I'm having an Existential Crisis!

[WildKat]

Help! I'm having an Existential Crisis!*

My mother, age 83, was recently put into a "memory care" facility, which is basically a nursing home for crazy old people. I just spent 3 days trying to help my sister go through her house, which was also the house I grew up in. It was filled ceiling to floor with endless piles and closets of “stuff” - old magazines, broken electronics, books, trash, jars with coins, important papers, memorabilia, collectibles, valuables mixed in with the trash…. NOTHING was ever thrown away.

She did not live alone, she had a younger “boyfriend” who seemed capable and lived with her and so we thought she was OK and well taken care of, but she wasn’t. My sister and I live far away in different states. The house smelled of old cigarettes, trash, and rotting carpets, drapes and furniture.They had become hoarders and buying addicts, and apparently could not throw anything out, or clean anything. She also smoked 2 packs a day inside the house and fed a dozen stray cats.

The existential crisis is this: What did she do to end up like this? Is this just what happens to old people who live too long? Is it genetic and will it happen to me if I live long enough? Or is this only the lot of old people who have no close family connections? Am I responsible? Is my sister responsible? Or is my mother responsible for the alienation of her children?

My sister and I had a pact: I would see to Dad’s affairs, and she would see to Mom’s.

I stepped in to take care of my father last year when he got elderly (86) and could no longer drive or take care of himself. And it was a gut-wrenching experience to go through. There is a gray area where an elderly person can take care of themselves one day, but seems less able the next, and back and forth like that for some time. He is now in a facility and is well taken care of. He’s depressed though, and has stated he would rather be dead. And I understand that.

My mom is now also in a different facility, and will be taken care of, but she too, is not happy about it.

And for the last several years she has not even remembered who I am. When I saw her this week, she called me by another name. I’m sure the years I spent in Scientology focusing on “saving the planet” and ignoring family had something to do with it. But I don’t ever remember being close to her, even before Scientology.

I have no children, but I have a mate, and he and I have one fear: When we are old, there will be no one to step in and take care of us. We have each other, and that’s it.

Is anyone else in this boat? I mean, getting older, no children, no plan for old age. We would not be able to afford an assisted living facility or nursing home. We both feel that life would not hold a lot of pleasure even if we did make it into our eighties and could afford the care.

How many people who swore they would rather die than go into a nursing home, are now in one? Or in need of one, but have no plans or money for it, and are just rotting away alone in a home with no one to help them? And their death will be signaled only by the neighbors reporting "a bad smell".

Why do so many people have the desire “to live as long as possible”?

I guess in a perfect universe, there would be happy families with children and grandma and grandpa all living in one house, like the old 70's TV show The Waltons, where everyone would take care of everyone. And no one would have to live in nursing homes being kept alive as long as possible only because they have Medicare.

If you have no children and no great wealth, what are your options? Drink the Hemlock when you turn 80?

I’m serious, does anyone else have these issues? It's freaking me out a bit, and I'm only in my 50's.

*Existential Crisis http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existential_crisis

 

[Cece]

Interesting post. You asked "Is anyone else in this boat? I mean, getting older, no children, no plan for old age."Humm well I fit 2 of 3.

I'm 61 and getting older.

I have 4 children but 2 are disconnected but I would not want my children to have to care for me ever ~ visits are nice thou.

As for plan for old age well I think about that too pretty often. I live in an RV and someday will travel wherever I feel like it. So that gives me something to look forward too. I'd like to visit parks and old friends.

Financially I have that handled unless there is a big expense but if there is I'll just have to stay put where I am and save up and handle it.

I kinda like the saying "To be happy one only needs someone to love, something to do and something to look forward too" or something similar.

So I just do the things that make me happy and avoid the ones that don't and if I have to handle the stuff I don't like too and make the best of it and then back to what makes me happy and keep in mind a future. Maybe in another 20 years or so I'll worry if I can't get up and down the steps or some other problem. Meanwhile I do force myself to exercise and I mean sometimes I have to force and I eat good which is easy.

Looks like maybe the messy house is getting too you? Hire some kids to help sort it out with you and spend a bit of time doing something else like going out for dinner or something. So what if her and her boyfriend lived like that. I've met some very nice and some enlightened persons that lived like that. No reason to judge that IMO. As for her memory ~ some of that can be handled with meds, nutrition, walks etc.

When both my Dad and then 10yrs later my Mom left, I was in such a stuck place within the church I really didn't think much of it (I was doing the Greatest good etc.)Now I look back and see I could not have helped more because I simply had to help myself so no regrets.

Let us know how it goes and lots of hugs

 

[phenomanon]

Help! I'm having an Existential Crisis!*

My mother, age 83, was recently put into a "memory care" facility, which is basically a nursing home for crazy old people. I just spent 3 days trying to help my sister go through her house, which was also the house I grew up in. It was filled ceiling to floor with endless piles and closets of “stuff” - old magazines, broken electronics, books, trash, jars with coins, important papers, memorabilia, collectibles, valuables mixed in with the trash…. NOTHING was ever thrown away.

She did not live alone, she had a younger “boyfriend” who seemed capable and lived with her and so we thought she was OK and well taken care of, but she wasn’t. My sister and I live far away in different states. The house smelled of old cigarettes, trash, and rotting carpets, drapes and furniture.They had become hoarders and buying addicts, and apparently could not throw anything out, or clean anything. She also smoked 2 packs a day inside the house and fed a dozen stray cats.

The existential crisis is this: What did she do to end up like this? Is this just what happens to old people who live too long? Is it genetic and will it happen to me if I live long enough? Or is this only the lot of old people who have no close family connections? Am I responsible? Is my sister responsible? Or is my mother responsible for the alienation of her children?

My sister and I had a pact: I would see to Dad’s affairs, and she would see to Mom’s.

I stepped in to take care of my father last year when he got elderly (86) and could no longer drive or take care of himself. And it was a gut-wrenching experience to go through. There is a gray area where an elderly person can take care of themselves one day, but seems less able the next, and back and forth like that for some time. He is now in a facility and is well taken care of. He’s depressed though, and has stated he would rather be dead. And I understand that.

My mom is now also in a different facility, and will be taken care of, but she too, is not happy about it.

And for the last several years she has not even remembered who I am. When I saw her this week, she called me by another name. I’m sure the years I spent in Scientology focusing on “saving the planet” and ignoring family had something to do with it. But I don’t ever remember being close to her, even before Scientology.

I have no children, but I have a mate, and he and I have one fear: When we are old, there will be no one to step in and take care of us. We have each other, and that’s it.

Is anyone else in this boat? I mean, getting older, no children, no plan for old age. We would not be able to afford an assisted living facility or nursing home. We both feel that life would not hold a lot of pleasure even if we did make it into our eighties and could afford the care.

How many people who swore they would rather die than go into a nursing home, are now in one? Or in need of one, but have no plans or money for it, and are just rotting away alone in a home with no one to help them? And their death will be signaled only by the neighbors reporting "a bad smell".

Why do so many people have the desire “to live as long as possible”?

I guess in a perfect universe, there would be happy families with children and grandma and grandpa all living in one house, like the old 70's TV show The Waltons, where everyone would take care of everyone. And no one would have to live in nursing homes being kept alive as long as possible only because they have Medicare.

If you have no children and no great wealth, what are your options? Drink the Hemlock when you turn 80?

I’m serious, does anyone else have these issues? It's freaking me out a bit, and I'm only in my 50's.

*Existential Crisis http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existential_crisis

Lighten up, Dude.
I'm 83, and I feel good.
In your 50s is not too late to begin to prepare for those years in your 80s.
I am thinking 110 for me, as long as I am healthy.
I like the idea of letting go.
I opt for a Hospice.
All is not gloom and doom . Age is not as significant as state of mind.

 

[lotus]

I have gone through about the same over the last years
plus mom died - serious family issues with strong disagreement.

What is happening now is that the devastation hit you in the face and it act as a mirror for you as you are aware it may happen to you. This crisis is painfull but will turn into someone aware - which is the best protection about what fears you.

I don't want to tell thing only to cover the fear but share all the informations I got when I found myself into the crisis you are in.

Despite painfull it is, you are now doing the best you can and I am almost certain you could not avoid what happened to your mother. It is a disease some old people gets and is related to brain impairement.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diogenes_syndrome

There is a lighter form of the syndrome but either one or the other, the person becomes unable to make decisions and the brain functions related to organisation are not properly functionning.

Even though trying to clean her house would have probably bring her under intense stress and despair.
I saw someone close to me, slowly falling into this disease. There was no way to throw things in the garbage without avoiding a crisis.

As I volunteer a lot with elderly, I see it happening on a regular basis. Some are rich some are poor.
When children are not close to their parents, the situation gets worse as nobody notice. But when children are close, they want to act upon the problem and it's a constant fight that makes the person insecure and very angry\anxious. Throwing their things is too much painfull and makes them very much insecure. It's like their last anchor points. So either one way or other the moment to take action is when things get too serious - before people usually refuses to moove.

So the disease is not directly related to how the children care about their parents but more because of brain impairment related to dementia.

You can do some researches about dementia - Alzheimer may have genetic components but the last researches show that all forms of dementias are because of a combination of environment and way of living factors (nutrition, exercice, social connections, social network, isolation, lack of nutriements, genetics, old age, etc... it doen't have one single cause - but it worsen with isolation and when people are left alone but the older the person is the more there is a risk)

Now that she is in a center, if she has proper care and nutriments like Omega 3 - choline and good efa with some recent medications good meals, she migh live pretty much well but won't probably recover her memory. The fact that people care and are present may help her symptoms to get a bit better as for her mood.
A doctor and neuro-psychologolists may conduct tests with her to make the right diagnosis and see for the best therapy.

Whatever you would have done wouldn't prevent this disease - you could only have noticed it sooner with visits to her. So please don't torture yourself.

A lot of baby boomers are experiencing the same so you are not alone and it's not a punishement for your wrong doings. It seems you acted when aware and your mother is now having care.
You father has been looked over and the important is to ensure both are still taken care and secured by their children.

It might be better your mom is unaware of the decisions you make about throwing out what needs to be, as it can disturb her very much. A good thing is to ask what she wants to get with her, in her bedroom. Usually they name just a few things and they like their music and photographs) It's better to avoid tell her belongings are gone till she forgets about it.

Concerning your fears , when you get yourself informed about the dementias and diogene you can be aware of what can be done now to keep your brain in the best shape as possible. As we live older, it's a risk for anyone of us.

But to reassure you I can say that even with the poorest people, not having proper nutrition and social network , dementias are not happening with most of them, in my area, and usually to very old age. Alzheimer is not that much frequent in the 70's from my own observations.

Keeping busy with social network , having the brain to perfom all type of tasks regularly is the best strategy. When one isolates and only do repetitive and routine tasks, he\she is more at risk.
I have friends who volunteer with me and they are 80-85 in perfect mental and physical shape - they danse, play bridge, get busy, travel, do gardening and a lot more than me.

Be certain that if you take things on a daily basis, as they come, it will be much easier and life will supply the strenght you need, especially if you don't burn too much energy in anxiety. There is also nice thing to come in old age.
People having a tendancy to anxiety may be apparently much vulnerable to brain disease - so we shall keep zen. (my father)

As the times are difficult, you may decide to go for zen and have daily walk in nature, a bit of meditation, gardening, anything to bring peace and calm within you.
Engage in arts, danse , enything that bring joy and passion.

Be confident things will settle , and despite it is very much sad and painfull to see our parent degrading, if you keep your heart open, you may learn from vulnerability, humbleness and the painfull awareness of the fact life is fragile and short! There may also be some moments of joy even though they become like children.

The best you can do is to make it the best for you and them with finding small good moments , a smile, a song, holding their hands.

Each time I visit my father, It makes me cry. I am too much sensitive about it, but it gets better with time.
He doesn't remember my name, but as soon he sees me, there is sparks in his eyes. I know I bring joy to him as he recognize my smile and humour. :confused2:
The lesson he gives me is to live with joy and make the best of my life NOW - let people know I care for them, be more tolerant, laugh a lot and bring joy for entering my old days.

The doctor said he is not anxious anymore and apprently lost in his mind without any agitation. Sometimes I can talk a bit with him as he comes back in PT for a few minutes. So I make the best of it and we laugh while I tease him.

Despite my assertive way of writting there are only my thaughts and suggestions.
You may find some more much more valuable informations and experiences.

I wish the best to you and your parents in these difficult times and feel very much empathy for what you experience now but am confident you have the strenght to go through if you keep calm and learn to give up to anxiety.

 

[Lone Star]

Help! I'm having an Existential Crisis!*

My mother, age 83, was recently put into a "memory care" facility, which is basically a nursing home for crazy old people. I just spent 3 days trying to help my sister go through her house, which was also the house I grew up in. It was filled ceiling to floor with endless piles and closets of “stuff” - old magazines, broken electronics, books, trash, jars with coins, important papers, memorabilia, collectibles, valuables mixed in with the trash…. NOTHING was ever thrown away.

She did not live alone, she had a younger “boyfriend” who seemed capable and lived with her and so we thought she was OK and well taken care of, but she wasn’t. My sister and I live far away in different states. The house smelled of old cigarettes, trash, and rotting carpets, drapes and furniture.They had become hoarders and buying addicts, and apparently could not throw anything out, or clean anything. She also smoked 2 packs a day inside the house and fed a dozen stray cats.

The existential crisis is this: What did she do to end up like this? Is this just what happens to old people who live too long? Is it genetic and will it happen to me if I live long enough? Or is this only the lot of old people who have no close family connections? Am I responsible? Is my sister responsible? Or is my mother responsible for the alienation of her children?

My sister and I had a pact: I would see to Dad’s affairs, and she would see to Mom’s.

I stepped in to take care of my father last year when he got elderly (86) and could no longer drive or take care of himself. And it was a gut-wrenching experience to go through. There is a gray area where an elderly person can take care of themselves one day, but seems less able the next, and back and forth like that for some time. He is now in a facility and is well taken care of. He’s depressed though, and has stated he would rather be dead. And I understand that.

My mom is now also in a different facility, and will be taken care of, but she too, is not happy about it.

And for the last several years she has not even remembered who I am. When I saw her this week, she called me by another name. I’m sure the years I spent in Scientology focusing on “saving the planet” and ignoring family had something to do with it. But I don’t ever remember being close to her, even before Scientology.

I have no children, but I have a mate, and he and I have one fear: When we are old, there will be no one to step in and take care of us. We have each other, and that’s it.

Is anyone else in this boat? I mean, getting older, no children, no plan for old age. We would not be able to afford an assisted living facility or nursing home. We both feel that life would not hold a lot of pleasure even if we did make it into our eighties and could afford the care.

How many people who swore they would rather die than go into a nursing home, are now in one? Or in need of one, but have no plans or money for it, and are just rotting away alone in a home with no one to help them? And their death will be signaled only by the neighbors reporting "a bad smell".

Why do so many people have the desire “to live as long as possible”?

I guess in a perfect universe, there would be happy families with children and grandma and grandpa all living in one house, like the old 70's TV show The Waltons, where everyone would take care of everyone. And no one would have to live in nursing homes being kept alive as long as possible only because they have Medicare.

If you have no children and no great wealth, what are your options? Drink the Hemlock when you turn 80?

I’m serious, does anyone else have these issues? It's freaking me out a bit, and I'm only in my 50's.

*Existential Crisis http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existential_crisis

Yes I have thought about all of this too. I am currently taking care of one of my parents. One day of course it'll get to the point when I cannot do it myself and then it'll be off to a nursing home for dear old..... It will suck, but it is what it is. You're born wearing diapers, and then you probably will die wearing diapers if you are "blessed" with a long life. The joke's on us.

Personally I most certainly do not have the desire to "live as long as possible". Not even in the least bit do I want a long life. People think I'm kidding when I say that, but I am most assuredly not kidding. I don't want to live past 60. Sixty goddamn trips around the sun is plenty. If I'm still alive at 65, well, then I'll probably take matters into my own hands. Fuck growing old. I'm still technically middle aged but already feel like shit much of the time. I know it'll only get worse with each passing year. I've seen it time and time again with others. And I do eat healthily and exercise, don't drink too much, don't smoke, yada, yada, fucking yada.... I probably should just "do everything wrong". Might as well.


Life is truly absurd. Camus was right.


Yes, I am the eternal pessimist.







* Note: BTW, I'm not actually new here to ESMB. I am a sock puppet. Yes, that's right. Having difficulty logging in with my usual ID. It's not my purpose to cause trouble by saying things as a sock that I wouldn't ordinarily say as "myself". In fact my sock puppet is nicer than the real me. (Split valence, party of one...or is that two?). I guess I should reveal myself. Nah. I said I was nice, but that doesn't mean that I'm open and forthright too. What am I supposed to be, a perfect little Boy Scout?

:wink2:

 

[TG1]

You're a good daughter. Your mom's situation is not your fault. Nobody is judging you. Please stop judging yourself.

I don't mean to belittle your anxiety, but what I'm really thinking is: Put on your big-girl pants. This is why they say growing old isn't for sissies. Seriously. They say that.

What'd you think -- we were all gonna live forever? Eventually, if we're lucky we all get old, we all look old, we can't hop around like we did when we were in our 20s, 50s and 60s, and some of us don't weather it well.

And when you don't thrive as an old person, IT IS NOT A CHARACTER FLAW. IT IS OLD FUCKING AGE.

My mom is 95 and was diagnosed with Alzheimers 15 years ago. She came to live with us over 10 years ago. Three years after that, she broke her hip. Talk about your "Hill Tens." (The exes know what that means.) And then she recovered from it enough to continue to be mobile.

But thereafter, we had 24/7 care for her here at home (I'm still working). That was another Hill Ten, financially speaking.

Then 2 1/2 years ago when she was 92 years old, as her disease continued to progress, I could no longer find home caregivers to match Mom's needs. I finally had to make the tough decision to put her in a nursing home. It was a big transition for her and for me. But we got through it. The nursing home staff do a great job. They are very competent and kind to her. And no, they're not perfect. But nobody is.

I sleep well knowing Mom is cared for there better than I could care for her here at home. Heck, if she were still here at home I'd probably have shot her and then me.

Some advice from the voice of experience:

1. Do not get into a pissing match with your sibling(s) about your mom's condition or her care or the mess you have to clean up. Either clean it up, don't clean it up, or hire someone to do it. Do not waste your energy and your sibling relationships bitching at each other about it. The truth: IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS, EVERYONE IS DOING THE BEST THEY CAN AT THE MOMENT THEY'RE DOING IT. In the future, they will do better.

2. Treat the nursing home and the personnel there like your partners in caring for your mom. Stop suspecting them. They are WAY better trained and experienced at dealing with people in your mother's situation than you are. Your anxieties are far harder for them to handle than your mom's anxieties. She will adapt to her new situation. Try to trust me on this.

3. Turning to your needs ... start making new friends now. And get better at making new friends on the fly. Your friends will keep you company as you age. And you'll need new ones to replace the ones who die on you.

4. Stop being afraid of death. It'll come to you, whether you fight it or not. Every single person in the world who has lived has died or will soon die. Surely, you can manage it, too. Think of it as a new adventure. Something will come after that. Or it won't. Either way, you'll be fine.

5. If you don't have a dog or a cat, get a dog or a cat. They're much better companions than human beings. (EDIT: Well, maybe not ALL human beings -- but they are wonderful.)

6. Take out your garbage every day.

7. Leave your house every day. Talk to strangers. Eat your vegetables. Play sudoku.

That's all I got.

 

[Reasonable]

Great Post

This post applies directly to me. Honestly i don't know what I will do. Right now I am trying to make enough money so that I can be taken care of. It could go either way for me. I may be in a state run facility. Or maybe i will die quickly. I have thought of taking the Hemlock or driving over a cliff if thugs get bad enough. I am not so much afraid of dying as of the pain of dying. But in the end I really don't think I have to nerve to end it all.

I thought maybe if I have enough money I would get a care taker at the end of my life and then will everything to that person.

But I don't think that it is importation to squeak out every last year.

Assisted living is ridiculously expensive.

I am just trying to stay healthy. If you don't have children to count on then you better make some money.

It is a sticky question , you are not alone yet it seems many of us are.

 

[TG1]

P.S. In a few years, we'll sell "the big house" and move to a one-story condo/loft in an urban center, above a Starbucks, restaurant, small grocery store, and a wine shop -- all of which is four blocks from a university and in the middle of the arts / music / coffee house section of town. Seriously, we have already picked our place out. And that, my friends, is how we are defining "assisted living." After that, it probably will be a nursing home. C'est la vie!

 

[WildKat]

I kinda like the saying "To be happy one only needs someone to love, something to do and something to look forward too" or something similar.

Yes, this is a great saying, and I agree! It's the "have something to look forward to" that gets to me. When you've been around dementia, death, dying, it's hard to get back to the living, which I know is what I need to do. That, and clean my own house! LOL.

 

[Helena Handbasket]

Help! I'm having an Existential Crisis! ... The existential crisis is this: What did she do to end up like this? Is this just what happens to old people who live too long? Is it genetic and will it happen to me if I live long enough? Or is this only the lot of old people who have no close family connections? Am I responsible? Is my sister responsible? Or is my mother responsible for the alienation of her children?

WK, I'm not convinced this counts as an existential crisis (although I'm sure it is a crisis). An existential crisis questions why do we come into this world to begin with, and what good purpose does that serve? Her life seems to be going far from well, but that's a separate issue from the meaning of life itself.

... They had become hoarders and buying addicts, and apparently could not throw anything out, or clean anything. She also smoked 2 packs a day inside the house and fed a dozen stray cats.

Sounds like my father. He had this habit, of when something would break (like an appliance), of buying a new one and putting the old one in the basement. When he died it cost me $1000 just to have the useless junk hauled away.

Going through your things and getting rid of what you don't need is a skill. And you have to be able to do it. The alternative is to let the mess accumulate until you die, when the next generation comes in and says, what was he keeping that for? Then it all goes to the dump.

When he died he was living in a house that, at it's maximum, held six people (including yours truly) and a cat. All filled with junk.

He’s depressed though, and has stated he would rather be dead. And I understand that.

I understand that, too. There's a reason I call myself Helena Handbasket. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/To_hell_in_a_handbasket

I believe many of these symptoms can be dealt with with hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I've been doing that on and off. Part of the problem is that they stopped making one medication I was taking. I need to find a substitute and start taking it, but in the meantime it's been about a year since I had it last.

I should work harder at this. But I've lost my love for life, and tend to think what does it matter? It's a chicken-and-egg question: what came first, not taking this med or feeling so down I don't want to take it?

HRT can solve a lot of problems, particularly the problems of old age. But governments (doesn't matter which country) don't want to encourage this. They don't want people to reach Social Security/Public Pension age then continue to draw benefits, indefinitely. These systems are already financially stressed.

I wish I could look back and say I've had a happy and fulfilling life but the truth is I haven't. My life has been sad and frustrating, with little physical pleasure. There have only been three times in my life when I could truly say I was happy (one to three years duration each).

I am not so much afraid of dying as of the pain of dying. But in the end I really don't think I have to nerve to end it all.

That's the way I feel. But I've thought about it. A lot.

Helena

 

[oneonewasaracecar]

Help! I'm having an Existential Crisis!*

My mother, age 83, was recently put into a "memory care" facility, which is basically a nursing home for crazy old people. I just spent 3 days trying to help my sister go through her house, which was also the house I grew up in. It was filled ceiling to floor with endless piles and closets of “stuff” - old magazines, broken electronics, books, trash, jars with coins, important papers, memorabilia, collectibles, valuables mixed in with the trash…. NOTHING was ever thrown away.

She did not live alone, she had a younger “boyfriend” who seemed capable and lived with her and so we thought she was OK and well taken care of, but she wasn’t. My sister and I live far away in different states. The house smelled of old cigarettes, trash, and rotting carpets, drapes and furniture.They had become hoarders and buying addicts, and apparently could not throw anything out, or clean anything. She also smoked 2 packs a day inside the house and fed a dozen stray cats.

The existential crisis is this: What did she do to end up like this? Is this just what happens to old people who live too long? Is it genetic and will it happen to me if I live long enough? Or is this only the lot of old people who have no close family connections? Am I responsible? Is my sister responsible? Or is my mother responsible for the alienation of her children?

My sister and I had a pact: I would see to Dad’s affairs, and she would see to Mom’s.

I stepped in to take care of my father last year when he got elderly (86) and could no longer drive or take care of himself. And it was a gut-wrenching experience to go through. There is a gray area where an elderly person can take care of themselves one day, but seems less able the next, and back and forth like that for some time. He is now in a facility and is well taken care of. He’s depressed though, and has stated he would rather be dead. And I understand that.

My mom is now also in a different facility, and will be taken care of, but she too, is not happy about it.

And for the last several years she has not even remembered who I am. When I saw her this week, she called me by another name. I’m sure the years I spent in Scientology focusing on “saving the planet” and ignoring family had something to do with it. But I don’t ever remember being close to her, even before Scientology.

I have no children, but I have a mate, and he and I have one fear: When we are old, there will be no one to step in and take care of us. We have each other, and that’s it.

Is anyone else in this boat? I mean, getting older, no children, no plan for old age. We would not be able to afford an assisted living facility or nursing home. We both feel that life would not hold a lot of pleasure even if we did make it into our eighties and could afford the care.

How many people who swore they would rather die than go into a nursing home, are now in one? Or in need of one, but have no plans or money for it, and are just rotting away alone in a home with no one to help them? And their death will be signaled only by the neighbors reporting "a bad smell".

Why do so many people have the desire “to live as long as possible”?

I guess in a perfect universe, there would be happy families with children and grandma and grandpa all living in one house, like the old 70's TV show The Waltons, where everyone would take care of everyone. And no one would have to live in nursing homes being kept alive as long as possible only because they have Medicare.

If you have no children and no great wealth, what are your options? Drink the Hemlock when you turn 80?

I’m serious, does anyone else have these issues? It's freaking me out a bit, and I'm only in my 50's.

*Existential Crisis http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existential_crisis

It doesn't happen to everyone. When I was in New Mexico, I met 2 guys who fought in the 2nd World War. They would both be in their 90s. They seemed pretty capable to me.

I met a survivor in New York about 5 years ago. He worked for the IMF or the World bank and he had tattoos with his name on them in different languages. He told me that he was retired but the bank kept pulling him back in to do more work. He was a lawyer/financial expert. He was trusted with legal issues that secured billions of dollars, if not trillions. Pretty sharp.

What helps is having an active mind. There is a lot of work going on with neural plasticity staving of Alzheimers, and other treatments for mental issues related to age. As the population ages, expect a lot of moey to be sunk into this area.

People in our age bracket likely won't retire until they're 80, so there will be a hugh investment in this technology in the present and future.

 

[In present time]

Oh the irony.

 

[degraded being]

You're a good daughter. Your mom's situation is not your fault. Nobody is judging you. Please stop judging yourself.

I don't mean to belittle your anxiety, but what I'm really thinking is: Put on your big-girl pants. This is why they say growing old isn't for sissies. Seriously. They say that.

What'd you think -- we were all gonna live forever? Eventually, if we're lucky we all get old, we all look old, we can't hop around like we did when we were in our 20s, 50s and 60s, and some of us don't weather it well.

And when you don't thrive as an old person, IT IS NOT A CHARACTER FLAW. IT IS OLD FUCKING AGE.

My mom is 95 and was diagnosed with Alzheimers 15 years ago. She came to live with us over 10 years ago. Three years after that, she broke her hip. Talk about your "Hill Tens." (The exes know what that means.) And then she recovered from it enough to continue to be mobile.

But thereafter, we had 24/7 care for her here at home (I'm still working). That was another Hill Ten, financially speaking.

Then 2 1/2 years ago when she was 92 years old, as her disease continued to progress, I could no longer find home caregivers to match Mom's needs. I finally had to make the tough decision to put her in a nursing home. It was a big transition for her and for me. But we got through it. The nursing home staff do a great job. They are very competent and kind to her. And no, they're not perfect. But nobody is.

I sleep well knowing Mom is cared for there better than I could care for her here at home. Heck, if she were still here at home I'd probably have shot her and then me.

Some advice from the voice of experience:

1. Do not get into a pissing match with your sibling(s) about your mom's condition or her care or the mess you have to clean up. Either clean it up, don't clean it up, or hire someone to do it. Do not waste your energy and your sibling relationships bitching at each other about it. The truth: IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS, EVERYONE IS DOING THE BEST THEY CAN AT THE MOMENT THEY'RE DOING IT. In the future, they will do better.

2. Treat the nursing home and the personnel there like your partners in caring for your mom. Stop suspecting them. They are WAY better trained and experienced at dealing with people in your mother's situation than you are. Your anxieties are far harder for them to handle than your mom's anxieties. She will adapt to her new situation. Try to trust me on this.

3. Turning to your needs ... start making new friends now. And get better at making new friends on the fly. Your friends will keep you company as you age. And you'll need new ones to replace the ones who die on you.

4. Stop being afraid of death. It'll come to you, whether you fight it or not. Every single person in the world who has lived has died or will soon die. Surely, you can manage it, too. Think of it as a new adventure. Something will come after that. Or it won't. Either way, you'll be fine.

5. If you don't have a dog or a cat, get a dog or a cat. They're much better companions than human beings. (EDIT: Well, maybe not ALL human beings -- but they are wonderful.)

6. Take out your garbage every day.

7. Leave your house every day. Talk to strangers. Eat your vegetables. Play sudoku.

That's all I got.

That's all very wise advice and all of it is worth retaining.

With this bit here...:

"..And when you don't thrive as an old person, IT IS NOT A CHARACTER FLAW. IT IS OLD FUCKING AGE..."

I have decided to remember it and apply it to other things which might be mistakenly interpreted as character flaws...

IT IS NOT A CHARACTER FLAW. IT IS....'X'.....

 

[WildKat]

Lighten up, Dude.
I'm 83, and I feel good.
In your 50s is not too late to begin to prepare for those years in your 80s.
I am thinking 110 for me, as long as I am healthy.
I like the idea of letting go.
I opt for a Hospice.
All is not gloom and doom . Age is not as significant as state of mind.

Yes, am trying to lighten up. I know it will get better, it was just so fricken depressing!
But answer me this, Dude,
How does "thinking 110" and the idea of "letting go" jive? Sounds like holding on as long as possible.
But if you are healthy and sane, live as long as you want.

 

[WildKat]

Be confident things will settle , and despite it is very much sad and painfull to see our parent degrading, if you keep your heart open, you may learn from vulnerability, humbleness and the painfull awareness of the fact life is fragile and short! There may also be some moments of joy even though they become like children.

Thank you for your kind words, especially these above! It helps! Hugs back!

 

[WildKat]

Personally I most certainly do not have the desire to "live as long as possible". Not even in the least bit do I want a long life. People think I'm kidding when I say that, but I am most assuredly not kidding. I don't want to live past 60. Sixty goddamn trips around the sun is plenty. If I'm still alive at 65, well, then I'll probably take matters into my own hands. Fuck growing old.

This pretty much sums up how I feel or felt too. But 65 is pretty young! I set the limit at 80 because that's the age my parents deteriorated. But there's other people having fun at 80 and beyond, so it's all relative, ain't it?

 

[WildKat]

You're a good daughter. Your mom's situation is not your fault. Nobody is judging you. Please stop judging yourself.

I don't mean to belittle your anxiety, but what I'm really thinking is: Put on your big-girl pants. This is why they say growing old isn't for sissies. Seriously. They say that.

What'd you think -- we were all gonna live forever? Eventually, if we're lucky we all get old, we all look old, we can't hop around like we did when we were in our 20s, 50s and 60s, and some of us don't weather it well.

And when you don't thrive as an old person, IT IS NOT A CHARACTER FLAW. IT IS OLD FUCKING AGE.

My mom is 95 and was diagnosed with Alzheimers 15 years ago. She came to live with us over 10 years ago. Three years after that, she broke her hip. Talk about your "Hill Tens." (The exes know what that means.) And then she recovered from it enough to continue to be mobile.

But thereafter, we had 24/7 care for her here at home (I'm still working). That was another Hill Ten, financially speaking.

Then 2 1/2 years ago when she was 92 years old, as her disease continued to progress, I could no longer find home caregivers to match Mom's needs. I finally had to make the tough decision to put her in a nursing home. It was a big transition for her and for me. But we got through it. The nursing home staff do a great job. They are very competent and kind to her. And no, they're not perfect. But nobody is.

I sleep well knowing Mom is cared for there better than I could care for her here at home. Heck, if she were still here at home I'd probably have shot her and then me.

Some advice from the voice of experience:

1. Do not get into a pissing match with your sibling(s) about your mom's condition or her care or the mess you have to clean up. Either clean it up, don't clean it up, or hire someone to do it. Do not waste your energy and your sibling relationships bitching at each other about it. The truth: IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS, EVERYONE IS DOING THE BEST THEY CAN AT THE MOMENT THEY'RE DOING IT. In the future, they will do better.

2. Treat the nursing home and the personnel there like your partners in caring for your mom. Stop suspecting them. They are WAY better trained and experienced at dealing with people in your mother's situation than you are. Your anxieties are far harder for them to handle than your mom's anxieties. She will adapt to her new situation. Try to trust me on this.

3. Turning to your needs ... start making new friends now. And get better at making new friends on the fly. Your friends will keep you company as you age. And you'll need new ones to replace the ones who die on you.

4. Stop being afraid of death. It'll come to you, whether you fight it or not. Every single person in the world who has lived has died or will soon die. Surely, you can manage it, too. Think of it as a new adventure. Something will come after that. Or it won't. Either way, you'll be fine.

5. If you don't have a dog or a cat, get a dog or a cat. They're much better companions than human beings. (EDIT: Well, maybe not ALL human beings -- but they are wonderful.)

6. Take out your garbage every day.

7. Leave your house every day. Talk to strangers. Eat your vegetables. Play sudoku.

That's all I got.

Thanks for all this! I am grateful that my sister and I get along great and are definitely NOT fighting over anything. We trust and support each other, and that makes it much easier. I have heard horror stories about sibling fights. I am also very grateful to the nursing personnel. I think they do care and have a very tough job, so I try to support them.

Also, I don't think I am afraid of death. I do fear suffering and loss of awareness, however.

 

[WildKat]

WK, I'm not convinced this counts as an existential crisis (although I'm sure it is a crisis). An existential crisis questions why do we come into this world to begin with, and what good purpose does that serve? Her life seems to be going far from well, but that's a separate issue from the meaning of life itself.
.........
I wish I could look back and say I've had a happy and fulfilling life but the truth is I haven't. My life has been sad and frustrating, with little physical pleasure. There have only been three times in my life when I could truly say I was happy (one to three years duration each).

On the question why do we come into this world to begin with and what good purpose does it serve? Yes, I have that question too. And I've had a lot of sadness and frustration also. I do still have moments of fun and laughter, and that's supposed to make it all worthwhile.

Reminds me of "This too shall pass" Doesn't matter if it's good or bad. Give it time, it will change.

 

[Helena Handbasket]

On the question why do we come into this world to begin with and what good purpose does it serve? Yes, I have that question too. And I've had a lot of sadness and frustration also. I do still have moments of fun and laughter, and that's supposed to make it all worthwhile.

Reminds me of "This too shall pass" Doesn't matter if it's good or bad. Give it time, it will change.

I've had moments of fun and laughter too but few in number and all too brief. Not nearly enough to make the trip worthwhile.

And yes, "this too shall pass" applies not only to the the bad things in life, but to the good things also. Or as I like to say, "this too shall pass -- but then it will just come back again".

That and "If I'm 60 and tired, is that all right because I'm active enough for my age? If I'm 70 and often in hospital, is that all right because I'm healthy enough for my age? If I'm 80 and dead, is that all right because I'm alive enough for my age? I don't think so.".

Helena

 

[Wants2Talk]

My mom passed 14 years ago at home 17 days after a cancer diagnosis. I am still cleaning out her house! There is a light on the kitchen wall I turn on for her. I feel her with me a lot.

I am blessed to have the daughter for whom I fought for 4 years. I let her boyfriend live in my house. She is my magic partner. I have three children I have not seen since my mom died due to disconnection.

I work to fulfill my reasons for being and to be known as me. I hope to buy a farm for my unborn grand children. I hope to reunite my family.

Passing of Mom and Dad is the ultimate existential crisis. Words fall short - may you find shoulders and hugs.