Right.
I am going to try and explain myself here as I feel like I have created a little bit of confusion and upset for some of you and that was not my intention at all.
Firstly to those who enjoyed what I wrote and have said so, thank you. It would appear that a side effect of what I have experienced is the ability to express myself freely and writing has become a pleasant and rewarding activity, along with public speaking both of which used to have me in a state of panic if I had to do them. Now I love to do both.
AngeloV: Yes it was mushy and you have inadvertently touched on one of the reasons why I only gave clues instead of simply telling you what I went through.
Pebbles: Yes I am silly. And I love being silly, it is fun! So I’m going to tease you here. There is no book! (I’ll explain in a minute though)x
Lucretia: Thank you. I think you understand almost exactly what I was trying to say. Everyone can be touched and changed, sometimes very deeply by life. But to truly do so they have to be themselves first. The more they are themselves the more life will touch them, and maybe vice versa?
Sharone Stainforth: Thank you. Thank you for writing those letters. And thank you for surviving all that you have. You’re story has touched me a great deal. We know each other and I have felt your pain more than most. You are a true fighter and I have an immense amount of respect for you. That is a good title for a book by the way; A Spaced Out Oddity… a comedy perhaps? Dark though the subject matter is. I hope you read this post. And if you have any further questions please feel free to PM me.
Cherished: Thank you for doing the google search and posting what you found. Again you have helped me to explain why I have only left clues for everyone. The Elixir of Love is an amazing book. Shaikh was an amazing man and a good tailor and his story is a profound and valuable one. It is not however the book I mentioned and I haven’t even read it myself. What I stated was that there is a book about the experience I went through. It is not written by the tailor I mentioned. He never wrote a book. But thank you for the quote you posted. It is beautiful.
WildKat: I apologize for annoying you. And I am glad you want to watch Invictus now. You will enjoy it I promise. I hope to undo that annoyance you have with this post so bear with me if you can.
Mockingbird6: Thank you. What you describe is exactly the place I was at for many, many years. I hope you read this post and find what I have found soon. And thank you for reminding me to re-read To Kill a Mockingbird. Such a beautiful story, there was so much truth in there. It’s sad that she only wrote the one book. But what a book eh?
BliP: Now isn’t that the million dollar question? “What would inspire a mind to create a system wherein a 12-year-old must send his own father to prison – and be commended for it? Now here’s a question for you. Wouldn’t you just love to know exactly what inspired that mind? Wouldn’t you just love to know how the fuck one man could set out to apparently help the world and yet create a movement that is closer to George Orwell’s 1984 or the Third Reich? Wouldn’t it be great to finally understand how the hell all this crap that we have been through came about in the first place? I don’t want to upset or offend you in anyway and I really hope I don’t but there is an answer to that question. I could tell you my version of that answer now but you would not believe me. There is an answer though. And you already know it. All of you do. But you might need some help realizing it as I did.
So I’ve left my reply to FoTi for last as I feel I did not give you a very good explanation to your original question. I am going to do my very best to explain myself now. So this last bit is for FoTi and anyone else who had the same question.
It’s a little long winded but it needs to be, so bare with me if you can.
FoTi’s question was this;
Why the mystery about the title of the book? If it was so valuable to you, why wouldn't you share it with others here?
Here is my answer;
About 6 years ago I was sat with a friend playing video games, drinking and smoking various forms of leaf like it was our last day on earth. We were having a great time but he suddenly looked up at me and said ‘we really should stop smoking you know.’
I looked at the white thing between my fingers. ‘yeah, you’re probably right.’
‘Why don’t we quit after tonight’ he said.
‘It’s not that easy dude, believe me I’ve tried, patches, cold turkey, you name it. Nothing works.’
He smiled at me. ‘Actually I think I’ve found something that might work.’
‘Yeah right.’
‘No really, it’s this book. I’ve been reading it and it makes sooo much sense. The next chapter is the one I where I have to smoke my last cigarette’.
‘What the fuck are you on about?’ I said.
‘Look forget it, I’m going to quit smoking tomorrow okay.’
‘yeah alright man, anyway I’m kicking you’re ass here, you might wanna stop talking shite and pay attention.’
I forgot about this conversion until a few months later when I saw my friend again and he had indeed stopped smoking. Wow I thought, he really did it, I was really impressed. We were both serious chain smokers and for him to just stop like that was a little surreal. So I asked him how he did it and he told me that he did exactly what he told me that night. He read the next chapter of his book and smoked his last cigarette. He then finished reading the book and he hasn’t had the desire for a cigarette since. No pangs, no withdrawal symptoms, nothing. Fuck it I thought. I better read this book. So I asked him if I could borrow it and he told me I could not.
‘What?’
‘Sorry, you’ll have to buy your own.’
‘You already gave it to someone else?’
‘No, it’s right there.’ He pointed to it on his bookshelf.
‘Whatever man, can I borrow it or not?’
‘No.’
‘Okay, WTF? Why not?’
‘You just can’t.’
‘Dude, don’t be a dick. I want to stop smoking now and it obviously worked for you so I’d like to read it. What is your problem? Don’t you want me to stop smoking too?’
‘Course I would and I really hope you do, I really do but I can’t lend you my book. You really have to go and buy your own.’
I got feed up at this point and the conversation moved on to other stuff. But I was really pissed off that he wouldn’t lend me the book and I thought fuck it, I’ll just nick it, read it and put it back without him noticing.
A few weeks later he rang me and asked how it was going.
‘Great thanks, you?’
‘No, how’s it going with the book?’
Shit. I had taken it that day and it was sitting next to the bed. I hadn’t read a single page.
‘The book?’
‘Dude, I know you took it.’
‘Ah… Yeah, about tha..’
‘It’s okay, if you wanted it that bad maybe you don’t need to buy it.’
‘Sorry man, I really want to read it and I just didn’t understand why you wouldn’t let me borrow it.’
‘And how many pages have you read?’
‘Um… well...’
‘You haven’t even started have you.’
‘No.’
‘That’s why I wanted you to buy the book.’
‘Huh?’
‘If you had gone out and bought the book you would be reading it right now.’
Shit. He had a point. I borrowed it and it didn’t cost me anything. I had not taken the time to order it or gone to the shop and paid my money for it and I had nothing invested in my getting a hold of it.
‘Wow, that’s pretty deep dude.’
‘No, not really. He talks about it in the book. Look, do me a favor. Read the fucking book. If you don’t I will be really offended. I don’t care if you stole it from me. I do care if you spend the rest of your life wanting to stop smoking and never doing so.’
I sent him his book back that day and I went and bought my own. Then I read it. The author did indeed talk about the reason why it is important for everyone to buy the book themselves and why this can make the difference between reading the book and actually then no longer smoking or not.
I stopped smoking two weeks later after getting to the chapter where you smoke the last cigarette. I still have the book. And if anyone asks to borrow it I think you know what I say to them.
If you’re interested the book is called The Easy Way to Stop Smoking and the author is Allan Carr.
Now by my not telling you the name of the book or who it is about or anything at all about what I have recently experienced I have gone much, much further than my friend did. At least he told me the name of the book and who wrote it. So why won’t I at least tell you that.
Well what if I told you that the name of the book was “The Easy Way to Love Yourself, the World and be Truly Happy for the Rest of Your Life” written by Jonathan Swift in 1967.
How many self help books have been written? 1000 perhaps? How many have you heard of? 100? How many have you bought? 20 perhaps? How many have you started reading? 10? And how many have you finished reading? 5? 3? 1? None?
What is one more book recommended by some guy called life in blue on an ex-cult forum? If I handed the book to you now would you actually read it? And even if you did, it would just be a book with words that you would read and probably nod your head in agreement but then finish and go back to your life as it was.
What I have given you a clue too is not a book. The book I mentioned is about what I did to get were I am now. It was something I experienced, I lived it, I felt it and I emerged from it stripped bare of everything that wasn’t me.
I have bought around 50 self help books, started reading about 20 and finished about 10. Two of them I can remember the title of now and have made a significant, if small, difference in my life. But no book can give you yourself back.
Allan Carr’s point in saying that you cannot just give his book to someone was simply this; unless that person really wants to stop smoking he will not do so, no matter what he reads. One of the ways a person can prove this to himself and ensure he sees his wish through is to invest some part of his life in pursuing that goal. Whether that is his time or his money is not important. It is the fact that he has proved to HIMSELF that this is what he wants. There are some interesting psychological mechanisms at work when you do this but essentially it is just human nature. Why does someone else’s sandwich always taste better? It’s the same sandwich as yours. The difference is that you really want to try the other one and that makes it seem like it tastes better. The mind is a powerful thing. Your own mind is the most powerful thing you possess. If you make use of it, it can give you all that you dream of. This is something I truly understand now.
So, in summary here is the answer to your question.
I cannot tell you anymore than I have because for you to get what I now have you will really have to want it. And I mean really want it. That desire will lead you there. I promise you it will. But you will only get there if you prove to yourself that you want it. I cannot do this for you. No one can. You will understand this if and when you get there.
And as I said before I can freely accept that some of you do not need to go on that journey. But for those that do I hope you understand what I am saying here.
I’ll leave you with one last little story. Hopefully it will explain why I really wanted what I eventually found.
A few years ago I was riding my motorbike down the freeway in the outside lane. The traffic began to slow down as the two outside lanes merged into one. I was doing about 50mph. To my right was the concrete divider and to my left the lane was getting smaller as it merged into the lane I was in.
A black SUV started to drift towards me from the lane on the left and I moved to my right reactively before realizing I had nowhere to go. I slowed down and looked to my left to see a man and his girlfriend laughing at me as they continued to drift towards me. I probably had about 5 seconds before I would be forced to either hit the wall or hit their vehicle. I slammed on the brakes, as best I could with a bike, and let them go ahead of me.
I was physically shaking (which is not a good thing when you need your arms to keep you upright). I was in complete shock. I thought I was about to get crushed or at best dump the bike and slide down the road until I stopped. And they were laughing?! My shock turned into rage.
I stayed behind the SUV for a few seconds trying to compose myself. I started to imagine what I would do if I had some sort of James Bond bike with rocket launchers attached to the front or huge steel blades that I could activate and ride past the SUV cutting it to pieces. I was desperate to get them back. I thought about it for a minute all the while in a blind rage. Then I figured out what I could do.
I gradually got closer and then squeezed between the traffic with the SUV on my right. I pulled up so I could look at the two of them. They were still laughing at me. I gave them a wave. They gave me the finger. I smiled back. Then I took my right hand off the throttle very quickly and with one almighty punch I smashed their wing mirror clean off. I grabbed the throttle again and looked back at them. Their eyes were popping out of their heads and they weren’t laughing anymore.
I gave them the most vicious and emphatic finger I have ever done since or before and ripped my 1200cc V-twin engine apart speeding off before they could begin to give me chase.
That was then.
Two days ago, the day I wrote my original post, a very similar thing happened.
Freeway again riding through a construction area with all the usual reduced speed limits. This time someone tried to get me out of the way from behind. I was doing the speed limit as most everyone else was but this guy was in a real hurry and was honking and tail- gaiting his way through the congestion. I have a loud bike and as such I never heard his honks. I just felt his bumper when he hit me from behind. At speed.
Again I was shaking and I was in shock, but I was okay. At that particular moment there was nowhere for me to go. There were only two lanes and the other lane was full of 18 wheelers. And the lanes were reduced on account of the construction so I couldn’t just let him pass either. So I was kind of stuck and I decided to try and get him to stay back by waving my left hand in a pushing away type motion. He didn’t like this of course and proceeded to keep getting very, very close behind me.
I kept as far away as I could without getting too close to the car in front and when there was a gap for me I moved into it as quick as I could.
As the car passed, another SUV, I looked over and saw two middle aged women singing and bouncing up and down with three children in the back seat.
I smiled at them and waved at the kids. They looked at me like I was some sort freak and gave me the bird (again!).
Now I was shocked and I was angry inside but I felt no need to express it to them. In fact I was genuinely concerned for their own safety and when I got home I rang the highway patrol and reported what I witnessed as well as their license plate. Hopefully they will get a visit or phone call and in the future think twice about driving so dangerously. Hopefully.
So I am in a good place these days as you can see but think about the first bit for a sec. Smashing someone’s wing mirror off in the middle of a freeway is a seriously dangerous thing to do. I could have killed someone, I could have gotten myself killed. That was the place I was in before. I was desperate. And I was tired of being desperate. And I was tired of being tired. I had tried everything, other religions, books, drugs, therapists, the lot. But I got there in the end because I wanted to. I needed to. And I proved it too myself by finding it myself.
If someone had told me that all I needed to do was go to this one guy and do a few silly things with a few other people and everything would be okay…
Well, I would have just laughed at them and kept walking.
So I say again.
The clues I gave you are all I can say. You will find it if you need it.
I hope that answers your question.
And I dearly, dearly hope you understand me now.
I will leave you again but with all the love and light there is.
And as ever may the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows.
One last thing before I go though.
If you have time listen to this song, written by Noel Gallagher. It is often claimed that it was written for Gallagher's then-girlfriend, Meg Mathews (Gallagher married Mathews in 1997; the couple divorced four years later). The song was not about her at all, but he felt he had to go along with the rumour, saying ‘The meaning of that song was taken away from me by the media who jumped on it. How do you tell your wife it's not about her once she's read it is? It's a song about an imaginary friend who's gonna come and save you from yourself.’
He was both right and wrong. That friend is not imaginary. It is you. But it is a beautiful song nonetheless. And the lyrics say everything I’d like to say to you. Really listen to them if you can, just replace one word when he sings it. That word is me.
And it should be you.
Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hzrDeceEKc
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