Free to shine
Shiny & Free
This is so personal I may regret posting this yet I feel a need to. It's the only way I can say goodbye in a more public manner than just my own thoughts, and there are people here who may understand.
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The funeral for my ex husband and father of three children is starting to happen about now, and I can think of nothing to do except write. I have a candle burning to perhaps help light his path to some peace and comfort for goodness knows he had little enough in this life. I mean the true peace of knowing who you are and loving yourself for it. Not an easy thing to achieve for any of us and his only solace was that maybe one day … maybe … he could achieve the goals of the belief system he followed most of his life, the one that let him down so badly. He had nowhere else to turn.
I can feel the grief of my children like thunder and rain in my mind. The pendulum swings so far in one direction that damage, imperfections and reality are banished to the shadows as pronouncements of his almost sainthood light the day. Not unusual I know but very difficult for the one who knew him best and suffered the most.
My children have lost their father, one of the hardest things to ever face. My heart is broken for them and I have cried so much for their tender young adult hearts, yet I cannot stand by their side today. I think the hypocrisy would literally kill me. I hope that one day they can come to see me as a person, with compassion and maturity, and not as the mother who failed them, let them down because she couldn't put aside her own feelings to be there just for them. Not this time, I did it too often and I would do so in this instance at my own peril.
I cannot ask them to understand things they know nothing about, or have just a shadow glimpse that children have and is too daunting to face. It is not time for explanations. They will celebrate the good of the man, their father, and that is as it should be. I can only hope that sometime in the future the pendulum swings back from it's extreme to a more balanced view. Only time can do that, I know.
I wish him well on his journey. For a short time, all those years ago, we were as one … with the glorious goals of planetary salvage and a happy nuclear family to light our path in this world. I cry for the falseness of that dream and all it cost us over the three and a half decades we knew each other. If we are all connected, and part of a one-ness, then his experiences, and mine, can perhaps add an atom of understanding to humanity's need for love.
Fly high Ross, you are free.
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The funeral for my ex husband and father of three children is starting to happen about now, and I can think of nothing to do except write. I have a candle burning to perhaps help light his path to some peace and comfort for goodness knows he had little enough in this life. I mean the true peace of knowing who you are and loving yourself for it. Not an easy thing to achieve for any of us and his only solace was that maybe one day … maybe … he could achieve the goals of the belief system he followed most of his life, the one that let him down so badly. He had nowhere else to turn.
I can feel the grief of my children like thunder and rain in my mind. The pendulum swings so far in one direction that damage, imperfections and reality are banished to the shadows as pronouncements of his almost sainthood light the day. Not unusual I know but very difficult for the one who knew him best and suffered the most.
My children have lost their father, one of the hardest things to ever face. My heart is broken for them and I have cried so much for their tender young adult hearts, yet I cannot stand by their side today. I think the hypocrisy would literally kill me. I hope that one day they can come to see me as a person, with compassion and maturity, and not as the mother who failed them, let them down because she couldn't put aside her own feelings to be there just for them. Not this time, I did it too often and I would do so in this instance at my own peril.
I cannot ask them to understand things they know nothing about, or have just a shadow glimpse that children have and is too daunting to face. It is not time for explanations. They will celebrate the good of the man, their father, and that is as it should be. I can only hope that sometime in the future the pendulum swings back from it's extreme to a more balanced view. Only time can do that, I know.
I wish him well on his journey. For a short time, all those years ago, we were as one … with the glorious goals of planetary salvage and a happy nuclear family to light our path in this world. I cry for the falseness of that dream and all it cost us over the three and a half decades we knew each other. If we are all connected, and part of a one-ness, then his experiences, and mine, can perhaps add an atom of understanding to humanity's need for love.
Fly high Ross, you are free.
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Peace to you and yours.
