I wish I could read German so that I could read this book!
Nicole honey, I think you answered your own question.
People get addicted to or obsessed with doing Scientology just like any other "habit". People who are in recovery often have relapses...less and less the more time and mental/emotional healing work has transpired between now and their actively pursuing their addiction.
The TR's "condition" you, as in hypnosis. The Love-bombing floods you with Oxytocin, which makes you want to bond with the group and stay with them. Even when things get rough later, you want to chase that emotional high and recapture the feeling...thinking that is the natural state of the group, not realizing that you were being handled and processed, that it was all part of an elaborate Con Job to get you to join up and entrain with the group.
All of the "inspeak" jargon, rules, hierarchy, culture, etc. is meant to indoctrinate you into a cult. And it's very effective if a person is unaware of what is happening!
All the levels and steps and books and dvds and lectures make you feel like you are REALLY learning something, gaining something...although it is all esoteric, ephemeral knowledge, which separates you even further from reality and the rest of humanity, and drags you deeper inside the cult. (Except for maybe Les Dane's hard sell sales tactics text- which was bootlegged [pirated].)
The auditing gives you attention, and you get to think about and talk about yourself, relieve stress and feel as if someone is really seeing and hearing you and that you are resolving real issues in your life (often this does happen, although at a terrible price to your life compared with other forms of "counseling", but often it is an illusion). You can have the same wins and even better ones with almost any form of real world counseling, and for a fraction of the cost in money, time, physical health and social sacrifices that you must make to be a part of the cult.
It's not too wrong for any Ex member of a cult to think of themselves as a recovering addict, or even to learn a little bit about the mechanisms of addiction. Re-stimulation, as you put it, happens and so does relapse when one is in recovery. (I'm sorry if my saying this offends anyone, I mean no offense to you, just drawing a parallel to similar problems in life.)
In a very real sense, all former Cult survivors are still in recovery, although the urgency of any feelings of attraction to the addictive group does greatly recede and fade with time...some of the old-timers can tell you that it takes years to get free of deep conditioning and lay down new thought patterns for the old ones.
You HAVE been conditioned, Nicole, to feel, think and react to certain stimulus in the way the Cult wanted you to. That conditioning still effects people sometimes after they physically leave the group. I think if you examine it, that is what you are experiencing here, after reading about the other woman's diary-like experiences and remembering your own.
That indoctrination includes the thought that you as a human being are broken (finding your "ruin") and need Scientology processing to "fix" you, and that the world is a degraded place and there is no hope and no future for anyone outside of the cult. Those implanted feelings, concepts and motivators need to be consciously examined and addressed and dismissed, sometimes over and over again, for you or any Ex to really get fully free of the cult's influence. Scientology is a doomsday cult, really. A GREAT deal of time, indoctrination training, money and energy is spent in keeping members from leaving and recovering them when they do leave (even to the point of physical kidnappings and unlawful restraints).
You have been indoctrinated and conditioned to be easily re-stimulated along these lines. I've talked with many Exes who struggle with this, especially for the first couple of years being out, especially when they are not getting any counseling or help with recovering from their cult experience. Counseling really helps to get a handle on this. Even just the informal counseling of talking things over with folks here who care and have similar issues or have gone through what you are going through now...
What you are thinking and feeling is perfectly normal for what you have been through. It will pass! Stay calm and take good care of yourself, nurture yourself a bit more than usual... stay focused on what currently is good in your life, and these thoughts and feelings will fade into the past. There will be a time when they don't come up for you as strongly, or as much.
Exes have described it to me in this way: "the indoctrination comes off of you in layers"...over time. It all takes time, Nicole, so please be patient with yourself.
But understand that you are not the same person you were Nicole, before your cult experience. No one is, really. Just acknowledge that quiet fact about your life. Being in a cult is a life-changing, personality changing, disruptive life experience. Give yourself a lot of credit for getting out of the trap and doing as well as you are, whatever your life circumstances! Be patient with yourself...you are healing. Your present task is to learn and grow from this experience of having been a part of this particular cult to the maximum of your own individuality as you put the experience behind you and move forward into creating a great life for yourself, and for your family and friends. You can do it.
Writing about your feelings here and talking things over with other Exes who have also been there and done that is one of the wisest things you can possibly do. I applaud your good sense in wanting to talk about your perceptions and feelings about this issue.
If you haven't already found some real world counseling that you feel is helping you, please try it, and keep trying until you find the right fit for you. I would recommend that for all survivors of cults, in general.
Best Wishes to you, dear heart! You deserve a very happy life!
