Nicole

[Nicole]

The last weeks I made a little ESMB break... I thought about me, my childhood, my father and Cof$...

I don't know how to start...:confused2:

My name is Nicole Scheffler... I wrote in the past about my father and his connection to Cof$. But I didn't wrote everything... My father was a Scientologist. My parents divorced as I was 10 years old and I lived with my mother. My father met a woman and he got Scientologist as I was 10... During my visits (every second weekend and the holidays) I lived in a Scientology world. I went with him to the Org etc... At the moment I can't remember everything. Some memories are good, but some other fear me...

In my childhood I lived in two worlds. The Scientology world and the "Normal" world. My mother didn't like the Scientology part of my personality and I learned very good to hide it. But I always searched Scientologist in the normal world. I did never find one... I believed very long in the Scientology shit, until I was ca. 22. Cof$ used my ability to live in two worlds to spy critics. I analyzed them and I gave the informations my father. But the contact to the critics feed my doubts and I started to live more and more in the normal world... I build my live etc. The only Scientology contact was when I talked with my father. But inside me did the Scientologist never die, I hide this part of my personality... My father died in 2008 and 2010 I got fairgamed... The Scientology part of my personaltity grew after the dead of my father again. I can't really explain why it happen. I was feared, very feared...

In the last days I looked at me and I decided that I have to be me again...

Now Cof$ would say I am a Liar... Should they do...



In the last time I made some stupid postings and I want to apologize...

May be the admins can change my name sauerlaenderin into Nicole, I don't want to hide anymore...

 

[Stat]

Welcome, Nicole.
I hope some day soon, I will post something similar...
Peace, Stat.
P.S. You are loved.

 

[Jump]

Beautiful

Hi Nicole,

Thank you so much for that story - I think i have something in my eye...

Your English isn't perfect, but it is beautiful. A child brought up in such a controlling group has a hard time. Having to be two people and hide half of yourself is something that can make you very alone.

I am happy that you have come to understand and tell about this time

 

[Ogsonofgroo]

Peace sister , I don't think you have a problem to explain too much, but many here will understand and personally, always liked you and probably always will, so there, now go and live!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHVVZCzlkEI

 

[NCSP]

If I understand what you're saying in your post correctly, it took some balls to write that. (I mean that in a good way.) Congratulations!

I've tended to notice that most exes have some guilt they carry with them over things they've done while in. While it's important to acknowledge what one has done, and to make amends if possible, it's also important not to let guilt get in the way of your recovery. One of the things that makes ex-Scientologists and current Scientologists such interesting people, in my opinion, is that the community is made up of flawed heroes -- and villains who are also victims. Nothing is simple, and no one is either unblemished or unworthy of compassion.

No matter what you did, if you're honest about it, I think you'll find forgiveness here. (Sorry if that's presumptuous.)

 

[anonomog]

Hello Nicole!

 

[Mystic]

Hi Nicole! I love your honesty.

 

[Stat]

Hi Nicole! I love your honesty.

So am I.
Hug, Nicole.
Things will be fine.
You have friends.

 

[Emma]

May be the admins can change my name sauerlaenderin into Nicole, I don't want to hide anymore...

No problem Nicole.

 

[Stat]

No problem Nicole.

So cool.

 

[Panda Termint]

Welcome back, Nicole.

 

[SchwimmelPuckel]

The last weeks I made a little ESMB break... I thought about me, my childhood, my father and Cof$...

I don't know how to start...:confused2:

My name is Nicole Scheffler... I wrote in the past about my father and his connection to Cof$. But I didn't wrote everything... My father was a Scientologist. My parents divorced as I was 10 years old and I lived with my mother. My father met a woman and he got Scientologist as I was 10... During my visits (every second weekend and the holidays) I lived in a Scientology world. I went with him to the Org etc... At the moment I can't remember everything. Some memories are good, but some other fear me...

In my childhood I lived in two worlds. The Scientology world and the "Normal" world. My mother didn't like the Scientology part of my personality and I learned very good to hide it. But I always searched Scientologist in the normal world. I did never find one... I believed very long in the Scientology shit, until I was ca. 22. Cof$ used my ability to live in two worlds to spy critics. I analyzed them and I gave the informations my father. But the contact to the critics feed my doubts and I started to live more and more in the normal world... I build my live etc. The only Scientology contact was when I talked with my father. But inside me did the Scientologist never die, I hide this part of my personality... My father died in 2008 and 2010 I got fairgamed... The Scientology part of my personaltity grew after the dead of my father again. I can't really explain why it happen. I was feared, very feared...

In the last days I looked at me and I decided that I have to be me again...

Now Cof$ would say I am a Liar... Should they do...

In the last time I made some stupid postings and I want to apologize...

May be the admins can change my name sauerlaenderin into Nicole, I don't want to hide anymore...

Hmm.. I never thought you wrote stupid posts..

Are you telling us you were a spy for CoS?

Heheh.. I find that kind'a cute really.

Anyway's, I did tell you once that the word is 'scared', not 'feared'

 

[skollie]

Welcome Nicole - I'm sure you will find forgiveness.

 

[Nicole]

Thank you very much for the nice welcome back.

...and Schwimmel I was scared ... today too...:wink2:

I was from ca. 1992 until ca. 1996 a spion for Cof$. I worked in an authority that was very much against Cof$. They had made a consortium (working group, Arbeitsgemeinschaft) against Scientology, because Cof$ wanted to open there a Mission... and I spied the people (critics)... but until today isn't there a Mission... It was the time as Germany started to discuss about observing Scientology (with the intelligence service)...

My personal result was (after I stopped spying) that I financed with that work there my studying (social education) and my thesis against Cof$ and my first very little flat... I met my husband, we got children and everything was nice and fine. Until 2008....

The Scientologist in me awaked. I missed something. If there wouldn't have been my family, I wouldn't write here. ...and yes I started to spy again, they made me crazy, I didn't know who I was and what I did... They pushed my old buttons and I was very scared. They talked with my kids on the street. Neighbours called me... They followed me. I wanted that it stop ...

 

[Infinite]

Scientology - working to bring the worst out in all of us.

Welcome back Nicole. Tell us what happened, when you're ready. It might help others.

 

[Pooks]

Using your real name is a huge step. Congrats!

 

[Nicole]

Using your real name is a huge step. Congrats!

It might be a huge step but I am ashamed of:

- the persons they never know what I did, that I never had the courage to tell it them
- that I signed a working contract, where I had to write, that I am not a Scientologist
- that I wasn't able to speak with my father about thinks that happen (now it is to late)
- that I didn' t gave during my work kids ritalin (they needed it)
- that I didn't said in my childhood no again, after I once did it and I felt the consequences

and I feel ashamed that I got used from this system, that I lied for it and that it happen again...

 

[AngeloV]

Welcome, again.

It sounds like you can now be honest to yourself regarding your scio background. That is a big step to breaking free of the chains of scio. Congratulations.

 

[Arthur Dent]

Welcome again, Nicole!

I'm happy for you that you have your husband and children and your life to live as you wish.

Can you tell more about how the church pushed your buttons to get you to spy for them. Twice. It is emotional blackmail and I would like to hear the story of it if you can, when you can. Hopefully you can talk about the fairgaming also. I think it would be interesting for new people and lurkers to see what they do.

Good work on no mission being established there!!

 

[Nicole]

Welcome again, Nicole!

I'm happy for you that you have your husband and children and your life to live as you wish.

Can you tell more about how the church pushed your buttons to get you to spy for them. Twice. It is emotional blackmail and I would like to hear the story of it if you can, when you can. Hopefully you can talk about the fairgaming also. I think it would be interesting for new people and lurkers to see what they do.

Good work on no mission being established there!!

... As young woman, they didn't need lots to push. I didn't think about it. I made my work. I thought I did the right. The Brainwash does work...

Why twice... mmmhhh I think I was after the death of my father not a very strong charakter. It started at the funeral, there where Scientologist and they started to feed the little Scientolgist inside me. No, it started before, the day he died... My stepmother told me, that his Thetan is in the near, blablabla... and I felt him. I felt him near me. It was as electricity on my skin. In my dreams at night I saw him in his "new house" and he showed me every single room.... In my sorrow, I believed that really. But it was wish thinking... Two month later my stepmother gave me every memory that my father collected about me and she break the contact. I was very disapointed... But I had my family and I started to life my live. But I thought about my childhood and some things I didn't understood. I couldn't remember everything. (Since I work on it, it gets more and more...) Than started the fairgame.

It was a kind of gaslighting what they made... I don't want to go in details, but I fall in a deep hole, because of things that happen in my childhhood and because they know about me lots. Maybe better than I knew me at this time. I was scared, that they take me or my kids.

Than came a person in my near, I thought it was a friend and deep inside me I knew that this person was OSA. He fed me with thinks that I needed, but he also fed me with fear. I thought I could take the thinks that I needed, but I lost the game... I was again the little child. That little child that was broken inside, because of Scientology. A Marionette. Anything inside me did one day in my childhood die. After it I wasn't a child anymore...

I won't tell in the public all the buttons that they pushed...



It is not only "no mission". They are not allowed to make stress tests in that town... I failed