Chapter 14
Wisened One, there is a photo of me that is on my profile. It's about three years old, but I haven't changed much. I still look and sound 12. I just don't age... (it's not "scientology", it's genetic)
These next couple of installments are probably the most difficult for me to write. This section is more complex, but also, my boyfriend is bored today and he keeps interrupting me with strange conversation. Did you know that the character Alfred E. Neuman had been around since the late 1800's and was not invented by the editors of Mad magazine? He has been the face of unquestioning stupidity for a long time. Hmmm, I thought, maybe when I go on the March 15th protest march with the Anonymous crowd, I will wear an Alfred E. Neuman mask! I'll have a sign that says, "I thought Scientology was the study of Science?"
Having returned to the INT base with the hope that I'd "get things sorted out" and having that as my motivation, led me in many directions. There were some interesting points that I observed about the "routing-out" lines in Gold. One of them was that it was considered a "High Crime" to tell others one was leaving staff; however, Qual Gold staff and/or RTC could put my NAME, on their large dry erase marker bulletin board informing others of the line-up/priority PCs, with "LEAVING STAFF SEC CHECK in large letters. All staff passing through to go to session, all admin staff over and involved in Qual in any way and just anyone who happens to peak at the line-up board is now TOLD THAT I AM LEAVING!
Factually when I arrived at OGH, I was willing to entertain the idea of NOT Leaving, of using communication to resolve my conflicts with the Sea Org Schedule, the RPF Program, the lack of any family time, the problems with my medical care, the problems with my attempts to "get up the bridge", I wanted to get the 'no kids rule' reviewed and changed. I had high hopes.
I'd gotten this breath of freedom at my Aunt's house and lots of hugs and I was ready to get back and "work things out". That my name had a big "Leaving Staff Sec Check" next to it kind of made my life more difficult.
It was a very enlightening time period, but also a very heavy and upsetting time period. I'm going to write about my discoveries and about things I learned, about some of the funny and fun things that happened too --- but don't take the latter out of context. Just taking the good stuff out, would do this experience a complete injustice. Because they are out of context.
If you just heard all my good stories, you might want to join the SO -- you'd be like, hey where do I sign up?
So, let me first tell you the context: I was at the Old Gilman House area. It's was an area of "unrenovated" property on the North East side of the Int Base. The section I was confined to was probably just one acre in size, or 1 1/2 acres in size. On the west side was a grapefruit grove, to the east was the swamp and the roadway into the base proper. It was no longer the "summer camp" atmosphere that it was when I had first arrived at the Int base in late 1982. There were chain link fences surrounding me, with razor wire on top and motion detectors around the fences. There was 24 hour security guard surveillance. The Security guards had uniforms including belts with mace containers, handcuffs and billy clubs. Some of the guards even had hand guns on their belts. One of the guards had a vicious German Sheperd guard dog. I had no access to an outside phone line, no access to a mail box. All my mail was stopped and checked and sometimes thrown away without my knowledge, incoming and out-going. Even my internal despatches to other staff. My knowledge reports, CSWs, anything I wrote was looked at by a Security guard and routed without my knowledge to my PC folder and not to the person I'd intended it to go to. Including letters to my own Aunt, non-Scientology friends and family members. I was not allowed to watch any TV, I was not allowed to read the newspaper. I was not allowed to vote in the 2000 primaries, nor the 2000 election. I was not allowed to talk to other Sea Org Members unless they had been given some special OK by the Security Dept. or RTC to work with me or see me. If I said anything considered "critical" of other SO STaff and/or David Miscavige --- it did not matter if I had a valid point --- it was added to my "Black PR cull" which was a list of things a person is suspected as saying to maliciously spread Black PR in an effort to undermine the Sea Organization. And this list was part of my "Truth Rundown" handlings. I did get to listen to the radio though. Something I had not done since late 1995 really. I got 11 dollars a week pay. And I did get it every week. This was unusual. I think I actually got paid more while I was routing out than I'd gotten paid the previous three years I'd been at Gold. There were years of time when there was no pay or sporadic pay when I was in Gold on a post. I stayed in a small 10X 10 room in an old trailer. I found and installed an air conditioner and a new carpet, so it wasn't that bad. At first there was no AC, and I had to hose the trailer off at night to cool it down so I could sleep. There was no bathroom. I had to walk about a hundred feet or so over to the Maintenance Man's house and use the shower/bathroom over there. There were some times when I was sick, or trying to do some intestinal cleansing/ de-tox that I had to keep a bucket in my room in case I couldn't make it all the way to the bathroom.... OK
While my hand was healing and in a cast, I did not have to do MEST Work. Thank god. While I waited for an auditor to get assigned to me, I read Book One, from cover to cover. That was the first time I'd read through the whole thing. I realized that there were different types of Clear. I know there is some reference that there is only one "Clear" but, after reading Book One, I saw things differently. I also read Science of Survival from cover to cover for the first time. I studied an old book I found called "Dianetics Today". I was interested in it because this was actually the very first Scientology book I'd been exposed to by Mom's finance, Bill Ward. I studied several NED issues out of the New Era Dianetics Course. I was interested in the idea of "flows" in relation to engrams. There was a reference written earlier in the 70's about the importance of getting "full flow" Dianetics. It was hard to tell if it was a Marketing Piece or something that was factual, that leaving only one flow done on Dianetics COULD restim other flows and they needed to be checked. I accepted the possibility that if not all flows are checked and run on engrams or any type of charge, the unaddressed flow could go into "restim". Because the other flows around it were touched on and looked at, and it was left there all alone, bypassed --- brought to mind but not talked about. I had this realization that in all the counseling that I had had in my life, never did my upset about my Mom's multiple suicide attempts come up to be addressed. Yet, I had a great deal of charge on it. Sometimes after auditing, despite B1 tablets, I'd have these nightmares about my Mom. This seemed to me to be an example of a bypassed flow. No one ever asked me for this kind of flow --- ANOTHER TO THEMSELVES, OR OTHERS TO THEMSELVES. The closest one was Others to Others, but that was not close enough. Hey! I thought, there are MISSING flows! And there are missing subflows such as Another to themselves because of/ in response to any of the other flows. It covered the concept that people sometimes do self-destructive things out of guilt from overts on others. If you can forgive them, or they can make up their damage, they could avoid self-destructive habits. I felt like I'd discovered some amazingly significant information. Life changing. I knew how "suicide" could get restimulated on someone's case!! Incidents with suicides in them could get restimulated by never getting added to the flows. They'd always be bypassed and built up over time. I was convinced that I'd discovered something very important everyone should know about immediately! Without it, doing the grade chart could drive some to suicide and they would have no idea why! But I got distracted.... and I didn't actually talk to anyone about it until many months later... so I'll jump ahead to that point to complete this discovery:
I went into the eating area, this shack outside the Maintenance Man's house that held Gary Weise's motorcycle and some other storage. On one end was a table and some chairs, with a small refrigerator and a counter for a coffee machine and some plates and dishes. On the other end was Gary Weise's awesome custom painted BMW Motorcycle. Without that piece of art in the storage area, I think the dirt floor and the ants would have gotten me down far more than they did --- The floor was virtually a dirt floor, the ceiling was infested by ants and they had to be cleaned off the tables before and after every meal. When I entered the eating area, the guy assigned to my Security Watch this day was Peter Cook. I wondered what post was Peter on now? That he had time to hold OGH Security Watch. He had been bouncing around from CMU, the Music Dept. at Gold and printing of OT things. It seemed that he was a true Sea Org hyphenate. If I didn't know better, I could have been critical of him and accused him of always seeking transfers. I sat down across from him and I drew out all the flows on a napkin. I explained to him that these other flows I'd discovered were missing, were they on the OT Levels? Peter said, No, but they were covered... then he said, "You know, if I died and I wanted to skip having to be a little kid, I'd pick up a body at age 11 and go from there..." I thought, Shit, what did I just say? I wasn't trying to tell him I was Quentin anymore, but he just implied by that comment that he was thinking about that. (If I'd picked up my body around 76, I could have been reincarnated Quentin...
I didn't really say anything right away to Peter. But later on I said, "Look, when I was on the RPF, I sent out a bunch of apologies. Maybe they weren't sent out. I wasn't really Quentin in my past life OK. Or LRH or anybody famous, Peter said, "yeh, I got your apology..." the tone of his voice sounded like I'd sent him a dead flower, a letter that he wasn't happy about. Was I imagining this? Or was Peter just tired. It was getting kind of late. I still wanted to be Peter's friend.
I went back to my room and I figured: OK -- so this shit must be on the L's, maybe L9 (Was there even an L9 -- L 10 probably-- who knows) It's not on the OT Levels, but it IS covered, so that left the L's. ? Elementary my dear Watson! I suddenly felt mad at LRH. He was nuts sometimes. I was mad that these other flows weren't on all the grades and everything --- why leave them unflat and in restim on someone's case until they do the L's? So that people would be Forced to do the L's? And and pay extra. It seemed like LRH had realized his mistake and thought "Oh -- whoops, there are these other flows, but we aren't going to revise anything and admit 'mistake', we are just going to call it a new 'discovery' and make another rundown and make people pay a LOT for it...." Greedy. I promptly wrote my CS and told her that I wanted this extra flow addressed in all my counseling actions from here on out. I didn't want to leave that in restim. Of course, no one listened to me. I'm sure L10 or L9, whatever it was made tons of money, why change it? I spent a little while being obsessed about this, but I got over it.
I finally got told that a counselor was ready for me. Mellisa Feshback Epstein. A new GAT graduate and a Grad 5. I was upset that I didn't get AK, but it just so happened she had to go off to comply to a COB order AGAIN!, that she do her GAT drills, and get those up to date. I didn't really know Melissa that well. I asked about another auditor I liked, John Eastment. What happened to him? Oh, he's out of the chair. What? @#$%^ He was an LRH trained auditor! I liked him. I liked his style. He had this really cool thing he would do when he got a certain needle phenomenon during a session, instead of assuming that I was being dishonest and witholding something, he would just say "do you have something you wanted to say?" . Or he'd look up pleasantly and say "Yeh?" He was using the e-meter to help him to be a better listening and more attentive. He wasn't using it to imply or assume that I had some dirty deed I was witholding from him. Maybe I had thought of something and was just waiting politely for a moment to say it! That could happen you know, I wasn't always "sitting on bad deed" Was it really better for the "Group" to get rid of an auditor who had a style that some of us preferred? We like being treated with respect as opposed to being treated like we were lying criminals. I was having thoughts about, what is "Standard" anyway? Do I have any say in the matter? Can I cast a vote? I vote for John's style. But could I get it? I felt like I had no rights really as a Scientologist and that I NEVER had.
For example, if I had a question about a "technical" matter, did I have the right to go over to the * Files area and look at the collection of materials available (copies of all the originals, old traffic and submisison files, etc.?) No, I didn't. And if I wrote to the * Files IC or (Librarian, forget the title exactly..) did she have to answer me? No, Gail Poval (Alan Poval's 2nd wife, his first wife died from cancer around '85 I think) did not have to answer me. In fact, she rarely did OR the Security Guards were not sending my letters. Either way, I couldn't verify something was being true to source. So how COULD I REALLY "KEEP SCIENTOLOGY WORKING" ? I had to take DM and RTCs word for it. i had to accept their changes.
There was this one issue, got compiled and issued around 1987 about the Nerve Assist. OK, the FIRST (prior to 1987) Nerve Assist reference that I had seen had a different direction on the nerve channels. The PDC lecture I listened to about flows around the body confirmed the ORIGINAL Nerve Assist reference. When I was on the RPF earlier, I had the opportunity to talk to Rich Gilbert, who was X CST staff and an OT8, Class 9. He told me that the DETERMINING FACTOR back when the new reference was made, was a VIDEO set tape from the Gold Film Crew's fist attempt at the TR-10 Assists Film. This VHS tape showed someone getting a nerve assist. I think it was Felix Hackenburg as the PC/Actor. Apparently "LRH HAD SEEN AND APPROVED" this video tape. So... the Nerve Assist HCOB was changed in 1987 to conform. Also, on the RPF, I had the opportunity to get nerve assists daily from Jean D., an older Scientologist, and she had drilled and practised the FIRST ISSUE. I was able to tell the difference. That the way Jean did it actually worked on my chronic back pain and that was what was in the ORIGINAL issue. Imagine me discovering that nerve assists could actually help with my back pain. It had given me some hope... except that later, I wasn't allowed to get this kind of nerve assist because it was "squirrel" and "not per the HCOB". End of hope. So, I wrote a letter, while on the RPF, to the Snr CS INt office and I told them this: That IF the original Nerve Assist bulletin was indeed changed to match the video tape (apparently approved by LRH), that it needed to get CHANGED BACK TO THE ORIGINAL WAY. Because LRH DID NOT SEE THAT SET TAPE! Someone VERBALLY said LRH had seen that tape, but there was nothing in writing about it. There was no LRH submission file with his VWD on it. I knew that from having done a whole project myself of viewing old video tapes to find out which ones needed to get sent to CST/ARchives for preservation. Any tapes with his voice on them, evidence he was on the set that day, anything LRH, were considered "LRH Originals", Also any VHS tapes THAT HAD A SUBMISSION Folder and a resultant despatch back from LRH about it. I had never seen an LRH despatch about that one TR 10 shot of a nerve assist. It was just a set tape and they did it wrong! Someone even revised the script. The original TR 10 Script had the Orignally issued way of doing Nerve Assists. In my letter to the Snr CS Int Office, I suggested verifying everything I had just said and getting that HCOB Corrected because it dramatcially lessened the effectiveness of Nerve Assists to follow the flows around the body incorrectly. Done correctly, it handled "standing waves" amazingly well. I also cited the PDC lecture about the flows around the body and some pages out of Grey's Anatomy about nerve channels. NO ONE ANSWERED MY LETTER. NO ONE DID ANYTHING. Here was some bit of "tech" that "worked" for me and I could do nothing to keep it that Way!
Another reference that wasn't used properly was the HCOB Physically Ill PCs and PreOTs. There is a mandate for a full physical, plus head to toe exrays for PCs who are having trouble , or are failed cases. But NO, it didn't every get fully used because medical care was too expensive. Better to make someone think that all their aches and pains ARE their case only. Oh -- that reminds me of something earlier that happened to me on the RPF, flashback a bit: Around July or August while on the RPF, out at the ranch, I had accidentally hit my thumb with a pneumatic staple gun. My left thumb. It hurt like hell. I looked at my thumb and I couldn't tell if the staple had lodged itself inside or not. I asked to see the MLO. I was told, "Just try getting some assists first and if that handles it, you wont have to see the MLO." So I tried a touch assist and nerve assist. It worked at first. But at night, my whole left hand swelled up, my thumb began oozing puss out from under my thumbnail. My hand was hot to the touch and kind of red. Again, I asked to see the MLO. I was told, "Oh let's try another assist" So I tried another assist. It helped, temporarily. Again, at night, my hand would heat up and swell up. It was horrible. But I was not allowed to see the MLO. I was beginning to introvert about it. Why weren't the assists working on me? Am I really an NCG? Am I so PTS, that assists only last a few hours long? Is my case so screwed up that I have an "engram" in my thumb now? Do I have to do NED on the incident with the staple gun? Think Think Think. Then... I was in the middle of one of my Objectives. Tia was running it on me and she was doing OK. I told her that I really really needed a bathroom break. I went into the lady's bathroom and I found my jacket on a coat hook in the bathroom. My swiss army knife (the one Don Breeding had given me, I always kept it razor sharp) was in my coat pocket. I thought, "Fuck it, if I can't see the MLO, I'll operate on my own thumb!" I used my lighter to sterilize the smallest knife blade. I cut open my own left thumb and I found a piece of staple inside it! About 1/8th of an inch long. But, it was enough to be causing my hand's immune system to really fight against it. Thus, the swelling and burning at nights. My twin Tia saw me cutting up my thumb and she looked at me and started laughing, "Mo, your crazy..." and then she saw the piece of staple I'd pulled out and she was as happy as I was. Because she was doubting her assist skills too. I mean, my hand kept getting worse despite all her great assists.... she had been introverting too!!! Tia went and got Jean and a first aid kit and I bandaged up my thumb really well. We were both happy and my hand healed and it lived happily ever after. I'm pretty sure that Tia's Objective had increased my "havingness" enough to get the idea to operate on my own thumb like that. But it made me realize that sometimes assists could be dangerous, because they can alleviate SYMPTOMS but not the cause and delay needed action. What if I'd gotten a much worse infection from leaving a dirty staple in my thumb for five days? Christ Almighty!
OK, back to OGH, and my program. I was supposed to get an Int Rundown. I was told by Kevin that Melissa was an excellent auditor and that I'd like her. I went to her auditing room. Around 1995, the Old Gilman House had been renovated from being a creaky, old beat up house with some make shift dorms in it, to being the HGC, with all the auditing rooms. At the time when the newly renovated OGH was assigning auditors rooms, I (I was still in good standing at the time and had helped to install the electronics for the video cameras on my renos time) told the Qual Sec that AK was the best and most productive auditor, so she should get the best room. AK got the best room. Joan got mad because she had expected it, but c'est la vie. I discovered that Melissa now had the best room. I realized that AK might have lost some status. I took a peak around the place and I saw that a really small room down the hall had been assigned to AK. It was about the size of a small walk-in closet. I knew Melissa, I kind of liked her, but we didn't relate. To me, she was a rich kid, she had nice clothes and jewelry and a car. She was in a different class of "Scientology Kid". I had no idea what she thought of me. She'd never really worked with me on any projects, maybe renos, maybe some all-hands we did together. She was never in my division. For all I knew, she despised me. I was worried.
I expected the End of Endless Int Rundown using recalls, for my one hundredth time (I'm exaggerating. I may have had 5 Int Rundowns or "End of Endless Int Rundowns" which are never the end of it). The main thing I liked about the rundown was that the rule of going in session every day did seem to get followed. Including cooperation from my seniors on letting me be sessionable. So getting CSd for an Int handling was a type of a special "OK to sleep" ticket. Maybe that's why I always read on "out Int"?) This time, I was going to do it the regular way, not just recalls. Melissa was a Grad 5 and could run engrams. I said, "Oh cool" I had more fun reviewing the definitions of things than I had before. I wanted to be very thorough. I got to ask questions like, "What if I don't like being me and so I want to go into another valence, and then I get popped out of that and I'm mad, would the Int Rundown help with that? Melissa would get kind of an amused looked on her face, like my question was funny or something. I liked that in an auditor, if she liked my sense of humor. I'd ask, "But what if I don't WANT to be me?" "Do I have to be me to get up the grade chart?" She'd nod yes. I'd say, "Its hard being me" and she would look a little amused but she wouldn't laugh. I asked about valences, a person could go in and out of those right? Yes. If someone was mad at me for something, that's their attitude about me, not my own --- so if I recall an incident and I"m mad about it --- when I wasn't really when it happened. Then I'm in THEIR valence, not mine. Right she says. OK. So if I remember something and the feelings and attitudes I had AT THAT TIME are imbedded in the memory and I face those and talk about those, then I'm IN VALENCE. Yep. I looked at her and I said, "Look, Melissa, I don't really know you, but if you are going to be getting me to run stuff "IN VALENCE" , then you need to know that my emotions and feelings from my past have an influence on me when I think of them again. If I get outraged and mad all of sudden and throw something at you or I bust into tears and drop the cans, are you going to be able to deal with it? Because I don't want to have to end any sessions because I was making too much noise or because my auditor got freaked out. I'm sick of it. Maybe no one else in Gold has strong feelings that have been buried by the "no case on post rule" for years, but I do. And maybe no one else in Gold had a difficult childhood, but I did. She assured me that I could be "in session" and there was no reason I couldn't. Wow, we did get off on the right foot. I was looking forward to the rundown. :shark:
I only had one hand available because of my cast, so I got to hold the solo cans. I liked that. I liked having one set of hands free. I realized that, for whatever reason, holding two cans had always bothered me. I'd had a heart attack when I was 9, in the hospital with pneumonia and asthma and I hadn't really gotten over it, I still had an engram of being jump started with the defib machine. Did that mean I had had shock treatment? Was I an 'illegal PC'? Does that kind of shock count? I didn't like two cans as much as one, they made me nervous. The one set didn't.
Melissa and I had a short session everyday for about five days and then my rundown was over. The rundown went OK, I wasn't really sure that I'd indeed handled much of anything, but I had realized at least that I had been kind of avoiding my own valence memory wise because I didn't want to get into trouble for admitting to emotions and feelings My next step was my special "tailor made" CS.
My hand healed, but I had to wait and wait for someone to take me to the doctor to get my cast removed. I finally got impatient and I took it off myself with, guess what! My Swiss Army Knife....
One of the first questions she asked me was "Have you committed an overt on the Sea Org?" I looked at her and I said, "That is kind of a broad question." What exactly do you mean by the "Sea Organization?" Do you mean violations of the Code of a Sea Org Member? How can I do something destructive to an ENTIRE group? I said, look, I am not getting anything popping into my head at this moment, but if I could maybe demo this out -- I might be able to think of something. She said "OK" and we demoed it out. I then said, well I'd really have to say "no" to that question. So then Melissa changed the question to, "Did you think of anything when I asked that question?" And i said, "Well maybe it was an overt that I joined the Sea Organization in the first place because I wasn't really qualified." Melissa wanted to know more about that and we pulled it down to something stupid about how I had not realized that something I took when I was 12 was LSD and so I didn't know I was an LSD Case. But she wanted something I "knowingly" lied about. That was a tough one. I also said that my Mom was on Thorazine and psychiatric sedatives while she was pregnant and so that would have made me a "psychiatric victim" too right? I'd had 30% of whatever she got... and no one knew that. I'd just written and asked my Mom about it recently, after I'd read Book One. But I didn't know about that. Melissa kept fishing for things I KNEW about that I'd lied about. I got mad and said "HEY, your question did not ask "WHAT LIE DID YOU TELL TO JOIN THE SO THAT YOU DID KNOW YOU WERE TELLING?" You keep changing the question. Tell the CS that she needs to be more specific if she wants me to answer shit. This isn't fair. THEN the question became, "Did the CS miss a withold on you?" Arghhhh!
I got mad and I said, "YEH, The CS has missed shit! She doesn't even know me, she doesn't know anything about my real case because she never did an ORIGINAL PC ASSESSMENT on me!" Melissa remained calm and was able to get me to calm down and we determined that I had in fact lied about having smoked pot when I was kid and later after I'd joined the SO, and I had lied about that. But THEN, I said, Look --- it's a matter of OPINION as to whether that was an "overt" on the SO or not. I mean, I think I GAVE the Sea Organization about a million dollars worth of skilled labor over the years and maybe got a third of that back in terms of room and board, and that's generous STRETCH --- so how can I call that an overt on the SO? I have caused so much trouble recently that my entire production record is now meaningless?
Mellisa seemed bright, she simply handled the lie about smoking pot as a seperate withold and we'd get back to the original question. So, I took this to heart, I gave her the time, place, form and event. I gave some other instances of lies I'd told so that I would't rock the boat. Things like attesting to program targets like "everyone reads and understands this program, or everyone M9s this film script" I'd signed many an attest for saying I'd read and understand a script or a program when I had not really. I wasn't literate enough to keep up with all the study orders.... At the end of the chain and the "earlier similars" I had kind of an "image" move away from me and disappear. I didn't really say anything and we kept going and I fell asleep. Melissa checked overrun, then she asked what keyed out? And I explained this image. It was some image of a character (maybe me, who knows) who was a spy amidst another anti-human race, Thousands of years ago, Martians or something. And this hero had been pretending to be a Martian, yet purposefully broke rules and lies and spread confusion and eventually disorganized and caused unrest amongst the Martians and brought them down, saving the human race. Kin dof a James Bond like hero. That was an interesting concept. And it was interesting that this came up in relation to my propensity to lie to get out of resolving the problem of my lack of functional literacy. It made me think about criminals in our current society. Were they dramatizing the "hero" valence? They were trying to harm and bring down the society as if it was some kind of evil Martian race. The rules were meant to be broken, lies were meant to be told, they had to be out of pure survival instincts for the human race. It made sense to me, kids who got mistreated, never got literate --- they'd be confused and think that they weren't in a group of like humans, but rather in an anti-human race, and they were on some kind of do or die mission to cause as much trouble as possible. I could see that when I was abandoned when I was a little girl, this valence had kind of kicked in. I'd promptly gone over to the local park and became friends with a local gang of other misfit kids and I'd learned how to sell pot and hot wire cars. I'd learned how to pick pockets, to do graffiti and cause other trouble around the neighborhood. In our own minds, we weren't criminals, we were heros. But I didn't know what I was really doing, I was just a kid. It came instinctually, naturally, on a day when my Mom was too upset with her own problems to help me with mine. I was only 6, I had to "grow up" and learn how to console my own mother rather than the other way around. It seems that letting someone be a kid, is part of being human and when that isn't done -- there are instincts and behavior that kick in automatically. I could see this in me anyway. Whether it really applied to the whole, I don't know. Once the overrun was dealt with, Melissa checked the first question again and we eventually established that the original first read was a "false read". I started to like Melissa more, but I wasn't able to keep her as my auditor.
My CS changed my program to include False Purpose Rundown. Melissa was not a False Purpose Rundown auditor, so I got re-assigned to Erin Kitt. Also a newbie GAT graduate. She was trained in FPRD procedure and I think she was a Class 2. My next step involved FPRD style auditing. That's where an overt or withold is asked about, and then the auditor checks for an evil intention, then gets a prior confusion. I'd had some of the FPRD pilot in 1987, I figured that once you realized that confusion, and the inabitly to respond well to confusion, was the root of all evil, then you didn't really need FPRD anymore. But, that's not the "End Phenonmenon" of the False Purpose Rundown. God knows what the heck the EP really is. Can you simply "blow" a prior confusion? What if the prior confusion is an engram? Then you aren't ever really done with FPRD, because you'll need Ex DN to run out those nasty engrams where your postulate was an evil intention. Oh -- and isn't the EP of OT 3 "Freedom from Overwhelm?" or something like that. So no one is free from the bad influence of confusion until OT 3 right? So FPRD really is just a lick and a promise.
I complained profusely about being programmed for the FPRD. I pulled out the FPRD Series out and I quoted it. It said that the FPRD was a RUNDOWN and not an ethics action, so the PRE-REQUISITES needed to be done. I demanded that I finish my Objectives and my Drug Rundown FIRST, which are the pre-requisites. I'd found an LRH Reference that said that anyone who was a drug case could ONLY be run on drug handlings FIRST, it was even a HIGH CRIME to do otherwise.
I was persistent about this point because I'd discovered when I was doing my Objective on the RPF, that I seemd to have a general kind of a fearful reaction to any facsimile that came to mind in general --- didn't matter what it was. It was hindering my memory and it was preventing me from getting gains from repetitive processes where you repeat stuff, then something 'turns on" and you keep going and it "turns off" Well, I'd get scared, my adrenal glands would hit me with a shot of adrenaline and it was like getting drugged. I couldn't really get anywhere on the processing after that. Most often, if it was a metered action, my needle would float. I accustomed to years of suppressing my feelings and emotions, so I never LOOKed like I was terrified. But I was. It was a "somatic", a physical response. I, personally didn't really feel terrified, or I was detached from it in some way. It was like I'd just seen a ghost.
In the past, one auditor noticed this once, Joan T. She had touched my wrist for some reason and she felt my pulse. She said, My God, you heart is racing, what is going on here? And I said, I don't know, I'm scared. I had no idea why or what it was. I felt like, without acknowledging that problem, many problems I was having were being mistaken for "withold phenomenon". I also questioned the whole subject of Tone Arm. Theoretically, a PC overwhelmed easily is a LOW TA case. But my TA was always HIGH, however, I had VERY caloused hands because I never used gloves. I suggested that I get wrist straps maybe, since I couldn't get rid of the calouses, they kept growing back. I'd had them since I started lifting weights in high school and doing a newspaper route. The handle bars of my bicycle would dig into my hands. Man, I was a trouble maker now! I should have been given more manual labor, then I would not have had time to read all those LRH References earlier, and make all these originations bout my case!
Erin was thoughtful and considerate at first, she took my origination and gave it to the CS for review of my program. A couple days later, Erin and I had another session. Erin showed me a "new" False Purpose Rundown issue. It was a pilot. She explained that the entire False Purpose Rundown Series was being revised right now by RTRC at COBs orders. One of the changes made, was that FPRD COULD now be used as an Ethics Action and therefore the pre-requisite case actions of Objectives and Drug Rundown were no longer needed IF the FPRD was being used as an ethics handling. Wow, what a remarkable change. And OH, how timely. This new FPRD Series 1 issue was hot off the copy machine. I looked at Erin and I said, "Look Erin, what if I can't ITSA (talk about) something that you restimulate in my session because I haven't gotten my mind in ship shape order? I have drug incidents hindering accurate contact with my mind, I have charge on control still not handled with Objectives, that situation isn't going to change just because DM decided to make FPRD an Ethics Action. What if you restimulate me in a session, I can't ITSA it and deal with it and I walk out of here and start hearing radio waves again or I can't sleep or eat. It's not fair to me. Do the Security Guards LIKE it when I cause trouble? Do they have nothing better to do? Because I have a life, and I DO have better things I could be doing than having bad sessions and bad responses to my auditing" Erin kind of just stared blankly at me at first, then she gave the typical drilled in origination handling of, "I'll let the CS know all of this, now let's get going..."
I was very reluctant to do anything, but I agreed. I was stuck there anyway. It wasn't like I could say "NO" and walk home to a real job and my own home. If I said "NO", I would still be where I was, in prison at OGH with no way out. I'd get declared a Suppressive again for refusing a Sec Check, although I wasn't refusing a Sec Check, I was just refusing the "FPRD Style" sec check.
At one point, mid session, I was having trouble answering a question. I had this kind of fog in my mind I had to get through. Erin just kept annoyingly repeating the question, rather than helping me with the fog. I finally said, "I can't do this, I can't answer this question honestly." And Erin pulled out a correction list. She assessed the FPRD correction list. Nothing read. She assessed again. Nothing. I was frowning. Erin asked, "Well can you tell me anything about what is going on?" I thought about it and I said I thought maybe a drug incident was in the way, yes, that was what was going on, something before I was born was bothering me, something slowing me down mentally. Erin acknowledged this, indicated it back to me and then said my needle floated and she ended the session. She had a big-line up, more PCs to torture, so didn't have much time with me that day. After the session I went and I pulled out the HCOB Volumes, the latest ones in publication. They were available in "the Chicken Coup", which was affectionate slang for the small shack us OGH misfits were allowed to study in at night. We weren't allowed to study in the regular courserooms. Not that I wanted to study in the regular courserooms, but the shack wasn't very comfortable. Nonetheless, there were some books available. I found the FPRD correction list on there. There were three questions missing off of the correction list that Erin had done on me, questions about "Has a drug incident been restimulated?" Or "an engram". Why hadn't Erin asked me those questions? She'd had to add her own question to figure out what was the trouble, it had made me have self-list in my own session to help her out. I didn't like that. I took this FPRD HCOB and I brought it to my next session with Erin.
I showed the reference to her and she said, "Oh, the FPRD Corrrection List as been revised, COB found out that arbitraries had been added to it making it too long, so there are several questions that are no longer on the FPRD correction list." Wow. That's interesting. I said to Erin, " Well, was LRH drunk the day he reviewed and OKd the FPRD Series issues that were compiled in the 80's? How could these things be 'arbitrary'? I knew LRH had OKd them! Wasn't he "Source" in Scientology?" Erin replied, "Well, there were SPs on his lines and DM has discovered..." I didn't listen to the rest of her robot rant. My imagination ran wild. What if DM himself was a Pain Drug Hypnosis Plant (ala Manchurian Candidate) and he'd revised all these things to avoid anyone discovering his true motivation for taking over Scientology? OOOOH , that would be a weird conspiracy theory wouldn't it? I could write a book, a "Manchurian candidate" takes over a harmless religious group and turns it into an evil cult.... purposefully editing out anything that might discover that he'd been secretly drugged and hypnotized and could not remember it. His whole life was just a big justification of his uncontrollable dramatization of a PDH engram....He was someone else's goon... the lawyers maybe? What a thought. Erin interrupted my thought process with the question, "Has a withold been missed?" I was pretty upset, I said, "Yeh, I fucked a dog in my past life...." That seamed to appease her. I got my F/N and I left. How the heck was I supposed to tell the "truth" and answer questions about my past and actually have the answers be REAL to me, rather than bullshit I was saying to get the session over with, if I could not get some help with my memory? Help with being able to tell truth from reality, in a session? How did I know that the "incidents" I was coming up with were REAL, or if I just thought of them because of power of suggestion? Or because my mind was avoiding something sensitive and throwing out a red herring?
You know what, I had CHANGED. I wasn't trying to avoid my this life past anymore. I wasn't running scared, I wasn't going to lie anymore. I was not going to pretend that I didn't have a case anymore. I was going to admit that I did need some help. That I had some issues to deal with, things about me that I wanted to improve. I was troubled about certain things. I was going to be honest, I was going to try to do "Scientology" for real. I had HOPE. I thought, that "Hey, I'm in a bind here, maybe Scientology can actually help me?" And I was giving it a good chance here. I was reading like a crazy person, everything I could get my hands on about the "tech" --- But what was ending up happening was that I was running into COB's orders and changes everywhere I went. I was losing my hopes that I could "sort things out". I didn't know what to do.
Around about this time, I lost Erin as my auditor. A new group of people had been assigned to work with me at OGH. After I'd gotten my cast off, I'd been assigned to help take care of the plant nursery on the upper west side of OGH (Hey, I lived and worked on the Upper West Side of something". This grew into taking care of all the Tree saplings growing out there in preparation for future transplanting. This grew into taking care of all of the irrigation systems around the OGH zone. I'd slowly become the OGH Grounds In Charge. I had a big colored map for my own use of each irrigation zone and what was planted there. Everything had different watering schedules. I was careing for probably about 200,000 dollars worth of plants and trees at one point. I even fixed the irrigation system out to the Grapefruit grove and they woke up and made fruit for the first time in a long while. I got the Plum trees on the south east side of OGH, near the Highway to make tons of fruit too. All these new people needed work to do. The Security Guard came to me and told me to him find some "Heavy MEST Work to do". So I wrote a big project to excavate the side of a small hill just north of the plant nursery and turn it into an extension to the nursery. It was a perfect place for plants that needed more shade because it was under this large canopy of Mesquite Trees. That kept them all busy for a while. It was a big job. A tractor couldn't really fit in there, so they had to dig it all out together as a team with picks and shovels and wheel barrels. All these people had been removed from post for "not passing their meter checks". They'd had "dirty needles" and that somehow made them "dirty" and not needed anymore in Gold or the TU or CMU or whereever they'd come from.
I enjoyed having some people to work with me tho. It wasn't so lonely. I made the best of it. There was this one project I was on, on a rainy day when we all had to make sand bags to stave off flood damage in different parts of the property. It was a cold and rainy day and it was dirty work. But the people I was with were funny. Tal Whitaker being one of them. He taught me the words to the song, "Love Cat'" by the CURE. We sang that out loud as we made sand bags and loaded them into the back of a flatbed truck to be transported around the base. I liked Tal, he seemed genuinely interested in my history as an SO Member. I liked telling him stories at meal breaks. He loved my story telling. He said he hadn't laughed so hard in a long time. I asked Matt, The Staff Security Officer if maybe I went back to the RPF, could I twin with Tal? NO, there was no way I could twin with Tal. Oh well. He was adorable, I had to ask. I mused at why maybe Tal had cheered me up so much. Maybe my biggest upset was that I had no guy in my life anymore?
My husband had never come to visit. He'd essentially deserted me, claiming that I had deserted him, and having Tal, this cute young guy who liked me and laughed at my jokes di make me happier. I was sad when he left to do his RPF at Flag. There were some other cute guys out there that liked me and helped me with some of the more difficult plumbing and electrical projects I had. One guy would always asked me "what's up?" if I looked sad or blue and he'd try to help me with what I needed even if he was in the middle of some other project. He helped me paint my little trailer room a nicer color. He joked about how I had the "luxury suite" out at OGH. Everyone else had to sleep in these large smelly dorm trailers. I had heating and AC and my own space. I'd even gotten into the habit of putting sprigs of rosemary on top of my heater and they emitted a great aroma. So my room was cozy and smelled nice. At least I had that.
Almost weekly, posters were being printed and posted around the OGH area and around the rest of the base that said, "Black PR BART, WANTED DEAD or ALIVE." With DEAD circled. They were cartoonish, depicting unkempt staff members with a downtrending stat graph on a wall behind them being captured by young, nicely dressed Messengers or SO Executives. I found them rather intimidating. I collected each one. After 6 months of "waiting" for an auditor, while also managing and supervising the MEST work projects of this new group of people, I became restless. I wasn't getting paid for all this landscaping and irrigation work I was doing! 11 dollars a week and a trailer room was nothing. I had designed a complex irrigation system, had all the trenches dug and had the thing installed so that all 22 zones of the OGH area could get watered on automatic timer. I had done everyone a favor, because as soon as I left (and I wanted it to be soon), all those trees and plants out there would die if this irrigation wasn't running automatically. I was saving their ASSets. I had nurtured and salvaged all the fruit trees in the area. That summer, the crew had more fruit than they had ever had, because of me. I had helped Jan Norton, the Head Gardner, with weekly transplant preparations. I had trimmed and maintained hundreds of rose bushes. I had learned how to do flower arrangements and I'd made flower arrangements on short notice for the execs and PR staff. I kept all the other staff assigned to OGH busy on useful projects, not just pulling weeds, so that they had something substantial on their Liability formulas for "amends". I'd helped all of them at one point on another on their conditions formulas, or studies in the evenings. This list could go on. I was working hard out there and I wasn't getting what I needed in return. This stack of posters had upset me. All these little 8X10 flyers and some larger posters had "DEAD" circled on them. I'd also had one of my cats die and I was upset. It had eaten something bad and I couldn't get the Security Guard to help me take it to a vet. I had to sit and watch it suffer. It made me so mad. If Security coudln't help me, why coudln't I call a taxi?
Earlier, I'd had this cat named Taco crawl into my trailer room through the window and she'd hat 6 kittens. I'd named them all and I was like their second Mom. Taco and some of the kittens got taken out to the ranch to help with gopher problems out there. But I kept some with me around the nursery. I fed them some of my eggs and some milk in the mornings, and they hunted during the day. I loved those cats, they helped to keep me sane in my semi-isolated state. Watching one of them suffer because I had no freedom and no power to help it really rattled me. I walked up to one of the fences, near the Grapefruit side of the property. I'd seen some of the deckies that were helping me with plumbing and irrigation, get a ladder and reach over the fence to get some Grapefruits once. They were hungry and those Grapefruits looked really good. I observed how long it took for the roving Security Guard (the guy who patrolled the perimeter of the fence on the outside when things set off the motion sensors) to get there once the sensors were set off. Hmmm.... I thought. I could probably get a ladder, hop over the fence and run down to the road before the Security Guard made it over. I put my plan into effect. I collected a few belongings, and my collection of posters --- because to me they WERE death threats, since I was scheduled to do a "Black PR handling" and I casually walked over to the guy on Security WAtch. I chatted with him about the weather and other things. I listened to his walkie talkie, luckily he didn't have an ear plug on, so I could hear it. I could tell that the "rover" was at the booth and not near the fence already. I then grabbed a small ladder and I took a deep breath. I set it down next to the fence and the clock was ticking.... I hopped over the fence, landed really hard on the other side. Kind of hurt my ankle. I could not run. I had to walk fast. The Secruity SUV pulled up and Matt, the Staff Security Officer came down the road after me. I told him I needed to take a walk and I wasn't gong to stop, if he touched me I'd jump into the street and start asking for help... Matt pleaded with me, said if I left, he'd get into big trouble. And what about my sister? What about my husband? Whatever was going on, it could be "sorted out". At the mention of my sister and husband, I started to cry. I didn't want Matt to see it, so I turned away. I said, "OK, Matt, just let me take a walk then, because I'm going nuts in here. I've been stuck at OGH since January and it's been nearly 6 months since I've been 'waiting" for my sec checking. It's not fair. I'm working hard for you guys, and your just ignoring me. Matt, said he had to check for the "walk" idea. He got on his walkie talkie to ask. I decided to stop walking and let him check. What was I doing, why was I even stopping? I didn't know. I COULD keep going, I was near the road. What was I afraid of? I realized that I was terrified of the outside world. I didn't like being trapped, but where WOULD I go? Who would pick me up if I hitchiked? A rapist? A pervert? What would the guy in the SUV do? Would I get tackled again? Would passers by even stop and care? I'd been in some form of semi-isolation since 1996 really. Just walking out of my little space of OGH was disorienting and overwhelming in some ways. Matt got an OK for us to go for a walk, only Matt had to come with me. I said OK, we went down across the south side of the property and I walked along the road on the Levy (there was a creek bed/Levy bordering the south of the entire property. I thought of better times when this was my jogging route. I remembered that one time, in 1987, when I'd gotten all the Gold Security Guards together and I'd had a race around the property around midnight. It was probably a 3 mile run and I'd come in second. I came in first on the sit-ups contest. One of the Security Guards had told me I'd earned a lot of respect from all of them. When we got near the Golf Course on the East side, I thought of the funny things that had happened on the golf course during the filming of "The Cycle of Communication Film" -- about when one of the pro talent had taken his Scottish character seriously and he'd showed up in his kilt with no underwear... because the Scotts didn't wear underwear under their kilts! And when the Director almost got hit by a golf ball and he showed up in a pith helmet the next day. I remembered goofing off between shots and racing the golf carts and making the "wog" managers mad at us. I remembered how care free I'd been then, how nothing got me down, and now every little thing introverted me and I'd take it all personally. I took out the posters I'd had under my shirt and I turned around and looked at Matt. I told Matt, "Could we stop bringing these posters out to OGH?" and if I need help with one of my cats, can I get someone to help me sooner? If I can't get a vet, can I get Carol Huffum from the Galley to talk to me or come out and help? Matt had this innocent look on his face when I showed him the posters, "Wow, Mo, I didn't know these posters were being stuck on your door." and "I didn't know you had a problem with your cat" "Yes... next time you need help with your cat, make more of an effort to find me and I'll get it sorted out, and I'll handle the posters" I handed him most of my posters. But I still had a couple in my pocket.
When we got to the end of the levy, the Security SUV was at the end of it and I got back inside and I was driven back to OGH. Erin came out to see me. She said, "heard you had some trouble". I said, "yeh" and she said she could help me with some ethics conditions if I wanted. I said sure. She did a locational on me for "confusion". I asked her if we could do a Locational on the whole property? Because it helps me to remember things and she'd get a good history lesson... "No, I can't do that" she said. Damn. At the end of the Locational, I was feeling a little happier and felt more in a joking mood again. "You know Erin, I was Marylyn Monroe in my past life" Erin said, "Oh really?" But gave me a 'I know you are joking' smile". I told her about this funny thing that had happened when I was on the RPF, doing my Upper Indoc TRS with Tia. I had started bullbaiting with her and I did this "I'm Marylyn Monroe" routine. I used a really sexy voice and walk and I'd say things like, "Oh no, I can't touch that wall, it's not the right color." and when Tia would make my hand touch the wall, I'd say, "Oh no, this is catastrophic, I think I broke a nail..." I had Tia in stiches laughing so hard, her eyes were watering. I was very near getting her flattened on this type of bullbaiting when the Co-Audit supervisor came in. She explained that evryone in the courseroom and the co-audit could hear us and I was making them all laugh too, so I needed to stop, I was disrupting the students.... I looked outside our little drill space, and sure enough, the courseroom next to us was fully of laughing students, holding their sides from laughing so hard. Damn, could i help it if I was a good Marylyn Monroe impersonator? Maybe I was her in a past life??
Another young auditor, Naomi I think her name was, came to give me an assist for my ankle. In the middle of the assist, I pulled out one of the posters I still had and I started crying and shaking and I said, "Are you guys going to kill me?" And Naomi had a genuinely shocked look on her face. She took the poster and she said, "No, absolutely NOT" , you can't take these things literally. COB had CMU make these as a joke, they are supposed to be funny. Ha ha. They aren't real. Oh, I said. OK. So I don't need to be scared about my life? No, Naomi said.
I went back to "waiting for an auditor". I realized that I'd NEVER seen an LRH reference that said that a Sec Check needed to get done before a person leaves staff! I found something about OW write ups, but nothing about Sec checking. So I sat down in my room and I did another OW write up. It's amazing what things one can dig up when you try. This time, I had really been missing my Mom and I was feeling sad about my Step Father. I'd let them down as a daughter. I remembered things I'd lied about to them when I was a kid. I'd liked to my step father when I was four when he asked me if I had flooded his car with gas? He'd asked if I had been playing in his car ( a small convertable, MGB) with the gas pedal. He was angry. He couldn't get it to start because the engine was flooded with gas, he was late for work. I didn't want to get hit and spanked, so I said NO. It wasn't me. I'd lied to him. As I wrote all the details of ths time period, I started crying. I was sad when he left my Mom shortly after that and I'd thought maybe it was my fault because I had lied to him...I wrote more lies to avoid punishment from childhood, all accompanied by buckets of tears. I was in my own trailer, not in some courseroom, or in an EThics Office where it was for post and I could not have "CASE ON POST". At the end of this write up, I actually felt better. I thought, "Hey, didn't Christ say once, "repent your sins, the kingdom of heaven was at hand"? I realized that I'd not just "written down" some "sins" but that I'd actually "repented", I'd let the tears out, I let my self feel bad for having erred and I got it out of my system. I did have a conscience and it had been bugging me. The colors outside my little trailer were a lot brighter and more vivid. I could smell better, I could see better. I felt happier and more stable. "Hmmm, I thought, this Christ guy must have been a cool guy..." I told the Security Guard that I'd written my OWs, I could just get a meter check and go, because there was no LRH reference about a Sec Check. The Security Guard, Matt, said, "yes, there is a reference. He found it for me. It said that I had to get an HCO Confessional. Someone had changed that to Leaving STaff Sec Check. I asked, OK, so did LRH approve something called a "Leaving STaff Sec check?" NO. You mean, basically anyone can just make up a bunch of questions, as long as they like --arbitrarily, and say that I will get declared and expelled if I don't answer them before I leave staff? YES. Wow, this is amazing. What if they were planning on keeping me at OGH forever? They could just keep adding more and more to my program and categorize it all under the nebulous heading of "Leaving Staff Sec checking"? Why would LRH leave a loop hole in the admin like that? Did he do it on purpose? Seemed kind of sadistic.
I tried to make the best of my time out at OGH. I started giving people haircuts on the weekends for extra cash. I studied vocabulary books I'd bought with my money through Hamilton Books mail order. Security let these request through. I liked the vocabulary books-- the kind where words are grouped by roots, Greek, Latin, OE etc. I found that with words organized in this way, I got a far better grasp of the English language than I had ever had before. I was mad that I'd not been allowed to go to College. I would have loved to have studied English and Literature and some good vocabulary books. I also studied the Charles Dickens Book, David Copperfield. This was one of the best books I'd ever read. It was a fictional autobiography so it was a great way to learn how to express my thoughts and feelings in relation to my surroundings and experiences. I read some Tom Clancy books. I learned what the NSA was and Airforce One. I felt more a part of society knowing something about the goverment. Another thing I got to do was to finally clear up all my misunderstoods on the Correction Lists that had been done on me. I'd never understood any of them, and I think I'd had all of them. Wow, I actually started appreciating those correction lists. They could have been extremely helpful if I'd actually understood the questions! I'd mistakenly thought that if I didn't understand a question, that somehow, mystically the e-meter did understand it, or my bank or something. It had made my bank seem quite all powerful to me in some ways -- that it could understand a question and supply an image for an answer when I actually had no clue. Well, this was in fact not the case I learned. I studied about 24 taped lectures on the Briefing Course, plus read some more Auditor training packs. Somewhere in all that I learned that if a Preclear did not conceptually understand a question, there could be no read or a false read. Because the PC had to understand it in order to get a response from their own mind back. There was this other comm line between the PC and his own mind! Hey, this is cool. Wow. I also found an LRH reference that it was a HIGH CRIME NOT to clear all the commands on correction lists. What???? Why wasn't this ever followed? I pondered this. I began to realize that I was NOT the ONLY stupid person at the INT BASE in regards to the "Technology" and the "Admin".
Between the gardening duties, my cats, the studying I was finally getting done after all my years in Scientology, a whole year went by. My work schedule had eased up some because of the automatic timers, so I was able to take naps in the afternoons. That was cool. I tried to make friends with others assigned to the OGH area, but I wasn't really allowed to talk with them much. I'd twinned up with a twin on assists, but she didn't like me and didn't want to keep doing assists with me. Said I was "too heavy" as a person and I'd say shit that she could not deal with as originations during my assists and she didnt' like it. Fine. I was still saying strange spinny things once in a while. That would go on up until I finally walked out of Scientology completely, and decided not to follow the "disconnection" rules to talk to some declared X Gold staff and XSO staff that I knew. The Disconnection rules and the concept of ex staff being "suppressives" when they left, never went well with me. They showed up and helped as much as they could, why not acknowledge that?
I started having problems with my teeth. I still had chronic back pain, but now with some teeth hurting, I was having trouble sleeping again. I wrote to the dentist. No answer. I asked the MLO for help, she said she would "talk to Bob, the dentist". I finally got a note saying to take Vitamin C, because that helps tooth pain. That didn't work. I was told to use some gargle that the MLO brought me, to help any possible gum infection I might have. Why wouldn't the dentist believe that I maybe had a cavity and a tooth infection? The MLO finally said that the dentist thought that I was crazy, that there is no way that I could have gotten cavities so bad that they'd be infected right now, since the last time I'd seen him. So he refused to see me. What I did not know, that I found out after I'd gotten out of the SO, was that I had two large cavities and I needed some root canals. Some fillings that Bob had done on me earlier had fallen out and the holes had gotten infected. Also, my wisdom teeth had been moving in more and more and were pushing on all my teeth causing a great deal of pain. So again, "nothing" was wrong with me according to the MLO office, but I was feeling nuts again. I found myself staring into space and not noticing what I was doing. I'd hit my hand with a sledge hammer and kept working like nothing had happened. The next day I found out that I'd cracked my knuckle and I had to ice it and take vitamin supplements and Cal Mag to get the knuckle to heal. The MLO couldn't understand how I could not notice that I'd smashed my knuckle. I don't know. I wasn't having as much fun reading anymore. I started smoking cigarettes more, I wasn't eating as much and losing weight....
One afternoon, I caught a glimpse of my sister! I wanted to talk to her but I didn't want to upset her, so I didn't. But I'd gotten a good look at her and what uniform she was wearing. I knew that she was now in the HU. She had khaki pants and a white shirt. She had her hair in a neat pony tail. He fingernails were nicely painted as always. She had earrings on. Hmm...
I'm going to combine some things here in my story. This isn't EXACTLY what happened after this, but I'm kind of trying not to make this too long and convoluted. This gives the idea and it's not a lie, just an abridged version---
I went to my room and I found in my things some khaki pants and a white shirt. My hair had grown out and I'd let my fingernails grow out too, so I trimmed it up neat with some bangs like she had and I put my hair in a pony tail. I found some fingernail polish in the large female "restricted to the base" dormatories not too far from where I was and I "borrowed" some. I painted my nails. I dug out some earrings I had in my things and I put those on. I practised walking like my sister. She had a more feminine cat like walk than I did. I kind of had a "tough girl" swagger. I practised until I could walk like my sister. I padded my little sports bra a bit, my sister had bigger boobs than I did. I put some make up on. I looked in a mirror at myself and it was scary. Damn I looked like my sister Corinne. Could I pull this off? I tried it. I needed some salt & potassium tablets because I'd run out and it was hot working outside. The MLO had not answered my requests and I was having chest pains again. I ironed my khakis and my white shirt. I made sure my shoes were clean looking. I took a deep breath. "I can do this" I said to myself. I needed to have some reason to have come over to the OGH area... so I got some pads of paper and stuff. There was an "Admin Trailer" near the swamp and sometimes staff came to get admin supplies from it. It was admin supplies day, so this might work. I got some pads of paper I'd found and I walked towards to gate of the OGH area with them in hand. I walked just like my sister. I smiled at the guy on watch near the gate. He smiled back. I kept walking. It worked! I made it past the gate and I was on the base proper. I walked confidently to the MLO area and I went into the MLO office and I got some salt and potassium tablets. Everyone who saw me thought I was Corinne. I didn't want to push it too far, so I walked casually back to the OGH area. I went into my room and felt elated. Wow! I have some freedom, a little anyway.
I decided that I would try and walk down and check out the new studio on the south west side of the property. I had not seen it yet. I'd only seen it when the foundation was being done, it was a large sound stage, about the size of a football field. I had not seen the completed building. I waited for a day when there seemed to not be that many people around and I casually walked back onto the base and over to the Cine castle. No one stopped me. No one recognized me. I was able to look at the studio and check it out. Then I walked back to OGH. My next trip I made on another day, I walked up to the new LRH House in the BV area. BV was short for "Bonnie View". The original house that LRH had gotten pictures and reports on had been torn down and a new multi million dollar mansion had been built by professional construction workers and Gold staff in it's place. I walked around it's exterior and peaked in the windows. I figured that if my sister was in the HU, she was probably cleaning this place. Amazing. I tried to open a door to see if I could go inside. There was a combo lock on it. Darn. I tried to guess what the number was. I used to be good at that. I got kind of nervous and decided not too bother. I walked back to OGH. I couldn't help but marvel at how there was so much money available as to build this big new house that LRH never asked for (he was happy with the old house, renovated by RPFers) yet I was being told that my requests for medical tests and care couldn't be approved because there "wasn't enough money".
Eventually I got caught. I just got a slap on the hand really.... well so I thought. I thought it was funny
I'd started writing KRs and letters and putting them in the Qual out basket, so they would not get stopped by the Security Guard at OGH, and someone complained. Oh well. Had some freedom for a while.
I finally got an auditor again, it was Erin. It was a "Withold Session" asking about witholds from my auditors from my past auditing. That needed to be cleaned up now, since I'd written all these reports about how my past auditors had committed High Crimes by assessing correction lists without clearing words on me, by programming for incorrect steps on the grade chart when I had not completed Obj and DRD yet. Again, I didn't think I really needed it and it was more political than anything, but I made the best of it. I'd had some minor wins about things. When we were done, I went back to "watiing again"
My teeth were bothering me, my back was bothering me, I got mad and I decided to just boldy try to walk out the gate to go see a dentist. I didn't have much cash on me, but maybe I could at least get some attention and get to a dentist. I walked past the OGH area dressed up like Corinne again, and to the Nothwest gate. Darn, the pedestrian gate had been removed. I can't just walk out. What should I do? I just pushed the button as if it was just a "normal" thing for me to be doing and I said to the Security Guard answering me, "I just need to get the gate opened". The Security Guard asked "who is this?" and I said, "It's me, Maureen, please open the gate... " He wouldn't. I started screaming at the top of my lungs. "Open the Godamn GATE! You can't keep me out here forever like I'm your pet! It's against the law to keep me here. I've read the US Constitution and I have rights!" Shortly, Ken Hoden came over with a security guard. He told the Security guard to stand back and he'd "handle this". Ken said, "Walk with me, talk to me". He said, "What about your sister and your husband?" I got kind of sad, but I didn't let it make me cry. I told Ken Hoden that I was mad about being made to wait so much for auditors and I felt like I was getting ignored on purpose. I was also confused about my case programming. I kept getting more and more tailor made CSs to do. When was it going to end? I told Ken that it came up in a sesion that maybe I was an Illegal PC and that it was really a "HIGH CRME" to be auditing me! Ken said, "if it comes up in a session, it doesn't mean that it's REALITY." I said, "What????" You mean the e-meter can't help me with figuring out what "The Truth is" or "reality. Ken said, "Well 'Scientology' is what is true for YOU, but it's not necessarily what is true for everyone else". Wow. I was really pretty shocked by that.
I'd kind of thought of that myself before, but Ken just saying it outright like that to me, really did shock me. If everyone thought I was crazy and needed "help", then how could auditing "help" me if it didn't help me get in touch with reality? I could get audited and audited and end up more individuated and more detached than ever before! Ken had led me back to OGH with his most interesting conversation. I had forgotten about my tooth aches and I'd lost intterest in trying to get out. He told me to be sessionable because he'd arranged for me to get my favorite auditor AK! Wow. He was being nice to me again? Would i wake up in the morning and find myself lied to again? I didn't know.
The next morning AK picked me up for a session! I was happy to see her. I smiled and expected a hug, but she was different. She looked tired. Her eyes were bloodshot. She seemed very cold and distant. Not even a smile when she saw me. It made me sad. She got me on the cans and said that she had been assigned to do The Introspection Rundown on me. I said,"Wow, I try to walk out the Southwest gate and I'm rewarded with the best auditor in Gold! And she happens to be the ONLY NOTS Review auditor available, with many staff needing NOTS review --- but she is assigned to ME now. I should have done this before!" She then looked at me straight faced with no warmth in her expression, at all, and she said she was going to check rudiments, "Is there an ARC break?" I said, "Yeh, with my whole mind. I have not done ARC Straightwire yet, so I'm ARC broken with my entire mind. I'd rather do Self Analysis lists than the Introspection Rundown, it's kind of over my head don't you think?" I looked up her while I was saying it. Did I detect a slight movement of her lip like she was suppressing a smile? No, it was my imagination. She had a face like stone. After the ARC break was cleared up, she said, "OK, now for the first part of the rundown --- I'd like to indicate to you that when you remembered you were a nazi soldier in your past life that was a point of introversion" I said, "WHAT?" I laughed and I said, "WHO DID MY FES? VICTOR BARRAM (he was one of the FESers who happens to be a Holocaust Survivor), HE THINKS EVERYONE IN ETHICS TROUBLE WAS A NAZI IN THEIR PAST LIFE! I WASN'T A NAZI" I paused a bit and then I said with a sexy voice, "I was Marylyn Monroe in my past life". Finally, AK smiled and laughed a little bit. I told AK that I thought that maybe Victor had misread the worksheet from Erin. I had told Erin some time ago, at one point, in the middle of some of sec-checking, that I FELT LIKE I was a NAZI at the Nurembourg trials, because my mind was seizing up on me under the duress and stress of my situation -- being stuck out at OGH like this.
I told AK that this environment, the fences, it was hard to get into session. AK acknowledged that she heard what I said and would let the CS know. I then said, "Look AK, there isn't anything that I would enjoy more than getting you to audit me, but I want to know that it's YOUR choice and that you aren't just following an order. Do YOU want to audit me for real? Please use the Auditors Rights issue and get out of it if you don't. You are my favorite, you are better than other auditors I've had. At this point, she asked "Did your other auditors miss a withold on you?" I got sad all of a suddent. It was like she had not heard me, what I said, I was paying her a compliment. I said NO, I was cool. She checked false read and then we ended the session. I went to the examiner and I was really sad. I red tagged. The next day I got another session from AK. She looked more rested and I was glad. She then checked a correction list and something like, "rejected affinity" came up. I said YEH, you rejected my affinity. She indicated that back to me and my needle floated and then that was the end of the session.
The next day I was assigned to Melissa again. I'd been CSd for Expanded Dianetics instead. The Present Time Environment Rundown.
Oh boy.
During MEST work, I'd had a few more injuries while I was waiting, or in between some small set up questions I'd had to do before the Ex DN Rundown started. I had chipped my front tooth with a pipe wrench and I'd pulled something in my back from fixing the water main at OGH. The FBO Gold, Theresa had hired some big truckes to move all the LRH MEST Containers over to the OGH area. They were really heavy and the dirt roads of the OGH area buckled under one of the wheels and broke a large water pipe. I tried to get Security to get the Engineers over to OGH, but couldn't get them. There was some other flap going on that day that I didn't know about. So I shut off the water supply myself and I had to dig out this huge hole and fix the pipe. The OGH pipes were large and steel and rusted, the'd been around probably since the 30's. It took every ounce of strength I had to get the pipe wrenches to even move to get the broken piece disconnected. But if I did not fix this fast, all the plants and flowers and trees in the nursery that required multiple waterings during the day would die in the hot summer sun. Not only did I have to fix the pipe, I also had to continue watering everything with a fire hose and those were heavy when the water pressure was on. I didn't really have much help. The crowd that had been helping me had all graduated, been RPFd, offloaded or back into the org. It was just me. After I finally got it all fixed, my back and neck were killing me. It was a deep hole. To get leverage, I'd had to lean against one side of the hole with my head and use that to steady myself, so I'd compressed my neck again. I felt dizzy and nauseous. Not realzing that I had neck problems to begin with, since I'd been convinced that my problems were all "mental" --- I was thinking maybe I was afraid to do the Ex DN and that was why I felt like shit.
I got into session finally with Melissa, around June of 2000 I think. I told her that it was incorrect to CS me for EX DN. I rattled off all the EX DN Series that it violated. I said that I'd not had Objectives or DRD yet, nor my grades. Ex DN was not right. What if I'm a really "heavy drug case" and facsimilies terrify me, I'm just going to get scared and that's going to be the end of the session. Melissa insisted that there were "certain situations" where it was right to program people for Ex DN who were no where on the Grade Chart. " OK Fine, I'll try" I said. She assessed the PT Environment Rundown and it came down to two items, the fence and the radio. I had had to stop listening to the radio because of all the emotional songs. They made me cry, so I could not listen to them anymore. So I'd mentioned the radio. So then she assessed for emotions connected to the radio. We got one and were running an incident with this feeling/emotion. I bogged down really badly. I'd gotten that adrenaline rush thing like I'd seen a ghost and there was no memory to run anymore. Melissa stopped and did mid-ruds. She asked me , is there a missed withold? I thought, "No, there is a fucking ignored origination. How am I supposed to sit here and be in session if I THINK I'm doing something out-tech!" but I knew that she would not accept it. We'd been over it before. So, I figured since my body had essentially drugged me, my needle was probably floating no matter what I would say, so instead-- I let my temper get the best of me and I said, "yeh, there is a withold. A big one." Melissa said, "yeh?" and I said, " I had an affair with David Miscavige. I fucked him in the UK in 1989." Melissa looked a little taken aback. I let it sink in a little more, then I said," He wanted to bring LRH back, but Shelly didn't want to so he asked me. He said if I got pregnant I could contact the Legal Dir and file for a divorce from Bruce and then he would know, because he gets instant reports on all Legal stuff. Then we could get married and raise LRH as our kid. But it didn't work out." and then I added a sinister laugh, "Man, all you staff here at the base are total fucking idiots, you are all BLIND. You know that is REALLY the reason why DM did that Eval earlier and found that ALL the previously LRH trained tech terminals all over the world were "the BLIND LEADING THE BLIND" -- BECAUSE you are all FUCKING BLIND!! Another laugh. I then added, " You know, it's really good to get this off my chest. I don't feel the weight of the world on my shoulders anymore, it's amazing" Melissa checked end ruds on the question twice. She said, "Well your needle has been persistantly floating, we are going to end this session now" I went to the examiner and I was positively gloating. I could say any fucking thing, the meter didn't register on me. The examiner instantly said (I did not have to wait like I normally did) Your needle is floating. I said some comment like, "Wow, I guess I don't have to kill myself now, this was life saving" From the look on his face, he didn't detect the sarcasm in my voice. The Examiner said, "Your needle has been floating and it is still floating". I put down the cans and I walked outside to do some more MEST WORK. I felt so terrible. This e-meter is bullshit! I did not want to do any work. I walked around a big to get the adrenaline out of my system and then I went to my room and I slept all day long. My heart had gone into overdrive and all that fast beating had exhausted me.I was kind of spinny too, I mean there seemed to be this thin line between truth and reality and I was having trouble telling the difference between my lies, my imagination, the truth, things suggested to me and put into my head. It was nuts.
In the morning, I said, "Fuck, what have I done???? They aren't going to let me out of here if they think that's true. And I'm in just as much trouble for lying about it. It's a "malicious rumor" That wasn't funny, why did I make that up? I don't have to make shit up about COB, he's an asshole anyway" I was truly terrified. I wrote an apology to Melissa and gave it to Matt. I dreaded my next session. I had to "wait" again since Melissa was busy.
I wrote a bunch of reports to the Snr CS INT Office. Gelda Mithoff, had even been sent out to talk to me, to appease me maybe, who knows. She'd been newly assigned back to the Snr CS INT Office as a troubleshooter or "cracker jack unit" or something like this. She promised me she'd help me answer my tech queries but she never did. I really did not want to start another rundown and fail it. I hadn't even finished my Objectives yet. I decided I was going to take off again. I woke up at about 5AM in the morning and I snuck past the OGH gate guard. I walked stealthily towards the south side of the property. It was dark and I could just get mistaken for a staff member up late. I had scoped this out earlier, I knew there was a part of the property where a small transformer enclosure was next to the fence and so if I climbed on top of it, I could just hop over and land on the Levy side. Then run across the levy to the new 7 eleven down by Sanderson road and Romona Expressway. I made it to the enclosure and I climbed on top of it, then I jumped over. Easy. I started running :run: and Danny Dunnigan showed up. He was running after me. He begged me to slow down because he was out of shape. What the heck did I care? Danny finally caught up and he asked if I had cut my hand because he thought there was blood on the razor wire. He wanted to look at my hands. I started to look and then I realized that he was trying to grab my hands to cuff me. I sped up running and said, "Nice try Danny" He smiled. He said, "Man you are in good shape." I said, "No I'm not Danny, you need to stop smoking". Then I realized, "Oh wait a minute, I'm a smoker too" so I corrected myself, "Yes Danny, you are getting fat and your are out of shape". We got to the 7-eleven and I realized that I had been craving a cigarette. Someone hadn't bought my cigarettes that week and I'd been going cold turkey. Shit --- that on top of everything else.. no wonder I couldn't contain my temper.
I bought some cigarettes and I assessed my situation. I didn't know what this 7 eleven manager would think of me. I was not dressed well. My hair was a mess. I hadn't showered recently. I'd worn shorts and my legs were all dirty from walking across the levy and field to get to the 7 eleven. Danny was in uniform. He could claim I was "crazy" and maybe subdue me. I didn't know. What would happen if I told the Manager to call the police, I was being chased? Would he listen to me? Or to Danny. I'd been told that the Police and Fire Dept. loved the Gold Security Guards because they volunteered to help on local fires and such. I was at an impasse. I could make my sitation worse if I made the wrong move. I sat down outside and had a cigarette. Danny had called the Port Captain, Ken Hoden and the Staff Security Officer, Matt Butler. I suppose I could wait and hear what they had to say. That couldn't hurt. Matt showed up. He had one of my reports in his hand that he'd sent to RTC for me. It had an answer. A day late, but fine. The answer was that I did not have to do the EX DN Rundown and that my folders were getting reviewed and that Gelda was going to come and talk to me. I did actually like Gelda and respect her. Should I go back? Give everyone one last chance?
I wasn't in very good shape. I'd been having trouble sleeping again. My back hurt, my teeth hurt. I was in so much pain. I had thrown up a couple times. I had the runs and had to shit in a bucket in my room. I was falling apart. I had been losing weight again. So I decided to go back. I just didn't have the energy to fight and I really didn't know anything about the local police, if they would help me or not, or if they would be in the palm of Danny's hand. I went back to OGH. :shark:
I saw Gelda fairly soon. I'm glad they didn't make we wait that long. She told me that I was going to go off the property to do a PAB 6 program to destim. I had to sign a waiver and agree to the program, say that I was doing it of my own free will. I read the PAB 6 program, and it included getting seen by a doctor, so I was happy about that. I was going to get to go to a nice cabin out in Big Bear California. Milt Wolfe (ex Captain FSSO, who was holding the D of P post in Gold I think) and Barbara Thompkins from the Ranch were assigned to go with me to Big Bear.
It was summer of 2000, the lake at Big Bear was at a high level in 2000. This area was beautiful. Milt played music in his car on the way there. It was Celine Dion's "love is on the way". It made me feel better. I loved Celine's voice. I wondered how long she'd been a hit singer, what I'd been missing out on. Her music calmed my nerves and gave me a positive attitude. Once in Big Bear, we got a cabin. Someone had bought some food already for the cabin. It was stocked with foods I liked. Someone had done their homework. Barbara had a radio and we played some Fleetwood Mac music. I liked that. There was also a Tina Turner CD that I liked. Milt and Barbara had a nice CD collection between them. Or maybe it was just Milt's, I don't know.
Milt and Barbara had some "Harry Potter" books and I was allowed to read those. Wow, these were great books! I could just get totally absorbed into these stories. They were so uplifting. In the mornings, we would all get up at sunrise and go for a walk or a hike somewhere. Nothing too difficult for me or my back. We'd get back and I'd rest some and eat breakfast. I'd read or go out and do "tone scale drills" during the day. I'd do surveys in Big Bear on people and try to spot their tones. I'd never done these before. They were fun. Also sometimes during the day, I would get to go swimming in the lake. I could hardly do just one lap of the swimming area when I started swimming. After a couple weeks, I could do two. Gradually I got in good enough shape to do about five laps. I was proud of myself. I tried to get Barbara into the water, but she couldn't deal with it. Said it was too cold. She was in worse shape than me cardiovascularly. Either that or she couldn't swim and didn't want to admit it, or she could not stand the cold water.
We all were getting some health benefits. Barbara decided that she would stop smoking. She got some nicotine gum to help her. I just stopped. I was never a super heavy smoker so it was easier. Milt wanted to work on his high blood pressure. He would jog in the mornings after our walks and for dinners, he'd eat high protein foods, lean steaks and fish or chicken.
Barbara would do nerve assists on me almost daily and help me to stretch out my legs and back. Dr. Denk came out to see me. I explained all the pain I was in. He took some blood tests. He told me that he was doing some research into "insanity" and that he'd discovered that it can be genetically inherited. It had something to do with poor poor protein assimilation. He prescribed me B6 tablets and amino acids. This did hardly anything for all the aches and pains I was having, but I took them. I asked to see a dentist, but I was told "there was no money for this". It was hard for me to complain. This was the first time in my life I'd actually had anything close to a vacation. The hikes were truly amazing, all the trees and plants at Big Bear. There are a bunch of cool nature walks we went on. We would go to the movies in the evenings or rent videos. I started to catch up on the missed movies I had not seen. Wow, so many great movies. We went to a used book store and I bought a used bible. I wanted to find out what Christians believed. I'd had some nightmaires about Christ being nailed to a cross on a few occasions earlier out at OGH, it made me curious about Christ.
After three months out at Big Bear, I was feeling better. I had gained weight, looked healthier, felt healthier. I was told that I was going to be "offloaded". I said OK. I cried in my room at the cabin, but didn't let anyone see. I was sad I never got to see my sister or really talk to my husband before I had to sign divorce papers. I was sad that I couldn't take the one cat that had not gone off on it's own, Inky, with me. He had been my faithful companion for years at OGH. I climbed out the window and took a walk. I stuck a letter in the mail box to my Mom telling her I was going to come and visit her soon. I knew she'd like that. I returned to the cabin and I got my things in order. My belongings had been brought out to me. All my photo albums had been gone through, most of my pictures taken. My diaries and notes taken. My binder of study notes from all my studies had been taken. My file of all the carbon copies of my reports had been taken. That pissed me off. That was mine. How could they take that shit from me!!!
My last step was to get a sec check from an auditor in OSA named Joan Disker. When I sat down across from her, I told her, "look, you need to do a 'lie reaction' test on me because how will you know if I'm lying or not? This meter doesn't tell you what's real. She ignored me. Her question, "Do you have any evil intentions towards COB?" I said NO. She challenged me, questioned me extensively on this subject and I really didn't have any answers. I guess her meter verified that. Then she asked me if I had any missed witholds? I said NO. She demanded me to tell her what I thought of when she asked that question. Really, honestly, NO I said, why don't you check for false read? She repeated the question and did the THAT THAT thing on me and kept trying to dig stuff out of me. I could not leave the room unless I told her SOMETHING. I could tell that this was what was going on here. NOw, she HAD changed the question to "What did you THINK of when I asked you that question? So I THOUGHT something up! I could have been a great actress... I told her that I'd had a lesbian affair with another blown female staff member. I described what I did with this other female in detail and I cried remorsefully and everything ( where did I come up with this shit?) I even started to convince myself. I was lucky that Joan didn't know me at all. If she did, she would have known that I had NO time for any sex life of any kind when I was in the SO besides mental fatasys AND I really TRULY had no sex life. It ws my temper again. I was mad that the last person talking to me before I said good bye to the SO was someone who didn't even know me. I knew from the attitude in the SO about gay people, and LRH's homophobic writings in the 1.1 section of the Science of Survival book that doing something gay was a HUGE no no. So, I pretended to feel so much better to have gotten THAT off my chest and the session ended. Oh and I said that Erin Kitt had missed it. I secretly hoped that she'd get sec checked for it. Am I bad or what? I wonder if she did? I got my exam and that was IT!
No, it wasn't. :shark: I had to go to OSA at the HGB and sign some papers first. So I went over there. I read this long letter about how I was a big over product maker and how I'd lied about having an affair with a Scn Executive and how I lied about my grade chart steps, about how I'd cost the SO lost money from my OPs. Bla bla bla. I was supposed to agree to never say anything public about my experiences at the INt base, give up my first amendment rights on the matter. I didn't care about the strange case shit they'd put in their from my PC Folders. "just because it came up in session, doesn't mean it's reality" as Ken Hoden said to me. But, the thing about Overt Products? I asked for that to get removed or I wasn't going to sign it.
I had a long production record and almost none of it was OPs. Maybe I made about 2% mistakes, but NOt how this had been written. And as far as wasting Sea Org money!!!!! I argued that one out too. If the C of S had had to hire someone to do all their videos, they would have spent a million bucks. Come on here. Who was kidding who? So, the lawyer/OSA staff member lady went and got it revised. I contemplated running out the door and not signing anything. What would happen? I was on the seventh floor. There were security guards at the door. Hmmm.... I could end up having to stay longer. I wouldn't get to visit my Mom like I 'd promised. No, I thought, I will "be cool", I'll sign things and get out of here and go visit Mom. I had to get videoed saying that I was not under duress of any kind. I was under duress from the people in that room. Why was there a security guard at the door and sitting at the table with me? Plus I had not been in the "outside world" for many many years and I had no money to my name. I was scared. My nerves were on edge. I just wanted to get out of there. Finally it was over. I was promised a copy of what I signed but I never got it. I have no idea if they went and changed it back to the original, I would never know since I didn't get a copy. Oh, one more thing, I was told that if I signed the waiver, that I would be allowed to do the Grade Chart as public PC, I would have no Freeloader Debt, I'd get the 2,000 dollars of back pay in cash, and I would NOT be declared a Suppressivve PErson. So essentitally, if I didn't sign it, I'd have a big FL debt and I'd be declared a Suppressive and I'd have no money. That's kind of duress isn't it? It's written right into the waiver too.
I was FREE! But not entirely. The Security Guard, Matt had taken me to stay with a "Scientology family" Bob and Cory Brennan. Cory was the DSA Valley Org and Bob was an ex-SO OSA Attorney. He wasn't doing attorney shit for OSA anymore and had his own practise, but he had been OSA staff too for a while. At first I enjoyed the family like atmosphere. Bob and Corey's kids were great and they loved having me around to play with. I made some agreements with Bob to do work for him, watch the kids in return for room and board. I worked at Bob's company a little bit. The Brennans loaned me some money to go to a dentist. I got two root canals and I got my wisdom teeth removed. Wow, what a big Damn relief!! Cory was kind of mad at what condition I was in when I arrived at their house, the dental problems, the back problems. She wrote a big KR on Gold for squirrelling my PAB 6 (it was supposed to include a full medical handling) . I actually got a response from OSA WUS and I was told that I could file a Workers Comp Claim for my last accident fixing the water main in June. So I did. And I got some physical therapy out of it and I got my broken front tooth fixed. The dentist was amazed, he could not believe that I had been able to handle the pain of having an exposed root in my front tooth for so long, well that on top of the infected teeth and the wisdom teeth. I said I didn't know, it was like I had some kind of "pain shut off" and I'd just get mental and emotional problems instead. I never did get the MRIs and Cat Scans I'd wanted on my neck and back. That wasn't part of my last accident so didn't count I guess. I don't know. It was part of the other accidents, but that was all screwed up. Anyway, I finally got enough money for a plane ticket and I visited my Mom and brother in CW in 2001.
I am going to end this chapter on this happy note and take a break before I write the next chapter. I had made it out of the SO, now I had to make it out from under OSAs watchful eye and eventually out of the cult of Scientology...and get some REAL self-improvement help with my memory and my education and life.
We can't stop reading it nonetheless. 
I got a big hug from her. She was staying at an Assisted Living Facility in CW. She was semi happy about her existence, but there was something very sad about it. I really wanted better for her. I wanted her to have her own room. I wanted her to be getting better care, but I had no money. I'd wasted some of the best, healthiest years of my life making money for he C of S and none for me and my family. 
