Thanks Claire for starting this thread and discussing this topic.
Since I've been rather active lately here on ESMB and taken on some well loved and popular ex's and critics, I guess it's as good a time as any to explain my behavior in the recent shit storm.
I've written lots and lots of articles/posts over the past 11 years explaining my activities while in the cult and have tried to be helpful in educating ex's, the media and general public about Scn from my being a 27 year insider to a vile cult.
Once upon a time, in my life before Scn, I was rather fearless in taking on bullies. Bullies come in all shapes and sizes. Some are arrogant and in your face and others whisper threats in your ears. I couldn’t really help it because I come from a long line of rather outspoken women.
Bullies succeed because they lie and instill fear in people.
Somehow, I went from being someone that stood up to bullies, to becoming a kind of bully while in the cult.
I really loved Scn when I was "in". To me, it was the TRUE answer to all of mankind's ills. I was uneducated enough and naive enough to buy the whole kit and kaboodle. I loved it all and if I had not done LSD would more than likely have been in the Sea Org and moving up the ranks because I had that "hardcore" dedication thing going on. Ruthless if need be, just like LRH said to be.
I was recruited into the GO when I was 23 or 24 years old and holding the post of Exec. Director Narconon Connecticut.
I was recruited by Larry Byrnes and Bobby Johnson. Larry, was an (old) OT 7 and at the top of the Bridge to Total Freedumb and the newly appointed AGSCNE, Assistant Guardian Social Coordination (now called ABLE) New England. He was a wise cracking, good looking man from “Southie”—South Boston, and the type of man I really liked. Bobby Johnson, was the head of Boston’s B1—The Guardians Office Intel Division and was just a hunka, hunka burning love.
I remember Bobby asking me if I knew what B1 does for Scientology and I responded, “No, does anyone?” He LOL’d.
Larry must have pulled rank at the end because it was decided that I would be the Dir of Rehab for the Guardians Office which is the post that runs, controls, manages the LRH tech groups like Narconon, Applied Scholastics, Criminon and any LRH tech schools, like Delphi.
In the scheme of things, the Dir of Rehab is sort of a benign management post. A similar position to working as a management type in a CLO.(middle management).
As the Dir of Rehab I was not privy to what went on in B1. Only those in B1 knew what was going on. Just because someone worked for the Guardians Office or OSA does not mean they knew of or were involved in the really creepy stuff done in that area. Non B1/Invest staff are told to mind their
business and to turn their eyes away from anything to do with the Invest area. Non Invest staff were not allowed in the Invest offices or if they did go
in, they could not be in there alone, they had to always be accompanied by invest staff.
Security was always extremely tight. I used to have to sleep with my keys to door that let me into the Guardians Office and when awake I would wear them around my neck because to leave keys unattended even for 1 second meant lower conditions and having to buy a whole new lock and key system for the Guardians Office Door.
Extreme security like this and like the treatment and handling of your OT Folders is part of the indoctrination that drives in the paranoia and the importance of protecting Scientology from it’s “enemies”.
I was a lover of the “tech”. I was not a trained techie with lots of certs although I was an HSDC graduate and audited 100’s of hours on Dianetics with R3R and I was a Class 0 and Solo Auditor, and I would spend my free time just reading the red volumes for the pure love of wanting to learn how to make man free from the chains of MEST. I thought I understood Scientology auditing ‘conceptually” and felt the Guardians Office was the right place for me to be as I was in alignment with the Purpose of the Guardians Office which was something about “safeguarding and expanding” Scientology. I did clay demo the purpose of the Guardians Office over 30 years ago but I’m a post menopausal gal these days and my memory is
not as keen as it used to be.
I fulfilled my 2.5 year contract with the Guardians Office and refused to resign my contract. After 2.5 years, I came to the conclusion that the G.O.
was a suppressive group (1981/82) and stated this to my best friend and G.O. staff member Maureen O’Keefe. She of course wrote it up and the shit hit the fan.
I was put in lower conditions and not allowed to be in the Guardians Office space. I had to finish my remaining months of my contract at the local Delphi School.
Shortly thereafter, I left the Church of Scientology. I was still a Scientologist but knew there was something really wrong with the management and decided to just lay low out in the field.
Some time passed and the next thing I know top Guardians Office staff like Jane Kember and G.O. WW staff are getting declared and the G.O. is being disbanded and a new “on source and in tech” group is taking over! Yaaaaay!
It’s safe to go back! Or so I thought.
Tony Charmbanis, who I helped recruit into the G.O. was the new OSA Invest Dir for Boston. She’s now the CO OSA EUS.
Anywayz, Tony gave me the whole PR line/shore story about how it’s all different now and that OSA is run on Green on White and is on source and
no longer “autonomous” but works hand in hand with the Sea Org and management.
It’s what I wanted to hear. So when she recruited me to work for OSA Invest—non staff—although I did get paid by OSA Int for some of my projects, I had no problems agreeing.
I had a “high confront of evil” which translates into being a special kind of retard that believes everything that spews from Hubbard’s mouth as the truth.
I’ve written up the most egregious of my activities and they are scattered about the internet. Someday, if I get to care enough, I will gather them up and put them in one place.
It’s was and sometimes still is difficult to write about my activities while working for OSA because while it can be enlightening, it’s also quite painful.
Coming to terms with being and acting like someone that I now consider despicable is tough on the soul.
When I read crap like “you can take the girl out of OSA but can’t take OSA out of the girl,” as a response to my sometimes harsh criticisms of others, I feel like reaching out across the intertubes and smacking them upside their head.
Since waking up from the 27 year koolaid induced trance, I’ve decided to
step in and speak up when I see a bully. My way of handling bullies may be different from yours. My way is to stand up and call them out and I may not even be nice about it. I’m certainly not nice to the cult when I talk about them and I don’t see why I should be.
For the record:
The completion lists.
The comp lists have several purposes and Kristi and I talked for hours and hours about this.
The comp list have always been interesting to many because it’s a way for those of us that are out to have some sort of idea what was going on in an org. Anyone who was ever in management can look at those list and see
things that are going on that most outsiders would not understand. They can
be somewhat interpreted.
The lists also give an idea of expansion or lack there of.
The lists give you a bit of data of what is happening with friends and family inside the cult.
But most importantly, once the list is fed into HORTON – Holder of Records Tallier of Numbers—the program that organizes and computes the lists on the Truth about Scientology site, all kinds of good results can occur.
http://www.truthaboutscientology.com/stats/source/source208.html
The lists and this site were design to assist in the wake up of those still in.
The idea of this website was not just to provide media and researchers with info on cultist behaving badly, but it was to provide a safe place for Scientologists still in the cult to find.
The idea was that when a scio did a search of their own name, they would find the TAS site and would stay and read some rather mild but truthful data
about the cult.
There’s no talk of Xenu and there’s no pics of a Hubbard buttplug. It’s data on out outpoints, and kr’s and stats. Mild. The idea was that this would cause the scio who found the site with his list of completions as a place to read the truth. Kristi and I decided to not promote this part of our plan because it would give OSA even more reason to try to shut it down. As it turned out OSA failed in all attempts to shut down the TAS site. And they did try, but gave up when they realized that they couldn’t bully Kristi into taking it down and they had no legal grounds to do it.
I bring this up for two reasons. First is because Alanzo recently brought up my project with the comp lists as some sort of PR actions for the cult.
If anyone always believes that than I have a Bridge to sell you.
The other reason, believe it or not, was at that time, it was part of my “effective blow” against the cult. When I started the list project, I was still very much a Scientologist and felt that my activities in contributing to what I consider to be an evil totalitarian cult needed some rectifying. I needed to do something effective and the lists which can be a lot of mindless drudgery of a job, have endless and effective uses against the cult. I’ve been accused in the past of promoting Scientology with these lists, but hey, people are gonna think what they are gonna think and I just can’t worry about that, because I have way to much other shit in my life to deal with.
I digress. Let me scroll back up and find the point I was trying to make.
Ah yes, bullies.
Bullies work with both fear and lies and cause massive drama. It’s part of the whole bully thing and I dislike drama as much or more than I dislike bullies.
Somewhere along the line I decided was I not going to ever allow myself to be bullied again. And whether you want to believe it or not, I generally try to be pleasant and helpful when dealing with other ex’s. The only time I go off
and start getting grouchy is when I see someone being bringing lies, drama
and general faggotry to a subject that I have a facts about.
I know some of you don’t like my style, but honestly, I’m not going to change it. This is a post to a message board, not a presentation to the APA (which I’ve done several times and didn’t swear once!)
I had pretty much stopped reading ESMB except for maybe a couple of threads that I had interest in, but most of my reading and posting has been
over on WWP which is a pretty rough and tumble kind of place and has humor and interests in more of an activist format rather than here which is more of a ex support board, and an excellent one at that.
I hardly would ever read zinj or alanzo’s post but occasionally did just to see what was going on. I was no fan of Zinj or Alanzo for many reasons but also because I thought both of them were rather arrogant and looked down their noses at me and others. I commented on this to at least Zinj on one or two occasions.
I didn’t really follow the Zinj/Alanzo ban that happened a few months ago
But did think it was interesting that Zinj finally wore out his welcome which he has a history of doing. Alanzo I always thought was a troll. Meaning he would troll the group with sometimes outrageous but playful statements in his attempts to enlighten people to his point of view.
When Alanzo returned from his ban a few weeks ago he became, what I consider to be an energy sucking drama queen completely with tall tales and outright lies.
I will cop to the fact that I really don’t get guys like that and just tend to dismiss them as “retarded”. Alanzo had an agenda to get to the ‘TRUTH” and expose it. But for whatever reason he could not go at it straight on and state it. He had to create all kinds of drama and ask others to tell what they know about back channel discussion rather than come out and say:
Hey look I had this conversation with Emma, and she asked me not to repeat it, but since I’m a self righteous dude, I just have to talk about it. Emma said that Mike Rinder said that Zinj is an OSA Op. What do you guys think.
OK if Alanzo had just said that, then Emma could have replied with what she actually told Alanzo, because Alanzo in fact twists what you say, so Emma could have straighten it out, then discussion could have occurred and ended
with whatever conclusions people want to make after hearing all the sides and opinions.
But NO. Alanzo is not a straight shooting guy. He came in with all kinds of implications and insinuations and would not answer questions but expected everyone else to answer his questions.
Then when you did answer his question, he’d come back at you like a member of the Retards of America Debating Club, and twist your words
and accuse you of stating things you never said or even thought.
At that point it’s like Wot? Are you fucking kidding me? There’s no use trying to talk to this guy. There’s no discussion here. He’s lying, twisting and
causing crazy osaosaosa accusations to fly without any evidence other than
connecting dots and “knowing”.
And I’m not going to humor him, play nice, try to cajole him into understanding me, while he outright lies and spreads lies and confusion into a group of people who are trying to recover from years of lies and deceit.
If you are going to take on liars and bullies then you have to not be afraid of the consequences of doing this.
I’m not afraid of someone calling me OSA, I’m not afraid of people disliking me. I’m not afraid of others thoughts or words and I’m willing to stand up
and call it as I see it and risk being banned myself. I won’t allow fear to control me anymore.
Enough.
And so all that tl;dr is just to let you know that yes, I’m an EX OSA retard, and truly apologize for that and have done my best to make up for damages done, but that don’t mean I’m going to sit back and let retards spread fear and lie about shit I know about
Trifle:
And now I am going to make a Trifle for Easter dessert.