I'm having an Existential Crisis!

[Lulu Belle]

Dementia is not 24/7 - the memory comes and goes. Sometimes someone with dementia remembers everything, sometimes they're just in another world altogether. Some remember people and things more recent, some remember people and things from the past. There's no real rules for it, but I've observed that when a person is anxious or depressed, the dementia is at its worst. The best way to deal with it is just go with the flow and don't take it personally. Forget about trying to bring back the mother you knew, and just accept whoever or however she is when you see her. If she's talking about a birthday party 20 years ago, be a participant. If she always hated cheesecake and suddenly loves it, that's okay too! The only real rule is to be good to the person, don't talk about them in front of them, don't talk to them like they are children, but treat them with dignity and as if they are just FINE. It is the true test of love, of accepting a person exactly as they are, how they are, with all the faults, physical and mental, but if you do that, you will have peace of mind and will be good company for your mother and make her happy, too.

On the plus side, it's usually pretty easy to make an elderly person with dementia happy. They expect so little and are so appreciative.

Keep her relaxed, keep her happy. There will be days and times she remembers you, but don't try to force it or make it happen because that just causes stress to both of you and the only thing you really can do to help is keep any stress to a minimum and be completely in the present with her. NOTHING else helps, I promise you (other than general healthy things... there is no miracle cure, though, and dementia cycles downward no matter what.) You could have keepsakes and personal things, pictures and such, around to help trigger her memory, but if they upset her because she can't remember and wants to do so, then do what she wishes to keep her calm and happy and remove what may upset her.

It's not as bad as you think. Like I said, most dementia people are pretty easy to please and most are pretty happy. It's the family that feels all twisted about it because they have expectations of memories that just aren't there anymore. Enjoy her for who she is now, be adaptable and ready for change at every visit and just be with her and make her happy. Forget any serious conversations about anything - what's done or not done in the past is over. Messy or not, it cannot be repaired. All you can do now is be the best child a mother ever had.

Sheila....

I have to be honest with you.

I don't know and can't judge how it is for other people, but for me, I can't relate to being this perfect child of a parent in this state.

It's one thing to be in a controlled environment, dealing with people who have been put on correct medication, who are being properly cared for by professionals. Who you can pop by for a visit once in a while, then leave.

And who you aren't related to.

That may be your reality, but it sure isn't mine.

This is not the reality that a lot of us children face. Some of us have parents who refuse to see a doctor. That can't afford to have someone come and make them take medications every day and who refuse to take them on their own.

Who, every time you try to get them to do something they don't want to do that's for their own good, they turn on you.

They aren't "easy to please" and they aren't "pretty happy".

What my reality is is that the system has basically told me: "It's your mother. It's your problem." But I'm the last person, in reality, that my mother will listen to. To her, I'm still the kid, and there's no way her kid is going to tell her what to do.

And, she's my mother. Even before the dementia I couldn't spend an entire day with her without feeling like I was going to lose my mind. She drives me crazy. She pushes my buttons. Now it's like everything about her that drove me bonkers even before the dementia is amplified by the disease.

It's just...not that easy. I read all these things from all these noble kids who took care of their parents and I feel like I'm a total shit because...I don't want to do this. I never signed up for it. If I could hand it over to someone else, I probably would.

But I don't have a choice. She doesn't have anyone else. I have to make my way through this the best I can because there isn't an alternative.

But I don't have to like it. And I'll be the first one to tell you I'm not good at it.

And I never will be "the best child a mother ever had".

 

[WildKat]

Oy vey you are going to give me an existential crisis.

First you should stop referring to patients with dementia and Alzheimer's "crazy old people", because, yes, you might become one one day. They aren't crazy old people, they are just aging. Some people age better than others.

There are lots and lots of tests for early onset dementia and Alzheimer's and lots of new, very effective medications. None of them are a cure by any means, but they do prolong normal life for a while.

I can't honestly say that I a whole lot about Alzheimer's and dementia and the care available, but I do know that there are lots of assisted senior living homes.

What bothers me is your question about, "why do so many people have the desire 'to live as long as possible?'" Why are you asking that? Do you want to die?

You should know that there is nothing wrong with needing help as you age. Just because you can't live independently doesn't mean you should want to die.

Thanks for your comments. Yes, my fear is that I will become like my mother, and have no children to help me out. That is why I WOULD rather choose to die than live in a body that can experience no pleasure and with a mind that I would call "crazy". In my estimation, there ARE fates worth than death. I have empathy for these people in nursing homes. I do not want to end up like them, but that is the dilemma. How to prevent that?

If you have not seen what I am talking about, try visiting one of these facilities, especially one that specializes in Alzheimers. Yes, some people do well in a nursing home and are happy to be alive, but for others, it's just a prison.

I don't get the "life at any cost" idea that people have. This is why most people choose DNR directives and hospice, which allow people to die when it's time to go, while keeping them out of pain and comfortable. Our present system of trying to "extend life, damn the cost" is not natural.

The problem is not having a plan for how/when to go with dignity. I know it upsets people to talk about it. But we're all going to be at that point sooner or later.

I'm going to go review my paperwork that I did several years ago.

 

[WildKat]

Sheila....

I have to be honest with you.

I don't know and can't judge how it is for other people, but for me, I can't relate to being this perfect child of a parent in this state.

It's one thing to be in a controlled environment, dealing with people who have been put on correct medication, who are being properly cared for by professionals. Who you can pop by for a visit once in a while, then leave.

And who you aren't related to.

That may be your reality, but it sure isn't mine.

This is not the reality that a lot of us children face. Some of us have parents who refuse to see a doctor. That can't afford to have someone come and make them take medications every day and who refuse to take them on their own.

Who, every time you try to get them to do something they don't want to do that's for their own good, they turn on you.

They aren't "easy to please" and they aren't "pretty happy".

What my reality is is that the system has basically told me: "It's your mother. It's your problem." But I'm the last person, in reality, that my mother will listen to. To her, I'm still the kid, and there's no way her kid is going to tell her what to do.

And, she's my mother. Even before the dementia I couldn't spend an entire day with her without feeling like I was going to lose my mind. She drives me crazy. She pushes my buttons. Now it's like everything about her that drove me bonkers even before the dementia is amplified by the disease.

It's just...not that easy. I read all these things from all these noble kids who took care of their parents and I feel like I'm a total shit because...I don't want to do this. I never signed up for it. If I could hand it over to someone else, I probably would.

But I don't have a choice. She doesn't have anyone else. I have to make my way through this the best I can because there isn't an alternative.

But I don't have to like it. And I'll be the first one to tell you I'm not good at it.

And I never will be "the best child a mother ever had".

LuLuBelle, I have to thank you for this post. I feel your frustration and feel like I can empathize completely. It is not "one size fits all" in this game. For some children, it is totally natural to take in a parent because of a closeness or bond they felt since childhood. For others, it is not so easy due to alienation or even outright abuse.

I was never close to either of my parents and I won't go into details, but the "warm and fuzzies" just were never there. I want to do right by them, I never hated them, but I would be sacrificing my own life to have either of them come live with me. Plus I work full time still in a very demanding job, and already feel overwhelmed with just day to day demands.

Both my parents are in facilities (separate, they are divorced), and they are well taken care of. I try not to feel bad that I could not/would not take them on, ie into my house to live.

This is part of my angst. I did not have children. So I need to take care of myself when the time comes. That is the dilemma I face.

 

[Lulu Belle]

LuLuBelle, I have to thank you for this post. I feel your frustration and feel like I can empathize completely. It is not "one size fits all" in this game. For some children, it is totally natural to take in a parent because of a closeness or bond they felt since childhood. For others, it is not so easy due to alienation or even outright abuse.

I was never close to either of my parents and I won't go into details, but the "warm and fuzzies" just were never there. I want to do right by them, I never hated them, but I would be sacrificing my own life to have either of them come live with me. Plus I work full time still in a very demanding job, and already feel overwhelmed with just day to day demands.

Thank you so, so much.

For getting it.

 

[still here]

Thank you so, so much.

For getting it.

I too was very moved by your post Lulu and indeed by Wildkat's OP. You communicated your pain and feelings so well it certainly resonated with me.

My relationship with my my parents was good, but they both died when I was young. My relationship with my sisters - not so good.

My partner however is in a different place. He never got on with his father, and felt he had no relationship with him. We have always stayed in touch and visited (rarely) but my husband gets distressed and uncomfortable. Said parent is now 94 and as unpleasant as ever, he is also nasty to my sister-in-law, who gets distressed, but puts up with all kinds of abuse, and her position sounds much like yours. We do try to support her and take our share of responsibility, it is difficult, painful and unpleasant.

I think Mr Still struggles with guilt and worries about his negative feelings, he is the kindest and most sincere man I have ever known and yet I find myself defending his lack of love for this parent, and supporting him as I think his feelings are valid and he has a right to them.

I am a firm believer that blood is not thicker than water. I see no reason why we should be more attached to family members we were never close to, or have absolutely nothing in common with. Some of my siblings have views and opinions I find totally offensive. I did not choose these people. I would not see them in difficulty if I could help of course, we have history in common and I do not wish them ill, but I do not like or admire some of them.

There are some people though, friends and relatives who I would be happy to help and support in any way I can.

I do have children, but I never for one minute think it is their job, or ever should be, to care for me. I would never want that to happen.

I salute you both for being honest, and sincere.

No one is perfect, I do not think anyone is in a position to judge. I really want to end my days knowing I did and said what felt right for me.
I do not want to spend my time measuring myself against others, or trying to conform. If people have those perfect relationships I am happy for them, but we do not all.

I value the honesty with which you can view and vent your real feelings.

Still

 

[Free to shine]

LuLuBelle, I have to thank you for this post. I feel your frustration and feel like I can empathize completely. It is not "one size fits all" in this game. For some children, it is totally natural to take in a parent because of a closeness or bond they felt since childhood. For others, it is not so easy due to alienation or even outright abuse.

I was never close to either of my parents and I won't go into details, but the "warm and fuzzies" just were never there. I want to do right by them, I never hated them, but I would be sacrificing my own life to have either of them come live with me. Plus I work full time still in a very demanding job, and already feel overwhelmed with just day to day demands.

Both my parents are in facilities (separate, they are divorced), and they are well taken care of. I try not to feel bad that I could not/would not take them on, ie into my house to live.

This is part of my angst. I did not have children. So I need to take care of myself when the time comes. That is the dilemma I face.

This is such a good thread.

I can't help my parents as I live 1000 km away and have neither the physical or financial capacity to help. My mother has advanced dementia and thankfully seems to finally be in a somewhat happy place, provided there is routine and support. (It wasn't always so.) My dad's memory is failing and he battles the inevitably failing body at 87 and even though he talks of "leaving this prison planet for good", he really doesn't want to die. So with his unique brand of scientology mish mashed into metaphysics and spiritual healing, he daily struggles to make sense of it all. All I can do is keep my skype connection going with him and we still have many wonderful conversations about life, love and the universe. Mum apparently remembered me a few months ago, when she happened to wander into the room when we were on skype. That's ok, I am at peace with this, although nothing has turned out as I imagined it would and I can't help more.

Mum was in an aged care facility for a while, with dad in a unit nearby and although he liked his independence it was not a good situation. Both were distressed so a scientology family member packed them up, moved them interstate and cared for them for the next 2 years. Despite the best of intentions and the hard work involved, mum's medical history means she is at great risk of heart failure etc and because of the scio mind-set they were openly waiting for her to die, “drop the body” so she could start again. Sometimes fueled by conversations about "making the decision" or "applying the right formula". Dad was also pretty much parked in a corner and became gravely ill. It all made me so very sad and incredibly frustrated as I had no say or input as to what happened (disconnection).

Another family member thankfully stepped in as a live in carer in a new house and has ensured they have the greatly needed medical attention, diet, exercise and supportive environment. The change has been amazing. As their child I am so grateful that they are being cared for by family in a way I cannot. Unfortunately there are still speed bumps in the immediate future regarding where they live, so all I can do is watch from afar and pray.

I have given all this so much thought over the years. One conclusion I came to is that each person’s life is a journey, their journey. We tend to end up where we end up because of decisions we make along the way. Why did my parents end up with this family member or that one? Their decisions re scientology left them destitute. Their decisions on which country to live in influenced the majority of their lives, and ours. So there has to be a ‘letting go’ of how we think it should be. They are where they are, I am where I am, and other family members are where they are and only the individual can change this for themselves. And there really is no ‘how it should be’.

I have learnt from my parent’s mistakes. Because I have degenerative arthritis I have been in ‘an old people’s world’, as someone described it, for quite some time although I am only 61. It has taught me so much, primarily patience and I hope kindness. I have the most wonderful friend, who at 82 lives independently with great dignity, even though some days are really hard. She shares her wisdom, her stoic good humour, housekeeping tricks for people who can’t walk well, how to shop from a disability scooter and so on. I am so blessed to have her in my life because I now have the confidence to continue on knowing that I can remain independent. Luckily Australia has a lot of free or low cost social welfare help as well, although this is something you often have to go looking for, but still it’s there.

I would not want to live with uncontrolled pain or mental degeneration, and hopefully will never put my children in the position my parents did with theirs. But that is a subject for the future, preventative measures are something to do now, affairs in order and then forget it and concentrate on the now. That’s all we have – now.

 

[JustSheila]

Sheila....

I have to be honest with you.

I don't know and can't judge how it is for other people, but for me, I can't relate to being this perfect child of a parent in this state.

It's one thing to be in a controlled environment, dealing with people who have been put on correct medication, who are being properly cared for by professionals. Who you can pop by for a visit once in a while, then leave.

And who you aren't related to.

That may be your reality, but it sure isn't mine.

This is not the reality that a lot of us children face. Some of us have parents who refuse to see a doctor. That can't afford to have someone come and make them take medications every day and who refuse to take them on their own.

Who, every time you try to get them to do something they don't want to do that's for their own good, they turn on you.

They aren't "easy to please" and they aren't "pretty happy"....

LuluBelle, I get you.

It's not healthy for you (or the aging-dementia parent) to spend 24/7 together. Short visits actually work very well, whether you're a parent or a carer. Parents usually act very differently with their families than they do with the carers. They dramatise. They complain more. They get over-emotional and demanding. They play control games and blame games and can be quite abusive to their kids, but then sweethearts to the carers.

I think a son or daughter visiting once or twice a week is PLENTY. More than that could be too much, depending on the relationship and situation. If a parent is living in the same house with the family, they should, ideally, have separate quarters.

It's something like when a parent leaves the child to go to work and sends him/her off to kindergarten and he/she cries and screams and tugs at the legs - please, no! Then as soon as the parent is gone, the child is happily playing and all is well. You'd have to see it to believe it.

Not that they never act up with the carers - they do. Often. I had one that I had to drop after working at the same place every week for 9 months because the man was abusive and he finally went over the top with me and I had enough. So I requested another carer there (preferably one who doesn't speak English, lol). There are limits. Everyone has them.

Lots of people refuse to take their meds. I do home care (go to different homes to do meals, showers, meds, whatever), not nursing home care (though I've worked in nursing homes). In home care, they are considered well enough to decide for themselves whether or not to take meds. We are often like family to them, because we see them so regularly. Rotation is important for many reasons, but the bottom line is, they need to see a variety of people and so do we, or it just gets too weird.

We are trained at techniques for handling the rougher ones, though, including stating in a low voice, "You are not allowed to abuse me", or walking out if one becomes threatening or violent. It happens. They have bad days, for sure, and sometimes we're the only ones they see to tell about it or to vent their frustrations. There are free classes for carers in both Australia and the US, btw, and the classes are very good. They can help you stay on top of things.

Many people do well in nursing homes, but many do not. It's not a happy environment, though Independent Care is pretty awesome if you can afford it. Still, the same applies - they are at their worst when the family is there. I always dread being around at the same time as the family. The family tries far too hard to please them or have high expectations and the parent(s) use that time to complain, complain, complain.

There are exceptions, of course. Some families know exactly how to stay objective and yet be loving. It's an art, and you're absolutely right, it is far harder for a family member to do it than a carer.

Some are alcoholics. As carers, we accept that. Family normally doesn't - it hurts them, and it's painful to watch the interactions with an alcoholic parent.

Some don't have a lot of appetite, or they are hoarders, or they have poor personal hygiene habits. As carers, we accept that.

We don't make anyone take meds or eat. We don't make anyone shower or even change clothes if they don't want to do so. Very different than in a nursing home. There are some we encourage, but the bottom line in Australia is that this person may not be altogether sane, but they are sane enough not to be declared insane so how they live their lives in entirely up to them. Provided they are not actively hurting themselves or others, it is their right.

Even then, "hurting themselves" usually means more than not eating. It usually means more than one minor fall a month. Yes, the bar is very, very low - but what is drilled into us over and over again is that they have the RIGHT to live their life how they wish. It may not be up to our standards, but it is up to their standards. I've never known anyone to starve him/herself to death who had homecare, and many had dementia, but they weren't wanderers, didn't start fires or that sort of thing. I know one with severe dementia that died at home, but she didn't starve herself, she just got too old and too weak and frail to go on. I'm glad she died at home where she was comfortable and I'm also glad she died when she did.

So don't beat yourself up trying to keep things to the highest standard possible, ya know?

And the not eating bit - well, in Aus, it's the only acceptable way an elderly person can, basically, suicide. Truth. So some (in nursing homes) actually do starve themselves by refusing to eat until they go into a coma and die.

The ones living at home and the ones in Independent Care are the happiest, by far, because they have enough care to take care of the basics but all the freedom to live their lives as they wish, within limits. And as said previously here, the bar is very low on what is considered acceptable. :confused2: They're still happier than those in nursing homes, though. Only once in 9 months did I feel a home living situation wasn't acceptable and the person should go to a nursing home.

I don't know what they charge for home care services in the US, but if I were in a situation where I were the only child and my mother owned her house, but I lived too far to visit regularly, I'd take out a mortgage to pay for the home care services. Home care even includes socialising, cleaning and grocery shopping, btw, and can include handling the bills for a parent. That's what I'd do, but like you said, everyone's situation is different and besides that, different countries have different costs for these services and not all of them are available.

My father died at home. My sisters and I (mostly me) personally looked after my mother 24/7, live-in, for about six months. I couldn't have kept it up for years, like some here, but I actually do know what it's like. My mother and I were never close, but we did manage to restore our relationship somewhat and the time was well spent. I'm glad I did it.

 

[Claire Swazey]

My dad was starting to have some form of dementia, probably due to cholesterol being insanely high (found doctor's correspondence stating it was 550), poorly maintained diabetes, and high blood pressure. He had always had a tendency to lie when it suited him and some other things. The year my mom was sick and then died (he died 7 months after she), I was thrown together with him a lot as I went to NY multiple times for Mom. I found him acting vague, saying inappropriate things multiple times. But, given our past relationship, his propensity for lying, playing games, I just thought he was being a dick. After he died, I found out more stuff he did and it slowly dawned on me that he had some hardening of the arteries induced dementia.

I had been, on occasion, quite impatient with him. Worried about Mom, trying to help her, then, later, make the arrangements...I was stern with him a few times. It was not easy.

Having problematic relationships with parents makes it difficult to be the, oh, I don't know, Victorian ideal of the self sacrificing angelic adult child. Sometimes the best we can hope for is that we are helpful, get in there and get done what should be done, and try to do the right things. Our parents and other elders we are helping are human. That means quirks and all that. Also, cognitive impairment magnifies negative or quirky traits. We can only do our best.

 

[Claire Swazey]

Not everyone gets dementia when they become of an advanced age, either. Many do not.

I think staying healthy can assist one in having a greater likelihook of doing ok in one's senior years.

 

[Wants2Talk]

Perhaps, there is some wisdom in the Eskimo way.
[video=youtube;SfeEYWHzBC0]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfeEYWHzBC0[/video]

 

[TG1]

Lulu,

I'm so, so sorry you're going through this.

TG1

 

[Lexing Jenkins]

You're a good daughter. Your mom's situation is not your fault. Nobody is judging you. Please stop judging yourself.

Great advice!


I suggest doing the things you like doing before it happens to you. Worrying is a waste of time.

 

[Helena Handbasket]

I was never close to either of my parents and I won't go into details, but the "warm and fuzzies" just were never there.

That was true for me too. In fact my relationship with my father was quite strained.

I kept a minimal connection with him. When my elder brother died and my father and I were the last two left, I called him once a week because there was no one else to. But that's as far as that went.

I did not have children. So I need to take care of myself when the time comes. That is the dilemma I face.

That is the challenge I'm starting to have to face now. I'm using whatever I can to keep this far from perfect body going.

Not everyone gets dementia when they become of an advanced age, either. Many do not.

I think staying healthy can assist one in having a greater likelihook of doing ok in one's senior years.

While I don't have any major diseases, I am struggling to stave off insanity. Yes, my life is THAT bad. I've been on the brink several times.

Helena

 

[Wants2Talk]

I want to share HAPPY with you guys!
http://www.thehappymovie.com/film/

[video=youtube;YDkv6Mi8JrI]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDkv6Mi8JrI[/video]

 

[In present time]

I'm a tad bit reticent to wade in here.

First of all, thank you WildKat for the guilelessly open, deeply honest and intensely thought provoking OP.

There is sooo much humanity, heart and truth in all the replies that stir me but I am too lazy and tired to directly quote and respond to them with my thoughts or comments.

Three times in my life I have been present and watched someone born, draw first breath and the color of Life alight their face.

Three times in my life I have been present and watched someone pass, draw last breath and the color of Life fade from their face.

I have spent far too much of my life taking for granted the Gift of Life without gratitude for each breath taken or thankful for every measured beat of the heart.

I have watched despondently the end of the impenetrable mask of Alzheimer's and Stroke, the helpless inevitability of Leukemia and the hopeless prognosis of Post Op Respiratory Arrest and Coma.

I've bathed and changed the diapers of an 87 year old WWII Vet and done my best to assuage his frustration and embarrassment.

I've carried my dying 66 year old brother to the bathroom and done my best to make it a funny thing that I, his "punk" kid brother, could finally lift him.

There are countless Saints and Angels that walk amongst Us...The caregivers for a multitude of others that day in/day out with kindness, respect and competence care for others that someday I will most likely be one of.

There is no doubt that I am vain, human and came into this Life helpless and will leave this Life helpless.

All of Us want and deserve Dignity at Death. But, Dignity at Death is, ultimately, not under our individual control.

All of Us have only one thing that is under our individual control...Dignity in Life.

Express your wishes and make your directions for your coming demise known. Cremation or burial; funeral or no funeral; resuscitation or not; feeding tube or not; invasive last hope surgery or not...on and on and on. You can make those decisions now, "cast them in stone" and relieve yourself of unnecessary worry.

Express your Love, Gratitude and Importance to all who's presence has blessed your Life now...Don't wait, don't be guarded, don't be afraid.

I dread having a painful of Death. I was on death's doorstep several times. I have felt severe Prior to and Post Op pain and, to be honest, live with chronic pain and will for the rest of this life.

I dread the prospect of ever again experiencing the all consuming intensity of piercing, searing, withering pain I have been through before.

But, one thing I have learned is this...Pain is like a wave on the beach and it builds and builds as you desperately, fearfully and exhaustively fight to get through what you cannot stop.

But, then the wave crests and you glide, slide and are carried peacefully down the backside of the wave.

Death could be that way...Perhaps not...I don't have a F'n clue.

Death for me and thee will surely come...tomorrow, next year, twenty years...WTFK's.

My Life has been blessed with four wonderful children and fortunately I have a little dough. However, that doesn't predictably make my Life's end any "better" than anyone elses.

My Life will end how it ends when it ends and I can and should plan, think about and prepare for however and whenever it happens but LIVE knowing that either I accept the unknown moments of joy and gifts surely yet to come or live in the fallacious misery of maybe someday dying a miserable ending to a meaningless life.

I'm afraid I've gone too far into my Head and my Heart with this Post. There are many, many options, avenues and pragmatic steps that can be taken at any point in ones life to plan for their--as best it can be--final days and demise. Much very sound and good advice has already been given here.

I'm afraid to say this but, based on my approaching 7 decades, some of Murphy's Laws apply here: "If anything can go wrong, it will; In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right ... something is wrong; Being dead right, won't make you any less dead".

The most frustrating thing to me about having brain damage is that the damage is not severe enough that I can't remember what it was like to be able to do, deal with and solve all the the things I can't anymore.

The most frustrating thing for me about being with, trying to help and caring for loved ones that are in their final days is knowing that they feel and live with that same frustration and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

Face

I had to delete two other posts I made on this thread, they were too crazy. Even for me, that s saying a lot, lol.
I haven't really told a lot of people. My mother died a couple of weeks ago. But she did.
The thing is she had this living will. She had put it together years before. I am not going to rant abut how eager my sister was to make absolutely sure the hospital knew not to resuscitate her, no feeding tube ect.
My mother was not in a coma, but the hospital said she was catatonic. Well, I could still understand her.SHE HAD COMPLETELY CHANGED HER MIND ABOUT THE LIVING WILL.

Yeah, it's easy when you are fifty. She used to look at old people who were helpless and say; "If I ever get like that please stick and shotgun up my ass."

Sometimes by the time you've reached 80, you've been through some pretty hairy life threatening conditions... And somehow have come through, hung around long enough to even see a great-great grandchild born.

I am just not so sure about those living wills. The nice lady that took the crazy daughter (me) into the quiet, dimply lit room said it was just a piece of paper...and if my mothers wishes had changed, then that would be their course of action.

I didn't even know that damn thing existed! So, if you make one for gods sake at least get your loved ones to agree. You never know which one of them is going to be there at the last minute trying to fight it off!

 

[WildKat]

That was true for me too. In fact my relationship with my father was quite strained.

I kept a minimal connection with him. When my elder brother died and my father and I were the last two left, I called him once a week because there was no one else to. But that's as far as that went.

That is the challenge I'm starting to have to face now. I'm using whatever I can to keep this far from perfect body going.

While I don't have any major diseases, I am struggling to stave off insanity. Yes, my life is THAT bad. I've been on the brink several times.

Helena

I've had some issues with depression myself. I can't say for sure what role Scn played in it, because I was depressed as a child. I do know that the depression was what sent me to look for answers in Scn. But when I got out many years later, I was at my lowest low, suicidal even. Then, slowly, I started to do better and better and today I am just older and wiser. And still trying to learn just to enjoy life, while it's here.

I wish you well.

 

[WildKat]

Yeah, it's easy when you are fifty. She used to look at old people who were helpless and say; "If I ever get like that please stick a shotgun up my ass."

Yeah, that's just the point: NO one thinks they want to hang around in a nursing home, when they give it some thought in their 50's. And yet, with no other plan, that's usually what happens 30 or so years later.

Sorry to hear about your mom. Watching our parents go is a life-changing experience. You look in the mirror, and you know.... your time is coming up next.

I always tell people that my grandfather had a "good death". He was doing something he loved (gardening) and he had a heart attack, and he was gone. No nursing home for him.

It's just too bad it seems we have no choice in these matters.

 

[WildKat]

I want to share HAPPY with you guys!
http://www.thehappymovie.com/film/

[video=youtube;YDkv6Mi8JrI]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDkv6Mi8JrI[/video]

That looks very cool! Thanks, I will try to get this and see it.

A good wrap-up to a depressing thread! Sorry if I've depressed anyone. I think the message is, decide to be happy while you've got time. I'm going to work on that.

 

[DeeAnna]

I'm another one.

Ninety-four year old mother with whom I never got along. Not that I didn't want to. God knows, I tried. And tried. And tried. She started her decline into dementia well over ten years ago. Other family members chose to "ignore" it. Finally it became so prominent it could no longer be ignored. Then my beloved father died suddenly.

She absolutely refused in-home help because she did not want a stranger in her house. After two years of acting as her personal on-call chauffer I introduced her to a system in my state called "Access". It is a service for the elderly where they come and take you wherever you want to go. She pitched a fit, accusing me of being a "rotten child" and saying these services are "only for people whose family doesn't care about them". But I held my ground, telling her it will give her independence. And on and on it went.

As others have written: I am the last person she would ever take advice from. And, yes, it is expensive and difficult to have someone legally declared to be "incompetent". She refused to take any and all psyche medications. She began to have paranoid delusions. Unfortunately, I became the target of some - but not all - of them. Unknown to me, she also began having night time hallucinations.

Finally, she had a fall in her home and needed to be hospitalized. At that point, I was able to request a gerontological psyche exam and quickly received a definitive diagnosis - Lewy Body Dementia. (Yes, the very same dementia that Casey Kasem has.) She would not be released back to live alone at home. That was almost two years ago.

Since then my mother has been in "a facility" - at first in the "nursing care" component of the complex. Then into the "assisted living" portion of the complex. The cost is $6,000 U.S. per month. She has the money - for now.
Before this facility would admit her, I had to provide them with documentation that she had the equal to two years charges in ready assets. Supposedly when her assets are depleted down to $2,000 she will go onto Medicare and the facility will not kick her out.

When I visit my mother it is always unpleasant. She has not reached the mellow stage of her dementia - yet.

To Sheila: I respect your work with the elderly and your knowledge of the principles of dementia. But - all little old demented people are not nice and easy to be around. Or maybe they are with their caregivers? Although I have been there when dear old mom has snarled "You stupid woman!" at the caregiver who was toileting her at the time.

They're not all sweethearts. And as for visiting "once or twice a week". No, I don't think so.


To Wild Kat: It takes a while to sort this through. Don't worry about not having children to take care of you. There are no guarantees even if you have children that they would be willing to take care of you. And many of us who have children don't ever want to put them through this. Medicare and Medicaid are pretty good here in the U.S. You'll be placed somewhere, somehow.

Personally, based on what I've seen and experienced, I'm most likely going for the Hemlock solution. I don't have a designated number on that. I figure I'll know when.

To Lulu: Sorry you are going through this. Hang in there.