boonies
Patron
(Warning...I type VERY fast...and I'm not spellchecking 
)
Hello. I found this site I think in reading Counterfeit Dreams blog. I've been on a couple of other boards a tiny bit, but I think this is really where I should have come first. Okay, so I'm here.
I've read some posts and don't know really where to begin. So I figure I'll start with hello in the intro threads and go from there.
I don't think I even want to give my name yet.
I blew staff after 12 years full-full time in a very well-to-do mission that still exists and we catered to mostly doctors and dentists and the place was originally run by two OTs that I admire to this day (both off lines). I left in 1999 and neither of them were there then. As I recently posted elsewhere, I was a Grad V C/S and lots of other things from the bottom to the top of the org board and I was one of the original staff members and key to keeping the place going well. I even flew around and delivered Life Repairs to our long distance docs and their kids, etc. I sold whole Grade Charts, etc., literally everything you can think of.
Just in introducing myself, I want to say after reading all of Counterfeit Dreams, I'm in grief over it all. What really hit me was the reality of people I considered super-beings and admired so incredibly much were treated like the worst pestulant rodents. Snared in traps. Poisoned but kept alive. Denegrated to such dispicable levels.
When I first left, the things I read that were anti-Scn I think ARC broke me too badly...the vehement spewings against people like ME. I was already spinning and confused and I got more confused so decided to leave it alone and focus my attention elsewhere, like on my kids and on living a life outside scn. My entire thrust and purpose in life was gung hu forward in one direction and I decided pretty quickly to change course, but I didn't (and really still don't) have a clue as to what course I'm on.
Because I am goal oriented and really not moving forward, I came again to the internet to try to sort out where I'm headed and how.
I think I've found the right place, because what I didn't ever do and haven't really wanted to do was resolve or sort out that past.
Just leaving doesn't give you a fresh start.
In fact, if I step back a bit, I think I've been more enturbulated since leaving than I had been for a very long time, just in different ways.
Being part of staff and doing the things I did WAS a very selfless 3rd dynamic drive for me and helping people WAS the reason I was there and did what I did. Why I left was not because I wasn't helping people. I was. And for whatever reason, I WAS helping people. I have a hard time believing someone who generalizes and says "it doesn't work" as I did see it work. I did see things that didn't work too, don't get me wrong, I'm not an idiot, but in the main and for the most part, at our mission level, it was great.
Very capable beings, together in a group are capable of great things, no matter what technology they use to accomplish that. And our group was made up of some people that were succesful outside of scn and some that weren't necessarily.
And some like me, who went from having their head screwed on backwards having grown up in a completely dysfunctional family and who were in utter confusion, to at least facing forward, releasing the demons of the past, making actual changes in lifestyle and gaining some moral integrity.
I was trying to wade through my dysfunctional state in college and majoring in psychology to do this and very quickly found it to be extremely dysfunctional itself. If some other technology could have gotten me to this state...I really don't know. I was raised Catholic and went to an elite Catholic girls school that was touted to be the best. I did the Minister's course and I later have looked into some things, and although their philosophies say they eventually lead you to that, they lacked any organized way to get there.
I needed an organized way to get there. I needed someone to pull my ass in and get in comm with me and put me on a path to betterment. I was completely floundering and there is no doubt that I was spiraling down that big sewage drain of life. My younger brother got sucked down that drain and was dead at 20. My best relief pre-scn was alcohol and chic drugs...the only way I knew to get any kind of release. I was not addicted to either.
So, is someone going to tell me that what I witnessed was bullshit? Is someone going to tell me it was all for nought? Is someone going to tell me I am not a completely and totally different person from who I was then? Is someone going to tell me I was brainwashed into believing things that aren't true? I can't have that. Truth is truth, right?
I am trying to sort this out as I write, with the hope of dealing with the past and moving forward. I feel sort of like a non-being, like I've been non-existent because like everyone who leaves, I became a "non-being" to my dearest friends, truly good people that I loved deeply. They had to become non-beings, in a sense, to me. These were the people I had my babies with, all my time on post and socially was spent with them.
I can't tell my 2D this stuff really. I certainly don't want to dump on my kids...who are doing awesome, by the way and are incredible beings themselves since I've mostly focused my energy on their lives. The biggest part of my reason for leaving...
But, I still feel this huge loss, gaping hole and emptiness on the third dynamic.
)Hello. I found this site I think in reading Counterfeit Dreams blog. I've been on a couple of other boards a tiny bit, but I think this is really where I should have come first. Okay, so I'm here.
I've read some posts and don't know really where to begin. So I figure I'll start with hello in the intro threads and go from there.
I don't think I even want to give my name yet.
I blew staff after 12 years full-full time in a very well-to-do mission that still exists and we catered to mostly doctors and dentists and the place was originally run by two OTs that I admire to this day (both off lines). I left in 1999 and neither of them were there then. As I recently posted elsewhere, I was a Grad V C/S and lots of other things from the bottom to the top of the org board and I was one of the original staff members and key to keeping the place going well. I even flew around and delivered Life Repairs to our long distance docs and their kids, etc. I sold whole Grade Charts, etc., literally everything you can think of.
Just in introducing myself, I want to say after reading all of Counterfeit Dreams, I'm in grief over it all. What really hit me was the reality of people I considered super-beings and admired so incredibly much were treated like the worst pestulant rodents. Snared in traps. Poisoned but kept alive. Denegrated to such dispicable levels.
When I first left, the things I read that were anti-Scn I think ARC broke me too badly...the vehement spewings against people like ME. I was already spinning and confused and I got more confused so decided to leave it alone and focus my attention elsewhere, like on my kids and on living a life outside scn. My entire thrust and purpose in life was gung hu forward in one direction and I decided pretty quickly to change course, but I didn't (and really still don't) have a clue as to what course I'm on.
Because I am goal oriented and really not moving forward, I came again to the internet to try to sort out where I'm headed and how.
I think I've found the right place, because what I didn't ever do and haven't really wanted to do was resolve or sort out that past.
Just leaving doesn't give you a fresh start.
In fact, if I step back a bit, I think I've been more enturbulated since leaving than I had been for a very long time, just in different ways.
Being part of staff and doing the things I did WAS a very selfless 3rd dynamic drive for me and helping people WAS the reason I was there and did what I did. Why I left was not because I wasn't helping people. I was. And for whatever reason, I WAS helping people. I have a hard time believing someone who generalizes and says "it doesn't work" as I did see it work. I did see things that didn't work too, don't get me wrong, I'm not an idiot, but in the main and for the most part, at our mission level, it was great.
Very capable beings, together in a group are capable of great things, no matter what technology they use to accomplish that. And our group was made up of some people that were succesful outside of scn and some that weren't necessarily.
And some like me, who went from having their head screwed on backwards having grown up in a completely dysfunctional family and who were in utter confusion, to at least facing forward, releasing the demons of the past, making actual changes in lifestyle and gaining some moral integrity.
I was trying to wade through my dysfunctional state in college and majoring in psychology to do this and very quickly found it to be extremely dysfunctional itself. If some other technology could have gotten me to this state...I really don't know. I was raised Catholic and went to an elite Catholic girls school that was touted to be the best. I did the Minister's course and I later have looked into some things, and although their philosophies say they eventually lead you to that, they lacked any organized way to get there.
I needed an organized way to get there. I needed someone to pull my ass in and get in comm with me and put me on a path to betterment. I was completely floundering and there is no doubt that I was spiraling down that big sewage drain of life. My younger brother got sucked down that drain and was dead at 20. My best relief pre-scn was alcohol and chic drugs...the only way I knew to get any kind of release. I was not addicted to either.
So, is someone going to tell me that what I witnessed was bullshit? Is someone going to tell me it was all for nought? Is someone going to tell me I am not a completely and totally different person from who I was then? Is someone going to tell me I was brainwashed into believing things that aren't true? I can't have that. Truth is truth, right?
I am trying to sort this out as I write, with the hope of dealing with the past and moving forward. I feel sort of like a non-being, like I've been non-existent because like everyone who leaves, I became a "non-being" to my dearest friends, truly good people that I loved deeply. They had to become non-beings, in a sense, to me. These were the people I had my babies with, all my time on post and socially was spent with them.
I can't tell my 2D this stuff really. I certainly don't want to dump on my kids...who are doing awesome, by the way and are incredible beings themselves since I've mostly focused my energy on their lives. The biggest part of my reason for leaving...
But, I still feel this huge loss, gaping hole and emptiness on the third dynamic.
First, let's come up with a better "calling name" - OK? What name did you envy when you were a little girl? I like "Faye" which can also be "Fey" - but hey! it's your choice...
"We" are always here for you. 
lets keep that, OK 
