a part of all those good people I talked about above. You were a user, a liar, a terrorizer, a thug. And nothing you've said thus far has provided a datum of comparable magnitude to all that. In Scientology terms - you have one hell of a liability formula to do, and yet you've never come right out and said it.

There's a basic failure on your part to do THAT, to step up and say: I fucked you over. I joined in, I knew it, I forwarded it, and at times, I even enjoyed it. There's a failure to say: I'm haunted by the fact that I lived in comparative luxury while others were living in squalor. There are no tears, nothing I can look at and go 'Yes, fuck, THERE! He gets it!' This, when combined with your track record, doesn't paint a trustworthy picture. No one is asking you to reveal anything that will send you to prison (well, I'm not). Just be honest for a second. Knock of the PRO and sit down and be a man like any other man. Not the former IG or a Class 9 or whatever. Be a guy and tell us with some fucking heart, for Christ's sake.

Because this line in your diatribe about Griffee re: 'I regretfully forwarded'? Well, imagine me in front of you, jabbing my finger in your face while I blast you with the following:

THAT DOESNT

FUCKING

CUT IT.

You played a part in her destruction, and her destruction was a little bit of hell on earth. Show me that you've grasped THAT, that you are capable of feeling THAT, and I might - MAYBE - believe that you're not completely full of shit.

On the small chance that you privately feel what I'm publically stating, let me lay this truth on you, Marty: this is it. This is your last chance to do something truly redemptive for yourself as a human being.

And I'm not going to join in on your power play or whatever is, but I'll be watching, and I can guarantee you there are probably a lot of people out there like me. People no longer caught up Scientology, who haven't been for a long time, and never will be again. People who have gone out into the world and carved out a successful existence. People who have been around the block in this real world, and who have also been around the block in the world of the SO and Scn. They're not going to go out and join in on court cases or pickets because the reality is, they've moved on. Not youngsters, but Ex'es with some life experience and who probably aren't that easily intimidated.

I don't actually know of all these people, but it's pretty empiric that they're around, and I imagine they, like me, come in now and again to check out the lay of the land. Most of all, and most probably, to see how their brothers and sisters are being treated. That's what brought me here the other day.

So if you end up pulling off your coup, and back in charge, don't think you're off the hook. I'll be checking from time to time, as I'm sure other will be, too, and I imagine if we find that you are still terrorizing our brothers and sisters, that we won't let it lie.

The truth is, Marty, and you should know this if you don't already: if you actually love the subject and the church, you should NEVER be in charge of it again. Why? Because that very fact will keep people away. Not because you smell or anything, and not because it's inconceivable that you could make up the damage done, but because you had your chance and you fucked it up royally and a lot of people will never, ever trust you with a second chance. The truth is, you don't deserve one. If you have actually changed and are in the process of becoming a decent human being, you know that already.

If you can clean up the mess, that's great. But you're too tainted to be the one to give the church a new start, and to be quite frank, if you ended up at the helm again, I'd assume you're full of shit. The same goes for the other MR.

None of this is me saying you don't deserve to be happy. If you show me and others in some undeniable fashion that you truly changed, I'll wish you well. But I don't ever want you in a position of power over my brothers and sisters again because you've shown you're not strong enough for that. If you can, in the end, bring some measure of justice, true justice, to the memory of people like Griffee Blythe, I can say with all honesty that I will forgive you and wish you a quiet, peaceful life. But to do more, to return you to any position of power, well... I mean, come on. Anyone with a clear head can see that would just be stupid.

I hope you see this, I truly do. And I hope, fervently, that you're going to do something about those poor people, many of whom I know. It just hollows me out to hear these stories. It scours me down to the deepest places.

Do something about it. Don't fuck it up.

DO YOU HEAR ME, MARTY?

 

[nothomonovis2]

With regard to Griffee, I never knew her. I never hurt her. I have never spoken ill of her. I wished no ill to befall her.

The only "crime" of which I am guilty is speaking up on behalf of my own friend, DianaClassVIII, a woman who has herself been injured as a result of Griffee's actions and for whom you accordingly profess an insane personal hatred. Your extended tirades on this matter illustrate this point all too well.

Frankly, given the nature & scope of your remarks, I'm as inclined to regard your posts to be evidence of some OSA operation aimed against known Freezone activists as to believe that your tirade comes from a genuine, if irrational, feeling of animus.

Either way, I draw your attention to Emma's remarks that ESMB is not intended to be used for advancing personal vendettas.


Mark A. Baker

Oh, fuck you Mark. OSA, Schmosa. OSA can lick my taint and kiss my unwiped ass.

I'm sorry you're blind to what you did, but it's obvious to any sane and normal human being, I promise you. I spelled it out clearly, I'm not going to do it again.

Anger ain't always irrational, Mark, and there is no 'vendetta' here on my part. Did you even bother to read my opening post on this thread?

Wow. Whatever. Live on into the future, comforted by that infinite, unshakeable rightness.

 

[FinallyFree]

Marty is not as successful at pulling the wool over people's eyes as he thinks.

 

[Type4_PTS]

Ha ha ha... don't worry, it's not all about you guys. I'm going to jabber away about various things for far too long, and then I'm going to get back to my life. It's been somewhat undescribable being back in this world for a little while, but the truth is - it's just not my world anymore. I have a life out here that I've had for a long time, and I built it with my own two hands. I have a good woman I don't deserve (she's better than me, truth is truth) and I have a kid who looks to me for hope and guidance, God help him.

I came here to get a small, mostly symbolic, largely personal and useless measure of justice for Griffee. When I read what had occurred to her, it hurt me. It hurt me so deeply. It still hurts me. On the one hand, that's okay. That's life. The comment about human emotion and reaction being the primary barrier to production is obviously true in the most ultimate sense, but the inference it creates is BULLSHIT.

Human emotion and reaction is what living life is all about. Our hopefullness harms us, but it also lifts us up. All the things that have the potential to cause us the greatest pain are the things that give life purpose. Love, loyalty, friendship, marriage, fatherhood, motherhood, striving and succeeding, striving and failing, and, of course - remembering. Remembering Griffee causes me great pain. Well. Better than forgetting her. One day I'll remember her and it won't ruin my heart and that'll make me happy. Missing people, mourning people, is the price you pay for knowing people.

I came here to shout my displeasure from the rooftops, to slap some people hard enough to knock them down for a moment, and to publically shame those involved. But please understand: I don't hate you, and I don't think you're bad. How could I? Once upon a time - you were my people. You know? Once upon a time, we were all in this together. Our only crime was hope and I think we can all be forgiven for that failing. Diana, I know you and I are no longer on the same side of the fence when it comes to 'the tech' but I don't look down on you for it. Quite the contrary - I love you for it. I love that you have such a simple desire to help your fellow man. I may not agree you're doing it the right way, but God, I love you for even trying. Mark, Blue Spirit, I don't know you , but again - this wasn't about calling you out on every aspect of your existence. You're better than that, and when you said the things you said, you hurt me. You hurt me deeply. Not just on behalf of Griffee Blythe, but because I do know you. Not literally, but I have certainty that you are better than what you demonstrated. And knowing this hurt me so much, and it made me rage.

So, yeah, I came here to punch you in the fucking face. Why? Well - first, because you deserved it. Sometimes, when we fuck up, we just have to take our lumps. I choose to view your silence as an acceptance of that, and I commend you for taking your thrashings quietly. Second, because of what I said above: you were my people and I cherish you.

Finally, and in some ways most significant to me: because Griffee was my sister.

No, not my literal sister. But at some point, she, like me and so many others, woke up and decided 'hey, this Scientology stuff is truly what it's all about. I'm going to change the course of my life. I'm going to give up everything I've got and I'm going to go work seven days a week for the rest of my life. I'm going to give up money, material things, free time, time with my family and those I love. I'm going to accept that I need to be tough because it's a tough universe, and I'm going to take face rips and yelling and RPF and pigs berthing and too gruesomes, because none of it is factually as bad as holding onto the bank and being sunk in the misery of eternity. I'm going to join the Sea Org because I honestly, truly want humanity to be lifted up, and to fail to do everything I can to make that happen would make me, on some level, a bad person. I want to be a good person. I want to be the best person I could be.' And she set off on that path, like I did, like many reading this did. I was young when I made that decision, but it was my decision and no one made it for me. I left home and 'set off to find my fortune'. The first footfall was an adventure, no doubt about it, an adventure driven by hope.

She was my sister, one of many, just as there were oh so many brothers. Bright, shiny, decent, worthy people. Filled with such hope. I think of them, to some degree, each and every day. Sometimes this makes me smile. Sometimes this makes me sad. But I remember them all, and I will remember them forever. It doesn't matter that it was all in our minds. Our motives were pure. And I don't care if it's melodramatic or hippified - I love you all, and I miss you every day.

I know the burdens most of you carry, big or small, because we all carry them. Our little inhumanities. Here's a good example: Toby Cantine. Toby was kind of a goofy person when I knew her. Little dorky, you know? But she cared. She cared. She gave up the same life as the rest of us. And you know what I remember? I remember treating that sweet woman with a kind of low grade contempt. I remember joining in with the snide comments about her when the subject would arise. That's far from the worst of it, but even that example hurts my heart. I allow myself to consider that at times, and I allow myself to feel the pain of that transgression. FUCK all that BULLSHIT about 'guilt sidesteps true responsibility as much as the man with no remorse.' Nope, sorry. Remorse is the price you pay. If you trip up and treat good people like shit and you're a good person yourself, the only way to stay a good person is to take your licks.

One of the inherent POTENTIAL problems with reincarnation as a belief system is that it creates this kind of ultimate relativism. 'All this material stuff is not actually real, we'll get another chance' and everything that that can be twisted to mean. There's nothing wrong with that belief, but it has to be seasoned with a reverence for life and a true, honest compassion for all people or it can justify monstrousness.

Here's an example from my own life. I did some volunteer work in a non-US country some years ago. It involved dealing with kids who'd been victims of human trafficking. I met a little girl there. She was 10. She'd been a prostitute since she was about six, working in these godawful hell-hole brothels. She had these two round scars on her head, from where the pimp had pounded nails into her skull because she failed to meet her 'quota.' When I met her, she had HIV that had progressed into full blown aids. I got to know her quite well before I went home. Before leaving, I went and saw her and I asked her: what can I do for you? Do you know what she said? Remember Me. Her greatest fear, she explained, was that she would die and it would be as if she'd never existed.

I remember her. Every year on a particular day I sit down and I let myself remember that girl. She had the whitest teeth, simply amazing. And yes, when I do that, it's debilitating to a degree. I'm not particularly functional on those days. It hurts me terribly to remember her so vividly. And guess what? I'm not interested in anyone coming up to me and saying 'hey, that's just a secondary, given power by the engram below it...' No thanks. I choose to pay the price for still being alive. I choose to remember not just with my head, but with my heart, ALL OF IT.

Now that girl never made a real contribution to the world. She never donated a dollar to the coffers of a church, she never helped anyone, really. She was here and now she's gone. And various (possibly) well-intentioned people will comfort themselves with concepts of 'Karma' or 'she pulled it in', etc. That kind of certainty comforts them because it explains how something so hurtfully hideous could happen to an innocent, lovely child in this world. I prefer to remain uncertain. I prefer to remember her grubby little feet (she never wore shoes) and the sores on her arms and the little pinpoints scars that came from electric shock torture with a car battery. I want to remember her laughter, but I also want to remember the times she would just stare off, lost, the times the past whispered to her too strongly and no one could reach her. I want to remember it all because if anything gives the soul three dimensions, it's that. You want to talk about 'confronting mass'? That's mass, man. Confront that, come through it, I promise you, it won't kill you. It'll hurt you dearly, but you'll understand how precious life is, and how most of it is just random rolls of the dice. Some succeed and some suffer, and it's both tragic and beautiful, all rolled up into one and it's happening right now, right in front of you, with every second that ticks by.

Griffee was my sister, that's all. I'll apologize on her behalf for any wrongs she did you, and I am speaking sincerely. But I promise you, I PROMISE you, that's not why she joined the Sea Org, and it's not what she would have done if left to her own devices. She wasn't a COB or a Marty R. She just wasn't. You understand? How can I put it most simply? Maybe this: she wasn't 'other', Diana, Mark, Blue Spirit. She was ours. Please don't hurt her anymore. Forgive her. Allow yourself to feel and understand her pain, because she deserves that. Most of all, most most most of all - remember her. Carry her with you forever, because she was a part of your family, too.

I love you guys, and my only hope is that you live lives that let you love yourself.

I have more to say on other subjects before I head out, but we should probably break this up a little for all the tl;dr retards out there (and you ARE retards! I hate you lazy fucks! )

Little disclaimer, since I have little trust in this area. Marty R - OF COURSE - in no way refers to the real life Marty Rathbun. There's no attempt here to imply that the real life Marty R has actually done anything I talk about. This is, of course, simply satire...

Marty, I came here for Griffee, and I'll be on about my business after these last hurrahs, but I wanted to say a few things to you.

In all probability you're a sociopath of some kind. You've been tied to the hip with he who must not be named from the beginning of all the bad. Probably those outside the organization don't understand the serious difference between the stratosphere you operated in and even, for example, CMOI. You were a floater, something very, very few people below your echelon could even conceive of. Sure, you had he who must not be named riding your ass, but you weren't subject to the same shit the rest of us were, and you know it.

Aaron Saxton (or whatever his name is) might get a little carried away at times, and he's made some wonky statements, but one thing he said in one of his rants hit home for me. He talked about the level of care you received because of your position. From food to berthing to clothes to deference. You did, factually, prosper at times while others suffered, and I'm willing to bet you did it for the vast majority of your Sea Org career. He made the statement (paraphrased) 'and you accepted this because some part of you felt that you deserved it, that you were better than other people.' And I think that's a true observation. Unfortunately, it's not one you've ever made yourself, publically.

More, you were on legal and invest lines, which most people seem to feel is the area of most corruption. The dirty side of things. You were floating above all that, lieutenant to your friend. You were involved in destructive policy implementation at all echelons and you betrayed the trust of your fellow sea org members in terrible, terrible ways. People were harmed, Marty. Lives were ruined. Griffee is a good microcosm of that, and her blood is on your hands, too.

Thing is, you're never definitive. I've combed through what you've written in various places, and I see little true remorse. I see PR statements, attempts to position yourself as some kind of savior. Cowboy tough, renaissance man, all that silly shit.

Marty, here's my bottom line: you're not my brother. You weren't a part of all those good people I talked about above. You were a user, a liar, a terrorizer, a thug. And nothing you've said thus far has provided a datum of comparable magnitude to all that. In Scientology terms - you have one hell of a liability formula to do, and yet you've never come right out and said it.

There's a basic failure on your part to do THAT, to step up and say: I fucked you over. I joined in, I knew it, I forwarded it, and at times, I even enjoyed it. There's a failure to say: I'm haunted by the fact that I lived in comparative luxury while others were living in squalor. There are no tears, nothing I can look at and go 'Yes, fuck, THERE! He gets it!' This, when combined with your track record, doesn't paint a trustworthy picture. No one is asking you to reveal anything that will send you to prison (well, I'm not). Just be honest for a second. Knock of the PRO and sit down and be a man like any other man. Not the former IG or a Class 9 or whatever. Be a guy and tell us with some fucking heart, for Christ's sake.

Because this line in your diatribe about Griffee re: 'I regretfully forwarded'? Well, imagine me in front of you, jabbing my finger in your face while I blast you with the following:

THAT DOESNT

FUCKING

CUT IT.

You played a part in her destruction, and her destruction was a little bit of hell on earth. Show me that you've grasped THAT, that you are capable of feeling THAT, and I might - MAYBE - believe that you're not completely full of shit.

On the small chance that you privately feel what I'm publically stating, let me lay this truth on you, Marty: this is it. This is your last chance to do something truly redemptive for yourself as a human being.

And I'm not going to join in on your power play or whatever is, but I'll be watching, and I can guarantee you there are probably a lot of people out there like me. People no longer caught up Scientology, who haven't been for a long time, and never will be again. People who have gone out into the world and carved out a successful existence. People who have been around the block in this real world, and who have also been around the block in the world of the SO and Scn. They're not going to go out and join in on court cases or pickets because the reality is, they've moved on. Not youngsters, but Ex'es with some life experience and who probably aren't that easily intimidated.

I don't actually know of all these people, but it's pretty empiric that they're around, and I imagine they, like me, come in now and again to check out the lay of the land. Most of all, and most probably, to see how their brothers and sisters are being treated. That's what brought me here the other day.

So if you end up pulling off your coup, and back in charge, don't think you're off the hook. I'll be checking from time to time, as I'm sure other will be, too, and I imagine if we find that you are still terrorizing our brothers and sisters, that we won't let it lie.

The truth is, Marty, and you should know this if you don't already: if you actually love the subject and the church, you should NEVER be in charge of it again. Why? Because that very fact will keep people away. Not because you smell or anything, and not because it's inconceivable that you could make up the damage done, but because you had your chance and you fucked it up royally and a lot of people will never, ever trust you with a second chance. The truth is, you don't deserve one. If you have actually changed and are in the process of becoming a decent human being, you know that already.

If you can clean up the mess, that's great. But you're too tainted to be the one to give the church a new start, and to be quite frank, if you ended up at the helm again, I'd assume you're full of shit. The same goes for the other MR.

None of this is me saying you don't deserve to be happy. If you show me and others in some undeniable fashion that you truly changed, I'll wish you well. But I don't ever want you in a position of power over my brothers and sisters again because you've shown you're not strong enough for that. If you can, in the end, bring some measure of justice, true justice, to the memory of people like Griffee Blythe, I can say with all honesty that I will forgive you and wish you a quiet, peaceful life. But to do more, to return you to any position of power, well... I mean, come on. Anyone with a clear head can see that would just be stupid.

I hope you see this, I truly do. And I hope, fervently, that you're going to do something about those poor people, many of whom I know. It just hollows me out to hear these stories. It scours me down to the deepest places.

Do something about it. Don't fuck it up.

DO YOU HEAR ME, MARTY?

TL; DR

 

[nothomonovis2]

Wrapping it up

Guess I'll wrap this up before Emma has to ban me or something. Listen, I've said my piece and I'll be on about my business. In the day to day I'm simply not interested. Those who disagree, those who I pissed off, those who just 'don't like that guy' - feel free to nuke away, I won't reply.

OSA - let sleeping dogs lie. Recommended behavior.

One last thought, this is something I read a while back from a poster known as 'Lion' from the groups days.

"We are born into world of mystery and fear. And, in the course of
our lives, we learn to live with mystery and transcend fear.

After almost 51 years of exploration, into these very issues, I have
only come to a couple of conclusions.

The teachers we seem to value most, seem to be those who set off
their own, to explore the truth of their prescience here.

We do not honor their journey with mindless belief, and unquestioned
acceptance of their values and discoveries.

They did the work of discovery and somehow, we think we can get
there without the work.

Great discoverers, often forget how they got there, and rip us off
by not allowing, and many times hindering, our own exploration.

I hope the future is full of good teachers who ask, what do YOU
feel, what do YOU see, what do YOU understand, what are YOUR values,
what have YOU understood.

And, in subtle, and creative ways, help them to understand the
subtle obligations and responsibilities of relational life.

One of the things I have learned is that it's very hard to have the
wisdom one gets at 50 when you are 21. If one of you think you can
alter this, I completely support you and encourage you to have at it.

I think it takes a lifetime to get a life

Love, Lion"

Later people. Good luck and don't forget: by and large, life is pretty fucking awesome.

(PTS TYPE 4 - FUNNY SHIT! FUCK YOU MY FRIEND! )

 

[Disinfected]

@nothomonovis2

I agree with your assessment of Marty R. and that is the problem I have always had with him. He has managed to move into a Power condition with exes when he should be seen as in Treason. He forwarded DM's agenda and he betrayed his post as Inspector General RTC. If you believe him as to how bad things at Int are (and I do not necessarily believe any of those guys) then he betrayed all of us.

Gotta call you on the posturing tho, bro. You are gonna rain down on Marty if he takes the reins? WTF? Why not do your raining down right now? On the current oppressive regime. Why wait for the likely less oppressive one?

 

[thefiredragon]

Gee!
Knock it off!Guys!
I'm glad you're comunicated your feelings but come on!:confused2:
People you've mentioned in this post have not even read it yet!
May be they will just ignore it..I don't know..
But EXMB is not about posting things like that..

 

[Carmel]

Nothomonovis2....

Given the context of *all* your posts, I think I get where you were coming from, so didn't take offence particularly, although I knew that people would (especially those who you *blasted*).

I think a lot of the points you made have validity, as do points made by others here on ESMB stating a different perspective on the same matter (on the other thread).

The problem here isn't where you are at or what you think. It's how you communicated it that got an adverse reaction, and from reading your posts, I think that you are smart enough to see why that would be so.

Anyways, I hope that you do see it, and don't make incorrect conclusions based on reactions to your *reaction*.

I hope that ya stick around, or at least visit on occasion (although, the use of a little less artillery would be a good thing.....at least till people get to know ya ).

 

[thetanic]

Ha ha ha... don't worry, it's not all about you guys.

Whatever. :lonk::

 

[Type4_PTS]

(PTS TYPE 4 - FUNNY SHIT!

Thank-You!

FUCK YOU MY FRIEND! )

Right back atcha.

 

[Terril park]

Ha ha ha... don't worry, it's not all about you guys. I'm going to jabber away about various things for far too long, and then I'm going to get back to my life. It's been somewhat undescribable being back in this world for a little while, but the truth is - it's just not my world anymore. I have a life out here that I've had for a long time, and I built it with my own two hands. I have a good woman I don't deserve (she's better than me, truth is truth) and I have a kid who looks to me for hope and guidance, God help him.

I came here to get a small, mostly symbolic, largely personal and useless measure of justice for Griffee. When I read what had occurred to her, it hurt me. It hurt me so deeply. It still hurts me. On the one hand, that's okay. That's life. The comment about human emotion and reaction being the primary barrier to production is obviously true in the most ultimate sense, but the inference it creates is BULLSHIT.

Human emotion and reaction is what living life is all about. Our hopefullness harms us, but it also lifts us up. All the things that have the potential to cause us the greatest pain are the things that give life purpose. Love, loyalty, friendship, marriage, fatherhood, motherhood, striving and succeeding, striving and failing, and, of course - remembering. Remembering Griffee causes me great pain. Well. Better than forgetting her. One day I'll remember her and it won't ruin my heart and that'll make me happy. Missing people, mourning people, is the price you pay for knowing people.

I came here to shout my displeasure from the rooftops, to slap some people hard enough to knock them down for a moment, and to publically shame those involved. But please understand: I don't hate you, and I don't think you're bad. How could I? Once upon a time - you were my people. You know? Once upon a time, we were all in this together. Our only crime was hope and I think we can all be forgiven for that failing. Diana, I know you and I are no longer on the same side of the fence when it comes to 'the tech' but I don't look down on you for it. Quite the contrary - I love you for it. I love that you have such a simple desire to help your fellow man. I may not agree you're doing it the right way, but God, I love you for even trying. Mark, Blue Spirit, I don't know you , but again - this wasn't about calling you out on every aspect of your existence. You're better than that, and when you said the things you said, you hurt me. You hurt me deeply. Not just on behalf of Griffee Blythe, but because I do know you. Not literally, but I have certainty that you are better than what you demonstrated. And knowing this hurt me so much, and it made me rage.

So, yeah, I came here to punch you in the fucking face. Why? Well - first, because you deserved it. Sometimes, when we fuck up, we just have to take our lumps. I choose to view your silence as an acceptance of that, and I commend you for taking your thrashings quietly. Second, because of what I said above: you were my people and I cherish you.

Finally, and in some ways most significant to me: because Griffee was my sister.

No, not my literal sister. But at some point, she, like me and so many others, woke up and decided 'hey, this Scientology stuff is truly what it's all about. I'm going to change the course of my life. I'm going to give up everything I've got and I'm going to go work seven days a week for the rest of my life. I'm going to give up money, material things, free time, time with my family and those I love. I'm going to accept that I need to be tough because it's a tough universe, and I'm going to take face rips and yelling and RPF and pigs berthing and too gruesomes, because none of it is factually as bad as holding onto the bank and being sunk in the misery of eternity. I'm going to join the Sea Org because I honestly, truly want humanity to be lifted up, and to fail to do everything I can to make that happen would make me, on some level, a bad person. I want to be a good person. I want to be the best person I could be.' And she set off on that path, like I did, like many reading this did. I was young when I made that decision, but it was my decision and no one made it for me. I left home and 'set off to find my fortune'. The first footfall was an adventure, no doubt about it, an adventure driven by hope.

She was my sister, one of many, just as there were oh so many brothers. Bright, shiny, decent, worthy people. Filled with such hope. I think of them, to some degree, each and every day. Sometimes this makes me smile. Sometimes this makes me sad. But I remember them all, and I will remember them forever. It doesn't matter that it was all in our minds. Our motives were pure. And I don't care if it's melodramatic or hippified - I love you all, and I miss you every day.

I know the burdens most of you carry, big or small, because we all carry them. Our little inhumanities. Here's a good example: Toby Cantine. Toby was kind of a goofy person when I knew her. Little dorky, you know? But she cared. She cared. She gave up the same life as the rest of us. And you know what I remember? I remember treating that sweet woman with a kind of low grade contempt. I remember joining in with the snide comments about her when the subject would arise. That's far from the worst of it, but even that example hurts my heart. I allow myself to consider that at times, and I allow myself to feel the pain of that transgression. FUCK all that BULLSHIT about 'guilt sidesteps true responsibility as much as the man with no remorse.' Nope, sorry. Remorse is the price you pay. If you trip up and treat good people like shit and you're a good person yourself, the only way to stay a good person is to take your licks.

One of the inherent POTENTIAL problems with reincarnation as a belief system is that it creates this kind of ultimate relativism. 'All this material stuff is not actually real, we'll get another chance' and everything that that can be twisted to mean. There's nothing wrong with that belief, but it has to be seasoned with a reverence for life and a true, honest compassion for all people or it can justify monstrousness.

Here's an example from my own life. I did some volunteer work in a non-US country some years ago. It involved dealing with kids who'd been victims of human trafficking. I met a little girl there. She was 10. She'd been a prostitute since she was about six, working in these godawful hell-hole brothels. She had these two round scars on her head, from where the pimp had pounded nails into her skull because she failed to meet her 'quota.' When I met her, she had HIV that had progressed into full blown aids. I got to know her quite well before I went home. Before leaving, I went and saw her and I asked her: what can I do for you? Do you know what she said? Remember Me. Her greatest fear, she explained, was that she would die and it would be as if she'd never existed.

I remember her. Every year on a particular day I sit down and I let myself remember that girl. She had the whitest teeth, simply amazing. And yes, when I do that, it's debilitating to a degree. I'm not particularly functional on those days. It hurts me terribly to remember her so vividly. And guess what? I'm not interested in anyone coming up to me and saying 'hey, that's just a secondary, given power by the engram below it...' No thanks. I choose to pay the price for still being alive. I choose to remember not just with my head, but with my heart, ALL OF IT.

Now that girl never made a real contribution to the world. She never donated a dollar to the coffers of a church, she never helped anyone, really. She was here and now she's gone. And various (possibly) well-intentioned people will comfort themselves with concepts of 'Karma' or 'she pulled it in', etc. That kind of certainty comforts them because it explains how something so hurtfully hideous could happen to an innocent, lovely child in this world. I prefer to remain uncertain. I prefer to remember her grubby little feet (she never wore shoes) and the sores on her arms and the little pinpoints scars that came from electric shock torture with a car battery. I want to remember her laughter, but I also want to remember the times she would just stare off, lost, the times the past whispered to her too strongly and no one could reach her. I want to remember it all because if anything gives the soul three dimensions, it's that. You want to talk about 'confronting mass'? That's mass, man. Confront that, come through it, I promise you, it won't kill you. It'll hurt you dearly, but you'll understand how precious life is, and how most of it is just random rolls of the dice. Some succeed and some suffer, and it's both tragic and beautiful, all rolled up into one and it's happening right now, right in front of you, with every second that ticks by.

Griffee was my sister, that's all. I'll apologize on her behalf for any wrongs she did you, and I am speaking sincerely. But I promise you, I PROMISE you, that's not why she joined the Sea Org, and it's not what she would have done if left to her own devices. She wasn't a COB or a Marty R. She just wasn't. You understand? How can I put it most simply? Maybe this: she wasn't 'other', Diana, Mark, Blue Spirit. She was ours. Please don't hurt her anymore. Forgive her. Allow yourself to feel and understand her pain, because she deserves that. Most of all, most most most of all - remember her. Carry her with you forever, because she was a part of your family, too.

I love you guys, and my only hope is that you live lives that let you love yourself.

I have more to say on other subjects before I head out, but we should probably break this up a little for all the tl;dr retards out there (and you ARE retards! I hate you lazy fucks! )

All the people you mention in your title thread are my friends. However I love the anger and passion with which you communicate.

Long after first studying scientology I gained a little insight into Christianity and Bhuddhism. Compassion, turn the other cheek. You seem to be looking at these same ideas.

I see your posts as a celebration of the goodness in those who have tried to make the world a better place. Whoever they may be. And a cry of anguish for their suffering.

With you on that.

 

[skollie]

Ha ha ha... don't worry, it's not all about you guys. I'm going to jabber away about various things for far too long, and then I'm going to get back to my life. It's been somewhat undescribable being back in this world for a little while, but the truth is - it's just not my world anymore. I have a life out here that I've had for a long time, and I built it with my own two hands. I have a good woman I don't deserve (she's better than me, truth is truth) and I have a kid who looks to me for hope and guidance, God help him.

I came here to get a small, mostly symbolic, largely personal and useless measure of justice for Griffee. When I read what had occurred to her, it hurt me. It hurt me so deeply. It still hurts me. On the one hand, that's okay. That's life. The comment about human emotion and reaction being the primary barrier to production is obviously true in the most ultimate sense, but the inference it creates is BULLSHIT.

Human emotion and reaction is what living life is all about. Our hopefullness harms us, but it also lifts us up. All the things that have the potential to cause us the greatest pain are the things that give life purpose. Love, loyalty, friendship, marriage, fatherhood, motherhood, striving and succeeding, striving and failing, and, of course - remembering. Remembering Griffee causes me great pain. Well. Better than forgetting her. One day I'll remember her and it won't ruin my heart and that'll make me happy. Missing people, mourning people, is the price you pay for knowing people.

I came here to shout my displeasure from the rooftops, to slap some people hard enough to knock them down for a moment, and to publically shame those involved. But please understand: I don't hate you, and I don't think you're bad. How could I? Once upon a time - you were my people. You know? Once upon a time, we were all in this together. Our only crime was hope and I think we can all be forgiven for that failing. Diana, I know you and I are no longer on the same side of the fence when it comes to 'the tech' but I don't look down on you for it. Quite the contrary - I love you for it. I love that you have such a simple desire to help your fellow man. I may not agree you're doing it the right way, but God, I love you for even trying. Mark, Blue Spirit, I don't know you , but again - this wasn't about calling you out on every aspect of your existence. You're better than that, and when you said the things you said, you hurt me. You hurt me deeply. Not just on behalf of Griffee Blythe, but because I do know you. Not literally, but I have certainty that you are better than what you demonstrated. And knowing this hurt me so much, and it made me rage.

So, yeah, I came here to punch you in the fucking face. Why? Well - first, because you deserved it. Sometimes, when we fuck up, we just have to take our lumps. I choose to view your silence as an acceptance of that, and I commend you for taking your thrashings quietly. Second, because of what I said above: you were my people and I cherish you.

Finally, and in some ways most significant to me: because Griffee was my sister.

No, not my literal sister. But at some point, she, like me and so many others, woke up and decided 'hey, this Scientology stuff is truly what it's all about. I'm going to change the course of my life. I'm going to give up everything I've got and I'm going to go work seven days a week for the rest of my life. I'm going to give up money, material things, free time, time with my family and those I love. I'm going to accept that I need to be tough because it's a tough universe, and I'm going to take face rips and yelling and RPF and pigs berthing and too gruesomes, because none of it is factually as bad as holding onto the bank and being sunk in the misery of eternity. I'm going to join the Sea Org because I honestly, truly want humanity to be lifted up, and to fail to do everything I can to make that happen would make me, on some level, a bad person. I want to be a good person. I want to be the best person I could be.' And she set off on that path, like I did, like many reading this did. I was young when I made that decision, but it was my decision and no one made it for me. I left home and 'set off to find my fortune'. The first footfall was an adventure, no doubt about it, an adventure driven by hope.

She was my sister, one of many, just as there were oh so many brothers. Bright, shiny, decent, worthy people. Filled with such hope. I think of them, to some degree, each and every day. Sometimes this makes me smile. Sometimes this makes me sad. But I remember them all, and I will remember them forever. It doesn't matter that it was all in our minds. Our motives were pure. And I don't care if it's melodramatic or hippified - I love you all, and I miss you every day.

I know the burdens most of you carry, big or small, because we all carry them. Our little inhumanities. Here's a good example: Toby Cantine. Toby was kind of a goofy person when I knew her. Little dorky, you know? But she cared. She cared. She gave up the same life as the rest of us. And you know what I remember? I remember treating that sweet woman with a kind of low grade contempt. I remember joining in with the snide comments about her when the subject would arise. That's far from the worst of it, but even that example hurts my heart. I allow myself to consider that at times, and I allow myself to feel the pain of that transgression. FUCK all that BULLSHIT about 'guilt sidesteps true responsibility as much as the man with no remorse.' Nope, sorry. Remorse is the price you pay. If you trip up and treat good people like shit and you're a good person yourself, the only way to stay a good person is to take your licks.

One of the inherent POTENTIAL problems with reincarnation as a belief system is that it creates this kind of ultimate relativism. 'All this material stuff is not actually real, we'll get another chance' and everything that that can be twisted to mean. There's nothing wrong with that belief, but it has to be seasoned with a reverence for life and a true, honest compassion for all people or it can justify monstrousness.

Here's an example from my own life. I did some volunteer work in a non-US country some years ago. It involved dealing with kids who'd been victims of human trafficking. I met a little girl there. She was 10. She'd been a prostitute since she was about six, working in these godawful hell-hole brothels. She had these two round scars on her head, from where the pimp had pounded nails into her skull because she failed to meet her 'quota.' When I met her, she had HIV that had progressed into full blown aids. I got to know her quite well before I went home. Before leaving, I went and saw her and I asked her: what can I do for you? Do you know what she said? Remember Me. Her greatest fear, she explained, was that she would die and it would be as if she'd never existed.

I remember her. Every year on a particular day I sit down and I let myself remember that girl. She had the whitest teeth, simply amazing. And yes, when I do that, it's debilitating to a degree. I'm not particularly functional on those days. It hurts me terribly to remember her so vividly. And guess what? I'm not interested in anyone coming up to me and saying 'hey, that's just a secondary, given power by the engram below it...' No thanks. I choose to pay the price for still being alive. I choose to remember not just with my head, but with my heart, ALL OF IT.

Now that girl never made a real contribution to the world. She never donated a dollar to the coffers of a church, she never helped anyone, really. She was here and now she's gone. And various (possibly) well-intentioned people will comfort themselves with concepts of 'Karma' or 'she pulled it in', etc. That kind of certainty comforts them because it explains how something so hurtfully hideous could happen to an innocent, lovely child in this world. I prefer to remain uncertain. I prefer to remember her grubby little feet (she never wore shoes) and the sores on her arms and the little pinpoints scars that came from electric shock torture with a car battery. I want to remember her laughter, but I also want to remember the times she would just stare off, lost, the times the past whispered to her too strongly and no one could reach her. I want to remember it all because if anything gives the soul three dimensions, it's that. You want to talk about 'confronting mass'? That's mass, man. Confront that, come through it, I promise you, it won't kill you. It'll hurt you dearly, but you'll understand how precious life is, and how most of it is just random rolls of the dice. Some succeed and some suffer, and it's both tragic and beautiful, all rolled up into one and it's happening right now, right in front of you, with every second that ticks by.

Griffee was my sister, that's all. I'll apologize on her behalf for any wrongs she did you, and I am speaking sincerely. But I promise you, I PROMISE you, that's not why she joined the Sea Org, and it's not what she would have done if left to her own devices. She wasn't a COB or a Marty R. She just wasn't. You understand? How can I put it most simply? Maybe this: she wasn't 'other', Diana, Mark, Blue Spirit. She was ours. Please don't hurt her anymore. Forgive her. Allow yourself to feel and understand her pain, because she deserves that. Most of all, most most most of all - remember her. Carry her with you forever, because she was a part of your family, too.

I love you guys, and my only hope is that you live lives that let you love yourself.

I have more to say on other subjects before I head out, but we should probably break this up a little for all the tl;dr retards out there (and you ARE retards! I hate you lazy fucks! )

Although I disagree with how you feel about the people mentioned, I appreciate everything said. You certainly appear to have been a good friend to Griffee.

 

[Voltaire's Child]

We all pass away someday. And just about everyone has had people become unhappy with things done or said, real or imagined. Not everyone's a Mother Theresa and she even pissed some people off though it boggles the mind as to why anyone would have become angry with/at her.

When people die, their loved ones don't want to hear negative things about that person as they are grieving for him (or in this case her). That's exactly why there's the caveat about not speaking ill of the dead. But it can be difficult for those left behind who were at odds with the decedent to hold their peace, even if they should have.

 

[AnonyMary]

I don't know who you are but I really understand where you're coming from on this. I know the compassion and humility you speak of.

Someone once said that Scientologists are jaded when it comes to the subject and reality of death. That hit home for me, especially after having been a member for so long and having felt and witnessed the insignificance of the loss of a friend or loved one to death or suicide. Being a scientologist requires minimizing human life and death for the group and it's spiritual objectives.

This is one of the main reasons I am no longer a scientologist. I always cared about people and no matter how hard I tried as a scientologist to remove all the wog in me, the point of compassion never really escaped my universe.

If I were still in scientology, I'd have told Diana that she is being critical and must have overts to have pulled in what she pulled in and definately so for her to be talking like that about Griffee on a memorial thread about her death. Of course I would never say this to DianaClass8 because I know it's not true, even though LRH said it was. We as former scientologists who have taken a critical look at what we were not supposed to look to clossely at know that this kind of talk is just more justification for making nothing about people, life and death, so we don't do that any more.

I cried when I read your post. Thanks for posting it, and the message to Marty.

Mary McConnell

Ha ha ha... don't worry, it's not all about you guys. I'm going to jabber away about various things for far too long, and then I'm going to get back to my life. It's been somewhat undescribable being back in this world for a little while, but the truth is - it's just not my world anymore. I have a life out here that I've had for a long time, and I built it with my own two hands. I have a good woman I don't deserve (she's better than me, truth is truth) and I have a kid who looks to me for hope and guidance, God help him.

I came here to get a small, mostly symbolic, largely personal and useless measure of justice for Griffee. When I read what had occurred to her, it hurt me. It hurt me so deeply. It still hurts me. On the one hand, that's okay. That's life. The comment about human emotion and reaction being the primary barrier to production is obviously true in the most ultimate sense, but the inference it creates is BULLSHIT.

Human emotion and reaction is what living life is all about. Our hopefullness harms us, but it also lifts us up. All the things that have the potential to cause us the greatest pain are the things that give life purpose. Love, loyalty, friendship, marriage, fatherhood, motherhood, striving and succeeding, striving and failing, and, of course - remembering. Remembering Griffee causes me great pain. Well. Better than forgetting her. One day I'll remember her and it won't ruin my heart and that'll make me happy. Missing people, mourning people, is the price you pay for knowing people.

I came here to shout my displeasure from the rooftops, to slap some people hard enough to knock them down for a moment, and to publically shame those involved. But please understand: I don't hate you, and I don't think you're bad. How could I? Once upon a time - you were my people. You know? Once upon a time, we were all in this together. Our only crime was hope and I think we can all be forgiven for that failing. Diana, I know you and I are no longer on the same side of the fence when it comes to 'the tech' but I don't look down on you for it. Quite the contrary - I love you for it. I love that you have such a simple desire to help your fellow man. I may not agree you're doing it the right way, but God, I love you for even trying. Mark, Blue Spirit, I don't know you , but again - this wasn't about calling you out on every aspect of your existence. You're better than that, and when you said the things you said, you hurt me. You hurt me deeply. Not just on behalf of Griffee Blythe, but because I do know you. Not literally, but I have certainty that you are better than what you demonstrated. And knowing this hurt me so much, and it made me rage.

So, yeah, I came here to punch you in the fucking face. Why? Well - first, because you deserved it. Sometimes, when we fuck up, we just have to take our lumps. I choose to view your silence as an acceptance of that, and I commend you for taking your thrashings quietly. Second, because of what I said above: you were my people and I cherish you.

Finally, and in some ways most significant to me: because Griffee was my sister.

No, not my literal sister. But at some point, she, like me and so many others, woke up and decided 'hey, this Scientology stuff is truly what it's all about. I'm going to change the course of my life. I'm going to give up everything I've got and I'm going to go work seven days a week for the rest of my life. I'm going to give up money, material things, free time, time with my family and those I love. I'm going to accept that I need to be tough because it's a tough universe, and I'm going to take face rips and yelling and RPF and pigs berthing and too gruesomes, because none of it is factually as bad as holding onto the bank and being sunk in the misery of eternity. I'm going to join the Sea Org because I honestly, truly want humanity to be lifted up, and to fail to do everything I can to make that happen would make me, on some level, a bad person. I want to be a good person. I want to be the best person I could be.' And she set off on that path, like I did, like many reading this did. I was young when I made that decision, but it was my decision and no one made it for me. I left home and 'set off to find my fortune'. The first footfall was an adventure, no doubt about it, an adventure driven by hope.

She was my sister, one of many, just as there were oh so many brothers. Bright, shiny, decent, worthy people. Filled with such hope. I think of them, to some degree, each and every day. Sometimes this makes me smile. Sometimes this makes me sad. But I remember them all, and I will remember them forever. It doesn't matter that it was all in our minds. Our motives were pure. And I don't care if it's melodramatic or hippified - I love you all, and I miss you every day.

I know the burdens most of you carry, big or small, because we all carry them. Our little inhumanities. Here's a good example: Toby Cantine. Toby was kind of a goofy person when I knew her. Little dorky, you know? But she cared. She cared. She gave up the same life as the rest of us. And you know what I remember? I remember treating that sweet woman with a kind of low grade contempt. I remember joining in with the snide comments about her when the subject would arise. That's far from the worst of it, but even that example hurts my heart. I allow myself to consider that at times, and I allow myself to feel the pain of that transgression. FUCK all that BULLSHIT about 'guilt sidesteps true responsibility as much as the man with no remorse.' Nope, sorry. Remorse is the price you pay. If you trip up and treat good people like shit and you're a good person yourself, the only way to stay a good person is to take your licks.

One of the inherent POTENTIAL problems with reincarnation as a belief system is that it creates this kind of ultimate relativism. 'All this material stuff is not actually real, we'll get another chance' and everything that that can be twisted to mean. There's nothing wrong with that belief, but it has to be seasoned with a reverence for life and a true, honest compassion for all people or it can justify monstrousness.

Here's an example from my own life. I did some volunteer work in a non-US country some years ago. It involved dealing with kids who'd been victims of human trafficking. I met a little girl there. She was 10. She'd been a prostitute since she was about six, working in these godawful hell-hole brothels. She had these two round scars on her head, from where the pimp had pounded nails into her skull because she failed to meet her 'quota.' When I met her, she had HIV that had progressed into full blown aids. I got to know her quite well before I went home. Before leaving, I went and saw her and I asked her: what can I do for you? Do you know what she said? Remember Me. Her greatest fear, she explained, was that she would die and it would be as if she'd never existed.

I remember her. Every year on a particular day I sit down and I let myself remember that girl. She had the whitest teeth, simply amazing. And yes, when I do that, it's debilitating to a degree. I'm not particularly functional on those days. It hurts me terribly to remember her so vividly. And guess what? I'm not interested in anyone coming up to me and saying 'hey, that's just a secondary, given power by the engram below it...' No thanks. I choose to pay the price for still being alive. I choose to remember not just with my head, but with my heart, ALL OF IT.

Now that girl never made a real contribution to the world. She never donated a dollar to the coffers of a church, she never helped anyone, really. She was here and now she's gone. And various (possibly) well-intentioned people will comfort themselves with concepts of 'Karma' or 'she pulled it in', etc. That kind of certainty comforts them because it explains how something so hurtfully hideous could happen to an innocent, lovely child in this world. I prefer to remain uncertain. I prefer to remember her grubby little feet (she never wore shoes) and the sores on her arms and the little pinpoints scars that came from electric shock torture with a car battery. I want to remember her laughter, but I also want to remember the times she would just stare off, lost, the times the past whispered to her too strongly and no one could reach her. I want to remember it all because if anything gives the soul three dimensions, it's that. You want to talk about 'confronting mass'? That's mass, man. Confront that, come through it, I promise you, it won't kill you. It'll hurt you dearly, but you'll understand how precious life is, and how most of it is just random rolls of the dice. Some succeed and some suffer, and it's both tragic and beautiful, all rolled up into one and it's happening right now, right in front of you, with every second that ticks by.

Griffee was my sister, that's all. I'll apologize on her behalf for any wrongs she did you, and I am speaking sincerely. But I promise you, I PROMISE you, that's not why she joined the Sea Org, and it's not what she would have done if left to her own devices. She wasn't a COB or a Marty R. She just wasn't. You understand? How can I put it most simply? Maybe this: she wasn't 'other', Diana, Mark, Blue Spirit. She was ours. Please don't hurt her anymore. Forgive her. Allow yourself to feel and understand her pain, because she deserves that. Most of all, most most most of all - remember her. Carry her with you forever, because she was a part of your family, too.

I love you guys, and my only hope is that you live lives that let you love yourself.

I have more to say on other subjects before I head out, but we should probably break this up a little for all the tl;dr retards out there (and you ARE retards! I hate you lazy fucks! )

 

[scooter]

Like the sentiments you express about the departed - something I too was guilty of when "in."

You don't get banned from here unless you violate the rules. Expressing yourself isn't a banning offense.

 

[CarmeloOrchards]

GET A LIFE,
DON'T GET A LIFE,
WHATEVER!