Disconnected and it feels like I'm dying

[Sai Ninja 2000]

thank you

to everyone who has helped me through this and given me good advice and kind words. at times, this is the only place i feel i can turn to.

my brother still isnt talking to me, in fact... he joined the sea org.


like... WHAT!?!? are f*#%ing kidding me??

i gave him my address via my parents and told them to tell him that i love him and wish him the best and that i am always going to be here for him anytime he wants to talk. i left it at that.

but all in all, the past 8 months have been harsh, and a real eye-opener to the reality of all of this. i thought i could skate by. foolish, i know, but i had hoped. anyway.. i'm just so done with the whole thing, i've said my part to my family, its on them now. i've done what i could, i've changed my own life for the better in the mean time, and there is nothing left to do but continue to improve and hope that one day they'll GET IT.

i spent a couple days a few weeks ago reading disconnection stories online, trying to find ones that may have had happy endings, reunited families. they are few and far between.

to those who are experiencing what i have gone through, dont let this get you down. dont let it sink you into apathy. dont succumb to them in the hopes of getting your family back. it is like trying to rehabilitate junkies without support, without taking their drug away. LIVE YOUR LIFE. if they dont wake up and realize what is more important, how many years of your life will you have wasted crying over them? begging them to see the light? struggling to find a workable middle ground? LIVE YOUR LIFE. its worth it to move forward, and be the best you can be. if for nothing else to have SOME kind of happiness...

this is what i have learned from this.. though i know its not over yet, its over for me. i'm done wasting my tears.

 

[Freeminds]

<snip>
you should try not to look at this as if your family does not love you
<snip>
Dedicated Scientologists are the most jaded people I have ever met.
<snip>
What you have to do is recognize that your family does this because they do not know what they do, in the broadest sense. They still need your love, your hope, your forgiveness and your devotion because they lack the ability to draw out these essential human qualities on their own.

Quoted for truth. Well done, Anonymary.

Meanwhile, don't give up hope and don't burn your bridges. Forgive, forgive, forgive... and make it clear that your loved ones are always welcome, no matter what has gone before. Scientology's disconnection is only one-way, and will only last as long as Scientology itself. As we know, CofS has shrunk to less than half its size in less than a decade (based on the ARIS survey), so it's reasonable to assume that your family members will wake up and get out eventually.

While the cult continues to crumble, you can help to bring about its demise simply by living a good and happy life. Showing that people on the 'outside' can make it removes another one of the obstacles that the "church" is trying to maintain.

Disconnection is an abomination, and no family members do it willingly. If nothing else, it should reinforce to you that you were right to get out... who knows, it might just as easily have been you being pressured to sever all ties with a family member... but you woke up first. You won't be the last.

 

[Royal Prince Xenu]

Sai,

Depending on the length of time you were "in", it can distort your view of the outside world into something big, evil, and unconfrontable.

Okay, so it is big, evil and unconfrontable, but you don't need a Scn mindset to realize that.

You are welcome at ESMB to make new friends, surrogate family. You're showing true family compassion by undertaking stay around to pick up the pieces when your brother finally wakes up--with the Internet, there is now a world-wide network of support to help you.

Maybe we should start WIESE ("wheaze"): World Institute of Ex-Scientologist Enterprises...?

 

[Mockingbird6]

LIVE YOUR LIFE.
QUOTE]

Hi Sai Ninja, well said.
I'm in the middle of one of these situations right now and I have also come to the conclusion that you have to live your life.

It is sad to see the look on the face of someone living behind the glass wall but I have been there and done exactly what they are doing now so I am not blaming them, and I know there will come a day when the glass breaks and they go, "Duh, where AM I?" just like it happened to me.

M6

 

[Wisened One]

Thank you for this insightful post, Sai!

to everyone who has helped me through this and given me good advice and kind words. at times, this is the only place i feel i can turn to.

my brother still isnt talking to me, in fact... he joined the sea org.


like... WHAT!?!? are f*#%ing kidding me??

i gave him my address via my parents and told them to tell him that i love him and wish him the best and that i am always going to be here for him anytime he wants to talk. i left it at that.

but all in all, the past 8 months have been harsh, and a real eye-opener to the reality of all of this. i thought i could skate by. foolish, i know, but i had hoped. anyway.. i'm just so done with the whole thing, i've said my part to my family, its on them now. i've done what i could, i've changed my own life for the better in the mean time, and there is nothing left to do but continue to improve and hope that one day they'll GET IT.

i spent a couple days a few weeks ago reading disconnection stories online, trying to find ones that may have had happy endings, reunited families. they are few and far between.

to those who are experiencing what i have gone through, dont let this get you down. dont let it sink you into apathy. dont succumb to them in the hopes of getting your family back. it is like trying to rehabilitate junkies without support, without taking their drug away. LIVE YOUR LIFE. if they dont wake up and realize what is more important, how many years of your life will you have wasted crying over them? begging them to see the light? struggling to find a workable middle ground? LIVE YOUR LIFE. its worth it to move forward, and be the best you can be. if for nothing else to have SOME kind of happiness...

this is what i have learned from this.. though i know its not over yet, its over for me. i'm done wasting my tears.

 

[pebbles]

I'm confused, too.
http://www.forum.exscn.net/showpost.php?p=347495&postcount=138
I'm also confused on why I cannot find any reply to your post.

AM:
I was confused too.
I clicked on the link you provided and THEN on the top right link (to view the thread.) When I read the replies- the quotes from "Sal" are under the username "Still In" (who I remember quite well.)

It appears as though StillIN is now Sal- who is now...out!
XO- Pebbles

 

[Zinjifar]

Once Sai got out she decided that Still In wasn't a good nick

In the meantime she's family

Zinj

 

[FinallyMe]

to everyone who has helped me through this and given me good advice and kind words. at times, this is the only place i feel i can turn to.

my brother still isnt talking to me, in fact... he joined the sea org.


like... WHAT!?!? are f*#%ing kidding me??
--- snip ---
this is what i have learned from this.. though i know its not over yet, its over for me. i'm done wasting my tears.

Bless you Sal, for coming as far as you have already, and our hopes are with you for the rest of the journey. I just wanted to be sure you've caught up with FinallyFree's story about her sister and, later, her Mom - there IS hope!

 

[He-man]

Sai Ninja 2000, smart ninja, will go far in life, I have this feeling of it. Just make sure the local crimelords dont munch too much on the brown paper bags and the nachos.

 

[SuperPowers]

Just a couple of words

on the road for Sai Ninja 2000. The Disconnection Shit is the cruel way of the "drug dealer" to say "no, you can't have it no more, until you obey our rules".

I have personally experienced those "withdrawel symptoms". And it's supposed to be hurtful to break free and have critical point of view.

I would recommend Jon Atack at http://home.snafu.de/tilman/j/tftrap.html who delivers a straightforward analysis on Hubbard and his work and how it relates to your personal freedom:

"Scientology uses manipulative recruiting techniques to heighten vulnerability, and falsely promises a solution for almost any problem. From the beginning, the new recruit is subjected to techniques which induce euphoria. The desire for this euphoric state can be ikened to a drug addiction, often rendering members all but incapable of critical thinking with regard to Scientology.

The Church of Scientology very rapidly comes to dominate the member, prohibiting contact with anyone hostile to the movement, and insisting that a huge conspiracy exists which is intent upon destroying Scientology. The mark of a fanatic is the inability to even consider evidence. Unfortunately most Scientologists simply close their eyes and ears to criticism. "

I really hope you stick with your personal freedom, 'cause it's not in that cult!

 

[Consensus]

The number of exes speaking out publicly is well beyond 1000 now. Many (maybe most) of them have endured disconnection. And there are hundreds of people who have 'reconnected', now that their loved ones have fled the cult.

Scientology makes people disconnect in order to scare people away from leaving. Turn it around on them. Those of you who suffer the direct effects of the disconnection policy should be doubly motivated to destroy the cult. Unless you're willing to once again subject yourself to the unethical behavior of DM, doing so is the only hope of seeing your loved ones again.

edit - there may be many 'apostates' who, feeling gyped, actively work to take down the organization that ripped them off. Scientology can successfully lead people otherwise uninformed about the organization to dismiss those persons as 'just bitter.' And there are thousands of anons who have never had a run-in with scientology, who only know about the abuses second-hand, and who suffer no negative effects of scientology themselves. These people are protesting en masse, actively working to assist those who and actively undermining the CoS's power base. But Anons have no personal stake, and thus can be dismissed. You are not an angry apostate. And you are not Anonymous (as they are, generally, otherwise disinterested persons who joined the battle merely 'for the lulz'). You are exactly the kind of voice that the media and politicians listen to. You have the power. Anon can provide blackup so long as their attention span is held - and they've lasted 2 years so far. But they can't win the war.

You guys can.

And it will never be easier to do so than today, with the gains made in the last 2 years, with the support of Anonymous, with the weakened power of DM, with the press we're getting and the government attention being paid. You are the only one that can win this, and there will be no better opportunity than now. No better opportunity to destroy the COS and take down DM. No better opportunity to reconnect with your loved ones.

 

[thetanic]

The number of exes speaking out publicly is well beyond 1000 now. Many (maybe most) of them have endured disconnection. And there are hundreds of people who have 'reconnected', now that their loved ones have fled the cult.

Or were thrown out.

I've met more people from ESMB than I ever met before, and I've met people I was in Scn with, which is, in its own way, even cooler.

 

[Sai Ninja 2000]

My stepmom sent me a formal disconnection letter last year. I was more angry than sad. It came on the heels of her trying to complete some sec check or auditing or some other kind of nonsense like that. I haven't heard from my brother in years. The last contact I had was a voicemail he left after he'd joined CMO and went off to Gold Base. He went on and on about how great everything was and how great he was doing, but it was creepy and off-sounding. I knew he was being listened to, I knew what he was really experiencing, and it broke my heart. His tone told a completely different story. I gave him my phone number and address through my father, at that time, in hopes that he would know there was always going to be someone "on the outside" who would help him if he ever wanted or needed to leave. I didn't say it in so many words but hoped the message was there in the back of his mind. I've never spoken badly to any of them about Scientology. I've wanted to but knew I couldn't. I tried once, in a round about way, to tell my dad about why I no longer agreed with anything the church was doing and his response was always, "Did you SEE it happen?" as in, "That's just third party entheta". There's no reasoning with them, and trying would only bring on more pain at the moment.

My dad didn't believe that he'd ever have to make a choice about disconnecting from me. That was something he'd communicated to me about 5 or 6 years ago. I told him then that it was an inevitability. He would eventually be made to choose between me and the church, and he didn't believe me. I still don't think he believes it. Like he doesn't think disconnection is really a thing even though his wife disconnected from me.

It's coming, I know it. I knew it then too. I knew it may not be then and there. Maybe not even 5, 10 years from then. But it will happen. There is no other conclusion to this story, that so many people have suffered through, this story of disconnection. If one family member decides it's time to go, and the others don't, it is inevitable. We'd all like to believe that family would choose family but we all know that doesn't always happen.

I'm just waiting at this point. Carefully treading water, avoiding talking about Scientology with my dad, who still uses the lingo and brings up nonsense that I just say "Ok" to and don't comment on how utterly fucking insane it sounds. But this question of him being asked to disconnect from me... it's coming. There will come a point in time when he wants to do something else on course or in session, or something. I know because it happened with my brother when he joined CMO. It was either disconnect from me or not be allowed to move forward. So he disconnected. And it happened with my stepmom, either disconnect from me or continue paying through the nose for sec checks and so on. So she disconnected too. At the moment, he's not doing anything "serious"; small intro courses and stuff like that. But the longer he stays connected to the org, the closer he gets to being "routed" onto something more serious, something where the subject of his blown, derailed daughter will come up and be an "obstacle" to his "progress". And then, he will have a decision to make, the decision he apparently thinks doesn't happen. And I can tell you, that if I were in his shoes, while it would be a very difficult decision, he will think about it logically, and pragmatically, and think about the choice between giving up everything he's known for the last 20 years, the love of this life, his family, his home, his friends, to simply stay in contact with his "estranged" daughter who lives hundreds of miles away. It's not hard to see which decision makes the most sense, especially when one truly believes that Scn is the answer.

When I left, he asked many times why didn't I just route off properly because he did it. He was a part-time FSM. He was basically a public volunteer in Div 6. He was rarely ever there, and was never posted anywhere. Of course it was easy for him. He wasn't the head of a whole department. He wasn't a full-time staff member. He doesn't understand that I took one look at the process to route off "properly" and knew I'd never get out if I went through with it. He doesn't understand that the route off form/process isn't meant to "handle" anything but to keep that staff member under the thumb of the org. He doesn't understand that I've moved on and the org hasn't. How many times do I have to answer the same questions from HCO personnel about "what went wrong". Ugh.

Anyway, the point is, this is an update post. I've lost yet another family member, and I've only got one left. He is the last holdout. A public, who's barely scratched the surface of what Scn really is, as you and I know it. If given the time to "run the course" of what seems to be the way most people begin to think, "What the F...", it could be years before he recognizes what I actually went through, if he ever does. I may never have the opportunity for a real conversation with him. I just hope I can hang on long enough to avoid losing him too.

 

[Free to shine]

I replied on your other thread and thanks for the update!

All we can do really is live our life as best we can, be authentic and kind. Our families may or may not come back and I take the view that they all have their own journeys in life, all we can do is live our own.

One day it will end, I will not give up that hope. Keep on keeping on Sai!

 

[Free Minds. Free Hearts]

Sai, I am so sorry. It sounds like you are doing the right thing and that is all you can do, not badmouthing the organization and trying to keep the communication open with your father. I don't know what else you could possibly do. My heart goes out to you. When my Sea Org family member disconnected from me ten years ago it hurt like hell, like a punch in the gut. I felt rejected, personally. He reconnected after 5 years but the threat is still there - it is like walking on eggshells talking to him.

 

[TrevAnon]

Sad story is sad.

Way too many disconnection stories: http://whyweprotest.wikia.com/wiki/...onnection_Policy_by_Former_Members_and_Others

 

[Miss Ellie]

I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. There are no words that will make it better from anyone but them.

Keep it light and positive with your dad... text/e-mail a funny photo, send a corny joke, share a good book you are reading... the good roads fair weather bit... you know the drill. Send on a regular basis and be pleased with a response but do not expect one.

If he brings anything up be honest and tell him you do not want to start a discussion that could end in disconnection.. you love him.

Build a life you are proud of and are willing to share with your brother, step-mom and the rest of the sciobot family. One day they will be out and need you and your world.

Here you are loved and accepted... we are not "that family" but we are "this family".

Hang in there with your eyes forward and your heart open...

 

[anon1]

My stepmom sent me a formal disconnection letter last year. I was more angry than sad. It came on the heels of her trying to complete some sec check or auditing or some other kind of nonsense like that. I haven't heard from my brother in years. The last contact I had was a voicemail he left after he'd joined CMO and went off to Gold Base. He went on and on about how great everything was and how great he was doing, but it was creepy and off-sounding. I knew he was being listened to, I knew what he was really experiencing, and it broke my heart. His tone told a completely different story. I gave him my phone number and address through my father, at that time, in hopes that he would know there was always going to be someone "on the outside" who would help him if he ever wanted or needed to leave. I didn't say it in so many words but hoped the message was there in the back of his mind. I've never spoken badly to any of them about Scientology. I've wanted to but knew I couldn't. I tried once, in a round about way, to tell my dad about why I no longer agreed with anything the church was doing and his response was always, "Did you SEE it happen?" as in, "That's just third party entheta". There's no reasoning with them, and trying would only bring on more pain at the moment.

My dad didn't believe that he'd ever have to make a choice about disconnecting from me. That was something he'd communicated to me about 5 or 6 years ago. I told him then that it was an inevitability. He would eventually be made to choose between me and the church, and he didn't believe me. I still don't think he believes it. Like he doesn't think disconnection is really a thing even though his wife disconnected from me.

It's coming, I know it. I knew it then too. I knew it may not be then and there. Maybe not even 5, 10 years from then. But it will happen. There is no other conclusion to this story, that so many people have suffered through, this story of disconnection. If one family member decides it's time to go, and the others don't, it is inevitable. We'd all like to believe that family would choose family but we all know that doesn't always happen.

I'm just waiting at this point. Carefully treading water, avoiding talking about Scientology with my dad, who still uses the lingo and brings up nonsense that I just say "Ok" to and don't comment on how utterly fucking insane it sounds. But this question of him being asked to disconnect from me... it's coming. There will come a point in time when he wants to do something else on course or in session, or something. I know because it happened with my brother when he joined CMO. It was either disconnect from me or not be allowed to move forward. So he disconnected. And it happened with my stepmom, either disconnect from me or continue paying through the nose for sec checks and so on. So she disconnected too. At the moment, he's not doing anything "serious"; small intro courses and stuff like that. But the longer he stays connected to the org, the closer he gets to being "routed" onto something more serious, something where the subject of his blown, derailed daughter will come up and be an "obstacle" to his "progress". And then, he will have a decision to make, the decision he apparently thinks doesn't happen. And I can tell you, that if I were in his shoes, while it would be a very difficult decision, he will think about it logically, and pragmatically, and think about the choice between giving up everything he's known for the last 20 years, the love of this life, his family, his home, his friends, to simply stay in contact with his "estranged" daughter who lives hundreds of miles away. It's not hard to see which decision makes the most sense, especially when one truly believes that Scn is the answer.

When I left, he asked many times why didn't I just route off properly because he did it. He was a part-time FSM. He was basically a public volunteer in Div 6. He was rarely ever there, and was never posted anywhere. Of course it was easy for him. He wasn't the head of a whole department. He wasn't a full-time staff member. He doesn't understand that I took one look at the process to route off "properly" and knew I'd never get out if I went through with it. He doesn't understand that the route off form/process isn't meant to "handle" anything but to keep that staff member under the thumb of the org. He doesn't understand that I've moved on and the org hasn't. How many times do I have to answer the same questions from HCO personnel about "what went wrong". Ugh.

Anyway, the point is, this is an update post. I've lost yet another family member, and I've only got one left. He is the last holdout. A public, who's barely scratched the surface of what Scn really is, as you and I know it. If given the time to "run the course" of what seems to be the way most people begin to think, "What the F...", it could be years before he recognizes what I actually went through, if he ever does. I may never have the opportunity for a real conversation with him. I just hope I can hang on long enough to avoid losing him too.

My sister disconnected from me last week. She had a chronic flu and did a 10 Aug and I came up as her item. She genuinely believes that I am the reason she can't get over her cold. Nothing to do with her immune system or anything scientific. Anyway so she called me out of the blue to 'reconnect'. I called bullshit on it. I knew she was calling for a reason. I found out from my other sister (who is no longer in) that that's why she was calling. To try to 'handle' me. I told her to stop being fake and that if she was doing a handling to just tell me. Don't play a player - I was in for years. Anyway I told her I don't like Scientology, I will never like it and that she is free to do it if she wants but to not enforce that lifestyle onto me. 24 hours later? BOOM, disconnection text. Luckily I don't feel sad because she's a gonner behind the eyes anyway.

I know she will never talk to me again because she's in so deep. So I'm not going to be sad about it. I'm lucky in that our other sister and my mum aren't in Scn so the disconnection thing is going to get a bit awkward for her at family gatherings. Hows that going to work??

I firmly believe (until proven otherwise by SCIENCE) that you live once. Today, tomorrow and then a few decades after that. Enjoy it. You could literally die tomorrow. Enjoy the people around you now, create your future. Your stepmother is completely brainwashed, there's no one there anymore. So focus on yourself and whoever you've got left.

Lots of love xxx

 

[AngeloV]

[snip]

I firmly believe (until proven otherwise by SCIENCE) that you live once. Today, tomorrow and then a few decades after that. Enjoy it. You could literally die tomorrow. Enjoy the people around you now, create your future.
[snip]

Lots of love xxx

Agree 100%. Find something you like to do and do it. Find people who are kindred spirits and have fun with them. And if you're really lucky, find a significant other you love and who loves you.

That's as good as it gets.

 

[He-man]

Oh Sai, what a ninja she was. Damn glad she got out of the mindfuck. God bless her heart and keep her warm.

Looks like Ima alla out of soap again.