Free to shine
Shiny & Free
I've been around here for quite a long time, and when I first arrived found great comfort in being able to tell my story and finding people who had lived similar situations. After decades of scio indoctrination dictating my responses to every situation in life, it took a long time to be able to stand back enough to be able to start spotting those automaticities. I did most of it alone, over a very long time and it was a very hard and slow process. The way I was raised and the way I lived most of my life always, always always had the immediate scientology 'filter' between me and the world as others saw it. Although aware of it, I felt it the right thing to keep peering through it, as I had been taught for so long. I worked a lot out for myself as I had no choice having been abandoned by the very thing that was supposed to help me.
For example, such simple things as immediately switching channels on tv should any bad news about scio come on, having my only real friends and acquaintances be scientologists because "no-one else understood", assigning someone mentally a label or a condition. Done without real thought or critical thinking, looking back shows me what a great deal of life that was right in front of me that I missed due to the prejudices.
And it IS prejudice of the most extreme kind, and I can see now how it is designed that way, thanks to threads here. Even if you should actually leave the organisation for a while after the odd ethics hiccup, looking elsewhere for solutions is short circuited before you have a chance to explore them, and you tended to end up back at Square One telling an Ethics officer why you were such a bad person.
I think if you allow yourself to start to look at other spiritual paths, you are well on the way to recovery.
So what happens if your view of life is so coloured by "how it should be" for your eternal salvation and the agonised future of every being on the planet, when the door is firmly closed? When you are chucked to the wolves/wogs in the real world to sink or swim? Told you are one of the small percent trying to destroy the world instead? I'm not talking about those who figured it out early on and walked, but those of us who were raised in scio or who for whatever reason spent 20/30/40 years under it's umbrella?
Well there are many stories here of how we coped as individuals. The distress, despair, self doubt and struggle to find ourselves again. Those stories need to be read as a first step, because not only do they inspire, they also shed light on HOW IT HAPPENS, how you can begin to seperate out from the 'circuits' that stop you thinking.
Then you discuss it.
And here's the crunch - we need to allow discussion of different viewpoints and to actually try and understand what others write even though internally you may be screaming "but you just don't understand!" or "everything you are saying is bullshit and why can't you see that (insert scio tech here) covers that!" We need to be willing to look and listen, to take a deep breath and begin to consider perhaps some of this could be valid.
Early on here I used to get upset at the constant Freezone and tech threads. I used to think "how can anyone possibly endlessly discuss that?" Yet I read quite a lot anyway and found some of the tech discussions actually did shed light on what had happened to me in auditing. The discussions on cognitive dissonance, TRs, indoctrination and most of all JARGON are invaluable insights into how we we ended up the way we did. It's an individual journey though and not one size fits all.
Arnie Lerma's 8 Steps out of Scientology is a valuable guide. Many people will stall on the later steps, and that's OK too - we do choose our futures and have a right to our beliefs.
I have said many times I am grateful for ESMB as it allowed me to shed those last lingering and very potent and hidden scio dictates on life. I have seen this board ebb and flow with different themes and personalities. As a new influx of exes arrive, the discussions change, the focus changes to the interests of those around at the time. Mini groups form of friends who cling to the familiar ways of thinking and shared real life experiences. It happens. Unfortunately sometimes that also means that the discussions become unbalanced, with those still seeing through scientology eyes drowning out the very pearls of wisdom that could show them a whole new world.
I wasn't going to do this, but for some reason this morning it seemed right. I have contributed a lot to this board and to the exscn site, in gratitude for being able to voice my thoughts. I have made some lovely friends and hopefully helped some along the way. However the current climate here is not nice and I find that I have little to add to discussions as it feels unsafe to disagree with the loudest posters. It will pass, it always does, but I have better things to do right now than watch another scientology inspired drama.
I really enjoyed bringing picket reports, media news, BFG stories and Anonymous info here for those who may have missed it elsewhere. I am sure someone can continue that for me. Scientology IS cracking apart and the crimes ARE being exposed at long last. People who are being tortured and hurt will be able to see daylight again and the and those held in thrall will have the spell broken and be able to see again. My heart cries for those who can't see they are still being manipulated, both "in" and "out" of scientology by it's very nature, yet I have also realised that as individuals we always have a choice and perhaps these very experiences will be what finally allows personal awareness.
It's not a matter of "graduating" or even "getting on with real life". There seems to be a current theme that it's actually not OK for some to post a lot, ie that means they are obsessed or don't have a life, yet celebrated when others reach a high post count. I think we all post exactly as much as we need and there should be no judgement on that. To do so is reducing conversation to stats, and we all know what that means.
Most of the dissention and upset I have seen on this board has originated with misunderstandings from those who are very hurt. Yes, it's not a "kindergarten", it's an internet site where people have been allowed to finally release some of the pain they have felt for a long time and to find a voice. If they are jumped on and attacked, then it is just a repeat of what they are trying to come to terms with from scientology, and it easily escalates into nastiness. Compassion for that true suffering in others, and empathy for the pain goes a long way towards our own healing and can ease any upsets if applied with kindness and patience.
Thankyou Lionheart and Headend (and Beyond Horizons) for helping me understand how to let go. Thankyou ABJ, Escalus, Nexus and numerous others for helping me learn how to write my feelings. Thankyou Pixie for your honesty and humour. Thankyou Neo for your courage, and to all those actually at the front lines doing something about it. Thankyou Tansy for reminding me that cynical humour can also be very funny at times and allowing me to laugh. Thankyou Schwimmy for your wonderful humour as well. Thankyou WO for your compassion and open heart, Tamasin for surviving and telling your story, the same for Twin A and Bea and all the many others. Thankyou Power Change, Olska and Knight Vision for daring to speak your truth. Hey, thanks even to the FZers who provided a bottom line to measure my progress away from scio against! Thankyou Emma for creating this board. Many I haven't mentioned, but you get my drift. What a wonderful mix of people I feel honoured to have met.
I'll be around somewhere... maybe... please be kind to each other.
FTS
For example, such simple things as immediately switching channels on tv should any bad news about scio come on, having my only real friends and acquaintances be scientologists because "no-one else understood", assigning someone mentally a label or a condition. Done without real thought or critical thinking, looking back shows me what a great deal of life that was right in front of me that I missed due to the prejudices.
And it IS prejudice of the most extreme kind, and I can see now how it is designed that way, thanks to threads here. Even if you should actually leave the organisation for a while after the odd ethics hiccup, looking elsewhere for solutions is short circuited before you have a chance to explore them, and you tended to end up back at Square One telling an Ethics officer why you were such a bad person.
I think if you allow yourself to start to look at other spiritual paths, you are well on the way to recovery.
So what happens if your view of life is so coloured by "how it should be" for your eternal salvation and the agonised future of every being on the planet, when the door is firmly closed? When you are chucked to the wolves/wogs in the real world to sink or swim? Told you are one of the small percent trying to destroy the world instead? I'm not talking about those who figured it out early on and walked, but those of us who were raised in scio or who for whatever reason spent 20/30/40 years under it's umbrella?
Well there are many stories here of how we coped as individuals. The distress, despair, self doubt and struggle to find ourselves again. Those stories need to be read as a first step, because not only do they inspire, they also shed light on HOW IT HAPPENS, how you can begin to seperate out from the 'circuits' that stop you thinking.
Then you discuss it.
And here's the crunch - we need to allow discussion of different viewpoints and to actually try and understand what others write even though internally you may be screaming "but you just don't understand!" or "everything you are saying is bullshit and why can't you see that (insert scio tech here) covers that!" We need to be willing to look and listen, to take a deep breath and begin to consider perhaps some of this could be valid.
Early on here I used to get upset at the constant Freezone and tech threads. I used to think "how can anyone possibly endlessly discuss that?" Yet I read quite a lot anyway and found some of the tech discussions actually did shed light on what had happened to me in auditing. The discussions on cognitive dissonance, TRs, indoctrination and most of all JARGON are invaluable insights into how we we ended up the way we did. It's an individual journey though and not one size fits all.
Arnie Lerma's 8 Steps out of Scientology is a valuable guide. Many people will stall on the later steps, and that's OK too - we do choose our futures and have a right to our beliefs.
I have said many times I am grateful for ESMB as it allowed me to shed those last lingering and very potent and hidden scio dictates on life. I have seen this board ebb and flow with different themes and personalities. As a new influx of exes arrive, the discussions change, the focus changes to the interests of those around at the time. Mini groups form of friends who cling to the familiar ways of thinking and shared real life experiences. It happens. Unfortunately sometimes that also means that the discussions become unbalanced, with those still seeing through scientology eyes drowning out the very pearls of wisdom that could show them a whole new world.
I wasn't going to do this, but for some reason this morning it seemed right. I have contributed a lot to this board and to the exscn site, in gratitude for being able to voice my thoughts. I have made some lovely friends and hopefully helped some along the way. However the current climate here is not nice and I find that I have little to add to discussions as it feels unsafe to disagree with the loudest posters. It will pass, it always does, but I have better things to do right now than watch another scientology inspired drama.
I really enjoyed bringing picket reports, media news, BFG stories and Anonymous info here for those who may have missed it elsewhere. I am sure someone can continue that for me. Scientology IS cracking apart and the crimes ARE being exposed at long last. People who are being tortured and hurt will be able to see daylight again and the and those held in thrall will have the spell broken and be able to see again. My heart cries for those who can't see they are still being manipulated, both "in" and "out" of scientology by it's very nature, yet I have also realised that as individuals we always have a choice and perhaps these very experiences will be what finally allows personal awareness.
It's not a matter of "graduating" or even "getting on with real life". There seems to be a current theme that it's actually not OK for some to post a lot, ie that means they are obsessed or don't have a life, yet celebrated when others reach a high post count. I think we all post exactly as much as we need and there should be no judgement on that. To do so is reducing conversation to stats, and we all know what that means.
Most of the dissention and upset I have seen on this board has originated with misunderstandings from those who are very hurt. Yes, it's not a "kindergarten", it's an internet site where people have been allowed to finally release some of the pain they have felt for a long time and to find a voice. If they are jumped on and attacked, then it is just a repeat of what they are trying to come to terms with from scientology, and it easily escalates into nastiness. Compassion for that true suffering in others, and empathy for the pain goes a long way towards our own healing and can ease any upsets if applied with kindness and patience.
Thankyou Lionheart and Headend (and Beyond Horizons) for helping me understand how to let go. Thankyou ABJ, Escalus, Nexus and numerous others for helping me learn how to write my feelings. Thankyou Pixie for your honesty and humour. Thankyou Neo for your courage, and to all those actually at the front lines doing something about it. Thankyou Tansy for reminding me that cynical humour can also be very funny at times and allowing me to laugh. Thankyou Schwimmy for your wonderful humour as well. Thankyou WO for your compassion and open heart, Tamasin for surviving and telling your story, the same for Twin A and Bea and all the many others. Thankyou Power Change, Olska and Knight Vision for daring to speak your truth. Hey, thanks even to the FZers who provided a bottom line to measure my progress away from scio against! Thankyou Emma for creating this board. Many I haven't mentioned, but you get my drift. What a wonderful mix of people I feel honoured to have met.
I'll be around somewhere... maybe... please be kind to each other.
FTS
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- you've been a major comtributor to what this board is and does. 
